I'd love to hear some feedback from the gentlemen in this forum (ladies too, if you want). I am having a disagreement with my husband. I'm typically patient and I try to be understanding, so I'm looking for agreement with my side or better understanding of his.
My husband has a best friend (we'll call him Idiot) and he's known him for over 20 years. I've known him for about 15 years. Idiot has always been loyal, helpful, polite, friendly, carries in my groceries, babysits our kids, loans us books and equipment and the first to offer up his truck if we move. We have done the same for him and his wife (they have two girls). Hubby and Idiot are both computer geeks and are very, very good. They pass along tips to each other and eventually a large company hired both of them to be their IT dept. They shared an office, breakfast and lunch and company duties.
Two weeks ago, the FBI showed up at the company and arrested Idiot. They questioned Hubby but determined he was absolutely clueless about what Idiot had been up to (and he didn't know). Idiot confessed to the FBI (and later to Hubby) and is currently in jail. Depending on whether charges are State or Federal, he will be in jail for a long time. Idiot is guessing that if it goes federal, he will receive about 20 years. Even if he's not in jail for that long, he will definitely have problems finding a place to live as he won't be allowed around children. He also probably won't be able to find a job working with computers due to the nature of the crime.
After the initial shock for all of us, things are settling down. For me, this is simple. Idiot was our friend, but he isn't a friend any longer. He jeopardized Hubby by doing these crimes partly at their job. There is still some question whether our children have been involved (and I won't go into detail about the questioning we've done with them, I don't like to think of it - especially since our oldest is non-verbal) though it appears as though they were not involved (Idiot stated that they weren't involved and they haven't come up in the investigation). He is a threat to our family unit, he can't come over when he gets out of jail/prison. I don't care to ever see him again. Hubby sees things differently. He said if he doesn't remain friends with him, who will? As it turns out, their whole circle of friends has also decided to support him while he's in jail. Idiot's wife has decided this whole thing must be a mistake and she's siding with him too. Though he has been fired, they did take up money for him and put it in his commissary account. Hubby is putting money in as well.
Hubby asked about how things would be when Idiot is released and I told him Idiot could not come over, period. He looked like I had slapped him and was very upset. I'm hoping he's just upset and things will settle down over time.
But, i don't understand supporting him. There is no question about guilt, he's admitting to it and plans to plead guilty. I don't think he's receiving any psychological help. I can understand his wife being blinded, but I can't understand the mentality of a group of guys who typically have good sense. Obviously, nobody is talking about it either, so I can't ask this question at church or anywhere else I socialize. For the guys, would you support your best friend in a similar situation? And if so, why? (Seriously asked.)
I am a guy and Im also in law enforcement. Just from what little you have said... I already have a really good clue. If "idiot" admitted it... all bets are off. That right there is a friendship killer. Since ya'll have kids... that's even more. As a guy my first responsiblilty is to protect my family. ANYONE that jeopardizes my family will have me as an enemy and that's not something most folks want.
For me... having friends revolves around trust. Those that I call friends I can trust... I can trust them with my life, a key to my house, or my little nieces. If I cant trust you then I dont need you as a friend. From the sounds of it... you're a whole lot like me and he has abused and lost your trust.
As for your hubby saying... well if Im not his friend then who will be. They way I look at it... the idiot chose his path now he has to live with the consequences of taking that path.
Please pass this on to your hubby... I can understand you wanting to stand by a long time friend. Problem is... if your friend admitted to doing this and you still stand by him then that puts you under the gun as well. Maybe not from law enforcement, but from everyone else. I can guarantee you that folks will see it as you condoning his actions. Please distance yourself from this mess... it will only cause you and your family grief if you continue to support this guy considering what he's done. I know it's hard to walk away, but sometimes it's best. Your friend put you in this situation and he obviously didn't care about your friendship or he wouldn't have done what he did. The only person he was thinking about was himself. Now you have to think about your family. Do right by them and step away from this toxic friendship.