I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 and a half years. I love almost everything about her, but there is one thing that drives me nuts about her and makes me forget about all the good qualities. I just can't have a conversation with her. She never has an opinion about anything. I get so many "I don't knows" and "I don't cares" that I just can't stand it.

When the rare occassion comes around that she actually does have something to say she will wait until I leave and want to have the conversation over text messages.

I don't know what to do. I definitely don't want to split up. We have a 1 month old baby and I really want to marry her sooner than later, but this has got to change. She knows how I feel about this and she's told me she would make an effort to change, but I've never seen any effort.

I don't know what else to do.

There are potentially some deep-rooted psychological/emotional issues going on. Perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you because she perceives you as impatient and/or judgmental. (I'm not saying that you are necessarily, just that she might perceive you that way.) I can understand where she is coming from as I am that way sometimes... depending on who I am with and what the circumstances are.

My question to you is whether this has been going on for the entire 2 1/2 year relationship or if it has developed somewhat recently. If it's more recent, then there is something else going on entirely... it is possible that she is unsatisfied or has matured beyond your level or has otherwise lost her zest for life with the new baby taking away her freedom.

My recommendations:

1) Make sure she is having "me" time and "us" time. With the new baby, it is important to retain her own identity and sense of self... and also to keep that spark of romance aflame to re-connect as a couple without always focusing on the "family" per se.

2) Start small and find some things that she really likes... even if it's something you normally hate like a TV show plotline or yoga or cooking ingredients (hate to be stereotypical but obviously I don't know her as well as you do). Familiarize yourself with these and discuss some topics of interest with her that involve open-ended questions (e.g. "how do you think that..." or "why do you think that..." or "would you rather..."). Give her plenty of time to answer your questions... you should not tap your fingers on the table or stare off into the distance... look her into the eyes but don't stare at her constantly in waiting. Conversely, see if you can teach her about some things that you're interested in... maybe how to change a tire if she ever gets a flat or something else that could be of use to her. Hopefully she will begin to open up so that she can be more involved in discussing issues for mutual decision-making or just holding a better conversation in general. It's not going to happen right away though so don't get immediately discouraged.

3) Re-affirm that you care. I know this may sound silly, but little things go a long way. And I don't mean flowers or candy or little gifts... I'm talking about actions that are considerate/thoughtful/courteous... actions that make her day a little nicer. Make sure you are participating in the household at least on some level... do laundry, clean, wash dishes, de-clutter, get up in the middle of the night when the baby cries so she doesn't have to. Most importantly, do these things without her asking and without you offering first... take action without regard for thank-you's and without lofty expectations of reciprocity.

It's also possible that she truly doesn't know or care, and is noncommittal and non-engaged in life. There are lots of people like that in the world.

No one person can provide everything you want or need in a relationship. You could view your friends as resources for filling the conversation void. Set up a once-a-week night out for a beer with a buddy that you like to talk with, so you can get it out of your system and don't feel stifled.

In every relationship I've been in, there have been territories of conversation that are off-limits or topics where we simply didn't connect, and I found it helpful to talk about those things with my existing friends instead, so I didn't feel thwarted or alone. The big area of non-sharing for me is music: I'm a pretty serious musician but I've only been in one relationship with another musician. Playing music with someone is a deep form of communication, in a way it's like having a conversation. But if you're with a non-musician you simply have to find other musicians to play with. That doesn't mean the relationship can't be deep or successful, it's just that it doesn't have that particular element, and because that element is important to you it's vital that you seek it elsewhere. Preferably with someone of the same sex (assuming you're heterosexual), otherwise it can get complicated (speaking from experience!).

I'll start by saying that I don't have kids. Now that that's out of the way, maybe she is having post-pardum (sp?) depression.

Does she have any other mom friends? Maybe you could help her find a group of moms that go to the park, or have play dates, and she will feel more comfortable talking about her problems with them. A lot of my friends had a hard time coming to grips with motherhood and until they found other moms, they were very lonely. Everyone is so concerned about the baby that they don't even bother to ask how the mom is doing. All gifts and attention are towards the baby since he/she's so young and "precious."

I hope you can work things out and find out what's really going on. Good luck!

Its hard for anyone to talk about someone else's relationship, I don't even understand my own most days.

However I would say to stop looking for your girlfriend to act and think the way you do. This blog is all about getting rich slowly, remember changing someone's entire personality and the very way they think isn't going to happen over night.

After eight years my wife now likes football, still hates Sci-Fi, now drinks beer, still hates hunting, doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink, still leaves a clump of hair in the tub. Some things change, some things stay the same. Just try to love her for both.

You break up. Ask my ex-girlfriend about that one.

(Hopefully that's not the best option for you two.)

Ryan

You have a one-month-old baby? That means that, for the past year, your gf has been pregnant or a new mom! Yikes! Give her a break! This is an overwhelming time! The six week mark tends to be the hardest. This poor woman should not be expected to keep up a debate or anything like that. Let her get sleep. Get some sleep for you! Get lots of help around the house. This is not the time to be thinking about breaking up or anything like that. It takes about 18 months to find your groove after you have a baby. Focus on surviving this challenging time! Focus on your baby! If you can find a few words to utter between you, then celebrate that. This is not the time to be thinking your girlfriend is a less than stellar conversationalist.

When I look at the big picture, I know I don't have it bad with her. Actually I'm pretty lucky. She takes really good care of me, really good care of our baby, she's very easy going and easy to get along with. She doesn't nag or complain. She likes mostly all of things I like (or if she doesn't she does a good job of pretending). As a matter of fact this is the one and only thing that I have to complain about.

I just want to be clear that I'm not complaining about her not wanting to sit and discuss or debate current affairs or anything like that. I'm talking about not talking to me about things that have to do with us and our future. Or, the rare occassion when there is a little disagreement, she won't say anything about it when I'm home. She waits till I go to work and wants to talk about it through text messages.

For example, this is what prompted me to even write this post the other day. We went out to eat and while we were waiting on the food I wanted to talk about whether or not she was going to go back to work, and if so then what were we going to do with the baby (daycare or having her parents babysit). I tell her what I think about the whole situation and what I would prefer to happen. Then, I ask her what she thinks about it and all she says is "I don't really think anything about it". Just like that the conversation is over and we didn't speak the rest of the night.

This is nothing new though... she just doesn't like having face to face conversations about anything important. Earlier in our relationship she had some issue with her mom and instead of talking to her about it she wrote a long letter and gave it to her and nothing else was ever mentioned.

What brad said about no one person can provide everything you want or need in a relationship really got me thinking that maybe I'm really putting too much into this. Like I said earlier, this is the only thing I have to complain about and for most everything else she's perfect for me. This is just a big thing for me so it's going to take some work on my part to not let it bother me much. I don't need long, deep conversations about everything going on in the world, but I'd like her to have an opinion on what goes on in our life.

If I had to guess, I'd say she's a conflict avoider. Maybe she's had enough conflict in her life already and she's tired of it, so she avoids direct confrontation by writing letters or some other non-face-to-face way of getting things out. Or maybe she doesn't feel confident in her ability to argue or discuss things rationally in a face-to-face situation.

It sounds to me like she has opinions and concerns. She just isn't comfortable talking them out but would rather wait until she can solidify her thoughts and put them into writing. If you know that about her, you can adapt to that behavior and work with it. The main quality I think you'll need is patience: it sounds like she'll get her feelings and opinions out eventually, one way or another, just not in the way you'd prefer (in a one-on-one conversation).

Brad has some good points.

I can tell you a story about my dh & I when we had a new baby. I needed help from dh, and he just didn't seem to get it. I would leave him lists, I would talk to him about it. Nothing worked... until I tried to see it through his eyes. He is an efficiency engineer. So, I put together the Baby Management Flow Chart. Besides getting a laugh, it helped him understand what I needed help with.

If you can't find a way to deal with these issues that works for both of you, you should also consider going to counseling. Preferably with your SO, but on your own if she won't go.

Good luck!

Holly, I laughed out loud at your story... too funny!

So you had a baby out of wedlock with a woman who can't/won't communicate with you?

Wow.

Not to judge, but you should spend some time with a marriage counselor. If not for yourself, then for the kid's sake. I don't see anything here that can't be fixed, it sounds like you two love each other, but you really, really need to learn to communicate, ASAP.

"You break up. Ask my ex-girlfriend about that one.

(Hopefully that's not the best option for you two.) "

There is a baby involved here, should over shadow every thing else here. She seems to be very unhappy about something ,there are millions of kids today being raised in broken families ,a shame.

Guys, I don't think you read Shaun's posts very carefully -- it doesn't seem that serious to me. It sounds like this is a woman who just doesn't like confrontation and conflict, and prefers to communicate her thoughts in writing rather than face to face. It's a pattern -- she did it with her own mother. As a conflict avoider myself, I can empathize, although I have gradually trained myself over the years to be more assertive in person. But I still tend to avoid arguments or situations in which I think an argument will develop, and I often will find myself agreeing with people even if I totally disagree with them, simply because I don't want to spend the time or energy it takes to argue with them.

A lot of people are conflict-avoiders, and some people also have a hard time talking about the future or about change. I think the key to getting along with people like that is to try to put yourself in their shoes and figure out alternative ways to communicate. You can even make a joke about it: instead of saying "I'd like to talk about moving to a new apartment" or something, you could say, "I'm thinking about us moving to a new apartment, you want to write me a letter telling me how you feel about that?"

You can both definitely work on communication skills, but, right now, you should just focus on moving forward. If you are thinking daycare, take the initiative of interviewing some and putting your baby on waitlists. You don't have to commit to anything. Keep the options open. It's too early. 6 weeks is going to probably be the most trying time.