I grew up in a family not given to extravagance with regard to birthdays. Not that we could have been extravagant if we would have wanted to. With five children close together in age, a dad who’d pursued ministry as a career (and not one of those relatively lucrative evangelical TV ministries, either), and a mother at home with us, money was tight.
As an adult in my 20s, birthday parties meant dinners out at a nice restaurant; perhaps a very nice one, but never more than $100 all told.
And then came parenting. We had a pretty good-sized bash at the zoo for my oldest on his first birthday to the tune of $200 or so. But by the time he was 3 years old and I was the mother of more than one very small child with a full-time job, I didn’t have the energy for big birthday parties nor the inclination for something extravagant. I baked cupcakes for everyone. We bought hot dogs from the local hot dog place. This was pretty much the extent of it.
Lately, though, I’ve been observing friends planning huge bashes, usually for their beloved, only children, or hearing about wedding-style fiestas for quinceaneras. From my years living in the Northeast, I’ve been exposed to the enormity of coming-of-age parties for bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs. I know friends spend upwards of $1,000 for their children’s birthday parties. And those rite-of-passage-style parties can be 10 or 20 times that.
I’ve come to believe that, while experiences are the things that make us the most happy (if we’re determined to spend our money on something), parties are rarely the best way to spend resources. Surely, I have thought, the same joy and celebration could be achieved through less profligate means. I’ve never been so happy as during an especially hilarious writers’ group evening (wine: $20 between seven people; cheese and bread and chocolate: $15; babysitting: $40) or a night out with a friend at a play (tickets: $40; snacks afterward: $20) or reading (free!). But there must be some guidelines for when it’s OK to spent the big bucks for a party, right?
Well, maybe. Here are my rules:
1. Party when it’s an important part of your culture.
Quinceaneras and bar/bat mitzvahs are both cultural festivals that celebrate not just the child’s progress from childhood to adulthood but also connect them to the community at large. They are markers of identity and self-assurance. They are meant to give young adults confidence in themselves and show them how their family and community embraces them as they transition from the family of origin to the world at large.
2. Party when you or your child/family member has reached an important milestone.
Not Jewish or a part of a Hispanic community? Perhaps you have managed to make all those goals you set for yourself when turning 40. Maybe your teenager has wowed your family and his high school with grades and community service, and you want to throw a graduation party to remember. Or maybe your partner has sacrificed herself to a service-oriented job for decades, and you want to mark her retirement in a huge way. (Or maybe it’s a boring corporate job, and you honor her for her stick-to-it-iveness. I’ll drink to that!)
There are so many times in our lives when we or our family members have shown an exemplary spirit or accomplishment that make them worthy of celebration. By all means, throw a party! But…
3. Party when you can do so without incurring debt.
I was all for the quinceaneras celebrated on the NPR show I was listening to until I heard, “$6,000 on credit cards.” (The whole party was $15,000.) One of my biggest regrets as an adult is financing my wedding through debt. In retrospect, I would have been happy with a DIY wedding worth one-eighth of that cost, if only I’d had the right perspective. Yes to the party. No to the credit cards.
If you’re celebrating a cultural event or an important milestone, chances are you’ve had plenty of time to think about this. Save what you can and make that your party budget. If your friends and family are celebrating with a spirit of love and generosity, they’ll understand if you can’t throw a $100-per-plate party for 200 at the art museum. (And if they can’t, who wants ‘em?)
4. Party for the celebrant alone.
My husband worked for many years for a leading local caterer and would come home with tales of parties that blew my mind. So often it would seem that the party was not so much for the person being celebrated as for the throwers of the party, and I think this is most often true of some parents. You don’t need to blow anyone’s mind. You just need to have a good time and show someone you love them. Throw a party with a spirit of personal humility. Don’t hire two bands, or the top-of-the-market caterer, or the ballrooms usually reserved for society weddings. You can manage to demonstrate the importance of the event to the celebrant without also showing how you’re the richest, spendiest, most tasteful parent or spouse or sibling ever to grace the streets of your community. Be humble. Make this about the person being celebrated, not about yourself, and you’ll find the spending can be a lot easier to keep under control.
5. Party with people who want to party.
I look at my wedding photos and wish I could do it all over again. Lots of the people there are no longer in my life, and it’s through no fault of theirs. They were colleagues of myself or my husband, or distant family we felt obligated to invite. Better a small party with people whose photos you will still look at fondly in years to come than a big party whose debts you will still be cursing in years to come.
Similarly, I am often bowled over with both gratitude and exhaustion with the way parents in my children’s classes invite every single child to birthday parties. I admire their spirit of generosity but find it hard to attend as many as we are invited to in busy birthday months. Birthday parties for 5-, 6- and 7-year-olds can be terrific, but they take an enormous amount of energy. They can be more fun for parents and children alike if they’re kept cozy.
6. Party for a cause?
This isn’t for everyone, but I think it’s a great (and almost subversive, but still admirable!) idea. One of my friends turned 40 during a period of unemployment. Determined to celebrate anyway, she organized a charitable bash for a local non-profit in honor of her birthday, selling tickets to cover food and drinks and negotiating a donated venue. It was fun, it didn’t strain her non-existent budget, and she also made a big donation that day. Win-win-win!
7. Party low-key.
We’ve all heard of “bride-zillas.” If not, they’re the women who become monsters while planning their weddings. I can see how I could so easily become a mom-zilla for my children’s parties, in a parallel universe in which I kept at the six-figure job. The bigger the budget, the easier to let the party take you over and become a thing of such enormous expectations that it stops being fun. I’m hoping to plan a 40th birthday celebration for my husband this spring, and I’m hoping to make it a potluck, asking friends to bring dishes that remind them of him. I hope it will keep me from becoming an anxious wreck, show him his friends and family care about him, and keep to my budget. Maybe I won’t be able to add the decorations to Pinterest afterwards, but I’ll get over it.
GRS is committed to helping our readers save and achieve your financial goals.Savings interest rates may be low, but that’s all the more reason to shop for the best rate.Find the highest savings interest rate from Ally Bank, Capital One 360, Everbank, and more.
This article is about Budgeting, Kids, Odds and Ends, Planning
Disclaimer: This content is not provided or commissioned by American Express. Opinions expressed here are author's alone, not those of American Express, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by American Express. This site may be compensated through American Express Affiliate Program.
Discover is a paid advertiser of this site. Reasonable efforts are made to maintain accurate information. See the Discover online credit card application for full terms and conditions on offers and rewards.
SEARCH FOR RECENT ARTICLES
For me, the biggest consideration on this list is #3. I’m all for low-key, inexpensive parties but if someone with plenty of money wants to have a big party that they can pay for—well, be my guest. If you can’t afford it, then you shouldn’t be having it.
My husband and I had a wedding, which was something he really wanted and something I could do without. We paid for nearly everything ourselves and in a major city, that’s a pretty penny. But we paid for things we truly enjoyed, incurred absolutely no debt and it didn’t really even make a dent in our savings.
loading....
For the kid parties, I’ve tried to balance giving my kids a special day without making them spoiled demanding brats who think the universe revolves around them. When they were under 10, we only gave parties for the odd birthday years, and never spent more than $100. Of course, this meant the party was at home and I did the bulk of the work. In even years, we had a quiet family-only celebration.
When they got older, we would usually do a day-trip to a destination of their choice, sometimes with a friend or two along. Now that our older son is in college, he gets a nice dinner at a restaurant of his choice and money in his checking account. For his high school graduation party, we had a joint party with three of his classmates whose families have very similar social circles. This saved a ton of money. We’re hoping to do something similar when his younger brother graduates in June.
loading....
I grew up without birthday parties, too – so it’s so weird for me now to have friends throwing big parties for toddlers. Let’s face it, the 1-year-old is never going to remember the black-light bowling party that he cried the way through.
loading....
Perhaps it’s just me, but I’ve never understood the whole “the child won’t remember” rational for not doing something special for a child. I remember very little before age 6–just a few things here and there, but how sad would it be if my parents didn’t take me to any museums or events because I wouldn’t remember. I still look at pictures my mom took at my birthday parties and it’s so cute!
loading....
I don’t think anyone said don’t have experiences — they just said that extravagant parties with activities/times/#of guests out of proportion to the child’s age are…silly.
Or at least that people should make it something that, you know, doesn’t make the kid cry the whole time (of course, birthdays/big parties often come with some little kid crying).
loading....
I totally get not throwing a party that would make your child feel uncomfortable and cry, but that really depends on the child. You should throw a party that works for you and your family. Don’t invite a crowd if your child is shy and won’t like it. Even at an early age, my kids didn’t mind being around a lot of other kids, but I work and they went to a daycare/school at my husband’s work, so perhaps that explains it. Of all of the parties I’ve thrown, I had only one at my house that involved a crying child–a little boy in kindergarten but he often did the same thing at school.
loading....
I agree vehemently — we do a number of things with our kids that they won’t remember, because WE will remember. I will never forget how they looked when they saw their first tiger, or went to the planetarium, or got to pet a ray or whatever. Watching the wonder as your kids discover the world is the best part of parenting, why would you want to give that up just because the kid won’t remember?
loading....
I don’t remember everything my family did with me and my siblings when we were little — but I LOVE seeing the pictures and hearing the stories! It’s a bonding experience all these years later.
I really hate it when people apply the “they won’t remember, so why bother?” logic to people who are suffering from Alzheimer’s or dementia. We do things because it improves people’s quality of life and adds richness, and also because it brings the people around the person closer together as well.
loading....
Rule #3 should have been #1 – PARTY WITHOUT GETTING IN DEBT.
I think home parties with home-made food and drinks are much better (yet cheaper) than if you want to take the gang out.
Parties in “hot” places could cost you a lot of money. And since people usually get drunk and don’t remember much… what’s the point
loading....
This is an interesting and timely post. I grew up relatively modest in Europe, I had kid birthday “parties” until I was about 6 or 7. Usually, this involved 2-3 other kids coming over to my house and we’d play together, have food and cake, nothing extravagant (no clowns, bouncy castles etc…). I remember going to some other kid’s parties that were a bit bigger, one was even “off-site”, i.e. the equivalent of a local fire hall, but never anything outrageous.
Now that my wife and I have a son ourselves (and we’ll stay at just one), we decided that traditional parties just aren’t our thing. We live in a smallish place that won’t lend itself to parties, plus, we don’t really want to have to deal with the parents (that seems to be more of the problem these days…).
Our idea? Every birthday, my son will spend in a different country having experiences. My wife and I both love to travel and I think it’s one of the best gifts you can give. For the first few years, we’ll pick the countries for him, and we realize he probably won’t “get” many things, but once he’s a bit older, 5+, we’ll let him have a word in were we go.
Yes, this is costly, probably more so than “traditional” parties, but this way we all get memories that will last a lifetime and my son will get global exposure.
loading....
Lovely! That makes everyone look forward to his birthday!
loading....
It’s a nice idea, but what if it turns out that that’s not what your kid wants?
loading....
Amy, we are open to pivot later on, this is certainly not set in stone.
My wife and I strongly believe that children are situational learners, if you live a certain lifestyle, there is a very strong chance that your children will embrace this lifestyle, too.
loading....
Great post! I think #3 is the main takeaway here. Some people want big parties and some people don’t care for them. As with anything else, it’s important to stay within our means and spend on celebrations in a way that enriches our lives.
I remember my mom saying once that the size and expense of a wedding has nothing to do with how happy or long the marriage will be. I think sometimes we’re so busy trying to make memories that we forget to focus on the things that really matter.
loading....
I’ve been saying for years that one of the biggest upsides to this lousy economy is the enormous little kid birthday parties seem to be going the way of the dinosaur. Where there used to be a dozen or so every year, now there now might be two or three.
I think weddings can fall into the special cases of bar mitzvahs and quinceaneras. I hated paying for our wedding – our goal was to get through it without embarassing ourselves at work while still honoring our familial (which were really religious) obligations.
The problem with throwing a Church wedding in the northeastern part of the country is that is raises expectations everywhere, but most importantly at work. And while our families and friends would have been fine with a kegger at the VFW, the people from work, on whom our careers depended, would’ve looked askance at it. And there was no way to get out of inviting them without offending them.
Like it or not, once we stated we were having a church wedding it became both a social and business event. We managed to get it done beautifully and completely for right around 8 grand (mid 1990′s).
Unlike Sarah, I wish I had enjoyed the planning more instead of spending every waking moment for months worrying and resenting the costs. My husband actually did the bulk of the planning, mostly because the money, which we definitely didn’t have, stressed me out too much. I wish I had tuned in more to the fact that our wedding was a once in a lifetime expense.
loading....
We just threw our first ‘big birthday party’ for our kids. Before now we’ve always done only family parties with a big cake and a trip to a museum or park and where the birthday kid gets to chose whatever they want for dinner.
Why change? We’re a highly mobile family and this is the first time our boys birthdays have rolled around where they had an established peer group and friends in school, and we’ll be abroad for my work soon so this was their big chance to have an American kid-birthday party. I wanted to give them that experience while I could.
It wasn’t the financial or logistical stress I expected. They’re 5 and 7 and their birthdays are 3 weeks apart, so we did one party for the both of them. We were able to use the community room of a local apartment complex for free, we hired a Mad Scientist to come entertain the kids and I raided the post Halloween sales for decorations. I’d budgeted $500, and we went a bit over because more people came (and needed fed!) than we expected. So, just because we made the splurge doesn’t mean we went overboard with it. We pulled the money out of an account we have for ‘splurges’ and in the end I’m glad I spent and an experience I’m glad we had.
It’s also one we won’t be doing every year — we’ve already told our boys that their birthday next year will not involve a party, and will probably be a family activity again. Although I’m looking for something special that takes advantage of the fact that we’ll be based in the Caribbean, since now that they’re a little older making the birthday kid feel special is worth spending a little money. It’s hitting the sweet spot on a curve of diminishing returns that’s important to me — maximizing the bang for the buck, as it were.
loading....
My older one is 4.5 and so far we’ve avoided the “American” kid birthdays for both her and our 2-year old. We usually invite their friends from our (immigrant) community, together with their parents (our friends) and we don’t go big on decorating, aside from me making a nice themed cake. So it may be a big party numbers-wise but not wild and on the cheap side. The kids don’t do formal activities, they just run around the house and backyard and entertain themselves most of the time.
However this year we’ll have to join the crowd for her 5th birthday. She has been invited to a lot of parties from her preschool friends, they are all done in kids activities places, and usually for a group of 10-20 kids. Peer pressure is quite real, and I would feel uncomfortable not to invite them this time at least. However, I don’t see myself entertaining a group of American preschoolers, expecting games, organized fun and whatever not. And wondering how to entertain the parents at the same time, or if we offer drop off, wondering whether we’ll run into a liability problem if some kid happens to fall (the stories we’ve heard here are just scary). So for me the piece of mind is quite worth the expense of renting a place, even if it ends up $200 or so.
Otherwise this is a good article and I do agree #3 is the main point.
loading....
I disagree that regarding experiences, “parties are rarely the best way to spend resources.”
The parties I’ve thrown (housewarming, birthdays for myself or my husband) are some of my happiest memories. I usually spend a few hundred dollars on food/drinks.
loading....
One thing’s for sure, if not enough money goes into a party, it’ll be memorable. We have several family members who are very committed to green lifestyles and not doing anything to excess. They rarely throw parties, but when they do, boy are they memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. I promise none of the following examples are exaggerations – they are a factual accounting of our niece’s idea of how to host a party ecologically.
Two five year olds fighting over the last remaining carrot stick.
Spills being mopped up by guests’ sweatjackets because no dry towels could be found.
Adults drinking water from a garden hose because all the cups were being used by other guests.
We have learned that when some people throw a party, it’s best to bring your own party supplies.
loading....
This is a sensible list. It’s wise not to eschew cultural or religious norms just to save a buck, because, like you say, these are rituals that tie us to a community.
I personally don’t enjoy my kids’ birthday parties and therefore try to limit them. I don’t feel obligated to invite everyone in the class but don’t necessarily disagree with those who do. We are still early in the school years, and I think it would be a nice way to meet parents in the district.
My brother in law used to have very large gatherings for his kids’ birthdays. I hated them, because they always seem to revolve around the adults and not the kids. I’m not against beer and wine, but the amount consumed at them was weird. The kids just ran around while the parents drank. But these were young kids who won’t remember anyway.
I’m not opposed to spending around $200 for a kids party. It’s hard to really go under that if you provide any type of food and also plan to pay for entertainment. We had someone come and do gymnastics with the 3 yr olds last year. It was an hour of fun for $100 and was worth every penny. They had a blast, and I personally don’t enjoy creating games for my kids. Then, even though we only invited about 10 kids, the food, drink and cake cost $100. We’re lucky because our kids have birthdays the same week, which means (at least for now) we can combine the parties.
Ultimately, I don’t care if someone who can afford it spends a ton on a party. It’s when they are doing it on credit because of some misplaced sense of obligation to give their kids a happy childhood that I think it is a problem.
loading....
Haha, I love the sound of your brother-in-law’s parties. But that probably means it’s good that I don’t have kids yet.
loading....
I think it was more the focus of the party being on drinking and the sheer volume of alcohol consumed. We’re talking third, fourth, and beyond drinks. I just wasn’t comfortable with that at a child’s birthday party.
But I hated the parties largely because their friends were not necessarily the type of people who I would choose to spend time with.
It was a combo effect
loading....
I really like this post, it’s an unusual balance of “here are some actual reasons that a party might be a legitimate and meaningful use of your money” and “here are lines in the sand for keeping sane”. I think #1 is important and often ignored in PF blogs – if something is a major rite of passage in your culture, whether bar mitzvah, wedding, or funeral, it’s really not just about the money, it’s about an occasion that brings your community together.
The expensive kid party thing is interesting to me because I never saw it growing up, I just read about it now, and I never understand why people don’t just…bake a cake? Kids don’t need anything besides a couple classic party games, sugar, and parents to swoop in and bring them home when they crash, right? Why does this happen, are parents just bored out of their skulls without something to plan?
loading....
I can tell you a lot of it is peer pressure. When I was a kid (don’t I sound old and crotchety?
), I remember some birthday parties at the local MacDonalds and also many home parties with pizza and cake.
When I became a parent, I had a party for his first birthday not so much for him as for us. I bought a lot of food at Costco and invited some friends who had kids and it was fun. At the end of the party, one woman asked me where the goody bags were. I had to ask her what they were, I had never heard of them.
At her son’s first birthday party, a week later, I saw one first hand – it was filled with a stuffed animal, a book, and a personalized sippy cup.
Every single birthday party my two kids have been invited to has provided a goody bag. 90% of them are at some place that offers some sort of entertainment – whether it be bouncy house or a kid’s gym or a clown, etc. Each party serves a meal in addition to cake. I think the smallest party has been 10 kids.
Our house is small. We had one round of parties at our place but with the young kids comes the parents meaning if you think you can invite 6 kids, you are getting 18 people in your home.
So this is why we started to have the $300 parties outside of the home.
Trust me, I hate it every year and I count down to the promised times when parents will drop off the kid and not stay so we can have a home party (when does this happen? 10?)
I save up to make sure I don’t go into debt for the parties but to be honest, I am not sure how to stop the cycle.
loading....
A cake, ice cream and some kids is how I think most parties should be, although the occasional skating rink/gymnastics/whatever theme party is a nice change. You don’t need those every year, but every once in a while (if the family can afford it) is fun.
We still have birthday parties for just about everybody, grownups included, in my family. It’s an excuse to get together regularly and to have a little cake. Works for us.
loading....
You’ve obviously not heard of the Northeast Sweet Sixteen extravaganzas. 200 people at $100 a head, plus goodie bags, DJ and light show, the girl’s life in video, pink limos, decorations, strolling entertainers, the works.
loading....
::has a heart attack and expires on the spot::
loading....
To me, the biggest rule that is missing is “Throw a party that works for you!” Too often, we judge the parties that others throw in a negative fashion when it makes us feel inadequate. Which is contrary to the very point of having a party: we’re celebrating the birthday child/person in a manner that is special to THAT person.
To me, thank heavens that there are as many different kinds of birthday parties as there are styles of clothes to wear. I’ve been to some where the children basically had a big playdate, followed by cake. YIPPEE! I have friends with pools who throw pool parties and all have fun.
For me, I LOVE throwing big parties for my children. They are large because I don’t want to exclude anybody. If my daughters want to invite classmates, they invite the whole class. With kids, at least, a kids party can be big but it doesn’t have to be expensive. Cupcakes and $5 pizzas and we’re good! But it looks amazing because we use the month before to make the decorations and the theme, turning a birthday party into a month-long family activity for the whole family. Win-win. We’ve had Princess/Knight parties where we as a family paint and make shields for the kids out of cardboard; a big castle out of fridge boxes; and we play games like hunting for dragon eggs (aka easter eggs). A carnival is a fun, cheap party, using things we have a home. As my kids get older, I’m contemplating a “food fight” party or an art party.
What bothers me is people are so quick to judge and criticize “big parties” while at the same time telling others that they should have a party like the speaker’s family has. Some people like to wear jeans and some prefer dresses? We don’t criticize those choices; why are parties different.
For me, I LOVE big, homemade parties with tons of preplanning because after working on writing and research every day, it gives me a chance to be creative, to stretch out my wings. I don’t throw holiday parties, and too often forget to invite friends over more often. Frankly, having an out-of-the-world birthday bash is cheaper than taking the family out for a nice movie and dinner with the cost of the current movies. On the other hand, other people like a more low-key birthday, and the kids have just as much fun. (My daughter’s favorite birthday activity from another party was bobbing for apples–how fun!)
In my opinion, we would all be so much better off fiscally and emotionally if we stopped looking at others and feeling like it imposed some obligation on us or that we had to “compete” or keep up. We should all do what works best for us and CHEER for others when they find what works for them.
loading....
I totally agree with this. If frugality is about spending money on things that are important to you, then it’s fine to spend more than $5 on a birthday pary for your kid.
My son is 6, and we’ve always had backyard parties. By the way – even with a party at home, cake and ice cream and pizza plus a few balloons (frugally skipping the decorations and goodie bags) still runs us about $200. Big family! This is the first year he’s been asking to have his party somewhere like all of his classmates, and we’ll probably do it. It’s $250-$300 depending on the location.
A big aspect for me is the social one. I like getting to know his classmates and their parents. I don’t think a big party once every 365 days is going to turn him into a spoiled brat who expects the world on a silver platter. My son also has autism, and watching his social skills progress from ignoring other kids, to wanting to go to parties, to having friends is invaluable. Also, parties like this give my child a chance to learn social manners – say thank you for presents received, learning to share, waiting your turn, etc. In a really fun environment with lots of sugar it’s very easy for a child to get out of control – this is an experience that will help him learn (with our guidance) how to control.
loading....
I love coming up with a theme. We also invited the entire class to our home for a Pirate Princess party. It was great and we met so many people that we’re still friends with.
My husband made a “pirate cave” out of trees that were killed by pine beetles. We created a treasure map and went on a treasure hunt through our woods. Of course, there was a treasure box at the end. It was awesome.
I really love coming up with themes. My 5 yo daughter loves the music to the opera Carmen, so I’m thinking about an Opera party in a year or so. There is an opera house near us…so that really gets my mind going. We always have so much fun at the party…but like Jane’s BIL mentioned above, there is also adult beverages for the grown ups too. We do the kid party and then transition into adult party. Everybody’s happy!
loading....
Let me echo the sentiments around Rule #3 — no way should you be throwing extravagant parties if you’re already in debt!
Personally, I’m not a big-party kind of guy to begin with. I’d much rather BBQ on a backyard deck with some burgers, beers, and close friends.
Guests provide the booze, host provides the food. A win/win all around.
loading....
It partly depends upon the child. We are currently planning a wedding for our older daughter, who is a very quiet, low-key person. It will be a quiet, low-key wedding. When her sister, who is the exact opposite, gets married, I am sure that she will invite the entire state. The point is, each girl will have the same budget to work with, and whatever they want over that they will have to manage on their own.
Our older two children were always happy with birthday parties at home with friends and games. The youngest, no. But she brought so much chaos with her on a normal day that we were happy to move the venue to a bowling alley or McDonalds, where she and her friends could blow off the extra energy.
loading....
I believe it was Dr. Spock who said that the number of children at a birthday party should match the age of the child. This is a good rule, because it is coherent with what the child’s development. What bothered me most (and a lot bothered me) about extravagant children’s parties was the amount of presents. Where I live, it was normal to invite the entire class to the party. Our school is in the center of a European city and the children were either very wealthy, or the children of their doormen. It was cruel to see parents who could not afford to keep up either make excuses and keep their children at home or spend money they could ill afford. It was also embarrassing when the children opened the presents during the party, so all could see who gave what. There was so much waste. The children already had so many toys.
loading....
At the vast majority of kiddie birthday parties (both extravagant and backyard type) I’ve attended, the gifts remain unopened. Don’t know if that practice is particular to the northeastern part of the US or if it’s common throughout. The only time our own kids have ever opened gifts at a birthday party is when it’s just family.
loading....
We more or less followed the number-of-kids=age-of-child rule, and it worked well. This meant we were able to give the parents of the guests a break–they didn’t have to stay at the party since the number of kids was never more than my husband and I could handle ourselves. We also stated on the invitation that the guest’s “presence” was the only “present” needed. If a gift was brought, the bearer was thanked and the gift was put away to open after the party.
loading....
This was a good article, with some good party guidelines I will keep in mind. I’m turning 30 this summer and have been thinking do I want a party, or do I want to go ziplining or something just as fun that I will remember and be way less expensive?
Also, we are hoping to pay off the mortgage next year and have been toying with the Mortgage Burning party idea. What do you all think???? Tacky… or like a graduation party for a big accomplishment? We could do a potluck and stress no gifts??
loading....
Girl, a 30 year old paying off a mortgage can do WHATEVER THE HECK SHE WANTS TO!! Good for you!
loading....
Since you asked, Samantha:
Extremely Tacky. Advise Against. It’s great to celebrate turning 30. There are so many reasons not to have a mortgage burning party that I hardly know where to begin:
1. Your finances are private.
2. So are those of your friends and family.
3. You don’t know what financial challenges your F&F face on a daily basis. Don’t flaunt your success.
4. You may be pressured/expected to pick up the tab more often because “You don’t need the money any more./You can afford to.”
5. People may feel it’s okay to hit you up for money who wouldn’t otherwise.
There are lots more, but if these five don’t convince you, then I wish you the best of luck. (Truly, congratulations are in order, but if you really want to be celebrated for your not-insignificant accomplishment, try it anonymously on a forum such as Mr Money Mustache.)
loading....
What Diane said.
Although, I would be on board for this party if you were doing it with like-minded individuals. Some PF groups will have an occasional bonfire, where people in the group can burn their credit card bill, medical bill, mortgage payment, etc.
But beyond that, I think it would look tacky to have a bonfire party and invite friends and family. Why can’t you just take yourselves out for a spectacular dinner or even a weekend away somewhere?
loading....
I’m of two minds about this one. I have a friend who didn’t celebrate her college graduation with her extended family because many of them didn’t get to go to college. If we stopped celebrating milestones and goals just because our friends and family don’t have them, what would be left to celebrate? (I’m certainly glad my friends continue to invite me to wedding, baby showers and kids’ birthday parties even though I’m still single!)
That being said, I can see how a mortgage-burning party might be off-putting for some people. I think it really depends on the relationships people have with their friends and family. Celebrating with like-minded individuals sounds like good advice.
loading....
I’d say it depends. For years I swore we’re have a promissory note burning party as we paid off all those student loans. Then, as we got closer to the big day, I knew it would be inappropriate given the change in our circumstances – we were so much better off than virtually all of our family and many of our friends. A student loan burning party suddenly felt like we were rubbing people’s faces in our good fortune.
loading....
GO FOR IT! Celebrate your accomplishment! Maybe you’ll be an inspiration!
loading....
Not to detract from the conversation, but the radio show you heard was Marketplace Monday, which is by American Public Media, not NPR. That’s actually a pretty significant distinction.
loading....
Thoughtful, well written post.
loading....
Parties are personal, and everyone varies how much they get “out” of parties. Maybe some people would rate our kid’s birthday parties as being on the “much” side. I think if you are going to have a birthday party you should provide cake AND food. We like to either have the party at a place (chuck e cheese, bowling alley) or book some kind of event (magician, a puppet show, a band we know). Though we spend more in the 200-300 range for some of the birthdays, not only did the birthday kid have a blast, they are great memories and also a way to keep in touch with parents who we feel we have grown up with along with our kids. But it doesn’t last long. Our oldest at 10 opted for a sleep over with 3 friends for her last party. But I still have great memories of planning those parties and the various surprises that went with them.
loading....
My kids get invited to a TON of birthday parties and I decline the majority of the invites just due to the expense of taking a present to all of these parties – not even counting all of the time that these parties entail. Plus, each of these lavish parties that they attend sets the expectations that high for my kids. We’re more of the have a couple of friends over for a sleepover and make pizzas crowd. They for sure ask to have more elaborate parties but right now accept something a little more low key. Thankfully. I do try to make it memorable and fun for them without spending a fortune.
loading....
In Hawaii, Baby’s 1st Luau is a big thing. The culture or custom was that in the olden days a lot of infants didn’t survive the first year so it was to be celebrated. A lot of families usually have this as the biggest birthday party until maybe sweet 16. Some can be really extragevent too! Goodies bags, clowns, bouncy house, face painting, dj, custom banners and invitations, decorations but usually a lot of family members can help out with the expense grandparents, aunt , uncle, godparents and contribute that instead of a gift.
I’ve had a big 1st birthday for my son. But not with my daughter. Some years i just took them out to eat dinner with my family very small. For the past years that they are older and can remember more and contribute their ideas i’ve had bigger parties. I honestly missed having the big parties. I live very frugally and it’s nice to me to see my child(ren) have the spotlight for one day out of the year. Both of their parties didnt cost more than $500 including food and with my son i combined with a friend since our son’s birthday’s are a week apart instead of having two parties. All the games were our ideas and little prizes were brought throughout the year.
loading....
I can’t really comment on religious events like bar mitzvahs, or religious weddings, or even children’s parties. My husband & I are atheists, without children. We also have virtually no family. But for our wedding, we got married on our balcony, attended by 4 friends, went out for the evening, etc. The whole thing, including rings, new outfit, etc. cost $500. We have been married nearly 22 years. The amortized cost is looking better every year. And no, it wasn’t fancy. But it satisfied us, & I honestly believe that the wedding is not what’s important – it’s the marriage.
loading....
Throwing a great party is on my bucket list.
loading....
I’m from a family that isn’t big on parties. But when I moved to a different place for my higher education, I realized that people found it weird that I wasn’t keen on attending or hosting parties. And let me tell you, being different in a weird way is not a good way to fit in. And so, here I am, after several experiences and criticisms, agreeing to the fact that occasional partying is a way of life and sometimes, I find them enjoyable too. But I second the opinion that it’s just not worth it to burn a huge hole in your wallet to make a party a success. Simple parties can be elegant and memorable too. Sure, grander occasions call for more expensive parties than the norm, but the term “expensive” is relative and abstract, and it’s up to that particular person to decide what “expensive” is equivalent to for them.
loading....
Love this post as it is one of the well-balanced of considerations. Love love love the “party for a cause.” Call around to local nonprofits and you would be surprised how many will provide a free birthday part in exchange for a donation. Our local food bank throws awesome parties where kids get to help sort and package food. The cooking class will bake the cake and all of the party decorations are donated. The cost? They just ask that each guest bring 10 canned items. At the end, they reveal to the kids how many meals they have provided for others. Best. Parties. Ever!!
loading....
There may be a method to the madness for larger parties. If one’s social circle is fast paced or time crunched (esp with young children) these parties may be the few chances to have a party of any sort.
As for inviting all the kids in a class, some parents are hyper aware of the dangers of appearing to exclude other kids/families. And maybe they would like to get to know the parents of the kids their child hangs out with all day.
loading....
Very good tips for gauging when its appropriate to spend a lot of money on a party. Yes, cultural milestones cost more money because its about the community, but you’re right when you say you basically have the child’s whole life to save up for that day. I don’t think it’s every okay to put a large amount of debt on a credit card for one night that you’ll most likely spend a long time paying off. Cost vs. benefit in that situation.
loading....
I completely agree with all your points. It is especially important to try and remember what the party is all about – being with loved ones, having fun etc. And going into debt for a party seems extreme yet so many people do it, I love the potluck idea you suggest.
loading....
Allow me to put forth a different perspective. I moved to the continental US from an island about 12 years ago.
For a ‘party’ as I’ve seen here, these points are valid and I agree for the most part with all of them.
Where I come from though, parties are not ‘parties’ as defined in the US. I can relate to the Quinceañera – it’s not just a party for a girl becoming a woman, it’s an opportunity to gather friends and family together for a celebration. The socializing that occurs where cousins play with cousins and get to understand who is in their family, what their culture is, and rites of passage are just as important.
‘Parties’ in the US appear to me to be mostly about getting together, eating, possibly drinking and buying presents. Then ‘time to go!’
Parties for me (which I’ve been known to spend hundreds on and some family members thousands) revolve around the people who attend.
With my kids and their birthdays, we used to have two parties. A cake and ice cream party for the classmates then a larger celebration with family and friends. The tone of the two parties were much different even though we were celebrating the same event.
My point is not to say one is right or one is wrong. We understand the different cultures and plan appropriately. By all means, please celebrate (or not
) as you wish.
My point is to ask you to please consider another point of view of a ‘party’. My culture does not just view it as ‘cake, ice cream and presents’, my culture views it as an opportunity to connect with the people, culture and traditions that are important to us. To show my children the importance of family and understanding their roots. To allow my children to learn to and show respect to their elders. To pass on my values by showing them, not just telling.
Flame suit is one, fire away
loading....
My only child (a daughter) is now age 18. Every year for her birthday, we enjoyed dinner out and gifts from immediate family only (very small family). In addition, we celebrated special years as follows:
Age 1: Extended family party at home
Age 6: Eight children for pizza and tokens at a game room
Age 8: Immediate Family for a two night stay at a state park cabin
Age 10: Pizza and Cake for her soccer team at the park shelter after a game
Age 13: Invited 2 friends for a 1 night stay at an indoor water park.
Age 16: Concert tickets for daughter and a friend
Age 18: Limo ride, a stop for pictures, and dinner for daughter and 15 friends – happened that daughter’s birthday fell on Homecoming Weekend, so all were dressed semi-formal for the occassion.
Daughter’s birthday was always celebrated – just not in an extreme (or expensive) way each year. This plan worked for us and provided us with good balance in regard to finances, time in planning/executing and memories.
loading....
What I dislike about these posts is that it takes as a given that the tangible ceremony absolutely must accompany the celebration and then the frugality starts there.
What I would like to see is an honest assessment of whether it’s possible to separate the ceremony from the celebration. If I had a significant other, I’d love for her to wake up on the morning of my birthday, give me a firm handshake, and say, “Let’s continue paying down your student loans.”
loading....