Most if my friends back home have drifted so far apart, and I seem to hear a lot of financial complaining. Even when I wasn’t in a financially great place, I didn’t complain. Now I feel out of place and I hear a lot of snide remarks like “must be nice” so I’ve kind of closed myself off. I can’t post a photo of a designer bag because I’m showing off when in reality I would’ve been able to post a non designer bag and it was fine.

It’s okay though. I don’t want any harsh feelings, but I do admit it sucks sometimes. My husband and I have worked very hard to reach our career goals and personal goals. I shouldn’t feel guilty. If they can’t accept me at my best or worst when I’m not intruding on their life style then perhaps they really weren’t good friends to begin with.

If you see a distinction in your lifestyle due to some choices you made (or didn’t) and/or luck, as compared to your friends, I guess the easiest thing to do is to feel jealous. But how does that help you one bit? Your friends are not responsible for your position in life. (If they are, then you have a bigger problem!) And why do you call yourself as a “friend”, again?

And if a friend is going out of his/her way to make you acutely aware of the disparity in your lives, aren’t you playing into the very friends’ hand by being jealous? Making them more smug! Why have such friends?

Sometimes, it’s hard to know where other people stand in terms of finances. We don’t usually talk much about money and how much we have available, so it can be hard to tell if we’re doing things appropriately.

In general, it’s about the thought and doing something kind for your friends/family that makes them feel appreciated. It’s not about the money.

http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2010/09/08/childrens-literature-we-hate/

You just have to do it.

In contrast, my in laws like to eat out, and at pretty nice restaurants when they visit (once a month probably) and after some early awkward attempts to pay, we let them treat. They also are much more financially comfortable than we are. Admittedly this is a nice treat for us, and we are always very grateful. But we also don’t expect it and always offer to make, or help make dinner (the option we can afford). It will be interesting to see if their spending habits change when they retire…

My parents also usually treat, maybe because dinner normally includes all three kids and their SO’s. Though we occasionally pay when it’s just the four of us (though even that takes some finagling). In contrast to the in laws, we are all very frugal, and go to less expensive restaurants, order less expensive meals and drinks, and even use coupons Actually we are most likely to cook at home, but that isn’t the question. They also live much further away, so meals are much less frequent.

I really think both sets of parents seem to get some pleasure or satisfaction from treating. And I think as long as we don’t expect them to treat, don’t abuse their generosity (porterhouse and 20yr old scotch?), provide alternatives that we can afford, and are appreciative — it seems okay to me.

Long story short, I have always made more than her due to differing industries and more work experience. She had a very hard time getting a job and when she finally did, it still paid less than mine. When we moved in together I was guilted into paying more of the rent because I made more (I do have the master room, but they are essentially the same size and I never wanted it, she told me I needed to take it to justify paying more). I never thought it was fair and she knew this but I felt guilty and helpless so that’s how it has been since we moved in.

I recently quit my job to follow a career path that I’m actually interested in but I will be making substantially less money than I did before, and than even less than she makes. There is no way I can afford to pay the additional share of the rent, but I’m scared to approach her about leveling our payments. We had agreed if she got a higher paying job we would split equally.

Any one have any suggestions on how I should go about having this conversation?? We’ve had a very rocky friendship lately due to uneven earnings (among other things) so I don’t want to have a huge fight but I simply cannot be covering other people’s financial obligations on top of my own. Please help!

Even among my siblings, it is tricky. I have two siblings living in the same city and we go out for meals on a weekly basis. They are both married with kids, I am single. We take equal turns to pay, which means I end up paying more. One sibling is conscious of this, and will try pay more often, sometimes puts money into my account or invite me around for meals, etc. The other does none of these things. Thus, I invite the reciprocating sibling over for meals more, and sometimes babysit their kids.

I have stopped dating men whose are a lot less financially secure. I don’t want to make them feel bad, or stop doing things I like to do (eat out at fine dining restaurants once in a while, take overseas holidays, buy thoughtful, but sometimes expensive presents). I am frugal in certain parts of my life, but I like to spoil the people around me. I always catch myself offering to pay for things and agreeing to do things for people, and I have to learn that sometimes I end up unhappy because it becomes an expectation. I find that a lot of people mean to reciprocate, – but they never end up doing it.

I have accepted that as a childless person, I will always subsidise those with kids. What does surprise me is that parents never seem to take into account that there is a cost to someone else if you split the bill evenly, kids eat quite a bit (we often go out for shared dishes). There is the expectation to buy more and more expensive presents. One of my siblings asked me to purchase a $60 pair of shoes as a birthday gift for his 3 year old.

I don’t want to take a hardline, and I wish I didn’t have to ‘educate’ people not to take advantage of me. But I guess I have to work through my discomfort, have the tough conversation and realise that I cannot be friends with selfish people.

Before they earned their wealth, we used to discuss light topics. We used to have fun. Now there is no discussion where they can’t take the opportunity to criticize welfare recipients or to mention their latest acquisition. So for three hours every two weeks, instead of enjoying myself, I feel drained.

I wrote an open heart letter to Cindy last year to tell her how uncomfortable this made me, but after tears and apologies, we are back where we were. I don’t begrudge their wealth; I begrudge their constant bragging.

I’m not even sure it’s the wealth of a friend; it seems to be their tact in handling their relationships with others in less fortunate circumstances.

Of course I wanted a brand new one too and fortunately I was gifted one unexpectedly recently. Having the used one really gave me a chance to determine if investing in a new one was worth it (or accepting the gift). Its something I use on a daily basis for multiple uses and in a variety of ways. Its more of an appliance than a “blender”.

There are many people who buy them on impulse, but don’t know WHY they are buying it so they end up on eBay or yard sales – I’m sure you can find a more recent model used.

I wonder where they are now…

Very interesting.

Just like with me and my non-retired friends, their lives are different. Soem go to work and some re retired. Some go to work and some are stay at home moms. But we enjoy each other’s company and working or parenting or traveling to the Greek Islands or dining on the finest cuisine are not the basis for our friendships, so, while we occasionally talk about those things, they don’t get in the way of the relationships.

So it still seems like the issue comes down to lifestyle parity, not financial parity.