Hello Everyone! I've been without internet for a month now (besides what I can sneak at work)-so first of all, it's good to be back!!

Secondly... I'm hunting some advice.

My husband and I just got married 3 months ago. We've been together for 4 years all-together and get along very well. It seems like the reason we get along SO well most of the time is because we have SO many things NOT in common. We can endlessly discuss things that we have different opinions on, we can work towards a goal that we both see differently and come to an even better compromise, and we don't ever run out of things to talk about. These differences have never been a problem... until this week.
We moved out of our apartment and into a MUCH tinier, run-down, $200+ less a month apartment this week. When we arrived, the place was disgusting. It had to be flea-bombed three times and we're still being bit, my hand callouses are actually burst open and bleeding from scrubbing the floors and walls so much, AND there's no central air (one window unit, but here in florida the heat index is 110 degrees with 95% humidity this week). Needless to say, we've been doing a ton of cleaning and painting, and bug spraying, and... well, everything. We've gotten the place live-able and we're excited about the cheap rent (it's in a better safer location than our old place, and living here for 2 years will give us a good savings toward a down payment on a home-hopefully with our already aggressive saving methods upwards of 10 or 15k to put down, yay us!!).

So the big problem is that through these last few weeks of serious hard work and exhaustion, I've noticed that he just isn't pulling his weight around the house. Granted, I was raised by the bluest collars you could ever be raised by and had a 10 point chore list every day from the time I could walk until the day I moved out for college & I can get a little OCD and work until... well until I bleed, as I said before; but I genuinely think that I'm not just being a mega-bitch workaholic... I think he's being a little bit lazy.

He was raised by a single mother, and bless her heart-I love her to death; but he was never given any chores, was allowed to drop out of school at 17, and was never taught to even drive a car... so when we got together he had a lot of work to do with his life & was ready to accept help in doing so. I'm happy to say that he now has his GED and scored 15th highest in our state for that year of GED testing, he got his license 2 years ago today, and he has come a long long way and is soon about to begin tech school. All of this is wonderful, BUT BUT BUT his lack of work ethic... is not as progressive as the rest of his changes. He'll work for an hour or so on something and then sit down at the computer for 2 hours before resuming the project. He'll wash the dishes each night; but they'll still be a little cruddy still when I go to dry them.
I hate to keep nagging him, and I feel like I'm training him like a horse or helper monkey or something when I walk him through stuff like folding laundry, but I work full-time and volunteer 8 hours a week... I need some help!
It's not just around the house.. It's with everything. When I drove (I just sold my truck-it was one of the Toyota Tacoma recalls-email me if you don't know about this and are driving a Toyota), my truck was always self serviced on time and pristine on the interior. His car, which we are now sharing, hasn't been washed in maybe... 11 months, and is ALWAYS late for an oil change. There are coffee straw wrappers everywhere inside, and I know that no matter how much I nag, I'll be the one to clean it all up because I'm the only one who cares.

Has anyone else had this problem with a significant other? How did you approach this? I've spoken to him about his lack of work ethic and pride in ownership, but he just thinks I am a product of my workaholic family and that I'M the one who has a problem working TOO hard. How can we find a middle ground?

Usually we just laugh off our arguments about work ethic, but this week has put a spotlight on this difference in a way that is making life tense. I know we'll be fine and can work through it, but it's a situation where neither of us seem to want to budge. He has the "you only live once, who cares about a messy house-let's have fun," attitude while I have the "work comes before success and joy should be earned," attitude.


Any advice?


(sorry for the book-length post and all of the run-on sentences, I'm at work and don't have time to fiddle with good grammar!! )

Well, you can't now be his mother just because he's out of the house. It sounds like he needs a little growing up to do, and you need to realize that different people have different standards of household and car maintenance. It's OK to want the standards to be the minimum for safety, comfort, and just plain dollar sense (flea free, regular oil changes, etc.), but not everything has to be shined so it blinds you (I haven't washed my car in probably years).

It maybe a generalization somewhat, but I've seen that the woman of the house tends to be more into cleaning it and having it be a comfortable and inviting place. Men tend to be into the yard, cars and stuff like that. For me, I'm neither. My ex was much more into keeping the house pleasing and inviting, now I'd rather be on the computer reading, writing or programming, and I do. My toilets are clean, my dishes are done, my clothes are clean, and I do make simple meals for myself (I don't go out just because I don't like to cook). But, cleaning until my hands bleed is just not my thing (unless I have company, then I clean pick it up ).

I would also think about how you really think about all this for yourself. Just because you were brought up in a house like that, doesn't mean that's what you're like. Of course, you may actually be like that from the genes or whatever, but it may also be an expectation from your family. Do they care how you are? Do they insinuate what it should be like at your house? Try to live to your standards (if you're not already), not to someone else's.

Other than that, hubby may never change, but he should respect your wishes enough to at least try and reach a compromise. After all it is both of your home, not just his.

Well this seems to be one of the most common situations people face when they begin got live with each other. There is always one person that is more into cleanliness than the others. I would suggest taking baby steps with your husband. While I agree with the previous poster, that he does seem to have a bit of growing up to do, it seems like he is making big strides to become a better person. Try giving him only one or two chores at a time to do, nothing too difficult initially. Then gradually, as he becomes better at managing them, add more difficult chores until you are on equal ground.

I think what you need to remember that most people are not willing to clean until their hands are bleeding. I am all for keeping my home spotless, but I don't think anyone should have to work that hard to keep their home clean. Cut him a little slack, tell him that he needs to clean the dishes a certain way to get them clean, show him how you would like things to be done. I think that if you try a more subtle approach, you may get the results that you want.

Good Luck!

I agree with the poster who said men are generally more into yard, cars, computers etc. That being said I'm sure most women are into more interesting things than scrubbing floors - and although most people may not clean until their hands bleed, you can bet if I moved my family into some ramshackle house that had fleas, I would be cleaning as quickly and as thoroughly as possible. If that meant some blisters and bleeding, so be it.

I'm not going to encourage you to be a mega nagger or anything, but I think sometimes a little nagging motivation is good. I think most men will slide by on whatever the expectation is, if you matryr yourself and clean up after you husband all the time without any requirement that he shares an equal load of the work, then that is what is going to happen. If you don't mince words and let him know what your expectations are, chances are he will do his fair share.

I have a wife who will let it be known when I'm not holding up my end of the deal. Although sometimes it may be annoying, I am glad that she challenges me to be the best husband I can be. Since you two are new to living together now is a great time to set realistic expectations. One thing that may help everyone feel like their duties are appreciated is to write down exactly how many hours a day each one of your works, and what it is that you are taking care of. Usually there are things that will pop up on the list that your spouse does that you weren't aware of, and either you realize things are more equal than you originally thought, or your partner can see on paper how much more you are doing than they are. Either way its a win win. I know it sounds sort of cheesy but I'm a big believer in spreadsheets and how putting things onto paper really can help quantify them.

Best of luck

Thank you's all around to everyone for all of the advice.
I think I may try the listing method. I'm also very spreadsheet and list oriented and this would be fun for me and maybe make him realize that I'm doing more than it looks like I'm doing.

Also, no, I don't usually clean until my hands bleed, but like I said, the place we moved into was abhorrent. If I hadn't scrubbed until it hurt there would still be gelled cat urine between the floor boards, I'd still be cutting my knuckles on the bathroom sink rust every time I wash my face and there would still be 2cm thick hand goop on the doors and... ugh, we've made so much progress that I don't want to even talk about how it WAS 2 weeks ago. Saving for a house, saving for a house, saving for a house.

Anyways... Yes, he tends to be more on the technical side of things and can do computer work and set up appliances. And stereotypically, yes, women tend to clean more or have higher standards of cleanliness... but I can set up the computer and appliances too...and clean! I guess it's just frustrating that we can't both have equal levels of ability on either side. I'm a woman, but a hell of a tomboy, and he's a man, but is just.. a man. He doesn't have that un-stereotypical personality trait that enables him to have equally balances skills and interests.

We've actually been living together for the entirety of our relationship (not just since we've been married) and it seems like most of his... well, apathy just started about a year ago. I also used to be a little more accepting of mess, but am snapping out of that because I was just being accepting to make life easier for him while it was making life harder for me. So now I'm back to where I'm comfortable and I just want a clean house!

I've thought about the fact that his lack of work ethic or apathy seems to be a newer thing... When he first started to turn his life around, he had energy and excitement, and I kinda think that since he tried so hard for so long, and still isn't 100% where he wants to be (yes, he drives now and has a GED, but he still hates his job, our apartment is horrible, and he still hasn't been able to save quite enough for college yet), some of the apathy may be a side effect of depression.
He has gained a little bit of weight (maybe 10 pounds), and like I said has been seeming frustrated and apathetic towards cleanliness and the general upkeep of his life.... I'm thinking maybe he's suffering from a little bit of depression or at least frustration. I'll bring this up first before I make any lists or talk about cleaning any more and see where the conversation takes us.

Thank you all so much! It's not like a dirty house is jeopardizing my marriage, but it is an unneeded stress--so I appreciate the advice!

My DH is not a House Husband. When we first moved in together (and we had a housemate) the housemate and I did all the cleaning. After 6 months, we were ready to snap.

I called some cleaning services, and got prices. At the time, they were charging $18/hour. So the deal was this: we kept a list of time "worked" posted on the fridge. If I did housework for an hour, I wrote it on the list, and paid myself $6, DH owed me $6, and housemate owed me $6. We totaled up the hours at the end of the month and adjusted. The first two months, DH owed me $40 or so, housemate owed me $12 or so, DH owed housemate $25 or so. The money made an impression! And I was *much* less b*tchy, because I was being COMPENSATED for my time and effort.

By month 3, DH started scanning the list about mid-way through the month, and made efforts to catch up. By Month 8, we were within a couple of hours of one another, with NO NAGGING on my part.

Ultimately, he just needed an incentive to do it, and the Chore List for Money worked for us.

You are probably also correct that he may be depressed. It's certainly worth following up on...

Good luck!

Sandi

Who works harder out of the house?

I ask because everyone seems to think all house chores should be evenly split. I put forth that every thing both people do for the betterment of the house hold should be taken in to account.

I've seen a lot of relations ships where there is one partner who complains about the other not doing their 50% of the house work when the one who does less house work works 60 hours a week and the other works 30 and I've never understood why it wasn't fair for the other to pick up a little more of the house work.

I work full-time and he works part-time, BUT I have a lot of paid vacation that he does not.... So I think it pretty much evens out, if not still weighs favorably on my side.

Yeah, it does, he should do more of the house work if you work full time, vacation doesn't factor in to it for me. It's all about over all work for the betterment of the house hold.

I agree with others, if you are working full time and he is working part time then he should be picking up more of the house hold duties.

That being said, if he does a task (i.e. washing the dishes) I would avoid redoing or correcting or nagging about how he completed the task. Different people have different ways of maintaining a home.

I prefer to clean up after myself and Mr. Sam prefers to let things pile up and then he cleans the whole house at once. This difference has caused major fights over the years but we've kind of come to a happy medium. I can't stand to have dishes pile up so I clean up his (and mine) dishes during the week. Mr. Sam has gotten better at keeping his mess in one area which makes me happy (if I can't see the pile it doesn't bother me). And I've stopped freaking out and nagging him (which makes him happy) about his level of house keeping. For example if he loads the dish washer and runs it I'm happy about his effort (despite the fact that 1/3 of those dishes will have to be rewashed because they sat for a couple of days and got crusty). If he does his laundry or household laundry I'm happy (I try to keep him far away from my laundry and I have to capture his drycleaning or he will ruin his dry clean only clothes but he is getting better). When he does a whole house cleaning (which he does quite often) I'm happy depsite the fact that his level of cleaning and mine are different). He recognizes that I won't go to the grocery store unless I'm starving and he doesn't give me a hard time about it.

I would sit down with your SO and come up with a list of weekly or monthly tasks that he is going to be responsible for and then he should commit to getting those tasks done on his own schedule. If he's agreed to do laundry once a week then he's got all week to do so and you shouldn't be nagging him during the week.

And we've got the tasks divided into a workable and equitable plan (which took a couple of years) such that I take care of tasks that I'm better at (finances and laundry) and he takes care of tasks that he is better at (home improvement projects, he manages our rental properties except for the finances and deals with the tenants, grocery shopping, lawn upkeep). We both work full time at demanding careers and the investment properties really are a part time job for Mr. Sam.

i think addressing the general apathy is a really good starting point. until you know why he's less motivated, you won't know how to help motivate him.

be aware that you married someone already knowing they functioned differently than you do. you can't expect them to become as neat or motivated as you are. everyone is different...

Thanks to everyone for all of the advice!
Update:
My husband has been slowly taking on more and more household work, and I've also found that I don't mind cleaning on my own that much if there isn't much else to do. He was transferred to third shift a few weeks ago, so now I'm alone a lot, which provides time to clean. It also seems like when we aren't working matching hours and are always together or for a lack of a better term, "up in each others faces," he takes on more responsibility because I'm not able to nag and with me not around-he appreciates the things I do that help him out. I've also decided that I'm going to build a room divider for his desk area so that he has room to work on his art, rebuild his bicycle, and do other messy things and I can hide it from myself. I think I'll allow myself one peek in there a month, just to make sure he isn't doing anything crazy like letting cords tangle to the point of a fire hazard, etc. etc.
Things are coming together in our new place and it's becoming live-able, which is making me less of a crazy wife who needs to clean 24/7, which is a relief for both he and I. I think when we first moved in and we were both horrified at how bad the place was, he had more of a "who cares, it's a sh*thole anyways," kind of attitude; but now he's realizing that I've worked hard to get it decent and it's actually turning out to be a cool little place. Holy heavens is it small though!
I'm still having to re-do the dishes he washes, but I'm trying to do it when he isn't home and if I am putting the ones he washed away while he's home, I'll comment ONLY if it's a good job, otherwise I'll just quietly place them back in the sink. I'm trying to use positive re-enforcement in this effort because he really does need to do a better job, so I'm not willing to COMPLETELY let it go... I mean, I found a whole mushroom slice in the bottom of a cup a few weeks ago... c'mon!
All-in-all, things are going better. I still want to sit down with him and address his general apathy, but that's a whole other can of worms that I'm not quite ready for yet.

Thanks all!

I'm glad it's working out.