I'll admit it: I'm way behind on posting reader questions. I get tons of questions, and can never reply to all of them. I do ask a handful of folks if they'd like to put their problems to the general readership. But even after sifting these through, I still have about a dozen dilemmas to put before you.
I had hoped to write up one “ask the readers” column per week that I'll be in Europe, but that didn't happen. Instead, I'll post one today, and then we'll tackle the backlog in earnest when I return.
Today's reader question is a little bit different. Generally I edit the e-mails severely and then chime in with my advice before passing the baton to you. I'm not going to abridge today's message at all. I'm posting exactly what came in. And I'm not going to lend advice — I'll leave that all to you.
Here then are the woes of Kim, a single parent who is at her wit's end.
My life has exploded with craziness. I am 26, a single mom (again) going through a dissolution of marriage from my husband (not my son's father).
My husband kept everything, the house (currently in foreclosure) and furniture, his paid off car, the pets, etc. I kept my son and his belongings, my second hand dresser (older than me) my bed and books and my new car with a slightly hefty car payment (just under $300/mo). Everything else I own is second hand. I'm happy with this decision. I miss my house (I made it a home) but I'm happy with my 2 bedroom apartment. I removed myself from a very unhappy situation and with the support of my friends and family I've found independence and happiness.
My mother is disabled (brings home $800 a month after her medicare cost) I help her out as much as I can and in exchange she gives me free babysitting for various times. My son is 7, is very active (soccer, baseball, cub scouts, etc) has many friends and is the love of my life. I give him an allowance of $10 a month which is split between spending, saving (for college), charity, and saving for a long term goal (currently a vacation next year). He also receives spare change and sometimes dollar bills from my wonderful family which he is awesome about saving for his long term goal or giving to charity.
I've taught my son what my parents did not, money management. I'm still trying to teach myself. This year was especially crazy as my sister is getting married. I spent about $1,000 on the wedding (I'm a bridesmaid).
I currently work 2 jobs (1 full time and 1 part time), I coach soccer, I am involved in my sons' scouting activities (mostly planning/helping at pack mtgs), and I have just started dating a very wonderful, responsible man.
My problem is I feel like I don't know where to start. I gained a lot of unwanted weight during my marriage, the accumulated debt feels like a dead weight which I'm ALMOST done paying off but can't seem to get rid of the last little bit, I've saved quite a bit but have also spent a majority of my savings due to unexpected expenses, I've neglected my mental health (I'm diagnosed bi-polar and depression) because I can't seem to squeeze time and money for therapy sessions ($25 co-pay per 50 min visit), my teeth are in bad shape due to past bulimia/lack of insurance problems. How would I prioritize my and my sons needs/wants?
My sons teeth are in OK shape, mostly needs 1 cavity filled but the other 2 cavities are in teeth that will fall out very soon (doesn't make sense to fill them). Otherwise his activities just seem to nickel and dime me to death. My boyfriend and I planned a vacation before we started dating and we were just friends. He gave me the deal of a lifetime and I took it with the support and well wishing of friends and family. We are now dating and he doesn't understand that I don't want him to pay for everything, even if I'm struggling. I have a need to accomplish things on my own, I don't want him to rescue me every time I make a mistake financially.
I have a separate vacation fund with Smarty Pig, a savings account linked to my checking account which is used as a small emergency fund (for expenses I forget about) and am waiting until after my sis' wedding to start a Smarty Pig emergency fund that I won't be able to touch as easily. I promised my son we would take another family vacation next year and I feel that I could swing it if I pinched my pennies harder.
I guess my question is how do I prioritize my life? How would a normal (i.e. an individual who doesn't feel like they are drowning) put their priorities? I've always put everyone else first, mostly I had to because I was a young single mom and relied on others to help me out so I felt like I owed them everything.
- Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster?
- Do I break my promise to my son and not go on vacation?
- Do I put everything on the back burner except my therapy and see if going back helps me feel better?
- Do I throw my budget out of whack and get a personal trainer so I can feel better (no self discipline which is a HUGE problem)?
- I've cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?
- I don't want to put so much of my life and myself first that I forget my son or my boyfriend. Am I being stupid by not wanting help?
I do accept help for certain things that I feel guilty about (my dad pays my car insurance, I don't pay my dad for babysitting but I pay my mom, etc). I'm intelligent, I'm better off now than I've ever been in my life and I'm happy even under all this feeling of helplessness and overwhelmed. Between both jobs and my child support I gross about $36,000 but I can't really identify where about $8,000 a year goes. I'm currently tracking my spending in Excel to figure it out. (And by the way, I'm considering quitting my second job simply because I miss my kid!)
What advice can you offer me? I need to hear the truth from an objective party, no matter how gruesome it is.
Now do you see why I can't reply to every e-mail I receive?
Kim's situation sounds overwhelming. When I try to think of advice I could give her, it all sounds facile or mean. (“Yes, cut the cable TV. Use that money for one of the goals that matters to you!”) Or it sounds like a cop-out. (“Seek the advice of a trained professional!”) Plus, there's a part of me that wants to offer to contribute money to her Smarty Pig account because I feel like she needs it more than I do.
But none of that is really constructive.
So, dear readers, this week I'm not going to offer my customary response to the “ask the readers” question. Instead, it's all going to be your advice.
What should Kim do? Where should she set her priorities? How much help should she accept from others? What can she do to solve her problems herself? If you were in her situation, where would you start?
Author: J.D. Roth
In 2006, J.D. founded Get Rich Slowly to document his quest to get out of debt. Over time, he learned how to save and how to invest. Today, he's managed to reach early retirement! He wants to help you master your money — and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you reach your goals.
This question was just in the Reader Mailbag on The Simple Dollar on Monday (essentially word for word).
I don’t have any real advice for her other than to wish her luck.
I also noticed that this letter appeared in The Simple Dollar this week.
Cut out cable-you won’t miss it and it’s not a priority compared to the other things you’re dealing with.
1) go to therapy. Your mental health is of utmost importance to you and the child who depends on you.
2) I’m not sure how much you’re saving for a vacation, but cut that as much as you can. You don’t have to go someplace expensive for a vacation – go camping. Kids love it and it’s cheap. Get the equipment from craigslist and freecycle.
3) don’t quit the second job if you can help it. I know it sucks to not be able to spend that time with the kid, but if you’re already financially strapped, this will make it worse.
4) sell the car. $300 a month is a huge chunk of change. You should be able to find something for half that price, if not less. Look for something used, and concentrate on low price and low mileage. Doesn’t matter what kind of car it is as long as it is reliable (and low mileage is the best indication).
5) seriously evaluate how much you’re giving you mother. Is there anyone else who could help out with her bills? Sounds like you have enough problems without taking on hers.
Good luck. I think you’re doing the right thing by not letting your boyfriend pay for everything.
“I have a need to accomplish things on my own”
You are not accomplishing things on your own. You are accepting help from relatives and you have debts in the form of loans or credit cards. This is accepting help from strangers. The thing about family and friends is they don’t charge you interest. You should not feel shame in accepting help from someone close to you, because that is what family and friends are for. To help you when you are down, (the best of friends always will), whether it is emotionally or monetarily or just to give you a drive somewhere. The thing that may help when someone offers to help is to draw up an agreement on paper stating how much is borrowed and what minimum payments you will make. If someone can lend you enough money to get rid of all or most of your current debt you can pay it off quicker since your payments back to your friend will go all to the principle.
Well my general advice is to let your family help you right now. You need their help and in the future you can return the favor. Accept the help, manage the guilt by recognizing that you will help them later on when you are more stable.
I would put your mental health first, spend the money to get on medication, get the therapy you need before any other financial commitments. If you don’t have your mental health you will not have the energy or the mental focus to attend to the other issues.
I would scrap the vacation, maybe do a staycation if you feel you really must honor that promise to your son. But it doesn’t sound like you have the money or the energy to put towards a vacation.
You don’t need a personal trainer, start small by walking once a week for a half hour, pick a day maybe Sat. or Sun. and put on your shoes and walk. Once you have walked once a week for a couple of weeks, see if you can add a second day. Thereafter a third day. Walking is good/free excercise and something easy (easy is good at this point). Walking is both good for the body and good for your mental health.
Make the important tasks, your mental and physical health, a priority.
Here’s how I’d look at it:
1) Decide who/what is the most important to you. I’m gonna assume your son is the most important person to you.
2) Since your son is completely dependent on you, take the steps necessary to make yourself healthy. This way, you can provide for him as effectively as possible.
3) Separate needs from wants. Yeah, it’s trite but true. Mom’s cell phone HAS to take a back seat to more pressing concerns right now. Cable TV is a luxury, really. A trainer is another luxury — but maybe a group class would get you going with personal fitness for a more reasonable price. Can you plan the promised vacation with minimal budget? Can’t be Disney–but maybe you can borrow some camping gear, or couchsurf in an interesting city within reasonable driving distance from your home.
4) Ease up on the guilt. You can only do the best you can. The choices you make AREN’T going to be perfect. But DO make some choices and move on. Don’t second guess… just do.
Get your teeth fixed (fillings). There is proof that “letting teeth go” is very bad for heath overall. Contact a dentist and set up a schedule of payment (and I despise dentistry).
Get to a mental health professional.You are convinced you need one- do it.
Let your son be your personal trainer. Seven year olds think their mothers are beautiful and will do anything to help her. They also love charts and graphs and get excited over the smallest things.
Make your vacation with your boyfriend and son something close to home- camping in the backyard. Kids do not need to go to Disneyland to enjoy your company. Seven year olds tend to like to do anything you like to do. Even having a long weekend where he is the center and you plan cool activities. My family was pretty wealthy growing up and vacations were rarely taken outside of the state. We used our scout skills and played in the parks near our house.
Don’t worry about your dad. If he can afford it- he probably would be insulted if you told him you would pay him for babysitting. I would take care of my grandson in a heartbeat if he lived near by. Living without family help is definitely a new thing in the development of humans. Personally, I think it is a bad development.
Your mom = a family plan on your phone?
Learn to say no to fund raisers- or send your child out to the neighborhood. I have several kids I “support” in scouting and sports. I don’t mind. There are lots of “no kids at home” people like me.
I understand your not wanting help—-BUT—-when it comes to kid expenses you should accept it. And if you BF wants to go on vacation and wants you along- let him gift it to you for your birthday or Christmas. BUT, make sure you take exactly the amount of cash you desire to spend.
As far as your sister’s wedding- OW! You are spending more than many people spend on a wedding itself. CALM DOWN. You do not have to prove to people you are doing great.
$36,000 is not a million- but we have lived on it. You can too!
I feel that I have read this question elsewhere…
Anyway, at this point in your life you can only focus on your needs. Vacations, weddings, cable, and helping out mom should not even be on your radar.
Getting therapy and meds is your number one priority. Next, is visiting the dentist. You can check out dental schools or speak with local dentists to get estimates and make payment arrangements.
As far as the weight gain–make healthier food choices, eat less, and start a simple walk/jog routine. The solutions are easy it is the implementation that is difficult.
Maybe you could live with your mom for a while until you are more stabilized financially. I would also check out Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover book from your local library and start to implement his plan. You need to tell your money what to do and start living on a budget.
Just remember you cannot help others until you help yourself.
Where Kim and her mother help each other out so much, could they share a place short-term? making a stipend less necessary and babysitting easier?
By all means, shut off the cable and take a walk when you would otherwise sit down and watch tv. Don’t try to solve all your problems (i.e. your weight) at once. Focus on your mental health. Perhaps a bi-weekly session rather than weekly? Ask your doctor/therapist for a phone call during the off weeks at a reduced rate? Surely a responsible caring professional would work with you to provide the affordable care you need.
Vacation – cancel if it is not already paid for. Explain it to your son and try to do several day trips to local attractions of his choice instead.
Hope this helps.
Wow, that’s a tough one. You seem to think and also do a lot about your situation. This is good.
I would scratch the vacation, if you can explain this to your boyfriend and maybe do just a few long weekends instead? Re your mother, have you discussed this hith her? Maybe she will accept if you don’t pay her cell phone bill until you are debt free? Vacation with son is a tough decision. Is it possible to do it cheaper? Or your new boyfriend paying part of it if he is going there with you?
I’d definitely NOT pay a personal trainer. I second the suggestion to walk. But I personally find it difficult to exercise if I’m not doing it every day. Maybe walking for ten minutes every day would be a good start. Walking also usually helps depressed people. I don’t know if it will help you in your mental condition though. I realize changing eating habits is difficult for a lot of people but I would also look into it. My rule of thumb is, if you want to lose weight, you cannot eat anything which tastes sweet. No exceptions (unsweeted fruit in small amounts is allowed). I’ve seen too many overweight people who “cannot lose weight even if trying” but eat cakes for lunch, “just as a little treat, it’s nothing really”. Healthier diet may also be cheaper, see Jakob at earlyretirementextreme.
I’d cut the cable TV, does it really contribute so much to your life? Watching TV usually makes me depressed but it may cheer you up, I don’t know.
And get your son’s teeth fixed, this may become much uglier later. I’d try to focus on things which are necessary to keep you running. Especially you (mental) health.
In any case, good luck, you seem to have what you need to work this out, maybe just a little luck is missing.
After two failed marriages, you’re already back at it? This probably won’t be popular advice, but it sounds like right now you could do yourself a great service by focusing on yourself and your son. You don’t need to be with a man to be complete. Learn to make yourself happy and be happy with who you are, get your life in order, and then add a man into the equation.
Also, you say that both you and your son have cavities and you’re feeling overweight. I’m going to guess you guys drink a lot of soda. Stop that immediately and it’ll save you future money you’d spend at the dentist and help you lose weight.
I hear you. I’ve been in the same sort of merged problems becoming a perfect storm. But with no kid! You impress me.
My advice. Get with the exercise. It will help with the mental health. But don’t go with the personal trainer – at your (and my) budget level, you need to go it alone. Find a friend willing to walk with you every morning. Or… make your kid your trainer. Find a book with soccer exercises and come up with a routine to do, combined with a fast walk. If you got a good one going, you could easily start a larger parent/child workout group.
Can you put your mother’s cell phone on your family plan? That would probably help some. I know from friend’s that kid’s activities are all too often run by wealthier people, who don’t understand that some people can’t just fork out money unplanned. I’d bring it up at some sort of meeting – my friend brought it up in terms of budgeting, that she was trying to teach her kids about money, and wanted the costs to be known so they could save. Then work on whittling down the costs and/or coming up with some sort of sliding scale fees.
I’d also give your son an important lesson in planning – tell him that you are saving for a vacation – and that you will have a vacation that costs as much as you have been able to save. My ex-in-laws do that. They stay home from work for the week and plan as many activities as they can afford, mostly day trips. There are probably low cost things to do nearby that will add lots of good memories. Good memories are the purpose of vacations and planning can get you those without money.
On cable TV, it depends. We cut back in the summer. You might want to cut back for the school year. Would your son be cut off socially without being able to watch the TV shows other kids are talking about?
On the mental health – it depends on how you are feeling. I find it is often easier to work on stuff on my own, with a firm baseline of I get help if I can’t get things together on my own. You could try calling around and seeing if there is someone willing to talk to you about putting a plan together for self care and prioritizing your life. You want to find someone willing to do a short term plan with some followup if you need guidance. Therapy can make things better or worse, depending on if the therapist is trying to help you move on or figure out the root of your problems. Note: this last bit is often more about short term versus long term.
Also, what I have found that really helps is play to your strengths. Really try to up the happiness-added value of the things that are going right. Create pockets of success that you can build on.
I’ll just offer advice on the one piece I know a little about, and simply wish you the best on the rest.
You don’t need a personal trainer. If you’re motivated and have competent supervision, it’s an unnecessary expense.
Join a local Y (they often have income-dependent rates), or even better, find your local Crossfit. Both will usually have some sort of child watch feature.
Most of all, stop eating sugar, processed food and grains. Even whole grains. All of it. Eat more meat and vegetables, fruit and nuts/seeds. You’ll be feeling great in no time.
I sincerely wish you the best.
I’m not a parent, so keep that in mind when reading my response. But when I was growing up, I had a parent who was so absorbed by the stress of providing for the family that it really soured our relationship, and only recently (decades later) have we started to rebuild that relationship.
With that in mind, I’d keep in mind that your son isn’t as interested in receiving *things* from you as he is in seeing you *healthy and happy*. If cutting back on scouting or coaching will afford you the personal time to mentally recover (be it in therapy or in time spent with friends or just relaxing at home), I’d pursue that route. Your son will appreciate the change in environment, and won’t fault you for taking the personal time.
With regards to your finances, I concur with Sam: lean on family. Your mother shouldn’t be such a financial burden to you that it jeopardizes your health or your relationship with your son. As a mother, you priority is the safety of your son, and you can’t provide him financial safety with your mother adding to the budget strain. Supporting her is a noble ambition, but you have greater priorities right now.
Also, I’d keep the second job until your debt is paid off. Cut your mother’s stipend and cell phone bill and use that money to pay down your debt faster. Once the debt is gone and you have a bit of a safety net (for you and your son), then that would be a good time to reconsider your job options.
Finally, don’t feel guilty about taking a vacation, but be sure that you’re taking care of higher priorities first. Your son’s health is priority #1, and your family’s financial security is #2. A “staycation” is a great option, but you shouldn’t be spending money unnecessarily until everything else is in order.
Whatever you can save on your sister’s wedding, do it now. She should be able to understand if a gift needs to come later or if the bachelorette party has to be small and inexpensive if she wants you to come. I know it’s “her” (and her fiance’s) day, but it wasn’t too long ago that weddings were modest affairs, and many still are today.
As long as you have a computer and an internet connection you should be able to replace most of the shows you watch on cable with free online TV. You won’t usually be able to watch shows until a day after they come out, but it will let you cut that expense without cutting down some relaxation time. Hulu is your friend!
Instead of a personal trainer, try an accountability group online or asking a friend. You can also focus on eating more meatless meals. Dried beans (chickpeas, black beans, kidney beans, etc.) are good for your health AND your wallet!
If the soccer doesn’t pay and isn’t your son’s team, I’d cut it out. That will give you some needed time with your boy.
The vacation can be small. If you can find or already own camping gear, it’s often an immensely inexpensive trip. Another option would be driving to your sister’s new place if she doesn’t live close, or another relative. The family trip to a relative’s was a common vacation when people had less money back in the day.
There should be a less expensive way to see a therapist. Talk to someone at your insurance company about options.
As much as you want your son to have opportunities, whatever activities that he has that nickel and dime you to death may not be necessary. You don’t have to be spending money (or at least not a lot) to let kids explore. That soccer team and baseball team, if they cost, aren’t completely necessary. Get books for him from the library – the science experiment ones that show you how to do awesome things with household stuff. Practice kicking a soccer ball with him. Bonus in that is that you’ll be running around outside without a trainer! Grab one of those 1001 (or however) things to do with kids books and spend your spare time doing them with him, or let him look through and select things that he can do.
I do want to say that it’s wonderful that you care so much about your son and boyfriend and want to keep them a priority, especially your son. Just remember that you have to take care of you as well. Being tired at the end of a day is usually good. Being so worn out that you can’t do what you need to do, not good.
Cut the Allowance (when in financial trouble, 7-yr-olds don’t need $$). Cut half of the activities for the little boy (this will help finances AND mental health). Absolutely cut the cable (and spend the non-TV time with the little boy (win/win !!). Cut the help to Mum in half (yes, she helped immensely when you were 17, but are you hurting yourself out of the GUILT ?) I would say “Good Luck”, but “Luck” has nothing to do with it. You sound very very responsible and strong. You’ll do fine if you PUT YOURSELF & LITTLE GUY FIRST.
+1 for Dink, stop bouncing from man to man and work on yourself forna bit.
Hulu is a grate alternative to cable if you have a computer,I pay 35 a month for Internet and that is it. That isn’t even entry level Internet, so you could get it even cheaper.
The money spent on the wedding is a complete waste.
Agree with the info above regarding staccaton, do it, explain to your son why.
Most importantly STOP promising people thing, you cant afford it. Youvdont have the time, money, or energy to do anything more.
Finally, what is your eating situation like? Make it a priority to go out shopping each week, plan your meals, cook them all ahead of time if you must. Ultimatelately this is cheaper and healthier.
take a deep breath.
instead of trying to figure out where the 8K is going… create a budget and work with it. See if you can base your budget off one job. 36K is not a fortune, but we’ve raised more people on less money for years.
If your mother needs your help financially, consider moving in with her and combining some resources to save you both. (instead of stipend and paying babysitting)
Your son is most important, without giving up your own health and ability to care for him. Get your health looked after. $25 for a 50min visit is a great deal.
Go for walks with your boyfriend or pick up an exercise video from the library and $12 on free weights to lift. You do not need the personal trainer. Once your life has balance, paying attention to weight will be easier. Focus on taking care of yourself.
the vacation? sounds like more stress than it is worth.
1. I would make sure I would take care of the therapy and the teeth. That is way more important than vacations.
2. Forget the personal trainer. There are a million ways you can lose weight on your own. Find an exercise buddy instead.
3. Commit to eating healthy, and have your son get involved too so he can learn healthy eating habits and food preparation.
4. You and your mom should set up budgets together. Maybe she can cut back in places too and not rely on you so much. That will help you track your spending too and eliminate things you don’t need. Got a cell phone? Get rid of the landline, that kind of thing. In addition, you can’t account for a large portion of your income. (Probably about 25 percent of it after tax.) That should be a huge red flag.
I’ve been in almost this exact position.
Swallow your pride, take the help. Any help. As much as you can. Think of it like a sink or swim situation–the life preserver is worth it. Don’t drown to save your pride.
I neglected mental health for a while, too. And physical health. It took too long to fix when I went back because of it. Try to take even baby steps for the mental or the physical health if you can, to mitigate that.
Keep your head up. You did it! And you’re going to be fine. I know you will. You’ve proven your strength and that will serve you well for the rest of your life. *hugs*
This exact question was on the Simple Dollar previously. Too bad, I was looking forward to a new post.
Instead of giving your mother money a stipend and her giving you free babysitting, pay her a fair wage for babysitting. It might come out more or less the same, but she won’t feel she’s accepting charity and you won’t feel you’re sacrificing your goals for her. Babysitting will just be a line item on your budget, as it should be.
Instead of getting a personal trainer, try to find someone who needs dog-walking services in the evenings. You and your son can get exercise together, you’ll bring in a little bit of extra income, and because it’s an obligation, you’ll be more likely to do it.
Speaking of budgets, Dave Ramsey’s plan seems tailor-made for your situation. It will help you with prioritizing and repaying debt. Your health and your son’s health are priorities, but look for ways to save wherever you can (e.g., dental school for lower-priced dental services). Vacation is not a priority, but if you must, make it a weekend camping trip instead of an expensive city vacation. Your son will understand.
Finally, this won’t help much but I’m going to go ahead and say it. Shame on your sister for requiring/allowing you to spend so much on her wedding. I’m also curious, because I have a hunch she has more room in her finances than you do, whether she is helping your mother.
1. I would get the therapy. You won’t feel as overwhelmed if you can settle your own mind first.
2. Check to see if there are dental schools nearby. Often they offer free or low cost dental care if you’re willing to sit with a student (supervised by an experienced dentist)
3. Accept help, esp. from your family. They want to help, and gracefully and thankfully accepting help will make them feel good. However, I would probably defer accepting help from the boyfriend until things are a bit more ‘permanent.’
4. I’d be careful about making promises to your son about things like vacation – but if you can’t do it b/c your circumstances have changed, explain that to him. Ask him for ideas on saving money. Kids are surprisingly resilient and supportive if you treat them like they’re part of the solution.
5. If you and your son can walk together, you might get both aerobic benefits and relationship benefits.
6. I would recommend cutting the cable. I admit I’m a bit of a Luddite about stuff like that. But – you might find that it ends up being more of a benefit than a sacrifice.
Good luck. You’ve got a lot of people rooting for you.
That the same exact question was on The Simple Dollar probably just speaks to how desperate this woman is feeling. She probably emailed everybody she could in hopes that somebody would answer. :(
Take care of your own mental health. You’ll never be able to handle all of this if you are feeling depressed and overwhelmed.
Take care of your physical health. It is worth it to get fillings in baby teeth because the decay can reach down to the permanent teeth and cause more problems. Make sure the boy is brushing his teeth twice per day!
Vacation is not a priority. Time with your child is a priority. Take the time you would take for vacation and do something cheap. Go camping. Be a tourist in your own city.
You must track your expenses. If $8k is missing from your yearly budget, then you have a big leak in your budget. You can either dissect your bank statements, and future receipts, or try a cash envelope system. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=cash+envelope+system
Put yourself and your son first. Your boyfriend is second…and I tend to agree with the previous advice that perhaps now is not the time for you to be getting into another relationship. It’s time to stand on your own. (The therapy might help with these kinds of issues, too…)
Kim,
You need to attend to your mental health first. I grew up with my mom being bi-polar and there were times when it was not fun at all. This was 20+ years ago so I think medicine and treatment has advanced some since then. Improving this will pay dividends for you and your son for a long time.
Don’t try to change too much at once, make smaller changes and focus on getting them integrated into your lifestyle and habits.
You can probably let the physical fitness goals slack for a little longer, assuming you are in relative decent health. Again, focus on making change to just a couple of things at a time.
Don’t feel guilty for others wanting to help you out. I am the same way in that I want to be independent and not rely on others (I’d rather use a credit card to pay medical bills than ask a relative for help). Let your boyfriend pay for the vacation, thinking that if the relationship continues you can contribute more financially once you are stable.
Other tips:
1. Cut the cable for the short term. We did this (only paying for the local channels – $12/mo) and got Netflix for another $10/mo. This is better than a $50-80 cable bill per month. You can watch unlimited movies online and you can get DVD’s one at a time. If you’re going to sit down in front of the TV, make it worth your while – do movie nights twice a week with your son.
2. Drop the cell phones if you can, including your mom’s. I’m assuming you’re on a monthly plan with a monthly bill. Then get pre-paid phones. My wife and I pay $80 per year per phone. This can be used for calls, texts and email.
Once you pay down the debt, then you can re-look at cable and cell phones. Do they really add that much enjoyment or happiness to your life?
Another thing to look into is: will dropping the second job lower your gross so you can get assistance from the state for your son or yourself? In NY I think there is a healthy kids program where the state has an insurance program for people that make too much for medicare but can’t afford or don’t have access to insurance. Look into it. All those taxes you pay are for programs like that and it sounds like you have legitimate needs.
Good Luck.
Forget the personal trainer and quit your second job. Find a few families to start your own dog walking service a few days a week. Take your son along with you and spend some quality time with him. He’ll be out of the house before you know it. Savor every minute until then. You have the rest of your life to work.
I echo the advice to drop the boyfriend. Get your own life together before you start dating again. You are clearly overwhelmed with your life, yet you’re dedicating time and energy to someone who’s not family and not your son? Your son is picking up on your wacked out priorities – he can tell that you aren’t putting him first. You don’t seem to have the mental energy to build a relationship so let that go for now.
Spring for the therapy. Your own mental health/peace of mind is priceless.
Bail on the vacation. Explain it to your son. Let it be a lesson for him. Disappointment is a part of life and he might as well get used to the idea that plans have to change sometimes.
How much is the cable? I’d cut it down to basic, but not necc get rid of it entirely.
There’s a lot of good advice on here, so I won’t repeat it, but one additional thought I had is that you should check with your local public health dept to see if they have a dental clinic and if they can help you. Our town’s health dept has one specifically for children. It is important to care for your son’s teeth, even the baby ones.
Like everyone else, I think health is the first thing. Bipolar disorder is not something to mess with.
What do you watch on cable? I’d cut it and make good friends with the public library. You can get videos of movies, TV shows, etc – ones that you can watch with your son and make that even more time spent together.
If spending time with your son is important (and it is), you can look for ways to exercise with him. How about learning to cook with him so you can eat more healthfully? A simple vacation – to a nearby state or regional park, camping in the backyard or in a neighbor’s backyard since it sounds like you’re renting an apartment, a day in a nearby city, etc – would be great for a kid.
I’m with everybody else – your own health and your child’s well being need to come first. Dating can wait. Learn to be on your own first.
I agree with so much of what other have said above.
I’d like to add, cutting the cable TV could save you a bundle, and could be a wonderful change for your son as well as for you. You could help your son learn to deal with his “down time” in healthy ways: reading (library books!); being creative; interacting with you, grandparents, others; spending unstructured time outdoors; cooking; …and the list goes on and on. You’d be giving yourself this gift as well. Also, eliminating TV from your life, or at least reducing the time you spend with it, will get you and your son away from advertising which is designed to make us want things we shouldn’t have or can’t afford.
I also strongly agree with the other posters who recommended that you make the counseling and dental work a priority. Taking care of these things will help you get your finances and life on track and the dental work especially will save you a TON of money in the long run.
Take care of yourself first! If you’re not healthy (physically, mentally, or emotionally), you can’t take care of your family to the best of your ability.
While I can’t talk to the specifics of most of your spending, the one I can say something about is the personal trainer. There are a couple of websites out there that are free. One is sparkpeople.com and the other is myfitnesspal.com. I have an account on both but find that I prefer My Fitness Pal. Both let you track what you’re eating for a calorie count as well as your exercise. Both also have forums and blogs that can be used as a support network. I lurk on the forums there since I don’t have a lot of weight to lose but from reading about other peoples’ experiences, mostly it’s making a commitment to move more through the day and making better eating choices that will help the most in taking the weight off.
Folks, I have no control over whether people send their questions to both me and Trent. Though I read The Simple Dollar, I don’t read the mailbags, so I’m never going to notice a duplicate. Even so, the audiences of the two blogs are different. There’s a lot of overlap, sure, but it’s no big deal if both of us run the same question.
Wow. This was painful to read and I can see why JD was unsure of how to respond. I am by no means any kind of expert, and I don’t want to seem unkind, but here is my advice for this reader.
1.) Fix health first. If that means no boyscouts, no trainer, no cable, do it. There is NOTHING more important than your son’s health and yours. And a previous commentor is correct–dental neglect of any kind will not only become a painful problem, it is an extremely COSTLY problem when left unattended. The fact that you are even considering discussing vacation while your son needs dental work strikes a bit of a chord with me.
2.) If you can’t afford it, DON’T DO IT. That probably means you can’t afford a trainer. You can’t afford a vacation. You can’t afford to pay for your mother’s cell phone plan. You definitely can’t afford to be paying $1000 for your sister’s wedding. This does not mean someday soon you’ll be able to, it just means that right now, you just can’t.
You are paying or planning to pay for things that are not priorities and working two jobs to do so (which you have mentioned makes you unhappy).
3.) I absolutely agree with a previous commentor who stated physical activity is good. Great, in fact. Instant mood booster. Try running. Cheapest workout there is–put on some clothes and sneakers, walk out the door, and, well, run. Let your son ride his bike/scooter next to you, or just run next to you. Or even time you. He can easily participate with you. The next day, run some more. In a few months, you should see a decrease in your pant size. No two ways about it.
4.) Keep reading and learning. There are a billion people who frequent this blog with fantastic advice, much of which has helped/inspired me along the way–check around and see what other people are doing to better their situations and learn from this.
I won’t comment on the boyfriend thing as you asked for financial advice. I wish you the very, very best of luck in figuring everything out, and I hope you got some good feedback from all the commentors on here.
Some great advice here. I would focus on identifying one or a few things at a time that you can cut/tackle and your mental health. Instead of worrying about solving all of your problems, find a few to focus on. Once those are resolved, find a few others. Start with the small, or easy, ones. Then work your way. You have time.
With each expense – and each question (like the vacation, for example) – as yourself “do we NEED this” “is there a better way” and “is there a cheaper alternative.” I think those questions often find some wiggle room.
Best of luck and sorry for what you’re dealing with.
No one here can dictate your priorities. In fact, you probably already know what they really are, but it is easier for you to ask others than to slow down, take a couple of hours, and write out what they are and how you will approach them. Make a date with yourself one evening this week, get a nice pen and notebook, turn on some quiet music in a cozy place and give yourself 2 good undistracted hours to carve out your priorities and create a plan.
* Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster?
Maybe. By giving her a monthly stipend, you have, to a certain extent, made her expenses your expenses. If she needs some help to eat or to keep in modest housing, by all means. help out. If she’s being frivolous (probably not too likely at the income you quote,) then you have no responsibility to fund that. I’m not making accusations here, just pointing out the obvious. As for the cell phone, if she already has a home phone then she likely doesn’t really need a cell phone. (It’s hard to realize they didn’t even exist for the general population 10 years ago.) If she has no home phone or you feel she needs a cell phone for emergencies, then a prepaid cell phone can be had for around $10-$15 per month. (T-Mobile at least used to have a pay $100 for a year of service and 300 minutes plan.) Finally, if possible, your sister should be sharing this expense with you (she may already do this.) The cost of caring for your mother should not fall on you alone.
* Do I break my promise to my son and not go on vacation?
Find a way to take an inexpensive vacation. Working two jobs, the time off will probably be good for you as well as him. My go-to choice for this is to go camping, and if he’s in scouts, then this is likely something he would enjoy. A camping trip will likely cost $200 or so for 2-3 days, mostly on food, but can be a lot less than other choices. Borrow any equipment you don’t already have from someone in his scout troop. Another good choice can be a driving vacation where you stay with relatives in another part of the country. The expense here is higher, but avoiding air-fare and hotels can save a lot of money. The time off required may be a bigger problem than the cost of the vacation itself.
Depending on your son’s age, a way to make this more fun can be to have HIM plan the vacation. Give him a budget (slightly less than you actually have to spend on the trip) and a date and let him figure out what to do. My father and I did this once, and it was a lot of fun. It was also probably the worst sunburn I’ve ever had when I forgot to pack sunscreen and we hiked Guadalupe Peak in the middle of summer… ouch! :) You’ll need to help him identify costs he may have missed (food on the road, gas, etc.) and help him estimate those so that he can stay under budget.
* Do I put everything on the back burner except my therapy and see if going back helps me feel better?
I deleted a detailed discussion of therapy here and will simply give some generic advice. Wisely spending money on your health is a good investment. Talk about costs and alternatives with your health care provider. Fewer (or shorter?) therapy sessions or different choices of medications can get you nearly identical results with significantly lower cost. Doctors usually aren’t used to this level of shopping and may resist, but force the issue. Get them to at least discuss alternatives and why they recommended the choices they did. “It’s what I usually prescribe” is NOT an answer here, the key is “why?” They should be able to do this at a level you can understand. Ultimately you and your health care provider may decide to follow their initial recommendations or you may decide to make some changes to their initially recommended treatment in order to reduce costs.
Specifically for therapy, your provider should at least agree that some therapy is better than no therapy, and show it by not brow-beating you about not coming as often as they would like every time you do come. This doesn’t mean they can’t occasionally recommend more sessions, but they should respect your choice to set a rate you feel you can afford that is getting you sufficient results. In our culture it’s easy to forget that as the “patient” we are really the CUSTOMER in health care.
* Do I throw my budget out of whack and get a personal trainer so I can feel better (no self discipline which is a HUGE problem)?
NO. Get a workout buddy. Find someone else you know with similar workout goals and agree to work out together. Schedule a regular time to meet. If they don’t want to go, MAKE THEM. Have them agree to do the same to you. This costs nothing and can be just as effective as a personal trainer.
* I’ve cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?
Yes. :( If there isn’t something good on broadcast TV, do something else. Most people spend more that $40 per month on cable TV. That’s nearly enough to get Netflix, pay for low-end DSL broadband internet, and go out to eat once a month. Cable TV is really a very poor entertainment value even when you can afford it. What would you do with an extra $30-$40 or more per month?
I also can’t resist mentioning that the local library is FREE. :)
* I don’t want to put so much of my life and myself first that I forget my son or my boyfriend. Am I being stupid by not wanting help?
This is tough to evaluate. If you need financial help to live in the short term, take it. However, if you’re close to being on your feet, my suggestion is to only accept help for 1-time expenses, preferably luxuries. The thing about help is the goal is to not need it, even when you do choose to accept it. If you already don’t need it (say, taking a trip together, where the alternative is simply not to go) then let him pay, if he volunteers. If there is no alternative, then don’t accept the help. The idea here is that the only way to achieve long-term independence is to know how to live on what YOU make.
I had a friend when I was just out of college with significantly more money than my wife and I had. When he wanted to do something expensive like going out to eat, I would usually suggest something less expensive, like getting together and cooking at home. Sometimes he would agree to my suggestion. Sometimes he would stick to what he wanted, and I would choose whether to go or respectfully decline (more often declining than accepting the invitation.) Occasionally, he would respond with “I really want to go, I’m paying.” I didn’t feel guilty at all accepting this. This was him choosing what he wanted to do and accepting all of the expenses involved. This was NOT him giving me a handout, as I could just as easily have simply declined the invitation.
You sound like you’re almost there but feeling overwhelmed. Calm down. You can do this. :) The hardest part (and when you know you’re really there) is getting to where even the unexpected expenses are under control and don’t feel overwhelming. Don’t be too upset that you’re not there yet, but work to get that emergency fund funded again, as it sounds like it did its job. :)
I have to agree with previous posters. 26 and two failed marriages? It’s time to stop and focus on yourself and your son.
I too have a 7 year old boy (and an almost 5 year old). I think one of their most favorite things is to go for a hike or bike ride with us. These are both free and excellent exercise, and involve time with your kid.
A lot of dental schools do low cost dental care — I’d definitely suggest checking that out (I’ve done this myself — they did good work). Is it possible to find a therapist with a sliding scale? Bipolar and depression aren’t something to ignore — it’s not good for you or your son.
We do not have cable — there are tons of things available for free online, we got an antenna that picks up local (HD) channels and works great (for about the price of ONE month of cable), and you can always get movies out of the library for free.
Planning meals not only helps your budget but makes you pay more attention to healthy choices (if you haven’t seen it, this is a great post: http://cheaphealthygood.blogspot.com/2009/02/1-chicken-17-healthy-meals-26-bucks-no.html).
I’m also a fan of the staycation. The kids love it. The point is not working and spending time together.
Finally, reading Dave Ramsey changed our lives.
Check it out of the library (I did). I think it will totally change how you feel about money and make you really pay attention to where you’re spending and what you really want and need to do.
And the best thing for me about Ramsey’s book were the stories of people. What they actually DID. And if they can do it, so can I. And I am. And you can.
First priority: get the treatment you need for your mental health issues. That will make everything else easier to sustain. Call around and see if you can get seen at a University Hospital clinic or get some help with the costs.
Second: take care of your life with your son. That may not mean doing expensive things (like expensive vacations)– you may be able to do something like local camping or even hiking/park visiting as a vacation with such an active son. Find out what free things are available to you. I know from personal experience that telling your kid that this year, we need to tighten our belts so next year we can do more is ok, if you follow through on it.
Third: pay off your debts so you can get down to one job. Working two jobs takes a lot out of anyone, let alone a parent.
Set reasonable limits on what help you will accept from your boyfriend, but don’t be ashamed to let him help out if he makes more than you– or let him take you out on the town occasionally if he can afford it.
You could try unplugging the tv for a few weeks to see if you could live without cable. I know it’s hard to manage without the downtime that some minutes in front of the boob tube provides– but it also sucks time.
“I’ve cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?”
Seriously? It is TELEVISION! Get rid of the cable and get your health fixed ASAP (psychiatrist, dentist and some zero dollar exercise).
I’m guessing if you do this, everything else will fall in line AND you won’t feel so overwhelmed in general.
And I know this part won’t be popular: You may want to get away from your family. Something about your story makes me feel that you do not have a healthy relationship with your parents.
The first thing that jumped at me was the spending of $1K in a wedding. Shocking, considering your needs. That’s where the money went most recently. That’s the equivalent of 40 therapy sessions at the price you pay.
First thing is take care of the bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder can cause (among other things) out of control spending, so yes, everything is connected. Your therapy is very reasonably priced, $25 a session is great. Don’t waste that opportunity and stick to it.
You seem to be covered in the mental health area, but for people who can’t afford health insurance, community health centers are the way to get affordable therapy. Also in some cases, a place for dental health: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/on-health-and-money/2009/4/15/6-ways-to-get-affordable-mental-health-services.html
Second, maybe your kid can start earning his allowance with chores or a lemonade stand. Not sure about paper routes these days– less people read newspapers, and routes seem to require a car, but it might be worth checking out. Then again you already have 2 jobs might be too much.
I wouldn’t charge my mother money but that’s the way some people do things. I’d maybe share expenses with her instead? Not sure if you live in the same house but cooperation is always helpful. E.g., she could run your household while you’re out working, etc. Then again, this might be culturally unacceptable for some people who grew up in nuclear families, but extended families are better and stretching the money. If you don’t want to live with her: I’d rather “tithe” my money to my own parent rather than give it to some megachurch.
About the weight: you don’t need a personal trainer to lose weight. That’s a bad idea. All you need is to do cardio for 30 minutes to an hour a day, then 30 minutes 3 times a week for maintenance. Start slowly and skip a day and increase gently. Get some books from the library, find ways to vary your exercise (cross-training) so you don’t injure yourself, and you’re good to go. I’ve lost 40 lbs in recent months by cutting out starches and doing cardio & weights. I go to a local university gym (cheap membership), because I like the machines better than running, and I do a little bit of weights. But you can learn to lift weights from books. As a whole, I’m saving money by not ordering pizza or eating out anymore. I cook every meal (here’s where your mother could help) and I eat better than I used to (no salt, added fat, sugar, starches). If self-discipline is a problem, therapy is the place to address it.
I’m going to guess, because you are such a busy mom, that you eat a lot of fast food/ carry out/ delivery/ microwaveable food, and if I can continue with the wild guess, I’m going to say this is where a good chunk of your money is going, and where your extra weight is coming from. Get some free (library) books on health and nutrition, and cook your main meals on weekends so you can eat healthy throughout the week. And your mom could help, yes? You help her, she helps you, it goes both ways, everybody saves money and gets healthier.
Finally, the vacation can take a hike. If you’re prioritizing a vacation over your teeth and your kid’s teeth and your mental health, you’re doing it wrong, very very wrong. Same with the damn wedding. So the pattern seems to be that you are making big expenses on low priorities and neglecting small expenses on high priorities. You should be saving in a health savings account, not a vacation fund. Survival first, everything else second!
So yes, get to therapy, quick. And keep track of your expenses. Start with a notepad that you take with you everywhere. Write *everything* down, and prioritize.
There’s a lot to cover in your email and this came out very unorganized, but I hope you find some useful ideas…
If you have a DVD player, you can borrow some tv series and movies at the library and that might help alleviate the need for Cable. If you have internet, you can watch a lot of shows online, too, but you might not have that. But I don’t think cutting out television will magically make all your financial troubles go away. I think you’re already on the right track and you know what needs to be done but the problem is that you are overwhelmed.
For this reason, I think the mental health comes first. If you are taking care of your mental health, you probably won’t feel the need for a personal trainer, you will find the motivation you need.
At this point, I recommend seeing a psychiatrist, not a psychologist or therapist. Therapy takes a long time and you need help now. It’s hard to take the initiative to do cognitive behavioral therapy when you are too depressed to be motivated and on top of that have so much else to worry about. So I think you should seek medication, even if you just need something mild like wellbutrin, it will help you. But for most meds, you should wean yourself off it and never stop cold turkey (so don’t run out).
If you want therapy, there may be free group therapy sessions in your area for depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder. The place to ask about that might be a local mental health clinic or a therapist, if you know one and you can just call or email for information, explaining that you can’t afford one on one.
Edit: I agree with El Nerdo about the vacation. It may be a more valuable lesson for your son if you explain to him that you can’t afford a vacation this year, and that X and Y take priority over going on a vacation. He may be disappointed but he will learn a good lesson about money. And maybe you can plan something fun to do locally, like a (discounted or coupon-fueled) trip to the zoo or a museum.
Edit2: I’m not suggesting a campout or cookout because if you don’t already have the gear, that would be very expensive.
Of the choices Kim put up, here is the order in which I would implement them, no joke. Basically, she was asking for confirmation on things she already knows. She has to take this list and then do them, she can re-prioritize in between steps, but she should probably do most of them.
1. Cut cable. Do it. It takes less effort than you know. You can fill the time with free books from the library, trust me. This is the easiest thing to do, so it comes first.
2. Go back to therapy. You will probably have to cut costs elsewhere in order to go.
3. Get a personal trainer. See this as therapy. How can you handle life without taking care of yourself? If you think the cost is extravagant, get a trainer to train you once a week and exercise at home with your son at least twice a week, since you no longer can depend on TV to entertain him or you.
4. Depending on the way money is landing after 3), decide on vacation/no vacation. Break your promise to your son if you cannot afford it. If you can afford to go on a smaller vacation with him, do it, but remember that your situation is tenuous. Do you want to end up in a homeless shelter with him? What do you think is more traumatic?
5. Pride is an interesting thing. I’ve met homeless people with numerous interesting ailments who refuse help of any kind. I’ve met recently college grads who receive aid from both parents and the government. You have to decide on what kind of help you’d be willing to accept, and then try to get it. For instance, if you want to get a different childcare option, but can’t afford it, you could ask friends to pitch in or look for free childcare options. If you’re running out of money for food, you can look into WIC and food stamps. The options are endless, you just have to decide on what you can handle emotionally.
6. Telling your mother no: in fact, you should be telling your entire family no with regards to spending on anyone besides you and your son. My wife was unemployed for two years and we struggled on my meager paycheck during that time. We could not afford to go on vacations, or spend large amounts of money on people’s weddings. Now that we can, its great! If we had given extravagantly when we couldn’t have afforded it, there is no way we could spend money on our friends and family now, we could have ended up homeless, bankrupt or worse. Just say no.
Why she must tell you where her acct is? Maybe this is a smarty pig plug
Anyway, there are only two answers:
Increase her salary (schools, tech)
or
Decrease her expenses (cable, car, housing)
I haven’t read any other comments, so sorry if this overlaps anything.
Sounds like your needs and wants are completely overlapped and confused. You want to lose weight and get in shape, but you don’t NEED a personal trainer. Get a workout dvd from the library and start using it.
You don’t NEED cable tv, and you certainly don’t NEED to pay for your mom’s cell phone. You have teeth that need medical attention, it doesn’t matter what’s on tv.
You obviously love your son and want to give him everything. You can’t.
When I was young my parents didn’t have a lot either. I wanted to play hockey but they couldn’t afford equipment, so I played baseball. I don’t resent them for it and I somehow survived. Cut his activities back and take him to the park on the other days. He’ll survive.
And for the vacation – his definition isn’t the same as yours. Explain the situation to him, what your goals are and how you’re going to work together to meet them. Kids aren’t stupid – he’ll get more reward from helping his mom get their lives together than he will playing on a beach somewhere.
As someone else mentioned, I suggest Dave Ramsey. He has the most straight-forward, easy to understand, and aggressive plan of anyone I’ve read. If you have internet you can get a free podcast from him every day – it’s hugely motivating and has lots of good advice.
Best of luck getting in control.
I’m guessing that your diet may be to blame on the weight gain, as most 7 year olds who brush their teeth don’t get cavities unless they are drinking/eating tons of sugar.
A personal trainer will not magically give you self-discipline. Until exercise and diet are a priority to you, you will not see any progress in this area. The same is true of your debt. If you continue making vacations a priority over debt reduction and health costs, your situation will not improve. Get your priorities straight and stick to them–you will see great improvements in your life if you do (lower stress, better health, etc.) and you will set a better example for your son.
I second the idea of moving in with mom and reducing household expesnses. You can also look at your sons activities and see which ones are the most expensive or which ones he values the most and trim them. I have a 6 year old and we constantly re-evaluate which activities she truly enjoys and benefits her–and if she wants to try something new, she has to give up a current activity.
I would probably start by cutting the television expense. The only reason I say this is because I did the same thing and never looked back. I’m a lot more productive than I was last year.
I think it’s great that you don’t want your boyfriend to pay for everything. It says a lot about who you are, and it’s probably why he offers.
Is it possible for you to consider a career change? Depending on where you are, you might be able to find a job that pays better, and you can quit the second job after you pay off your recurring debt and car loan. Once that’s accomplished, You could attend college (assuming you haven’t). Getting the degree will give you the boost you need to become more comfortable financially. Until then, it seems you might be at a salary block, and can’t progress.
Kim –
Give yourself a huge huge hug – you are succeeding in so many ways – being loving, being supportive to so many, and doing great. I get that you feel overwhelmed – wow – give yourself a break. pick one thing – just one and then one more – go slowly and don’t try to do so much at once.
One point on the less financial side of things: I really think that your mental health should be first priority, even if it means scrimping on things your son wants. That might sound terrible, but my mother has bipolar disorder, and when I was a child, I found it very difficult to understand or deal with.
Children are extremely perceptive about their parents’ moods and even if you’re putting on your best face for your son, as I’m sure you are, having a mother who is depressed or acting erratically is confusing and upsetting.
So don’t put therapy in the “being selfish and focusing on me” pile. Have you ever heard the saying that “Cancer doesn’t affect one organ, it affects your whole family”? There’s a lot of hope and effective treatment for bipolar disorder, but the same principle applies.
Of course, look for programs in your area that can give you free therapy.
Good luck!
Definitely get rid of the cable. Simple, easy solution that will free up money for your therapy/medication and for paying down debt.
I have not had cable since I moved out of my parents’ house 5 years ago, and I don’t miss it at all. Hulu has all of the shows that most people watch, so unless you are watching things on HBO or other premium channels, you don’t need cable. Sure, there’s a little delay between when it first airs and when you can watch it, but that’s a minor inconvenience.
Getting rid of cable will help you get in shape too – less time sitting in front of the TV will be great for your weight!
Whenever I see the “bi-polar/depression” thing tossed out casually, that’s a major red flag to me. If you don’t have that under control with therapy, medication, or both, how can you have control over the rest of your life? After all, it can impact your decision-making, your relationships, and your perception of reality. If that is going unregulated (and you indeed have those medical issues), it may be the basis for some poor decision-making.
As a general matter, you shouldn’t be surprised if some people decide to avoid you. Based on your narrative, there’s a lot of chaos in there right now, and not everyone wants to be part of that. Sometimes drama and chaos are choices — sometimes not. As an adult, however, you do have the ABILITY to control your life, but it’s not a foregone conclusion. It takes practice.
I have heard a lot of these types of stories before. And then I end up hearing more of them. From the same people. But everyone is different, or at least has the ability to be different.
1. Cut the vacation. You are doing your son NO FAVORS by going further into debt and struggling to make a vacation. There are other free ways to make fabulous memories until you can afford the vacation.
2. Instead of a gym membership buy a dvd for $10 or $15 that you can use at home. Walk or run around your neighborhood, weather permitting.
3. Tell your sister that you cannot afford to pay as much as you are paying for her wedding. She’s your sister, she will understand.
4. Another reason you can’t take that vacation is because you have actual expenses, like dental and therapy appointments that should be a priority.
5. Your mom is a tough one as she clearly needs your help and reciprocates the help with babysitting. In her case it is a matter living day to day. Your sister’s wedding IS NOT.
6. Your son absolutely does not need to be involvedin everything. Cut it to one thing per season. He won’t miss out.
7. Therapy will help you with #6. It feels like you are overcompensating with your son. There is no need to do so if you live full and happy lives everyday without going in to debt further.
8. Teeth are an emergency. Break open the piggy bank and fix yours and your sons. The longer you wait the more expensive and painful they become. You also need to teach your son to take care of health.
Jill
As a mom, I can relate to one of the major underlying issues here: GUILT. I’m not you, but I would imagine you feel a lot of guilt about a lot of areas. You’re not spending as much time with your son as you’d like. You can’t provide the kinds of things you’d like to be able to, like a fancy vacation. And one of the biggest: you had to rely on your mom as a young mother, and now you feel like you owe her for that and for continuing to provide babysitting services. As someone whose mother also babysits for free, I totally understand.
But here’s the thing. That guilt will paralyze you. You’ll spend too much on things like your sister’s wedding and taking care of your mom because you feel like you owe it to them and you have to prove to them that you’re strong and independent. And you won’t take care of yourself–you’ll spread yourself thin trying to be there for everyone else.
My suggestions:
1. Get yourself into therapy. Go every other week and spend some time thinking about yourself first. Also, get yourself and your son to the dentist–a filling is much cheaper than a root canal.
2. Talk to your mom and see if there’s a way you can help each other. I concur with the family plan option for the cells. See if you guys can budget some things together–buy groceries in bulk, cook meals together so you can spend time with her and your son (and save some money). If moving in together is an option, even short-term, I’d recommend it until debt is paid off.
3. You only mentioned it briefly, but I’d examine the part-time job. How much is it paying? If it’s around minimum wage I’d highly recommend what I did–I got a job working in the nursery at the local Y. I can take my daughter with me and I get a free membership. It’s not a ton of money, but it gives me a little extra without taking time away from spending with my kid. And on days I don’t work I can take my daughter to the nursery and go work out. This has also become my social outlet–my friends are at the gym and expect to see me, making it much harder to skip workouts.
4. Finally, regarding the activities and the vacation. I agree with the others–go camping! Borrow a tent and find a good campsite with a playground, some water and hiking trails. Your son will love it. As far as the activities go, I’d recommend what my parents did–we could participate in one activity at a time. Help your son decide which activities he enjoys the most and let the others go. Once you’re in a better financial situation you can add others back in if he wants.
Good luck to you dear. I’m sure it all seems overwhelming right now, but you are obviously strong and determined to succeed. Just do what you can to take care of yourself–happy mommy=happy kid.
Your son’s needs come first. Then your needs. Then your wants and your son’s wants. Then the rest of your family.
1. Dentist for your son.
2. Dentist for you.
3. Look into SCHIP. Ask about reduced cost options for your health care as well, if there are any in your community.
4. Mental health for you.
5. Keep tracking your expenses.
6. Stop with the sugar and soda. Drink water instead (tea if you need caffeine). It will be better for your teeth and your waistline.
7. Tell your sister that you’re in financial distress.
8. Your mom is giving you free daycare. You need to pay her for it somehow, but maybe not with the stipend you are currently giving her.
9. Nix the vacation. Teeth are much more important. Emergency funds are more important. If you can do a cheap vacation (camping, or a day trip) AND have money for it, then do that. But needs come before wants.
10. Re: Cable. Cut it if you have internet. Keep it if you don’t. 7 year olds don’t need tv, but it sure helps to be able to watch a show from time to time.
Somehow I doubt this person will listen to or get any benefit from all the wonderful advice above.
I sense she knows exactly what’s needed financially and health-wise but is unable to do it for whatever emotional or psychiatric reasons.
It seems only the practice of serious quiet introspection, major outside help, and/or reaching a rock-bottom-disaster point could change her course.
Kim, you are brave to send this letter. Sort through these responses and take what you can handle, and leave the rest for later.
Some suggestions from my own experience, some of which is similar to yours. Perhaps you are already doing some of these but didn’t mention it, if so, good for you:
1. Write down today’s date and call it the first day of your new life, in which you embrace sanity and clarity around money, possessions, time and self-worth.
2. Begin, today, by creating a spending log. Write down each day what you spend, each time you spend it, in a spiral notebook that you carry with you everywhere. This seems unrelated to everything but it isn’t. This task alone helps me to stay in the moment and shows me where my $$$ is really going.
3. Look at your time commitments. Is it necessary to do all that volunteer work? Can you be the helpful mom in only one of those places and trust that other parents will step up in the others? This will give you more flex time between activities.
4. Weight stuff. Take it one day at a time. I have made tiny changes in both my physical activity and my eating that have made a huge difference.
4a. Physical activity baby steps: RIGHT NOW, get up and drink a glass of water, and then immediately leave the house and walk for 15 minutes. don’t change your clothes or shoes or anything. Do it just to look around at the neighborhood and see what is out there. Drink another glass of water when you get back. This always makes me feel better.
4b. Eating baby steps. Today, eat one “green thing,” i.e. something fresh, like a fruit or veggie. It can be a salad or an apple. Consider it a treat. Do this plus the walk daily, but keep it in the One Day at a Time mode.
The goal is not necessarily for the future–i.e. I will feel better in a year when I lose 50 lbs. The goal is for TODAY–I will feel better TODAY when I take a short walk, drink a glass of water, and eat an apple, becuase these things are pleasurable NOW.
5. Counseling. Do it. In addition, find a support group. It sounds like Al Anon might be something you could benefit from. It worked miracles for me. As a result, I became willing to abstain from all dating for one year at the age of 40, while I learned a lot about who I was. Once I learned some things about me, I began to change. I didn’t have to white knuckle it, it just happened when I did the actions that Al Anon suggested. It was miraculous. And wow did the caliber of the men in my life change. Water seeks its own level, so when I was emotionally unhealthy, the men I attracted were also emotionally unhealthy. This might be the greatest gift that you can give your son, is for him to see what a self assured woman is, so that he will be drawn to self assured relationships when he is an adult.
As I did all these things, I found that my ability and willingness to make sound decisions about finances, and life in general, changed dramatically. It wasn’t a miracle cure or a quick fix, but I am a different person.
Peace to you.
If I take a big picture look at things, it sounds like you need to EDIT and simplify your life big time.
First, You’re trying to please too many people (your kid, sister, parents, boyfriend, 2 jobs) and are neglecting yourself. Edit down to your son + yourself (therapy) and add people in as your life gets under control..it’s temporary, so don’t think your totally shutting people out.
Second, you’re trying to juggle way too many expenses. Reducing expenses will be a huge monkey off your back. You’ve listed quite a few want expenses vs need expenses as other posters noted. Again, you can add things back in as you get your costs under control.
Edit, Edit, Edit.
Good Luck.
As someone who is diagnosed with and suffers from depression, my advice is get into therapy NOW! It is impossible to get “a handle” on things when your brain isn’t functioning correctly. Trust me…I know this first hand. THERAPY FIRST!
Once your brain is functioning more normally, the path will be clearer, decisions will be easier, the negative self-talk will diminish, and you will feel less overwhelmed.
Another point, do not promise your child things unless you can follow through. Life can make you change plans and that sucks. However, do not promise your child a vacation “next year” out of guilt, HOPING you will be able to pay for it.
Try Crown Financial. http://www.crown.org/ I have not worked with them directly but have a friend who is a trained counselor for them and has high regard for their service. It’s FREE. And, they can provide with ongoing support and recommendations. There are so many different issues that the writer needs support and followup. The other thing I definately recommend is to slow down on the relationship. The guy may be wonderful and supportive but get your own life in order first before making any commitments or becoming dependent on him. It could ultimately ruin a relationship that could have had the potential to be a dream come true.
Bless your heart Kim, I have prayed for you.
My advice:
#1 Dental care for your son. Your dentist will charge you less if you explain.
#2 Mental health for you. Once you have control over your mental self, I feel sure you will find that you can then exert the necessary control over the rest of your life (finances, eating, exercising, relationships).
#3 I beg you to take a vacation from dating/relationships. This is going to be harsh, but I’m trying to speak the truth in love to you. You have proven that you make bad decisions when it comes to men. You need to fix yourself and the part of you that leads you to these sort of decisions before you date anyone else again. You need to be focusing on your son and your mental health. You don’t have the time or money or energy for dating. I’m sure you will feel lonely, but remind yourself that this is the consequence of the choices you’ve made, and the pain will help remind you of your resolve to be healthy and have healthy relationships.
#4 Does your son’s father pay child support? If not, contact a lawyer and get some. Immediately. There will be free legal help in your county, just contact your county or state bar association.
#5 Once you’ve put your relationship on hold, you won’t want to go on this vacation. Use the money for your therapy visits. It will be like a vacation every week. And some for your own dental care. Again, the dentist will cut his prices for you.
This is just a start, but in my opinion the most important things you can do, and do them all this week. God bless you and your son.
I was a single mom (3 jobs!) with one very young son & I can really relate to your situation. My son is now in college, & I can hardly believe it, time goes so fast! :) & I look back on those years with incredible love and fondness; such great years…okay, here goes:
1. Therapy absolutely first, no question in my mind! — keep yourself healthy & happy for yourself and for your son, otherwise you’ll be no good to anyone. Keep it regular and a part of your life as long as you need it.
2. dentistry — health again: important for both of you
3. Try finding “scholarships” and deals for all your son’s activities…I got all kinds of breaks from pre schools, YMCA, camps, everything — by filling out scholarship applications and/or telling them my situation; ask for it every time, they can always say no, but it doesn’t hurt to ask…it really helped me out.
4. Get a less expensive car…I got rid of my more expensive car and bought a used honda for cash, no payments (no air conditioning! — but I would tell myself that people spend hundreds of dollars to go in the sauna for the same experience! :)
5. Mom’s cell phone has to go for now (explain gently to her and with love & appreciation for all she’s done for you); tell her you’ll start it up again as soon as you’re able to financially.
6. Maybe get creative about vacation ideas; put it off for now — and tell your son that you have to do fun things for awhile in your same city…(I used to give my son a day off school once a month and we’d do a “field trip” in our same town — sometimes just stay home and play hooky, other times a picinic or a day hiking or beach, whatever…he LOVED those days off!) — but, my work schedule worked out with that…don’t know if you can do that; Just think of fun things you can do for less money. Camping is actually great because that way you can keep the promise…But you could run it past your boy and see which he prefers…? just a thought!
7. No trainer — ask the therapist to help you w/ the discipline of it — or make your kid the “trainer” — I liked that idea above…
8. Boyfriend is on the back burner for now…kid is the number one priority…however the boyfriend relationship evolves is secondary. I think a good boyfriend will understand anyway…
9. My one regret is the 3rd job I had…I look back — and wish I had realized how fast time goes…If you can spend more time with your boy, go for it because we don’t get these years back.
I hope this helps. You will look back on these days — omg — I just loved those days! Your son is very lucky to have such a caring and strong Mommy. Take good care. xo
Personal trainers seem like a thing for the rich, not those trying to get rich slowly. Get some air and exercise by walking outdoors with the son after dinnertime. Ditch the cable. Exposure to so much advertising can’t be good for the kid or mom.
Do not entangle your finances with this boyfriend! Do not go on vacation with the boyfriend in lieu of vacation with the son! Keep the promise to him as best you can, whether it’s camping, free museums, a roadtrip to a farm, whatever.
First, how the heck do you manage two jobs, soccer coach, boy scout pack leader, and dating all at the same time? I feel overwhelmed just thinking about. The fact that you do manage all of this tells me that you obviously have self-discipline, motivation, and good intentions.
You say you are diagnosed as bi-polar / depression. If true, and this is clinical depression and actual bi-polar, then you need to be getting treated for this for the sake of your son.
You need to take care of your son first, you second, and everything else third. You are probably gaining weight because you have too much on your plate, and no time to exercise.
Simplify as much as possible. Cut the cable TV, sounds like you are never home anyway. Free babysitting by your mother is probably a net gain no matter what you give her each month(since childcare is expensive). Go on a cheap vacation, there are plenty of them out there. You car payment is way too high, but there probably isnt anything you can do to change that.
I’d say the biggest thing you need to do is take responsibility for your situation. Understand that everything that has happened in your life is because of the choices you made. Not to blame yourself, but to empower yourself. If you make smart choices, then you can lead a better life. Make a budget.
Stop dating. Focus on you and your son, not another man, not on your parents, not on your siblings. You can’t be expected to support others when your own foundation is crumbling. Create your own solid foundation now (fiscally, physically, mentally) so that you may offer support to others in your life in the future.
Just one tip regarding losing weight and exercise. You DON’T need a personal trainer. Join a running club.
1. Membership is inexpensive (mine cost $35 per year, I get free coaching and 5 different training sessions a week, plus I get discounts on 5k races). Much better deal than a gym or personal trainer.
2. You make a lot of friends in a similar situation (that is, trying to lose weight and feel good about themselves) who will help and inspire you. They will give you tons of advice and encouragement, which is what you are looking for. They will also make you get out of bed in the morning! You don’t want to let them down. It worked for me!
3. Running is one of the best forms of exercise. We are natural runners and it is easy – just put one foot in front of another. Start of slow and easy and you will get stronger and go faster. I’ve seen walkers turn in to runners and do very well at local 5k races.
4. It’s an inexpensive sport. Just make sure you have quality running shoes but otherwise, shorts and a t-shirt are all you need (oh, and a running bra!).
5. You will become healthier in general because you will feel strong and energized. You will sleep better and you will want to eat better, which in turn will make you stronger and give you even more energy.
You will definitely lose weight, make friends, and feel a sense of accomplishment after every single run! Having the group support is very important and FREE! In your situation I would recommend it over paying for a personal trainer.
Good luck to you. For future reference, there is absolutely no reason to spend $1,000 on a wedding that is not your own. I have been maid of honor 3 times and a bridesmaid another 3 times.
I am completely upfront with everyone in my life about my financial situation and the true friends would never ask you to go into debt for their wedding. I’ve never spent more than $200 on a dress, $300 on travel (if its out of town), and $50 for a gift – usually I’ve spent less. You just have to have the “I’m so honored to be asked…you know that I’m in financial distress these days and have a limited budget, so please let me know what your expectations are” discussion. Trust me, the happy couple usually wants you involved and can have others foot the bill for the showers if you’re important to them.
I think people here have given you some good advice. My thoughts:
1) See if you and your Mom can live together for a while to save money.
2) Tell your sister that she needs to understand your situation, and that you can’t spend any more money on the wedding.
3) I don’t know where you live, but if there is a Bikram Yoga studio in your area, most of them offer Karma classes on Friday nights, which are by donation only. Most studios will also make a deal with you for reduced fees. Sometimes you can even volunteer to help clean up etc. in exchange for tuition. Yoga would probably really help you both physically and mentally.
I know this has been said, but you must prioritze getting your teeth and your son’s teeth taken care of.
It sounds really crazy, but bad oral health leaves you open to infections, can increase your risk of heart disease, and can wear you down, impacting your depression.
Also when it goes badly, it goes really badly. Dental surgery is costly and not covered fully by a lot of insurance policies, even if you are lucky enough to have dental insurance! You do not want to wait until you are in pain.
Even if you cannot go to the dentist right now, get into the habit of flossing and brushing properly. Investigate dental schools, which may be able to do cleanings and cavity fillings inexpensively. Also talk to the dentist. Many will make payment arrangements.
Secondly, accept help. Let people help you. When you are on your feet financially, you will be able to pay it forward.
And unlike everyone else, I’m going to say Do Not Worry About Your Weight Right Now. Focus on more basic survival issues … your bipolar issues, getting your money under control, dental care. Real weight loss is as hard as quitting smoking.
Instead focus on giving yourself the highest quality food you can currently afford … fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats, avoid transfats and HFCS if you can. You do not even need to go organic or anything like that. Just implement old-fashioned food pyramid-style good nutrition: 3 servings of veggies, 2 fruits, 4 breads and grains, 1-2 meats/protiens, 8 glasses of water a day. Don’t live on snack foods. Don’t skip meals. And go for walks.
Develop fundamental good habits now, and worry about weight loss later.
You don’t need advice. You don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need a fancy vacation, and neither does your son.
You need to take a deep breath, be honest with yourself, and then start figuring out what you really do need. Everything else will follow from that.
I’m sorry if this sounds mean or too vague but it is neither. You’re spending too much time and energy looking outside yourself for the answers but the answers about what you need are in you. You have to learn to block out the noise.
Regarding your sisters wedding – you should not be spending $1000 or anything close on it. If you can’t afford to go, let her know ASAP. If she really wants you there, she can pay for the plane ticket, dress, etc. I think its crazy that people expect their bridesmaids to pick up those expenses for their wedding.
Also, if you sister is spending $$ on a non-necessity (wedding) – why isn’t she helping your mom instead of you?
I also agree with the guy jumping. Do things on your own and with your son for a while (a year? maybe longer) and get your own life straight before trying to juggle another persons emotions and issues alongside your own.
If I were in this situation I would cut everything single expense that was not absolutely essential to my son’s survival and my own. That means no more cable, no car payment (I would sell the car. Depending on the quality of public transit in your area, I might not even buy a replacement used car), no supporting your mother, no vacation fund, and no adding new expenses on, such as the personal trainer or therapy sessions. I would not quit the second job just yet. I would also accept help from anyone offering, including the new boyfriend. This may feel uncomfortable (I’ve been there. It took almost a year out of college for me to find a job. I had to funnel all my savings into making student loan payments. It made me uncomfortable to have my boyfriend pay for everything. But 3 months after I started my job my boyfriend was laid off. And I got to repay his kindness). But so long as the help you are accepting is within reason (i.e. I wouldn’t see him paying for your vacation entirely himself as reasonable help) it is not taking advantage of his generosity. I know this seems really drastic. And it won’t have to last for very long. As soon as you have gotten back on track financially you can start adding expenses back in. First I would say is the therapy. And then with a clear perspective you can assess what expenses are important enough to add back. As far as the personal trainer goes, I would first try to find family, friends, or coworkers that are interested in getting into shape and try to schedule workouts with them. Being accountable to someone can be a huge motivator, and it won’t cost a thing to go for a walk with a friend.
It sounds like she has some guilt over her father paying her insurance and some anxiety about not being able to give more financially to Mom. Could a more anxiety free arrangement perhaps be that Kathy ask her father to take the money that he was spending on her and ask him to start helping Mom out. It sounds like from the narrative that Mom and Dad are no longer together here, which if true might make such a request complicated. However it sounds like the emotional burdens are causing as much stress as the financial. While this solution might not necessarily free up cash flow it might relieve some of the emotional burden. No guilt about Dad paying your bills and less anxiety about Mom not having enough to get by.
Hello Kim,
Your mail is an honest account of the challenges and questions in your and so many others’ lives. Wonderful is your courage to share – and indirectly help others who don’t have the strength of being so open!
You say that happiness underlies your life. That’s a remarkable ability and insight! Then you know that the helplessness is temporary and that you can accomplish things on your own. And you will!
All the above readers’ suggestions are useful and heartfelt. I’m sure you will see for yourself what you have to do, if embracing one or all of them.
One way to look at it, Kim, is to become clear of your core values. The things that matters most in your life are the ones from where your courage and happiness come from, even if you are unaware of them. Confusion may arise from conflicting values. In bringing them to a conscious level and have them ranked, you will see your needs /priorities more clearly. Once you’ve become more aware of your values and their order of importance to YOU, rank your needs as well, discarding all but the highest ranked ones, at least until you get a stable, predictable routine and economy.
An extra positive consequence of this process is that, in expressing your values straight, people will support your cause because they understand your quest and sympathize with your cause, independently of their being priority or not.
The process brings the perspective that you need for the decisions that you are making!
Be well,
Augusto
Kim’s recognition of her problems and her weak areas shows her intelligence and strength, but perhaps instead of an all-or-nothing approach to cutting things out she should look for some middle ground.
-Don’t cut off mom entirely. I think this would add to Kim’s guilt and stress and thus worsen her depression, which won’t help anything. Plus, the babysitting her mother provides is probably an expense Kim is going to have to pay for regardless of whether it’s her mother or a neighbor kid doing it. In Kim’s situation, I would talk to my mom, explain the situation, and see first if she would be able to downgrade her phone plan, or even get on one of those family plans with Kim that only costs $10/month for the extra line, and second if it would be possible to decrease the stipend until she gets her debts paid off. I would hope in such a situation mom would be willing to help find a way to make it work.
-If you can’t afford to get yourself out of debt, you can’t really afford to take a vacation. Kim says she’s taught her son money management, and from his willingness to save for college, save for his goals, and give to charity, I’d say it looks like she did a good job. Because of this, I think she could ask her sons opinion on this. Explain to him that mommy needs to save money for big things they need, like the car, and because of that she doesn’t have much money for vacation. Tell him that she doesn’t want to break her promise, so right now she sees two options: they can either go on a mini-vacation this year (like a three day weekend to somewhere an hour or so away), or they can both keep saving and go on a bigger vacation next year. Let him choose.
-If Kim truly needs therapy, I think she should get it because the relief it will bring will make it much easier to meet her goals and be worth the $25/visit co-pay. However, if she decides to go for therapy, she should figure out what the least amount of it she really needs is so that the strain on her budget doesn’t outweigh the benefit. If a session every other week gives her the boost she needs, going every week would be an unnecessary waste.
-I would not ruin your budget over a personal trainer. If you have been lax on the exercise for the last several years and have no self discipline, chances are you won’t have the motivation to keep driving to the trainer’s for some more hellish workouts for very long. Instead, get a friend, or better yet a group of friends, and start walking. You can engage in conversation while you walk, and it’s easy to do, so mustering the motivation will be less of an obstacle. Just doing something physical will put you in a better frame of mind, not spending money on it will keep it guilt-free, and having a supportive group of friends will help encourage you when you just don’t feel like it.
-Drop cable, but don’t eliminate TV altogether. Make a one-time investment in a good set of bunny ears and in many areas you’ll be able to watch about a dozen channels free, some even in high-def. Then get Netflix to get dvd’s of your favorite series and the movies you just have to see. While you won’t get to watch the newest movies and shows, this combination will cost you as little as $9.99 a month after the initial antenna purchase, which makes it worth waiting the 30 days.
-Finally, no, Kim is absolutely not being stupid by not wanting help from her boyfriend. Taking advantage of his assistance will more than likely lead to one of two places: either they will break up (whether because of finances or other reasons), or they will stay together and Kim will forever have a shadow of indebtedness and maybe guilt hanging over her. If they stay together, feeling like she owes him for what he did for her in her time of need is no way to go through a relationship. A relationship needs to be a union of equals, lest one become downtrodden. If they split, at the least there could be bad feelings between them, and at the worst he could come after her for all the money she now owes him. While I’m sure the thought hasn’t crossed his mind, unfortunately things change when a relationship ends. Regardless, Kim does not need to risk putting herself (and her relationship) in either of these situations. That’s not to say, however, that she should refuse everything he offers. Things that would be given in a normal relationship should still be acceptable, for example if he wants to take Kim, and maybe her son, out to eat every now and then. Gifts for standard occasions, like birthday, Christmas, and anniversary, should also be acceptable, so long as they aren’t excessive, and perhaps Kim could request something useful for these occasions, like a vacuum she hasn’t been able to afford instead of a fancy necklace. If the boyfriend truly wants to help beyond these standard things, Kim could ask him to help do things needing done, perhaps cleaning or fixing broken items around the house. So long as she doesn’t become a slave driver about it, these tasks could help more than money by freeing up time and alleviating stress without incurring a debt.
I hope you find at least one or two of these ideas helpful, and best of luck!
First and foremost you need to prioritize. I have been raising my daughter on my own for 15 years and have stood where you are.
#1: Health for both you and your son. I would suggest you start doing some yoga/breathing work which will probably do wonders over therapy. Second, take a step back of where you volunteer your time and turn that into your time. For instance, when my daughter would be at a practice I would walk for exercise. Check out the dental schools or even see if the dentist can do some sort of modified payment plan.
#2 As I stated in #1 look at where you volunteer your time. Perhaps something can be done to help with the nickel/dime for your son’s activities vs your volunteer time.
#3 Take the vacation, but don’t make it extravagant. You and your son need it to help rejuvenate yourselves. When constantly being pushed and stressed, the chance to step back and recharge is best.
#4 Really re-evaluate your budget and how you are spending your money. Sometimes by modifying and moving things around you can accomplish your goals financially.
#5 See if you can barter for things rather than pay (ie. babysitting, etc)
#6 Finally, set aside 3 goals to accomplish for just one day. Perhaps, find a way to save $3.00 that day, walk for 20 minutes, schedule a dentist appointment. If you have accomplished 3 things, at night you feel so much better because you can check them off the list.
Great idea, letting your readers offer their tips. Many people seeing the same issue from different angles.. smart
I would say, take one thing and work on that first. Sometimes we have so many things to fix/change that we just decide to do nothing. But if you can grab one and take your time, it will get done, then move to another issue, and work on that.. before you know it, all issue will be either fixed, or well on their way to not being issue no more.
Hi — I want you to know that I have some advice for you that comes from a mix of personal and professional. I too am a single Mom of Two — a 10 year old and a 17 month old– both girls. It is extremely hard to feel that you are the ultimately the most important person to these children, to work and to provide for your own personal needs at the same time. I commend you for your strength and you are so young! I did not have my older daughter until I was your age. At that time i had already graduated with my BA. Quickly I realized that to raise her right I would need more education..especially health insurance..Therefore a better job than my BA could get me. Her father was going nowhere fast and still gets thrown in jail for not paying his child support–Go Him !!
DO you have any post secondary education? You are going to need some to support yourself correctly. It is a huge leap to make off part time jobs and qualifying for state benefits but you can do it. In the labor market today you need specific skills degrees certs… or you are not even going to get an interview. I don’t know which area of the country you live in but I did not feel comfortable supporting a child until I was making 50K a year…. As you note, they are expensive espcially when you want to provide them opportunities sports teams etc etc… I have found that the elementary age gets even more expensive.
so my advise for you is get in school – something you enjoy but will get you a job… take out the loans, you can pay them back on an income contingent basis.
Reguarding everyone telling you to get in treatment and get the dental work — they are right, but I am not sure they realize you might have limited access esp to mental health services. If you are a student you can go to the clinic at the University. But while you qualify for state dental benefits get all of you dental issues fixed… ASAP!! It will never be any cheaper for you even when you get your own dental policy.
Also get an accurate mental health diagnosis… You sound like you might have ADHD, it is just starting to be diagnosed more in women. But causes all sorts of issues, financially, with relationships, and ofter women who have it have other mental health issues(a lot of this due to having lived with undiagnosed ADHD) Look into it, check a book out from the liberary about it– I recommedn Sari Solden is an author I recommend.
Lastly — Don’t move in with another man until you have all of this straight and have made some personal progress. You have fun, date etc… but do not get serious again until you are clear about you (this is what it sounds like you are doing and it is horrible to expose your son to a parade of men… )
All the Best !! Good Luck
There is a lot of good advice here. Summing it up as simply as I can:
1) Health comes first. Get counseling on a regular basis. Cut back on everything else to make this a priority. Take care of your teeth and your son’s teeth. You can’t afford a trainer right now. Follow the advice already posted here and try to eat healthier, take up walking, do a little weight-lifting, etc. Definitely have your son join you.
2) Pay off your debt, then start an emergency fund. You have no business going on a vacation until you’ve gotten those two things taken care of. (If your boyfriend wants to pay for a trip for the two of you, that’s OK).
3) Continue to track your spending. Find out where that missing $8,000 is going.
4) Deal with family matters. Use your counselor to help you figure out the dynamics within your family. It seems strange for your Dad to be helping you out, then you turn around and pay some of your Mom’s bills. Paying $1,000 for your sister’s wedding when you’re broke is excessive. You might need to learn how to set healthy boundaries. A good counselor can help you sort out these issues.
5) Study frugality and start to practice it. I highly recommend the book “The Complete Tightwad Gazette” by Amy Dacyczyn. See if your library has a copy. The author had good advice regarding kids’ activities, fundraisers, etc.
I feel your pain in this matter. I have been striving to be financially independent since as young as 16. Accepting help from friends and family has always been difficult for me, so I identify with your situation very much.
Younger, I had borrowed a lot of money in the form of credit. In hindsight, borrowing the money from friends and family would have been a more financially sound decision, considering the amounts I needed it was never over one to two hundred dollars.
I would recommend accepting the help from your boyfriend. He cares about you, and I assume you’d try to help him the best that you could if he were in the same situation as you. It is more important to get your life and finances in order, as well as it is important to get your mind and body in order.
As for the vacation, I would recommend something along the lines of a stay-cation. Your son is young enough that he will not know the difference if you go a couple towns over and explore, and he will still be satisfied with going somewhere new. This will help financially and allow you to put that money towards something that will make another area of your life easier.
Good luck to you. You are not the only one who is out there that is struggling.
Your physical health and your mental health are intertwined with your situation, which affects how you feel and that affects how you take care of yourself which affects how you feel which makes you feel worse about your situation. If you can find the time to get some exercise and eat right, the endorphins and changes in your body will help with your mental state and that can only help you be a better mom. Maybe there is a sliding scale Dr. you can see for your mental health problems?
I know how the cavities can kill your budget, even if you brush and floss and do your best. Some of us just have bad luck. Use the fluoride mouthwash and buy extra fluoride toothpaste to try and prevent those things as much as possible, but I know that sometimes you have no control over that…I just had to get a filling the other day and I have to pay lots of $$$ since my dental insurance sucks…and I’m loosing it soon anyways.
I think priorities are important here. What will you be glad you put the $$$ towards in 10 years? Probably camping will be remembered just fine, even better than an expensive trip. Probably in 10 years you will not be thinking, good thing I had cable and watched all that TV 10 years ago. But you will be glad you took care of your health, since it affects you over the long term. And you will be glad you put time and energy into your son and boyfriend (hopefully, as long as he is a good guy). And, if you are really serious about him, you might let him help you out with the vacation. Say, I can only to do a vacation of camping, but if he wants to do something more expensive, he should pay for it.
Your sister is lame for making you spend $1k on her stupid weddings. Why do people have to have such crazy weddings anyways!?! That is causing you more stress. Next time someone asks you to be a bridesmaid, agree to a limit for how much you can spend. I know it sounds harsh, but you are a single mom, not a selfish single 20-something who would rather spend the $ on herself than her sister. I think anyone who cares about you and your son will understand that.
A lot of people say scrap the vacation-I disagree. A vacation does a lot for mental health and family bonding.
Mom’s cell phone-safelinkwireless.com. See if her area is covered and if she qualifies. If you can’t afford some of your basics, you really can’t afford to pay her cell phone bill.
Some have mentioned living with Mom-only you know if that is a viable option.
2nd job-don’t quit just yet. Earmark that money to pay off the car/remaining debts. In this economy, selling it is probably not a realistic option. Reliable transportation is a need, not a want.
Cable and other ‘luxury’ expenses-yeah they need to go. Your son has other activities that cost money (soccer, scouts). Earmark that money for health expenses.
Have a heart to heart talk with the wants to pay for everything boyfriend about where you are financially, what you need to do physically/mentally and see where it takes you.
It seems you have a decent support system that wants to help you-mom, dad, boyfriend. Let them. Otherwise, you’re going to waste a lot of time and resources getting nowhere fast.
I also saw this on The Simple Dollar but here’s my advice:
– Cut ANYTHING that is a luxury. Your financial health is at stake
– Fit in some fitness when you have time. Don’t pay extra money for a trainer or a gym membership. You simply don’t have the money (or time it seems) for that luxury.
– Tell your mom your situation. Parents want to help and they’re open to listening. If she listened to you then, she’ll listen to you now.
– Try alternative methods of therapy until you get your finances in order to afford the therapy.
I see a lot of comments here and lots of options to choose from. Hope this helps her!
Lots of good advice in these posts. After reading through the first several (and agreeing with the no trainer, cut cable, staycation vs. vacation, no cell phone for mom, etc.) I’d like to add the following.
Find time for therapy sessions (or weight loss group meetings) by cutting out some of your volunteer work (coaching, scouts). Your son can still partake, but by only choosing maybe one activity to be really involved in, you’ll open up some of your time.
Also, find a good healthy weight loss program, or create one yourself. Get mags from the library about healthy lifestyles, etc. Basically, whole foods (as little processed as possible) will save you $$ in the long run, and help the health of both you and your son.
Good luck! And don’t be afraid to limit some “luxuries” (vacations, cable), because the peace of mind you’ll get from the extra savings will more than offset any feeling of loss. And let your family help you (babysitting for your son, etc.) — it will do both him and them some good.
Lot’s of good advice, I would add to the general consensus that you need to take care of your health first. I can tell you have a deep love for your son and you must want to be with him for as long as you can, so get healthy, and then go from there!
@ Lura #74
I don’t think going to school and getting in debt for it is a good idea at this point.
She makes enough money to take care of her family if she can stick to a smart budget, the problem is as she herself said a lack of self-discipline. Putting more things on her plate and acquiring more debt isn’t going to help with that.
Also, @ Moneymonk #44, increasing her salary is not the solution either. If she cannot account for $8K/ year, more income just means more wasted money.
The solution is to simplify her lifestyle and prioritize her spending according to needs and not wants. This is of course self-discipline, which goes hand to hand with mental health.
Health comes first, and that includes physical and mental health, as well as financial. Bipolar disorder can be exacerbated by food allergies, blood sugar problems, etc.
So– focus on what’s important, and the rest will be easily sorted out. Therapy, exercise and good nutrition will make you “healthy, wealthy and wise.” You have enough money to pay for therapy, eating right will save you money, and you can exercise for free. There is no reason for you to neglect yourself. Make an appointment to see your therapist TODAY.
If you’re dealing with depression and bipolar disorders, those need to be dealt with first! As someone with a 20 year history of depression, I can attest that just being depressed can make any task exponentially more difficult. If you’re not on meds, look into them and talk to your doctor. Sometimes simply lifting the clouds of depression will clear up issues – I finally found the right combination of medication (be patient) and the weight I’ve been carrying around the last couple of years has been coming off more easily that I thought possible. I attribute it to actually *caring* about myself enough to regulate my diet and exercise.
Wishing you the best of luck.
I’m sympathetic to Kim’s situation, because my wife’s aunt is bipolar/manic and it has a major impact on the whole family. That said, my advice is going to be cold (and I haven’t read other people’s comments for comparison).
All of your choices have been your choices, and owning up to them is important.
1. You need to break up with the boyfriend immediately. After two failed marriages and the instability currently in your life, you don’t need any other emotion provoking situations to surround you or, more importantly, your son. As a parent, your sole focus should be doing what is in the best interest of your kid, so put your personal adult relationship “Wants” on hold until you’ve fully mothered your son to adulthood. Again, I’ve seen such post-divorce relationships wreck the children impacted by them time and time again in my own family. Bringing new men over and over again into your son’s life, and borrowing from time for dates otherwise spent on your son, is selfish and likely damaging to your son’s self worth. Not to mention its impact on teaching him to be a real man, not a guy who can start an adult relationship then go away whenever times get tough.
2. Consider medication for the mental disability. My aunt has tried about every med in the book, but once she found one that worked and didn’t make her crazy, she’s been fairly stable over the past decade or so.
3. Never again “promise” your son a vacation. Tell him you’re going to try, but don’t promise anything. And this year, try a stay-cation near your house, or choose an inexpensive form of vacation, like camping/hiking. Bring your own food (sandwiches, granola, etc) to keep the costs low.
4. Consider cutting some of your son’s hobbies. Ask him which 1-2 (affordable ones) he’s most interested in doing, and explain to him that it’s all you can manage for the time being. Heck, my 7-yr and I had the same conversation not too long ago and he took it in stride.
5. As for exercise: take walks or ride bikes with your son, or jog while he’s practicing whatever activities he keeps. Pushups, jump ropes, and walking/jogging are inexpensive and effective.
6. Talk to your mom. Don’t start by telling her you’re cutting things, but explain to her your financial problems without assigning blame. Ask her if she’d be able to get by alright with a reduced stipend, or none at all. Ask her if she’d consider a pre-paid phone (fairly inexpensive) or taking over payments on her current plan. In other words, work together with her. If she’s unwilling to compromise, then you may need to re-examine that relationship.
7. Don’t just “track” your spending in Excel. Create a budget that shows how much money you bring in (net, after taxes and other deductions are taken out). Then subtract out your rent, est. food costs, utilities, basic clothing, etc (the mandatory costs). Then, subtract out the “optional costs” of entertainment, nicer clothing, vacations, etc. Put your needs ahead of your wants.
Best of luck to you. Make good choices, seek advice, and eventually you’ll come out on top!
First priority is health.
As part of that, you might consider booking yourself and your son for fewer activities. Have less programmed time, and you’ll get to relax a little bit, which will probably help with the stress. Let your son pick which one activity he wants to keep doing. Give zen habits a read, starting here: http://zenhabits.net/simple-living-manifesto-72-ideas-to-simplify-your-life/
Scrap the cable. Get movies for free from the library (they also have TV shows) – you can request items and have them sent to the branch closest to you (sometimes for a small charge of fifty cents or so, depending on your library). Watch shows for free on hulu.com online. Or do one-netflix-at-a-time for $10 a month. Or, join a gym and watch TV while you’re running on the elliptical – lots of gyms have this set up.
Exercise: can you bike commute? How about offering to lead the scout troop on hikes? Or, instead of coaching soccer, join an intramural team? If you prefer a (free) program to follow, try hundredpushups.com or “Couch to 5K”, or look for exercise books and videos at your local library. There are probably lots of reasonably priced exercise classes offered through your local community college or recreation center. (I recommend cardio kickboxing.) Find an exercise buddy at work or on craigslist, or see if someone you know needs a rock climbing partner.
Vacation: camping! When I was little I had no idea there were other kinds of vacations people took :D
Car: get a cheaper one and reduce your monthly mileage so you can lower your gas and insurance costs. See if you can carpool, or if you live in a city, see if zipcar will work for you, or try taking the bus. Walk to the grocery store to buy fresh groceries a couple times a week. See what errands you can do by bike or car, and plan your trips to minimize driving.
Work: ask for a raise or see if you can up your hours at the better paying gig so you can bail on the second job.
Let us know what you decide to do and what helps!
Not much advice to add, but a big virtual internet hug!
I have a less critical situation (no one is depending on me..yet), but the same overall concept of not really knowing how to balance mental, physical, and financial health goals (among others). It’s tough!
One thing that has helped me is to really define each goal (ie, lose weight, pay debt, participate in activities, spend time with son) and then sit and think about each one…about the positive and negative impacts achieving the goal will have (especially in relation to each other). what’s the worst case scenario if it doesn’t happen? then prioritize, and try to come up with a balance. you can’t achieve one goal at the expense of all others, but maybe there are some goals you could put on a longer timeline and cut yourself some slack.
you aren’t superwoman (though it sounds like you’re awesome!), don’t expect yourself to be and don’t worry about everyone else expecting you to be. it sounds like you’re on the right path! good luck!
Yep, get counseling. My mom was severely disabled by bipolar and I ran away at age 15 due to her emotional abuse. We haven’t spoken since, except once when I had to go bail her out of jail.
No vacation. Do a road trip weekend getaway somewhere neato and closeby.
Personal trainer will not help you with self-discipline. PT’s are HUGELY expensive!! You need to work on that yourself. If you cannot pay for mental therapy when you have a significant emotional disorder that affects you and your child, you cannot pay for a personal trainer.
Cut the TV.
$32,000 seems very, very, very low for 60 hrs/week plus child support. It works out to about $10.60 per hour, if child support is assumed to be $0. This suggests that Kim is working minimum wage jobs. It seems like Kim needs to focus on gaining job skills so that she can increase her wages, or else she will not be able to work her way out of this.
Relationships don’t always last — I am sure that Kim doesn’t need to be told this. She should accept the kindness of her boyfriend (and seriously — let this lovely fellow take you out to nice dinners :)). But she should not rely on it. Let it make things easier, and let it enable you to make savings, and if you discover that your savings do not grow, then cut it off.
First of all, give yourself some credit! You are creating a great life and great memories for your son by keeping him healthy (away from a bad ex, active in sports), teaching him about money, and spending so much time with him. Many working moms with spouses and without mental health concerns can’t manage that. So when you feel like you’re drowning, focus on the fact that you’ve managed to move to shallow water.
As to how to prioritize, if it were me, this is what I would do. But I am not you, and only you know what makes sense for you and your family:
1) Health – Start counseling sessions again, just once in a while. I would have a hard time choosing between a couple of counseling sessions and my son’s dental work, but you mentioned a copay for counseling – if that means you have access to insurance, does it cover dental work? With insurance, a filling is often only $75, and dentists have payment plans for insured AND uninsured patients.
2) Ask for a raise. You are clearly a hard worker who describes herself as “happy” under a truly immense load. Chances are, at least one of your bosses knows you deserve to be paid better. In this economy, they might not be able to give you much, but they definitely won’t if you don’t ask.
3) Don’t worry too much about prioritizing the rest. When you and your son have your health and each other, the rest will fall into place. Keep working toward your existing goals, and don’t cancel the vacation. I think you have earned it!
P.S. Kim is moving in all the right directions! The issues she is thinking about are the right ones! She should be commended! It ain’t easy, girl!
I love the comment, “I need to hear the truth from and objective party”. Often people already know the steps they need to take yet seek confirmation thus my open/opinionated comments.
Having emotionally supported a wife with depression I know all too well the symptoms. I see my wife go through “cloudy times” where life’s priorities and goals become a blur due to altered thinking. When depression is part of the equation things become more complicated…even basic decisions. Thus my first piece of advice would be to protect your mental health! If this means fewer activities for your son…so be it. You will only make good decisions when thinking clearly. Your priority should be to protect your mental health. Your mental health directly ties to your ability to be a good emotional/physical provider for your son. Putting your health first should be looked at as an investment in his future.
Regarding mental health, I have found with my wife that her mental health is directly related to sleep. I find my wife’s anxiety, guilt and depression are all significantly worse when she is sleep deprived. Getting adequate sleep should also be a top priority and seen as an investment in your son’s future. A healthy you equates to stability in his world. Stability is of far more value then activates.
All health related issues should take priority. Delaying treatment will likely only increase the final cost.
You have a great goal to teach your son about money management. Actions speak louder than words.
Evaluate your financial relationship with your parents. If you feel guilt about receiving assistance from your father then that is not good for your mental health and changes need to be made. Isn’t your father’s kindness really allowing you to live beyond your means? My parents gave me financial gifts to help me through difficult times. The problem was it left me feeling indebted even though this was not their intention. When I was 25 I decided to cut the umbilical cord so to speak. I looked across the table, mom’s hands in mine, and said, “Mom I know you’re trying to help but I can’t take money from you anymore. I need to learn to survive on my own.” She cried but has not offered since. That day was liberating! My self esteem grew from that point forward. You have to remember your parents didn’t teach you about money management because likely they can’t manage their own. In my opinion, parents that continue to help their adult kids are really encouraging them to live beyond their means. Many parents good will blinds them to the negative financial lesson they are teaching their kids.
Your mother could be encouraging the same behavior, that being, to live beyond your means. Sit down and put an honest value on the babysitting services she provides. Even if your mom continues to babysit out of kindness have a clear idea of what your monthly expenses would be without her help. Placing a value on her services will help you decide how much compensation to provide and help you prepare for what if scenarios. Have a child care backup plan. I am a big advocate of frugality. Often how I help my parents is to show them how to reduce their expenses by adapting a frugal lifestyle. My wife and I switched from a cell phone plan that was costing us $900 per year to prepaid cell phones that now costs us about $200. While it did require minor changes to how we use technology it came with a big cost savings. I often find it’s my job to take the lead and not only educate our kids but also to tactfully educate my parents in finance and frugality. Changing their behavior, even at this stage of their life, is curing the problem not just treating the symptoms…by throwing money at them.
Regarding financial budgeting I follow the Envelope System using ING Direct as per one of JD’s articles. I have found this system to work great for me. I have never been more prepared for vacations/emergency/college as I am now. The key for me has been small regular automatic deposits into my many envelopes (savings accounts). I find the safest place for my money to be is in places I can’t easily access with the swipe of a bank card. These savings accounts make me really think about my financial spending decisions.
Something that concerns me is you seem to have a hard time saying no. You are entitled to spend your money on whatever you wish. If you decide to make a few sacrifices to save up for a $1000 bridesmaid dress more power to you. If you choose to go on vacation…go for it! Just make sure YOU are making these decisions not those around you. Saying no to the $1000 wedding dress could have encouraged your sister to simplify her wedding…thus in fact lowering her own wedding debts. A vacation reschedule is not the end of the world and often how things happen in real life. Turning to your young son and explaining to him how the goal has not changed but it’s necessary to wait a little longer is not a bad thing. He needs to see you making financially wise decisions. Ask him what he thinks would be the best choice…you might be surprised what suggestions he comes up with. Kids often see things so much simpler then us. Learn to say no and stick to your decision.
Regarding weight gain/loss. You do not need a personal trainer you just need to alter your thinking slightly. You need to realize that YOU are your son’s best chance at survival…you will impact him leading a rewarding life. Your health is extremely important and tied to his long term success. Look in the mirror…you are what he will become. I did a very interesting study on myself not too long ago. I tracked every single food related purchase. My results were shocking. Due to mental accounting I was spending three times what I thought I was on food. Not only that I was directly impacting my weight gain AND PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE FOR IT! I went on a three month strike of no eating out. My wife and I have since learned how to cook tasty food. (Amazing!) Our food bill has declined $500 per month! That is a shocking and embarrassing number to even repeat. After looking at my finances it was the hidden area that mental accounting was letting me justify. Seeing it all on paper showed me changes needed to be made. As we began eating healthier…well…a side result was weight started to fall off. The reason I love this subject is that it’s a win, win. We feel better, we look better and we have more money in our bank. I have proven to myself that the myth that eating healthy is more expensive then eating out is just that…a myth.
Regarding Cable TV. This is a question only you can answer. Place a value on your life hours spent acquiring the funds to pay the monthly bill. Are you willing to trade those hours for cable? Is it worth it to you? I would ask you a question. After working full time, then part time, then activities with your son…what time do you have left for watching TV? Have you calculated your actual time watching, divided by your monthly cost? My wife and I decided an $8.99 Netflix account was of more value to us than a $60 cable service. We haven’t looked back or had any regrets.
I would seriously consider your son’s activities and count the cost. Your son won’t hold the million and one things he did at age 7 with much importance. Just like adults it’s the experience. Who you were with and how you felt. Quality one on one time with him is of greater value then working a part time job to support activities spent with others. It’s not a bad thing for kids to grow up knowing, you can’t give them the world. It is a bad thing for them to grow up without you in theirs. (Corny just made that up) =)
Just my thoughts…
If you’re serious about getting control of your life and finances, cut out all non-essential spending. Stop with the luxuries. It’s truly insane, for example, that you and your child have cable while he has a tooth rotting in his head. Time to re-prioritize your life. Cut the cable. You’ll save money and you and your son will be smarter for it. No vacations. You can have plenty of fun locally. No cell for your mom. That’s crazy. It’s one thing to help her with basic needs, which a cell phone is not. Cut down on your son’s activities – choose one or two. They get costly, and you can’t afford them all. There is no universe in which you need or can afford a personal trainer. That’s way in the land of luxury. And a personal trainer won’t change your life if you lack the discipline to work out on your own. Running or walking or yoga in your apartment or a workout DVD are all free.
I would advise thinking about Nancy’s advise. Doing sure is easier than thinking at times especially if someone points you in a direction. But being inspired and motivated by yourself takes you the furthest.
I’d also say that think of certain things as opportunities instead of sacrifices. For example, reallocating the time you and your son watch tv allows times for each other! Instead of quitting that second job because you miss your son, wouldn’t you just love to get back time to spend with him and keep money in your pocket?
Lastly as a single mom at 26, think about how you’re going to make more money. You could work more jobs but there’s a limit on hours per day. What you may want to do is to get a further education to earn more per hour. And you’ll show your son how to achieve with living by example. Single Ma on Fabulous Financials might be a blog you can follow to stay motivated. Though remember, she’s got some of the insight you’re still trying to gain. That’s to say, you’re not at the same place but you’ll get there :)
It sounds like you aren’t in a stable place with your mental health and that has to be your number one priority.
Even if you have to cut back on other things to find the time for counseling do it.
Seeing a good therapist and getting control of your Bipolar disorder will help you with other aspects of your life — like the self control/self discipline issues.
A therapist can also help you with priortizing other issues, help with the self discipline.
More than doing this for yourself, you need to do it for your son.
I was going to mention that this question appeared almost verbatim in a reader mailbag this week at the Simple Dollar, but it seems that many folks already beat me to it.
It was big news a while back when a kid in DC, or Maryland, or Massachusetts or somewhere that started with an M died from an untreated dental abscess. Many places have free or reduced cost dental clinics, and there are dentists who will work payment plans.
I feel for you, but honestly, it obviously took a lot of thought and a lot of time to write what you did. It’s a very complete picture. But in the time it took, couldn’t you have taken one small step, made one small decision, done something that would have started making your life easier? Not judging or being mean, because I know what “overwhelmed” feels like, but it actually sounds like you’ve got it figured out (except for the boyfriend part). You just need to commit to doing something, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem.
Think about unconventional ways in which you can get what you need and WHAT you are hoping to get out of it. For example, my former therapist often did counseling sessions for people over the phone or webcam or even email. This was less expensive than a “regular” session and more convenient for some of her clients.
But ask yourself what you’re hoping to get out of things, especially stuff like personal trainers. If you need actual technical advice, I know people who are personal trainers who will work with you over the phone or via email for cheap–in fact, my health insurance offers such a service for free, because getting you healthier saves them money. If you just think it’ll motivate you, you might be better off trying to self-motivate. My strength training plan, for example, is in an excel spreadsheet so I can print out a checklist when I work out, and I can track my weights there to see how I’ve improved. It is crazy motivational and costs me nothing.
Go to the library! As a librarian, seriously, it breaks my heart how many things we do that people don’t know about or assume they have to pay for. Free books, dvds, CDs, audiobooks. If you’re starting an exercise program, check for Andrew Weil’s book on walking–it’s a really short, inspiring way to get some low-impact exercise into your life. There are so many good books out there on fitness, health, and living cheap, and public libraries often have personal finance seminars and other useful classes too.
Finally, I would highly suggest locating that ‘missing’ $8000. I mean, seriously, that’s six months of rent for me and I live in New York City, expense capital of the universe; imagine what that could do for you.
Kim, your situation seems overwhelming but I will add my suggestions to the long list of good ones.
1. I suggest you lessen some of your involvement in leading your son’s activities. Do you have to be there every moment he is at soccer or baseball practice? Why not use that time to take a power walk around the field? I am assuming soccer and baseball seasons are not overlapping.
2. An amazing free resource for weight loss suggestions and wonderful group support(I am surprised no one has mentioned it before) is SparkPeople! You can get exercise tips, videos, motivation, recipes and camaradarie with the other members. I lost 20 pounds earlier this year using it.
3. As for your vacation, I would suggest a trip to a nearby zoo or national park. Kids attention spans are not like adults and most elaborate vacations seem to be more for the parents than the kids. My kids are in their 20’s and do not remember the expensive vacations they went on during their early years. Save it for later when he is better able to enjoy it and remember it. They do remember, however, our camping and other trips they weren’t stuck in a car or plane for hours or days.
4. Keep your car. You’ve already lost a lot in depreciation and it pays to have a reliable vehicle if you need to have one. Can you refinance it at a credit union for a lower rate without extending the payment schedule?
5. See if you can find a cheaper cell phone option for your mom–family plan, prepaid, whatever. Do you have a land line and a cell phone? Get rid of one.
6. If you choose to keep the cable, make sure it is as basic as they come. As for movies, Red Box is the best option I’ve found where you rent them as you want them.
7. I won’t suggest you get rid of your boyfriend. If he is a good man to you and your son, you can’t give him up. My current husband and I met at a time that was not possibly the best for my adolescent children, but we are still happy and together while they are adults with lives of their own. Besides it was good for them to see what a healthy adult relationship is like.
8. Most importantly, take care of the health of you and your son. Make sure your teeth are taken care of! Not an option. Sometimes you can go to dental or hygenist schools and have cleanings done there cheaply. Make sure your mental health is controlled. Your son needs you–all of you, not the mom who is too depressed to get out of bed.
Hope this helps you. I wish you the best of luck and a happy life. That’s all that matters.
Ok first off, yes drop the cable TV. If your son is that busy, does he even really have time to watch it? Would watching TV less mean you have more time to spend with him when you’re not working? If the TV weren’t around, would hygiene become more likely, therefore saving you the cost of fillings?
Keep the second job. When you’re making ends meet and not worried about what expenses to cut, and living on one of those incomes, then consider dropping it.
Make plans with your son to “work out” together. Go on walks, run, etc–maybe you could do drills with that soccer teach you coach!. Someone else said let him be your personal trainer. You get fit, you teach him about physical fitness, and you get to spend more time with him. WIN WIN WIN!
If your mother is disabled, first off she should have a cell phone. But more importantly, check with Dept of Human Services (or whatever dept deals with food benefits) to see if she qualifies for a free cell phone. As I understand it, this is a federal program, and anyone who is on SS/Medicaid qualifies. If not, I’d say yes, get her on a family plan with you, and if she already is, just don’t sweat it. But can your sister help out at all?
Do not drop the car. I swore for years I would never have a car payment and I meant it. But When my last car was on its death bed, and I hadn’t quite saved up the money yet (because I was still paying off CC debt), I got a used car with a payment. $300 is pretty low, actually. And I think it’s worth it for the knowledge that your car is reliable, and you’re not going to get stranded on your way to work, soccer, school, etc.
As for the vacation… Talk to the boyfriend about it. You made a commitment to him and to your son, and I don’t know that going back on that at this point will get you very much. Let him pay, if he can afford it and he wants to–with the understanding that when you’re financially stable, you will take him on one (or just go for the bday/xmas present idea). It also shows that you’re interested in something long-term, which most people in relationships like to hear from time to time. Bonus: If it doesn’t work out, you’re not out anything!
I don’t know what compelled someone above me to think that most people spend $1000 or less on a wedding. That’s about what I spent for my brother’s wedding all-told (if you count lost wages), and I didn’t even have to buy my bridesmaid dress! This is your sister, you will end up paying money for her wedding, and that’s fine.
I’ve found that no matter what life throws at you, it’s better to just decide what you’re going to do “going forward” rather than constantly taking stock of how you feel you’ve failed. I mean sure, this type of introspection is good to determine what your weaknesses are that need tending, but don’t dwell on it. Just pick one thing you’re going to do, do it, and then pick something else. If that first thing is to start saving more money, then do so. Personally I think it needs to be getting rid of the cable and getting into shape–you’ve already got a plan for savings, which really would have been step 1. So pat yourself on the back for already finding that first step on your own!
kim,
first congradulation for getting out of a bad marriage. the things you mentioned in your letter are things that most people who go thru with divorce. when i left my ex husband years ago i left with my three children and their belongings and 15 years later we all are great.
the one thing i am glad i did was be honest with my children, talk with your son and decide what you can do for a vaction, you dont have to go to disney world every year. go some where close to your home.
please look into fee rated mental health care because as you know bi-polar disease has it cycles and those cycles can affect your finances, if when you are on a low cycle you spend unwisely.
also talk with your son about all his extra activities, children dont have to do every single thing that comes along. what does he like best, if your are stressed with all his activites he probalby is too.
aslo look into fee rated dental care , i dont know where you leave but if their is a dental clinic or dental school in your area they have reduced fee. now some people frown on dental schools but look at it this way. you do get a student but his instructor is there and the student wants to do his best work when his teacher is there.
last bit of advise simplify your life in as many areas as you can, declutter your home, your mind and your spirit
hang in there kim focus on your mental health,your sons health and find enjoyment in life regardless of money
god bless
sounds like this woman is just a magnet for drama. Stop overwhelming yourself. Like some others have said: Good luck.
Don’t pay for a personal trainer. But focus on your health! Join one of the free weight-loss sites (www.dailyburn.com is my favorite) if you need some coaching/organization in focusing on your health, but set aside a little time each day to do some exercising. Your health will improve, and regular exercise is a HUGE boost to your mental health as well. If your mental health also needs the support of professional assistance (do you at least have the meds for your conditions?), check out the public (low-income) health clinics in your area who may be able to give you a recommendation on no/low-fee and/or sliding-scale mental health providers.
Plenty of good financial advice in the comments. The only thing I would add would be to get your family to stop being a drain on your finances! They love you, they know what kind of financial straits you’re in; you don’t have to ask them to help but DO ask them to stop being a drain on you. FIRST – get your sister to reimburse you the $1000 you’ve spent on her wedding. Weddings are hugely expensive but it’s the financial responsibility of those who are tying the knot, not all their friends and family. Give your sister whatever *logistical* help she needs that you can spare the time for (and she’ll need a lot, and that help will be incredibly valuable) but let her know that you just *can’t* foot any of the bill for her wedding. Frankly, let her pay for the dress, too. You have a son who is more important than a $600 dress (that’s half of his annual allowance).
It sounds like your mom might be in a penny-pinching situation herself, but perhaps you could compromise on what you do to support her. If she can handle it, then definitely cut your stipend to her and her cellphone. Again, you may not want to ask your family to help, but they can at least stop adding to your problems. If she’s not in a place where you’re comfortable doing that, try to compromise. Does she really need a cellphone? Can you give her less of a stipend? Can your sister pitch in?
As for your son, that’s got to be your call. My parents were on a super tight budget when I was growing up but it was VERY important to them NOT to pass their financial anxiety on to my sister and me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong if you feel like you don’t want your son to have to make sacrifices if you can help it. That being said, kids are amazingly resilient, and I guarantee he will do whatever you need to to help out if he understands the situation. He may even be old enough to put the question to him directly: what are you willing to sacrifice to help us get onto an even keel? He might surprise you with his suggestions. “Let’s put the vacation on hold, mom, so I don’t have to give up soccer” or “let’s cut my allowance and I’ll mow lawns for pocket money.” Giving him partial ownership of the problem will be good for him in the long run.
Wow.
If I wake up in her shoes tomorrow, here’s what I’ll do:
Step 1: Identify the Problem
1. Debt – Total how much, interest and payment schedule
2. Income – add up total take home pay and compare against expenses. compare 2 income vs 1 income against expenses (does the part time job cost money – gas, clothes, child care, etc)
3. Weight gain and healthcare – what is/are my health coverage? can my work insurance plan cover my therapy sessions? gym memberships? nutritionist?
4. Time management – what activities can I cut so I can have the time to spend with my son? Do I really need to coach soccer? what activities can I cut from my son’s list of activities/interest? which activity costs money (gas, clothes, etc)
5. Relationship – Do I really have time to BE in a relationship? Is it a healthy and an adult relationship? Is my BF understanding and helpful enough to support me emotionally during my road to recovery? Can my BF help with my son’s activities?
Step 2: Possible solutions
1. Review and declutter expenses. Am I eating out too much (which causes weight gain)? Is my part time job costing me more money than I earn (working at the other side of town, required clothing expenses, child care)? Can I really afford supporting my family (Does the stipend help or enable my parents)? Can I really afford taking a vacation while I’m still in debt? Is enjoying a few hours of cable TV worth being overwhelmed for years and years to come?
2. Know how much you really make. Only count Take home pay and use ONLY 80-90% to support myself and my son. 10-20% should go to emergency savings
3. Explain and be honest with my son. I’ll teach my son about the value of money and the perils of debt. Because of my debt, we cant go on vacation next year.
4. Postpone any/ all vacations.
5. Open up to my partner. I’ll be honest about my cash situation and ask for help. I will not expect much from my partner because my debts are mainly my fault.
6. pay off my debts and the weight loss will follow.
7. Live on CASH. The ONLY way to keep track where the $8000/yr went. Credit cards are not good tracking tools because you never see/feel your spending.
Action Plan: Priorities
1. Food – Be sure me and my son are fed. Buy groceries (meat, fruits and vegetables only no junk and processed foods) and cook at home instead of eating out or fast food. to be more extreme, live on rice and beans. By cutting down on fastfood and eating out, we’ll save a ton of money and lose some unnecessary calories that cause weight gain.
2. Shelter – Be sure to pay the rent on time. Avoid unnecessary late fees. Also, check out other cheaper rental choices. Instead of paying $1100 for a 2 bedroom, maybe pay $1000 for a 2 bedroom but in a different city. Consider moving back in with my parents. That way, I save on rent AND I can still maintain the stipend for my mother’s cellphone.
3. Utilities – by finding a cheaper place, you can save on utilities. Some cities offer free water services. A 1 bedroom costs less to power than a 2 bedroom. Sharing the utilities with my parents would lessen my share of the bills. Cutting the cable TV would save me at least $50-$100 bucks (assuming i’m on basic cable unless the cable is premium- then we know what to do)
4. Activities – Cut unnecessary activities. I’ll ask my son to choose which activity he enjoys more and which activities he can live without. Saves time and money.
5. income – find a higher paying job. This would allow me to only work 1 job or help pay my debts faster.
6. Health – i will not hire a personal trainer. This costs a lot of money. I’ll just take an hour a day to walk around the park with my son and get my exercise in. it’s free and a great way to spend some time with my son.
7. relationship – If the partner stays around, then involve the partner to the recovery process. Perhaps this can bring us closer.
8. Education – Educate myself on how to be more financially responsible. Read up on Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey. Then put what i learn into practice.
So there you go. I hope this helps everyone who are in the same situation as Kim.
Here are some thoughts to your questions:
-Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster?
You would be surprised what your mother can and cannot do without. Most mothers would support you if you had a plan to move forward, especially if it means becoming self-sufficient.
-Do I break my promise to my son and not go on vacation?
Your son equates a vacation not only to doing something fun but also it’s also your uninterrupted attention. Once again, you’d be surprised what makes a great vacation, especially when your son is the central figure and not the amusement park, weather, etc.
-Do I put everything on the back burner except my therapy and see if going back helps me feel better?
Your plane is crashing! Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you’re not at 100%, how can you give your son or your boyfriend your best? This is all about discipline and priorities. I suggest you get into a rhythm or schedule that you works for you and your family.
-Do I throw my budget out of whack and get a personal trainer so I can feel better (no self discipline which is a HUGE problem)?
A trainer will not fix your discipline and I’m betting, procrastinatio, issues. Only you can solve that, it doesn’t cost anything but will be the hardest thing you have to do because you can already see that if you had the discipline to invest, exercise, spend quality time with family, be spiritual, etc. many of your problems with weight, finances, helath and relationships would fail to manifest themselves as they do today.
-I’ve cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?
Hope is what you have when there are no options. There are still broadcasts of the major channels, inlcuding PBS, that need to cable (only a convereter box = cheap). Oh yeah, and trust me, without 100+ channels to surf, I’m betting you can find other, more productive things to do with yourself and your family.
-I don’t want to put so much of my life and myself first that I forget my son or my boyfriend. Am I being stupid by not wanting help?
No problem in asking for help. Just make sure you’ve asked of yourself first!!!
Quick advice: Be honest with yourself. Don’t bother judging – just be honest about what you are doing now, and what you need to be doing.
“Ammie @ DomesticallyObsessed.com” makes some great points and I agree with a lot of what she says. Want more advice? OK –
1) No cell phone for mom – I would not want my kids paying for things for me while they had debt of their own.
2) No vacation. Be honest with yourself – do you “Need” or “Want” a vacation? If you are thinking, “I need a vacation to recharge my batteries/refresh my spirit/give myself the break I’ve earned/make my son happy” just dismiss those thoughts. That’s called rationalizing. If you’re really honest with yourself, you can start catching yourself when you are rationalizing a decision.
3) Don’t “put everything on the back burner”. Instead do the opposite. Put all the important stuff on the front burner. Mental health, physical heath, family, relationships, even earning a living – they all go on the front burner. Work them at the same time. Commit to a goal, and come up with a plan. Plan not working? Change the plan. (e.g. goals might be: Loose 15 pounds, reduce my expenses, and improve my mental health. The plan: Heave cable, and get out and walk with my son – hopefully loose weight and feel better mentally and physically.) Will walking “cure” a bi-polar disorder? I don’t think so, but if you feel better mentally and physically, then why question the success.
4) Personal Trainer? Are you kidding me? When you are making as much money as Oprah, you can start to think about a personal trainer. If you need to pay someone to tell you to exercise, pay your son $7 a week to keep hounding you, “Get off the couch and exercise mom!!”
5) “Give up cable and hope for the best”? You make it sound like you just fell off a boat, and are pondering letting go of the life jacket. It’s just TV. Be honoest – did watching TV EVER get you closer to any of your priorities?
6) I do not think any of the suggestions anyone has made here involve putting yourself ahead of your son or boyfriend. So no worries of that happening.
Some posters seem to be advising to dump your boyfriend. I do not believe that will help or hinder things. Readers might assume, “she went through two bad relationships already. The likelyhood she has wandered into a thrid one that is great is unlikely.” I would say, who knows – you may have gotten lucky. Either way, if you are honest with yourself, and follow a plan to achieve your goals, your relationship will either turn out to be a strenth, or a weakness. If it’s a weakness, you can abandon it then.
The best way to stop feeling overwhelmed is to start doing something. The EASY thing to do is to spend money on something – personal trainer, exercise equipment, new clothes for a job interview you don’t yet have, etc. – but this gets you nothing but more debt. To fix problems and get closer to your goals, you actually need to DO something. You need to WORK AT IT. You want to quit your second job because you miss your son? Are you under the impression that people who work 2-3 jobs do not miss their families? WRONG!! IF they didn’t care about their families why would they be working three jobs to support them? We all have mental lists of “What we want to do” and “What we need to do”. You proably want to quit both jobs, and spend loads of time with your son going on interesting vacations. That’s fine (I want the same thing). You now need to start doing what you NEED to do in order to get closer to those wants.
It all comes down to being honest with yourself to decide if you are will ing to do what you need to do to get to what you want. That will lead you scaling back your “wants” to what is really important to you, and will motivate you to put out th effort to get to those wants.
P.S.:$300 for a car payment? What did you get – the car you needed or the model you wanted? Bail onthe car and replace it with something cheaper if you can. If not, chalk it up to a life lesson. Want to feel bad over making a bad decision? Don’t bother – feeling bad/guilty/depressed/overwhelmed/angry/frustrated etc. won’t get you any closer to your goals either.
I don’t know what your favorite things are, but here are some random recommendations, just in case any are useful.
1) Get back into therapy. Things are easier when your brain isn’t adding extra problems, and you and those around you will be happier.
2) Get cavities filled–it’s only going to get worse, more expensive, and maybe even painful.
3) Make an event out of tooth brushing so you and your son will look forward to doing it together every morning and every night. You could have a gargling contest at the end, impersonate a rabid dog, or hum a song together to make sure it lasts long enough.
4) Make the vacation you promised your son local. Have a theme like museums or dinosaurs (you could visit several libraries to look at dinosaur books, watch dinosaur movies–both fiction and nonfiction, look for dinosaur displays in museums, make a book on dinosaurs, make dinosaur-shaped cookies, etc.) to make it super fun.
5) Limit your child to one or two favorite activities outside of school at any one time. Kids need down time and unstructured play time, too. Let him pick his favorite(s).
6) Join SparkPeople instead of getting a personal trainer. And find physically active things to do with your son and boyfriend.
7) Cut the cable and spend more quality time with your son and boyfriend.
8) Find ways to reduce the expenses on your vacation if your boyfriend wants to pay too much. Search for coupons, bring some snacks, try affordable activities done by the locals.
9) Don’t cut the allowances you are giving to others; and do accept some help that is being offered to you by others.
10) Don’t drop the boyfriend just because it’s bad timing if he’s good for you and your son.
Good advice coming in, and clearly a lot of us are seeing the same red flags. I don’t have much to add except something I read recently:
you can’t manage what you don’t measure.
Find that missing $8000 by keeping a spending log. At the same time, start keeping a food diary. These two tools will not only help you get control of the two major “overwhelm” factors – money and weight – but will help your therapist, who you MUST go back to seeing, to steer you toward an understanding of your decisions and actions – WHY you are making the choices you currently make, and how they relate to the past choices that haven’t worked out too well.
I really don’t think “self discipline” is the problem here. Undisciplined people don’t work 3 jobs and keep their kids active. I think it’s the mental health, + overwhelm, + maybe not knowing WHY each decision is made.
Emotion is not a reason: don’t use it as the basis for decisions.
Finally, of course, get your teeth taken care of – get a loan from the BF if necessary – and cut the cable TV. Use that time to do something physical with your son. He wants to be with you, and the reason he wants a “family vacation” is he doesn’t get to be with you as much as he wants.
Good luck!
The more I think about this post, the more amazed I am by some Americans’ financial priorities and choices. You ignore your son’s dental care but you buy cable, cell phones and vacations? Crazy in my mind. I also hate it when people selectively hide behind “promises.” Surely you’ve broken other promises to yourself and others (how many times have you promised yourself to exercise and not done it?). A promise for a vacation that you cannot afford can be broken, and everyone involved in the process can use it as a lesson for how to grow up and be responsible. Stop responding to crisis. Stop creating crisis and drama. Do not spend your money on non-necessities. Learn to say “NO,” like saying no to $1000 on a wedding you can’t afford. That’s insane. Being in a wedding can be free if people really care about finances – parties and presents and extras, and clothing you already own can be worn – or you can not be in the wedding. Stop supporting non-necessities for others, which includes cell phones. Cut your son’s activities and activity expenses severely. He will benefit more from a stable financial life and a college fund. And stop depending on men for stuff.
Boyfriends don’t matter when you’re broke and your son needs dental work, unless the boyfriend is going to pay for it- then let him do it if he offers and just say thank you! Vacations don’t matter- you’re teaching your son to value things you can’t afford right now- please teach him and yourself to value being debt free and well…..free period. The wedding expense just boggled my mind. If you can find a thousand dollars for that….seriously.
I haven’t read all the comments here yet, but I see a lot of good advice already.
I agree that a walking routine would be great for your physical AND mental health and it’s FREE! So I would make that a priority.
Kids are totally flexible and what’s most important to them is time with you. Forget the vacation and make it a teachable moment where you explain that you thought you would have the money to do it but you don’t, so you’re having to make the tough choice to not go on vacation. Ultimately isn’t that what we want our kids to learn? How to make the tough choices and do without when they must? I think you could have fun with a staycation!
We focus on free or very low-cost entertainment. We get free videos and CDs from the library. We go to free local events when they’re family-friendly. We attend as many free music concerts at our local university and schools as we can. We save coupons and use them for special treats (ice cream out, etc.) There are many, many sites about being frugal and books called The Tightwad Gazette which have lots and lots of ideas for doing things on the cheap.
I wouldn’t continue giving your son an allowance. While it’s good to teach him about saving and giving and how to use money, if you don’t have it, you can’t give it. Again, a teachable moment and explain it’s temporary until you get your debts paid off.
And paying the debts off should be a top priority as well. I would suggest going into a crisis spending mode – if you don’t have to have it to live, don’t spend it! Get to the point where your debt is paid off and you’re spending less than what you’re bringing in. Then bring back all the other stuff.
Good luck!!
Respectfully-here’s my opinion
1. Stop dating-spend all your time with your son-you won’t regret it
2. Find a dental college and get your son’s teeth corrected so the permanent teeth aren’t damaged.
3. Read Change your brain, Change your body-get it at the library-maybe supplements will help
4. Don’t overload your son with activities-spend time with him.
5. Start reading some minimalist blogs-they will inspire you to stop consuming stuff
6. Take care of your family first-your mom second. You don’t owe her anything-you wouldn’t want your son taking care of you when u are old.
7. Skip the vacation- go get ice cream instead. Kids just want to hang out with their parents and know they are loved.
Hugs to you-I know you can do it!!!! Small Changes
If you don’t have money to see a therapist or buy medication, take omega fish oil in capsule or in liquid form. It’s a lot cheaper. This will help with your depression and such. Also, jump rope, walking, running around with your son is cheap exercise.
I HAVE to chime in here. Someone above said you are going to HAVE to pay around $1000 or more if you are in a sibling’s wedding. I’m calling BS on this one. I had a very extravagant wedding, however, MANY of my bridesmaids were family (we had 11 total) and many were friends who could not afford lavish bridesmaids dresses. I chose a common color (Black) and told all my girls to go ahead and pick their own gown within their own budget. Did the same with the groomsmen. Tux rentals and bridesmaid dresses are very expensive and I didn’t think it was fair to ask friends of our to pay so much money to participate in a ONE day event. There absolutely ARE ways around this if you are honest and upfront, and if Kim cannot afford such an extravagant expense, there is absolutely NO shame in confronting her sister and explaining her situation. And if her sister has a heart, she won’t give her a hard time about it.
Just had to throw that in.
Your mental health should be your first priority, absolutely! Once you feel better mentally, everything else will fall into place, including self-discipline.
Your thinking is what got you into this situation. Take care of YOUR mental issues first. Get into therapy and make sure you take your meds religiously.
You’ll be able to think more clearly. You’ll make better decisions. You’ll see options you aren’t able to see right now. You’ll have the discipline to stick to a budget, a debt-payoff plan, a fitness program, a diet. You’ll be more empowered, and you’ll be able to stand up for your needs rather than putting them aside for the needs of others.
Yes, your child requires your help; your Mother, disability and presumed obligation to her aside, is an adult.
Life after therapy will feel less overwhelming, and you’ll be able to isolate the real issues from the myriad of worries you described in your email. (If that was in my brain, I’d feel overwhelmed, too! Clear it out!)
To solve the other immediate needs, I suggest you look into: TracFone (for Mom); Netflix, Hulu, library books and videos (for entertainment and fitness programs); an affordable used car that is paid off before you leave the lot (if possible); and think locally when considering vacation options. What activities are available nearby? It’s not about where you go, it’s about the time invested with your son.
Good luck.
As my Auntie used to say,” If you don’t take care of Number One, Number One can’t take care of anyone else!” So, take care of yourself and your health in order to take care of the rest of your family. So, my advice would be similar to what the others are saying: 1) Seek a mental health professional and get your meds as necessary 2)Put off a vacation for now until life is less hectic 3) Paring down extra-curricular activities for your son gives him time to rest and you’ll get rest, too. We have our kids do 2 activities per year MAX. 4) Being less busy means you can put more time into walking with the family and cooking healthy meals to help with weight loss and mental health. It benefits everyone and a trainer isn’t necessary. 5) Help with extra expenses (like Mom’s cell phone)only if you are able to. Don’t be afraid to say,”I’m sorry but I can’t do that right now.” Saying NO doesn’t make you a bad person. 6) As for cable tv, my opinion is that if it is the only luxury you have and enjoy, then keep it. Your mom and son probably watch some of it, too.
I learned alot of these by trial and error. I wish you the best of luck with the family!
I disagree with Brigitte on the notion that a vacation trip is a “commitment”. It’s not a commitment– it’s a choice, and one can back out of it if one realizes it’s the wrong choice. It’s like choosing to drive drunk because you “committed” to give someone a ride before you realized you were drunk. Hey, there’s still time to call a cab…
However:
Taking care of your child is a commitment.
Staying sane so you can take care of your child is a commitment.
I agree 100% with Margot– worrying about the cable while your kid’s teeth are rotting is crazy. Letting your mental health deteriorate while you worry about hiring a personal trainer is crazy.
Call the therapist and make an appointment TODAY.
I’m not sure if this will be much help, yet here’s my thoughts.
The situation – I believe you did the right thing by getting out of a bad situation. So what if you are on public assistance? So what if most of your stuff is second hand? If you are happy, that’s all that matters.
The car – I’ve read a few other comments. Some say ditch the car. Others say keep it. There are pros and cons to both. How many more payments do you have? That would be a major consideration. FWIW, my ex had to have brand new cars! We were in debt big time. I don’t care. My current husband is an excellent mechanic (perhaps you know one that would help you on this note) so we drive older vehicles. Our newest is a 2004. The oldest is a 1994. We did not have a car payment until recently and my parents financed it – six payments left!
Cable TV – a luxury. We haven’t had cable or satellite for six years and I don’t miss it. Well, yes I do. I miss Nascar and CMT. Other than that, it’s no big deal. And it doesn’t become a babysitter.
Your Mom & Dad – if they are helping out with babysitting, you may be able to get the state to pay for all or part of it. Not sure who to talk to about that. One state I lived in had the info at public assistance office. Another had it in a totally different department. Ask around. Someone will know the answer.
Your son – allowance is good. The activities are good. But is too much a good thing? Instead of being in a sport every season, make him pick one or two for the entire year. Personally boy scouts/Cub Scouts is a good thing.
Your health – I don’t have health insurance. It sucks. Literally. You do. Use it. If you don’t feel good, your son won’t feel good. Take time for yourself. If nothing else comes out of the sessions, it should give you a different perspective on everything.
Say NO! – Really! You don’t have to be supermom. For instance, drop your kid off at cub scouts and do something for you — perhaps go to the gym?? Don’t do the planning. Don’t help except occasionally like during popcorn sales. Say NO! I need time for me. If they don’t like it, that’s too bad.
Some other thoughts –
Public assistance – do you qualify? Would you qualify if you get rid of one of the jobs? The dealbreaker here is to ask yourself if you will be further ahead accepting food stamps / medicaid / tanf than you are now. I personally would not look at the monetary factor here. A benefit for you could be more time for you and your son. (for myself, I have a low income so I can pretty much stay home because they couldn’t deal with mom having a full-time outside job). Another benefit could be that you feel better about yourself. I understand the disorders you deal with. Sometimes money needs to be put aside for you to deal with the extra baggage going on in your head. yes, the issues and debts are still there but the lenders will work with you and give you breaks if you ask.
Rent – do you qualify for Section 8? It may be called something else there but basically it’s housing assistance. You pay part of housing expenses and the state pays the rest. And LIEAP (Low Income Energy Assistance Program) can help with heating costs in the winter. Inquire at the public assistance office about some of their services. They can help but only if you ask. And a little known secret is to explain your situation and get them on your side. They can give you the information needed to determine what will work better for you (like drop a job and get medicaid and food stamps that will in return give you more piece of mind than the job ever did).
Public Assistance – there are a lot of programs out there to help. Ask. Ask. Ask. Surf the web and check out your state’s website. The information is there. You just have to look and be persistent.
I could go on but I want to stress that if you aren’t happy, then your job(s) is not worth it. No matter what kind of money you are pulling in. My motto has been if it stops being fun, I don’t want to do it anymore and I find a way to get out of that situation and into something else that will keep me sane.
And yes, I know. Many will not agree with me about public assistance. However, sometimes that is your best choice. Only you can make that decision! Good Luck!
Just reading all these comments makes me feel overwhelmed. There’s a lot of good advice here, so I hope Kim will read through all this in little chunks and find what is most helpful to her.
What I would do first is sit down with a nice sharp pencil and several sheets of paper and figure out1. How much money actually comes in and when
2.what bills have tone paid and when. Then I would wiggle the numbers until the second list was no larger than the first.
Good luck!
I’ve been in your shoes, it was hard, I got through it So will you and you’ll come out stronger
1. I went without cable for years and it didnt’ kill us. I suggest netflix. If you have a computer you can watch online as well as get rentals. You can also control what your son sees more easily. You have two jobs so you dont have much time to watch it anyway.
2. You car is a big expense. I would see if you can reduce that expense by getting a less expensive car.
3. Your health and your son’s health is important. Check and see what help is available in your area for dental care and many mental health clinices might offer a sliding fee even with your copay. Also, many businesses offer a Employee assistance benefit that will give you a few free therapy sessions for any problem…if that is a benefit you have for your job take advantage of it.
4. Start tracking expenses and figure out where your money is going. Carry a little notebook and write everything down for a month.
5. Is the child support you’re getting fair for your actual expenses? Can your son’s father help pay for the dental care he needs?
6. Look into family cell phone plans for your mom to see if that’s a doable idea. perhaps no one needs a landline and you can all go to family cell phone plan?
7. Have a heart to heart with your sister to see if your expenses to be in the wedding can be mitigated a bit. Even a couple hundred would help.
8. So many touched on this I thought I would mention it. If the benefit of the boyfriend outweighs the liability, keep the boyfriend. Geez people, having a boyfriend doesn’t mean she can’t be independent, do you think she stays stuck in the 50’s if she has a male friend?? You can be in a relationship AND repair your life..I think to paint all relationships with such a wide brush is short sighted.
9. Fitness. For now be your own personal trainer. I used to walk on my lunch break when I was working two jobs with a young child, it was the only time I could fit it in. That also meant I had to pack a lunch because I didn’t have time to eat out, and that saved more money.
Christmas is coming (if you celebrate it)…if anyone (like your boyfriend), asks what you want, that’s your cue to say. “I would LOVE ..a few sessions with a personal trainer, a three month membership at the Y/gym/Curves whatever….Be sure you will have time to actually take advantage of this or its a waste of money.
Good luck. You won’t be perfect, but you’ll get through it….
go to therapy…it’s o.k. to give your mom some money in exchange for sitting…by all means skip the vavcation–I went 6 years without one raising my daughter, you barely even remember it but you will have a better life paying the bills and getting out of debt–trust me on this one…cab. t.v. is cheap entertainment I would keep it…talk to a dentist or two…keep the two jobs, get out of debt!!…walk 2 miles twice a week…eat healthy food…good luck, you will make it through.
I can’t offer too much on the financial side, but I have some comments on some of your problems:
1. Accept help. If your boyfriend wants to help you, let him. Helping you may mean a lot to him. Men like to feel needed. If you’re really feeling guilty, take the money you planned for your holiday and pay your debt off, or put it into your son’s savings.
2. Don’t disappoint your son, kids have memories like elephants. If it comes to that, explain to him carefully why you can’t keep your promise.
3. On the depression, as a sufferer myself, I can offer some further advice – physical activity helps me with depression. Sparkpeople.com (and similar other sites)offers great, free advice on diet, exercise and excellent motivation. If this works, you’ll have a triple benefit – lose weight, feel better and become more motivated.
4. It’s all about attitude, make sure you keep yours positive. And never give up.
On a final note, it seems like your life is crazy, but it seems to me you have matters well in hand. You’ve identified your problems. All you need to do now is deal with them.
Your question is where do you start. Start by chipping away the excess. You cannot afford to support ANYONE but you and your son right now — you have two jobs. Two jobs and a child. See if there is anyone else who can help your mom and if there is noone, tell your mom you’re cutting back a bit and ask her to economize. Sorry, it’s got to be addressed. I spent $100 on my sister’s wedding. It’s her wedding and she and her man can pay for it. It’s selfish for her to ask you to do this for her — or maybe you’re just doing it on your own. Paying for a personal trainer is a waste. Toughen up, walk and eat better meals with less fat and sugar. You will see results. Get the dentistry taken care of ASAP, as that is dangerous. And your mental health is crucial. See if there are cheaper options. Is there anyone you can talk to at your place of worship? Try there. Are you seriously thinking about a vacation? Sorry, that’s out of the question. Do something fun close to home. That’s just how it’s got to be. There is a LOT you can do to improve your way of life, and I wish you much luck and future success. You can do it!
I can’t help a ton with her financial problems, per se, but I can offer advice on health/diet.
If Kim is willing to change her diet around, she will both lose weight and help get her bipolar under control. Fish oil (lots of omega-3s) will help her and it’s cheaper than therapy at this time. I have a LOT more suggestions about what a true healthy diet is on my website (hint: it’s not what you think!) so I encourage her, and everyone else, to check it out.
Sorry this is a tough time! It sounds like you feel overwhelmed, I know how that feels. It’s hard to make a lot of external changes when you don’t feel steady – I think whatever will help you feel better will then make it possible for you to sort out all the external stuff.
So I’d check out therapy and see if it helps. Try it for a month or two, if it doesn’t help, look for something else or a different therapist.
From my own experience, when I get really anxious about wanting things to be different, and the list is long and I don’t have the energy to do it all, it helps me to do something that makes me feel calm and connected to my body, or uses my senses… you could check to see if there’s a free clinic or center that offers alternative healing (done by volunteers) for people with chronic conditions… This could help you experience a little window of calm that you can expand. If not, take a walk, with or without your son.
Something that helped me get more energy and also feel more relaxed was yoga – try a beginners class; lots of places will give you a free week, and there are people teaching for less than studios charge. I lost 20 lbs in 4 months and have kept it off for over a year, by going to yoga 1-2x/week, and my triceps rock now, but the best benefit was feeling more settled. I get that feeling after a class, not always during it.
It’s hard for me to do multiple behavior changes at once; I get more overwhelmed. In the food department, if I try really hard to avoid things I melt down, but if I add fresh foods, somehow that helps. I may still eat some unhealthy stuff but the balance changes, so pick up a few apples, bananas, whatever fresh vegetables you might cut up and take with you. It is really challenging for me to plan healthy foods but adding fresh stuff I can take with me is the route that’s worked for me.
And keep enjoying your boyfriend. I think it’s great he cares for you and wants to help; practice accepting help from him and others as you take care of yourself. Sometimes I don’t want to rely on anyone, but that makes it harder than it needs to be if I am not willing to accept help.
Take care, it will get easier!
So here are my thoughts, which echo a lot of the other posters.
1) Mental Health, get it right. Without this, you won’t be able to properly prioritize.
2) Dental health, you’ve got the insurance, take care of it before it becomes a problem. Fillings are much cheaper than extractions. If cost is an issue, talk to your dentist, maybe you can negotiate a cash price that’s a little less.
3) Look into local government services. Though I personally find myself loathe to take government services, I pay for them and so do you, you might as well use them. Further I find at least for me that my aversion to using them helps me straighten things out so I don’t have to use them anymore.
4) If mom has a land line, drop the cell phone, even an old disabled phone can still call 911. If she has no landline, get the free government paid for phone for her https://www.safelinkwireless.com/EnrollmentPublic/home.aspx. If not that, get a cheap pre-paid. Presumably this is about being in touch in an emergency, so that’s all you need.
5) Get out of the relationship. Until you get #1 sorted out, I think any relationship is going to be rocky at best, and after 2 failed marriages, the evidence points to that.
6) Get a room mate. If you can, move in with mom, this will lower your housing expenses and your food and utility expenses as well as reduce or eliminate the stipend you’re paying. If you can’t move in with mom, move in with a friend, a co-worker or anyone else you can trust, but who will not tack on an emotional / romantic burden to it (so not the boyfriend).
7) Drop the cable. The internet is a wonderful thing and most of what you want to watch is probably online for free in some form or another. Besides, if you want to get in shape, what better way than to drop the boob tube and start exercising.
8) If you can, sell the car, get a cheaper one with lower or no payments. Used honda civics / toyota camarys are cheap, plentiful and good on gas. If you really want something new(ish) used Toyota yaris’ can be had for less than 10k. Learn to drive a stick shift and save ~1-2k on any car.
9) Vacation. Skip the big trip, as others have said, try for camping. Find a state park with free camping sites, and you can probably borrow the equipment from your son’s scout troop for little to no money.
10) Skip buying things you don’t need. You don’t need the trainer, you don’t need the gym membership and your son doesn’t need to be part of the soccer gold club or whatever upsell they try to hit you with.
11) Shop for food once per month if you can manage it. The less you go to the grocery store, the less you’ll buy “just this one other thing”. Along with this, get a BJ’s / Sam’s Club card and buy bulk where you can. Buy off brand where you can’t.
12) Drop any soda’s / high sugar drinks you may be buying. Invest in a water jug / dispenser for your fridge so you can always have cold water. If you must have flavor, try Fulfill (http://www.discountcoffee.com/fulfill-fitness.htm)
13) Cut out the 1k wedding. If you’ve been paying mom’s stipend for months, you’re sibling should be able to assist in making that cheaper.
Don’t know if you’ll get to this comment after all the others, but I suggest the book Feel Good Naked. It really helped me change myself.
It’s not a diet book and it’s not just about your body. It’s about your life.
The “tip” about exercising for 10 minutes a day was huge for me, in particular. Walk “out” for 5 mins and then walk back. Do it every day. Let yourself stop after that 10 mins if you really want to, but keep going if you want to.
Eventually that walk will be as important for your mental health as your physical health and you’ll see results. You’ll walk a lot more than 10 minutes and you’ll love it.
Prior to this book, I always thought if I couldn’t exercise for 20 mins or 30 mins every day, for whatever reason, there wasn’t any point in going. There’s a lot of point. Just give yourself permission to take those baby steps.
You say you are 26 with a 7 year old but pregnant when you were 17????
Anyhow, doesn’t the father help with support?
Hi Kim,
a lot of excellent advice there, 104 and 105 especially seem to list the basics.
Being a counselor myself I have seen a number of cases like yours.
My guess is you could do with more consequent behavior. Once somebody makes you do things (car rates etc., sisters’s wedding) you follow through with them, if no one coerces you, you let things slip (your son’s teeth etc.)
I feel you won’t be able to implement any of the good advice given above if you don’t get beyond this obstacle.
Please ask yourself – for YOU are the expert for your life – how you think you can become more consistent.
By finding a therapist and taking care of your mental stability?
By getting someone to ask you a few “control” questions every day (like “have you written down your expenses yet …”)
By saying “NO” or “I’ll think about it ” at least once a day when you’re not 100% convinced you should say yes?
By finding an e-mail partner to whom you report regularly which steps you have taken to deal with your day? (I offer that service on a monthly flatrate basis as a counselor and find it helps people immensely to actually sit down in the evening and write down what happened. The act of writing to a real reader who responds already sorts out thoughts and emotions, leads to insight and helps to build self-confidence.) You may find somebody in similar straits who would do that on a mutual basis.
Be creative – find your own “controlling” method! You’re in charge …
Finally – no sweat: just start somewhere with your problemsolving, teeth or tv, your choice. If you apply the right principles, solutions will crop up in all other fields over time, too. Your brain is built that way.
Best of luck!
In addition to choosing your priorities, to stop feeling overwhelmed you could also start a different kind of budgetting.
Next to tracking your spending, start tracking your consumption. I do this only for food, but it has made a major difference in how I spend my money. The result is that I live from a 40 euro a week budget, and from that use 17,50 euro a week for food, save 10 euro a week for emergencies and the rest for transportation and so on. All the other money goes to my fixed costs.
To track your consumption, use your spreadsheets to write down everything you consume, including its cost. So every slice of bread, every thing that goes on to it, every cup of coffee, write it down and calculate for every day the total cost. This will be a lot of work at first, but later on much of it will take only copy/pasting of previous entries.
The daily costs should be fairly constant, and can be used to make a weekly budget. This is easier than trying to make a budged based on your spending. The daily costs can also be seen as a daily budget, and by comparing the costs in the spreadsheet will help you generate the leeway you want for yourself. In that way you can create some rest for yourself and stop feeling overwhelmed.
Still having to pinch every penny? Then try things as
– buying only food from the food pyramid (no soda’s, sweets, etc.). Cook them yourself.
– eating less meat and more beans, pulses and so on (can be dollars cheaper per serving than meat).
– per item in the food pyramid, loosely determine the five cheepest ingredients (from vegetables, fruit, carbohydrates, protein, fats and dairy), and don’t spend more on these ingredients than the most expensive ones from the list you’ve created. You’ll see that unless you were too strict, there is still ample choice in every category.
– Make it yourself. For example, a bread making machine pays itself back very quickly when you use basic ingredients only, making your own jam provides for cheap sandwich filling, as does homemade humus made from dried chickpeas.
Budgetting your consumption instead of your spending, you’ll start to focus on what’s really necessary. Thus, setting the artificial boundaries for yourself, you will create leeway for yourself. And that way you will avoid bumping into imposed boundaries and feel less overwhelmed.
(I’m kind of wondering if this is a real person or if it is just a letter someone made up and sent to all the sites. It doesn’t really matter because this COULD be true, however.) :)
Anyway, I think that reason most advise her to get rid of the boyfriend is that according to the first line, she isn’t even divorced yet from her husband (“going through a dissolution of marriage”). This gives out red flags to some people…including me. What’s the hurry with a new guy when the old one isn’t even completely out of the picture yet?
Anyway, you have so much advice here that it would be great to follow much of it.
One comment though…if you can manage to discipline even a small area of your personal life, you may find them all falling in place. You seem to be dependable and able to hold down a job fine…otherwise you wouldn’t have two jobs and a coaching job–congratulations!
IOW, you may be depressed because you feel fat. Or you may eat too much because food brings stress relief/emotional relief. Getting one or the other under control may bring automatic relief to the other.
I think the vacation at home is a great idea or visit grandparents/sister, etc. and camp.
Last summer (09) after I had saved and saved for our holiday to Denmark to go to Legoland (we live in Poland), I figured that we had exactly enough to spend only one night in a hotel in Denmark (We have a large family and hotels there are very expensive.) I told my kids rather sadly…”We can’t do it this year after all unless we go tenting/camping”–because hotels for us were just too much-we could afford the gas, meals (1 meal “out” per day) at fast food and gas, but the hotels were just too much. If we want to go, we’ll have to go camping/tenting. The kids erupted in cheering.
Another thing. If the child is that busy at 7, how busy will he be at 13? I can’t imagine that he needs to be this busy. Kids do need free time to just “exist” and “play outside” and “get bored”. I’ve not understood why parents put their kids in so many activities that the child or parent can barely squeeze in down time.
Please get a full medical checkup with blood work, including a full thyroid panel, to rule any physical cause for your depression/bi-polar. Undiagnosed thyroid problems can mimic bi-polar symptoms and cause weight gain and anti-depressants might make an underlying thyroid problem worse. Same for your son – get his annual physical then the dentist for both of you. Baby teeth count – cavities are infections! Have the dental hygientist work with your son on proper flossing/brushing technique.
Cancel the cable, end it with the boyfriend (sounds like the typical Knight in Shining Armor type – do you really want to play the Damsel in Distress for the rest of your life?), have your son pick his two favorite extras (maybe one sports, one arts) and get the counseling on track. Pay your own car insurance (you are 26!) and pay your Dad for babysitting per hour the same you are paying your Mom – no more or less. Personal trainer? No.
Emergency fund first! And, wow, since when did Bridesmaids pay for the wedding? The vacation is easy – check to see if any of your state parks have primitive cabins (our run about $20 a night) and plan a few weekend trips – the 7 yr old will love it. Like camping but with a dry roof and floor and not special equipment needed. A one year family membership to the local zoo/aquarium /musuem (with reciprocal benefits) is also a wonderful option. Does your son have his library card yet? If not, make a special trip – signing a library card with a Sharpie is a big deal for most kids.
Yes, you are doing too much. What are you running from? Time to slow down and focus on yourself and your son. Just like on the airplane – put your oxygen mask on first before helping others!
You need to make MAJOR changes. Think about everything MAJOR that you’re in…
You need to move aggressively against big expenses. Move in with your mother or boyfriend.
And, right now, say NO to:
cable
eating out
sweets
soda
the car you’re paying $300/month for
vacations
anything discretionary
You’re young. And you definitely seem capable of making sacrifices and tough decisions.
Other people have already covered what I was going to say, so I’ll just say, good luck! Also, I don’t think we took a single vacation when I was a kid that didn’t involve camping. Even when we went to Washington, D. C. we camped outside the city and just drove in every day. And I loved it! It was so much fun to be out in nature, to be able to swim and roast hot dogs and sleep outside. I don’t think your son would see this as deprivation at all.
I know this has been said a couple hundred times, but step #1 is to get back to therapy. Bi-polar is hell on you and your kid (even if you don’t think he notices). The right therapist should help you manage your condition and your need (and likely inability, if you aren’t healthy) to prioritize.
For what it’s worth – teeth = yes; vacation = no; good talk with mom about needs = yes; exercising (walking, sports practice, whatever) with your kid = excellent idea.
Get a copy of You Need a Budget Pro at ynab.com. Read as much as you can on their website about how to use the program. It will tell you where your money is going and it will definitely help you prioritize your current and future expenses. You Need a Budget Pro is the best thing I ever did to control expenses and plan for the future. Good Luck.
I’m not a big help on the money issues, but as far as the weight loss, that’s something I’ve been working on a lot. Like with your budget, you need to track everything you put in your mouth. I use Livestrong.com’s Daily Plate, which is free, and has a pretty awesome database of foods. There are other places to go as well – that’s just the one I happen to use.
You also need to get moving during the day, moreso than you’re already doing at work. Take walks on your breaks, climb stairs, if possible. Walks with your son could be a wonderful way to spend some time together talking.
Like with money, you’ve got to make the choice to be responsible with your food and exercise every day – good luck!
1) REPLACE the cable—find ways to watch TV over the internet, such as Hulu and channel websites (i.e. the Discovery website, the National Geographic Channel website, and others often have a library of full episodes available to watch on their sites); a Netflix subscription is generally much cheaper than cable, and there are even many TV programs available as a series of YouTube videos. Also, look into finding different ways to replace the mild/relaxing recreational value of watching TV—playing card and board games with your son or with your son and boyfriend, for example; games can often be found cheap at thrift stores.
2) Get the therapy. Your mental health is the foundation on which the rest of your life resides, and if this is compromised, so is everything else.
3) Ignore people’s (ridiculous) advice to get rid of the boyfriend. Dropping a good relationship because it came at an inconvenient time is likely to be more hurtful and wasteful (to both of you) than helpful in any regard. That said, be on the active lookout for negative patterns that could be undermining your relationships—consider what went wrong in your previous ones and consciously try to avoid them in this one. Don’t be guilty about accepting help from this man—if it’s really that hard to accept help at this time, keep track of the help given and promise yourself that you’ll pay it back to him somehow later, when you have your affairs better in order.
4) Research possible vacation destinations/activities with a mind toward keeping the cost down. Vacations can be very expensive or very cheap. Fool around with budgets and itineraries before you make a blanket decision on whether you can afford “a vacation.”
5) Don’t bother with a personal trainer. Discipline is not something you can get by paying for; if you do not learn to make yourself work out, you will not get any benefits with or without the personal trainer. Consider ways to get yourself motivated, such as promising to work out for five minutes (after which point it will be easier to continue), or taking a class in an activity you think you’d enjoy (yes, this costs money too, but less, and you would have a time commitment and people to work out with).
Best of luck.
Kim,
One thought regarding your stated desire to lose weight that I haven’t seen mentioned is Weight Watchers. Yes, it costs – about $40 a month, though there are other options – but we all know that overweight is costly, too. There’s nothing magical about the program, but it offers social support and accountability, which are crucial for success. (I’m not a paid anything for Weight Watchers, by the way, just a very satisfied customer.)
If you choose not to do that, try just writing down all the things you eat each day – it helps keep us aware of what’s actually going in. Or slowly increase your fruit and vegetable intake – like, have an apple as a snack every morning, that kind of thing.
Good luck, Kim! You are capable of reaching the other end of the tunnel.
1. Skip the trainer & walk, ride bikes with your son-its free & you will be spending fun time with your son-for the cost of 1 personal trainer session you could get a bike on craigslist
2. What are you paying for your Mom’s cell phone? Net10 is $15 a month for 150 minutes-you need to talk honestly with her about what you can & cannot afford.
3. Please re-read your request for help-your son’s teeth are in dire need of attention that you are willingly overlooking while spending $1000 on your sister’s wedding-its one thing to overlook your own health but just like to are compromising your own health in order to make others happy you are now also doing the same to your son.
4. Exercise is a well documented treatment for depression-try it and hopefully it will work for you.
5. You are not teaching your son money management by driving a car you cannot afford, spending $1000 on a wedding that is not yours and you cannot afford, paying for Moms cell phone & her for babysitting while overlooking your son’s health-letting his teeth rot because they will eventually fall out anyway…what are you teaching him about how much you value him?
6. Since you are willing to ignore your son’s health in order to focus funds in other areas you are probably going to cancel the trip he has been counting on vs telling your sister you cannot spend on her wedding or telling your mother you cannot afford her phone-he does come last but I urge you to follow another’s advise and take him camping for 3 or 4 days as he will love it-if you cancel on him rather than teaching him money management (because he can see you spend on other things) you will be teaching him that he comes last.
Truly focus on your son, be honest with yourselfand possibly take a break from men for awhile-its hard for a kid to go through a divorce and now you are asking him to bond with a new man that may be gone next year…
Try a women’s center in your community. They often will provide therapy appointments for free or on a sliding scale.
As for vacation: Borrow gear and go camping. It is cheap. It is fun. Your son will love it.
Take care of yourself. See a therapist. Go to the dentist. Create a savings account. Cut cable TV and go to the library (where you can rent tons of DVDs and books. I currently don’t have TV and don’t miss it). Exercise on your own–find a friend, write it down, etc. View it as stress relief and your opinion may change about it.
Start working to find a better paying job. What does this mean? Maybe community college classes, maybe a trade program. Maybe networking. Ask questions about job demand and possible future earnings. I once invested $1,000 in a week-long training for a rare skill in my industry, which has nearly doubled my (very small) pay check as it lead to in-demand and higher-skilled jobs, and it help me find a network in which to find those jobs.
And tell your boyfriend what you told us. Honesty is always the best policy.
There are a couple of things you could look into to maximize your monthly cash flow:
First – regarding TV, if you have an internet connection (at least DSL, no dial-up) you can watch tons of TV online for free. With about $60 you can get a Roku player to hook up and for $10 / month, Netflix will give you all the TV and movies you could want. We cut our cable down to basic (so we could watch sports) and all of our normal TV watching is via Netflix.
Second – you don’t need that nice car. Shop around and ask friends or family who the “car guy” they know is – everyone knows one. You can get a dependable used car to get you from point A to B for well below $2000.
I’d like to thank everyone for their thoughts and input. Seeing it in black and white helped me immensley!
I made an appointment with my therapist on Friday for the first available which is coming up soon.
I also cancelled the cable and signed up for Netflix.
I’m still tracking my expenses and since sending this letter to GRS I have signed up for Mint.com.
I’m still taking the vacation with my bf (he is paying) and my sons teeth have already been fixed so I’ve set up a savings account to repair mine (my health & dental insurance aren’t very good).
My computer was on its last leg (10 years old) and finally died, I’m living without one until I can pay cash for a replacement. I’m currently writing this from my work computer on a break.
The issues I haven’t dealt with include my mother. My sister got married already so that $1000 is gone, I’m considering it a life lesson. I’ve bounced some ideas around with my son regarding activities and vacations but we haven’t decided anything yet. He is turning 8 in a few weeks so we are concentrating on enjoying that.
I’m going to continue coaching but lay off some of the cub scout volunteer work. Coaching is an immense responsibility with a great pay off, I think it is worth it!
I may or may not quit the second job. I haven’t decided to quit yet but have decided to take it day by day.
Thank you again!
Dear Kim,
I’m glad that the comments helped you get back on the right track.
Some extra tips on buying a new computer:
1. Shop around and look online (use a library computer.. i don’t think your work would allow that)
2. I suggest getting a desktop (if you don’t need to carry your CPU all over the place) because it’s cheaper than a laptop and you get more for your money.
3. DO NOT buy the extended warranties. CPU’s usually have 1 year warranty plus you can self-insure your CPU by saving for a replacement ($10 a month should be enough)
I hope this helps. :P
Kim–
I am so happy to hear that you are going in such a good direction. It seems like you took the first best step–realizing there is an issue and making a plan to figure out how to resolve your problems, rather than hide from them. I must tell you, I have the utmost respect for you putting yourself and your difficult situation out there for all of us to read, judge, and comment on. Very best of luck to you.
It seems like a difficult situation and I think anyone in that situation would be overwhelmed, but its good that you know where you want to get to and are trying to get there through every little step in the right direction.
I would personally skip the vacation, they are short lived and expensive. Keep the cable, if you can’t go somewhere TV is a cheaper escape for an hour or two.
I would keep helping mom, I do something similar for mine.
I would cut back on the sports/games/activities if it means you can get some therapy in once a month or so although costs for that might be high if insurance doesn’t cover it.
A trainer wouldn’t be wise right now, exercise takes energy that you probably want to direct to some of these things that can get solved more quickly and address that later.
I think being honest with your son about the situation will help him understand and find ways to help you reach your goals because he will want things to work out in the end too, his life will be better if this gets better too.
Don’t worry about the bf. Men are pretty self suffucient and you’re trying to make sure your life and your son’s are surviving from day to day, which is the bigger priority. I’m sure he can take care of himself.
I hope things get better for you and keep trying every day to get to a better place.
These are just my opinions, if it doesn’t work out like this for you, I’m sure you will find a way to make things happen.
Dont get a trainer – save that money you were planning on spending on the trainer and put it aside for therapy (but dont go just yet).
Make a short term goal – VERY short – go outside and jog around the block.
Make a longer term goal – Do the same thing tomorrow.
Make a long term commitment – Go an extra block next week.
Try to repeat that cycle – you’ll see it does wonders for your waistline as well as your psyche. You MAY not need to go to the therapist if you keep that up (although i dont know how severe your condition is).
For my .02 on the rest of your questions:
Cut the cable and watch pbs.
Keep the 2nd job till the car is paid off.
If you think any of that will dis-enchant your son or b/f; dont sweat it. You can take them on your jog/walks – it’ll be a great time with them.
Good luck!
Keep the second job to pay off your debt. Get rid of the boyfriend and focus all your free time on your son and yourself. The great guy (boyfriend) will understand that you need to focus on your child until he is at least 18. Look what happened to you.. 17 and pregnant. Then, prioritize your needs each month. 1. food 2. utilities 3. rent. 4. etc. 5. etc.. Your list is always changing. Maybe 4. will be soccer dues one month and then next month 4 will be his cavity. Wishing you the best.
Readphox
This is important: Neglected cavities in non-permanent teeth can affect the health of permanent teeth coming in later.
Moreover, poor dental health and inadequate dental hygiene can affect one’s overall health negatively. For example, there is a connection between gingivitis and heart attacks- The bacteria that flourishes in badly cared for mouth causes gingivitis, is released into bloodstream via inflamed gums and then causes collection of plaque in arteries which may later lead to a heart attack.
Please don’t neglect any part of your son’s or your own health- not dental, not mental, not physical. Make getting you both in best possible health your #1 priority because health is your most important asset. Poor health affects every other aspect of your life negatively.
What a mess! No advice, other than to start saying ‘No!’ more often. This really makes me glad for two things: That I am no longer in my twenties and that I never married. You have to protect yourself first, beacause at the end of the day YOU are all you’ve got–especially after 40.
Chiming in late, so there are too many comments to wade thru… but, being with your son and cutting your weight both of high importance? Take those recommended walks *with* him. Set some goals on how far to walk each day, and after awhile, how fast. This gets some great time together and gets you toward other goals as well – you’ll feel better, it can get easier to eat better, heck, you can maybe even walk to the store to buy food to cook when you get home or for the next day.
Your situation sounds similar to mine, and you have your youth and energy going for you. I went through a yearlong divorce and custody lawsuit six years ago in my mid-forties that cost me upwards of $150,000. I was also gravely ill during that year, incurring untimely medical bills. The divorce is over and everyone is getting along now, and I’m healthier, but the financial toll was tremendous. I’m half way to paying it off and am pretty certain I have another 7 years ahead of me. I had been a good money manager prior but I was not prepared for a lawsuit of that proportion combined with a significant illness. I’m a three-degreed professional, and make about $80,000 a year, before taxes. Fortunately, I was able to retain my very modest home since it had been mine all along. Stability for my child was key, so keeping my home was very high priority.
To pay the attorney and court fees, medical expenses and a modest sum to my former spouse, I had to take out credit card loans, a home equity line of credit, and use my savings that was originally to be applied to my graduate school loan. Approximately three-quarters of my income (without the second job) was used for a $1600 mortgage and monthly debt payments of $2000. My living expenses, which included food, electricity, water and garbage, phone, household maintenance, clothing for the two of us, heating, gas and car maintenance, and some incidental school fees were limited to $700 a month. It also included Internet since my work requires it. Daunting? Well, yes it was, and still is. At the beginning of each month, I wasn’t sure how I would pay for the minimum expenses, particularly food but I structured every single penny I could get my hands on, and read every possible budget book I could find from my local library. I will thank the patron saint of libraries and librarians again and again for their resources and knowledge. As a result of my research and my practice, here’s what I did, and you might find it helpful.
I paid off the smallest credit card amounts first, at the same time I was paying the minimum on everything else, aka the snowball method. It made a significant psychological difference to be sure. Thousands and thousands of dollars of debt can be painful and sobering, so I looked at every angle I could cut, from hanging my wet laundry to dry, to adding plastic to my windows for additional insulation during the winter, to walking to the grocery store so I could use less gas, to freezing summer fruits and vegetables for the year. I also made a menu plan of every single meal for the month, and I still continue to do that. I began making my own breads; I was already adept at making soups, stews, desserts and the like. I diligently freeze ahead of time and use every bit of food in the pantry until the next grocery run. We’re meat eaters, but it didn’t stop us from having bean dishes at least ¼ of the month. You’d be surprised how much you can save with that particular protein source. I also own a pressure cooker and a slow cooker, since work is very demanding and being an attentive half-time single mom requires time efficiency. These two cooking tools I could not live without. I continually asked myself, “What healthy meals can I cook that cost literally pennies per serving?” I did it, I still do it, and I believe every family can. Skip dining out. We do it on the cheap only for very special events, and sometimes it’s just my kid. I wait until I get home and eat what we have.
Incredulous as this sounds, prior to the divorce our family deliberately chose to be a no cable home, and I will tell you that children do far better academically, socially and emotionally without it. My child still has TV access through friends and other relatives, so there is no lack of knowledge about the Lindsay Lohans and Glee. Reading, drawing, listening to music and the company of friends are more valuable than anything cable can offer.
I let my extended family and friends know to expect little in the way of comparable gifts during holidays and birthdays. We began a very creative phase of homemade gifts from cookbooks to ornaments to very warm hats. Nobody has complained, and our gifts are retained for years because of their usefulness and thoughtfulness.
Our vacations during the first three years were free activities through community centers, the library and the lake or the nearby beach. We camp more now, but it’s still an expense with gas, food, and camping fees. I do, though, recommend that you don’t shortchange your kid and the experiences of life. Do what you can to find ways to explore your region without or very little cost, and then go camping when you can afford it. Forget the big vacation, and frankly, invest in your kid first, not a new partner. Kids have one time to experience childhood with an invested and present parent, or parents, so I would highly encourage you to reconsider your romantic life for now and get back on track with your kid.
I committed to give my child even the smallest of allowances and am thankful that I have. Financial literacy comes through boom and near bust, and if your child isn’t learning the art of finance through every kind of situation, then he will repeat your situation through sheer want.
To get me through the first two years, I had some project work in the evenings in addition to my regular day job, and schlepped my child with me wherever I needed to go. The extra income was vital, and my child completed homework or read books.
I don’t have a car payment, and would advise you to sell your new car and find a good used one. A good mechanic is as valuable as a good doctor, so find the name of your doctor’s mechanic, and have him/her help you find a good used car under $4,000. They’re out there because I have one.
Maintain your health, and particularly your family’s dental health through whatever cheap means necessary. Dental schools and technical colleges offer dental outpatient clinics for those with limited resources. At a minimum, have your teeth cleaned every six months. I can’t speak to your mental health disorder, but there are clinics available on sliding scales or for free. Walking outside on a regular basis can be uplifting in addition to increasing your blood flow and your vitamin D. I would advise you against joining a club or hiring a personal training assistant. Walking consistently, even to the grocery store, will do far more for your health, your relationships (both your child and your neighborhood), and your pocketbook. The idea that we need to spend money on physical exercise is ridiculous.
I keep every receipt and document every expense. It takes time, but your financial life will improve. I also buy gently used furniture, clothing, gardening tools, tools in general, toys and games. I never buy books or DVD’s because my library has everything. I prepare my meals well in advance so it takes very little time to warm up food and serve, offering us as a family time to go over homework or decompress together from our day. Set your table with candles and make each meal special, even if it’s a bean dish and the two of you. Be grateful for everything you have, particularly your youthfulness. I wish you every success on your journey.
Kim,
To start you are not alone in this drama, most people are not sure or are attempting to fix this issue. All of my current customers were like that when thye first came to me. It can be a tricky thing to fix but if done properly you can overcome all of the issues you have highlighted.
First I see you are talking about services like cable, vacations etc etc. the way for you to best answer this question is to create an accurate budget. Let the budget dictate what you can and cannot do. Bounce that off of your goals, from my stand point your priority should be to eliminate ALL your debt, it will choke you and limit your abilities to do all the things you are wanting and needing.
Here is my suggestion:
1. Create a budget and stick to it.
2. Prioritize your money to be heavy on debt elimination , this will provide much better bang for future needs,
How to attack your debt will depend on what debt you are dealing with currently. Even a small 500 dollar balance can cost you a fortune if handled improperly . So if this is something that you are ot able to quite get done on your on then YES get someone involved who can help. Ther are companies that can provide you the knowledge needed to wipe your debts away efficiently and show you how to plan for all the things you want to do.
The time to start is now , waiting will not fix your issue, the sooner you get started the sooner you can produce some miraculous results.
Good luck with your problem and I hope you fnd the solution that is right for you.
-George