Hello everybody. I'm not sure if any of you have read my topic in the introduction board but I have become really burned out. Back when I was about 10 years old I used to be full of life, never being afraid of the unknown and always getting amongst different hobbies. Then when I went to secondary school I was bullied, at one stage even by the teachers. This dramatically affected my confidence and I became an emotional wreck getting angry over the smallest things. After secondary school I went to college and studied computing (not because I wanted to but I was persuaded that it was the career with the most money) and passed my course with the highest attainable grade and was praised by my teachers. The problem is that I am still emotionally damaged from the bullying a received, I still have little confidence, I feel that I am lazy and that I'll never achieve anything. I am fearful of trying new things and although I aced college I am working as a shop assistant getting paid minimum wage. My job is a customer service role and therefore I am in constant contact with customers which means that when a customer walks through the door I immediately start getting nervous because I have low self-esteem, some times it even leads to me shaking uncontrollably after everything has calmed down and the customer's have left the store and I sometimes feel like crying. Although my family don't know this I sometimes have suicidal thoughts, I know I would never go as far as carrying out these thoughts but I still shouldn't be thinking this way. I really thought as a kid that I would make something of myself, maybe become a doctor, policeman, fireman, buisnessman etc. but the spark just left me and I feel depressed.

I have tried to solve this problem by; scouring through hundreds of web pages, taking up exercise (got rid of my car and now bike to work), working out (this didn't last long as my parents criticised that I was skinny enough as it was and I shouldn't need to exercise) and finally just trying to toughen up. I must say that the biking to work has done wonders for me since everytime I start to ride my bike I feel everything in the world just leave my body and I am at peace, its when I have to stop that everything comes flooding back and I am depressed again.

Any advice or guidance would really be nice, or a good website or two would be great. Or really just somebody to talk to about this would be great.

Thank you very much for taking time to read this post,

David

Hi, David.

It's great that you find some solace through bicycling. That used to work for me, too. I've struggled with self-esteem issues most of my adult life, and faced a particularly rough patch of depression a couple years ago. It was debilitating. I didn't like myself and I didn't like what I was doing. It wasn't a good place.

The thing that helped me was finding a purpose in life (i.e., this web site). Having a purpose has helped me feel that what I'm doing is meaningful, that I'm contributing something, however small. This has worked so well for me, in fact, that I like to encourage others to find something meaningful in their life and pursue it. I see friends who are struggling with jobs that they hate, or who feel like their life is worthless, and I try to steer them toward a purpose (letting them define it).

The trouble is, finding meaning and purpose is not straightforward. In fact, it can be downright impossible to do it, even when the answer is in front of your nose. I never would have guessed that writing a personal finance blog would have such a positive effect on me, yet in retrospect, I can see how my entire life has been leading to this. And it feels good to be able to help other people now.

My advice is to read extensively. Read self-help books. Read about subjects that interest you, particularly any hobbies you might have. What is it that you truly love to do? I've always loved to write. As a kid, I wanted to be a writer. But as an adult, I thought this was just a dumb, impossible dream. Eventually, though, I came to see that I could be a writer, even if not in the traditional sense. I think that this sort of thing is possible for many people. Maybe you like photography. Maybe you'll have a niece ask you to photograph her wedding and discover that you love wedding photography. Etc. There's no one right path.

Keep an open mind, and be in tune to what gives you purpose and meaning.

Please find the courage to seek professional help (beyond the web) for your depression. I speak from experience when I say that it can, and will, get better under the guidance of someone trained to help you. I don't know all of the options that may be available to you, but you may have an Employee Assistance Program or mental health benefits through an insurance program.

I agree. A pro can work wonders. Just make sure you realize that sometimes it takes meeting with a few to find one who is the right fit. I'd also encourage you to get involved with an activity that allows you to share your knowledge without getting paid. The ability to help people does wonders for self-esteem. There are always non-profit companies who need tech help. This would allow you to stretch your brain a bit as well as build your confidence and do some good.

You might also want to think about discovering what you REALLY want to do with your life instead of just following the path that someone else put down for you. Find something you have a passion for and do it.

Good luck. It can be hard to take back control of your life when you've given it to others but you're young and once you do it you'll be amazed at how your life changes.

This might seem a bit off, but usually when I'm in a funk, I'll undertake a long but generally easy project.

Upcoming projects this summer include:
Have my first ever garage sale (I'll post about that separately)
Find some new shelving for my CD and DVD collection.

Overall, this one depends where you live, there's one thing that improved my quality of life:

Get a dog.

Depends if you're a dog person or not. And a dog, not a cat. Matty (short for Mattingly) is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides my wife. I got him when I was single and moved to a new state and a new town for a job. I had no friends before him, but he gave me reason to go outside and walk around, go to dog parks and be a happier person. It's some work, but it seriously improved my life.

Speak to your GP, they should be able to help you with your depression. And maybe consider talking to the samaritans, they have a good website and might be able to help you.

If you would like to think about getting a new job, one more suitable for you, try reading what color is your parachute? you can probably find a copy in your library.

Its really good that you've found the cycling to be fun and relaxing. I've just discovered meditation (sort of) which I do within a group, but you can get cds and so on that do guided meditation. Its a lot less hippy and new age than I thought.

Try not to worry, you're really young and I know that with such a good attitude you're bound to make a great success of your life - you just haven't found out how you're going to do it yet.

David, I can empathize with a lot of what you said. I too was bullied in school, and also at home by my stepmother (you can read about her at http://www.firescribble.net/acs/betty.htm)

The thing to remember about bullies is that they're the ones who are weak. They may be physically or intellectually stronger than you, but truly strong people never bully anyone else; they don't need to. If you let bullies affect your self-esteem, you're letting them win. Much of what my stepmother said to me was personally denigrating; she made me feel like a terrible person, selfish and lazy, irresponsible, thoughtless, incompetent, and downright bad. But I had a choice: I could either allow myself to be a victim and believe what she said, or I could dig my heels in and not give her the pleasure of destroying me. Once I made the right choice, everything became easier after that. Not easy, but easier.

I agree with the comments above suggesting that you seek professional help, but if for some reason you don't want to do that (I never did), you may be able to find the strength within yourself to put your past behind you and move on. Sometimes the simple act of choosing to not be a victim can make an enormous difference.

Brad, I know I've told you before, but I really love your writing.

Thank you for the replies everybody, it means a lot to me.

First, JD I am a big fan of your work and think Get Rich Slowly is one of the biggest helps that have started to help me deal with my problems, I am eternally greatful for the help you give. I do understand what you mean that I should look for a purpose in life, with me being very shy and fearful of trying new things it resticts me a lot, I think what I need to learn to do is to basically stare fear right in the face and deal with it otherwise I am going to be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life. Could I ask what self-help books you suggest for dealing with my problems.

To tinyhands, thank you for suggesting for me to seek professional advice but I am trying to avoid going to see a professional mainly because nobody but me knows about it and I don't want anyone in my family to find out because I don't want to trouble anyone. The way I see it is that I have had the courage to admit my problems and hope that now I can focus my whole energy into resolving them, I am starting to become a stronger and better person because of it.

To pf101, it is really hard to start making decisions for myself after having my life dictated to me by others and after watching the self-reliance video that was posted on GRS I feel that I need to start to put the 4 points explained in the video to work to become more self-reliant.

To robblatt, I like your idea of setting projects. I set myself projects last week at work because sometimes at work I can go through patches of 30mins - 1hr without seeing a customer pass through the doors so I had to start thinking of things to occupy my mind. I also already have two dogs, I love them very much and they make me smile more than anything in the World. My lack of self-confidence though means that I am fearful about taking them for a walk alone because I am scared of being attacked by other dogs mainly because I am quite overprotective and I would probably put my life on the line to save my dogs because they mean everything to me.

To plonkee, I will have to read that book because I really have no idea at all what I want to do as a career and I am one of these people who will think, "You know what I would love to be a paramedic," but then the reasons not to be one come popping into my head like my fear of blood, fear of distressed people and fear of failure that I just think that I would be better off sticking to my current job. I have done this with occupations like; Psychiatry, Doctor, Police Officer, Accountant, Fireman, Entrepreneur, Actor basically I have thought about most occupations I could do and then think of hundreds of reasons why I wouldn't be good at them.

To brad, your advice is right on the money, I to felt like I was a terrible person, that I was lazy and couldn't amount to anything. I am trying to work through this and overcome it. I think that with time my emotional wounds will heal and with a new sense of direction for my energy will help me develop and become something that I have only imagined in my dreams.

Thank you all tremendously for your advice, I have also started finding ways to relax my mind and at the moment I am getting into opera music, which is something even as a child I thought was boring and too high class for people like me but after watching a TV show in the UK called Britain's Got Talent, a contestant named Paul Potts sang opera and I was intrigued because it was the only time that I have ever had my hair on my arms stand on end. I was wondering what other music you people suggest for relaxing to.

Thank you all again,

David

If you like opera, you might also like choral music like Faure's Requiem, I find it very relaxing. I also like orchestral music in particular Elgar's Cello Concerto.

I think that one of the great challenges of living in the 21st century is that there are so many possible careers that one can have. It means there is bound to be something that you'll enjoy but it can be hard to find. When I was 19 I had no idea that the job I do now (which suits me really well) even existed. I think you need to think more about the skills and talents that you do have and work out how to use them (and this applies to everyone).

If you want some advice or help on depression and mental health issues in the UK then the best people to contact are Sane and The Samaritans. If nothing else, they might be able to give you more ideas on things that could make you feel better and you can contact them without anyone in your family or friends knowing about it.

If you are frightened of taking your dogs for a walk I have been led to believe that the best way of getting over your fear is to take baby steps and make yourself keep going until the fear has passed. For example you could start by walking to the end of the street and back in the middle of the day and work up to 5 mile hikes (or whatever).

I just wanted to say that I really admire you courage in asking for our help.

When I just want to chill I like Enigma and various classical composers (Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Bach and Beethoven are my favorites).

You might try downloading various songs from limewire. Do a search for relaxation music and you'll get lots of recs.

One book that really helped me -- not so much regarding purpose as battling depression -- was Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. This came highly recommended from many people. The book didn't tell me anything I didn't already know -- I was a psych major -- but it did remind me of what I needed to do. Burns takes a gentle but firm approach, and explains how we can alter our actions to improve our mindset. Any public library should have a copy.

As for music: when I want to relax, I listen to what is termed "chillout" music. It's basically electronica but without the driving dance beats. (In fact, oftentimes chillout has no percussion at all.) I have a wide collection of high-quality chillout music. My wife hates it.

Regarding books:

When I was really struggling with depression after a bad time in my life I went to the self-help section of the book store and grabbed a stack of books that sounded interesting. I started with about 40 (they hated me) and sat down and read the first chapter of each. The ones that "spoke" to me I purchased, the others I put back. I walked out with 7 of them.

I understand your hesitation in engaging an outside consultant, but I would encourage you to give it a try before dismissing it entirely. I don't know you from Adam, so I may be way off base here, but I think you're justifying your own excuses for not doing it. Whether anyone else is "troubled" by your quest for self-improvement shouldn't have anything to do with it. Again, I speak from experience (but admittedly, not expertise).

Hello everybody, I know it has taken a long time for me to reply but I am doing a lot of overtime at work. Well here is the update, I have defeated my depression, the weird thing is I don't know how. One morning last week I woke up and I was just full of energy and happiness and the buzz hasn't worn off yet. All I kept of thinking of is here I am worrying and moaning about my problems when there are millions of disadvantaged people in the World who would give their right arm to have my life. I am now extremely happy with my life, although I am qualified to be in a better job than I am in now I don't care because my current job brings me so much happiness that its worth it, my job is always challenging and there is always something to do and when there isn't then you can just clean around and relax. I also realised that I am quite rich in my own terms of course, by this I mean that I have mounted up about £5000 in the bank in the matter of 5 months in my job but I think my main reason for having so much is that I am good at saving and from a lot of the advice on Get Rich Slowly.

If I do go back into depression I will let you all know but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

I would like to thank everyone who offered advice in this topic and just to tell you all how greatful I am for your concerns.

-
David