I understand that not everyone can be all upbeat and psyched about money and saving, especially when you don't get paid alot.

Also money isn't everything, but as you read here, being prepared for the future can help you live comfortably, so that's where I'm going with this.

I know you can't change people... so do you think if someone like myself who (essential looks in every area of my life to save, start investing and being smart about money as much as possible) cares so much about where my money goes, will be happy with my girlfriend in the future? I mean, everything between us is cool, fun, etc, but when it comes to money I don't want this to turn me off her. She says she doesn't want to save for retirement because we could all die in a second, therefore a waste of time and money to save if the worst should come around. I don't really agree with this. I mean, chances are most of us will make it to retirement, unfortunately some don't.

How do you think I should handle the situation? We're both young, I'm 19 and shes 23, we're both planning on becoming nurses in the future. I can't help but think in the back of my mind when her income goes from 15k a year to 60-70k a year, her opinions and attitudes to money will change. She lives without spending too much on herself, but doesn't seem to want to work as much as full time (but she will when shes a nurse). We have no kids, we haven't moved from home yet, so those factors do have an advantage for us.

Should I talk to her about how I feel towards this again? Should I let it bother me? I mean if it's going to go anywhere, this is one of the biggest topics to deal with and get straightened out. I just don't want to see her living poor and having me support her when I'm older (just because she wouldn't save). You know where I'm going? So I'm into her, I want to remain to be into her, but I don't want something so simple as saving to get in the way of what could be.

Grow out of it, or get out of it? Or just accept it?

I've seen people use this reason many times before and something has always struck me off about it. I finally realized what it was after a day of mulling over. Here are the options:

1) You spent your money and had a lot of fun experiences but now you're dead.
2) You saved your money and had less monetary fun but now you're dead.

Amazingly, they produce the same result for you -- you're dead. You don't lie in your grave with thoughts of "oh wow, I wish I had gone to Rio back when I was alive" or "man, that was great fun during Mardi Gras" going through your head. The only things going through your head are worms. This entire line of reasoning of regretting not spending your money if you die early is impossible.

Now, whether you can use this argument to change your girlfriend's mind, I doubt it.

I guess you're getting at, if she can't see this then it's probably not going to be any fun or work out. Doesn't mean it's all gone to shit, it just means I won't commit to anything unless we have a sound plan.

Thanks for your input.

While I admire you for recognizing that money is a crucial issue in a serious relationship, I think your worries are premature. If you aren't engaged or living together and all your finances are totally separate, let her do as she pleases with her money. As you said, you're both young. She could totally change her mind about retirement planning in a year or two. Or not--it doesn't really become an issue until you're committed to spending your lives together or at least sharing expenses (if you really do think this will lead to you subsidizing her living expenses).

Also, there is a bright side. If she doesn't overspend and doesn't have credit card debt, she is way ahead of most people.

Things could be a lot worse...your girlfriend could be spending crazy with credit card debt. Your both young and are setting yourself up for good jobs. Nothing to worry about.

Thanks once again, I realize it's very early on in the relationship and wouldn't want something like this to affect it.

Be sure your both on the same thought train towards money before you make a total commitment, save a lot of heartache later

If she isn't going into debt, you shouldn't worry YET, but you can't just not save for retirement. What happens when you get there and have no money.
I think you should bring it up gently, but not lecture too much. If she doesn't agree, then... wait.

Long term, yes, you will have to be on the same page about money. If you aren't planning on getting engaged any time soon, and she isn't going into debt, then it should be an issue at this point. Perhaps you can be a good influence on her over time. Her attitude is immature, but she is just 23 and it may develop over time. I didn't start getting really serious until i was 23, and until I had a "real" paycheck.

PS - 60-70k for nurses? Is this realistic for entry level, or are you talking later in the career, or are you in a really "hot" market? I could be wrong, but my mother is a nurse with over like 30 years of experience and I don't know that she makes 70k. Well, I know she doesn't in the midwest, but she does some work in cali and may make that now. Maybe. i haven't asked. Although certain specialties may make more $$.

PPS - Once you are nurses, if you two are into travel, you should totally look into travel nursing. Sometimes I wish I was a nurse so I could live somewhere new every 3 months like my parents are doing! But if you aren't into that kind of thing, totally understandable, just a thought.

Entry-level nurses here in Vancouver (Canada) make $26 an hour to start and often get much more for overtime, shift differentials and night shift, and working stat holidays.

DannyBoy,

Please e-mail me. I would love to use this question for an "Ask the Readers" on the blog.

--j.d.

For me, that would be a dealbreaker. Period.

I realize it wouldn't be for everyone, and I don't think it should be for everyone. But it is for me.

Money disagreements may or may not be the number-one reason for divorces -- the studies are mixed -- but they're certainly up there. And expecting someone to change for you is usually not a useful strategy.

I understand that money is one of the biggest causes of divorce, but really - if she's not as into it as you, that should be ok, depending on the situation.

Look, my husband is not really into money - and i mean - at all. He makes a nice bit of it. He likes to go out to dinner every so often, but really - money and the pleasure that comes with spending it is just something beyond him. A simple guy. ALWAYS lived beneath his means, but never paid too much attention to the money leftover, and never was very savvy about his savings.

I pay the bills, I do the investments, I read stuff like this board. I am the "nerd".

Now, if your girlfriend has a major shopping addiction, and lives a very extravagent lifestyle, has huge debts, and just makes ends meet - you may have a problem. But if she's just clueless but not way out of bounds, you should be fine.

YMMV of course, but what you've described doesn't sound like a dealbreaker to me.

I'm the money nerd too. I tell him about stuff, but he kinda freaks out about it so it's a challenge to explain in a way he understands. My Murry has a huge advantage over most people though. His parents were a study in contrasts.

His father who is still alive but severely ailing, was terrible with money and investments. While his dad was the primary breadwinner, when they divorced his mother took a settlement, got a secretarial job and invested her money wisely. When she passed away, she left him the house his two sisters her investment portfolio. His dad will be lucky to provide for his nursing care and he made tons more in INCOME than his ex spouse.

As far as relationships and money, it really comes down to basic values. If retirement saving are important to you in the long term, that's a consideration for the continuation of a quality relationship. Life expectancy takes into account people who die young. It's in the 70s. It's simply immature to deny that we're LIKELY to live into retirement. *I* don't want a long term relationship with someone who views planning for what is LIKELY as wasteful.

I would actually consider that less of a problem than the one described -- if the person shared the value of saving and planning for the future, and were making changes. It'd be pretty unlikely, but not impossible. Someone who is neutral on the subject of saving might be ok, too. I don't mind handling the details of finances. It's the active opposition to saving that I consider the dealbreaker. And, again, not everyone would or should feel the same way.

Maybe the circumstances where she's in doesn't teach her or encourage her to save or invest. So, there still might be a chance for her to change her attitude about it. In my opinion, grow out of it but at the same time still be observant. She may be needing your guidance later on.