I'll admit it: I'm way behind on posting reader questions. I get tons of questions, and can never reply to all of them. I do ask a handful of folks if they'd like to put their problems to the general readership. But even after sifting these through, I still have about a dozen dilemmas to put before you.
I had hoped to write up one “ask the readers” column per week that I'll be in Europe, but that didn't happen. Instead, I'll post one today, and then we'll tackle the backlog in earnest when I return.
Today's reader question is a little bit different. Generally I edit the e-mails severely and then chime in with my advice before passing the baton to you. I'm not going to abridge today's message at all. I'm posting exactly what came in. And I'm not going to lend advice — I'll leave that all to you.
Here then are the woes of Kim, a single parent who is at her wit's end.
My life has exploded with craziness. I am 26, a single mom (again) going through a dissolution of marriage from my husband (not my son's father).
My husband kept everything, the house (currently in foreclosure) and furniture, his paid off car, the pets, etc. I kept my son and his belongings, my second hand dresser (older than me) my bed and books and my new car with a slightly hefty car payment (just under $300/mo). Everything else I own is second hand. I'm happy with this decision. I miss my house (I made it a home) but I'm happy with my 2 bedroom apartment. I removed myself from a very unhappy situation and with the support of my friends and family I've found independence and happiness.
My mother is disabled (brings home $800 a month after her medicare cost) I help her out as much as I can and in exchange she gives me free babysitting for various times. My son is 7, is very active (soccer, baseball, cub scouts, etc) has many friends and is the love of my life. I give him an allowance of $10 a month which is split between spending, saving (for college), charity, and saving for a long term goal (currently a vacation next year). He also receives spare change and sometimes dollar bills from my wonderful family which he is awesome about saving for his long term goal or giving to charity.
I've taught my son what my parents did not, money management. I'm still trying to teach myself. This year was especially crazy as my sister is getting married. I spent about $1,000 on the wedding (I'm a bridesmaid).
I currently work 2 jobs (1 full time and 1 part time), I coach soccer, I am involved in my sons' scouting activities (mostly planning/helping at pack mtgs), and I have just started dating a very wonderful, responsible man.
My problem is I feel like I don't know where to start. I gained a lot of unwanted weight during my marriage, the accumulated debt feels like a dead weight which I'm ALMOST done paying off but can't seem to get rid of the last little bit, I've saved quite a bit but have also spent a majority of my savings due to unexpected expenses, I've neglected my mental health (I'm diagnosed bi-polar and depression) because I can't seem to squeeze time and money for therapy sessions ($25 co-pay per 50 min visit), my teeth are in bad shape due to past bulimia/lack of insurance problems. How would I prioritize my and my sons needs/wants?
My sons teeth are in OK shape, mostly needs 1 cavity filled but the other 2 cavities are in teeth that will fall out very soon (doesn't make sense to fill them). Otherwise his activities just seem to nickel and dime me to death. My boyfriend and I planned a vacation before we started dating and we were just friends. He gave me the deal of a lifetime and I took it with the support and well wishing of friends and family. We are now dating and he doesn't understand that I don't want him to pay for everything, even if I'm struggling. I have a need to accomplish things on my own, I don't want him to rescue me every time I make a mistake financially.
I have a separate vacation fund with Smarty Pig, a savings account linked to my checking account which is used as a small emergency fund (for expenses I forget about) and am waiting until after my sis' wedding to start a Smarty Pig emergency fund that I won't be able to touch as easily. I promised my son we would take another family vacation next year and I feel that I could swing it if I pinched my pennies harder.
I guess my question is how do I prioritize my life? How would a normal (i.e. an individual who doesn't feel like they are drowning) put their priorities? I've always put everyone else first, mostly I had to because I was a young single mom and relied on others to help me out so I felt like I owed them everything.
- Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster?
- Do I break my promise to my son and not go on vacation?
- Do I put everything on the back burner except my therapy and see if going back helps me feel better?
- Do I throw my budget out of whack and get a personal trainer so I can feel better (no self discipline which is a HUGE problem)?
- I've cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?
- I don't want to put so much of my life and myself first that I forget my son or my boyfriend. Am I being stupid by not wanting help?
I do accept help for certain things that I feel guilty about (my dad pays my car insurance, I don't pay my dad for babysitting but I pay my mom, etc). I'm intelligent, I'm better off now than I've ever been in my life and I'm happy even under all this feeling of helplessness and overwhelmed. Between both jobs and my child support I gross about $36,000 but I can't really identify where about $8,000 a year goes. I'm currently tracking my spending in Excel to figure it out. (And by the way, I'm considering quitting my second job simply because I miss my kid!)
What advice can you offer me? I need to hear the truth from an objective party, no matter how gruesome it is.
Now do you see why I can't reply to every e-mail I receive?
Kim's situation sounds overwhelming. When I try to think of advice I could give her, it all sounds facile or mean. (“Yes, cut the cable TV. Use that money for one of the goals that matters to you!”) Or it sounds like a cop-out. (“Seek the advice of a trained professional!”) Plus, there's a part of me that wants to offer to contribute money to her Smarty Pig account because I feel like she needs it more than I do.
But none of that is really constructive.
So, dear readers, this week I'm not going to offer my customary response to the “ask the readers” question. Instead, it's all going to be your advice.
What should Kim do? Where should she set her priorities? How much help should she accept from others? What can she do to solve her problems herself? If you were in her situation, where would you start?
Author: J.D. Roth
In 2006, J.D. founded Get Rich Slowly to document his quest to get out of debt. Over time, he learned how to save and how to invest. Today, he's managed to reach early retirement! He wants to help you master your money — and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you reach your goals.
This question was just in the Reader Mailbag on The Simple Dollar on Monday (essentially word for word).
I don’t have any real advice for her other than to wish her luck.
I also noticed that this letter appeared in The Simple Dollar this week.
Cut out cable-you won’t miss it and it’s not a priority compared to the other things you’re dealing with.
1) go to therapy. Your mental health is of utmost importance to you and the child who depends on you. 2) I’m not sure how much you’re saving for a vacation, but cut that as much as you can. You don’t have to go someplace expensive for a vacation – go camping. Kids love it and it’s cheap. Get the equipment from craigslist and freecycle. 3) don’t quit the second job if you can help it. I know it sucks to not be able to spend that time with the kid, but if you’re already financially strapped, this will make… Read more »
“I have a need to accomplish things on my own” You are not accomplishing things on your own. You are accepting help from relatives and you have debts in the form of loans or credit cards. This is accepting help from strangers. The thing about family and friends is they don’t charge you interest. You should not feel shame in accepting help from someone close to you, because that is what family and friends are for. To help you when you are down, (the best of friends always will), whether it is emotionally or monetarily or just to give you… Read more »
Well my general advice is to let your family help you right now. You need their help and in the future you can return the favor. Accept the help, manage the guilt by recognizing that you will help them later on when you are more stable. I would put your mental health first, spend the money to get on medication, get the therapy you need before any other financial commitments. If you don’t have your mental health you will not have the energy or the mental focus to attend to the other issues. I would scrap the vacation, maybe do… Read more »
Here’s how I’d look at it: 1) Decide who/what is the most important to you. I’m gonna assume your son is the most important person to you. 2) Since your son is completely dependent on you, take the steps necessary to make yourself healthy. This way, you can provide for him as effectively as possible. 3) Separate needs from wants. Yeah, it’s trite but true. Mom’s cell phone HAS to take a back seat to more pressing concerns right now. Cable TV is a luxury, really. A trainer is another luxury — but maybe a group class would get you… Read more »
Get your teeth fixed (fillings). There is proof that “letting teeth go” is very bad for heath overall. Contact a dentist and set up a schedule of payment (and I despise dentistry). Get to a mental health professional.You are convinced you need one- do it. Let your son be your personal trainer. Seven year olds think their mothers are beautiful and will do anything to help her. They also love charts and graphs and get excited over the smallest things. Make your vacation with your boyfriend and son something close to home- camping in the backyard. Kids do not need… Read more »
I feel that I have read this question elsewhere… Anyway, at this point in your life you can only focus on your needs. Vacations, weddings, cable, and helping out mom should not even be on your radar. Getting therapy and meds is your number one priority. Next, is visiting the dentist. You can check out dental schools or speak with local dentists to get estimates and make payment arrangements. As far as the weight gain–make healthier food choices, eat less, and start a simple walk/jog routine. The solutions are easy it is the implementation that is difficult. Maybe you could… Read more »
Where Kim and her mother help each other out so much, could they share a place short-term? making a stipend less necessary and babysitting easier? By all means, shut off the cable and take a walk when you would otherwise sit down and watch tv. Don’t try to solve all your problems (i.e. your weight) at once. Focus on your mental health. Perhaps a bi-weekly session rather than weekly? Ask your doctor/therapist for a phone call during the off weeks at a reduced rate? Surely a responsible caring professional would work with you to provide the affordable care you need.… Read more »
Wow, that’s a tough one. You seem to think and also do a lot about your situation. This is good. I would scratch the vacation, if you can explain this to your boyfriend and maybe do just a few long weekends instead? Re your mother, have you discussed this hith her? Maybe she will accept if you don’t pay her cell phone bill until you are debt free? Vacation with son is a tough decision. Is it possible to do it cheaper? Or your new boyfriend paying part of it if he is going there with you? I’d definitely NOT… Read more »
After two failed marriages, you’re already back at it? This probably won’t be popular advice, but it sounds like right now you could do yourself a great service by focusing on yourself and your son. You don’t need to be with a man to be complete. Learn to make yourself happy and be happy with who you are, get your life in order, and then add a man into the equation. Also, you say that both you and your son have cavities and you’re feeling overweight. I’m going to guess you guys drink a lot of soda. Stop that immediately… Read more »
I hear you. I’ve been in the same sort of merged problems becoming a perfect storm. But with no kid! You impress me. My advice. Get with the exercise. It will help with the mental health. But don’t go with the personal trainer – at your (and my) budget level, you need to go it alone. Find a friend willing to walk with you every morning. Or… make your kid your trainer. Find a book with soccer exercises and come up with a routine to do, combined with a fast walk. If you got a good one going, you could… Read more »
I’ll just offer advice on the one piece I know a little about, and simply wish you the best on the rest. You don’t need a personal trainer. If you’re motivated and have competent supervision, it’s an unnecessary expense. Join a local Y (they often have income-dependent rates), or even better, find your local Crossfit. Both will usually have some sort of child watch feature. Most of all, stop eating sugar, processed food and grains. Even whole grains. All of it. Eat more meat and vegetables, fruit and nuts/seeds. You’ll be feeling great in no time. I sincerely wish you… Read more »
I’m not a parent, so keep that in mind when reading my response. But when I was growing up, I had a parent who was so absorbed by the stress of providing for the family that it really soured our relationship, and only recently (decades later) have we started to rebuild that relationship. With that in mind, I’d keep in mind that your son isn’t as interested in receiving *things* from you as he is in seeing you *healthy and happy*. If cutting back on scouting or coaching will afford you the personal time to mentally recover (be it in… Read more »
Whatever you can save on your sister’s wedding, do it now. She should be able to understand if a gift needs to come later or if the bachelorette party has to be small and inexpensive if she wants you to come. I know it’s “her” (and her fiance’s) day, but it wasn’t too long ago that weddings were modest affairs, and many still are today. As long as you have a computer and an internet connection you should be able to replace most of the shows you watch on cable with free online TV. You won’t usually be able to… Read more »
Cut the Allowance (when in financial trouble, 7-yr-olds don’t need $$). Cut half of the activities for the little boy (this will help finances AND mental health). Absolutely cut the cable (and spend the non-TV time with the little boy (win/win !!). Cut the help to Mum in half (yes, she helped immensely when you were 17, but are you hurting yourself out of the GUILT ?) I would say “Good Luck”, but “Luck” has nothing to do with it. You sound very very responsible and strong. You’ll do fine if you PUT YOURSELF & LITTLE GUY FIRST.
+1 for Dink, stop bouncing from man to man and work on yourself forna bit. Hulu is a grate alternative to cable if you have a computer,I pay 35 a month for Internet and that is it. That isn’t even entry level Internet, so you could get it even cheaper. The money spent on the wedding is a complete waste. Agree with the info above regarding staccaton, do it, explain to your son why. Most importantly STOP promising people thing, you cant afford it. Youvdont have the time, money, or energy to do anything more. Finally, what is your eating… Read more »
take a deep breath. instead of trying to figure out where the 8K is going… create a budget and work with it. See if you can base your budget off one job. 36K is not a fortune, but we’ve raised more people on less money for years. If your mother needs your help financially, consider moving in with her and combining some resources to save you both. (instead of stipend and paying babysitting) Your son is most important, without giving up your own health and ability to care for him. Get your health looked after. $25 for a 50min visit… Read more »
1. I would make sure I would take care of the therapy and the teeth. That is way more important than vacations. 2. Forget the personal trainer. There are a million ways you can lose weight on your own. Find an exercise buddy instead. 3. Commit to eating healthy, and have your son get involved too so he can learn healthy eating habits and food preparation. 4. You and your mom should set up budgets together. Maybe she can cut back in places too and not rely on you so much. That will help you track your spending too and… Read more »
I’ve been in almost this exact position. Swallow your pride, take the help. Any help. As much as you can. Think of it like a sink or swim situation–the life preserver is worth it. Don’t drown to save your pride. I neglected mental health for a while, too. And physical health. It took too long to fix when I went back because of it. Try to take even baby steps for the mental or the physical health if you can, to mitigate that. Keep your head up. You did it! And you’re going to be fine. I know you will.… Read more »
This exact question was on the Simple Dollar previously. Too bad, I was looking forward to a new post.
Instead of giving your mother money a stipend and her giving you free babysitting, pay her a fair wage for babysitting. It might come out more or less the same, but she won’t feel she’s accepting charity and you won’t feel you’re sacrificing your goals for her. Babysitting will just be a line item on your budget, as it should be. Instead of getting a personal trainer, try to find someone who needs dog-walking services in the evenings. You and your son can get exercise together, you’ll bring in a little bit of extra income, and because it’s an obligation,… Read more »
1. I would get the therapy. You won’t feel as overwhelmed if you can settle your own mind first. 2. Check to see if there are dental schools nearby. Often they offer free or low cost dental care if you’re willing to sit with a student (supervised by an experienced dentist) 3. Accept help, esp. from your family. They want to help, and gracefully and thankfully accepting help will make them feel good. However, I would probably defer accepting help from the boyfriend until things are a bit more ‘permanent.’ 4. I’d be careful about making promises to your son… Read more »
That the same exact question was on The Simple Dollar probably just speaks to how desperate this woman is feeling. She probably emailed everybody she could in hopes that somebody would answer. 🙁 Take care of your own mental health. You’ll never be able to handle all of this if you are feeling depressed and overwhelmed. Take care of your physical health. It is worth it to get fillings in baby teeth because the decay can reach down to the permanent teeth and cause more problems. Make sure the boy is brushing his teeth twice per day! Vacation is not… Read more »
Kim, You need to attend to your mental health first. I grew up with my mom being bi-polar and there were times when it was not fun at all. This was 20+ years ago so I think medicine and treatment has advanced some since then. Improving this will pay dividends for you and your son for a long time. Don’t try to change too much at once, make smaller changes and focus on getting them integrated into your lifestyle and habits. You can probably let the physical fitness goals slack for a little longer, assuming you are in relative decent… Read more »
Forget the personal trainer and quit your second job. Find a few families to start your own dog walking service a few days a week. Take your son along with you and spend some quality time with him. He’ll be out of the house before you know it. Savor every minute until then. You have the rest of your life to work.
I echo the advice to drop the boyfriend. Get your own life together before you start dating again. You are clearly overwhelmed with your life, yet you’re dedicating time and energy to someone who’s not family and not your son? Your son is picking up on your wacked out priorities – he can tell that you aren’t putting him first. You don’t seem to have the mental energy to build a relationship so let that go for now. Spring for the therapy. Your own mental health/peace of mind is priceless. Bail on the vacation. Explain it to your son. Let… Read more »
There’s a lot of good advice on here, so I won’t repeat it, but one additional thought I had is that you should check with your local public health dept to see if they have a dental clinic and if they can help you. Our town’s health dept has one specifically for children. It is important to care for your son’s teeth, even the baby ones.
Like everyone else, I think health is the first thing. Bipolar disorder is not something to mess with. What do you watch on cable? I’d cut it and make good friends with the public library. You can get videos of movies, TV shows, etc – ones that you can watch with your son and make that even more time spent together. If spending time with your son is important (and it is), you can look for ways to exercise with him. How about learning to cook with him so you can eat more healthfully? A simple vacation – to a… Read more »
I agree with so much of what other have said above. I’d like to add, cutting the cable TV could save you a bundle, and could be a wonderful change for your son as well as for you. You could help your son learn to deal with his “down time” in healthy ways: reading (library books!); being creative; interacting with you, grandparents, others; spending unstructured time outdoors; cooking; …and the list goes on and on. You’d be giving yourself this gift as well. Also, eliminating TV from your life, or at least reducing the time you spend with it, will… Read more »
Take care of yourself first! If you’re not healthy (physically, mentally, or emotionally), you can’t take care of your family to the best of your ability. While I can’t talk to the specifics of most of your spending, the one I can say something about is the personal trainer. There are a couple of websites out there that are free. One is sparkpeople.com and the other is myfitnesspal.com. I have an account on both but find that I prefer My Fitness Pal. Both let you track what you’re eating for a calorie count as well as your exercise. Both also… Read more »
Folks, I have no control over whether people send their questions to both me and Trent. Though I read The Simple Dollar, I don’t read the mailbags, so I’m never going to notice a duplicate. Even so, the audiences of the two blogs are different. There’s a lot of overlap, sure, but it’s no big deal if both of us run the same question.
Wow. This was painful to read and I can see why JD was unsure of how to respond. I am by no means any kind of expert, and I don’t want to seem unkind, but here is my advice for this reader. 1.) Fix health first. If that means no boyscouts, no trainer, no cable, do it. There is NOTHING more important than your son’s health and yours. And a previous commentor is correct–dental neglect of any kind will not only become a painful problem, it is an extremely COSTLY problem when left unattended. The fact that you are even… Read more »
Some great advice here. I would focus on identifying one or a few things at a time that you can cut/tackle and your mental health. Instead of worrying about solving all of your problems, find a few to focus on. Once those are resolved, find a few others. Start with the small, or easy, ones. Then work your way. You have time. With each expense – and each question (like the vacation, for example) – as yourself “do we NEED this” “is there a better way” and “is there a cheaper alternative.” I think those questions often find some wiggle… Read more »
No one here can dictate your priorities. In fact, you probably already know what they really are, but it is easier for you to ask others than to slow down, take a couple of hours, and write out what they are and how you will approach them. Make a date with yourself one evening this week, get a nice pen and notebook, turn on some quiet music in a cozy place and give yourself 2 good undistracted hours to carve out your priorities and create a plan.
* Do I tell my mother (who helped me immensely when I was 17 and pregnant) I can no longer give her a stipend and pay for her cell phone so I can pay off my debts faster? Maybe. By giving her a monthly stipend, you have, to a certain extent, made her expenses your expenses. If she needs some help to eat or to keep in modest housing, by all means. help out. If she’s being frivolous (probably not too likely at the income you quote,) then you have no responsibility to fund that. I’m not making accusations here,… Read more »
I have to agree with previous posters. 26 and two failed marriages? It’s time to stop and focus on yourself and your son. I too have a 7 year old boy (and an almost 5 year old). I think one of their most favorite things is to go for a hike or bike ride with us. These are both free and excellent exercise, and involve time with your kid. A lot of dental schools do low cost dental care — I’d definitely suggest checking that out (I’ve done this myself — they did good work). Is it possible to find… Read more »
First priority: get the treatment you need for your mental health issues. That will make everything else easier to sustain. Call around and see if you can get seen at a University Hospital clinic or get some help with the costs. Second: take care of your life with your son. That may not mean doing expensive things (like expensive vacations)– you may be able to do something like local camping or even hiking/park visiting as a vacation with such an active son. Find out what free things are available to you. I know from personal experience that telling your kid… Read more »
“I’ve cut a lot out of my spending except cable tv. Do I give up this last thing and hope for the best?” Seriously? It is TELEVISION! Get rid of the cable and get your health fixed ASAP (psychiatrist, dentist and some zero dollar exercise). I’m guessing if you do this, everything else will fall in line AND you won’t feel so overwhelmed in general. And I know this part won’t be popular: You may want to get away from your family. Something about your story makes me feel that you do not have a healthy relationship with your parents.
The first thing that jumped at me was the spending of $1K in a wedding. Shocking, considering your needs. That’s where the money went most recently. That’s the equivalent of 40 therapy sessions at the price you pay. First thing is take care of the bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder can cause (among other things) out of control spending, so yes, everything is connected. Your therapy is very reasonably priced, $25 a session is great. Don’t waste that opportunity and stick to it. You seem to be covered in the mental health area, but for people who can’t afford health insurance,… Read more »
If you have a DVD player, you can borrow some tv series and movies at the library and that might help alleviate the need for Cable. If you have internet, you can watch a lot of shows online, too, but you might not have that. But I don’t think cutting out television will magically make all your financial troubles go away. I think you’re already on the right track and you know what needs to be done but the problem is that you are overwhelmed. For this reason, I think the mental health comes first. If you are taking care… Read more »
Of the choices Kim put up, here is the order in which I would implement them, no joke. Basically, she was asking for confirmation on things she already knows. She has to take this list and then do them, she can re-prioritize in between steps, but she should probably do most of them. 1. Cut cable. Do it. It takes less effort than you know. You can fill the time with free books from the library, trust me. This is the easiest thing to do, so it comes first. 2. Go back to therapy. You will probably have to cut… Read more »
Why she must tell you where her acct is? Maybe this is a smarty pig plug
Anyway, there are only two answers:
Increase her salary (schools, tech)
or
Decrease her expenses (cable, car, housing)
I haven’t read any other comments, so sorry if this overlaps anything. Sounds like your needs and wants are completely overlapped and confused. You want to lose weight and get in shape, but you don’t NEED a personal trainer. Get a workout dvd from the library and start using it. You don’t NEED cable tv, and you certainly don’t NEED to pay for your mom’s cell phone. You have teeth that need medical attention, it doesn’t matter what’s on tv. You obviously love your son and want to give him everything. You can’t. When I was young my parents didn’t… Read more »
I’m guessing that your diet may be to blame on the weight gain, as most 7 year olds who brush their teeth don’t get cavities unless they are drinking/eating tons of sugar. A personal trainer will not magically give you self-discipline. Until exercise and diet are a priority to you, you will not see any progress in this area. The same is true of your debt. If you continue making vacations a priority over debt reduction and health costs, your situation will not improve. Get your priorities straight and stick to them–you will see great improvements in your life if… Read more »
I would probably start by cutting the television expense. The only reason I say this is because I did the same thing and never looked back. I’m a lot more productive than I was last year. I think it’s great that you don’t want your boyfriend to pay for everything. It says a lot about who you are, and it’s probably why he offers. Is it possible for you to consider a career change? Depending on where you are, you might be able to find a job that pays better, and you can quit the second job after you pay… Read more »
Kim –
Give yourself a huge huge hug – you are succeeding in so many ways – being loving, being supportive to so many, and doing great. I get that you feel overwhelmed – wow – give yourself a break. pick one thing – just one and then one more – go slowly and don’t try to do so much at once.
One point on the less financial side of things: I really think that your mental health should be first priority, even if it means scrimping on things your son wants. That might sound terrible, but my mother has bipolar disorder, and when I was a child, I found it very difficult to understand or deal with. Children are extremely perceptive about their parents’ moods and even if you’re putting on your best face for your son, as I’m sure you are, having a mother who is depressed or acting erratically is confusing and upsetting. So don’t put therapy in the… Read more »
Definitely get rid of the cable. Simple, easy solution that will free up money for your therapy/medication and for paying down debt. I have not had cable since I moved out of my parents’ house 5 years ago, and I don’t miss it at all. Hulu has all of the shows that most people watch, so unless you are watching things on HBO or other premium channels, you don’t need cable. Sure, there’s a little delay between when it first airs and when you can watch it, but that’s a minor inconvenience. Getting rid of cable will help you get… Read more »