I like the idea of financial independence, and if I’d had my way, we would have started our family once we had college fully funded for each child. Plus, a healthy emergency fund, a do-I-want-to-be-a-working-mom-or-not fund, and a minivan fund.
But I didn’t want to be 80 years old at my children’s high school graduations either.
Ironically, as it turns out, we decided to build our family through international adoption, a notoriously expensive way to build a family. The expense, I’m ashamed to say, is one of the main reasons why I resisted adoption for years.
When we reviewed our first packet of information, the fees ranged from $18,000 to a jaw-dropping $60,000. Gulp. Not only did we not have any of the funds above (well, except for an emergency fund with three months of living expenses), we didn’t have any money saved up for our adoption when we formally started the process in May of 2011.
How we are paying for it
First, we cut expenses as much as we could. We
- raised deductibles
- shopped around for insurance
- slashed our vacation budget
- bought second-hand clothes or wore the ones we had
- cut our landline to the bare minimum
- halted all projects on our fixer-upper
All the things that you already know. We didn’t go crazy here.
We sold stuff. I consigned clothes and yard-saled kitchen stuff. My husband sold his tractor he’d painstakingly restored. He made the biggest sacrifice, but he said it was worth it. Unfortunately, it didn’t sell for as much as we’d hoped, but the $4,500 boosted our adoption account.
And lastly, we made more money. He worked as a mechanic for years, so he repaired farm implements in the evenings. I taught a couple of extra classes, reviewed textbooks, and filled in a few days at a doctor’s office while I was on break from school. I also started a significant side job, but we tried not to touch that money unless we got desperate. That money has another purpose, related to our adoption, but more on that another time.
If we couldn’t cash-flow the adoption expenses, we were going to take out a small loan until our adoption tax credit was applied.
What we didn’t do
I follow lots of adoption blogs. Most people hold fundraisers to defray the adoption costs, but not us. We don’t think there is anything wrong with it, but between my husband and me, we had over 20 years of full-time work experience in occupations that paid decent salaries. Many of our friends and family got married early, have several kids, and live on only one income. In our situation, we felt guilty asking anyone else to help fund our adoption.
One creative family hosted several fundraising meals. For a donation, they would make you (and up to seven of your closest friends) a theme meal of your choice. Others held bake sales and yard sales.
There are also grants to apply for, but we didn’t do this, either (but only because I got lazy).
Our progress
As I mentioned at the beginning, I like financial security. The thought of starting the process without having the money for it didn’t feel secure or smart to me.
“The nice thing about international adoption is that the fees aren’t due all at once,” said a friend of mine who had already adopted internationally.
And other friends told me, “Lisa, if you wait until you’re financially secure to have kids, you’ll never have them.”
So I gritted my teeth, and we jumped in with both feet.
Before we started the process, we were given a fee schedule so we knew how much each step would cost. Fortunately for our financial well-being (but unfortunately because we want to meet our kids), this is a slow process. As we complete each step, we get a bill. So far, we have always been able to pay each one.
By the summer of 2012, our savings account held enough money for the last fees, including travel expenses and staying in our children’s native country for six weeks.
Bumps in the road
Unfortunately, our adoption savings account and emergency fund were one and the same.
I was feeling confident that we wouldn’t have any emergencies. After all, we have good health insurance and a dependable car. What could go wrong?
That confidence disappeared when we had to replace our septic system. It drained all but $1,000 from our emergency/adoption fund. I started feeling desperate when we accepted the referral for our children three months later. At first, taking a loan seemed likely. Then, money started pouring in from my community again, even though we had told no one that our fund was low.
Today, while our adoption fund is lower than the pre-septic-emergency level, I know it will be enough to pay our remaining fees. As we wait on final paperwork approval, we are scrambling to save enough money for traveling and living expenses.
The future
We expect to travel in February and return home with our kids in late March. As we wait, I’m researching flight costs, apartment costs, finding clothes, searching for options to help them learn English, and making medical appointments. We’re also making decisions on our jobs. We know we can’t maintain our sanity by keeping our current schedules.
I still like financial security as much as I ever have. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some apprehension about how these changes will impact our family. But it’s less about the money and more about wondering if I will be a good enough parent to these kids who have already suffered loss.
If you’re considering adoption, don’t let the financial piece scare you. There are many options for adoption that are much less expensive than this example. And even though international adoption is expensive, it’s within reach for most families, using fundraising and grant opportunities.
This definitely isn’t about getting rich slowly, because you won’t make money. But you might make a difference. And that’s always a good investment.
GRS is committed to helping our readers save and achieve your financial goals.Savings interest rates may be low, but that’s all the more reason to shop for the best rate.Find the highest savings interest rate from Ally Bank, Capital One 360, Everbank, and more.
This article is about Budgeting, Kids, Real-Life, Savings
Disclaimer: This content is not provided or commissioned by American Express. Opinions expressed here are author's alone, not those of American Express, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by American Express. This site may be compensated through American Express Affiliate Program.
Discover is a paid advertiser of this site. Reasonable efforts are made to maintain accurate information. See the Discover online credit card application for full terms and conditions on offers and rewards.
SEARCH FOR RECENT ARTICLES
Lisa, thanks so much for sharing this personal story. You’re right that the principles could apply to any savings goal, though I find your context to be an interesting read. Also, that’s a clever title!
loading....
It was a great story.
I also read this book
” If You’re Not Rich, Why Not ? ”
by Nicholas Mann.
It was so good.
loading....
Best wishes and congratulations on the adoption! And thank you for sharing your story. A lot of the strategies you name above are good ideas no matter what people are saving for.
I understand your decision to not hold fundraisers, but but on the other hand don’t sell yourself short there either. I would welcome the chance to help make someone’s dreams come true if someone I know held such a fundraiser. You’ve written about how connected and supportive your community is — I think if you let them help they would step up to the plate. Just a thought
loading....
Elizabeth,
We talked extensively about this, but in the end, we just didn’t think it was right for us to do. We reasoned that if our community wanted to help us out, we wanted it to be their choice and not feel guilt about anything. But we definitely don’t fault anyone else for doing it and we would gladly help someone else in their adoption journey.
loading....
I don’t think I could hold a fundraiser either, to be honest
loading....
Good luck with your adoption. We adopted our daughter internationally ten years ago. The waiting was excruciating, but she was so worth the wait! Once the kids are home, things will settle down, both financially and otherwise. My brother and sister-in-law adopted 4-yr-old twins. It didn’t take them long to learn English and forget their native tongue. God bless.
loading....
Yes, international adoption is expensive (both in terms of money and in terms of time). We’re working on adopting a child from Haiti, and we’ve spent more than $10K and one year so far, with no guarantee of a successful end in sight.
But we also adopted two kids from the Pennsylvania Statewide Adoption network. Local kids also need homes, especially older kids. And if you adopt a child from within the foster care system, it’s often free (in fact, for one of these boys, the county is paying *us*). So there’s another reason not to let cost dissuade you from giving a child a home and a family.
loading....
I had no idea adopting cost so much! If kids need homes, why arent’ they just giving them away??!! Adopting local sounds like the way to go, it sounds cheaper and you still get the kid you want, and you help your local world.
loading....
Sadly, I think it’s a function of supply and demand. Not enough qualified adoptive parents – key word is qualified, for obvious reasons. And, the children in foster care tend to be the children who aren’t “in demand” – that is, a (white) healthy infant
I think many people are intimidated at adopting an older child, especially if that child experienced neglect and abuse.
Another factor is that some adoptive parents fear, on some level, that the birth parents will reappear to claim the child. So believe that adopting domestically from the foster care system means that you could end up in a custody battle with the birth parents or others in the birth family, e.g., grandparents.
loading....
From what I understand adopting domestically also carries a significant risk of the birth mother changing her mind. A friend of mine adopted a baby via a domestic semi-open adoption, and even though the birth mom “chose” her before the baby was born, their state made her wait 3 days before signing the paperwork, and even after that, she still had 6 months to change her mind. Most international adoptions do not carry that risk.
loading....
This happened to us, and it was devastating…a roller coaster of emotions that took me some time to recover.
According to my research, this rarely, if ever, occurs with international adoptions and occurs with some frequency in the domestic infant adoption world. And that is one of the reasons why people choose to adopt internationally.
loading....
I think this is a risk for domestic infant adoption moreso than for older kids. In my state, older kids cannot be listed in the adoption photolistings until they are legally free and the birth parents have surrendered their rights. (Some of these are open adoptions, where the kids will talk with or visit their birth parents once or twice a year.)
loading....
I can see both sides of this policy. On the one hand, it IS excruciating for the adoptive parents to lose a child they’ve just bonded with, but it is also excruciating for the birth parents to lose that child as well. And, even though the birth parents have placed the child for adoption, they are still losing the child. And, given the range of conflicting emotions a birth parents goes through, having a short waiting period isn’t right, IMO. Further, in the past (and probably some cases in the present) birth mothers were HEAVILY pressured to relinquish their children. If you want more details, pick up a copy of the Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler(?) It’s a compilation of recollections of women whose children were placed for adoption in the 50s and 60s. Some of their stories are absoulutely mind-blowing, and I got really angry reading about how they were treated.
That’s one of the big issues with adoption – you have, essentially, three differents interests to balance – the child’s, the birth parents’, and the adoptive parents’. And the three interests aren’t necessarily the same.
loading....
And, I think that up until the adoption is finalized the state covers medical costs. I’m basing this on two friends who adopted from foster care and MA covered a lot of the medical bills for their children until the adoption was finalized. This, of course, may vary by state and circumstances.
loading....
Local kids need homes, but mostly older kids. Friends of ours started out trying to adopt locally, but since they didn’t want to disrupt the birth order of their biological children they were limited to children under four years old. In our state, they were told that they were likely to be on a two-year waiting list and that frankly, they weren’t really needed. They’re struggling through an international adoption now.
loading....
I feel bad for our local, older kids here in America who want homes, but everyone here wants an infant. I just don’t understand that mentality. It goes the same for dogs and cats. Everyone wants kittens and puppies from the pound (if they bother going to the pound at all and not some designer breeder).
No thank you. I’d rather (and have) adopt an older cat or dog that isn’t going to go nuts like a kitten or puppy does.
Likewise, if I’m ever in the position to adopt a child, it’s going to be an older child. They’re the ones that really need a home, urgently, and are keenly aware of what it’s like to be unwanted.
I may come off as self-righteous, but it just bugs me that so many older kids get left, because everyone loves babies.
The exception here being Miser Mom. You rock!!!
loading....
BD, I really hope you’re in a position to adopt some day, because you’re so right: Older kids desperately need to be adopted, too.
Thing is, adopting older kids is intimidating. Many times, they have a lot of baggage that’s scary to know how to handle.
Sad story I heard the other day…one kid aged out of the foster care system. He married a girl who also aged out of the foster care system and no one (no one!) came to their wedding.
In my state, there is a huge need to foster families and adoptive families for older kids. And it costs nothing to adopt them out of foster care, so I think the main obstacle is the fear of emotional problems.
loading....
Oh, that is so sad
Another problem with aging out of foster care is that the kids suddenly have NO financial support, and odds are they’ve never had ANYONE show them the ropes or provide guidance on personal finance. I’ve heard of a few pilot programs here and there that attempt to bridge that gap. The last one I heard about gives the kids a stipend with the requirement that they attend personal finance classes. A young woman who was in the program talked about how she learned how to budget and was saving up to further her education – either community college or a trade school, I can’t remember. She said without the program she’d be lost about how to manager her finances.
loading....
BD: I think it is because our culture is obsessed with youth and it troubles me too. It breaks my heart that these kids may know the lengths people go to adopt infants while they have no home bc they are too old/damaged. I recently heard an ad on the radio for a local adoption event and was curious enough to check out the website. There were kids of all ages, some as old as 17 that are looking for a family. Lisa’s reference to the wedding of the foster kids is just another reason they need a family. I imagine that as they become adults they still will desperately want a family to come home to on the holidays, guidance through the first years on their own, etc.
loading....
Julie: Exactly! You know exactly how I feel. It just seems so unfair to the older kids, and I know it must break their heart and wreck their self-esteem too, to see everyone gaga over the infants, while they are ignored.
Lisa: Perhaps one day, but it’s going to be a long stretch. Sadly, I’m extremely poor at this point in time (I don’t even have a pet at this juncture in time, because I can’t afford to care for one). Things don’t look like they’re going to get better for me either. I had a bad spell in 2005, which I thought would be over fast enough, but then the recession happened, and it’s only been prolonged for reasons I won’t say here because they’re political. I’ve been jobless for over 6 years now, and it will be years before I’m in any position to help myself, much less help anyone else.
It’s so frustrating to have the drive to want to help people, but being super-poor and limited in resources stopping that. Maybe one day things will get better though.
And oh man, that story about the wedding is so sad. Although, I can definitely relate on a certain level.
loading....
I understand the sentiment of your post, but adopting older children can be extremely hard on a family. My dad and step mom adopted two children, one age 3 and the other 5. These kids were taken away from the birth mother because of her drug use (meth) and after the adoption it came out that these kids had both been exposed to meth while the mother was pregnant. I’m not saying all the kids in the foster care or adoption system are drug-affected kids. But this adds a whole new layer of issues my dad and step mom have to deal with. The boy, who is now 15, has been in and out of juvenile detention, drug rehab, court, etc. and is now a meth user himself. My parents are actually happy every time he gets arrested because they have no ability to rein him in and they worry how his behavior will affect his sister. The girl, now 13, has frequent seizures (that’s the best way to describe them, but they are not the stereotypical seizure they show in tv medical dramas; her eyes get a very glassy vacant look like she’s “zoning out”) that cause disconnects between her brain and her ability to communicate with people. Both my dad and step mom have worked with kids like this for the majority of their professional lives (my dad is a psychologist who works as a social worker), so theoretically they are better equipped to handle these kinds of issues. But they are both totally frazzled all the time. Both kids have a long list of diagnosed psychological disorders caused both by neglect/separation from birth mother and from exposure to meth. And the hardest part for my parents is that after 10 years of love, stability, psychologists, medication, and more love, these kids have still not developed a parent/child bond. That’s why adopting older kids is intimidating. Because it doesn’t matter how hard you try, and love, sometimes you can’t fix what’s already been done.
loading....
Katelyn: I am sorry for your situation with your step-siblings, but that is your story. My story is that most of the people I know who suffer from drug and alcohol problems come from loving homes. Can we conclude that children from loving homes are more likely to have issues with drugs?
loading....
I don’t know if this comment is going to go into the right place — this is a response to Julie (74) and Katelyn (73). Yes, any kid could become addicted to drugs/go wrong in some way. It *is* statistically more likely that a kid from foster care will have some kind of trouble though, and it’s important for a prospective parent to consider that. Each of the times we adopted, my husband and I went through all sorts of mandatory classes (dealing with ADHD, post-traumatic stress syndrom, recovering from abuse, etc), and I’m very, very glad we did.
Most of those things didn’t apply to my sons (thank goodness). But the ADHD and learning issues certainly does. Both of my current sons have real difficulty in school (one has finally started reading at grade level, 7th grade, but both get extra help in and out of school). And if a parent isn’t willing to be ready to deal with that, to the point of preparing for that possibility, then maybe adopting a kid out of foster care isn’t for you.
Katelyn, earlier this year we brought a 15-year-old into our home that the social worker said had made amazing progress. By the end of the summer, he was so bad (violent) we had to call the police to have him taken away. I was glad there is a 6-month period between move-in and adoption, because he really would have overtaken the family if we’d adopted him. I admire your parents a lot. How sad for everyone involved that the first few years of bad parenting can mean so much anguish despite years of smart, good-hearted people doing their best to change it.
loading....
My favorite sentence: “Making a difference is always a good investment”. I like your post a lot, both your thrift and your sense of mission.
I wanted to let folks know I’m doing a giveaway of a fifty-dollar Amazon gift card. Come on over, if you like.
And Lisa, you didn’t mention (so I will) that international adoption and biracial families can help create a world less divided by the “us against them” mentality. A number of my friends, including at my church, have biracial families. Diversity is beautiful and makes us all richer, in my view.
loading....
Thanks for writing this post. My wife and I are in a similar spot not knowing where the money is coming from but are going forward with the different options you suggested but we are also doing the fundraising. The thing I like about the fundraising is it allows friends and family into the journey with us. Because if it, we have been able to talk to many more people about the process.
Again thanks for sharing. Good luck with the adoption. It’s tough to have to wait for the process.
We are waiting on our immigration approval now.
loading....
Starting a family, however you choose to do so, is rarely a frugal decision. Once you recognize that some of the necessary expenses are a little easier to swallow. But way to go on the strategies to help keep the costs down with the adoption!
loading....
Very true. My boyfriend and I sometimes talk about having children, and we agreed that if we did we wouldn’t spend on money on many things we currently spend money, e.g., eating out, cable TV.
I think the strategies Lisa and her husband came up with work well for ANYONE starting a family, via adoption or not!
loading....
I think its awesome of you and your husband to have thought of this for the well being of the children you are adopting. Being prepared and aware of what everything will cost, and wanting to have enough money to give the children the life they deserve is admirable. How much would the grants have given you if you decided to apply for them? They may be worth it.
loading....
Grants vary, but can be significant. Showhope.org, for instance, says their average grant is $4,000.
loading....
I am so happy for you! I’m sure it will be worth every penny and every sacrifice and then some. Congratulations!!!
loading....
I think it’s great that you planned ahead for this expense! It is mind blowing how much international adoption can cost. As a transracial and international adoptee I have to say I’m glad you did NOT go the fundraiser route! Or, more accurately, the fundraising method of opening up a website and essentially begging (seriously – there are people who do that). I can’t quite put it into words, but such behavior offends me. Some of the fundraising you described – making a meal for someone – isn’t offensive. It’s similar to moonlighting to make extra income, IMO.
And it’s good that you’re researching the transition to your home for the children. You’d think it’d be obvious, but there are some adoptive parents out there who are clueless. If possible, though, see if you can help your children remember their native language – a tall order, for sure – but later on it will mean a lot. At the very least it’s helpful if they can maintain a connection to their birth culture. When I was adopted that was nearly impossible, but with the internet it’s easier to find those cultural resources.
loading....
Great to hear your insight, Jen from Boston.
We’re hoping that our kids will maintain at least some of their language (they are older), but so many adoptive parents have told us how quickly their children lost their native language. We’re going to try, though!
Regarding the clueless part, well, I still feel that way!!! However, our agency has been phenomenal sharing resources with us, painting a realistic view of the challenges we can expect, and how to make our children have a secure identity with their past and future.
loading....
I have a friend who was adopted from Russia when she was about 7. Her adoptive parents tried hard to help her keep her native language, but she flat out refused to go to the classes, and now as a young adult wants nothing to do with her home country.
Just sharing this bit because sometimes kids come with so much baggage, they’d rather not remember any of it, including the language. Her parents tried their best, but also realized that it was more damaging to her to force the language upon her than to just let it go, so they eventually let it go.
loading....
Good to know. We’ll try to be sensitive to their wishes.
loading....
I think, too, like most kids, they don’t want to stick out, and going to Russian/Korean/Chinese/whatever classes does that. When I was a girl I bristled whenever anyone suggested I’d want to go visit Korea, or that I would have a special interest in Korea. (I’m a Korean adoptee, in case you haven’t had your coffee yet
) I think I got angry because it was another reminder that I wasn’t like my family, and I resented being pigeon-holed or told, explicitly or implicitly, how to feel about my adoption, ethnicity, etc.
Now that I’m older – maybe more than I’d like to think about – and my sense of identity is better, I’m fine with talking about Korea. In fact, I’ve been to the country 2 times, and I’m going againg next summer. I also took a Korean language class a few years ago. Sadly, it’s difficult for a working adult to take ongoing Korean classes in Boston, so I haven’t progressed much beyond, “Hi, I’m Jennifer. I’m American. Where’s the bookstore?”
I think the best approach might be to introduce your child to the birth culture early, and keep it up until they reject it, but let them know you’re open to them exploring their roots.
loading....
My co-worker and her husband just left for Ethiopia, for their first court date in the process of adopting a baby there.
They raised some of the money via garage sales, and she is doing custom nursery paintings – large colorful animal paintings with an African theme. Not begging for money, but allowing people to contribute in different ways. And sometimes people love to contribute – a somewhat distant relative-by-marriage offered them her airline miles, and when she found they couldn’t be used for international travel, she straight-up bought their plane tickets. Sometimes people are just waiting for a chance to express their generosity.
loading....
Congratulations! I thought this was a great article but I’d actually love to learn more. I’m interested in adoption (probably domestically) and have no idea about the costs or possible ways to defray them. It would be cool to have a follow up post that gave some of the numbers, and grant possibilities, and I didn’t even know there was an adoption credit – I would be interested in learning more about that. Or maybe people could list some of the adoption blogs in the comments section. This is such an overwhelming and large topic so I’m not quite sure where to start but I’d definitely be interested in learning more. Both about Lisa’s story in particular and about adoption costs in general.
loading....
If you can give me a couple of days, Colleen, I’ll send you an email full of all sorts of adoption info
.
loading....
Mind CC-ing that email to me? I’m interested in adopting as well but the costs are mind boggling, especially for someone with a modest income. I know a few people who have adopted, but they all have much larger incomes.
loading....
I would be happy to do that. Look for it this week.
loading....
Can I get in on that, too, Lisa? Thanks!!
loading....
Certainly!
loading....
Do note that the adoption tax credit is mostly set to expire at the end of this year, has not been renewed by Congress past that, and has, by several estimations, only a 5-10% chance of being renewed by the end of the year. (You’d have to finalize an adoption in 2012 to claim it if it is not renewed.) See http://adoptiontaxcredit.org/ for updates.
I was very interested in this post because my husband and I adopted (newborn, domestic) in September; our son is now 11 weeks old. We are comfortably middle class, but adoption IS insanely expensive. I think our total costs will end up being between $36k and $38k. We can’t finalize until next year b/c of a six-month process in California, so we won’t get the tax credit, which stings. That said, yes, once we had our son . . . there’s nothing like it in the world. I had no idea I could be so in love with a tiny little person.
loading....
Sally – You may already be aware of this, but you can claim the adoption tax credit for a domestic adoption prior to finalization. The catch is that you can only claim expenses you paid the year prior to the current tax year (in your case, expenses paid on or before 12/31/11). Given the cost of adoption and the way costs are spread out, you may have paid enough prior to that date to still claim the full credit.
loading....
Bob–Though the language is confusing, as I understand it, you can’t claim the credit until the adoption is finalized–the year AFTER the expenses in the case of people who adopt in a two-year process. See the example here under “When To Claim the Credit”: http://taxes.about.com/od/deductionscredits/qt/adoptioncredit.htm. The related IRS page has similar wording.
In any case, we were the very rare couple that gets a baby quickly; we had finished with our home study less than two weeks when our son was in our arms, so we had no expenses before July of 2012. Even though it is amazing and wonderful that we got our son so quickly, it bunched our costs together in a breathtaking manner when we expected to wait much longer.
loading....
Sally – that is so fast! Congrats! Just for others reading, we actually had to do it the way that I mentioned commenting – we filed for the tax credit prior to finalization and claimed expenses we incurred in 2010 for the 2011 tax year. This is the difference between domestic (non-special needs) and international adoption in regards to the tax credit. For domestic adoptions, it is not required to have a finalized adoption to claim the tax credit – we were audited and still got the full amount approved, so I’m sure this is correct. It doesn’t do you much good if you didn’t have any (or many) expenses during the prior year, however.
loading....
Me, too please:-) I am so happy for you, and hope to be able to experience the same joy someday. I will be sendings tons of kind, compassionate, and joyful thoughts you and your new family’s way!
loading....
Congratulations! Thanks for sharing this.
loading....
This was a great post about the financial aspect of International adoption. We are in the middle of an Eastern European adoption and the cost is large, but you’re right – it doesn’t all come due at once so it’s manageable. The only fundraiser we’ve done so far is a yard sale which was fairly successful and many people were happy to donate their cast-offs for the cause. Congratulations on being so close to the end and good luck with your little ones!
loading....
Do you have a PayPal address? I would like to help you out if that’s okay.
loading....
This article hit close to home. Today, my daughter (adopted overseas in April; process started in June 2009…) got the okay for her US visa, and she and I will arrive in the US on my birthday, Wednesday. Could not ask for a better present!
Your life will be enriched, no matter what happens to your bank account. And you two sound like people who can roll with it. Congratulations to you – good luck on the journey.
loading....
The link to the IRS seems to be for 2011. What is the tax credit for 2012? We just gained a new grandson 6 mos. ago through adoption. What a wonderful gift
loading....
Helen – you caught me. I couldn’t find the 2012 tax credit info on the IRS website. I think that it’s slightly less than the 2011. Also, I need to check with our CPA, but as far as I know, there won’t be a 2013 tax credit. Anyone else know about this?
loading....
Wow. I would *never* give money for an adoption ‘fundraiser.’ It’s a lifestyle choice, not a charitible need. It’s no different from me asking my friends to give me money for a sportscar I can’t afford and don’t need. Since the waiting list for all kids is years long, we know there’s more demand than need, so you can’t claim it’s a charitible act you’re doing. It’s an ego-driven lifestyle choice. Wow. I have never heard of such a crass request: asking friends to give you money for a lifestyle choice.
loading....
To counter your point, I must point out that there are many lifestyle choices where it is considered quite acceptable to expect cash contributions from your loved ones.
Marriage is a lifestyle choice (one that not everyone can make) and people are expected to give money or gifts. Having children at all is a lifestyle choice and guess what? Gifts. Same with Baptisms, Bar Mitzvahs, going to college, etc. All are lifestyle choices that people regularly make and expect gifts in return.
That being said, I do agree with a bit of your sentiment. I would have a hard time contributing money to help someone pay for international adoption so they can get an infant. That is a choice. It would be far cheaper to adopt a child or teenager domestically, and there aren’t lists of wealthy families clamoring to do it. Those children often need adoptive families much more.
loading....
But you’re willing to give baby shower gifts even though those parents could have adopted older kids instead? That seems a bit hypocritical.
loading....
It is the intentions that are different. Having a party to celebrate the pending birth of a child is different than having a party in order for a financial gain.
Separately, people don’t throw baby showers for themselves, it is typically a friend of the parents-to-be who throws it. Because to throw a baby shower for yourself would seem like you are soliciting gifts.
loading....
I understand your concerns, so please don’t take my comments as an attack on you. I did want to point out a few things, though.
Adoption is a lifestyle choice. But it ain’t pretty.
Maybe some people start the process driven by ego. But quickly, I realized that adoption isn’t about (at least to me and all the other adoptive parents I know) fulfilling my own needs – even though I do want a family.
It would have been much, much easier to do IVF or embryo adoption, because this is the most emotional thing I’ve ever willingly subjected myself to, and frankly, sometimes, I just wanted to give up.
It’s violating in a way. There are strangers who know more about my marriage, intimate life, financial history, work history, etc. than I know about myself.
The waiting list for kids can be years long – if they’re “desirable”. But there are kids every.single.day. who are too old to be adopted, have special needs, languish in orphanages or bounce around the foster care system, who DIE (either physically or emotionally) because they don’t get the nurturing/medical care/love that they deserve.
So if a family is willing to make the sacrifices to give a home to a child who wouldn’t have one – and accept all the disruptions that come with it – I’m willing to donate to their cause. Yet, I understand that not everyone sees things the way I do, and may choose to donate to other worthy causes.
We chose not to ask people to donate to us, because it was our choice.
Anyhoo, whew! Sorry for the soapbox.
loading....
Yeah, I had a tough time with this too. Accepting money for a “want” from the community makes me a little queasy. And holding a fundraiser? Ugh.
loading....
Again, I kind of wonder if you give baby shower gifts.
loading....
No, I don’t. Choosing to have a child is your own lifestyle choice-I shouldn’t be expected to contribute to your choices so you can afford it.
loading....
KT:
You don’t *have* to contribute to a fundraiser, whether it is for a political party, providing a gift for a colleague’s retirement, medical research, etc, or paying off unexpected healthcare costs.
loading....
@Beth – One thing that became brutally apparent to me when I was teaching is that some people who can easily have kids should not have kids. (I’m talking abuse and neglect here.) That, to me, is the ultimate “ego-driven lifestyle choice”.
After reading this discussion, I’m on the fence about adoption fundraisers. I don’t think I would hold one myself, but I also don’t think only rich people should get to adopt. It’s a complicated issue, isn’t it?
loading....
Maybe I am a weirdo but I would be thrilled to give to a friend who was having a fundraiser to raise money for an adoption. I don’t give handouts very often and am very frugal but I would be enthusiastic about the cause if it were for one of my friends who wanted to be a parent.
loading....
I’m 100% with you, Holly! Adoptive parents ought to have the joy of new parenthood celebrated, just as biological parents would, and as a friend, I would want to contribute to their happiness. Yes, I’d be turned off by an entitled attitude, but I would not expect any of my friends to act that way.
loading....
One thing that struck me was the examples Lisa gave — garage sales, bake sales, cooking for someone. These aren’t people knocking on doors asking for cash. Every fundraiser I’ve been involved in has required a lot of work. If people choose to make a cash donation as a gift, then why not? Parents are parents no matter how they grow their family.
If people have a garage sale to pay off their credit card debt, why is it not okay to do the same to raise money for adoption?
loading....
I agree! I would much rather donate for an adoption than buy overpriced cookie dough to build another new playground at the school.
loading....
The fact remains that children who are adopted via local OR international adoption are not customized creations who didn’t exist before they were adopted; they are children who need homes.
loading....
I’m right in the middle of a domestic private adoption right now, and I really salute you for going the international route. It is the longest, most frustrating process I have ever encountered, and that’s with an in-state adoption! It’s also the most amazing, rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
That said, you do have to be prepared for the expense. Even domestically, the final price tag is going to top $10K after the lawyer, the home study, the court fees, etc. And you have to realize that even though you might get something back via tax credits and employer assistance, it might not be on the timetable you thought. Like just when you think you’re done, the court will lose some important bit of paperwork and POW! You’re not almost done, you’re four months out again. Not speaking from personal experience, of course.
Best of luck with your adoption process!
loading....
This is the most positive and least mean-spirited post I’ve seen on this blog for quite some time. Thank you.
loading....
Thank you for the article. My wife and I are about at the point of starting the process, but need to make drastic changes in our financial lives.
loading....
This post was so touching! My aunt and uncle adopted a girl from China 12 years ago. They went through so much, including months delay due to 9/11, but it’s all so worth it! I love my cousin. She’s beautiful, smart, and fits in perfectly with the family. It has made me think about adopting internationally one day as well. There are so many children out there that need a home!
loading....
To all who are in the process, I am happy for you! (I wanted to reply to each of you individually, but I thought it might get annoying to other readers). Anyway, I hope it all goes well for each of you and that there are fewer bumps than normal in this long process.
loading....
Thank you for sharing. We often thought of adopting, but the financial aspect always kept us from pursuing it. We are blessed to have biological children, but we always wanted to adopt. Unfortunately, that probably won’t happen.
loading....
I have a question about the website and I’m unsure of where to post it:
Is the search function gone from the archives section? I have used it a ton in the past to find relevant/related articles or to look up a specific article where I couldn’t remember all of the title.
Thanks!
loading....
I asked about this, too. It is gone for the moment, but I know the editor has asked for it to return. I hope it does, because I used it all the time!
Maybe Ellen or Jen the editorial elf will chime in.
loading....
Hello,
Thanks for your question. Yes, the archive search is currently disabled. The best option at present is the gray box that says “category” on the right rail, about a 1/4 of the screen down (depending on your browser view). This “category” menu can expand and you can search articles by relevant category.
I miss the archive search as well and we hope to have it back on the site in the future.
Jen the Editorial Elf
loading....
Congratulations on your adoption, it will be February before you know it!
The money you need, doesn’t stop after the adoption though. You might want to save for roots travel, medical costs in case of special need and maybe for extra visits to his or her home country or birth parent research.
In our country (Netherlands) we had a financial tax compensation for adoption costs, arranged by our government. Maybe there are similar compensations in your country?
Anyway, what I realized with our own adoption, in the end, when you are at home again, your financial funds may be low, but you’ll be richer than before.
loading....
Congrats on your upcoming adoption. We adopted about a year ago (domestic infant adoption) and struggled with the financial aspects for both practical and philosophical reasons. We felt very uncomfortable with the idea of fundraising, primarily because we felt it perpetuated the myth of adoption as charity (especially with our chosen path) and we wanted to make sure we felt good about our actions in pursuing adoption since one day it would be our child’s story to tell. We ended up borrowing money for the adoption and just made paying it off a priority and cut all non-necessary expenses. It definitely made it easier that the costs were spread out and you paid for each service as it was provided (homestudy, counseling, etc.).
It’s always interesting to me how much cost in adoption is discussed as opposed to other ways of bringing a child into your family. Delivering via C-section in a hospital is easily several thousand dollars, but it is subsidized by insurance (if you’re lucky) so it is a hidden cost. Yet we are still often asked how much adoption costs (or even how much our son cost – seriously).
loading....
Ugh, it’s mind blowing how tactless some people can be
“How much did it cost you to get your child?”
Ugh ugh ugh!
That is another bit of advice I’d offer to adoptive parents – come up with a game plan on how to handle those questions, and how to talk to your child about that stuff if the cluess asks you in front of your child! (It happens.) Because, of course, kids aren’t necessarily going to understand adoption fees as something other than a “price.” And no one wants to feel like they’ve been bought
[Similarly, no one wants to be a charity case, so try to avoid language suggesting that you saved your child.]
But, in general, prepare yourselves for some of the most ridiculous, rudest, noisiest, and dumbest questions from friends, family, colleagues, and even complete strangers.
But, to end on a happier note, my favorite dumb adoption question anecdote was the reply an adoptive mother of a Korean child when asked if her son’s father was Asian: “Yes, but I’ve never met him.”
loading....
This was encouraging to my husband and I as we try to conceive our first child. We’re terrified of the money aspect. But it’s still just one step at a time.
loading....
Congratulations! We also adopted internationally and didn’t fund-raise. We accepted help when it was offered and drained our savings account and saved, saved, saved! Our son was worth every penny. I love that we can tell him that. He had a rough start in life, but it is NOT because he is not valuable. (We found our son on Reece’s Rainbow, a special needs orphans advocation organization)
loading....