This is just off the top of my head as someone who used to work in a disease research nonprofit, but I’m sure there’s a lot that I’m not thinking of at the moment.

Good luck!

So, no go on that one. It’s SUPER rare. Most doctors haven’t heard of it.

And while I’m writing, I want to suggest that instead of asking your husband to budget, you instead talk about when you want to be debt-free, or when you want to buy a house, or some other big goal. Once you figure out that time horizon, then do the math backwards, and figure out that in order to reach your goal, you need to be paying $xxx towards your debt each month. Then, set up a recurring payment from your bank account for the debt (if this can’t be done, then open a new, separate bank account for debt repayment and funnel the money in there) and pay that out before paying for cable or groceries. After you set aside debt repayment money, then buy the necessities, and then you and he can spend whatever is leftover, which may not be much. A big advantage is that you can do something visual with this – plot a graph that shows your debt repayment schedule to reach your goal, and mark your progress on it. It will take some time, but as the months and years pass, you will literally be able to see that you’re on your way towards reaching your goal of being debt-free/buying a house/whatever.

Good luck!

It sounds like you’re worried about always saying no, but that isn’t what discussions should be like. It should really be about the trade offs. Especially if you two are doing reasonably well, there’s a lot you can do with the money.

If he needs spending cash, I’d try to give him a “fun” account with a monthly amount you guys agree to. I know for some couples, hobbies were budgeted in, and that was that. It frees you from having to manage that, and he’s free to spend it without worrying. Similarly, I’ve known moms to use the extra grocery money, when there was some, for a treat without having to worry over whether it would break the budget.

It seems you have it together. I thoroughly appreciate that my wife can tell me how much money we have sitting around for the next 2 months, pays all the bills, and she can tell me if we have X amount to get something. She also tells me not this month sometimes, or we can’t do Y if we do that. Which, if most of the time it is a yes, the occasional No isn’t an issue.

I don’t know how you bring the subject up with your husband. For me and my wife that was always the way we were going to do it. There’s just US, no her and me, no other options, till death do US part. She started doing the finances because she likes balancing the checkbook, and I’d rather goof off. And my credit score is amazing because she NEVER misses anything.

It’s also nice when we plan a trip, which for 7 of us costs a bit. She’ll have the savings going months in advance, and likely have half of it paid for, with the rest saved up, and we know we can just enjoy the time together, doing whatever, without fretting over if we’ll have to carry a balance for a month. It is very freeing for me, and I think that’d be what your husband would gain from giving the task to you. Plus you’d obviously have a better state of mind knowing what’s going up.

Just remember, it’s all an agreement between you two about where you want to go. You’re just managing to numbers, but the decisions are always between you two. When you see the numbers will go red if you add in another X amount for this, it’s pretty clear it’s not the right time to do that.

Now, was getting a PhD a good idea for Honey? Maybe, maybe not… I’ll wait until I read more about her decision. But, even if it was a bad financial decision I see no reason to crucify her for it. We all make mistakes. What matters is what we do to correct them, and right now Honey is working on that. Maybe not as quickly as some of you would like, as if overnight someone could transform their entire way of life and their spouse’s way of life into the Debt Snowball Extravaganza, but she’s trying. And she’s done something I never would have done when I was paying off my credit card debt – gone public.

Maybe it’s time to start thinking outside the box, Honey. Conversation and patience have failed; maybe you need to try something a little more…psychological.

Regardless of how serious a faux pas that was…. if you believe that your IQ makes you smarter than 98% of people, then you are a damn fool. Whether a joke or not, your choice to make that comment seriously lowers you in the estimation of readers here.

And for you, it should serve as empirical proof that intelligence isn’t just about IQ.

Eileen, I do have one credit card that I actually use for grocery store, etc., but it’s paid in full every month.

Putting away the CC’s is really the first step in my mind. Honey admits to using them each month as well though it’s unclear if it’s covering any shortages.

But it’s a terrible habit for people in this situation. It’s a completely different mindset if you “need/want” to spend money and the choice is to use cash from savings or go without, rather than using a CC and figuring it out later.

My hub and I have a CC we carry, but it has a zero balance and before either of us uses it, we make sure the other is aware that we will and why. The last time it was used was for a long weekend rental car (most rental companies don’t let you use a debit…or didn’t used to) and even then we talked about it ahead of time.

Self employment taxes are different than regular income taxes. My husband started his own company about 9 months ago, so we’ve been learning a lot about the process. I know some of this will depend on how the company is set up and how he is paid, but if he is considered self employed, he will have to pay regular income taxes like you pay, PLUS whatever an employer would have to pay, like unemployment insurance, the full social security amount as well as state and federal taxes. For my husband, even though he had a pretty good idea going in what percentages they were all going to be, it has been a bit of a shock just how high it all is.

That said, make sure to save enough to pay those bills when they come in, because the penalties of not paying the government what they’re owed are big.

Also, my husband has adult ADD. He has been on medication for it for the past 10 years and it has made a huge difference for him. 10 years ago, there is no way he could have handled the details of running his own company without running it into the ground. Today, he manages it well. So, it can be done and managed. Medical help can make a huge difference, if it is necessary.

and the current situation will look like Nirvana by comparison!

Honey, you married this man because??????

PLEASE keep an innocent life out of this trainwreck.

I’m just dumbfounded. In a previous post of yours, you gave us your student loan amount…which is HUGE. I almost fell out of my chair when I saw your take home salary.

I am a stay at home mom. As a hobby, I have an eBay store. I make approximately the same amount of you per month. As I said before, I am just dumbfounded.

Thus proving that I am not smarter than 98% of the general populace!!

When a person is in a tough situation, like climbing out of debt, it’s very difficult to reflect on one’s own experience since there is no hind sight. While I get that you are laying the ground work for your debt journey, the journey is unwritten and some of those with experience really do want to help you. I would recommend you hold your responses to comments to give yourself a chance to breathe, check in with yourself, and then respond. The tone of the comments has been a little too “reality tv” (meaning it seems too emotionally defensive, so it’s hard to see where you are truly coming from).

Keep an appreciative tone with the readers who take the time to respond, heck, even thank them, even if you don’t agree with them, as long as there is a sense they are thoughtfully trying to help you.

Never mention Mensa again (or phD for that matter), unless there’s a really good reason to do so (like “I cancelled Mensa membership is everybody happy now?!”, just kidding . You want to put that misread comment about being smarter than most people to bed.

Thanks for listening.

First, congrats on your PhD, your marriage, and getting a job after the PhD. Those are all accomplishments to be proud of, so don’t let your debt load take away from those accomplishments. Now, some things to think about.

You’ve thought about how you and your husband spend your money. Now think about how you spend your time. Laura Vanderkam’s book 168 Hours gives one way to think of this; I’m sure there are others. But a useful categorization would be something along the lines of time spent that makes money, time spent that costs money, and neutral time that does neither. You want to maximize the time spent on the first and third category, and minimize the time spent on the second. This should be useful for your husband as well. My experience with people starting businesses is that they spend a lot of time building that business, because they are very interested in what they are doing and expect returns down the line. So I would expect that your husband is spending a lot of time on his law practice. If he isn’t, he may want to think about how he really feels about having his own practice beyond the benefits of not having his working time directed by a boss.

Eventually you need to make more money, in order to pay down your loans before you reach social security age. But I think your university job actually sounds like a pretty good one, and your salary pretty reasonable. It’s a sad fact that humanities PhDs don’t mean that you make lots of money with all that education. Hopefully you knew this going in. But, if your contract allows it, I would consider picking up some adjunct work, either classroom teaching in the evenings or online teaching. This would be something you can add to your CV, and is necessary if you think you might want to go TT at some point. This doesn’t pay a lot either, but it is work in your field that builds your CV. Other freelance writing work is also a good idea. Make sure your read what Donna Freedman has to say on the subject; she has a lot of good ideas and advice. But the above ideas all involve using your time on things you hopefully enjoy (since they are a significant part of getting the PhD) that also bring in some income. As a side benefit, time spent bringing in money isn’t generally spent spending it.

Mensa: I don’t know what the Mensa events involve, but given the vitriol directed at this, I have to assume they involve torturing puppies and drowning kittens. If you are able to do networking for yourself, to get additional writing gigs, then it may be worth it. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.

Let your husband do his own networking. Presumably you chose a career in writing because it’s what you’re good at, and he chose to be a lawyer for the same reason. So you should each be working on your strengths. The days of the wife working for free on her husband’s career are over. You’ll get much better returns applying that time and energy to your own career.

On your marriage, don’t let your debt load become the sole driver of your interactions in your marriage. I’m sure your husband has many good qualities. Not everyone is good with money or interested in the details.

You mentioned that you were both animal lovers. Could you volunteer together at a shelter? This would give you time together doing an activity that’s meaningful and in line with your interests, costs little or nothing, and many shelters desperately need volunteers. I would also suggest walking as an activity that’s beneficial healthwise, costs little to nothing (you don’t need special shoes etc), and if your husband did this with you, would give you time to talk and connect. My husband and I often walk in the evenings after dinner, once it has cooled off, in lieu of watching TV. We get to know our neighborhood, and actually find that we feel more relaxed after walking than after “relaxing” in front of the TV.

Best wishes for your future, and good luck. Start with small steps, keep going, and with persistence you’ll get there. But you didn’t get the PhD or the debt in 6 mos, and so have have to expect that the process of getting out of debt will take time too.

Sorry for the confusion; the interwebs ate one of my comments and I did a bad job re-posting it.

I did the BMF for Honey’s expenses so here is the breakdown for Jake.

Needs: 37%
Includes: Rent, rental insurance, auto expenses (gas, maintenance, insurance), electricity, food, and healthcare

Wants: 19%
Includes: Annual dues, internet, cable, Netflix, Vet/pet expenses, gifts, cleaner, AAA dues, cash, hair, cell, and charity

Debt/Savings: 70%

Total: 126%

Income: Estimated 18% tax rate so I used a monthly amount of $3000.

Okay, your situation was bad enough with your total equating to 105%. Jake is spending WAY outside his means at this point. You want to get his attention? 70% of his income is going to debt repayment!!!!

The first thing you need to do is get Jake to stop using the credit cards for a month. Right now he either really thinks things are fine or he is lying (either to you or himself or both). Go a month without credit cards and really get a feel for how much you are going over each month. Based on my calculations, Jake is in the red by nearly $800 every month!
He is not actually paying down the cards (he can’t be – the math doesn’t support it). Just stop. Period.

The other thing to think about is how much he is paying in interest every month. Just in CC debt, he is paying about $1000 every year. This will go up to about $2000 each year when those 0% rates expire. I didn’t have the interest rates for the student loans and car loan, but let’s just say it probably over $5000 per year.

So recap: Jake is currently earning (on average) 36k net. He is spending 13k on needs, nearly 7k on wants, and a whooping 25k on debt, including around 6-7k on interest. Show him those numbers and ask him if he still thinks things will work themselves out. I think maybe he hasn’t wrapped his head around the situation and the cold hard numbers might be what he needs to see. If nothing else, maybe the cold, hard numbers are what you need to see.