“How much did it cost you to get your child?”

Ugh ugh ugh!

That is another bit of advice I’d offer to adoptive parents – come up with a game plan on how to handle those questions, and how to talk to your child about that stuff if the cluess asks you in front of your child! (It happens.) Because, of course, kids aren’t necessarily going to understand adoption fees as something other than a “price.” And no one wants to feel like they’ve been bought [Similarly, no one wants to be a charity case, so try to avoid language suggesting that you saved your child.]

But, in general, prepare yourselves for some of the most ridiculous, rudest, noisiest, and dumbest questions from friends, family, colleagues, and even complete strangers.

But, to end on a happier note, my favorite dumb adoption question anecdote was the reply an adoptive mother of a Korean child when asked if her son’s father was Asian: “Yes, but I’ve never met him.”

Most of those things didn’t apply to my sons (thank goodness). But the ADHD and learning issues certainly does. Both of my current sons have real difficulty in school (one has finally started reading at grade level, 7th grade, but both get extra help in and out of school). And if a parent isn’t willing to be ready to deal with that, to the point of preparing for that possibility, then maybe adopting a kid out of foster care isn’t for you.

Katelyn, earlier this year we brought a 15-year-old into our home that the social worker said had made amazing progress. By the end of the summer, he was so bad (violent) we had to call the police to have him taken away. I was glad there is a 6-month period between move-in and adoption, because he really would have overtaken the family if we’d adopted him. I admire your parents a lot. How sad for everyone involved that the first few years of bad parenting can mean so much anguish despite years of smart, good-hearted people doing their best to change it.

In any case, we were the very rare couple that gets a baby quickly; we had finished with our home study less than two weeks when our son was in our arms, so we had no expenses before July of 2012. Even though it is amazing and wonderful that we got our son so quickly, it bunched our costs together in a breathtaking manner when we expected to wait much longer.

I was very interested in this post because my husband and I adopted (newborn, domestic) in September; our son is now 11 weeks old. We are comfortably middle class, but adoption IS insanely expensive. I think our total costs will end up being between $36k and $38k. We can’t finalize until next year b/c of a six-month process in California, so we won’t get the tax credit, which stings. That said, yes, once we had our son . . . there’s nothing like it in the world. I had no idea I could be so in love with a tiny little person.

It’s always interesting to me how much cost in adoption is discussed as opposed to other ways of bringing a child into your family. Delivering via C-section in a hospital is easily several thousand dollars, but it is subsidized by insurance (if you’re lucky) so it is a hidden cost. Yet we are still often asked how much adoption costs (or even how much our son cost – seriously).

Lisa: Perhaps one day, but it’s going to be a long stretch. Sadly, I’m extremely poor at this point in time (I don’t even have a pet at this juncture in time, because I can’t afford to care for one). Things don’t look like they’re going to get better for me either. I had a bad spell in 2005, which I thought would be over fast enough, but then the recession happened, and it’s only been prolonged for reasons I won’t say here because they’re political. I’ve been jobless for over 6 years now, and it will be years before I’m in any position to help myself, much less help anyone else.

It’s so frustrating to have the drive to want to help people, but being super-poor and limited in resources stopping that. Maybe one day things will get better though.

And oh man, that story about the wedding is so sad. Although, I can definitely relate on a certain level.

Thanks for your question. Yes, the archive search is currently disabled. The best option at present is the gray box that says “category” on the right rail, about a 1/4 of the screen down (depending on your browser view). This “category” menu can expand and you can search articles by relevant category.

I miss the archive search as well and we hope to have it back on the site in the future.

Jen the Editorial Elf

Separately, people don’t throw baby showers for themselves, it is typically a friend of the parents-to-be who throws it. Because to throw a baby shower for yourself would seem like you are soliciting gifts.

Another problem with aging out of foster care is that the kids suddenly have NO financial support, and odds are they’ve never had ANYONE show them the ropes or provide guidance on personal finance. I’ve heard of a few pilot programs here and there that attempt to bridge that gap. The last one I heard about gives the kids a stipend with the requirement that they attend personal finance classes. A young woman who was in the program talked about how she learned how to budget and was saving up to further her education – either community college or a trade school, I can’t remember. She said without the program she’d be lost about how to manager her finances.

Now that I’m older – maybe more than I’d like to think about – and my sense of identity is better, I’m fine with talking about Korea. In fact, I’ve been to the country 2 times, and I’m going againg next summer. I also took a Korean language class a few years ago. Sadly, it’s difficult for a working adult to take ongoing Korean classes in Boston, so I haven’t progressed much beyond, “Hi, I’m Jennifer. I’m American. Where’s the bookstore?”

I think the best approach might be to introduce your child to the birth culture early, and keep it up until they reject it, but let them know you’re open to them exploring their roots.

That’s one of the big issues with adoption – you have, essentially, three differents interests to balance – the child’s, the birth parents’, and the adoptive parents’. And the three interests aren’t necessarily the same.

If people have a garage sale to pay off their credit card debt, why is it not okay to do the same to raise money for adoption?

Maybe Ellen or Jen the editorial elf will chime in.

The money you need, doesn’t stop after the adoption though. You might want to save for roots travel, medical costs in case of special need and maybe for extra visits to his or her home country or birth parent research.

In our country (Netherlands) we had a financial tax compensation for adoption costs, arranged by our government. Maybe there are similar compensations in your country?

Anyway, what I realized with our own adoption, in the end, when you are at home again, your financial funds may be low, but you’ll be richer than before.

Is the search function gone from the archives section? I have used it a ton in the past to find relevant/related articles or to look up a specific article where I couldn’t remember all of the title.

Thanks!

After reading this discussion, I’m on the fence about adoption fundraisers. I don’t think I would hold one myself, but I also don’t think only rich people should get to adopt. It’s a complicated issue, isn’t it?