I am trying my hardest to be supportive of her, but I have hated my job and co-workers for at least 10 years now.
I think this is the crux of the matter. If you're willing to remain that long in a job you despise, I can see how you might not understand the point of view of someone who's not willing to put up with it.
I agree with Brad. I think what this really comes down to is "fairness." The OP's position is, "If I have to put up with a job I hate, then so should you."
I think "fairness" is an absolutely essential element to any successful relationship. Personally, in my own life, I don't care a whit whether my wife makes more than me or less than me, as long as I feel she's working as hard
as me. If she were working 4 hours a day while I worked 10, and she was spending her extra 6 hours watching soap operas on TV, then the salary would be irrelevant. I'd feel resentful, regardless of the relative incomes.
This extends to housework, too. If we spend 2 hours cleaning the house, I don't really care if she spent the whole 2 hours cleaning the kitchen, while I mowed the lawn, did the laundry, and swept the floors. The bottom line is, we both put in an equal amount of time, so it feels like a team effort, and we're happy. But if she decided cleaning the kitchen was too hard, and instead went shoe shopping with her sister while I was mowing the lawn, that'd create conflict.
All that to say, the solution to the OP's dilemma is either for his wife to suck it up and tough out the new job (they're both miserable, but it's fair), or for them both to find new jobs they like (win/win). The money and early retirement factors are completely non-issues for me.