Ask the Readers: Help! I’m Overwhelmed! How Do I Get Started?

This question was just in the Reader Mailbag on The Simple Dollar on Monday (essentially word for word).

I don’t have any real advice for her other than to wish her luck.

Cut out cable-you won’t miss it and it’s not a priority compared to the other things you’re dealing with.

“I have a need to accomplish things on my own”

You are not accomplishing things on your own. You are accepting help from relatives and you have debts in the form of loans or credit cards. This is accepting help from strangers. The thing about family and friends is they don’t charge you interest. You should not feel shame in accepting help from someone close to you, because that is what family and friends are for. To help you when you are down, (the best of friends always will), whether it is emotionally or monetarily or just to give you a drive somewhere. The thing that may help when someone offers to help is to draw up an agreement on paper stating how much is borrowed and what minimum payments you will make. If someone can lend you enough money to get rid of all or most of your current debt you can pay it off quicker since your payments back to your friend will go all to the principle.

Here’s how I’d look at it:

1) Decide who/what is the most important to you. I’m gonna assume your son is the most important person to you.

2) Since your son is completely dependent on you, take the steps necessary to make yourself healthy. This way, you can provide for him as effectively as possible.

3) Separate needs from wants. Yeah, it’s trite but true. Mom’s cell phone HAS to take a back seat to more pressing concerns right now. Cable TV is a luxury, really. A trainer is another luxury — but maybe a group class would get you going with personal fitness for a more reasonable price. Can you plan the promised vacation with minimal budget? Can’t be Disney–but maybe you can borrow some camping gear, or couchsurf in an interesting city within reasonable driving distance from your home.

4) Ease up on the guilt. You can only do the best you can. The choices you make AREN’T going to be perfect. But DO make some choices and move on. Don’t second guess… just do.

I feel that I have read this question elsewhere…

Anyway, at this point in your life you can only focus on your needs. Vacations, weddings, cable, and helping out mom should not even be on your radar.

Getting therapy and meds is your number one priority. Next, is visiting the dentist. You can check out dental schools or speak with local dentists to get estimates and make payment arrangements.

As far as the weight gain–make healthier food choices, eat less, and start a simple walk/jog routine. The solutions are easy it is the implementation that is difficult.

Maybe you could live with your mom for a while until you are more stabilized financially. I would also check out Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover book from your local library and start to implement his plan. You need to tell your money what to do and start living on a budget.

Just remember you cannot help others until you help yourself.

Wow, that’s a tough one. You seem to think and also do a lot about your situation. This is good.
I would scratch the vacation, if you can explain this to your boyfriend and maybe do just a few long weekends instead? Re your mother, have you discussed this hith her? Maybe she will accept if you don’t pay her cell phone bill until you are debt free? Vacation with son is a tough decision. Is it possible to do it cheaper? Or your new boyfriend paying part of it if he is going there with you?
I’d definitely NOT pay a personal trainer. I second the suggestion to walk. But I personally find it difficult to exercise if I’m not doing it every day. Maybe walking for ten minutes every day would be a good start. Walking also usually helps depressed people. I don’t know if it will help you in your mental condition though. I realize changing eating habits is difficult for a lot of people but I would also look into it. My rule of thumb is, if you want to lose weight, you cannot eat anything which tastes sweet. No exceptions (unsweeted fruit in small amounts is allowed). I’ve seen too many overweight people who “cannot lose weight even if trying” but eat cakes for lunch, “just as a little treat, it’s nothing really”. Healthier diet may also be cheaper, see Jakob at earlyretirementextreme.
I’d cut the cable TV, does it really contribute so much to your life? Watching TV usually makes me depressed but it may cheer you up, I don’t know.
And get your son’s teeth fixed, this may become much uglier later. I’d try to focus on things which are necessary to keep you running. Especially you (mental) health.
In any case, good luck, you seem to have what you need to work this out, maybe just a little luck is missing.

I hear you. I’ve been in the same sort of merged problems becoming a perfect storm. But with no kid! You impress me.

My advice. Get with the exercise. It will help with the mental health. But don’t go with the personal trainer – at your (and my) budget level, you need to go it alone. Find a friend willing to walk with you every morning. Or… make your kid your trainer. Find a book with soccer exercises and come up with a routine to do, combined with a fast walk. If you got a good one going, you could easily start a larger parent/child workout group.

Can you put your mother’s cell phone on your family plan? That would probably help some. I know from friend’s that kid’s activities are all too often run by wealthier people, who don’t understand that some people can’t just fork out money unplanned. I’d bring it up at some sort of meeting – my friend brought it up in terms of budgeting, that she was trying to teach her kids about money, and wanted the costs to be known so they could save. Then work on whittling down the costs and/or coming up with some sort of sliding scale fees.

I’d also give your son an important lesson in planning – tell him that you are saving for a vacation – and that you will have a vacation that costs as much as you have been able to save. My ex-in-laws do that. They stay home from work for the week and plan as many activities as they can afford, mostly day trips. There are probably low cost things to do nearby that will add lots of good memories. Good memories are the purpose of vacations and planning can get you those without money.

On cable TV, it depends. We cut back in the summer. You might want to cut back for the school year. Would your son be cut off socially without being able to watch the TV shows other kids are talking about?

On the mental health – it depends on how you are feeling. I find it is often easier to work on stuff on my own, with a firm baseline of I get help if I can’t get things together on my own. You could try calling around and seeing if there is someone willing to talk to you about putting a plan together for self care and prioritizing your life. You want to find someone willing to do a short term plan with some followup if you need guidance. Therapy can make things better or worse, depending on if the therapist is trying to help you move on or figure out the root of your problems. Note: this last bit is often more about short term versus long term.

Also, what I have found that really helps is play to your strengths. Really try to up the happiness-added value of the things that are going right. Create pockets of success that you can build on.

I’m not a parent, so keep that in mind when reading my response. But when I was growing up, I had a parent who was so absorbed by the stress of providing for the family that it really soured our relationship, and only recently (decades later) have we started to rebuild that relationship.

With that in mind, I’d keep in mind that your son isn’t as interested in receiving *things* from you as he is in seeing you *healthy and happy*. If cutting back on scouting or coaching will afford you the personal time to mentally recover (be it in therapy or in time spent with friends or just relaxing at home), I’d pursue that route. Your son will appreciate the change in environment, and won’t fault you for taking the personal time.

With regards to your finances, I concur with Sam: lean on family. Your mother shouldn’t be such a financial burden to you that it jeopardizes your health or your relationship with your son. As a mother, you priority is the safety of your son, and you can’t provide him financial safety with your mother adding to the budget strain. Supporting her is a noble ambition, but you have greater priorities right now.

Also, I’d keep the second job until your debt is paid off. Cut your mother’s stipend and cell phone bill and use that money to pay down your debt faster. Once the debt is gone and you have a bit of a safety net (for you and your son), then that would be a good time to reconsider your job options.

Finally, don’t feel guilty about taking a vacation, but be sure that you’re taking care of higher priorities first. Your son’s health is priority #1, and your family’s financial security is #2. A “staycation” is a great option, but you shouldn’t be spending money unnecessarily until everything else is in order.

Cut the Allowance (when in financial trouble, 7-yr-olds don’t need $$). Cut half of the activities for the little boy (this will help finances AND mental health). Absolutely cut the cable (and spend the non-TV time with the little boy (win/win !!). Cut the help to Mum in half (yes, she helped immensely when you were 17, but are you hurting yourself out of the GUILT ?) I would say “Good Luck”, but “Luck” has nothing to do with it. You sound very very responsible and strong. You’ll do fine if you PUT YOURSELF & LITTLE GUY FIRST.

take a deep breath.

instead of trying to figure out where the 8K is going… create a budget and work with it. See if you can base your budget off one job. 36K is not a fortune, but we’ve raised more people on less money for years.

If your mother needs your help financially, consider moving in with her and combining some resources to save you both. (instead of stipend and paying babysitting)

Your son is most important, without giving up your own health and ability to care for him. Get your health looked after. $25 for a 50min visit is a great deal.

Go for walks with your boyfriend or pick up an exercise video from the library and $12 on free weights to lift. You do not need the personal trainer. Once your life has balance, paying attention to weight will be easier. Focus on taking care of yourself.

the vacation? sounds like more stress than it is worth.

I’ve been in almost this exact position.

Swallow your pride, take the help. Any help. As much as you can. Think of it like a sink or swim situation–the life preserver is worth it. Don’t drown to save your pride.

I neglected mental health for a while, too. And physical health. It took too long to fix when I went back because of it. Try to take even baby steps for the mental or the physical health if you can, to mitigate that.

Keep your head up. You did it! And you’re going to be fine. I know you will. You’ve proven your strength and that will serve you well for the rest of your life. *hugs*

Instead of giving your mother money a stipend and her giving you free babysitting, pay her a fair wage for babysitting. It might come out more or less the same, but she won’t feel she’s accepting charity and you won’t feel you’re sacrificing your goals for her. Babysitting will just be a line item on your budget, as it should be.

Instead of getting a personal trainer, try to find someone who needs dog-walking services in the evenings. You and your son can get exercise together, you’ll bring in a little bit of extra income, and because it’s an obligation, you’ll be more likely to do it.

Speaking of budgets, Dave Ramsey’s plan seems tailor-made for your situation. It will help you with prioritizing and repaying debt. Your health and your son’s health are priorities, but look for ways to save wherever you can (e.g., dental school for lower-priced dental services). Vacation is not a priority, but if you must, make it a weekend camping trip instead of an expensive city vacation. Your son will understand.

Finally, this won’t help much but I’m going to go ahead and say it. Shame on your sister for requiring/allowing you to spend so much on her wedding. I’m also curious, because I have a hunch she has more room in her finances than you do, whether she is helping your mother.

That the same exact question was on The Simple Dollar probably just speaks to how desperate this woman is feeling. She probably emailed everybody she could in hopes that somebody would answer. 🙁

Take care of your own mental health. You’ll never be able to handle all of this if you are feeling depressed and overwhelmed.

Take care of your physical health. It is worth it to get fillings in baby teeth because the decay can reach down to the permanent teeth and cause more problems. Make sure the boy is brushing his teeth twice per day!

Vacation is not a priority. Time with your child is a priority. Take the time you would take for vacation and do something cheap. Go camping. Be a tourist in your own city.

You must track your expenses. If $8k is missing from your yearly budget, then you have a big leak in your budget. You can either dissect your bank statements, and future receipts, or try a cash envelope system. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=cash+envelope+system

Put yourself and your son first. Your boyfriend is second…and I tend to agree with the previous advice that perhaps now is not the time for you to be getting into another relationship. It’s time to stand on your own. (The therapy might help with these kinds of issues, too…)

Forget the personal trainer and quit your second job. Find a few families to start your own dog walking service a few days a week. Take your son along with you and spend some quality time with him. He’ll be out of the house before you know it. Savor every minute until then. You have the rest of your life to work.

There’s a lot of good advice on here, so I won’t repeat it, but one additional thought I had is that you should check with your local public health dept to see if they have a dental clinic and if they can help you. Our town’s health dept has one specifically for children. It is important to care for your son’s teeth, even the baby ones.

I agree with so much of what other have said above.
I’d like to add, cutting the cable TV could save you a bundle, and could be a wonderful change for your son as well as for you. You could help your son learn to deal with his “down time” in healthy ways: reading (library books!); being creative; interacting with you, grandparents, others; spending unstructured time outdoors; cooking; …and the list goes on and on. You’d be giving yourself this gift as well. Also, eliminating TV from your life, or at least reducing the time you spend with it, will get you and your son away from advertising which is designed to make us want things we shouldn’t have or can’t afford.

I also strongly agree with the other posters who recommended that you make the counseling and dental work a priority. Taking care of these things will help you get your finances and life on track and the dental work especially will save you a TON of money in the long run.

Folks, I have no control over whether people send their questions to both me and Trent. Though I read The Simple Dollar, I don’t read the mailbags, so I’m never going to notice a duplicate. Even so, the audiences of the two blogs are different. There’s a lot of overlap, sure, but it’s no big deal if both of us run the same question.

Some great advice here. I would focus on identifying one or a few things at a time that you can cut/tackle and your mental health. Instead of worrying about solving all of your problems, find a few to focus on. Once those are resolved, find a few others. Start with the small, or easy, ones. Then work your way. You have time.

With each expense – and each question (like the vacation, for example) – as yourself “do we NEED this” “is there a better way” and “is there a cheaper alternative.” I think those questions often find some wiggle room.

Best of luck and sorry for what you’re dealing with.

* Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster?

Maybe. By giving her a monthly stipend, you have, to a certain extent, made her expenses your expenses. If she needs some help to eat or to keep in modest housing, by all means. help out. If she’s being frivolous (probably not too likely at the income you quote,) then you have no responsibility to fund that. I’m not making accusations here, just pointing out the obvious. As for the cell phone, if she already has a home phone then she likely doesn’t really need a cell phone. (It’s hard to realize they didn’t even exist for the general population 10 years ago.) If she has no home phone or you feel she needs a cell phone for emergencies, then a prepaid cell phone can be had for around $10-$15 per month. (T-Mobile at least used to have a pay $100 for a year of service and 300 minutes plan.) Finally, if possible, your sister should be sharing this expense with you (she may already do this.) The cost of caring for your mother should not fall on you alone.

* Do I break my promise to my son and not go on vacation?

Find a way to take an inexpensive vacation. Working two jobs, the time off will probably be good for you as well as him. My go-to choice for this is to go camping, and if he’s in scouts, then this is likely something he would enjoy. A camping trip will likely cost $200 or so for 2-3 days, mostly on food, but can be a lot less than other choices. Borrow any equipment you don’t already have from someone in his scout troop. Another good choice can be a driving vacation where you stay with relatives in another part of the country. The expense here is higher, but avoiding air-fare and hotels can save a lot of money. The time off required may be a bigger problem than the cost of the vacation itself.

Depending on your son’s age, a way to make this more fun can be to have HIM plan the vacation. Give him a budget (slightly less than you actually have to spend on the trip) and a date and let him figure out what to do. My father and I did this once, and it was a lot of fun. It was also probably the worst sunburn I’ve ever had when I forgot to pack sunscreen and we hiked Guadalupe Peak in the middle of summer… ouch! 🙂 You’ll need to help him identify costs he may have missed (food on the road, gas, etc.) and help him estimate those so that he can stay under budget.

* Do I put everything on the back burner except my therapy and see if going back helps me feel better?

I deleted a detailed discussion of therapy here and will simply give some generic advice. Wisely spending money on your health is a good investment. Talk about costs and alternatives with your health care provider. Fewer (or shorter?) therapy sessions or different choices of medications can get you nearly identical results with significantly lower cost. Doctors usually aren’t used to this level of shopping and may resist, but force the issue. Get them to at least discuss alternatives and why they recommended the choices they did. “It’s what I usually prescribe” is NOT an answer here, the key is “why?” They should be able to do this at a level you can understand. Ultimately you and your health care provider may decide to follow their initial recommendations or you may decide to make some changes to their initially recommended treatment in order to reduce costs.

Specifically for therapy, your provider should at least agree that some therapy is better than no therapy, and show it by not brow-beating you about not coming as often as they would like every time you do come. This doesn’t mean they can’t occasionally recommend more sessions, but they should respect your choice to set a rate you feel you can afford that is getting you sufficient results. In our culture it’s easy to forget that as the “patient” we are really the CUSTOMER in health care.

* Do I throw my budget out of whack and get a personal trainer so I can feel better (no self discipline which is a HUGE problem)?

NO. Get a workout buddy. Find someone else you know with similar workout goals and agree to work out together. Schedule a regular time to meet. If they don’t want to go, MAKE THEM. Have them agree to do the same to you. This costs nothing and can be just as effective as a personal trainer.

* I’ve cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?

Yes. 🙁 If there isn’t something good on broadcast TV, do something else. Most people spend more that $40 per month on cable TV. That’s nearly enough to get Netflix, pay for low-end DSL broadband internet, and go out to eat once a month. Cable TV is really a very poor entertainment value even when you can afford it. What would you do with an extra $30-$40 or more per month?

I also can’t resist mentioning that the local library is FREE. 🙂

* I don’t want to put so much of my life and myself first that I forget my son or my boyfriend. Am I being stupid by not wanting help?

This is tough to evaluate. If you need financial help to live in the short term, take it. However, if you’re close to being on your feet, my suggestion is to only accept help for 1-time expenses, preferably luxuries. The thing about help is the goal is to not need it, even when you do choose to accept it. If you already don’t need it (say, taking a trip together, where the alternative is simply not to go) then let him pay, if he volunteers. If there is no alternative, then don’t accept the help. The idea here is that the only way to achieve long-term independence is to know how to live on what YOU make.

I had a friend when I was just out of college with significantly more money than my wife and I had. When he wanted to do something expensive like going out to eat, I would usually suggest something less expensive, like getting together and cooking at home. Sometimes he would agree to my suggestion. Sometimes he would stick to what he wanted, and I would choose whether to go or respectfully decline (more often declining than accepting the invitation.) Occasionally, he would respond with “I really want to go, I’m paying.” I didn’t feel guilty at all accepting this. This was him choosing what he wanted to do and accepting all of the expenses involved. This was NOT him giving me a handout, as I could just as easily have simply declined the invitation.

You sound like you’re almost there but feeling overwhelmed. Calm down. You can do this. 🙂 The hardest part (and when you know you’re really there) is getting to where even the unexpected expenses are under control and don’t feel overwhelming. Don’t be too upset that you’re not there yet, but work to get that emergency fund funded again, as it sounds like it did its job. 🙂

First priority: get the treatment you need for your mental health issues. That will make everything else easier to sustain. Call around and see if you can get seen at a University Hospital clinic or get some help with the costs.
Second: take care of your life with your son. That may not mean doing expensive things (like expensive vacations)– you may be able to do something like local camping or even hiking/park visiting as a vacation with such an active son. Find out what free things are available to you. I know from personal experience that telling your kid that this year, we need to tighten our belts so next year we can do more is ok, if you follow through on it.
Third: pay off your debts so you can get down to one job. Working two jobs takes a lot out of anyone, let alone a parent.

Set reasonable limits on what help you will accept from your boyfriend, but don’t be ashamed to let him help out if he makes more than you– or let him take you out on the town occasionally if he can afford it.

You could try unplugging the tv for a few weeks to see if you could live without cable. I know it’s hard to manage without the downtime that some minutes in front of the boob tube provides– but it also sucks time.

The first thing that jumped at me was the spending of $1K in a wedding. Shocking, considering your needs. That’s where the money went most recently. That’s the equivalent of 40 therapy sessions at the price you pay.

First thing is take care of the bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder can cause (among other things) out of control spending, so yes, everything is connected. Your therapy is very reasonably priced, $25 a session is great. Don’t waste that opportunity and stick to it.

You seem to be covered in the mental health area, but for people who can’t afford health insurance, community health centers are the way to get affordable therapy. Also in some cases, a place for dental health: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/on-health-and-money/2009/4/15/6-ways-to-get-affordable-mental-health-services.html

Second, maybe your kid can start earning his allowance with chores or a lemonade stand. Not sure about paper routes these days– less people read newspapers, and routes seem to require a car, but it might be worth checking out. Then again you already have 2 jobs might be too much.

I wouldn’t charge my mother money but that’s the way some people do things. I’d maybe share expenses with her instead? Not sure if you live in the same house but cooperation is always helpful. E.g., she could run your household while you’re out working, etc. Then again, this might be culturally unacceptable for some people who grew up in nuclear families, but extended families are better and stretching the money. If you don’t want to live with her: I’d rather “tithe” my money to my own parent rather than give it to some megachurch.

About the weight: you don’t need a personal trainer to lose weight. That’s a bad idea. All you need is to do cardio for 30 minutes to an hour a day, then 30 minutes 3 times a week for maintenance. Start slowly and skip a day and increase gently. Get some books from the library, find ways to vary your exercise (cross-training) so you don’t injure yourself, and you’re good to go. I’ve lost 40 lbs in recent months by cutting out starches and doing cardio & weights. I go to a local university gym (cheap membership), because I like the machines better than running, and I do a little bit of weights. But you can learn to lift weights from books. As a whole, I’m saving money by not ordering pizza or eating out anymore. I cook every meal (here’s where your mother could help) and I eat better than I used to (no salt, added fat, sugar, starches). If self-discipline is a problem, therapy is the place to address it.

I’m going to guess, because you are such a busy mom, that you eat a lot of fast food/ carry out/ delivery/ microwaveable food, and if I can continue with the wild guess, I’m going to say this is where a good chunk of your money is going, and where your extra weight is coming from. Get some free (library) books on health and nutrition, and cook your main meals on weekends so you can eat healthy throughout the week. And your mom could help, yes? You help her, she helps you, it goes both ways, everybody saves money and gets healthier.

Finally, the vacation can take a hike. If you’re prioritizing a vacation over your teeth and your kid’s teeth and your mental health, you’re doing it wrong, very very wrong. Same with the damn wedding. So the pattern seems to be that you are making big expenses on low priorities and neglecting small expenses on high priorities. You should be saving in a health savings account, not a vacation fund. Survival first, everything else second!

So yes, get to therapy, quick. And keep track of your expenses. Start with a notepad that you take with you everywhere. Write *everything* down, and prioritize.

There’s a lot to cover in your email and this came out very unorganized, but I hope you find some useful ideas…

Of the choices Kim put up, here is the order in which I would implement them, no joke. Basically, she was asking for confirmation on things she already knows. She has to take this list and then do them, she can re-prioritize in between steps, but she should probably do most of them.

1. Cut cable. Do it. It takes less effort than you know. You can fill the time with free books from the library, trust me. This is the easiest thing to do, so it comes first.

2. Go back to therapy. You will probably have to cut costs elsewhere in order to go.

3. Get a personal trainer. See this as therapy. How can you handle life without taking care of yourself? If you think the cost is extravagant, get a trainer to train you once a week and exercise at home with your son at least twice a week, since you no longer can depend on TV to entertain him or you.

4. Depending on the way money is landing after 3), decide on vacation/no vacation. Break your promise to your son if you cannot afford it. If you can afford to go on a smaller vacation with him, do it, but remember that your situation is tenuous. Do you want to end up in a homeless shelter with him? What do you think is more traumatic?

5. Pride is an interesting thing. I’ve met homeless people with numerous interesting ailments who refuse help of any kind. I’ve met recently college grads who receive aid from both parents and the government. You have to decide on what kind of help you’d be willing to accept, and then try to get it. For instance, if you want to get a different childcare option, but can’t afford it, you could ask friends to pitch in or look for free childcare options. If you’re running out of money for food, you can look into WIC and food stamps. The options are endless, you just have to decide on what you can handle emotionally.

6. Telling your mother no: in fact, you should be telling your entire family no with regards to spending on anyone besides you and your son. My wife was unemployed for two years and we struggled on my meager paycheck during that time. We could not afford to go on vacations, or spend large amounts of money on people’s weddings. Now that we can, its great! If we had given extravagantly when we couldn’t have afforded it, there is no way we could spend money on our friends and family now, we could have ended up homeless, bankrupt or worse. Just say no.

I haven’t read any other comments, so sorry if this overlaps anything.

Sounds like your needs and wants are completely overlapped and confused. You want to lose weight and get in shape, but you don’t NEED a personal trainer. Get a workout dvd from the library and start using it.
You don’t NEED cable tv, and you certainly don’t NEED to pay for your mom’s cell phone. You have teeth that need medical attention, it doesn’t matter what’s on tv.

You obviously love your son and want to give him everything. You can’t.

When I was young my parents didn’t have a lot either. I wanted to play hockey but they couldn’t afford equipment, so I played baseball. I don’t resent them for it and I somehow survived. Cut his activities back and take him to the park on the other days. He’ll survive.

And for the vacation – his definition isn’t the same as yours. Explain the situation to him, what your goals are and how you’re going to work together to meet them. Kids aren’t stupid – he’ll get more reward from helping his mom get their lives together than he will playing on a beach somewhere.

As someone else mentioned, I suggest Dave Ramsey. He has the most straight-forward, easy to understand, and aggressive plan of anyone I’ve read. If you have internet you can get a free podcast from him every day – it’s hugely motivating and has lots of good advice.

Best of luck getting in control.

I would probably start by cutting the television expense. The only reason I say this is because I did the same thing and never looked back. I’m a lot more productive than I was last year.

I think it’s great that you don’t want your boyfriend to pay for everything. It says a lot about who you are, and it’s probably why he offers.

Is it possible for you to consider a career change? Depending on where you are, you might be able to find a job that pays better, and you can quit the second job after you pay off your recurring debt and car loan. Once that’s accomplished, You could attend college (assuming you haven’t). Getting the degree will give you the boost you need to become more comfortable financially. Until then, it seems you might be at a salary block, and can’t progress.

One point on the less financial side of things: I really think that your mental health should be first priority, even if it means scrimping on things your son wants. That might sound terrible, but my mother has bipolar disorder, and when I was a child, I found it very difficult to understand or deal with.

Children are extremely perceptive about their parents’ moods and even if you’re putting on your best face for your son, as I’m sure you are, having a mother who is depressed or acting erratically is confusing and upsetting.

So don’t put therapy in the “being selfish and focusing on me” pile. Have you ever heard the saying that “Cancer doesn’t affect one organ, it affects your whole family”? There’s a lot of hope and effective treatment for bipolar disorder, but the same principle applies.

Of course, look for programs in your area that can give you free therapy.

Good luck!

Whenever I see the “bi-polar/depression” thing tossed out casually, that’s a major red flag to me. If you don’t have that under control with therapy, medication, or both, how can you have control over the rest of your life? After all, it can impact your decision-making, your relationships, and your perception of reality. If that is going unregulated (and you indeed have those medical issues), it may be the basis for some poor decision-making.

As a general matter, you shouldn’t be surprised if some people decide to avoid you. Based on your narrative, there’s a lot of chaos in there right now, and not everyone wants to be part of that. Sometimes drama and chaos are choices — sometimes not. As an adult, however, you do have the ABILITY to control your life, but it’s not a foregone conclusion. It takes practice.

I have heard a lot of these types of stories before. And then I end up hearing more of them. From the same people. But everyone is different, or at least has the ability to be different.

As a mom, I can relate to one of the major underlying issues here: GUILT. I’m not you, but I would imagine you feel a lot of guilt about a lot of areas. You’re not spending as much time with your son as you’d like. You can’t provide the kinds of things you’d like to be able to, like a fancy vacation. And one of the biggest: you had to rely on your mom as a young mother, and now you feel like you owe her for that and for continuing to provide babysitting services. As someone whose mother also babysits for free, I totally understand.

But here’s the thing. That guilt will paralyze you. You’ll spend too much on things like your sister’s wedding and taking care of your mom because you feel like you owe it to them and you have to prove to them that you’re strong and independent. And you won’t take care of yourself–you’ll spread yourself thin trying to be there for everyone else.

My suggestions:
1. Get yourself into therapy. Go every other week and spend some time thinking about yourself first. Also, get yourself and your son to the dentist–a filling is much cheaper than a root canal.
2. Talk to your mom and see if there’s a way you can help each other. I concur with the family plan option for the cells. See if you guys can budget some things together–buy groceries in bulk, cook meals together so you can spend time with her and your son (and save some money). If moving in together is an option, even short-term, I’d recommend it until debt is paid off.
3. You only mentioned it briefly, but I’d examine the part-time job. How much is it paying? If it’s around minimum wage I’d highly recommend what I did–I got a job working in the nursery at the local Y. I can take my daughter with me and I get a free membership. It’s not a ton of money, but it gives me a little extra without taking time away from spending with my kid. And on days I don’t work I can take my daughter to the nursery and go work out. This has also become my social outlet–my friends are at the gym and expect to see me, making it much harder to skip workouts.
4. Finally, regarding the activities and the vacation. I agree with the others–go camping! Borrow a tent and find a good campsite with a playground, some water and hiking trails. Your son will love it. As far as the activities go, I’d recommend what my parents did–we could participate in one activity at a time. Help your son decide which activities he enjoys the most and let the others go. Once you’re in a better financial situation you can add others back in if he wants.

Good luck to you dear. I’m sure it all seems overwhelming right now, but you are obviously strong and determined to succeed. Just do what you can to take care of yourself–happy mommy=happy kid.

Somehow I doubt this person will listen to or get any benefit from all the wonderful advice above.

I sense she knows exactly what’s needed financially and health-wise but is unable to do it for whatever emotional or psychiatric reasons.

It seems only the practice of serious quiet introspection, major outside help, and/or reaching a rock-bottom-disaster point could change her course.

If I take a big picture look at things, it sounds like you need to EDIT and simplify your life big time.

First, You’re trying to please too many people (your kid, sister, parents, boyfriend, 2 jobs) and are neglecting yourself. Edit down to your son + yourself (therapy) and add people in as your life gets under control..it’s temporary, so don’t think your totally shutting people out.

Second, you’re trying to juggle way too many expenses. Reducing expenses will be a huge monkey off your back. You’ve listed quite a few want expenses vs need expenses as other posters noted. Again, you can add things back in as you get your costs under control.

Edit, Edit, Edit.

Good Luck.

Try Crown Financial. http://www.crown.org/ I have not worked with them directly but have a friend who is a trained counselor for them and has high regard for their service. It’s FREE. And, they can provide with ongoing support and recommendations. There are so many different issues that the writer needs support and followup. The other thing I definately recommend is to slow down on the relationship. The guy may be wonderful and supportive but get your own life in order first before making any commitments or becoming dependent on him. It could ultimately ruin a relationship that could have had the potential to be a dream come true.

I was a single mom (3 jobs!) with one very young son & I can really relate to your situation. My son is now in college, & I can hardly believe it, time goes so fast! 🙂 & I look back on those years with incredible love and fondness; such great years…okay, here goes:
1. Therapy absolutely first, no question in my mind! — keep yourself healthy & happy for yourself and for your son, otherwise you’ll be no good to anyone. Keep it regular and a part of your life as long as you need it.
2. dentistry — health again: important for both of you
3. Try finding “scholarships” and deals for all your son’s activities…I got all kinds of breaks from pre schools, YMCA, camps, everything — by filling out scholarship applications and/or telling them my situation; ask for it every time, they can always say no, but it doesn’t hurt to ask…it really helped me out.
4. Get a less expensive car…I got rid of my more expensive car and bought a used honda for cash, no payments (no air conditioning! — but I would tell myself that people spend hundreds of dollars to go in the sauna for the same experience! 🙂
5. Mom’s cell phone has to go for now (explain gently to her and with love & appreciation for all she’s done for you); tell her you’ll start it up again as soon as you’re able to financially.
6. Maybe get creative about vacation ideas; put it off for now — and tell your son that you have to do fun things for awhile in your same city…(I used to give my son a day off school once a month and we’d do a “field trip” in our same town — sometimes just stay home and play hooky, other times a picinic or a day hiking or beach, whatever…he LOVED those days off!) — but, my work schedule worked out with that…don’t know if you can do that; Just think of fun things you can do for less money. Camping is actually great because that way you can keep the promise…But you could run it past your boy and see which he prefers…? just a thought!
7. No trainer — ask the therapist to help you w/ the discipline of it — or make your kid the “trainer” — I liked that idea above…
8. Boyfriend is on the back burner for now…kid is the number one priority…however the boyfriend relationship evolves is secondary. I think a good boyfriend will understand anyway…
9. My one regret is the 3rd job I had…I look back — and wish I had realized how fast time goes…If you can spend more time with your boy, go for it because we don’t get these years back.

I hope this helps. You will look back on these days — omg — I just loved those days! Your son is very lucky to have such a caring and strong Mommy. Take good care. xo

First, how the heck do you manage two jobs, soccer coach, boy scout pack leader, and dating all at the same time? I feel overwhelmed just thinking about. The fact that you do manage all of this tells me that you obviously have self-discipline, motivation, and good intentions.

You say you are diagnosed as bi-polar / depression. If true, and this is clinical depression and actual bi-polar, then you need to be getting treated for this for the sake of your son.

You need to take care of your son first, you second, and everything else third. You are probably gaining weight because you have too much on your plate, and no time to exercise.

Simplify as much as possible. Cut the cable TV, sounds like you are never home anyway. Free babysitting by your mother is probably a net gain no matter what you give her each month(since childcare is expensive). Go on a cheap vacation, there are plenty of them out there. You car payment is way too high, but there probably isnt anything you can do to change that.

I’d say the biggest thing you need to do is take responsibility for your situation. Understand that everything that has happened in your life is because of the choices you made. Not to blame yourself, but to empower yourself. If you make smart choices, then you can lead a better life. Make a budget.

Just one tip regarding losing weight and exercise. You DON’T need a personal trainer. Join a running club.

1. Membership is inexpensive (mine cost $35 per year, I get free coaching and 5 different training sessions a week, plus I get discounts on 5k races). Much better deal than a gym or personal trainer.
2. You make a lot of friends in a similar situation (that is, trying to lose weight and feel good about themselves) who will help and inspire you. They will give you tons of advice and encouragement, which is what you are looking for. They will also make you get out of bed in the morning! You don’t want to let them down. It worked for me!
3. Running is one of the best forms of exercise. We are natural runners and it is easy – just put one foot in front of another. Start of slow and easy and you will get stronger and go faster. I’ve seen walkers turn in to runners and do very well at local 5k races.
4. It’s an inexpensive sport. Just make sure you have quality running shoes but otherwise, shorts and a t-shirt are all you need (oh, and a running bra!).
5. You will become healthier in general because you will feel strong and energized. You will sleep better and you will want to eat better, which in turn will make you stronger and give you even more energy.

You will definitely lose weight, make friends, and feel a sense of accomplishment after every single run! Having the group support is very important and FREE! In your situation I would recommend it over paying for a personal trainer.

I think people here have given you some good advice. My thoughts:

1) See if you and your Mom can live together for a while to save money.

2) Tell your sister that she needs to understand your situation, and that you can’t spend any more money on the wedding.

3) I don’t know where you live, but if there is a Bikram Yoga studio in your area, most of them offer Karma classes on Friday nights, which are by donation only. Most studios will also make a deal with you for reduced fees. Sometimes you can even volunteer to help clean up etc. in exchange for tuition. Yoga would probably really help you both physically and mentally.

You don’t need advice. You don’t need to lose weight. You don’t need a fancy vacation, and neither does your son.

You need to take a deep breath, be honest with yourself, and then start figuring out what you really do need. Everything else will follow from that.

I’m sorry if this sounds mean or too vague but it is neither. You’re spending too much time and energy looking outside yourself for the answers but the answers about what you need are in you. You have to learn to block out the noise.

If I were in this situation I would cut everything single expense that was not absolutely essential to my son’s survival and my own. That means no more cable, no car payment (I would sell the car. Depending on the quality of public transit in your area, I might not even buy a replacement used car), no supporting your mother, no vacation fund, and no adding new expenses on, such as the personal trainer or therapy sessions. I would not quit the second job just yet. I would also accept help from anyone offering, including the new boyfriend. This may feel uncomfortable (I’ve been there. It took almost a year out of college for me to find a job. I had to funnel all my savings into making student loan payments. It made me uncomfortable to have my boyfriend pay for everything. But 3 months after I started my job my boyfriend was laid off. And I got to repay his kindness). But so long as the help you are accepting is within reason (i.e. I wouldn’t see him paying for your vacation entirely himself as reasonable help) it is not taking advantage of his generosity. I know this seems really drastic. And it won’t have to last for very long. As soon as you have gotten back on track financially you can start adding expenses back in. First I would say is the therapy. And then with a clear perspective you can assess what expenses are important enough to add back. As far as the personal trainer goes, I would first try to find family, friends, or coworkers that are interested in getting into shape and try to schedule workouts with them. Being accountable to someone can be a huge motivator, and it won’t cost a thing to go for a walk with a friend.

Hello Kim,

Your mail is an honest account of the challenges and questions in your and so many others’ lives. Wonderful is your courage to share – and indirectly help others who don’t have the strength of being so open!

You say that happiness underlies your life. That’s a remarkable ability and insight! Then you know that the helplessness is temporary and that you can accomplish things on your own. And you will!

All the above readers’ suggestions are useful and heartfelt. I’m sure you will see for yourself what you have to do, if embracing one or all of them.

One way to look at it, Kim, is to become clear of your core values. The things that matters most in your life are the ones from where your courage and happiness come from, even if you are unaware of them. Confusion may arise from conflicting values. In bringing them to a conscious level and have them ranked, you will see your needs /priorities more clearly. Once you’ve become more aware of your values and their order of importance to YOU, rank your needs as well, discarding all but the highest ranked ones, at least until you get a stable, predictable routine and economy.

An extra positive consequence of this process is that, in expressing your values straight, people will support your cause because they understand your quest and sympathize with your cause, independently of their being priority or not.

The process brings the perspective that you need for the decisions that you are making!

Be well,
Augusto

First and foremost you need to prioritize. I have been raising my daughter on my own for 15 years and have stood where you are.

#1: Health for both you and your son. I would suggest you start doing some yoga/breathing work which will probably do wonders over therapy. Second, take a step back of where you volunteer your time and turn that into your time. For instance, when my daughter would be at a practice I would walk for exercise. Check out the dental schools or even see if the dentist can do some sort of modified payment plan.

#2 As I stated in #1 look at where you volunteer your time. Perhaps something can be done to help with the nickel/dime for your son’s activities vs your volunteer time.

#3 Take the vacation, but don’t make it extravagant. You and your son need it to help rejuvenate yourselves. When constantly being pushed and stressed, the chance to step back and recharge is best.

#4 Really re-evaluate your budget and how you are spending your money. Sometimes by modifying and moving things around you can accomplish your goals financially.

#5 See if you can barter for things rather than pay (ie. babysitting, etc)

#6 Finally, set aside 3 goals to accomplish for just one day. Perhaps, find a way to save $3.00 that day, walk for 20 minutes, schedule a dentist appointment. If you have accomplished 3 things, at night you feel so much better because you can check them off the list.

Hi — I want you to know that I have some advice for you that comes from a mix of personal and professional. I too am a single Mom of Two — a 10 year old and a 17 month old– both girls. It is extremely hard to feel that you are the ultimately the most important person to these children, to work and to provide for your own personal needs at the same time. I commend you for your strength and you are so young! I did not have my older daughter until I was your age. At that time i had already graduated with my BA. Quickly I realized that to raise her right I would need more education..especially health insurance..Therefore a better job than my BA could get me. Her father was going nowhere fast and still gets thrown in jail for not paying his child support–Go Him !!

DO you have any post secondary education? You are going to need some to support yourself correctly. It is a huge leap to make off part time jobs and qualifying for state benefits but you can do it. In the labor market today you need specific skills degrees certs… or you are not even going to get an interview. I don’t know which area of the country you live in but I did not feel comfortable supporting a child until I was making 50K a year…. As you note, they are expensive espcially when you want to provide them opportunities sports teams etc etc… I have found that the elementary age gets even more expensive.

so my advise for you is get in school – something you enjoy but will get you a job… take out the loans, you can pay them back on an income contingent basis.

Reguarding everyone telling you to get in treatment and get the dental work — they are right, but I am not sure they realize you might have limited access esp to mental health services. If you are a student you can go to the clinic at the University. But while you qualify for state dental benefits get all of you dental issues fixed… ASAP!! It will never be any cheaper for you even when you get your own dental policy.

Also get an accurate mental health diagnosis… You sound like you might have ADHD, it is just starting to be diagnosed more in women. But causes all sorts of issues, financially, with relationships, and ofter women who have it have other mental health issues(a lot of this due to having lived with undiagnosed ADHD) Look into it, check a book out from the liberary about it– I recommedn Sari Solden is an author I recommend.

Lastly — Don’t move in with another man until you have all of this straight and have made some personal progress. You have fun, date etc… but do not get serious again until you are clear about you (this is what it sounds like you are doing and it is horrible to expose your son to a parade of men… )

All the Best !! Good Luck

I feel your pain in this matter. I have been striving to be financially independent since as young as 16. Accepting help from friends and family has always been difficult for me, so I identify with your situation very much.

Younger, I had borrowed a lot of money in the form of credit. In hindsight, borrowing the money from friends and family would have been a more financially sound decision, considering the amounts I needed it was never over one to two hundred dollars.

I would recommend accepting the help from your boyfriend. He cares about you, and I assume you’d try to help him the best that you could if he were in the same situation as you. It is more important to get your life and finances in order, as well as it is important to get your mind and body in order.

As for the vacation, I would recommend something along the lines of a stay-cation. Your son is young enough that he will not know the difference if you go a couple towns over and explore, and he will still be satisfied with going somewhere new. This will help financially and allow you to put that money towards something that will make another area of your life easier.

Good luck to you. You are not the only one who is out there that is struggling.

A lot of people say scrap the vacation-I disagree. A vacation does a lot for mental health and family bonding.

Mom’s cell phone-safelinkwireless.com. See if her area is covered and if she qualifies. If you can’t afford some of your basics, you really can’t afford to pay her cell phone bill.
Some have mentioned living with Mom-only you know if that is a viable option.

2nd job-don’t quit just yet. Earmark that money to pay off the car/remaining debts. In this economy, selling it is probably not a realistic option. Reliable transportation is a need, not a want.

Cable and other ‘luxury’ expenses-yeah they need to go. Your son has other activities that cost money (soccer, scouts). Earmark that money for health expenses.

Have a heart to heart talk with the wants to pay for everything boyfriend about where you are financially, what you need to do physically/mentally and see where it takes you.

It seems you have a decent support system that wants to help you-mom, dad, boyfriend. Let them. Otherwise, you’re going to waste a lot of time and resources getting nowhere fast.

Lots of good advice in these posts. After reading through the first several (and agreeing with the no trainer, cut cable, staycation vs. vacation, no cell phone for mom, etc.) I’d like to add the following.

Find time for therapy sessions (or weight loss group meetings) by cutting out some of your volunteer work (coaching, scouts). Your son can still partake, but by only choosing maybe one activity to be really involved in, you’ll open up some of your time.

Also, find a good healthy weight loss program, or create one yourself. Get mags from the library about healthy lifestyles, etc. Basically, whole foods (as little processed as possible) will save you $$ in the long run, and help the health of both you and your son.

Good luck! And don’t be afraid to limit some “luxuries” (vacations, cable), because the peace of mind you’ll get from the extra savings will more than offset any feeling of loss. And let your family help you (babysitting for your son, etc.) — it will do both him and them some good.

@ Lura #74

I don’t think going to school and getting in debt for it is a good idea at this point.

She makes enough money to take care of her family if she can stick to a smart budget, the problem is as she herself said a lack of self-discipline. Putting more things on her plate and acquiring more debt isn’t going to help with that.

Also, @ Moneymonk #44, increasing her salary is not the solution either. If she cannot account for $8K/ year, more income just means more wasted money.

The solution is to simplify her lifestyle and prioritize her spending according to needs and not wants. This is of course self-discipline, which goes hand to hand with mental health.

Health comes first, and that includes physical and mental health, as well as financial. Bipolar disorder can be exacerbated by food allergies, blood sugar problems, etc.

So– focus on what’s important, and the rest will be easily sorted out. Therapy, exercise and good nutrition will make you “healthy, wealthy and wise.” You have enough money to pay for therapy, eating right will save you money, and you can exercise for free. There is no reason for you to neglect yourself. Make an appointment to see your therapist TODAY.

I’m sympathetic to Kim’s situation, because my wife’s aunt is bipolar/manic and it has a major impact on the whole family. That said, my advice is going to be cold (and I haven’t read other people’s comments for comparison).

All of your choices have been your choices, and owning up to them is important.

1. You need to break up with the boyfriend immediately. After two failed marriages and the instability currently in your life, you don’t need any other emotion provoking situations to surround you or, more importantly, your son. As a parent, your sole focus should be doing what is in the best interest of your kid, so put your personal adult relationship “Wants” on hold until you’ve fully mothered your son to adulthood. Again, I’ve seen such post-divorce relationships wreck the children impacted by them time and time again in my own family. Bringing new men over and over again into your son’s life, and borrowing from time for dates otherwise spent on your son, is selfish and likely damaging to your son’s self worth. Not to mention its impact on teaching him to be a real man, not a guy who can start an adult relationship then go away whenever times get tough.

2. Consider medication for the mental disability. My aunt has tried about every med in the book, but once she found one that worked and didn’t make her crazy, she’s been fairly stable over the past decade or so.

3. Never again “promise” your son a vacation. Tell him you’re going to try, but don’t promise anything. And this year, try a stay-cation near your house, or choose an inexpensive form of vacation, like camping/hiking. Bring your own food (sandwiches, granola, etc) to keep the costs low.

4. Consider cutting some of your son’s hobbies. Ask him which 1-2 (affordable ones) he’s most interested in doing, and explain to him that it’s all you can manage for the time being. Heck, my 7-yr and I had the same conversation not too long ago and he took it in stride.

5. As for exercise: take walks or ride bikes with your son, or jog while he’s practicing whatever activities he keeps. Pushups, jump ropes, and walking/jogging are inexpensive and effective.

6. Talk to your mom. Don’t start by telling her you’re cutting things, but explain to her your financial problems without assigning blame. Ask her if she’d be able to get by alright with a reduced stipend, or none at all. Ask her if she’d consider a pre-paid phone (fairly inexpensive) or taking over payments on her current plan. In other words, work together with her. If she’s unwilling to compromise, then you may need to re-examine that relationship.

7. Don’t just “track” your spending in Excel. Create a budget that shows how much money you bring in (net, after taxes and other deductions are taken out). Then subtract out your rent, est. food costs, utilities, basic clothing, etc (the mandatory costs). Then, subtract out the “optional costs” of entertainment, nicer clothing, vacations, etc. Put your needs ahead of your wants.

Best of luck to you. Make good choices, seek advice, and eventually you’ll come out on top!

Not much advice to add, but a big virtual internet hug!

I have a less critical situation (no one is depending on me..yet), but the same overall concept of not really knowing how to balance mental, physical, and financial health goals (among others). It’s tough!

One thing that has helped me is to really define each goal (ie, lose weight, pay debt, participate in activities, spend time with son) and then sit and think about each one…about the positive and negative impacts achieving the goal will have (especially in relation to each other). what’s the worst case scenario if it doesn’t happen? then prioritize, and try to come up with a balance. you can’t achieve one goal at the expense of all others, but maybe there are some goals you could put on a longer timeline and cut yourself some slack.

you aren’t superwoman (though it sounds like you’re awesome!), don’t expect yourself to be and don’t worry about everyone else expecting you to be. it sounds like you’re on the right path! good luck!

First of all, give yourself some credit! You are creating a great life and great memories for your son by keeping him healthy (away from a bad ex, active in sports), teaching him about money, and spending so much time with him. Many working moms with spouses and without mental health concerns can’t manage that. So when you feel like you’re drowning, focus on the fact that you’ve managed to move to shallow water.

As to how to prioritize, if it were me, this is what I would do. But I am not you, and only you know what makes sense for you and your family:

1) Health – Start counseling sessions again, just once in a while. I would have a hard time choosing between a couple of counseling sessions and my son’s dental work, but you mentioned a copay for counseling – if that means you have access to insurance, does it cover dental work? With insurance, a filling is often only $75, and dentists have payment plans for insured AND uninsured patients.
2) Ask for a raise. You are clearly a hard worker who describes herself as “happy” under a truly immense load. Chances are, at least one of your bosses knows you deserve to be paid better. In this economy, they might not be able to give you much, but they definitely won’t if you don’t ask.
3) Don’t worry too much about prioritizing the rest. When you and your son have your health and each other, the rest will fall into place. Keep working toward your existing goals, and don’t cancel the vacation. I think you have earned it!

I love the comment, “I need to hear the truth from and objective party”. Often people already know the steps they need to take yet seek confirmation thus my open/opinionated comments.
Having emotionally supported a wife with depression I know all too well the symptoms. I see my wife go through “cloudy times” where life’s priorities and goals become a blur due to altered thinking. When depression is part of the equation things become more complicated…even basic decisions. Thus my first piece of advice would be to protect your mental health! If this means fewer activities for your son…so be it. You will only make good decisions when thinking clearly. Your priority should be to protect your mental health. Your mental health directly ties to your ability to be a good emotional/physical provider for your son. Putting your health first should be looked at as an investment in his future.
Regarding mental health, I have found with my wife that her mental health is directly related to sleep. I find my wife’s anxiety, guilt and depression are all significantly worse when she is sleep deprived. Getting adequate sleep should also be a top priority and seen as an investment in your son’s future. A healthy you equates to stability in his world. Stability is of far more value then activates.
All health related issues should take priority. Delaying treatment will likely only increase the final cost.
You have a great goal to teach your son about money management. Actions speak louder than words.
Evaluate your financial relationship with your parents. If you feel guilt about receiving assistance from your father then that is not good for your mental health and changes need to be made. Isn’t your father’s kindness really allowing you to live beyond your means? My parents gave me financial gifts to help me through difficult times. The problem was it left me feeling indebted even though this was not their intention. When I was 25 I decided to cut the umbilical cord so to speak. I looked across the table, mom’s hands in mine, and said, “Mom I know you’re trying to help but I can’t take money from you anymore. I need to learn to survive on my own.” She cried but has not offered since. That day was liberating! My self esteem grew from that point forward. You have to remember your parents didn’t teach you about money management because likely they can’t manage their own. In my opinion, parents that continue to help their adult kids are really encouraging them to live beyond their means. Many parents good will blinds them to the negative financial lesson they are teaching their kids.
Your mother could be encouraging the same behavior, that being, to live beyond your means. Sit down and put an honest value on the babysitting services she provides. Even if your mom continues to babysit out of kindness have a clear idea of what your monthly expenses would be without her help. Placing a value on her services will help you decide how much compensation to provide and help you prepare for what if scenarios. Have a child care backup plan. I am a big advocate of frugality. Often how I help my parents is to show them how to reduce their expenses by adapting a frugal lifestyle. My wife and I switched from a cell phone plan that was costing us $900 per year to prepaid cell phones that now costs us about $200. While it did require minor changes to how we use technology it came with a big cost savings. I often find it’s my job to take the lead and not only educate our kids but also to tactfully educate my parents in finance and frugality. Changing their behavior, even at this stage of their life, is curing the problem not just treating the symptoms…by throwing money at them.
Regarding financial budgeting I follow the Envelope System using ING Direct as per one of JD’s articles. I have found this system to work great for me. I have never been more prepared for vacations/emergency/college as I am now. The key for me has been small regular automatic deposits into my many envelopes (savings accounts). I find the safest place for my money to be is in places I can’t easily access with the swipe of a bank card. These savings accounts make me really think about my financial spending decisions.

Something that concerns me is you seem to have a hard time saying no. You are entitled to spend your money on whatever you wish. If you decide to make a few sacrifices to save up for a $1000 bridesmaid dress more power to you. If you choose to go on vacation…go for it! Just make sure YOU are making these decisions not those around you. Saying no to the $1000 wedding dress could have encouraged your sister to simplify her wedding…thus in fact lowering her own wedding debts. A vacation reschedule is not the end of the world and often how things happen in real life. Turning to your young son and explaining to him how the goal has not changed but it’s necessary to wait a little longer is not a bad thing. He needs to see you making financially wise decisions. Ask him what he thinks would be the best choice…you might be surprised what suggestions he comes up with. Kids often see things so much simpler then us. Learn to say no and stick to your decision.
Regarding weight gain/loss. You do not need a personal trainer you just need to alter your thinking slightly. You need to realize that YOU are your son’s best chance at survival…you will impact him leading a rewarding life. Your health is extremely important and tied to his long term success. Look in the mirror…you are what he will become. I did a very interesting study on myself not too long ago. I tracked every single food related purchase. My results were shocking. Due to mental accounting I was spending three times what I thought I was on food. Not only that I was directly impacting my weight gain AND PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE FOR IT! I went on a three month strike of no eating out. My wife and I have since learned how to cook tasty food. (Amazing!) Our food bill has declined $500 per month! That is a shocking and embarrassing number to even repeat. After looking at my finances it was the hidden area that mental accounting was letting me justify. Seeing it all on paper showed me changes needed to be made. As we began eating healthier…well…a side result was weight started to fall off. The reason I love this subject is that it’s a win, win. We feel better, we look better and we have more money in our bank. I have proven to myself that the myth that eating healthy is more expensive then eating out is just that…a myth.
Regarding Cable TV. This is a question only you can answer. Place a value on your life hours spent acquiring the funds to pay the monthly bill. Are you willing to trade those hours for cable? Is it worth it to you? I would ask you a question. After working full time, then part time, then activities with your son…what time do you have left for watching TV? Have you calculated your actual time watching, divided by your monthly cost? My wife and I decided an $8.99 Netflix account was of more value to us than a $60 cable service. We haven’t looked back or had any regrets.
I would seriously consider your son’s activities and count the cost. Your son won’t hold the million and one things he did at age 7 with much importance. Just like adults it’s the experience. Who you were with and how you felt. Quality one on one time with him is of greater value then working a part time job to support activities spent with others. It’s not a bad thing for kids to grow up knowing, you can’t give them the world. It is a bad thing for them to grow up without you in theirs. (Corny just made that up) =)
Just my thoughts…

I would advise thinking about Nancy’s advise. Doing sure is easier than thinking at times especially if someone points you in a direction. But being inspired and motivated by yourself takes you the furthest.

I’d also say that think of certain things as opportunities instead of sacrifices. For example, reallocating the time you and your son watch tv allows times for each other! Instead of quitting that second job because you miss your son, wouldn’t you just love to get back time to spend with him and keep money in your pocket?

Lastly as a single mom at 26, think about how you’re going to make more money. You could work more jobs but there’s a limit on hours per day. What you may want to do is to get a further education to earn more per hour. And you’ll show your son how to achieve with living by example. Single Ma on Fabulous Financials might be a blog you can follow to stay motivated. Though remember, she’s got some of the insight you’re still trying to gain. That’s to say, you’re not at the same place but you’ll get there 🙂

I was going to mention that this question appeared almost verbatim in a reader mailbag this week at the Simple Dollar, but it seems that many folks already beat me to it.

It was big news a while back when a kid in DC, or Maryland, or Massachusetts or somewhere that started with an M died from an untreated dental abscess. Many places have free or reduced cost dental clinics, and there are dentists who will work payment plans.

I feel for you, but honestly, it obviously took a lot of thought and a lot of time to write what you did. It’s a very complete picture. But in the time it took, couldn’t you have taken one small step, made one small decision, done something that would have started making your life easier? Not judging or being mean, because I know what “overwhelmed” feels like, but it actually sounds like you’ve got it figured out (except for the boyfriend part). You just need to commit to doing something, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem.

Kim, your situation seems overwhelming but I will add my suggestions to the long list of good ones.

1. I suggest you lessen some of your involvement in leading your son’s activities. Do you have to be there every moment he is at soccer or baseball practice? Why not use that time to take a power walk around the field? I am assuming soccer and baseball seasons are not overlapping.

2. An amazing free resource for weight loss suggestions and wonderful group support(I am surprised no one has mentioned it before) is SparkPeople! You can get exercise tips, videos, motivation, recipes and camaradarie with the other members. I lost 20 pounds earlier this year using it.

3. As for your vacation, I would suggest a trip to a nearby zoo or national park. Kids attention spans are not like adults and most elaborate vacations seem to be more for the parents than the kids. My kids are in their 20’s and do not remember the expensive vacations they went on during their early years. Save it for later when he is better able to enjoy it and remember it. They do remember, however, our camping and other trips they weren’t stuck in a car or plane for hours or days.

4. Keep your car. You’ve already lost a lot in depreciation and it pays to have a reliable vehicle if you need to have one. Can you refinance it at a credit union for a lower rate without extending the payment schedule?

5. See if you can find a cheaper cell phone option for your mom–family plan, prepaid, whatever. Do you have a land line and a cell phone? Get rid of one.

6. If you choose to keep the cable, make sure it is as basic as they come. As for movies, Red Box is the best option I’ve found where you rent them as you want them.

7. I won’t suggest you get rid of your boyfriend. If he is a good man to you and your son, you can’t give him up. My current husband and I met at a time that was not possibly the best for my adolescent children, but we are still happy and together while they are adults with lives of their own. Besides it was good for them to see what a healthy adult relationship is like.

8. Most importantly, take care of the health of you and your son. Make sure your teeth are taken care of! Not an option. Sometimes you can go to dental or hygenist schools and have cleanings done there cheaply. Make sure your mental health is controlled. Your son needs you–all of you, not the mom who is too depressed to get out of bed.

Hope this helps you. I wish you the best of luck and a happy life. That’s all that matters.

kim,
first congradulation for getting out of a bad marriage. the things you mentioned in your letter are things that most people who go thru with divorce. when i left my ex husband years ago i left with my three children and their belongings and 15 years later we all are great.
the one thing i am glad i did was be honest with my children, talk with your son and decide what you can do for a vaction, you dont have to go to disney world every year. go some where close to your home.
please look into fee rated mental health care because as you know bi-polar disease has it cycles and those cycles can affect your finances, if when you are on a low cycle you spend unwisely.
also talk with your son about all his extra activities, children dont have to do every single thing that comes along. what does he like best, if your are stressed with all his activites he probalby is too.
aslo look into fee rated dental care , i dont know where you leave but if their is a dental clinic or dental school in your area they have reduced fee. now some people frown on dental schools but look at it this way. you do get a student but his instructor is there and the student wants to do his best work when his teacher is there.
last bit of advise simplify your life in as many areas as you can, declutter your home, your mind and your spirit
hang in there kim focus on your mental health,your sons health and find enjoyment in life regardless of money
god bless

Don’t pay for a personal trainer. But focus on your health! Join one of the free weight-loss sites (www.dailyburn.com is my favorite) if you need some coaching/organization in focusing on your health, but set aside a little time each day to do some exercising. Your health will improve, and regular exercise is a HUGE boost to your mental health as well. If your mental health also needs the support of professional assistance (do you at least have the meds for your conditions?), check out the public (low-income) health clinics in your area who may be able to give you a recommendation on no/low-fee and/or sliding-scale mental health providers.

Plenty of good financial advice in the comments. The only thing I would add would be to get your family to stop being a drain on your finances! They love you, they know what kind of financial straits you’re in; you don’t have to ask them to help but DO ask them to stop being a drain on you. FIRST – get your sister to reimburse you the $1000 you’ve spent on her wedding. Weddings are hugely expensive but it’s the financial responsibility of those who are tying the knot, not all their friends and family. Give your sister whatever *logistical* help she needs that you can spare the time for (and she’ll need a lot, and that help will be incredibly valuable) but let her know that you just *can’t* foot any of the bill for her wedding. Frankly, let her pay for the dress, too. You have a son who is more important than a $600 dress (that’s half of his annual allowance).

It sounds like your mom might be in a penny-pinching situation herself, but perhaps you could compromise on what you do to support her. If she can handle it, then definitely cut your stipend to her and her cellphone. Again, you may not want to ask your family to help, but they can at least stop adding to your problems. If she’s not in a place where you’re comfortable doing that, try to compromise. Does she really need a cellphone? Can you give her less of a stipend? Can your sister pitch in?

As for your son, that’s got to be your call. My parents were on a super tight budget when I was growing up but it was VERY important to them NOT to pass their financial anxiety on to my sister and me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong if you feel like you don’t want your son to have to make sacrifices if you can help it. That being said, kids are amazingly resilient, and I guarantee he will do whatever you need to to help out if he understands the situation. He may even be old enough to put the question to him directly: what are you willing to sacrifice to help us get onto an even keel? He might surprise you with his suggestions. “Let’s put the vacation on hold, mom, so I don’t have to give up soccer” or “let’s cut my allowance and I’ll mow lawns for pocket money.” Giving him partial ownership of the problem will be good for him in the long run.

Here are some thoughts to your questions:

-Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster?

You would be surprised what your mother can and cannot do without. Most mothers would support you if you had a plan to move forward, especially if it means becoming self-sufficient.

-Do I break my promise to my son and not go on vacation?

Your son equates a vacation not only to doing something fun but also it’s also your uninterrupted attention. Once again, you’d be surprised what makes a great vacation, especially when your son is the central figure and not the amusement park, weather, etc.

-Do I put everything on the back burner except my therapy and see if going back helps me feel better?

Your plane is crashing! Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you’re not at 100%, how can you give your son or your boyfriend your best? This is all about discipline and priorities. I suggest you get into a rhythm or schedule that you works for you and your family.

-Do I throw my budget out of whack and get a personal trainer so I can feel better (no self discipline which is a HUGE problem)?

A trainer will not fix your discipline and I’m betting, procrastinatio, issues. Only you can solve that, it doesn’t cost anything but will be the hardest thing you have to do because you can already see that if you had the discipline to invest, exercise, spend quality time with family, be spiritual, etc. many of your problems with weight, finances, helath and relationships would fail to manifest themselves as they do today.

-I’ve cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?

Hope is what you have when there are no options. There are still broadcasts of the major channels, inlcuding PBS, that need to cable (only a convereter box = cheap). Oh yeah, and trust me, without 100+ channels to surf, I’m betting you can find other, more productive things to do with yourself and your family.

-I don’t want to put so much of my life and myself first that I forget my son or my boyfriend. Am I being stupid by not wanting help?

No problem in asking for help. Just make sure you’ve asked of yourself first!!!

I don’t know what your favorite things are, but here are some random recommendations, just in case any are useful.

1) Get back into therapy. Things are easier when your brain isn’t adding extra problems, and you and those around you will be happier.

2) Get cavities filled–it’s only going to get worse, more expensive, and maybe even painful.

3) Make an event out of tooth brushing so you and your son will look forward to doing it together every morning and every night. You could have a gargling contest at the end, impersonate a rabid dog, or hum a song together to make sure it lasts long enough.

4) Make the vacation you promised your son local. Have a theme like museums or dinosaurs (you could visit several libraries to look at dinosaur books, watch dinosaur movies–both fiction and nonfiction, look for dinosaur displays in museums, make a book on dinosaurs, make dinosaur-shaped cookies, etc.) to make it super fun.

5) Limit your child to one or two favorite activities outside of school at any one time. Kids need down time and unstructured play time, too. Let him pick his favorite(s).

6) Join SparkPeople instead of getting a personal trainer. And find physically active things to do with your son and boyfriend.

7) Cut the cable and spend more quality time with your son and boyfriend.

8) Find ways to reduce the expenses on your vacation if your boyfriend wants to pay too much. Search for coupons, bring some snacks, try affordable activities done by the locals.

9) Don’t cut the allowances you are giving to others; and do accept some help that is being offered to you by others.

10) Don’t drop the boyfriend just because it’s bad timing if he’s good for you and your son.

The more I think about this post, the more amazed I am by some Americans’ financial priorities and choices. You ignore your son’s dental care but you buy cable, cell phones and vacations? Crazy in my mind. I also hate it when people selectively hide behind “promises.” Surely you’ve broken other promises to yourself and others (how many times have you promised yourself to exercise and not done it?). A promise for a vacation that you cannot afford can be broken, and everyone involved in the process can use it as a lesson for how to grow up and be responsible. Stop responding to crisis. Stop creating crisis and drama. Do not spend your money on non-necessities. Learn to say “NO,” like saying no to $1000 on a wedding you can’t afford. That’s insane. Being in a wedding can be free if people really care about finances – parties and presents and extras, and clothing you already own can be worn – or you can not be in the wedding. Stop supporting non-necessities for others, which includes cell phones. Cut your son’s activities and activity expenses severely. He will benefit more from a stable financial life and a college fund. And stop depending on men for stuff.

I haven’t read all the comments here yet, but I see a lot of good advice already.

I agree that a walking routine would be great for your physical AND mental health and it’s FREE! So I would make that a priority.

Kids are totally flexible and what’s most important to them is time with you. Forget the vacation and make it a teachable moment where you explain that you thought you would have the money to do it but you don’t, so you’re having to make the tough choice to not go on vacation. Ultimately isn’t that what we want our kids to learn? How to make the tough choices and do without when they must? I think you could have fun with a staycation!

We focus on free or very low-cost entertainment. We get free videos and CDs from the library. We go to free local events when they’re family-friendly. We attend as many free music concerts at our local university and schools as we can. We save coupons and use them for special treats (ice cream out, etc.) There are many, many sites about being frugal and books called The Tightwad Gazette which have lots and lots of ideas for doing things on the cheap.

I wouldn’t continue giving your son an allowance. While it’s good to teach him about saving and giving and how to use money, if you don’t have it, you can’t give it. Again, a teachable moment and explain it’s temporary until you get your debts paid off.

And paying the debts off should be a top priority as well. I would suggest going into a crisis spending mode – if you don’t have to have it to live, don’t spend it! Get to the point where your debt is paid off and you’re spending less than what you’re bringing in. Then bring back all the other stuff.

Good luck!!

If you don’t have money to see a therapist or buy medication, take omega fish oil in capsule or in liquid form. It’s a lot cheaper. This will help with your depression and such. Also, jump rope, walking, running around with your son is cheap exercise.

Your mental health should be your first priority, absolutely! Once you feel better mentally, everything else will fall into place, including self-discipline.

Your thinking is what got you into this situation. Take care of YOUR mental issues first. Get into therapy and make sure you take your meds religiously.

You’ll be able to think more clearly. You’ll make better decisions. You’ll see options you aren’t able to see right now. You’ll have the discipline to stick to a budget, a debt-payoff plan, a fitness program, a diet. You’ll be more empowered, and you’ll be able to stand up for your needs rather than putting them aside for the needs of others.

Yes, your child requires your help; your Mother, disability and presumed obligation to her aside, is an adult.

Life after therapy will feel less overwhelming, and you’ll be able to isolate the real issues from the myriad of worries you described in your email. (If that was in my brain, I’d feel overwhelmed, too! Clear it out!)

To solve the other immediate needs, I suggest you look into: TracFone (for Mom); Netflix, Hulu, library books and videos (for entertainment and fitness programs); an affordable used car that is paid off before you leave the lot (if possible); and think locally when considering vacation options. What activities are available nearby? It’s not about where you go, it’s about the time invested with your son.

Good luck.

I disagree with Brigitte on the notion that a vacation trip is a “commitment”. It’s not a commitment– it’s a choice, and one can back out of it if one realizes it’s the wrong choice. It’s like choosing to drive drunk because you “committed” to give someone a ride before you realized you were drunk. Hey, there’s still time to call a cab…

However:

Taking care of your child is a commitment.

Staying sane so you can take care of your child is a commitment.

I agree 100% with Margot– worrying about the cable while your kid’s teeth are rotting is crazy. Letting your mental health deteriorate while you worry about hiring a personal trainer is crazy.

Call the therapist and make an appointment TODAY.

Just reading all these comments makes me feel overwhelmed. There’s a lot of good advice here, so I hope Kim will read through all this in little chunks and find what is most helpful to her.

What I would do first is sit down with a nice sharp pencil and several sheets of paper and figure out1. How much money actually comes in and when
2.what bills have tone paid and when. Then I would wiggle the numbers until the second list was no larger than the first.

Good luck!

go to therapy…it’s o.k. to give your mom some money in exchange for sitting…by all means skip the vavcation–I went 6 years without one raising my daughter, you barely even remember it but you will have a better life paying the bills and getting out of debt–trust me on this one…cab. t.v. is cheap entertainment I would keep it…talk to a dentist or two…keep the two jobs, get out of debt!!…walk 2 miles twice a week…eat healthy food…good luck, you will make it through.

Your question is where do you start. Start by chipping away the excess. You cannot afford to support ANYONE but you and your son right now — you have two jobs. Two jobs and a child. See if there is anyone else who can help your mom and if there is noone, tell your mom you’re cutting back a bit and ask her to economize. Sorry, it’s got to be addressed. I spent $100 on my sister’s wedding. It’s her wedding and she and her man can pay for it. It’s selfish for her to ask you to do this for her — or maybe you’re just doing it on your own. Paying for a personal trainer is a waste. Toughen up, walk and eat better meals with less fat and sugar. You will see results. Get the dentistry taken care of ASAP, as that is dangerous. And your mental health is crucial. See if there are cheaper options. Is there anyone you can talk to at your place of worship? Try there. Are you seriously thinking about a vacation? Sorry, that’s out of the question. Do something fun close to home. That’s just how it’s got to be. There is a LOT you can do to improve your way of life, and I wish you much luck and future success. You can do it!

Sorry this is a tough time! It sounds like you feel overwhelmed, I know how that feels. It’s hard to make a lot of external changes when you don’t feel steady – I think whatever will help you feel better will then make it possible for you to sort out all the external stuff.

So I’d check out therapy and see if it helps. Try it for a month or two, if it doesn’t help, look for something else or a different therapist.

From my own experience, when I get really anxious about wanting things to be different, and the list is long and I don’t have the energy to do it all, it helps me to do something that makes me feel calm and connected to my body, or uses my senses… you could check to see if there’s a free clinic or center that offers alternative healing (done by volunteers) for people with chronic conditions… This could help you experience a little window of calm that you can expand. If not, take a walk, with or without your son.

Something that helped me get more energy and also feel more relaxed was yoga – try a beginners class; lots of places will give you a free week, and there are people teaching for less than studios charge. I lost 20 lbs in 4 months and have kept it off for over a year, by going to yoga 1-2x/week, and my triceps rock now, but the best benefit was feeling more settled. I get that feeling after a class, not always during it.

It’s hard for me to do multiple behavior changes at once; I get more overwhelmed. In the food department, if I try really hard to avoid things I melt down, but if I add fresh foods, somehow that helps. I may still eat some unhealthy stuff but the balance changes, so pick up a few apples, bananas, whatever fresh vegetables you might cut up and take with you. It is really challenging for me to plan healthy foods but adding fresh stuff I can take with me is the route that’s worked for me.

And keep enjoying your boyfriend. I think it’s great he cares for you and wants to help; practice accepting help from him and others as you take care of yourself. Sometimes I don’t want to rely on anyone, but that makes it harder than it needs to be if I am not willing to accept help.

Take care, it will get easier!

Don’t know if you’ll get to this comment after all the others, but I suggest the book Feel Good Naked. It really helped me change myself.

It’s not a diet book and it’s not just about your body. It’s about your life.

The “tip” about exercising for 10 minutes a day was huge for me, in particular. Walk “out” for 5 mins and then walk back. Do it every day. Let yourself stop after that 10 mins if you really want to, but keep going if you want to.

Eventually that walk will be as important for your mental health as your physical health and you’ll see results. You’ll walk a lot more than 10 minutes and you’ll love it.

Prior to this book, I always thought if I couldn’t exercise for 20 mins or 30 mins every day, for whatever reason, there wasn’t any point in going. There’s a lot of point. Just give yourself permission to take those baby steps.

Hi Kim,

a lot of excellent advice there, 104 and 105 especially seem to list the basics.

Being a counselor myself I have seen a number of cases like yours.

My guess is you could do with more consequent behavior. Once somebody makes you do things (car rates etc., sisters’s wedding) you follow through with them, if no one coerces you, you let things slip (your son’s teeth etc.)

I feel you won’t be able to implement any of the good advice given above if you don’t get beyond this obstacle.

Please ask yourself – for YOU are the expert for your life – how you think you can become more consistent.

By finding a therapist and taking care of your mental stability?

By getting someone to ask you a few “control” questions every day (like “have you written down your expenses yet …”)

By saying “NO” or “I’ll think about it ” at least once a day when you’re not 100% convinced you should say yes?

By finding an e-mail partner to whom you report regularly which steps you have taken to deal with your day? (I offer that service on a monthly flatrate basis as a counselor and find it helps people immensely to actually sit down in the evening and write down what happened. The act of writing to a real reader who responds already sorts out thoughts and emotions, leads to insight and helps to build self-confidence.) You may find somebody in similar straits who would do that on a mutual basis.

Be creative – find your own “controlling” method! You’re in charge …

Finally – no sweat: just start somewhere with your problemsolving, teeth or tv, your choice. If you apply the right principles, solutions will crop up in all other fields over time, too. Your brain is built that way.

Best of luck!

(I’m kind of wondering if this is a real person or if it is just a letter someone made up and sent to all the sites. It doesn’t really matter because this COULD be true, however.) 🙂

Anyway, I think that reason most advise her to get rid of the boyfriend is that according to the first line, she isn’t even divorced yet from her husband (“going through a dissolution of marriage”). This gives out red flags to some people…including me. What’s the hurry with a new guy when the old one isn’t even completely out of the picture yet?

Anyway, you have so much advice here that it would be great to follow much of it.

One comment though…if you can manage to discipline even a small area of your personal life, you may find them all falling in place. You seem to be dependable and able to hold down a job fine…otherwise you wouldn’t have two jobs and a coaching job–congratulations!
IOW, you may be depressed because you feel fat. Or you may eat too much because food brings stress relief/emotional relief. Getting one or the other under control may bring automatic relief to the other.

I think the vacation at home is a great idea or visit grandparents/sister, etc. and camp.

Last summer (09) after I had saved and saved for our holiday to Denmark to go to Legoland (we live in Poland), I figured that we had exactly enough to spend only one night in a hotel in Denmark (We have a large family and hotels there are very expensive.) I told my kids rather sadly…”We can’t do it this year after all unless we go tenting/camping”–because hotels for us were just too much-we could afford the gas, meals (1 meal “out” per day) at fast food and gas, but the hotels were just too much. If we want to go, we’ll have to go camping/tenting. The kids erupted in cheering.

Another thing. If the child is that busy at 7, how busy will he be at 13? I can’t imagine that he needs to be this busy. Kids do need free time to just “exist” and “play outside” and “get bored”. I’ve not understood why parents put their kids in so many activities that the child or parent can barely squeeze in down time.

You need to make MAJOR changes. Think about everything MAJOR that you’re in…

You need to move aggressively against big expenses. Move in with your mother or boyfriend.

And, right now, say NO to:
cable
eating out
sweets
soda
the car you’re paying $300/month for
vacations
anything discretionary

You’re young. And you definitely seem capable of making sacrifices and tough decisions.

I know this has been said a couple hundred times, but step #1 is to get back to therapy. Bi-polar is hell on you and your kid (even if you don’t think he notices). The right therapist should help you manage your condition and your need (and likely inability, if you aren’t healthy) to prioritize.

For what it’s worth – teeth = yes; vacation = no; good talk with mom about needs = yes; exercising (walking, sports practice, whatever) with your kid = excellent idea.

I’m not a big help on the money issues, but as far as the weight loss, that’s something I’ve been working on a lot. Like with your budget, you need to track everything you put in your mouth. I use Livestrong.com’s Daily Plate, which is free, and has a pretty awesome database of foods. There are other places to go as well – that’s just the one I happen to use.

You also need to get moving during the day, moreso than you’re already doing at work. Take walks on your breaks, climb stairs, if possible. Walks with your son could be a wonderful way to spend some time together talking.

Like with money, you’ve got to make the choice to be responsible with your food and exercise every day – good luck!

Kim,

One thought regarding your stated desire to lose weight that I haven’t seen mentioned is Weight Watchers. Yes, it costs – about $40 a month, though there are other options – but we all know that overweight is costly, too. There’s nothing magical about the program, but it offers social support and accountability, which are crucial for success. (I’m not a paid anything for Weight Watchers, by the way, just a very satisfied customer.)

If you choose not to do that, try just writing down all the things you eat each day – it helps keep us aware of what’s actually going in. Or slowly increase your fruit and vegetable intake – like, have an apple as a snack every morning, that kind of thing.

Good luck, Kim! You are capable of reaching the other end of the tunnel.

Try a women’s center in your community. They often will provide therapy appointments for free or on a sliding scale.

As for vacation: Borrow gear and go camping. It is cheap. It is fun. Your son will love it.

Take care of yourself. See a therapist. Go to the dentist. Create a savings account. Cut cable TV and go to the library (where you can rent tons of DVDs and books. I currently don’t have TV and don’t miss it). Exercise on your own–find a friend, write it down, etc. View it as stress relief and your opinion may change about it.

Start working to find a better paying job. What does this mean? Maybe community college classes, maybe a trade program. Maybe networking. Ask questions about job demand and possible future earnings. I once invested $1,000 in a week-long training for a rare skill in my industry, which has nearly doubled my (very small) pay check as it lead to in-demand and higher-skilled jobs, and it help me find a network in which to find those jobs.

And tell your boyfriend what you told us. Honesty is always the best policy.

I’d like to thank everyone for their thoughts and input. Seeing it in black and white helped me immensley!

I made an appointment with my therapist on Friday for the first available which is coming up soon.
I also cancelled the cable and signed up for Netflix.
I’m still tracking my expenses and since sending this letter to GRS I have signed up for Mint.com.
I’m still taking the vacation with my bf (he is paying) and my sons teeth have already been fixed so I’ve set up a savings account to repair mine (my health & dental insurance aren’t very good).

My computer was on its last leg (10 years old) and finally died, I’m living without one until I can pay cash for a replacement. I’m currently writing this from my work computer on a break.

The issues I haven’t dealt with include my mother. My sister got married already so that $1000 is gone, I’m considering it a life lesson. I’ve bounced some ideas around with my son regarding activities and vacations but we haven’t decided anything yet. He is turning 8 in a few weeks so we are concentrating on enjoying that.

I’m going to continue coaching but lay off some of the cub scout volunteer work. Coaching is an immense responsibility with a great pay off, I think it is worth it!

I may or may not quit the second job. I haven’t decided to quit yet but have decided to take it day by day.

Thank you again!

Kim–

I am so happy to hear that you are going in such a good direction. It seems like you took the first best step–realizing there is an issue and making a plan to figure out how to resolve your problems, rather than hide from them. I must tell you, I have the utmost respect for you putting yourself and your difficult situation out there for all of us to read, judge, and comment on. Very best of luck to you.

Dont get a trainer – save that money you were planning on spending on the trainer and put it aside for therapy (but dont go just yet).

Make a short term goal – VERY short – go outside and jog around the block.

Make a longer term goal – Do the same thing tomorrow.

Make a long term commitment – Go an extra block next week.

Try to repeat that cycle – you’ll see it does wonders for your waistline as well as your psyche. You MAY not need to go to the therapist if you keep that up (although i dont know how severe your condition is).

For my .02 on the rest of your questions:

Cut the cable and watch pbs.

Keep the 2nd job till the car is paid off.

If you think any of that will dis-enchant your son or b/f; dont sweat it. You can take them on your jog/walks – it’ll be a great time with them.

Good luck!

This is important: Neglected cavities in non-permanent teeth can affect the health of permanent teeth coming in later.

Moreover, poor dental health and inadequate dental hygiene can affect one’s overall health negatively. For example, there is a connection between gingivitis and heart attacks- The bacteria that flourishes in badly cared for mouth causes gingivitis, is released into bloodstream via inflamed gums and then causes collection of plaque in arteries which may later lead to a heart attack.

Please don’t neglect any part of your son’s or your own health- not dental, not mental, not physical. Make getting you both in best possible health your #1 priority because health is your most important asset. Poor health affects every other aspect of your life negatively.

Chiming in late, so there are too many comments to wade thru… but, being with your son and cutting your weight both of high importance? Take those recommended walks *with* him. Set some goals on how far to walk each day, and after awhile, how fast. This gets some great time together and gets you toward other goals as well – you’ll feel better, it can get easier to eat better, heck, you can maybe even walk to the store to buy food to cook when you get home or for the next day.

Kim,
To start you are not alone in this drama, most people are not sure or are attempting to fix this issue. All of my current customers were like that when thye first came to me. It can be a tricky thing to fix but if done properly you can overcome all of the issues you have highlighted.

First I see you are talking about services like cable, vacations etc etc. the way for you to best answer this question is to create an accurate budget. Let the budget dictate what you can and cannot do. Bounce that off of your goals, from my stand point your priority should be to eliminate ALL your debt, it will choke you and limit your abilities to do all the things you are wanting and needing.

Here is my suggestion:
1. Create a budget and stick to it.
2. Prioritize your money to be heavy on debt elimination , this will provide much better bang for future needs,

How to attack your debt will depend on what debt you are dealing with currently. Even a small 500 dollar balance can cost you a fortune if handled improperly . So if this is something that you are ot able to quite get done on your on then YES get someone involved who can help. Ther are companies that can provide you the knowledge needed to wipe your debts away efficiently and show you how to plan for all the things you want to do.

The time to start is now , waiting will not fix your issue, the sooner you get started the sooner you can produce some miraculous results.

Good luck with your problem and I hope you fnd the solution that is right for you.

-George