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A place for Get Rich Slowly readers to ask questions
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It is currently Thu Jul 24, 2014 1:07 pm




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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 6:02 am 
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dtr wrote:
It's not the "getting" you should focus on, it's the "being".


They're already living together in the house they bought, so from your abstracted standpoint a piece of paper is going to make them any more married then they already are. Basically, it's time for a party celebrating the fact.


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 Post subject: Re: Advice Please: Wedding OR Debt?
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 6:16 am 

Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:19 pm
Posts: 1716
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Samantha wrote:
We [...] have $23k in debt left now ($10k car and $13k student loans). [T]he plan currently is to be debt-free in 21 months. We want to get married. We are committed to not go into any debt for anything.


Are you saying you are committed to not going further into debt for the wedding, or you want to be debt-free after the wedding? Those are two very different things. If it's the first case, then the answer is to reduce the monthly payments you're paying on your current debts so that you're only making minimum payments, and bank the extra cash until you have enough to pay for the wedding you want. If it's the latter case, then I'm afraid the answer is obvious: you'd have to wait 21 months to pay off your existing debts, then start saving up for your wedding.

Personally, I'd recommend somewhere in the middle. I'd continue your current path to paying off your debt, and start planning the wedding. In 21 months, when your last debt is paid off, direct that $1100/month into a "wedding" account and keep saving until you have half the amount you need for your wedding. Use a line of credit (not credit cards!) for the other half, and let your relatives know that cash gifts are welcome as wedding presents (instead of appliances, etc.). Ideally, when it's all over, you should only be in debt for 1/4 of your wedding cost, which should only take a few months to pay back at your $1100/month rate. Then, start putting that money toward a home down payment. Easy breezy.

dtr wrote:
As dreams go, it's stupid. It's essentially a big party. It lasts one day. Nobody honestly cares that it was beautiful


Well, dtr, you're obviously just a hopeless romantic, aren't you! :) A wedding is not just "a big party", in my opinion. It's a celebration of the joining of 2 lives, the birth of a new family, and a family reunion, all rolled into one. It's a chance to reconnect with distant relatives. It's a chance to meet new relatives. If it weren't for my wedding, there are several of my wife's relatives I might never have met.

Not to get too morbid, but as a wedding photographer I've also learned that quite often, photos taken at a wedding are often the last really "nice" photo of elderly relatives, and end up getting used at funerals. It sure beats a snapshot from a Bingo night when nobody has a really nice recent picture of grandma.

That said, I don't think weddings are for the couple. I think they're for the whole family. A lot of couples say "Why should I pay for a big party where I'm just going to spend the whole night smiling and shaking hands? Sounds expensive and exhausting! We're eloping." I tend to consider that attitude selfish. Your family raised you and wants a wedding to celebrate your marriage (along with all the familial benefits I listed above), and to rob them of that seems very self-centered, in my opinion. Of course, this perspective also expects the family to pitch in with the wedding, since it is in large part for their benefit. In my case, my family did an enormous amount of work to help us with the wedding, so if one night of exhausting socializing is what I have to endure to give them the opportunity to spend some time with cousins they haven't seen in years, then I was more than happy to do that for them. That's what family is for, in my opinion.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 6:22 am 

Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:19 pm
Posts: 1716
Location: Ottawa, Canada
dtr wrote:
I've been married for 10 years, and the wedding day was the least important of them all.


First of all, that's complete and utter bullsh*t. I can't believe I'm even dignifying that nonsense with a response, but there have obviously been thousands of "less important" days between your wedding day and now.

Secondly, do you care at all whether or not it was an important day to the rest of your family? Does that even matter at all to you?


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:10 am 

Joined: Sun Feb 17, 2008 4:39 am
Posts: 322
Location: Woodstock, CT
being a wedding planner demands that you have a great wedding otherwise it would be like a financial planner contributing less that enough to get the company match.
plus it would be a great selling point for future clients of yours.
but you have connection so the only issue is how much are you willing to spend.
since you're posting here i'm inclined to say that you don't really want to go in debt to have your dream wedding, but you'd like to be married before getting out of existing debt.

10 years ago, my wife and I were married in front of a Justice of the Peace at the town hall and celebrated with immediate familly at a nice restaurant rocking our K-mart wedding bands which we got at a discount because her little sister worked there. (life was beautiful at 22)
then we had the ceremony (rocking upgraded matching wedding band from Sears) with everyone we could afford to invite on our 1 year anniversary. although delayed by a year , we were introduced to all as Mr and Mrs and best of all she got to have her dance with her dad.

whatever you do, set up a budget, do it right i.e. inexpensively but not cheap

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When you're good to others, you're best to yourself - B. Franklin


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:12 am 
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Location: NC
kombat wrote:
dtr wrote:
I've been married for 10 years, and the wedding day was the least important of them all.


First of all, that's complete and utter bullsh*t. I can't believe I'm even dignifying that nonsense with a response, but there have obviously been thousands of "less important" days between your wedding day and now.

Secondly, do you care at all whether or not it was an important day to the rest of your family? Does that even matter at all to you?


If the rest of the family wants to foot the bill, then by all means, drink up!

And anyone that honestly finds issue with today being the most important day they've lived should re-evaluate things. Whats done is done. You cannot alter yesterday. The only thing you have a modicum of control over is today.

The life together is important. The paper is not.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 4:36 pm 
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dtr wrote:
And anyone that honestly finds issue with today being the most important day they've lived should re-evaluate things. Whats done is done. You cannot alter yesterday. The only thing you
have a modicum of control over is today.


I think you're confusing control with importance. The day I applied for my most recent job was much more important to me on a personal, professional and financial level then today where I'm going to mow the lawn and take a couple naps. The importance of an event in the past flows from the impact it has on your future. Getting married has BIG impact on your future, more then almost any decision you can make.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 5:35 pm 
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Today could be your last. And there is no more important breath than your last.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 6:16 pm 
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dtr wrote:
Today could be your last. And there is no more important breath than your last.


So basically everyone who's already dead is not important?


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 8:51 pm 

Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:19 pm
Posts: 1716
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Cleverbeans wrote:
dtr wrote:
Today could be your last. And there is no more important breath than your last.


So basically everyone who's already dead is not important?


Yah, this extreme, abstract, zen philosophy doesn't "click" with me, either.

"Today is the most important day of your life" is a cool bumper sticker, but realistically, the "most important" days of my life were my birth, my wedding, my first job offer, etc. - not today (I weeded my garden and drank a beer).

Enough metaphysical garbage. Get real.


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 Post subject: Re: Advice Please: Wedding OR Debt?
PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 9:00 pm 

Joined: Fri May 09, 2008 12:00 am
Posts: 132
Quote:

That said, I don't think weddings are for the couple. I think they're for the whole family. A lot of couples say "Why should I pay for a big party where I'm just going to spend the whole night smiling and shaking hands? Sounds expensive and exhausting! We're eloping." I tend to consider that attitude selfish. Your family raised you and wants a wedding to celebrate your marriage (along with all the familial benefits I listed above), and to rob them of that seems very self-centered, in my opinion. Of course, this perspective also expects the family to pitch in with the wedding, since it is in large part for their benefit. In my case, my family did an enormous amount of work to help us with the wedding, so if one night of exhausting socializing is what I have to endure to give them the opportunity to spend some time with cousins they haven't seen in years, then I was more than happy to do that for them. That's what family is for, in my opinion.
[/quote]

This is basically what our wedding (and big party in 2nd country) was - it was for our family. My cousins asked why I was subdued. I enjoyed it, but I definitely had to spend a lot time making sure that I visited with all the relatives and thanking everyone for coming and it was pretty tiring (i'm still working on the thank you cards...). My family (and his) paid for everything and I'm very lucky for that - I tried to nix the big stuff and what i considered unnecessary, especially the 2nd party, which I had a little more control over...but at the end of the day, it was an excuse for my family to have a big ole family reunion. I'm glad they came...

Kombat seems to have the best approach to your situation.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 9:46 pm 
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Cleverbeans wrote:
dtr wrote:
Today could be your last. And there is no more important breath than your last.


So basically everyone who's already dead is not important?


To us, sure. To them, no. When you die, you're dead. There is now more "you".

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DTR


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 9:47 pm 
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Location: NC
kombat wrote:
. Get real.


I pinched myself. It hurt. I think that means I'm real.

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DTR


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 6:23 am 
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dtr wrote:
To us, sure. To them, no. When you die, you're dead. There is now more "you".


All right, if someone can be more important to others even though they're already dead then they can certainly be more important when they're still alive. A wedding is a gathering of important people when one other person is going to make an incredible lifetime commitment to you. Even if you can't fathom how that decision and declaration has greater importance then certainly you can see how a day filled with the most important people in you life has importance.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 6:55 am 
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Invariably the decision has been made. I didn't decide to marry my wife on the alter.

As for the rest, I think importance is being confused with enjoyment.

And if it is all about the family, and not some ridiculous dream young women have drilled into their heads from birth on a near daily basis, ten by all means, let them pay for it. This is akin to buying a new car when you get your first good job after college.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 2:04 pm 

Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2007 10:08 am
Posts: 80
Location: Canada
Wow, first of all I'm sorry your first post attracted flamers. I don't know why people seem to be doing that lately on GRS.

As to your wedding its important, you should have one. No one would say 'don't have a funeral its just a big party' if your grandma died. Weddings like funerals, graduation, 18th b-day parties, baby showers are important they provide ritual for an important transition in life. Unfortunately weddings are an expensive ritual. In reality you have three options 1. pay off your debt and wait a few years to save up for the dream wedding. 2. put your debt on the back burner and save up for the wedding. 3. have a cheaper wedding.
Thats the only way you can avoid more debt and get married. You need to decide which is more important to you and your bf and then figure out how your going to work towards that.

IMHO i believe that weddings don't have to cost as much as they do. as a wedding planner you've probably heard it all but here are the things I'm doing for my wedding to keep it in our price range. [i'm getting married 06/13/09 and we will have been engaged for 1 1/2 years.]

We're using a cute local church. The only decorations were using are pew bows [because i like them] and were going to borrow the church's flowers for the front. its $700 and that includes the minister

Lots of family members are pitching in and were going to cook all the food for the wedding [my grandma is making the cake.]

I bought my dress from an small family business $400 [and i love it]

my wedding ring is sapphires and his is black tungsten. we both love them! i don't know how much mine cost [it wasn't sold as a wedding ring and it isn't diamond so not as much as one normally pays] and his was $100.

a friend is going to play live music for the ceremony for free and iTunes will be our djay.


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