Ask the Readers: How can you help children appreciate delayed gratification?
Published on - November 23rd, 2012 (by Ellen Cannon) This post is from Ollie Geiger, a personal finance writer who contributes to MoneyRates.com.
I had it pretty good as a kid. While I didn’t get everything I wanted for birthdays or Christmas, my parents always gave it a good shot, and most importantly, they were always there when I opened the boxes.
Still, in the instances I wanted a big-ticket item from my parents, I had to be patient. Coming from a single-income family with modest means, convincing my parents to buy something like a new BMX bike – such as the 1987 Diamondback Viper I wanted more than anything at age 7 – required months of persuasion.
At the time, I fiercely envied my wealthier friends. Many of them seemed to get cool new bikes at the drop of a hat. But I began to view things differently when I had my own kids. It turns out that my experiences in wanting may have given me a gift that I wouldn’t understand until adulthood.
But back to 1987 for a minute.
When, after roughly a year of asking, I did get that Diamondback for Christmas – thanks again, Mom and Dad – the excitement was dizzying. I used that elation to turn several thousand hot laps around my block on Christmas day. I would say that I only stopped to go to the bathroom, but it’s completely possible that I didn’t pause at all until the sun went down. I spent the evening applying stickers to my new rig until bedtime came.
Perhaps because it had taken so long to get it – one year being an eternity to a 7-year-old – I happily rode that bike for many years. Wheelies, skids, dirt jumps, sketchy wooden ramps propped against cinder blocks – the bike saw them all in abundance. It finally met its demise five years later with a snapped downtube, the result of one bunny-hopped curb too many. But it didn’t owe me a thing by then.
Where’s the excitement?
What does this have to do with my kids? For years I have watched my own elementary-age children receive birthday and Christmas presents, waiting for the moment when I see the excitement in their eyes that I felt when I got that long-awaited bike. But it hasn’t happened.
It’s not that they haven’t scored some great gifts. They have received most of the items on their lists without fail. In fact, I suspect the problem may be that they have gotten too many great presents.
Like me, my wife grew up envying friends who got everything they wanted. So when we had our children, she wanted to give them all of the things we saw our rich childhood friends receive. We’ve done our best to get them nearly everything they’ve ever put on a wish list, hoping we’ll witness the elation we would have felt in getting that kind of stuff at their age.
No such luck. Sure, they’ll usually crack a fleeting smile upon opening a present – but then it’s calmly on to the next gift. Often they won’t even ask to open some of the toys they received when the party is over. The pleasure centers in their brains appear to be overloaded by getting all of this stuff, and now, like the longtime addict who needs epic amounts of opiates to feel the slightest high, they’re hardly swayed by routine offerings.
Thankfully, this hasn’t resulted in spoiled attitudes on the kids’ part. They always kindly thank the gift-givers and I think they understand that they have it pretty sweet in the material-goods department. But because they have never felt the sting of prolonged want, it doesn’t seem that they can feel the highs associated with getting a long-awaited gift.
(Note: So no one misunderstands, we’ve not endangered our financial standing by purchasing any of these gifts. My family remains part of the working class, so our presents consist mainly of reasonably priced dolls and scooters – as opposed to ponies and private concerts by teen pop stars.)
So lately I have taken a stand: Let’s not buy the frivolous gifts they won’t remember. Let’s not indulge the requests they make on a whim. Let’s stop giving them the instant gratification I suspect has hurt their capacity to appreciate a delayed reward.
Trouble is, it may be too late. Scientists say that much of the brain’s structure is formed by age 5, which may mean that my kids will forever be unimpressed by new BMX bikes and the like. Still, that won’t stop me from trying to help them achieve at least some of the excitement I got on Christmas morning in 1987.
What is the best way to help children appreciate and understand delayed gratification? What is the proper balance between granting them things they want and making them earn others? And is there any hope for older children and adults who didn’t learn to appreciate as kids the prospect of distant rewards?
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We had a similar problem to tackle. Today my daughter knows her next toy arrives on Christmas or on her birthday. Now she plays with all her toys from past gifts. And she does more creative activities, like drawing, coloring and writing stories.
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Excellent, Ricklee. I love this whole post, as well. Two things leap out to me.
One is that Ollie’s childhood elation with the bicycle was intensely physical (i.e. “a few thousand hot laps around the block”). Our culture has lost a lot of physicality in recent decades — witness the rise in obesity — and I’m convinced we’ve lost a lot of joy along with that. It’s FUN to be physically active rather than sedentary, as this story illustrates. And, the electronic games and gadgets that tend to make us so sedentary can be reeeeeally expensive. My own blog-posts often touch on weaving the low/no-cost joys of walking and bicycling into our lives.
The other thing this post makes me think of is the relationship between delayed gratification (which any mature adult embraces as part of his/her life) and dealing with global warming. That’s not as big a mental leap as it might sound. Our children will need creative problem-solving skills and the ethic of delayed gratification to cope successfully with the climate they are inheriting. The delayed gratification that Ollie is cultivating in his kids, and the creativity that Ricklee is encouraging, are, in my view, exactly what our culture needs. These skills support financial stability, as well. What’s good for individuals and families is often what’s good for the nation and world, too.
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Whilst I totally agree that movement is far more valuable than we realise in modern society, I don’t think it has anything to do with the gratification aspect of the post.
As a kid I was absolutely desperate for a Nintendo 64, which came out in March 1997 in Europe. I had to wait not just until my December birthday, but until the birthday after when the price had dropped by two-thirds… but oh, the joy!
Although I was an obese child not doing a great amount of moving, the “high” of delayed gratification was so strong. I’ve since discovered the joys of getting outside, and am now quite a skinny adult, but I’ll never forget how good that day felt when it finally came.
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I think the best way is to offer them a choice.
You can have your reward for doing a great job now – say $10 now to spend at the shop, or
You can wait for 6 months of consistently doing that task and receive a bike, or something else they would absolutely love.
It teaches delayed gratification and also reward for effort.
I think ultimately delayed gratification is something that is fairly unique to adults. Being able to put of satisfaction for no reason other than to make it bigger when it comes is a uniquely adult decision in my view, but teaching the benefit of reward for effort helps.
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I really like your idea. I was thinking on the same thing.
Even at my age (DINK) I’m doing it myself: delaying the buy of a fountain pen I have put the eyes (it costs 16$). Two weeks ago I decided it was the time to buy it. But only after 16 weeks (1 week per dollar) of waiting for it. Only after not spending money on other food quirks (used to spend 1$ on chips or something else every week). Like that, I get good habits (stop eating junk) and get my delayed reward and get something to keep (fountain pen).
Sorry for the long text
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I think that when it comes to delayed gratification it includes some of the everyday things too. Things like not getting them something everytime you stop at a store or getting them something to drink or snack on everytime you leave the house. It’s harder to be thankful for things that are routine and you just come to expect them.
When it comes to gifts I believe less is more. Getting everything you ask for isn’t going to get you a wow factor. Getting one fabulous gift will. I’ve tested this theory on my now teen and adult children and it works. They’ve grown up to be very thankful for each gift they’re given, no matter how big or small. Contrast this against their cousings who where overly indulged and are grateful for almost nothing.
The delayed gratification has spilled over into their financial lives and they are savers and careful consumers…they’ll wait til they can afford something extraordinary rather than what their pocket can pay for today.
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I have always been told that not spoiling my children will be the best gift I ever give them. They are very used to hearing no…and they have gotten used to it. Afterall, that is how life is…so we might as well prepare them to be disappointed sometimes.
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Used to disappointment? That’s the whole problem!How about teaching them that as a citizen of the richest and fattest nation on earth (no thanks to socialists) they should be joyful in what they already have. Most kids could outfit a small shop with things they don’t even use anymore.
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Holly,
I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes, I will say “no” even if technically, I could say “yes”. I think it is better for their character development if they do not always get whatever they want, whenever they want it.
I love what Cliff Huxtable (The Cosby Show) once told his daughter, Vanessa: “Your mother and I are rich. You have nothing!”
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I agree, I tell my kids all the time “it’s not all about you and the faster you figure that out, the happier you will be.” Luckily they have lived frugal lives (through us) so they seem to get it. They actually don’t envy their friends that get whatever they want because they know that someday those friends are in for a rude awakening!
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I have seen kids get upset when you turn down their request initially but if you explain to them why you are not fulfilling their demand, they are open to listening. Stop treating children like ‘kids’ and give then real reasons and they will listen.
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How old are your kids? Young elementary age or older elementary age?
I would strongly consider taking it out of the Christmas dynamic. That said, depending on their ages, you could devise a system like this for bigger, hoped-for purchases:
1) They save a certain amount, you match it (but only at the end)
2) they save a certain amount, you match for extra effort (ie you don’t match a saved part of their allowance, but you do match for say, money earned shoveling the neighbour’s walk)
3) set it up with a variable match, like a CD ladder. You match at say 10% of a match if they call on it within the first month, going up to 20% at the two month mark, etc.
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I think this is a very good idea for showing the benefit of delayed gratification.
Growing up my parents had this great approach for my pocket money, which in hindsight I realise was very clever and taught me a lot about money and helped me manage my money well as a grown up.
When I was young (eg under 10) I got a weekly allowance. But from age 11 it moved to monthly and by the time I went to University it was paid quarterly.
So I had to learn to budget over a longer and longer period and make choices between:
- gratification now and no money at the end of the month/quarter; or
- spreading my spending over the period.
From 11-17 I also had a clothing allowance – I didn’t get it in cash, but Mum kept track of the cost of the clothes she bought me on a note on the fridge and once I had spent the budget – no more clothes, unless I was willing to spend my own allowance on them.
If I wanted something and had used up my allowance, I had to wait until the next instalment before I could buy it. I also got a job at age 16 to supplement my allowance.
I was bit envious of my best friend who didn’t have a set allowance, because she just asked for money when she wanted it and her parents would oblige (interestingly I don’t think they were as well off as my own parents, but they had migrated to give their children a better life. So I think this generosity gave them pleasure because it showed they had made the right choice in uprooting themselves for the benefit of their children). From her parents she learnt the benefit of hard work and has quite a high paying job now, but she is also a real spendaholic and loves shopping. She has said on a number of occasions that she doesn’t think she manages money well.
So I think you are making the right choice in stopping frivolous gifts and indulging requests on a whim.
But maybe try putting them in charge of their spending and slowly extend the terms so that they learn to make choices between gratification now and benefit later (like the excellent suggestion above of adding to any money they save). That way they learn about the value of money and taking responsibility for their own choices.
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The key here is to remember that kids can’t think as logically as adults. That would frustrate adults for sure, but we’ve been there and eventually, now we are caught up on the importance of delayed gratification. Maybe we need to give kids some time so that they are mature enough to understand the concept. Do it the wrong way and they are bound to end up feeling deprived and resentful about their childhood. But I am in no way endorsing high end toys and gizmos for kids, since I am from a generation and culture that was pretty satisfied with simple gifts. But boy, I do love the happy smile on my little nephew’s face when I send him a gift. It’s priceless.
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Yes, you are absolutely right, even if we can talk to our children to explain many things they are not yet adults and their perception is very tender.
What we tell them or let them undertand will mark their childhood, but we can teach the that the real value of things is not related to their price
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I would have to respectfully disagree that kids “can’t think logically” like adults. It’s true that very young children don’t understand a mortgage, but my kids both know what a “budget” is, and how to shop with a list (and stick to it). As a result, they have never thrown a tantrum in a store for not getting something they wanted.
To reinforce this concept, their elementary school has an annual book fair, and we give them each $20 to spend. They will sit down for a week before the book fair & pore over the catalog of books and figure out how to maximize their $20. Not once have they come back & asked for more money if they didn’t have enough to get everything they wanted, and they think it is cool to come home with change (which they get to keep).
By the way, they are age 7 and 9 years old.
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Of course it isn’t too late to start. And the answer is fairly simple. Cut back on the gift giving.
For a start gifts should only be given on special occasions, birthdays and Christmas come to mind.
And some people abide by the maxim of giving children something they need and something they want. But whatever you do, cut back until there is some appreciation.
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So much of what you wrote echoed with me. We grew up at the same time and our fathers are cut from the same cloth.
Growing up I so wanted to have designer clothing and other “perks” that my classmates got. I was in a particularly rich cohort but my father, a well paid engineer, had grown up very poor and lived by the motto, “I don’t have money for 80$ jeans, if you need winter boots or a visit to the dentist you are covered.” I never protested much, but inwardly I wept.
I have to say, just like the author, I took these lessons and have adopted them in my own life. While I don’t have kids I delay gratification with big purchases all of the time. Even when my bank account enables a purchase I’ve wanted I have a hard time indulging as I think of the next emergency or a bonus mortgage payment that I can make. These lessons come on slowly through constant but kind messaging. My father gave me a great gift by being so frugal
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I’ve heard of many parents here who can’t put presents out under the tree because their children will open them. We always told ours if they did that, we’d give them away to some poor kid down the street.
Also, my kids told me that they are the ONLY ones they know that don’t open up and eat the whole advent calendar in one sitting. They are designed to eat one little candy per day as a countdown, starting Dec. 1. I saw a kid, the other day, just outside the store, gulp down the whole thing like he was starving. I didn’t understand it because you could actually buy better, cheaper chocolate in a 100 gram candy bar. ?? To me, it is a lack of ability of the parents to enforce the delay. To me, things like learning to wait to open presents or advent calendars are just small ways that kids can learn to wait.
Unfortunately, it goes against everything ours kids are told in commercials–that their parents should buy them this toy and today!
Others have given good advice already. There are incentives that you can work with your kids to help them earn the money etc. Our problem in today’s society in the states is that things are relatively cheap in comparison to income. Thus, it is too easy to overbuy for your/our kids.
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I think we do fairly well with our kids.
Son is old enough for an allowance, $5/wk divided up in spend, save, donate, and invest (we don’t go too in detail about invest yet). If he wants something and he wants it NOW, then he can buy it…if he has enough spend money. If not, then he needs to wait at least one day to use his save money (to a young kid, a whole day is practically an eternity). He gets to think about whether he really, really wants this small toy, or save up for something bigger. I think he does fairly well (sometimes he picks now, sometimes he can save his spend money towards a bigger purchase).
Our daughter’s too young for an allowance, we’re still in the “one small toy from an op-shop per shopping day…no you can’t have that toy, look at the one in your other hand we already bought for you!” Just a couple more months though, we’ll be starting her allowance (and upping our son’s).
Oh, another great thing about this beside learning to delay gratification…it gives the kids more control. A meltdown because the parent says no to a toy is worse than when a parent says “you don’t have enough money saved up right now, but if you really want it just keep saving, and then you can buy it.” And they sometimes say yes to stuff you never would ($5 for a $1 toy), it’s less stressful when you remember it’s THEIR money, and if they do make a huge mistake (spending $2 on chocolate egg just to get out of the store and regret it)…well that’s the whole point of an allowance, isn’t it? Let them make mistakes when the stakes are in the single and double digits.
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How old is your son? He may be old enough to understand how savings and interest works (even if the intricacies of earnings-per-share and yield-to-maturity are beyond him).
I taught my 9-year-old how compound interest works starting with a $10 investment (she’s learning decimals), and she immediately spent the next hour designing a kids’ game where you have to choose the bank with the best interest rate.
Kids will surprise you with what they actually DO understand…
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I agree with the delayed gratification thing, but also into letting them make their own choices. If they have some of their own money, though allowance or gifts, this helps. My younger daughter tends to spend her money on lots of little things (ipod games, little toys), while my older one keeps more of her money, either saving for a goal or for a rainy day. When she wanted a gecko we figured out how much it would cost plus the equipment, matched her savings and then she was so thrilled to find used equipment and save money that now she contributes towards the gecko’s food.
I like the idea of giving kids guidance but letting them make their own mistakes, like when my younger one gets upset that she doesn’t have enough money for something she wants. I think eventually she’ll figure it out.
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At a young age, when so much of what the child wants is <$20, I think it's hard for us to teach delayed gratification. I remember Christmases being filled with a lot of smaller, inconsequential gifts. But I remember every single bike I ever got for Christmas. I guess the idea would be to spend your Christmas budget on the "big" gifts that your children REALLY want, rather than using the money to buy a lot of smaller gifts that might last them a few months (or minutes!).
I love the idea of an allowance, and plan to implement one when my son enters kindergarten. I think the important thing is to make sure the allowance is small enough that your child would have to save at least a couple weeks or months for most things they would want to purchase, but large enough that saving won't be out of their perception of "a long time."
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Since I have no children and the family dog does not count (oh who am I kidding, she is spoiled rotten and gets way too many dog toys and outings) I can’t really have an opinion but everyone’s comments seem very well thought out.
I too coveted a cool BMX bike as a youngster. Like this but with a RED plastic gas tank.
http://bmxmuseum.com/bikes/ccm/57348/1#.UK_qhIaFQ3w
But being a girl and raised by proper 1950s attitude parents, girls could not possibly want a cool BMX bike. I would think about that bike day and night.
I am glad you got a lot of use out of your bike which is the part of the article I like the best. You really appreciated your gift.
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Like others, I recommend allowances and light money-making opportunities (usually related to our income streams, like our rentals or businesses). Household chores are not paid for. Giving the kids some pocket money lets you push the decision making for every “I wanna” back to them. They get a healthy respect for dollars when they have a few and learn how we trade them for stuff and experiences.
Like the author, I grew up feeling “poor”, too, even though we were quite comfortable. My dad was secretive about how and why money was spent, so I was embarrassingly clueless about our finances. After college, I went through a period of self-indulgence before I adopted many of my parents’ frugal habits.
We’re fairly transparent with our own kids about the choices we make and why we make them.
We require our kids “to have skin in the game” for any major purchases. We’ll pay for 1/2 an American Girl doll as a Christmas gift, for example, if DD works for the other half. And they have to want big-ticket items for a while and explain to us exactly what they want and why (research! comparison shopping!).
I just had the kids sit with me to watch the newest PBS Frontline episode: “Poor Kids”. It’s about kids living in the Quad Cities area of Illinois/Iowa, all of whom were in families who slipped from the “getting by” middle class to situations of joblessness, homelessness, and hunger. The stories are told from the point of view of the kids. As I explained to the kids, it’s easy to see the kids who have more than they do. Kids who have less don’t talk about it or show it off, so getting my kids to understand that we’re doing pretty well because they’re safe and have what they need can be difficult.
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To me, it just sounds like your kids are very well-behaved, calm, nice kids. Usually the ones that get super-hyper over a present are already naturally super-hyper to begin with (I was one of those kids. I went nuts over every gift). I have friends who have kids who are naturally calm well-behaved kids. Their kids don’t get hyper over anything. They’re polite, and act like little adults, even though they’re between the ages of 7 and 12. They are happy to get gifts, and they thank the gift-giver, but they don’t act like hyper little nuts popping all over a gift.
So you might just have really great kids who react to things the way an adult would, and you’re never going to catch them flipping out over anything.
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They may just not have anything they really want. I rarely did as a kid, and rarely do now as an adult; I just have a generally calm temperament and am fairly “take it or leave it”, hard to disappoint and hard to thrill. So I’d say you’re absolutely right to cut back on the gifts – if your kid doesn’t really care about Doll The Sixteenth or Toy Truck the Twenty-Third, then you shouldn’t buy it for them! Maybe do a family trip together, or give them a ‘gift certificate’ for dinner at a favorite restaurant or a trip to a favorite place.
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It’s important to lead by example. Our kids, who are now adults, have watched us put money for special things into a jar until we had enough. For instance, they watched us put in money from extra teaching, very small stock dividends, money from proctering exams, and such like into pot until we had enough for a new computer a few years ago. It was fun to have it all in hand before shopping, and gave us the freedom to get exactly what we wanted. It was also fun to take our oldest with us and to watch her watch the expression on the clerks’ face when we pulled out over $ 1,000 in cash to pay for it!
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I come from the same era as the writer. I want to give my kids everything, but I know we can’t do it. We are trying to teach that you have to work for it but also financially we can’t. We tell our children when things are tight and they understand(they are teens now). They are willing to hold off until they can afford it or if it something big, we will pay for part of it but they have to earn the rest. Our kids are well mannered and very sweet and are very appreciative of the things we get them. I am sure they are jealous of their friends that have a huge home or have an Iphone but we contribute to their College Plans, purchase stocks for them, and put money in their savings accounts which will get them much further than an Iphone.
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My kid is only 3 so he’s barely getting the gist of money, but we do our best to teach financial smarts by not giving too many gifts. My husband and I grew up where we just received one gift from our parents—no stocking stuffers, no multiple gifts. In turn, we really LOVED what we received.
We don’t buy our son items on a whim, either. We tend to shop according to a list, so if it’s not on the list, we don’t buy it, including any items he may want.
And we try to emphasize the value of non-monetary pleasure like spending time together, relishing in moments, etc. rather than hyping up toys and items.
I also like a previous poster’s suggestion of saying to your kid, “You don’t have money right now for that, but you can save up for it.” I might try that once my kid is older.
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Appreciating delayed gratification is different from elation, which is what you experienced. Elation comes from strongly desiring a specific item. Delaying gratification may increase desire, but perhaps the question then is how much do you want your children to really desire a toy or other item and is that a good thing? I grew up in a neighborhood where my friends received much nicer items than I did. I really, really wanted certain items–but to me, that didn’t lead to good things like appreciating my blessing. Instead, I was very aware of brands and money and felt self-conscious. Now that I can afford items I could not as a child, I struggle to make sure I don’t over compensate my children.
From your post, it feels like you are comparing their joy to each gift with the joy that you felt for the item that you most wanted ever–which perhaps is not the most fair comparison. They will have something that they really really want at some point–be it a cell phone or car or computer or something. It’s OK if it happens at 16 and not 7.
My oldest daughter this year struggled with finding something that she really wanted for Christmas–but I don’t take that as a bad thing. She has all the books and clothes that she needs. She can ask Santa for one toy of her choosing each Christmas. But the reality is that she is not all that materialistic. Perhaps what you have is children that are not materialistic as well. What happens when they go to the toy store to pick out gifts for a friend? Do they see something that they want for themselves and beg for it, or are they focused on bringing joy to their friend? Perhaps they understand their blessings more than you give credit for. It sounds like you are bringing them up in all the right ways.
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It was a revelation to me in the book “The Happiness Project” that happiness actually increases when people have experienced periods of deprivation. We have 5 kids and one income and things are often tight financially, but I have shared with my kids that the little things that might not mean much to other kids (like a night of going out to eat as a family) are a HUGE deal to our family. I see now that this has really helped my kids (and my husband and I) to be more grateful for little thngs that otherwise we might take for granted.
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I think you’ll have better luck if you drop a couple of ordinary presents, and upgrade one to major coolness.
From what I recall as a kid, my parents had a system for Christmas gifts, which helped us to handle the big gift to go gaga over appropriately.
Stockings – Before parents got up, we burned off the nervous energy, and had a great time going through stockings. These were fairly small, big enough for marbles, little plastic toys, the traditional candy coins, and usually a pair of silly socks. Parents got to sleep in, and come down to happy and appreciative kids.
Luck of the draw gifts – They mixed in things we needed, like clothes, with toys. We practiced our polite appreciation on those, and crowed over the fun stuff.
The Big One – This is the gift your child should be amazed by, or is barely daring to hope for, and should never be sure that they will get. It often stands high above the other presents, and is occasionally too large to wrap and must be hidden instead.
If you let your children know a rough price range of gifts that are reasonable to ask for, anything outside of that price range becomes a candidate for the Big One. However, often the big one is a special gift kids never would have thought of, and they may all share.
I still remember the year I got a ballerina doll that really danced, which I was sure was out of the budget. There are many other beloved gifts that I think were big ones, a handmade wooden marble race which made a fantastic racket, a set of sleds, a toy racetrack that launched cars into the air, one of our bikes, a real barbie (not allowed on the regular gift list), several glorious lego sets, which were promptly all blended together into a giant set to build anything.
As adults, we started agreeing on rules to make Christmas more fun.
- Time it. 10 minutes is too little time, an hour of opening presents is too much. If we’re not done after an hour, there are too many gifts, and we need to pick up the pace.
- take turns, and oooh at other people’s gifts (unless one of you has more than 1 extra present).
- Kids get gifts, adults get to do the yankee swap. (One cool gift)
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