I feel lucky. I have passive income and make additional income wherever I have an Internet Connection. Over a year ago, my Dad asked me to consider moving in with them. The goal was to help them “age in place”. I have a younger sibling who is disabled and not able to participate in their care. By my choice I am an unpaid caregiver. And if things go South I do not expect an Inheritance of any sort. I have been living a minimal lifestyle for many years and enjoy not being encumbered with real estate and a bunch of just plain old stuff. After a couple of rough divorces, I have learned “stuff” is overrated.

Mom showed signs of dementia in the summer of 2009 and was formally diagnosed in September 2011. Dad is 92 and Mom is 89. Since moving in, Dad had a mild stroke that I caught in time. First time Dad was in a hospital. Though now his memory is affected otherwise is very healthy. And just recently Mom fell and is now in a skilled nursing facility. Not sure what is going to happen with her, she has regressed.

I am first in the POA’s and executor. POA’s were written such that, even though they are alive, they are now active and I am using them to carry out their wishes.

Dad can still write his checks, but comes to me for a look see. I can access all accounts online. Fortunately their POA’s and other estate papers are in order. They have a LTC, that is modest in payout and length. They also have a paid up Funeral Plan. They have SSA and Mom’s Teacher’s Retirement as income. Their Estate is not huge but may need to be used to pay for care outside of their condo. After retirement they traveled extensively using their hard earned earnings. Their other assets are subject to paydown prior to Medicaid kicking in to pay for long term care outside of their condo. Unfortunate with the Alzheimer’s it is a possibility as the genes in both parent’s have long life spans.

I am working with an Elder Law Attorney to tidy up some aspects on the Medicaid issues, if it is ever needed.

I feel very fortunate that I am doing a lot of the financial duties now and not later. It is allowing the ability to make sure all is in order, especially in areas of beneficiary’s and transfer of assets upon their passing. I perceive that there will still be a lot of things to be done after their passing, but hope it will be a wee bit easier.

One thing I’ll say to add to this conversation:

Take as much out of the estate management process as possible. Its very difficult for heirs to keep emotion out of the situation when they are divvying up the inheritance – usually there are lots of subconscious expectations, as well as old sibling issues that get in the way.

So, get everything planned out before your loved one passes away – be sure the expectations are clear and BE SURE TO HAVE A NEUTRAL OUTSIDE PARTY BE THE ESTATE EXECUTOR. That means, get a lawyer to do it, don’t let family do it.

Best,

James

I think that it is important for people to make their own final arrangements if they care how they want them carried out. I have seen family members override the wishes of the deceased and it did not have a thing to do with money.

Some years ago I saw a wonderful documentary about home funerals, but I’m of two minds about it. (it’s this one: http://www.pbs.org/pov/afamilyundertaking/ )

On the one hand, yes, how intimate and wonderful that you can wash and honor your dead and give them proper burial in your own plot.

On the other hand, in this individualistic age, and without the help of a tribe around you, washing and burying your loved one’s corpse on your own seems like a horrible method of psychological torture.

The traditions of honoring the dead and preparing it for burial or cremation are wonderful and very healing for the survivors, but they just aren’t being transmitted any longer for a majority of the population. I feel that asking someone to do such a thing unprepared would be like dropping them in the jungle and saying “get yourself some food and shelter– good luck!”

If I croak in a place where nobody is around to help my wife, or if the people who would help are unreliable, I’d sure want some kind of professional on her side, even if the service is not as lovely as a to include a homemade pine box and hand-picked wildflowers. I’d wanna make sure she has sufficient money to throw at the problem in case things get out of hand. It’s not as easy as growing your own vegetables.

I was not previously familiar with this concept – but the essential document locator is basically a summary document that lists where everything is (in the safe deposit box would be birth certificates, SS cards, etc), policy numbers for insurance, where the wills are, where the passwords are written down (hardcopy) for key financial accounts, etc. The main idea is that all this stuff is often only known by the person who set it up, so it’s important to document everything in the hopefully unlikely event that it’s needed.

I’ve appointed a beneficiary for all of my accounts and insurance, but I really need to sit down and put together a “if I get hit by a bus” spreadsheet.

If there’s one thing we can all be sure of, it is that *someone* in our lives is going to die before we do. Ignorance is costly.

The first, from my grandmother, was when I was in my 30s, knee-deep in kids and expenses and a possibly terminally ill husband (he was allergic to the medicine that was keeping him alive — all resolved now). Anyhow, I made a lot of bad choices, but in the end had enough to put something into our retirement.

Twenty years on, my MIL died. Very long sad story, but a lawsuit was involved. My husband received two insurance payments, as they did not have to go through probate, and I insisted that he get something he really wanted with each of them, as the rest of the money went to the lawsuit. This was a good decision.

A year or so later, my mother died, and I spent the inheritance on paying off education loans for our kids, going back to school myself, a roof for the house, and investments.

A lot depends on what stage of life you are in when you get the inheritance. Goals change enormously over the years. I like the approach here, of writing down the goals and matching the resources to them. But inheritances are like any other money — you may easily make mistakes in dealing with them, but that is no excuse for not learning from the experience and moving on.

And anyone who has dealt with a messy probate situation will have added incentive for putting his/her own estate in order!

Will you get Dad’s nursing-home bills?
http://money.msn.com/retirement-plan/will-you-get-dads-nursing-home-bill-weston.aspx

When your parents die broke
http://money.msn.com/family-money/when-your-parents-die-broke-weston.aspx

I appreciate this post. I understand the author’s frustration that though she is doing everything right, she is treading water hard and getting no where. I am in the same situation.

Mom died in the summer of 2011. Her will provided that my sister has a life estate in my mother’s house (with mortgage) so long as she can afford to maintain it. She was also made Trustee of a trust funded by a $100,000 life insurance policy, the proceeds of which are to be used to maintain the house.

If she cannot afford to remain in the house, or she becomes financially able to buy it, it must be sold and the proceeds divided between my brother, her and myself.

She believes that she has inherited the house and it is hers alone. The house is now on the verge of foreclosure (she refuses to get a job), but it’s not her fault, it’s the bank’s. She went through the $100,000 in under four months and, aside from some very unworkman-like house upgrades, there is nothing to show for that money and she cannot/will not account for it.

Yes, I know I should turn this matter over to my boss (an attorney). But, I am fortunate enough to have lived a GRS life and am financially able to live quite nicely without any gain I might make from any inheritance from my mother.

And I hope Jennifer can live like that, too, until her ship comes in.

My advice- make sure that your parents have some sort of plan in place to take care of funeral expenses- or plan on footing the bill. I have seen so many people totally shocked and surprised when they learn that they have to pay for their parent’s funeral. It can be very heartbreaking and stressful for them.

It is easy to screw up planning and the penalties can be severe. I would love GRS to tackle this topic, but my advice in the meantime is to see, and follow the advice, of a competent elder-care attorney and/or innil planner.

Unscrupulous credit card companies will try to collect from grieving relatives but you are under no obligation to pay.

(Also, there’s a typo in title)

My Mom has so much debt it’s unlikely she’ll pay it off in her lifetime. And she has no substantial savings. And (knock on wood) it should be many years before I have to deal this, but what happens to your parent’s debt when they die? And their medical bills?

There’s no way I’m getting any inheritance from my parents, I’m just worried about the financial mess I might be left with.