You’re not being polite, in fact you’re being the exact opposite. It’s rude to offer to pay for lunch then complain about it later. You offered, either suck it up or don’t offer.

Being polite has nothing at all to do with money. Being polite is letting your friend know ahead of time that you’re going “Dutch Treat”. Being polite is showing kindness and manners when dealing with other people, not complaining about the money you’re spending on them when they more than likely had no idea that you weren’t prepared to spend it.

The issue here isn’t that you’re too polite. Far from it. You’re rude. Plain and simple.

What makes a good friendship, however, is a give and take mentality. I love spending some drinks on my closest friends, because I know they will return the favor. I also used to know some people who would never pay back. I think that is the real pitfall to watch out for, and I stopped seeing them.

But in truth, I was just the same as you were once. I was easy meat really and sometimes vultures can smell meat from miles away. I had so many bad experiences I turned, and I mean really turned. After lending money for about the 100th time over my lifetime, and not getting it back, I suddenly felt a hurt that turned me into someone now that I would go as far as to call mean.

But the level you are talking is voluntarily being nice, and I did the same but it ended up on people using my good nature. After a friend whom I literally took in from the streets as they was kicked out (I know why now), I supported her, housed her, gave her rent-free space, which was meant to be for a few weeks, and ended up over a year and then told me if I can lend her $1000, she can get a place and starts a job the following week. Naturally, I was delighted lent the $1000, and I never saw her again after that. There was no job; there was no new place. She is doing the same somewhere else. Kind of changes you.

I had a weird situation recently of friend-friend-over-niceness-spending. Friend C. was bummed out. 3 of us took her out for drinks, offering to buy her one each as we went in. Later, C’s friend Z arrived. Z got some food, etc. When the bill came, the 3 of us paid for C.’s drinks as agreed, but then C turned around and bought Z’s meal! So all I did was help buy Z dinner – who I didn’t even know! I felt put out for a minute but realized a good friend doesn’t care what is done with the gift she gives.

At the same time, I wish I had places like MMM and GRS to visit back in those good old days. I think it would have led me to be more budget-minded … and maybe retired by now.

I’ll add that if you check out MMM a little further, you’ll see he offers all kinds of suggestions on free (or cheaper) ways to enjoy yourself, though, again, this is coming from a settled man. Nature, Settlers of Catan, things like that.

I do the overtipping thing all the time (former waitress), and I used to carry the load for far too many “friends” who were really just freeloading (although I will still happily split bills or trade dinner dates with my true friends).

Still, my biggest “fear-based” money drain comes from not being comfortable negotiating. Overcoming this is definitely a work in progress, but here’s an example from just the other day that encouraged me to keep at it.

I have a ridiculous cable/internet bill because there’s essentially a monopoly where I live. Although there are a couple of companies that offer TV/internet here, only one really provides the internet speed that I need to allow me to work from home, and paying for the internet alone is almost as pricey as paying for the combo.

Last month, the company bumped my price per month to an outrageous $160+. This was an increase of over $30/month from the former bill, which was already gallingly high to me and which I knew I had to address. So I dithered for a bit, trying to psych myself up for a call I didn’t want to make, then I called the cable company to ask for a discount.

Long story short, it was the best twenty minutes I’ve spent in a good long while.

The extremely courteous and helpful woman I spoke to not only dropped my bill back down to a price comfortably below what I’d been paying last year, she also noticed that the company had been erroneously billing me for a service that they themselves had disconnected … almost THREE YEARS ago. [*Note, it was a line item on the bill that was comprehensible when she explained it to me, but which I never would have noticed otherwise, explaining why I'd never caught it before.]

The company normally doesn’t allow bills to be disputed more than 60 days after they’ve come due, but this was clearly their error and they were pretty ashamed. They credited me back ~$325 without any argument at all; my only task was to hang on the phone while they sorted it out.

And, to top it all off, the woman on the other line couldn’t have been friendlier or more apologetic. We had a lovely chat while they cleared up my account.

Had I been too “polite” (“afraid”) to call and negotiate with them, I would have cheated myself out of the hundreds I was already owed and the hundreds I’ll be saving going forward!

I read the blog you linked and I like the $10 game a lot!

In terms of eating out, I know most here at GRS budget for it. My eating out budget is small. Sure, I could cut that completely out and have a time or two in the past.

On a personal note, it was much easier to live on the cheap while in a relationship – I had a partner and companionship. I find that its much harder while single. Most people want to do stuff that cost even a little bit of money and cutting that out = cutting out friends. Who wants to spend time jammed up in my small apartment all the time? I know I don’t, and living super cheaply does mean spending a lot of time at home.

Just my take…

There seems to be way to much eating out going on in these comments for anyone who really wants to get rich slowly. Or maybe these are all exceptions to normal spending.

I prefer this guy’s take. http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/08/01/a-millionaire-is-made-ten-bucks-at-a-time/ I’m working on being more like that. It’s not easy, but it is incredibly rewarding.

I also agree that a little tact goes a long way. I think sometimes people take stuff way too personally (on both sides), when it really is all about the situation, not the person.

There are over 1000 comments on that post that appear to contain more bat-shit crazy rantings, not to mention the other “blogs” this person has written… More proof that the internet is an infinite source of entertainment.

http://www.blogger.com/profile/16330862403978274454

A poorly trained employee a can live with. A belligerent manager is something else entirely.

I will tell my server everything is okay or well(by my own definition), but it will reflect on the tip line. I don’t mess with people that handle my food. Occassionally, I’ll write a note on the receipt expressing my thoughts on the service – bullet points work nicely when pointing out flaws in the service. It’s then up to the server to decide if their behavior will change.

Very rarely do I confront the staff or manager unless it’s something that absolutely needs attention for the benefit of their business. I’ll tell a manager if the service is outstanding so that the server may get their kudos. It’s not right only to point out the negatives.

I’ll go back if the establishment is consistent with good service and food, but play the 3-strikes rule and walk away once I’ve deemed the establishment as ‘not worth it’.

All joking aside, if a server deliberately contaminated someone’s food, he or she can be arrested for assault, and the restaurant shut down while health officials investigate (depending on the severity of the incident).

I think sit-coms have done a lot to fill the public’s head with the “don’t get mad, get even” server image.

I was a server (fast food & sit-down restaurant) for years as a teenager, and was never, ever tempted to tamper with anyone’s food – even with the world’s worst, most abusive customers. The thought never crossed my mind, and I believe that the vast majority of servers are in this boat.

We are actually not friends anymore, mainly because she did lots of things like this. She was the worst kind of cheapskate – very cheap with others but generous with herself. I hate that.

One time she had a “packing party” to help her move. It was terrible. Not only did she have us all come over and pack her house for her, she also managed to get us to bring the boxes and materials AND the food for lunch. After an hour, I realized I’d been bamboozled and left.

Like the time in London I got a 10% ‘service charge’ to my bill for tips. The service was in fact lousy and the food only so-so.

Or the time in Prague, when I also received a ‘service charge’ to my bill (hand-written on a printed bill, like they were afraid I wasn’t going to give anything). It was a 10% charge when the food and service was SO good I would have happily given 25%. But the whole ‘handwritten charges on a printed bill’ turned me off so bad that I paid the 10% and left it at that.

As I get older, I think my critical thinking is improving, and I’m able to catch myself better in such situations. At least in terms of being more straightforward about expressing dissatisfaction for food or service if truly bad.

As far as bad service at a restaurant, I’m actually the opposite of that study, where I might say it’s okay, but then not tip as much.