Well, that just makes it even worse. You let your circle of “humble, hardworking” people shell out money for ten showers so you and your fiancee? In this economy???

Talk about taking advantage.

I know that my own annoyance with this article had more to do with the author’s apparent disregard for his loved ones’ own financial circumstances than any greed or sense of entitlement on his part.

One of my goals in becoming financially independent has been to help set my own loved ones free of *their* burdens. I don’t think I’m alone here.

In any case, thanks to the author for clarifying your situation in your follow-up. I hope that you can walk away from this having learned a useful lesson, rather than just hurt feelings.

When my cousin got married and I went to her registry, I wondered if she was opening up a restaurant or something, there were so many kitchen and dining items on there, way more things than I think she would ever use. Some people, when it’s time to set up a registry, go a little nuts. It’s good for them to temper themselves and remember, (at least for most of us) 200 people aren’t going to be buying gifts for you. So if you really want that measuring bowl set, you may not actually get it if it’s one item out of 200 you put on your registry. I would make sure to have items on their that range from $5-30 so that anyone can afford to buy you a gift, but also don’t shy away from putting big ticket items on there, because a group of friends may decide to go in together to get something for you.

But while I can defend the author on that point, I’m then confused as to how you set up a theme for a shower that someone else is throwing for you.

The good advice for any life event where you know people are going to buy you gifts, is to go ahead and set up a registry. If there isn’t that much that you actually need, then I would recommend signing up for things that you want but wouldn’t ordinarily buy for yourself (like high-count sheets – that was my registry splurge, and some friends went in together to buy them for me).

re: babies, we did just throw a second baby shower for a friend, mostly because we wanted to. We decided to do a book shower, so everyone got a kid’s book or two that they love to give her. I thought that was a tasteful and nice alternative. Plus, she did not initiate the shower (and somewhat protested at first), but most of us hadn’t been around to do a shower for her first.

It seems, to me, that there are tasteful and not tasteful ways to celebrate milestone happenings in life.

Now that I have children of my own, I also love going to baby showers to talk. It takes me back to the days when I was pregnant – both the joys and the discomforts. I also enjoy talking to other parents and gleaning wisdom from them about the difficult job of child rearing.

Usually the vibe at a wedding shower is much different, but I think perhaps in Will’s circle’s the atmosphere could have approximated what I have experienced at baby showers. Maybe they sat around and discussed the joys and struggles of marriage. This could also explain his overly positive portrayal of them and feeling blessed by ten of them. He doesn’t strike me from this post or his other one as someone who is overly materialistic. I know others interpreted it differently, but I don’t see him discussing over-the-top items – a hammer and nails? That’s far cry from Lalique crystal.

When I first read 10 showers, I thought, really? But then I realized that we had six baby showers. And no one who attended these went to more than one.

Here’s the breakdown – my work, my husband’s work, family (in another town), close friends, church, and our neighbors.

None of these were elaborate events. The work ones took place in the break room with a few snacks. If Will and his now wife live in a different city from where they grew up, I imagine they could easily get to ten and never have repeat attenders. If they are at all religious, they could have had showers at the church they attend, the two churches they grew up in, etc. It really adds up. I think the main flaw of the post was its vagueness and the fact that he didn’t realize that the number TEN would appall people so much. I wish J.D. or another editor had pressed him to break down the showers and explain that they probably weren’t elaborate catered affairs with ice sculptures.

When her fiancé purchased a house, we threw him a housewarming party. 2 months later, she moved into his house. There was another housewarming party because she now lived there as well.

Then there was the bridal shower.
Then there was the bachellorette party, with gifts and a specific outfit required so we all matched at the bar that night (what??)
A second bridal shower thrown by friends, same list of attendees for the most part.
Gifts given at the rehearsal dinner.
Wedding gift.

7 gift giving parties in 3 month span, 3 of the parties requiring very specific attire to appease the bride, even if you weren’t a bridesmaid.

Never again.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say those working class relatives aren’t very wealthy. Cultural or not, this sort of over the top gift giving is why.

(Honestly not a dig at you. Just observing the sort of spending habits we readers of GRS are learning to avoid.)

Second though I think JD really let you down here letting it get posted as is He should have forseen the reactions and probably rejected it as not matching the focus of the blog. Audition pieces or not, he still has an editorial duty around here.

Now a comment for showers. I have attended several that were fun low key way of helping the bride to set up house. The need to have several showers, seems to get in the way of getting ready to be married.

The best shower that I have attended was one my church through. The gifts were advice for staying married. I took two razors and two tubes of toothpaste.

I didn’t really notice it until a former friend was SOO greedy at her baby shower and so sad about what she didn’t get that she barely focused on what she did get. I got her $200 worth of stuff off her registry. Now we’re not friends I wish I didn’t even do that.

I’m getting married next month, and had zero input on my two showers, and knew next to nothing about what sort of showers they would be when I showed up!

I think if you put your foot down, people will honor your wishes. If you don’t put your foot down, *people will do what they believe is expected of them*. And in most cases, it is expected that you spend $25 to $100 for each shower you attend. At least that’s the going rate here in Philadelphia.

I’m with the folks here who think showers need to go. This whole I’m getting married so I want everything all shiny new and matching is sort of silly to me.

I get what you’re saying here about our culture, but I don’t think Will knew his audience well enough, and that’s why this article was met with such hostility. I also think the line-blurring between needs and wants was a huge no-no for a personal finance site. Part of the fun of being a poor newly married couple is finding creative ways to do things that you don’t have money to do yet, like have Christmas decorations. Our solution to that was a few tiny stockings from Dollar Tree (we got one for the dog too, haha) and we hung them on a bookshelf with thumbtacks. I even sewed our names on them and I still put them up every year. Great Christmas memories, without high-priced decorations. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

That’s part of how you get rich slowly: get creative with both wants and needs, so you can do things like pay off student loans with Pizza Hut salary, and start to build wealth.

I sincerely hope Will continues to write and learns from this experience without letting it get him down too much. I think his writing would be better suited for a site other than GRS.

As far as my preference for articles, I find Honey’s stories refreshing. I loved reading about JD’s struggles. It is harder to relate now because I am not where he is – even though we were in similar situations at the start! I like hearing about people who make mistakes and find a way through. It is nice that some people are financially savvy and make wise decisions from a young age, but those stories are not always compelling tales. They can also sound preachy. Give me someone who is imperfect and always looking for ways to learn and grow financially and as people.

Your friends and family do enough by getting their butts to your wedding and presumably giving you a wedding gift. Do you really need to extort them for more gifts in the name of a “shower”?? Or multiple showers?? What a bitter taste you must have left in so many people’s mouths.

We really need to go back to weddings being simple affairs at which the main focus was the fact that marriage is a profound, lifetime commitment between two people and their families. Weddings have become way too much about gifts and consumerism and the dress and the party and the catering and all things superficial.

I can’t believe people really came to more then one. Maybe two for close family. Maybe.