He should definitely talk to his wife, keeping in mind that she seems to be getting more positives from the arrangement than he is.

I’d take a look at the rent for small apartments in your area. Those numbers will probably be too high, but they’d give you an idea of what they’d be spending if they stayed elsewhere. Look at your current monthly grocery and utility costs and see if you can find records of what you spend last year when they visited. That should give you a decent idea, at the very least, of the extra you shell out of pocket when they visit.

Another option is to ask for contributions as they go along. For example, charge a nominal fee to go towards your utilities, maintenance, and wear and tear, but ask them to do the grocery shopping every other week (take turns); be responsible for preparing certain meals; and to be responsible for some chores (create a chart if you have to).

My dad always said that you can visit the house once or twice, but after that, you’re no longer guests. Your BIL and SIL are no longer guests. They should contribute to the household while they’re there.

Emma Johnson
WealthySingleMommy.com

When my parents stay with us, sometimes for an extended visit, they are helping with childcare, chores, and buying groceries and a meal or two out. Sure, the utilities go up a little bit, and there’s a few extra loads of laundry after they leave, but the benefits for me are more than worth it.

Instead of charging a fixed rent, ask the BIL & family to do these things:

1) Buy two weeks worth of groceries per month (effectively splitting the groceries)
2) Take over one or two of the household bills (water and electric)
3) Let them know that you wil need their help with keeping the house neat and clean, and everyone will take turns helping out (or put together a schedule).

Numbers 1 and 2 will make the guests have some “skin in the game”, and will hopefully encourage conservation (turning off lights, using less water, etc.)

Number 3 is common sense. I will clean up after house guests for a few days, even a week. After that, they need to pitch in. Cook some dinners, do some dishes, tidy up, etc.

I mean, my God, when we (me, husband, toddler twins) stay at my in-laws’ lake house for three days in summer, we cook the meals and keep the place picked up and I run the vacuum and we make sure to wear the kids out during the day so they’re not crazed hoodlums at night. That’s just common decency. It doesn’t matter what these people can afford; it matters that they evidently see no problem with taking and taking and taking, and this guy’s wife seems to have no problem with it.

And I stand by my claim that if these people were real jerks this question would have been worded much differently or the living arrangement would not have gone on for five years.

I understand why the poster is weary of the arrangement. He has every right to be. But that doesn’t make his family awful people.

But how are they able to do their ministry work with these bad habits? Aren’t ministers supposed to be frugal, careful, and clean? Isn’t that a big part of their chosen lifestyle?

The letter-writer could charge a fair amount in rent to the BIL, be paid, profit even, and STILL feel resentful if the burden of their stay is also emotional.

So I think I’d go with something like, “Hey, things are just really crazy for us this year and while we definitely want to see you guys while you are in town, unfortunately, we won’t be able to put you up for any more than 2 weeks. If you want help finding a cheap long term hotel, or with anything else, let us know. We look forward to your visit!”

Opening the door to charging is, in effect, validating their choice and their assumptions that your house is a great place for them to squat, so I’d not do that. If my spouse insisted, I’d charge not just what it cost me in actual extra expenses, but also something to offset the terrible inconvenience. I’d probably charge about $500 (though I am from a very high cost of living area where $500 would be half the rent on the tiniest studio apartment in a very bad neighborhood.) and use some of that to pay for a housekeeper and an occasional night in a hotel for me.

My mom will often say, “Oh, I loooove having friends over for dinner.” But after they come she will privately (to me) complain about how long they stayed and how much they ate. I even watched her at Thanksgiving tell a man (whom she had complained vociferously about staying too long in the past) that he was welcome to stay longer! These are the difficulties of human exchange. We don’t often say what we mean.

I am rather dismayed by individuals actually putting these visitors in the horrible people (“moochers” “dirty”, etc. etc.) category. But, alas, I guess that is the nature of the unforgiving internet.

My mom will often say, “Oh, I loooove having friends over for dinner.” But after they come she will privately (to me) complain about how long they stayed and how much they ate. I even watched her at Thanksgiving tell a man (whom she had complained vociferously about staying to long in the past) that he was welcome to stay longer! These are the difficulties of human exchange. We don’t often say what we mean.

I am rather dismayed by commenters actually putting these visitors in the horrible people (“moochers” “dirty”, etc. etc.) category. But, alas, I guess that is the nature of the unforgiving internet.

Moving out on your own isn’t easy, and having family support is a valuable resource. It’s also obvious from your post that it was a temporary situation while you got started – the situation described is recurring with an employed and married adult, specifically one that is messy!

That’s not how a marriage works, or at least I don’t think that’s how a healthy marriage works. Just because she doesn’t want them to stay at the house doesn’t mean she is in perpetuity not obligated to contribute to the prep and clean up of said guests.