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 Post subject: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 8:38 am 

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 179
When I've wanted to learn something in the past I read books on the subject. I've read tons of personal finance books, self-improvement books, books on raising children. But there is one very important subject that I've just been winging it on for the past few years. My marriage is not bad at all, but I know there is lots of room for improvement. I think I need to do some reading on how I can make my marriage great. Is there any recommended reading out there from the people on this forum on the subject?

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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:04 pm 
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* "For Men Only" & "For Women Only" Shaunti and Jeff Feldhaln – A straightforward guide, easy read to the inner lives of men and women. One probably can finish this short book in less than 1 or 2 hours. Also written by the couple is For Women Only which I recommend as well. These books helped the wife and I as we worked through our first couple years of marriage. Each one is a great short read that is very insightful! I highly recommend it!

* "Love & Respect" - Dr. Emerson Eggerichs – This is recommended by Focus on the Family. This book reflects primarily on Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she honors her husband.”

He goes onto explain that men often speak one language and women another. Women see through pink glasses, hear through pink hearing aids, and speak through a pink megaphone. Men on the other hand see through blue glasses, hear through blue hearing aids, and speak through a blue megaphone. It is learning to speak each other's language and seeing the other person's perspective that really makes the difference.

I definitely recommend this book and have even have given a copy to a friend.

These are two that we enjoy and have helped us. I'm sure there are others I can't think of at the moment. ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:59 am 

Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2009 10:59 am
Posts: 255
I highly, highly recommend The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman. It talks about how not everyone says "I love you" the same way, identifies the primary different ways people express (and following that, understand) love, and how to learn to interpret what your partner is saying. It has a slight religious undertone, but nothing that can't be ignored (my agnostic husband loved it!).


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 1:37 am 

Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:29 pm
Posts: 1627
Location: Seattle, WA
John Gottman has written some research based books you would probably find interesting. The one I remember reading was "Why Marriages Succeed and Fail", though "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" seems to be his most popular marriage improvement tome.

I saw a recommendation recently for "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" as a book that can improve *any* relationship.


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 5:35 am 
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kellogg9 wrote:
Personally i feel way too many people get married early and not for the right reasons. Before people get married i think they shuold look to being the best of friends for years. In most cases people get married because that is what the neighbors are doing.


Out of curiosity what are not the right reasons to get married? Is this from personal experience or observation?

Most people get married because that is what their neighbors are doing? Huh? Lol. ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 7:28 am 
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kaitlyn142 wrote:
I highly, highly recommend The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman. It talks about how not everyone says "I love you" the same way, identifies the primary different ways people express (and following that, understand) love, and how to learn to interpret what your partner is saying. It has a slight religious undertone, but nothing that can't be ignored (my agnostic husband loved it!).


This is a great book! It was very helpful to us as well. ;)

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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:08 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2009 9:01 am
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Eagle wrote:
Out of curiosity what are not the right reasons to get married? Is this from personal experience or observation?

Most people get married because that is what their neighbors are doing? Huh? Lol. ;)


I think many people do. Others get married for financial reasons. One reason we originally got married after living together for several years was so that one of us became eligible for health insurance through the other's job. Some people get married for tax or estate planning reasons. Some do it for religious reasons. Many do it because their family pressures them to do so. I bet there are as many reasons out there as their are married individuals (i. e., twice as many reasons as there are married couples.)


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 4:46 pm 

Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:33 pm
Posts: 1149
Location: Illinois
DoingHomework wrote:
Some people get married for tax or estate planning reasons. Some do it for religious reasons. Many do it because their family pressures them to do so.

Oddly enough my wife and I are considering divorce for tax reasons.


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 5:28 pm 

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 179
Eagle wrote:
kellogg9 wrote:
Personally i feel way too many people get married early and not for the right reasons. Before people get married i think they shuold look to being the best of friends for years. In most cases people get married because that is what the neighbors are doing.


Out of curiosity what are not the right reasons to get married? Is this from personal experience or observation?

Most people get married because that is what their neighbors are doing? Huh? Lol. ;)


I believe some people do...hopefully not most people... A good friend of mine got married to a girl he dated on and off for a couple of years. They never could get along, even before marriage, and unfortunately everyone knew it wasn't going to last going into it. They lasted 4 or 5 years, and they're going through the divorce now. I firmly believe that he settled on marrying her because most of us had already gotten married and started having kids.

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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 9:25 am 
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Shaun wrote:
I firmly believe that he settled on marrying her because most of us had already gotten married and started having kids.

Yeah, it can get pretty boring when your buddies are no longer allowed to go out and get drunk and pick up chicks.


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 10:30 am 
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bpgui wrote:
DoingHomework wrote:
Some people get married for tax or estate planning reasons. Some do it for religious reasons. Many do it because their family pressures them to do so.

Oddly enough my wife and I are considering divorce for tax reasons.


Sorry to hear that. :worried:

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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:27 am 

Joined: Fri May 04, 2007 8:14 pm
Posts: 1953
DoingHomework wrote:
Shaun wrote:
I firmly believe that he settled on marrying her because most of us had already gotten married and started having kids.

Yeah, it can get pretty boring when your buddies are no longer allowed to go out and get drunk and pick up chicks.

You should follow traditional Chinese culture. We get concubines. 8)


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:34 pm 
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VinTek wrote:
DoingHomework wrote:
Shaun wrote:
I firmly believe that he settled on marrying her because most of us had already gotten married and started having kids.

Yeah, it can get pretty boring when your buddies are no longer allowed to go out and get drunk and pick up chicks.

You should follow traditional Chinese culture. We get concubines. 8)


I'll have to suggest that to my wife.


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:57 pm 

Joined: Fri May 04, 2007 8:14 pm
Posts: 1953
DoingHomework wrote:
VinTek wrote:
You should follow traditional Chinese culture. We get concubines. 8)


I'll have to suggest that to my wife.

It's any help, she can use my wife's criteria. Applicants have to be able to cook and clean exceptionally well. They also must remember that as First Wife, she holds dominion over them. My own criteria are...somewhat different.


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 Post subject: Re: Making a better marriage
PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 4:32 am 

Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2009 10:59 am
Posts: 255
VinTek wrote:
DoingHomework wrote:
VinTek wrote:
You should follow traditional Chinese culture. We get concubines. 8)


I'll have to suggest that to my wife.

It's any help, she can use my wife's criteria. Applicants have to be able to cook and clean exceptionally well. They also must remember that as First Wife, she holds dominion over them. My own criteria are...somewhat different.



I suddenly see the bright side of multiple wives.


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