And to the person who made a comment about a buyer vs. a donor, I take your point. In a sense we should be giving just to support the cause and not expect anything. But part of my motivation here is that I have considered trying to get more involved, possibly even to seek a board seat to help steer the direction of the charity. So maybe I take what I see as stumbles more seriously than I should. I don't want to move on to a competing charity, I want to help this one do the right thing so they can collect more money to expand their services. Does that make any sense?
I would say that definitely changes the situation. You are much more invested than the normal donor would be, so that understandably changes your perspective.
As to the issue of sexism in terms of address, I'm reminded of something mostly unrelated I read the other day about avoiding litigation in business (http://philip.greenspun.com/politics/li ... philosophy
"I guess my bottom-line proposal is near-infinite patience. Assume that the person or company with whom you're dealing has honor and integrity. Bend over backwards to hold that assumption, interpreting every ambiguous fact in their factor. For example, to adhere to my system I must assume that the slow A/C contractors were not out working on other folks' houses but were in fact waiting for parts that are in fact difficult to get. If you can possibly think of the other party as honest, then fulfill your side of the bargain as if they were 100% honest. A lot of the time you'll be wrong. The other party was in fact taking advantage of you and you're out a few $thousand. But your psychology will be healthier and your world will be a more satisfying place to live. You do not have to feel like a powerless victim. You used good manners and gave someone else the benefit of the doubt."
In this situation, that would mean assuming they just didn't have the time to figure out how to address people, or were working on bad information of what was considered correct in modern society.
I can't claim to always give the benefit of the doubt myself, but I do agree with the author that it usually works out for the best if you do. It certainly keeps you less stressed.
Either way, I hope that quote gives you something to think about. It certainly made me think.
PS: Please don't think I interpreted your post as snobbish. Perhaps I found your response somewhat out of proportion given the information I had (and based on my own reference to the quote above, I should have assumed the best intentions), but I make no assumptions about your character.