If you don’t have those conditions in your home, then no, you shouldn’t have weapons there. But if you don’t have those conditions, you need to take a long look in the mirror and figure out how to fix that. And sometimes, if you really screwed up, or you have a kid with mental illness or a drug problem (often the same thing), you may have to let them spend some time in jail or forcible treatment. If nothing else, it sends a message to the other kids.

I am, for one, suspicious of *tough* love. Too frequently I heard people talk of *tough love* when it was clearly a cope out (like turning your own kid – a good kid! – to jail instead of taking time to actually DO some parenting, even after the sentence). Love is love. It is not just hugging and kissing, it is so much more: preparing for life challenges, making sure beloved interests are taken into account, putting effort into making them happy (not *a got a new gizmo* happy, but *lead a full and fulfilling life* happy). From my experience – I do not do *tough love*. I just LOVE my family, and they know that they have my absolutely unconditional love and support whatever happens. And I know I have theirs.

You and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving, too! And Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever you celebrate.

I checked out the documentary after reading your last piece, and I really enjoyed it!

Quickly (because it’s late): Jiro didn’t push any kid out of the door– he pushed a highly trained chef of ripe adult age whose skills he had honed for many many years so that said chef could open up his own restaurant.

“No home to go back to” was at that point a symbolic gesture, a metaphor that compelled the very grownup son to plow ahead and never turn back (lest he turn to a salt statue perhaps?). (This reminds me too of Cinema Paradiso, where Alfredo says to Toto– “never return”.) Those words to his chef son– that was a rite of passage.

Jiro himself was cruelly abandoned at the age of nine, but he didn’t do that to his sons– he trained them as best as he could so they could have a future.

For me, “no home to go back to” has come to mean something more fundamental– that there is no way to turn back the clock, that everything always changes, that in life the only direction we can move is forward because time does not rewind.

You mention Hayden’s poem “Those Winter Sundays,” which is probably my favorite poem–and one I have taught to my inner-city high school students. My interpretation of the poem appears to be different from your own–I think the speaker is recalling a very difficult childhood filled with “chronic angers” and realizing (from the vantage point of adulthood) that his father did love him–and showed it by doing things (making a fire, polishing his child’s shoes)for his child. This poem is not about the virtues of “tough love,” nor would Hayden’s childhood (or adulthood, for that matter) be anything you would wish on anyone.

I enjoy your writing very much, and I’m truly sorry about the burglary.

They don’t require feeding!

I hope you get to a point where you can have another dog in your life.

I hear what you say, and we’ve considered it a lot, believe me.

My wife grew up around guns in a rural environment. Her father has a veritable arsenal at home. Me, I grew up in a city in a no-gun home and had zero familiarity with them, and I used to be allergic to guns. I’ve been mugged several times and survived because I have no problem handing over my wallet.

Our concern and the reason why we are choosing this path, at this point, is that we don’t want to be in a situation where we need to defend ourselves and we lack the means to do so. It’s not about defending our things, but our lives.

So to us it’s a matter of preparedness–not against theft and things that can be covered by insurance, but rather against violence that can come out of nowhere.

Our experience with the police is that they show up and take a report abut are rarely there when you need them. It’s already happened to us that we had to deal with a crazy violent person and fortunately he wasn’t armed. If he had been, I don’t know what we would have done or how long we would have lasted while the police arrived. We don’t have a “safe room” at home.

Of course we aren’t making this decision lightly– if go down that path it’s not going to be a casual purchase. I always complain that people get more training to operate a car than they get to own a gun– so we will not do this (IF we do) without following up with all the necessary education to be responsible gun owners.

So in the interest of clarity in communication please realize that, if we do, we wouldn’t be getting a weapon as an anti-theft device (things can be replaced, lives can’t), but rather as a life-saving instrument of last resort.

I don’t expect that everyone would agree with this conclusion of course, some years ago I would have reached the opposite one, but at this point, and in my current environment, this seems to us a last resort for self-protection. If they want our car keys however I’ll gladly hand them over. Makes sense?

Can I suggest a German Shepherd? They’re wonderful, loving family dogs. You don’t need to train a Shepherd as a guard dog. Teach him to love you and he (or she) will guard your home and property with his (or her) life. Best deterrent/alarm system/home defense in the world. And a best friend to boot.

Albeit I’m a blonde American, my first language was Japanese. And until age 17, I lived in Tokyo. So, I’m very familiar with old school parental tough love which does seem especially important in father-son relationships.

Whether the principles of toughness are applied in Japan, America or anywhere else – to paraphrase Scott Peck of The Road Less Traveled – life is tough and the sooner we accept this, the journey is easier. However, that does not diminish your right to feelings of violation and anger after a burglary. And I commend you for choosing to move on. It is an inspiring reminder that planet earth is a classroom. I simply need to learn my lessons and love to the best of my ability. And hang tough – like Jiro-san and his son – when the going gets tough.

Please let me know if comment editing problems persist at the following email: contact@getrichslowly.org

Thanks!
-Editorial Elf

I needed someone to tell me to be “tough”, thank you.

On the subject of Jiro’s parenting, as a parent of two young children and two more on the way, I don’t know I want to be as tough but I certainly want to raise my children to have resilience and independence.

Thank you for your post, it has raised my spirits and I’m off to “toughen up”!

At the same time, we have told him from Day One that as an adult, if he wants to live at home to save money and feel secure, he has to either go to college full-time, go to school part-time and work, or work full-time, and we expect to collect a percentage of his income for room and board. He knows flat out: we don’t tolerate bums. He does want to explore a part-time job but is anxious about balancing it with after-school activities (one of which may lead to employment down the road); I’m more tolerant of his not working while he’s full-time in school.

There are some people who easily work and go to school with a heavy load, and others who can’t. I think people are like flowers: there are daisies that will grow at the side of a highway, orchids that require hothouse conditions to bloom properly, and everything in-between. It’s knowing what type your kid is that dictates how heavy your hand should be. But no completely free rides, with the exception of a child who is unable to earn an income due to physical/mental disabilities.

I think it’s sad that so many of our responses to these sorts of events are to (quite literally) begin escalating an arms race.

Besides, it’s impossible to keep a gun in a manner that’s both safe and quickly accessible. A gun safely locked in a safe with the ammo in a separate location is not going to help you when your home is being invaded. An unlocked gun with readily available ammunition is criminal negligence in a home with children in it.

I am not an anti-gun person, but I am anti-home-defense-gun person, as I think they’re foolish purchases that are more likely to do harm than good, and they’re purchases that are normally based in dangerous emotions, like fear.

As an anecdote, I know a person who has owned guns all his life, and has never needed to use it in a defensive situation. One night he accidentally shot a hole in his garage floor, though. Luckily nobody was hurt, but that was only by chance. What if it had been the wall instead of the floor? His wife and children were sleeping in the house.

In fact, I know a lot of long-time gun owners, and none of them have ever needed to use weapons in defense. One person Accidentally shot himself in the leg which resulted in a permanent injury. I don’t know how many people have stories like the first one I told. I don’t think people like to share them, “hey, let me tell you about the one time I did something stupid and nearly killed myself!”

I agree that the shooting range is fun. But the shooting range is not a “home defense” situation.

-Editorial Elf

Trying to get something replaced that was “covered by insurance” sometimes results in a smaller check than is expected, which is a different form of frustration. We filed an insurance claim on a valuable item a number of years ago, and insurance only wanted to pay 50-75% of replacement cost.

I guess I never thought it was ‘enabling’ or ‘exploitative’ because I was always working, was never there indefinitely, always helped out around the house, and well, we all just liked each other a lot and enjoyed the chance to be together!

I hope to have the same kind of relationship with my kids, expect them to work to take care of themselves, but be there to help out when needed.

My cousin–a spoiled only child–is in his late twenties and still lives at home. He doesn’t help his parents with their mortgage or any bills. He works, but his father got him the job. He considers it a laudable achievement that he pays his own phone bill.

I am grateful to my mother and stepfather for forcing me to succeed on my own.

I’m still on the fence when it comes to Jiro’s philosophy. Not everyone can make the right decision when it comes to how to support themselves. People do make mistakes. I followed my mothers direction and it was the worst decision I could have made and it didn’t get me very far. What worked for one generation and one type of personality may not work for their offspring and in a completely different economy.