mother in law hates me

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mother in law hates me

Postby sy13 » Fri Nov 11, 2011 3:43 pm

right now i need some support. i have been married for 5 years now but my husbands mom still hates me. she never liked me even when we dated. my husband and i live with her but has paid ALL the bills (water,elec,heat,rent,food,toothpaste,water,etc) for the past 2 years. she didn't have anything to pay except for her car insurance. she constantly gets laid off from job to job so without her son and i she would end up living with one of her daughters. (her daughters are all married with children). in my culture the son and his wife must live together with the son's parents. it is taboo if the son's parent's lived with their daughters. get it? well, his dad isn't around anymore so we do what we can to support his mom becuz we love her. however, becuz she doesn't need my help or love, i feel that i can no longer give a shit about her anymore. in my culture, the son's parent(s) rely on their son and daughter in law to help them whether it's financially or just to be around and offer them a helping hand. BUT my husbands mom never comes to us for anything. ( i guess most daughter in laws would be happy that MIL doesn't bother them) but for me i feel NEGLECTED. i feel that she leaves me out of the picture as if i'm not family. she never wants to go out in public with me, whether its grocery shopping or laundry or out to dinner. she insists that she will go with her daughters only. one of her daughters moved a block away from us and MIL is always over there and rarely home . this makes me feel that she indeed hates me and doesn't want to see me when i'm around. i know shes mad at my husband for marrying me. so she's always had that grudge and continues to act the way she does. it really bothered me and i got drunk one night and cursed at her and her daughters for treating me as if i didn't exist and ever since then they all disliked me even more. i'm really fed up,. i dont know what to do.just keep acting like an idiot living with her and hating eachother..making smart remarks to eachother and shit. i feel bad cuz i love my husband and dont want him to go thru this shit. but it's HIS MOM that treats him and i like little kids and she thinks her daughters are smarter than me. HELP plz. just give me some nice feedback. i'm so emotionally stressed. damn it!

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Re: mother in law hates me

Postby Capo » Sun Nov 13, 2011 7:48 pm

I won't pretend to know or understand your cultural background and expectations. Having said that, also know that many comments you get here may come from other traditions as well.

To me, I believe that when a person gets married and has his or her own family, that immediate family takes precedence above all other family. As a husband and a father, I view it as my responsibility to take care of them before any other family.

That being said, I do love my parents and believe I should help them to the extent which I am able, but never at the expense of my immediate family. If helping them means I lose my relationship with my wife, or seriously hurt my children in some way, then I've crossed the line.

Again, I know cultures and opinions vary, but that is my personal belief. I hope it helps.

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Re: mother in law hates me

Postby sy13 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 10:13 am

thank you for replying to me. i respect what you have to say. it is definitely helpful to read ur opinion. in my culture, sending our parents to a nursing home is not an option. no matter what. my MIL is a widow and myhusband is the only son. we are stuck until the day she's gone! right now i'm just sucking everything up.

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Re: mother in law hates me

Postby kombat » Mon Nov 14, 2011 11:28 am

Your husband needs to stop caring so much about what his "culture" thinks, and more about what his own wife thinks.

The mother is a cancer in your relationship that is clearly eating it from the inside. It is unhealthy for you and as long as it is alllowed to persist, you will be unhappy. I imagine nobody in this scenario is happy. Your mother-in-law sounds miserable, and I'm sure your husband is very stressed out over this delicate balancing act.

The solution is clear - you need to separate your young family from your mother-in-law, or this marriage will not last.

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Re: mother in law hates me

Postby peachy » Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:29 pm

Five years + dating time is a long time to try to work things out with the mother-in-law. From your post, I think you tried your best, and now it's time to let him know what's up. I agree with Kombat. You BOTH either need to move out or let your husband take care of his mom, and you keep it movin'. That's not really nice feedback, but I know I couldn't stand it and wouldn't put up with it.

Because we're at GRS, I hope that you are financially stable enough to make your demands and follow through. Otherwise, you just have to bite the bullet until you are. Good luck.

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Re: mother in law hates me

Postby DoingHomework » Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:38 pm

Have you spoken to your husband about this? Have you told him how you feel? I have no idea what culture you come from but I also can't think of any culture that says it is ok for a son to allow his mother to be verbally or emotionally abusive to his wife.

If you communicate with your husband, explain how inappropriate it is and how badly her behavior makes you feel, he should do something about it. He should talk with his mother and tell her that if she cannot behave respectfully and cordially toward you then he will have to reconsider what he does for her.

It could be a real eye opener for her.

I don't think her behavior is acceptable in any culture!

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Re: mother in law hates me

Postby kaitlyn142 » Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:27 pm

I actually know where you are coming from, but from the opposite side! My future mother-in-law is from Taiwan. She firmly believes that my fiance and I should be moving in with her. She and my fiance's dad maintain a house that is WAY too big for them partly on this belief. I am from an area of the US where moving out and being independent is highly prized.

*hugs* I do actually know what it is like for your MIL to hate you. Mine hated me, up until she decided that she might have a better chance of us living with them if she doesn't openly say things to me like how she thinks I'm bad for her son, and my whole family is immoral (because we aren't born again evangelical Christians). Pretty sure she still doesn't like me, but she's at least hiding it better.

As you can imagine, there have been some serious conflicts surrounding this issue. For my sanity, my fiance knows that we aren't going to be moving in with them right now. When they are older and infirm, then yes. Right after marriage? No.

Actually, your post helps explain why when we were visiting them last week, she had me run errands to the bank and gas station with her. I was really confused why she asked me to come.

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