This post is by staff writer Tim Sullivan.
Most of us struggle with some psychological aspect of money that can impede our savings. Whether it be the lure of clothing stores, nights out with friends, or stocking a top-shelf liquor cabinet, there tends to be one thing or another that creeps from our wants category into our needs. I’ve never been a compulsive shopper and always preferred voluntary simplicity, both in the kitchen and in my closet. This means that for most of my young adult life, I had good control of my finances.
Then I started dating…
Dating quickly made gift giving my Achilles heel. As with other debt-inducing habits, it seemed harmless at first. Here are some things I started doing, not realizing how much money I was shelling out:
- I never liked to show up at my girlfriend’s apartment empty handed so I always had her favorite Snapple or a magazine for her in hand. (Six bucks, just to say hello.)
- I always wanted to pick up the check, even when we were out with a friend or two. (Could be upwards of $100, just to show I cared.)
- I brought expensive bottles of wine to dinner parties, not to show off, but just to enjoy with everyone, even if I was just as happy with $7 bottle myself. ($25 to try to find community.)
- I was sent to the store to get simple baking supplies, but instead of getting the normal vanilla extract, I would get the fancy packaged one for twice the price. Take that philosophy down the entire list of supplies and I’d racked up a pretty hefty bill. ($50 extra just so we could feel high society together.)
It was never about seeming rich to my friends or girlfriend. I took pride in my penny pinching in every other aspect of my life. I honestly thought it was about generosity and showing affection, nothing more.
My usual smart budgeting was out the door. If it began with my dating life, it quickly found its way into all my close friendships and relationships. If I were booking a hotel room for myself, I would find some side-of-the-road motel for $35. If it was for my parents, I’d charge a much fancier $300 room to my card. I wanted them to be comfortable, right? (I should note that my parents’ honeymoon was a nine-month camping trip in a VW bug across the United States. They’ve grown up some since their 60s hippie days, but not all that much.) Technically, I could afford it. I just wouldn’t contribute very much to savings that month.
As the gifts became a larger and more elaborate, my savings account stagnated. The want of purchasing gifts found its way into my budget as a need.
Providing the important stuff
If I look deep enough, I know that I have an engrained desire to be the provider in my relationships. I was stuck in a 50s mentality of the man as the breadwinner, and thinking that gift giving was my only way of showing financial muscle. I never wanted to buy the affection of my friends, but I got caught in a trap thinking that financial security was the most important thing I could provide. I ignored all the other myriad ways of showing affection, whether it be kind words, acts of service, spending quality time, or even a big hug.
I tried a spending freeze on gift giving and decided to come up with something different whenever I got the urge to spend for someone else. The experiment lead to the following new behaviors:
- I accepted that showing up at her front door was hello enough, and I realized a smile and being genuinely happy to see someone went further than I’d ever expect.
- I learned the fine art of the potluck dinner, and saw that people got so much joy just from sharing what they loved to make in the kitchen.
- At a dinner party, I brought Apples to Apples. It was appropriate for the crowd, probably more appropriate than the bottle of wine I would’ve brought, and if you’ve never played it, it’s the best thing ever to bring a group a little closer.
- Instead of worrying about how fancy the baking supplies looked, I joined her in the kitchen. I never realized how much raw dough the woman could eat. I joked that it was a much truer way to her heart.
Ignoring these other ways of showing love had been getting in the way of my friendships and relationships. I learned so much more about the people around me and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves when I stopped worrying about how much they were enjoying themselves.
Tracking spending
Since I identified the underlying cause of my stagnating savings account, I could go about fixing it. I started tracking the dollars that left my bank account each month and realized just how much was going to small gifts. Paying for gas for my girlfriend’s SUV was an incredibly friendly gesture, but it hurt in the long run. This isn’t to say I needed to stop with my generosity, but tracking my spending allowed me to create a column just for gift giving. It stopped being a mindless act and more a conscious decision, which in turn provided me with more joy in the activity. This way, I was giving something from my daily life to be generous toward others, which to me, seems a much truer definition of generosity.
Virtues in excess
We usually think about our financial trolls being negative. Something like greed leads us to live in excess, buying new shoes or the new electronic. It’s easy to blame. It’s much harder to point your finger at a problem that seems virtuous. I started to see that I wasn’t alone. My friend Tracy spends almost all of her disposable income spoiling her kid and yet complains about the holes in her own shoes. I had a family member almost go broke donating to the Doctors Without Borders. Such gifts of charity are easier to rationalize; they seem so nice, even if they are ruining your financial situation. It’s never easy to change patterns, especially when the emotions of not only yourself, but of others are involved. As always, it’s important to be honest with yourself and communicative with those around you.
I still have to remind myself that if someone is going to breakup with me because I don’t bring Snapple to her door each time I show up, I could probably do without the relationship. I bring myself, and that’s just fine.
What are some ways that gift giving puts you under budget? Do you have other “virtuous” that hurt you in the long run?
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Kind of along those same lines, I know my parents are very strict about giving 15% of their gross (pre-tax) income as a tithe to their church. Typically this would be 10%, but my parents feel they should give more.
I’m not going to get into whether tithing to a church is right or wrong. It’s a very personal choice, and it’s really up to my parents. But at the same time their giving that much to the church they:
- Haven’t saved a dime for retirement (and my dad is 62)
- Have no emergency fund
- Have around $10,000 in credit card debt
- Make around $30,000 a year
Personally, I don’t think God would mind if they at least cut back to giving 10% and work on improving their financial situation. But that’s just my opinion.
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Matthew 7:3-5. I don’t think it would be a problem either
I won’t comment on tithing either, but I’ve noticed people are better able to help others when their financial house is in order.
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Those mega-churches don’t pay for themselves!
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No church does.
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I’m a Christian who believes in the notion of a graduated tithe — I try to give at least 10%, but if I can give more, I try to do that. I think there is a mistaken notion that this giving is lining preacher’s fat pocketbooks or building fancy churches, but, first of all, while some Christians disagree with me, I don’t believe all of my giving needs to go to my church. Secondly, my church itself passes money on to various charities (for instance, we have paid for wells to be dug in Africa, and we support charities that help the poor in our community).
I applaud your parents for being generous, but I agree with you: they could stand to scale back a little and get their financial house in order. It’s not a bad thing to do without many luxuries and even some things that you “need” (i.e., delaying replacing a car) in order to give, but they are doing no one any favors by having debt and no savings. You might want to direct them to Dave Ramsey, a Christian who advocates giving but also saving (and not having debt).
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I think people also mistakenly believe that money they donate to charities (outside the church) goes directly to help those in needs. In both cases, there are salaries to be paid, buildings to pay for, supplies, advertising, etc. In churches where there is a hierarchy (like in the Catholic and United Churches), money goes to each organization up the food chain.
I think there are always going to be administrative costs regardless.
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Isn’t there a tax break when giving to church?
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Yes, Paul. To any nonprofit. For now I’m declaring my charitable giving, but I have wondered if I should choose not to declare it.
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Let me tell you one thing,your parents are a gem in this world. I don’t know how God is going to bless you but certainly He will not let His obedient ones keep wanting.
Now coming to giving 10% instead of 15%: Do you really think that they will be able to save the 5% which they decide not to give to the church? Why haven’t they saved from the rest 85% of income. I think you need to coach them properly about the importance of saving, without going to the tithing issue. If they realize the importance of saving then they will certainly start doing it. I say it because I see that they realize the importance of tithing and sticking to it.They would certainly stick to saving if they realize the importance of saving.
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This is one thing my wife and I struggled with. We’re both practicing Catholics and want to give, but are also in debt due to medical bills and us immigrating. We spoke with our priest and his response was the Church ask you to support it, not give 10%. In addition, money to live, money for bills, and taxes, that money doesn’t belong to you, so it’s wrong to steal to give to God what belongs to someone else.
Thus, what we’ve done, minus rent / mortgage, bills, and loans, we then take 10% from the remaining amount. Half of that goes to the church, the other half to charities. How much is that 10%? $10 a week. It’s not much and yes we could be gazelle intense, but we’ve both been in need of charity and these organisations have helped us in the past and we always remember that there are others who are worse than us financially. And it also serves as a psychological motivation to get us in financial order so we won’t owe to any others and can live life without worry and also help others.
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I think you should continue with that percentage of giving back. I also set aside money for Tithes and Charity and I started with really a small amount. More of just 5% of my money for each category. Then when I was able to pay off debt and free up more wiggle room, I was able to put 10-15% of my money separately for Tithes and Charity. I think you’re in that transition now and will get to your desired percentage if you continue what you’re doing. You’re doing a great job!
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Some people lose sight of the fact that all the money which comes into your possession ultimately belongs to the Lord. We are merely stewards of said money and possessions. Giving a tithe to the church is merely a small allocation of using our money wisely and in a Christian manner. Romans 13:8 states, “Owe no man anything…” Being a good steward does not end with a tithe. The Bible is filled with admonitions to guard against debt, and to provide for your home. Proverbs 27:23-27 says, “Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds.”
Many Christians submit their tithes and offerings to the church and believe the rest of the money is theirs to do as they please. However, Christians are constantly instructed to take care of their affairs, avoid debt, and to not seek riches (material things). Regardless of what a person tithes, they still need to be responsible with the remainder of their money.
I don’t know the specifics of Justin’s parent’s situation, but it seems as if they need to examine every aspect of their finances and come up with a responsible, well rounded plan. Prayers for Justin as he navigates this very delicate situation.
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Justin – how good-hearted of your parents! However, I think that they might want to look beyond the money category of tithing. My parish (I’m Catholic) has a Stewardship note in the bulletin. We are to be good stewards and give to the Lord of our first fruits. However – that it time, talent and tithe(money). Perhaps they are guilty of focusing on money to the exclusion of everything else. If they decrease the dollar amount, they can more than make up for it by a tithe of time (maybe 4 hours of volunteer time a week, or 2 days a month), or in doing something that others cannot easily do (writing, bookkeeping, something artistic, etc) for their church or charity.
I travel for work every week, but one morning a month, I put away the food from our monthly food drive. It’s not much, but it’s a thankless volunteer job that most people don’t have interest in. So I consider it a tithe of my time.
They may be open to a wider view since God wants more than our cash.
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Gift-giving kills me because it seems my list of gift recipients grows every year. It is hard to keep it under control when I am adding people at every turn. If my daughter is invited to a birthday party, that is a gift. If a friend or relative gets married or has a baby, that is a gift.
I enjoy giving gifts, but I tend to feel overwhelmed, especially around Christmas.
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It seems that giving a gift has become a burden instead of joy and happiness. I don’t to what to do about it but it really hurts when I am financially tight and I have three marriage parties to attend.
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Christmas, birthdays, holidays; I want to give gifts that will mean something to the recipient but have had some lead balloons recently. I need to plan better, and maybe just be a little more sanguine about the whole thing. It feels like a real waste of money when your efforts aren’t appreciated.
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I gift for similar reasons that the writer does. I’ll pay large sums of money to buy family members nice things, while denying myself the same generousity. I justify it by saying “well I do earn more than sister 1 or brother 2, I should be able to afford this…..” And I can, at the expense of not meeting some of my personal financial goals.
This year I’m trying to focus on *giving* less and *engaging* more (I don’t live near my family, so I can’t just drop by and visit). So I am working on being there emotionally, instead of just throwing money at the relationships. This is harder than it would first seem, and I have to constantly be on guard to catch myself when I slip from the path of “oh I’ll buy this for that sister” instead of “I am going to call my sister and check in….let her talk and tell me about her life”. And my family so far doesn’t seem to mind the lack of gifts.
I have had some friends on the other hand that when I stopped being the gift gift/spender…..we ended up not hanging out as much.
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I think this is a great idea. There are people who just want really pricey stuff, but most of the gifts I’ve valued most (and some of the gifts I’ve wanted most) involved the person’s time/creativity/love rather than a lot of money: a box of little love notes from a sister, a romantic homemade-breakfast-and-cartoon-from-my-childhood gift from my husband, some really yummy chocolate-raspberry jam from a dear friend. What I most crave right now (if someone would ask me): a long massage, which could be given to me by the person (doesn’t have to be professional) but would have to be long, someone pitching in to help me get on top of housework, a visit from my best friend (who lives far away).
Sorry some people have rejected you for not throwing expensive gifts their way.
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My wife and I were donating money each month to St Judes and the Nature Conservancy, but finally when we did our taxes this year we decided to add up what we were giving, and guess what? It was ALOT. We just didn’t realize. For this year we decided to give to just 1 charity and budget it better, instead of just giving random amounts each month.
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I think a possible alternative reason for all the ridiculously lavish gift giving you describe is because it made you feel like a big shot who could afford those things, even though you really couldn’t. Saying it was out of generosity is just a way of making you look better. Sorry to be so blunt about this. It’s just that we all have our faults, and it looks like you’ve learned your lesson, so it’s better to cut to the chase and be honest about your (former) motivations. I know this is a trap many fall into, myself included. One day I realised I didn’t need the fake boost of self-worth that came with buying gifts I couldn’t really afford, so I stopped. Now that I can afford to give more, I do, but not to a ridiculous degree.
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I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Conspicuous consumption is alive and well. Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conspicuous_consumption if you aren’t familiar with the term.
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Could not disagree more–seems to me that it was driven by a lack of self-esteem, i.e. “I am not enough on my own”-ism so he brought gifts. Buying expensive wine to share with friends and enjoy was likely both in an attempt to help his friends enjoy themselves and also to buy comfort when he felt his presence wasn’t enough. Spending a lot on people you love isn’t always a show to make them love you more. Sometimes it’s just because you love them so stinkin’ much and you don’t know how to let them know, because in your gut you feel sure that they know–just like you think you know–you’re not enough of a draw, just as you are.
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mhm!!
pre-recession i bought elaborate gifts for everyone, esp at christmas, hundreds of dollars of gifts.
post-recession, i am usually at $20 and under for a gift. i’d like to buy nicer things for everyone, but it would be suicidal for me to do so. thankfully my family knows my financial situation and will get excited about my inexpensive gifts anyway
:)
my husband? oh man, i stress about that a little- he’s great with gifts and has a great job, i can rarely match gifts dollar-for-dollar. i try to put a lot of thought into it though and usually a small handmade item makes it in there too.
and when i make cookies, i make a special one for him with his initial, does that count?? lol cheap thrills
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Hmmm… no, I don’t think it’s a lack of self-esteem or the need to boost self-worth. It also goes beyond the 50′s mentality. It goes deeper than personal issues, it’s a bigger force than that.
Wooing women is one of the things that will make young men lose their minds and all sense of restraint. Feats of strength, absurd hair, rock stardom, dangerous sports, extravagant spending, knights battling dragons, Romeos climbing walls (this is now known as “stalking”), heroic missions for humanitarian ends, dreadful love poetry– its all in the game and it has been for millions of years.
In nature birds display their plumage and engage in ritual fights, rams lock horns in battle, bears wrestle and maul each other, plants ooze enough pollen to bury cities— all displays of non-frugal, wasteful, extravagant energy. While this appears silly from a rationalistic, individually-oriented mindset, it makes economic sense in the long run and a larger context, as securing a mate ensures the propagation of your lineage and the continuation of the species. How did William Blake put it? “Exuberance is beauty”.
Hormones. Blame hormones. And a lack of experience, because you need to apply that excess energy where it counts. Not every potential mate gets impressed by the same thing.
Once you’ve secured a mate you can switch to husband mode, walk around in your underwear, grow a beer belly, get bad haircuts, sell the motorcycle, watch too many sports and start complaining about how money doesn’t grow on trees. HA!
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Again, I politely disagree. I am a woman, and I am just like Tim in the gift-giving tendencies. I think basing it on gender and primal behavior is ill-advised. Furthermore, dreadful love poetry will be around as long as people with dark humor or sardonic wit–or starry-eyed, earnest, naive people with no love but active imaginations–are around. Actual love or seeking it is immaterial for bad love poetry. Sometimes a poem is just an exercise in writing, a social experiment to see if the writer can fool the audience, or a doodle while something boring is going on. Knights slaying dragons may do so for the fair maiden, but then they also may do so because the dragon is an imminent threat. People do not always seek out challenges to prove their love any more than they always give gifts to prove their love; sometimes they do it because it is something that means nothing to them but will greatly help the recipient. I give my sister (a single mom with three kids; one has special needs) money, groceries, clothes, etc. because these things greatly help her out but they don’t matter much to me. Is this because I’m trying to woo her? No. I often pay for lunch when I get together with my best friend. Am I wooing her? No, she works for a nonprofit and I know–because she’s my friend and we talk about these things–that money is sometimes tight. I value her friendship more than money, so I’d rather I pay occasionally and get to see her even for a 45 minute meal than not pay and also not see her.
To suggest that mating is the end goal of every person who fits the description in this article is to pigeonhole and stereotype what I suspect is your own gender (males). Further, it reinforces the (now disproven, as I recall from reading about a recent study) assumption that all men think about is sex.
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Lighten up!
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Tim was buying his girlfriend too many Snapples, people blamed it on self esteem, I shifted the blame to hormones. I was once his age and also single, and I haven’t forgotten what it was like. Maybe that makes me a primitive ape or something–I’m fine with that. And maybe Tim actually have self esteem problems, but I seriously doubt it.
Of course, that doesn’t meant that different kinds of people don’t try to ingratiate themselves to others or help them with gifts, but that’s beyond the scope of what I was writing about, which wasn’t a theory of gift-giving, or a theory of love poetry, just a theory of showering girlfriends with Snapple.
I even wondered, while I was writing, if similar behaviors exist in gay couples, and my assumption is that they do; from what I’ve observed the behaviors exist whenever there’s a dynamic of pursuit; but being a primitive breeder myself, and not wanting to project my own assumptions onto others, and not knowing how to ask people to contribute their own experiences in a tactful manner, I decided to abstain from the subject and write only of what I know for fear that the Inquisition would show up unexpected.
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Hormones can cause a number of things. I will happily concede that point. My point was merely that they cannot be to blame for all of the things you listed in every instance. I understand more of where you are coming from now, though, El Nerdo. I appreciate the clarification, and the Onslow reference
As for the “lighten up!” comment, perhaps I should; however, discussions not about mood (unless that is the topic), they are about discussing. My apologies if I have offended anyone by getting too into the discussion instead of rolling with a “whatever guys, let’s all get another beer and have fun!” kind of comment like I would throw out in a real-life situation.
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Yeah, all I meant to illustrate was that courtship tends to be exuberant, extravagant, and excessive, in whatever form it takes, and that should be taken into account in Tim’s case.
And I can’t speak for others, but I wasn’t offended–usually if I get offended I’ll immediately reciprocate the perceived insult with another, ha ha ha. And I hope that wasn’t the case!
Alright, I must flee the internets now, but I’m glad we could understand each other. (What I’m not glad about is the result of the Bayern-Dortmund game today, but that’s another story…!)
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To El Nerdo: All good until the last paragraph, and then you lost me. I don’t care how secure a relationship is, there’s no excuse for “letting yourself go.”
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Exactly, ’cause god knows we can’t get away with that. A “beer belly” on a woman, even after three kids means she’s lazy and ‘not interested in keeping her man’. Premature graying (before the age of 30) doesn’t exist if L’Oreal has anything to say about it, If she’s no longer a weekend warrior, she’s not ambitious and so on.
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Don’t you recognize satire when you see it?
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Haa haaa, I was joking of course, I merely wanted to point out that mating behavior is not the same as nesting behavior, but I didn’t write a whole essay about it, and I thought a humorous example would suffice.
Of course I had an Onslow type in mind when I wrote this. You know Onslow, right?
Anyway, I’m glad some people got the joke.
And funny thing…! I just met my wife for lunch at a bar to watch a soccer game, and we both had a beer. True story.
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I got it too, just didn’t think it was funny. I still love you Nerdo!
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Ah, it’s cool, not everybody needs to laugh, I just don’t want it to come across as if I was advocating neglect or double standards. Whether I conveyed it correctly or not, I do think that the contrast in stereotypical male behavior from the mating to the nesting phase is funny though.
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My mother is very frugal so I can save money on her, she doesn’t like us spending lots on her. My sister is the big spender. Her accounts are always hovering around zero but she always manages to buy a great expensive gift for every occasion.
I was lucky to find a relatively cheap girlfriend. Usually the only cost is the gas of transport.
I try to donate a little too much to charity, but it hasn’t sunk me yet, so I guess I can scrape up that money to give still.
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I think the numbers for you will change also. But you are getting it done. Looking ahead, health care for you mom, combined financial goals for you and your girlfriend and also great job with sticking to giving back to charity. Not so many young people do this and that I think is remarkable.
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Good for you that you recognized how unnecessary it is to bring gifts at every meeting and to pay for things all the time. This isn’t the 1950s as you say, and you don’t need to be a sole provider/spender. Anyone having an issue with your new approach is not a good catch.
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He might not have to be the “sole provider”, however if his ideal mate is a woman interested in having children and staying home to raise them demonstrating that he could support her is going to help his courtship.
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Every guy I’ve dated would be horrified if I tried to pay for “my share” or the entire meal. “Horrified” is too strong a word, but they would immediately and politely let me know I am not paying for it. Maybe its the age range/generation of the men I generally date and its never in my own age group…
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Travel is the killer for me. Of course I should go support my mom at her sister’s funeral. Plane tickets killed my entire travel budget, though. And then there’s a family wedding coming up and if I don’t shell out for the destination wedding it will mean I don’t love my brother. So I guess we don’t get to fix the bathroom this year…
The necessary family gifts for the materialistic side of the family come out in $75/person increments, and we can budget for them (though I resent it – all of the adults would be better off just buying themselves what they want instead of trading unwanted crap back and forth).
The experience-valuing side of the family comes in huge chunks of time and money (wedding-on-a-cruise-ship is going to be something like $8,000 for me, partner, & kiddo – plus 12 days of vacation time).
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IMHO, ‘destination weddings’ are thoughtless at best. I send the couple a reasonable gift and my best wishes.
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for other people I would do that. For a close family member, the real cost of that approach would be decades of drama.
When I was working, the issue was time – as the working parent of a young child, all my vacation/sick days were 100% spoken for. Now that I’m not working I have time but not money. Either way, people who decide to have destination weddings should foot some of the travel bill if they really want people to show up.
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My wife’s dad’s girlfriend’s daughter (follow that?) is having a destination wedding in St. Maarten next year. Of course, the girlfriend says we all “have” to come.
Dad and girlfriend live in town, and the daughter is someone we’ve only met once or twice. IOW, we’re not really close. There’s people’s weddings who you “have” to go to, and there’s people’s weddings you don’t have to go to.
I have really thick skin, so don’t feel inclined to do these types of things for appearances.
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My thoughtful friends had a destination wedding, but it was just the two of them. When they got back to the mainland, they planned a local reception for friends and family. I think that’s a much better idea, especially if you’re hell bent on having a destination wedding.
I think expecting people to spend thousands of dollars for a wedding at a location that not everyone would want to go to is incredibly selfish and elitist. I have elderly family members who would not be able to shell out that kind of money and/or expend that that type of energy on something like that. Not to mention the young cousins who are in college, grad school, young families, etc.
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To be fair, this is a couple where each family is from a different continent, so there was no “local” place to have the wedding for both sides.
Some couples I’ve known have just traveled themselves, and done it twice, once where she is from and once where he is from. But that is taking on a lot of expense and trouble for the marrying couple, just to avoid expense and trouble for others.
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Someone I know had a destination wedding last year. I had never heard of this before. The bride and groom plus all their family and most of their friends live within 250 miles of each other in New England. She had the wedding in a remote beach location in the South on a Thursday night.
To go would have meant taking time off work, staying in the remote hotel that was the only form of accommodation in 100 miles, flying, plus renting a car to get to the destination. I asked if she was doing that because she didn’t want anyone there and she was miffed — I genuinely thought the only reason one would plan that would be because they knew no one would go. But people did (not me, for sure — it would have cost me around $3,000 to go)! Go figure.
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If not coming to the destination wedding for eight grand is meaning that you don’t support your brother, then your brother is a really, really shallow and thoughtless man.
Support needs to go both ways. If he isn’t mature enough to realize that he is putting a major burden on you with his plans (or, more likely, hers…), then he isn’t much of a brother and deserves only a cheap gift.
I would say thanks, but no thanks, can’t afford it either money or time-wise, and here is a nice gift to get you started and I look forward to seeing the pictures later.
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And yet, still my brother. Still my mom’s darling little boy. Still my child’s godfather. The effect of not going would be, seriously, YEARS of emotional fallout. If we just didn’t have the money, I’d say so. But saying “I actually wanted to save some money this year, dude” doesn’t have the same effect. At least not in my family.
In the same way, my partner’s sister-in-law floated the whole “you know we spend all year scrimping and saving for this Christmas extravaganza and it might be nice to scale it back so we could do other things sometimes” and was met with a complete wall of denial (and, I expect, a behind-the-scenes freakout from her husband like what I get from my partner when I make similar “your family’s Christmas traditions are not universal and following our own values in December might be nice, honey” suggestions). It’s possible to make changes in our families, but there’s a cost.
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How sad that your brother holds grudges over things like that. I’m not close with my brother, but he is a good, mature man who I really respect.
I can understand your reasoning. I’m just sad that he can’t see that your having some money saved might keep him from having to support you someday…
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Rosa,
I come from a very large family and all the “mandatory” Christmas gifts were killing our budget. 3 of my siblings and I “asked” the others if we could just stop sending each other gifts every year (which no one really liked – either giving or receiving) and one sibling was sooooooooo upset at the very thought – it was ridiculous. So we continued to do it for a few more years and then we just said “No. We’re not doing it” (had more important things to spend our $ on (like kids’ education funds). Wow – the fallout was incredible, i.e. “you must just not want to be a part of this family”, etc. Too bad – that’s what did and we still don’t regret it, not one bit. Should have made that decision decades ago.
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Yeah, my preference would be to not buy presents for adults – if the older folks were on a fixed income, they might have an unfulfilled want, but everyone’s quite prosperous – and continue to buy for the kids, who actually appreciate the heap of stuff.
If it were my family, I might just opt out…though, I am folding on the stupid cruise, so who knows. I don’t get a vote on how we deal with his family, though.
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Don’t set bad precedence. You will pay for your friend the first time out of etiquette. You will pay for your friend second time out of love. And if you are unable to pay the third time, then he/she will think that you have changed. You no longer love him/her.
Don’t just take out your purse just because you can afford. Think what precedence you are going to set.
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Way back when I was single and student loan broke, the bar across the street from our work had happy hours with dollar beers and free appetizers. Another friend (also broke, but from an upper middle class family and NO student loans) and I would occasionally make a dinner of it for $5 total for the two of us. (one or two beers a piece plus a dollar tip).
We generally each paid our own way, but several times my friend didn’t have any money so I covered for her and told her not to worry about it. Then one time she covered for me and to be honest I never thought about it again. About 3 weeks later she mentioned that I still hadn’t paid her the $2.50 for that night we’d gone out. Wow!! I was embarassed beyond belief but I was also shocked at her lack of generous spirit. In retrospect, she’d never told me not to worry about it, I’d just assumed that since I’d covered for her a few times, she’d cover for me.
Lesson learned. And never again did I tell that particular friend “not to worry about it.”
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It really takes time to understand who are friends are and when we do realize it hurts. But I am quite sure that after those years you are now more skilled in choosing friends. An unbalanced relationship hurts.If I love unconditionally then I expect unconditional love in return and if I don’t get it I get hurt.Its strange but its true.
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We were much more generous when we didn’t have control of our finances. I think having an understanding of how hard we worked for our money and a clearer ability to assess others’ misuse of their money made it easier for us to say no to relatives and to charities. I’m not entirely comfortable with our new found sense of responsibility as it has by definition made us less generous both in fact and in spirit.
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this is why I don’t have 3D people in my life. So much cheaper!
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I really, really, love giving gifts, especially to my parents. When I book hotels for my parents, I try to find a good deal, but I also try to put them in nice places like the Omni or Hyatt (I do this with hotel points or Hotwire or other booking sites to save some $$). I know that’s luxury that they’d probably not splurge on for themselves.
And being Asian parents, they will talk about my gift to their friends, not so much to brag (OK, maybe a little), but more of an acknowledgement that they have done their job right and have raised a good daughter who thinks of them enough to put them up in nice hotels. So their happiness is not just derived from staying in a nice hotel, but also (and maybe even more) from the fact that I put them in a nice hotel. And my happiness at giving the gift is not just derived from the fact that they are staying in a nice hotel, but that THEY are happy that I put them up in a nice hotel. Whew!
And I don’t really care what their relatives/friends think of me, but I care what my parents think their relatives/friends think of me. Plus, it just feels WRONG to put my parents into a motel, you know? Even though I know they wouldn’t mind.
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To me, it would feel WRONG for me to be paying for my parents’ accommodation. As Judge Judy (sorry!) once said: Parents pay for kids, not the other way round. I would never take a penny off my children, unless it were some kind of dire emergency that I can’t even imagine right now. It’s my job to provide for them, and when they’re grown up and married with kids, their responsibility will be for their own children. I noticed paying for parents’ accommodation was mentioned in the article but let it pass, but now that it’s come up again I just wanted to address this issue from the other point of view.
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I think that if your parents did well by you in giving you a start to make a significantly better life for yourself than they had themselves (IE: I make a lot more money than my parents do) there is nothing wrong with paying back some of that good fortune that surely your parents had a hand in.
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I had to read your post a couple times because it confused me. Why do you feel the need to come out and judge the relationship a stranger has with their parents?
There was no reference to whether a child “should” pay for their parents accomodations at all. These are GIFTS. They were only referring to their own feelings on how big/luxurious a gift they felt they wanted to give their parents.
Why bring such a negative response to a personal story?
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I’m Hispanic and don’t agree with this at all. As soon as we become adults we are expected to “help” our parents in any way we can(whether than means giving them $50 a month or buying them groceries once in awhile.) I love my mom and am glad to help her out with a few bucks now and then.
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Lucky lady!! I wish my husband would buy me presents all the time.
Actually I say that and just realize now that he often picks me up a Skor bar or some other equally yummy treat when he goes to the grocery store- that’s pretty cool of him.
I’m probably on the other end of the spectrum- too stingy in my giving. This was never a problem in my own family since gift giving is not a very big deal for us so we are all quite stingy but my husband’s family is quite extravagant with gift giving (sometimes to their own detriment) so it doesn’t feel fair to match their extravagance with my stingy ideas of gift giving. At the same time, I don’t see why their (skewed?) priorities should be imposed upon me in this area…
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This is a really good point. I have a loved one who has become a bit more generous than he used to be but is known for being stingy. Quite frankly, if you are well off, you don’t have shower someone with lavish gifts all the time, but he has done things like taking a dating couple out to eat and then only paid for his blood relative, not her boyfriend. There’s a time to loosen up a be a bit more generous.
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There’s stingy, and then there’s rude.
I mean, my family is ridiculously cheap. One of my uncles and his sister traded the same $5 bill back and forth for birthdays for maybe 30 years. My immediate family doesn’t even exchange gifts, just phone calls and e-cards (though like I said above, they do expect us to trek cross-country at least twice a year, small child in tow, and spend every hour of PTO on “family time”.)
But inviting someone out for dinner and not paying for their partner is rude, like not tipping, or hiring a professional to do work but paying late or contesting every detail.
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We are still spending about 50% of our PTO and travel budget on family. Not for their expenses, but to get US to where they are, because none of them can or will travel. It’s a PITA.
We love ‘em but at the same time we feel our relative prosperity has created the expectation that we can always be the ones coming to them. There’s usually some kind of guilt-inducing comment when we tell them about a non-family vacation.
Basically (analyzing here) it’s not so much that we have to spend our travel time and money in destinations that wouldn’t be our first choice. It’s that we aren’t super close to begin with, we usually end up with little left to say to each other after a day or two, and yet there’s this pressure to spend all our time with them even though they don’t want to, or physically can’t, do the things WE would choose to do in that destination.
This has gone way off topic, sorry! To bring it back: don’t set precedents with family that you might not want to maintain for a lifetime. We’re just lucky nobody has had a stupid “destination wedding.”
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That $5 bill sounds more like a long-running joke than anything else, like the apocryphal fruitcake that never gets eaten but ends up as a Christmas gift every year.
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@Andrew – it ended up as a joke, but when they started (in the late ’60s or early ’70s) I’m sure it was for real – I was born in 1974, and my baby book has a page where my mom listed all the visitors and gifts they got*. $2 in a card was a pretty common one.
*probably so she’d remember to write thank you notes.
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My grandfather sent me $4 every Christmas from the year I was born until the year he died, 27 years later. I appreciated that money as a child, ignored it as a young adult, and remember it fondly today.
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Perhaps they think that your stingy priorities are the ones that are skewed. The truth probably lies in the middle.
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I hope you still bring the Snapple every now and then!!! Little things mean a lot!! And the longer people are togehter, the less they tend to remember those little things.
We do give 10% to our church each year, and we also sponsor a child through Plan USA, and we budget for that, but the thing that gets REALLY tough, is I hae a hard, hard time not giving and giving and giving to toy drives, food drives, clothinjg drives, etc… When I see a food drive, I tend to feel like unless I’m giving 2-3 bags full of food, it’s not enough. We’ve gone from getting one or two Salvation Army angel Tree kids to my trying to making 3 or 4 work, PLUS the car full of toys to this toys for tots drive, and that one over there, and OMG! Your work place wants everyone to adpot a family in a shelter for Christmas with a week of food and I don’t have time to bargin shop for sales?
This past year, somehow, we managed to pay for it all, but for about 3 months, put little to nothing into savings. And while the majority of what we give, is to charities, I admit, I do get anxious at Christmas and birthdays about giving a “good” gift. Even though about 70% of what I find for people I’ve been able to get fantastic sales on, I always feel like it’s not enough…!! Like I can’t top or match everyone else. Every year it gets a little bit worse. I pray, I can rein myself in this year with the giving to toys for tots and all… I’m thinking I’m going to tell myself since Toys for Tots and Salvation Army are paired up, giving to one, is like giving to the other as well, and do my best to stay on target, so that when unexpected things come up, it’s not as painful to give. I always will give til it hurts, but last year, it hurt so much needed an IV of the morphine my husband had in galbladder surguy!!
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Sarah – you took the words right out of my mouth. I always warn people not to start expensive charitable giving traditions with kids to teach them the true meaning of Christmas. Two years ago, I calculated that all our Christmas and Thanksgiving “voluntary” giving came out to nearly $1500! That’s when I told our kids that we were discontinuing our family tradition of each child pulling a name off the giving tree at church. Last year we pulled only one name off.
There’s so much school, sports, and workplace giving that’s not really voluntary at Christmastime. Particularly at the Catholic schools and CYO sports that my kids attend.
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We don’t belong to a church, but we give 10% tithe between several local charities that feel do good work (our library system, no-kill cat shelter and Goodwill).
I make many of the gifts that I give. Felt play food sets, bookmarks that go with purchased books, etc.
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I think my gift giving is in part guilt because I have been “lucky” (meaning got a good education and worked hard) and I am financially more successful that most of my family. I have the same thoughts that someone else mentioned in that I think I should pay because I make more money. This was a good article and food for thought!
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Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” has some great insight to why people do what they do. Sounds like gift-giving is your love language! Of course, as you’ve discovered, there are other love languages, and there are other ways to give gifts without spending lots of money.
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This year I resolved to only give gifts that I made myself. There are lots of positives that came along with this. I learned several new skills and crafts, people actually *remember* what I’ve given them, and I honestly believe they appreciate more than a store bought gift. This has greatly cut down on cost and the number of gifts I give.
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I agree, homemade gifts are great to give. However, the costs of buying craft material can really add up
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What a great story! I love giving gifts, and have gotten rather good at making them all myself. I found that if I show up to a dinner party with wine, fine, but if I show up with salted caramel sauce and a pint of ice cream, I’m a hero!
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2 Corinthians 9:6-7. Generosity is a good thing as is knowing when giving is not a good thing. Isn’t it usually about the motive? Not always simple to figure out but worth it.
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I spoiled my girlfriend for quite some time before figuring out how expensive it was. Now, we both enjoy conscious spending together, as I’ve converted her to the dark side: frugality. It has brought us closer. Also, when I do spoil her now, she knows how much it means to me to spend that much money for, say, concert tickets. She appreciates it more.
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Tim you sound like a super sweet boyfriend. I hope you keep it up sometimes in husband-mode.
I am struggling with this right now big time planning the bridal shower and bachelorette party for my best friend. I am trying so hard to keep in check and stick to a budget but every time I see something cute but a little too pricey I think how much I love her and how I want it to be perfect for her. I know really she will not care if the invitations match the balloons or if we have little favors or not … but I care!!!
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Some of us have giving as a part of our culture. We give to our church because we believe it is right for us to tithe.
The giving that I am speaking of is never showing up at anyone’s home without a gift, showing appreciation for a kindness with a gift and gifting back to someone who has given me a gift.
This type of giving is still a part of my behavior, but like Tim Sullivan, I have curtailed my excessive giving. Others, who do not have my cultural background, felt uncomfortable receiving gifts that were too grand or expensive for the occasion. Many times, the gifts that I gave were unnecessary and a simple heartfelt thanks or verbal show of appreciation were all that was needed.
When I visit my relatives then I can practice my cultural giving where it is appropriate. Now I am more relaxed and my budget doesn’t take the hit that it used when I was over-giving.
Tim, thank you for the great article.
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what a great article, one that struck me personally. within my group of friends there is one who gifts excessively. last year we agreed on a group gift where everyone would contribute X dollars. the excessive gifter went on impulse with a large purchase, thus leaving the rest of us to cover a larger sum. this caused a huge rift in the group as the delinquent had good intentions but negative impact, and was a chronic issue.
i’ve since stopped gifting for birthdays, christmas and yearly events. as i get older i have the cash to buy myself what i want, buying and receiving gifts of reciprocal value is a time waster. lets just party together.
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I have a similar issue, though in one of my social circles, I’m the odd one out. The other folks all spend a LOT of time and money picking out/sending cute little presents for everyone else – and it’s not just birthdays and holidays, it’s also ‘thinking of you’ type presents.
In this group of friends I’ve noticed that the ones that are most enthusiastic about presents for other people are the worst about taking care of themselves. For example, one will spend a lot of time and money buying cutesy presents but won’t spend that time to cook for herself or pay for healthy pre-cooked meals….I guess that it could work out if other people picked up the personal slack in return, but honestly, I find that rather exhausting and inefficient.
I’m trying to reduce my participation in the neverending present exchange, but it’s been difficult since everyone else likes it, and I think that they feel bad leaving me out….though I’d much prefer it.
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If you want out I suggest you speak up now. I recently made a new friend (well, last year sometime) and as the holidays were coming up she said casually that she doesn’t do any gifts. This didn’t come as a huge surprise because she is not really into any holidays. But her saying something directly help me avoid embarrassment of giving her something (which I had already purchased, but was easily able to re-direct to a luckier friend). I’m sure once you make your wishes known, your friends will honor it.
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As far as gift-giving, I try to give friends and family things often, but they are usually a frugal option: Hand made soap (they always LOVE this!) a loaf of machine-made bread, a pot of chicken soup/stew, a brick of frozen homemade spaghetti sauce, etc.
Food still costs money, but in comparison to other options, I prefer it.
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I think that such gifts bring more happiness than those which we bought with money. Our loved ones not only like such gifts but also remember them for a lifetime.
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I guess my upbringing skirted the whole gifting thing. Our family *never* routinely gave gifts outside the family, and within the family it was always at a level appropriate to our means.
My parents contributed to a couple of causes (they supported their church, though not through a tithe; the local community theatre; the Nature Conservancy; and a couple of others) but looking back, it is clear to me that they BUDGETED for this. It was never impulsive.
I think that impulsive, reflexive, bandwagon-style giving is rarely truly effective and can be quite damaging to the giver – as the commenter above who couldn’t save anything for three months because every spare penny was going out the door.
As to friends: BYOB and PYOW are the best ways to keep less-intimate relationships on an even keel.
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Impulsive gift-giving is a symptom that should be dealt with as soon as possible lest it begins to hurt badly.
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Thank you Tim,
I really like this post, with your honesty and willingness to share your experiences.
I enjoyed the suggestions you made and how you showed up with yourself, not just expensive gifts.
I am writing for a web site dedicated to the experience of retirement and Senior living: http://www.retireandrenew.com
It occurs to me that Seniors may be looking for ways to visit with a friend but lack the money to buy gifts.
Your suggestions will be really helpful.
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Very interesting, I think I may do this by going out to lunch with friends instead of just getting together to talk. I need to take a look at this.
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I used to buy birthday and holiday gifts for relatives’ step kids – more out of guilt and obligation than out of love. I never received acknowledgement or thank yous. So…I stopped. And I don’t feel guilty! Why give gifts if they are not appreciated?
Similarly, I used to do the same for cards and choose the perfect Hallmark card for any and every friend and relative for every moment to celebrate or offer comfort. I find that I don’t receive cards much myself anymore, so I have stopped that. A happy birthday phone call is enough for some people. For really special people who appreciate and expect a card, I still send them. And no cards for little kids who will just throw them in the trash! Stickers go over better anyway. Cards are expensive and really add up!
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My ex-husband showered me with expensive flowers and had them delivered to the office (even more $!) to make a show.
What means more? The first gift my current fiance gave me was a piece of tupperware I’d been searching for to carry my lunch to work each day. Much more about how much he cared and thought about me.
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Lori….wish someone would put on a show for me…never had flowers delivered to my office. I don’t want the sentiment, I want the bling!!
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Lucille, I had to laugh at your posting, because, while I do tend to most value gifts that aren’t necessarily extravagant but are well-thought out, I’ve been wanting my husband to send flowers to the office for years now and have let him know that, but he hasn’t fulfilled that wish. I’ve tried to explain to him that when one woman gets flowers in the office, it is almost a status thing: “Oooh, look what my (boyfriend/husband) did for me. He thinks I’m special. What a great catch I have.” My husband is a wonderful man and has done some great things for me, many of which are far more special than flowers at the office. But I still really want those flowers.
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Just gotta have the flowers and some romantic dinners wouldn’t go amisss…followed by a walk on the beach to watch the sunset….and then being wrapped up in two loving arms….am I asking too much???
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If you are spending lavishly on friends or girlfriends, I wonder if they are really friends anyway. Real friendship or relationship is not dependent on spending money.
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In a romantic relationship, just buying things seems like an easy way out– especially if eventually finances are combined… who is really paying for the gift at that point?
There are lots of other ways to be thoughtful and show you care than just buying flowers or Snapple, and in the long run those are probably more important. Show you can cook a meal (if you can’t, learn how to cook!) and that you can give time and encouragement when it’s needed and can remember important events… things that don’t cost much in money terms, but mean a lot more in a long-term relationship.
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I grew up in a pretty frugal household. We didn’t have a lot of money. Gifts were never extravagant.
Eventually, I met & married my guy. His family is just too much in terms of parties and gifts. We are going to a baptism next weekend and the party will be on a boat with catering, a DJ, etc. For Easter, every child received an Easter basket from each family and other additional gifts. My jaw dropped when my guy said he wanted to give his goddaughter $50 for Easter because, “that’s how it was when he grew up.” God forbid his mom finds out how much we gave someone and it’s not enough…
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Good gravy! What I really don’t get is why the parents don’t rise up in protest. I grew up in a house where you got one (modest) Easter basket. I planned to continue that tradition, but my MIL insists on also giving our child (her only grandchild) an Easter basket with lots of Stuff. Even my kid, who is now 13, recognizes this as excess. This year the Easter basket included a little candy, pajamas (she did need those), earrings and the ugliest decorative clock we have ever seen. My MIL seems not to be able to stop shopping. I have asked her to stop getting my kid so much Stuff, but she ignored my requests, and I’ve given up. Still, I don’t get why parents would really want their kids to be showered with multiple Easter baskets. What’s the point to it all? A small treat can be a delight. Excessive treats lose their glory, take up space, cost too much, make us fat…. I just don’t get it.
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we protested. Now the grandparents bypass us and give stuff directly to the kid. Then we have to be the big bad guys to say no.
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To be perfectly frank, I think overspending while dating is fairly normal. There is a difference between being ‘frugal’ and being ‘cheap’, and you certainly don’t want to give off the impression that you are the latter. Lord knows I spent quite a bit of money when I first started dating my wife, but over time thats generally something that cools off in the natural course of things. We still go out to eat on ocassion, but not nearly as frequently as it once did.
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I also used to battle with this. I have 9 nieces and nephews! Finally, I told my sister that I wasnt buying for her and her husband and my brother and his wife anymore. She still buys for me and I just say “thanks.” Birthdays- I give all the nieces and nephews a $10 bill. Christmas- I give them all a $20 bill. Makes life easier. I wish I could make their parents (my siblings) put their birthday/christmas money in savings accounts or 529 accounts but I cannot control the world (unfortunately).
Also, I think it is a lot easier just to let everyone think that we don’t have very much money to begin with. This is easy for us since we live on less than 50% of our income.
My inlaws wanted us to participate in multiple gift exchanges at Christmas and finally I had to draw the line. I think they are unhappy about it but I dont need to buy 6 $20 knick knacks just to exchange for 6 other $20 knick knacks. It’s stupid. Plus we drive 14 hours there and back for Christmas anyways. I dont need to be hauling all that crap there and back. Sorry to sound so bitter. = )
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My bro said the same thing. Don’t buy for us just buy for the kids. I still buy for all but the scale is much smaller what I give to bro and S-I-L than what I give to the kids.
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What’s money for if not for a few treats, whilst dating or not?? I’m speaking as a person who’s been thought of as “a cheap date” as I never expect anything lavish….and since I don’t expect I don’t get!!? I envy those women who elicit extravagant gestures from their beaus…20 red roses, helium balloons, champagne and oysters. The guys I’ve met are all saving for retirement….youth is wasted on the young!!!
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Home baked items, like banana bread or home brewed beer go pretty far at parties.
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This is a good post and there are so many thoughts that accompany gift-giving, etc. that I don’t know if it’s possible to really understand motives for lavishing others to the point of not saving. I’ve overspent and been broke most of my life so I truly understand the desire to save and I can always justify blowing money on my adult children, but at the same time, I feel like there’s something there that I’m not recognizing, like my own goals? Yeah, that’s it, put your babies before yourself, isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? Frugal Chick does seem to get it and I admire that!
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Hopefully my kids will appreciate it when they get to college age and realize that I have been giving monthly to their college accounts..since they were both less than a year old. I have also gotten them birthday and Christmas presents from garage sales before (*they looked new*) Instead of lavishing them and others with gifts, I am saving for them in a way that they cannot appreciate until they are old enough to understand! Hopefully they won’t hate me! = )
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@Frugal Chick
Being able to go to the college of my choice without having to worry while my friends ended up having to go to the place that gave them the most money or a community college or ended up with huge amounts of debt… that made a lot of my childhood absolutely worth it. Plus I grew up with the skills to survive being broke in graduate school!
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I agree gift giving (and mens’ 50′s mentality) are complicated and I’d love to simplify all this in my family.
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That said – the good vanilla, IMHO, is totally worth it. I currently am making my own, but I also have a bottle from BJs (like Costco or Sam’s Club) and another that’s a double bourbon Madagascar vanilla. And I can *totally* tell the difference
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I grew up in a one child family that had modest spending habits. Only one main xmas gift or birthday gift etc. As my kids grew up we kept it to modest spending as well. Now there are grandchildren….who are American kids with big expectations. It seems that they have so many toys and clothes that I feel like I do not want to add to this consumption. Plus I am now retired and it is time to cut back on our own expenses. After all, my mother has been sending me just a birthday card for my birthday and a calandar for xmas for decades now. So I have cut it back to a book for each of the 10 grandchildren for xmas, and some spending money for a special outing for birthdays. My grown up kids have been cut back to a bar of fancy chocolate for their bithdays and my husband will give them a hundred bucks per couple for xmas spending.
Just wanting to point out that there is a point in life where you no longer need to be surporting kids and giving them all.
Should the kids help support their parents?…well it is a cultural thing but respect needs to be given to the elders and an occassional gift like a trip for the parents on their 50th anniversary or something like from the kids would bring honor to them and their parents.
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hi everyone. tim’s girlfriend here. i want to elucidate a few things for those keeping track at home:
1. tim did not win my heart because he brought me snapple (or anything at all). he won my heart by being the most gracious, intelligent, funny, caring, loving and amazing person i have ever met. he was not the first person to buy me a snapple but he had every other quality i was looking for and so the snapple became absolutely secondary.
2. he knows good wine, good vanilla, good living in general but is the most humble, confident man you could hope to meet, and his confidence has nothing to do with the things he knows how to buy.
3. other things tim does to show me love that don’t involve spending lots of money: cooking dinner like a champ, rubbing my feet when i’m tired, listening carefully to the minutiae of my day, encouraging me to be my highest self, sending me typewritten letters, loving my friends and family like his own… i could go on for DAYS. he’s good at giving gifts, but gentlemen: please take note that women can see right through it if that’s all you have to offer. learn the love languages.
4. i don’t eat THAT much cookie dough! clearly this is a fictional article.
ok. fin.
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GREAT article. Just what I needed to hear. I’m female and I still have that “provider” instinct you speak of because in part I out-earn my parents and siblings. I just love little “I was thinking of you” gifts and as I tracked the spending in March….damn! I decided to cut back in April and though I have cut back, I can see the creep in my budget. for me the gifts also come with a postage price tag since i live far from my immediate family and loved ones.
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I used to spend and spend and be nice..Most were not grateful, never even got a thank you..Now and early on I believe in Karma I give out to the world only what I truly can afford, hubby is retired, spoil him a lot, our only child who will be 35 at the end of the year..spoil my hubby’s youngest brother a vietnam vet with ptsd still and just got ptsd benefits from the va in 2007 after working to get them for about 30 or so years..I help people anonymously, my hubby is generous and sweet and kind to me and so is my only child, I have childhood friends since 2nd grade..Lost my Mom when I was young, dad took to the drink, really in fact lost him..Lost my grandmother who I adored and she was crazy for me..it is the people who love you in life you can spoil others, I just try to relieve their daily trials and tribulations.Volunteering at a place that feeds families and people who are pinched in this world now gasoline almost $5.00 a gallon, domestic violence too..I am grateful each day and minute and moment and thank my spiritual guidance (God to me) and throw out into the world joy and happiness when and if I can which to me should be daily..and try to do it daily..Most people do live lives of quiet desparation only it isn’t so quiet..why not be sweet to the humans, felines, canines when one is above the terrestrial we are not going to take it with us..Live right by the largest cemetery in a two state area, I see the place when I take a bus to work, & always why people spend so much to honor the dead and never made a difference while alive when they could have been the recipient of their love and affection and spoiling..You sound like a gentleman to me and that is rare in this society, I thought I was married to the last Gentleman in our country but evidently your Mamma & Daddy taught you right and manners..ciao..love the blog, always learn something new and get a new perspective on living this life..it can be sweet or sour, I like to think sweeter is better than sour! have a great week..happy passover late and happy easter later too! ciao
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Great article! I’m also guilty of excessive gift giving and it certainly hinders my financial freedom and savings goals. I too tend to pick up the bill at dinner as a nice gesture even if subconsciously I know I shouldn’t be eating out myself let alone paying for a friend’s meal. During the holidays I tend to buy expensive gifts for my family rather than focus on the real gift which is spending quality time with them.
I liked your thoughts on “tracking my spending allowed me to create a column just for gift giving. It stopped being a mindless act and more a conscious decision, which in turn provided me with more joy in the activity. This way, I was giving something from my daily life to be generous toward others, which to me, seems a much truer definition of generosity.” Words of wisdom and I plan on taking them to heart.
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What a sad post. I hope you and your money will be very happy together.
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I don’t think that caustic comment was called for. Sounds to me like the people who are living within their budgets aren’t being “guilted” into giving senselessly are being responsible. They’re sticking to their budgets and doing right by their kids – who do come before siblings, parents or friends.
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