The article recently posted on sunk costs came at a very appropriate time for me, as my husband and I are having really tough times and I am maybe starting to realize that part of the reason I am still in it is because I've already put in so much time and effort. We've been married for 3 years, and things have been crappy for the last 2.5! Counseling, books, endless discussions, and a workshop weekend have failed to help. Right now we are at a point where neither of us knows what else to do. I feel rather apathetic about the whole thing, and to tell the truth, if I could go back in time and just not get married I would do it in a heartbeat, except for one thing - we just had a baby girl about 3 months ago. So, I can acknowledge to myself that I don't really want to be in this relationship, but the two things holding me back are the sunk cost of time and effort (I even feel guilty about the fact that my parents paid for a really nice wedding), and my daughter... I know plenty of families are divorced and the kids turn out OK but it just breaks my heart to think about her not having both her parents, having to deal with visitation and all that.

So I guess my question is whether anyone can share similar experiences, and how did you come to a decision? When none of the options are really that attractive, how do you decide to finally suck it up and make the choice that you think is right, but that is scary because of all the negatives? How do you know when continued effort is just "throwing good money after bad" or when it's actually useful to keep trying?

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

It's a lot harder when there are kids involved, but you can forget about the sunk costs. That's not a reason to stay in anything...it's all something that happened in the past. You need to look to the future, because that's what awaits you.

It sounds like you've made a lot of effort to get it to work. My ex and I had two years of couples counseling once a week, and while it helped us to understand each other better it didn't resolve the underlying issues, which were largely due to deep personality differences. We were great housemates, just not great soulmates, and while many of my other married friends felt that it's a lot more important to be able to live with someone than to be in love with them, I just felt alone. Everyone's situation is different...you can try to get back to the beginning and feel again all the reasons why you fell in love with someone, but often there's too much water under the bridge, too many debits to your emotional bank account, to be able to get back to that starting point again.

It sounds like you're ready to leave. Your baby is young enough that a divorce probably wouldn't be nearly as traumatic for the child as it would if she were older. Still, if you think your marriage is worth salvaging then it's worth sticking it out to see if you can make it work. Friends of mine were on the brink of divorce and decided to stay together for the kids' sake, basically just co-habitating and living their separate lives. But that decision seemed to liberate them somehow and they could be honest with each other in ways they couldn't before, and now they're doing well. I don't know if it'll last, I have my doubts, but it's one of the few hopeful stories I know of where a couple came back from the brink and became stronger. I think it depends on whether you think there's hope or if it's a lost cause. There's no magic way to know, you just have to listen to your gut and get perspective from friends and other outsiders who aren't actually in your situation but observing it (which often gives them better insight since your judgement may be clouded).

I'd just like to say that applying economic principles to personal matters can be both extremely useful and dangerous. Whilst economics is the science of choice, human relationships aren't a science and what may sometimes seem rational and logical may be exactly the opposite (and vice versa).

On the one hand you have a few practical decisions which can be formulated ie. Finances, Logistics, Assets. On the other hand you have some emotional decisions to make which can't be fomulated and depend on how you feel individually ie. your interest level in your husband (on a scale of 0-100 where would you rate it?), your love for your child, the need to have a family.

Lastly you'd have to state your goals in life and figure out if you're willing to be selfish (it can be a virtue). Does what you're doing now conflict with or advance those goals? If you were to change course what "taxes" would you have to pay and could you/would you be prepared to deal with them?

Reading your post and speaking from the personal experience of a friend, it would seem better for a child to grow up with 2 happy parents than with 2 miserable ones (and perhaps another two miserable siblings).

Wish you all the best of luck.

Have you considered that this could be post-partum depression? I wouldn't make ANY major life choices until at least a year after birth - it's stressful, and you're sleep deprived, and hormonal. So be careful with making BIG LIFE DECISIONS at this point...

Best wishes.

Sandi

Never understood the reasons to throw a lash wedding. 10k - 100k or higher for one night of showing off. Never understood it. What happened to the good ole times when you just married someone just because you loved them? A wedding ceremony is really not necessary. Just getting the marriage license is. The look how good I am weddings are one of the reasons why the US is in the mess we are in now. Kinda ironic when you come to think of it. Spend tens of thousands of dollars (or credit) and then divorce a year or two later. Hmm...

This won't give you all the answers, but I suggest reading The Dip by Seth Godin <--- review I did on it.