I registered for my upcoming wedding and the whole time I was thinking of my dad, who has asked me what I wanted for every gift-giving occasion since I could talk. At the same time, my brother is avidly against giving or taking specific gift requests. But I know I will like his off-registry gift.

People like to give gifts. A gift registry is helpful for some of those people, not for others. I really enjoyed putting mine together because I do need and want things, but I dislike shopping. I would have put tp on it if it wasn’t weird.

I’m in the weddings business and I’ve noticed of late that instead of partaking in the registry quite a few guests are now doing things like shouting the wedding car hire for their friends or some other significant cost.

Must be these tough financial times! Practicalities become more important.

It is quite culturally accepted and a few of the gen Y Asian American weddings I’ve been to recently haven’t registered anywhere. Especially if they’re having a wedding where a majority of guests come from out of town (so guests don’t need to pack the gift or the wedding party doesn’t need to schlep it home).

I have been to weddings where the registry stores were included on the invite and yes, I felt that was tacky. I have also been to weddings where the invite said something to the effect of ‘cash only please.’ Yes they did not need more stuff, but I still thought it was tacky!

Some people will be horrified if you ask for them to pay for their honeymoon, but would gladly give cash. So let your guests make the call!

One small thing we did was to donate cash to charity instead of buying/making party gifts (you know when you get candy almonds, or chocolate, or stuff with their initials). We estimated an amount per person that is typically spent on these favors, donated it to a favorite charity, then left a note at each plate telling them this. I think if you ask people to donate to charity, it’s good to set an example and let them know you are serious about it.

If you are registering for tanglible items, Amazon is a great option.

In Australia, the Anglos think it’s tacky of the Greeks to pin money onto the bride’s dress. I suspect the Greeks think anglos are too damn stingy on all things to do with their children. I have never heard of “dollar dances” but I love it! That is so appropriate for the age and culture of the participants.

Potlucks are well known in Anthropology for how out of control they became as the tribes involved got more and more carried away with increasingly showing up the less fortunate tribes with each passing year. Gift giving is competitive for some people, and putting on a wedding is also a gift. $50 a plate? Try $150/plate!

For other groups, the spiritual inclusion in the ritual is the big ticket item, indicating status within the community, with the marrying couple, and with God. Higher status in the wedding party will reap more expensive presents, whereas in other groups it means a less expensive present because their labour as attendants has already been given + the cost of outfits they don’t necessary like.

IMHO nothing is free, but some people will still try to get the better end of the bargain or even try to freeload. There will always be young men who buy the couple a bottle opener, bitch about having to wear a suit, and then drink bar dry or do drugs in front of the bride’s mother.

The point is that people do like weddings for all sorts of reasons, and you can’t predict how people will see your wedding in a multicultural society. Just take it as it comes.

Yes, officially you don’t have to spend it on what the couple says they’d like the money to go to – that’s where having honor comes in

We merged two households with yes, lots of stuff already — but as budding cooks we had TONS of things we still wanted and needed. It was a chance to outgrow our $10 Ikea pots and pans and graduate to something we can make meals with for the rest of our lives.

These Honeyfund things are just a bogus sham to get cash. It’s stupid – they take a commission. And, you’re not obligated to go ahead and buy whatever it is the person picked for you. We did that once, and the scuba thing we bought – the couple never ended up doing. It was a let down to know that. Lame.

I just don’t see how registering for cash is different from registering for stuff. I assume that people who love us want to give us something that we actually need and want, so we’re trying to find options for everyone to be able to do that. Maybe that wouldn’t fly in your social circles, but I know my friends and family and what they’d be offended by, and am confident that everyone is on board with my plans. Like JD says, “Do What Works for You” – with the implicit addendum “Don’t Judge Other People For Doing What Works For Them As Long As It Doesn’t Hurt Anyone.”

I guess I just disagree with you that it’s rude. Obviously if people are uncomfortable giving us money, there is our traditional registry with Amazon to choose things from. And if we don’t get enough money to get new furniture or a new house right away, we’ll keep saving on our own until we do. We’re not making anyone do anything, we’re just letting people know what’s the most useful for us at this stage in our lives (early 30′s, been together 6 years). Your comment is completely illogical and baffling to me.

I think that, if nothing else, this entire post and the comments prove that guests can be just as demanding and selfish as the couple — some people are offended when the couple says “no gifts”, others are offended when the couple gives a registry, others are offended when they DON’T give a registry, still others are offended when the couple suggests charities. If I have learned anything from the comments it is that no matter what the couple does someone will think it was the wrong thing to do.

Guests are often just as demanding as the couple and often times important guests (parents of the bride and groom, sibblings, the wedding party) exert pressure in large and small ways. If what the bride and groom can afford is more limited than what their guests are demanding of them then, yes, I think it is perfectly reasonable to say: “if it is that important to you to have it, then you can pay for it”.

But then again, I don’t think of a wedding as an event where the bride and groom are hosts per se. It is not like me inviting someone over to dinner. Then, yes, it would be crass for me to tell them they have to pay for the liquor. Instead a wedding is a place for a couple to declare their commitment to each other in front of their community, and for the community to pay their respects and well wishes to the couple. They have invited their community there, and communities — families, friends, *people* — can be demanding. The couple should not feel guilty about offering compromises. There is enough stress at weddings. Anything that is a compromise — for the people, for the budget, for sanity and stress, should not be dismissed.

They unite small business offerings into a single catalog and help couples create a more personalized and unique registry.

With Knack you can get gifts sourced from small businesses or get cash if you want to create listings for experiences like a honeymoon fund.

I generally do want to give a gift to loved ones when I attend these events, and registries do help me make an educated choice about their preferred style and needs. The downside is I feel like people are oftentimes guilted (not necessarily by the bride and groom but social norms) into purchasing gifts that are more expensive than they can comfortably afford.

I’ve never understood the appeal of a large “fairy tale” wedding. I also think I’m jaded after being a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride was a total pain the butt. She didn’t seem to grasp that her family and friends shouldn’t be supplementing her dream wedding with their own cash so she could buy not one but two expensive wedding dresses (so she’d have something to change into for the after party)! I ended up having to flat out tell her I refused to throw her both a bridal shower and a jack and jill (similar to the stag and doe party mentioned in other comments – to raise money for the wedding) she needed to pick one. She was put out that I wouldn’t do both and I actually had to explain to her how unfair it was to basically ask her guests and wedding attendants to pay for her wedding and supply gifts at two events (the shower and the wedding). For the record, I purchased something off her registry for the shower (which was paid for by the bridemaids and included every woman invited to the wedding per the brides request) and I gave her cash and a handmade gift at the wedding. But the stress and financial issues really strained our relationship and we don’t really speak anymore. This horrible experience definitely colored the way I now look at weddings. An event that should have been happy, turned into a money grab. Registries can be good, but I fear too many people have had a similar, if less drastic experience and now associate consumerism and greed with weddings and registries.

I’m not, but I’m also not Hindu. Does that mean when I go to a wedding of Hindu friends, I shouldn’t give them a gift because they are idolaters and should be stoned?

I’m pretty sure Miss Manners would frown on that.

If you feel a couple is being crass by living together (or having sex) before marriage, nothing is stopping you from declining the invitation and not sending a gift.

I’m surprised this comment didn’t get deleted. I thought we were all supposed to support and praise and encourage everyone who leaves their spouse. I thought that was the modern party line. Everyone can get a divorce and we must praise their choice. (Or is it just the men who leave their wives with the house?)