How much money should you have saved before having a baby?
For the most part, this site reflects my values and my experiences. That’s natural. One of the first rules of writing is to “write what you know”. This is one of the main reasons I’ve brought staff writers aboard here at Get Rich Slowly — their experiences are different than mine, and they bring different perspectives into play.
Sometimes I have big blind spots in my life (financial and otherwise). One rather large blind spot stems from the fact that Kris and I have opted not to have children. Because of this, I have nothing in the way of real-world experience to bring to discussions of how kids affect finances. (Well, I do, but parents aren’t inclined to listen to non-parents, so I just keep silent.)
Still, this is an important issue to many folks, as is evidenced by this question from Andi, a question I’m not qualified to comment on. Here’s what Andi writes:
When do you know when you have enough money to have kids? My husband and I both are excited and feel “ready” emotionally to have children. (We’re in our early thirties, married five years.). We’re pretty financially stable now. We both have good degrees, and only about $15,000 in student debt between us, and no credit card debt. We also have some retirement savings (around $60,000) and some cash on hand in an online savings account (about $40,000). We don’t own a home. We are living with my parents until we move to a different city in a few weeks.
Here’s the thing: We’re in the process of re-jigging our careers and moving. We’re finally ready to try to “follow our dreams” (to be cheesy). For my husband, that means transitioning to a lower paid job (about $40,000 a year — hopefully will get higher in the future) and for me, it means freelance writing and part-time work. I could find a job in my field that pays a lot of money, but it’s miserable drudge of work, and I know I would be unhappy at it. (Still, it’s very tempting.)
At this time of transition, we’re just not sure if we can “afford” kids. What if our new jobs don’t work out? We’re pretty frugal and aren’t the kind of people who would want a lot of “stuff” for our kids, but daycare, etc. is just so expensive. People who make a lot more than us say they struggle. I wonder whether we should just wait until we’re more established. (We also tend to move a lot, and my husband’s job isn’t permanent). I’m also worried that I’ll have kids, and just freak out about money, and give up on my own personal ambitions in favor of security. But we definitely want kids, and that clock is definitely ticking.
Any thoughts?
I think this is a great question, and I’m glad that Andi and her husband are willing to take the time to ask it. I wish more people were willing to think this through.
That said, as with anything, I think there’s a delicate balance of wants vs. needs when it comes to children, and how people cope with this determines how affordable kids can be. Trent at The Simple Dollar does a great job of documenting how he and his wife have been building a family without drowning in debt. Many other folks have built families on small budgets.
But, as Andi says, there are people with solid salaries and substantial savings who struggle. I think a lot of it depends on what you think your kids need need in order to prosper and be happy.
My own opinion as a non-parent? I think the time and attention you spend on your children matters a hell of a lot more than the money you spend on them. The money you spend is irrelevant. Your kids don’t give a fig if you’re dressing them in the latest fashions or buying fancy toys or sending them to the best schools. They’d be just as happy wearing hand-me-downs and playing with a ball and a stick. I’m not kidding. What they want most is attention and affirmation from their parents.
But, as I said, I don’t actually have kids, so I’m only making a judgment based on watching other families (and on my undergrad studies into child development). I think Andi wants some real-world advice. That’s where you come in, readers.
What do you think? How much money do you need before you have children? How can you know you’re ready to start a family, both financially and otherwise? And what sorts of things can Andi and her husband do to become better prepared for kids? What advice do you have for them?
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There are 268 comments to "How much money should you have saved before having a baby?".
I’m only 23, and don’t have kids (yet). We can’t all be experts from the perspective of parents, but we can all look at it from the perspective of the kids, surely. Or at least I’m young enough to still remember being a child 😉
We didn’t have many luxuries when I was growing up, but I still think I had a great and happy childhood. In fact, my mum was an unemployed, single, teenage mum when she had me. She still has debt left from then, don’t get me wrong, but now she’s got a high-powered career and is doing well. Lack of money didn’t stop us being happy, or succeeding. Both me and my sister have a university education and I’m in a graduate job I love. My mum couldn’t pay for clubs or classes, but she was a stay at home mum when we were little who took us to free museums and basically let us live at the library. There are frugal ways to bring children up.
Sure, you should put yourself in as good a situation as you can, but you shouldn’t wait too long if you’re emotionally ready. What if the “right” time never comes?
My wife and I got married when we were both college students. We have been married for over 18 years now, and we have 7 children (17, 15, 13, 11, 9, 7, & 3). Are children expensive? Well yes and no. Children are as expensive as you want them to be.
My family spends about $1200 per month on groceries, and I always here how incredible that is… I have a friend with 34 children living in their home, mostly adopted from other countries, beautiful family, and their grocery bill isn’t much more than mine.
My income because of what I have chosen to do over the last couple decades has been all over the map, from hundreds of dollars a year to hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. The children notice that we may not eat out as much, or go to as many cool places… but that is the older ones, once they turn 12+ they start to want more ‘cool things’ that cost more generally.
I would absolutely jump in and get started with your family. My wife and I started immediately… she got pregnant 2 weeks after we got married… so that was pretty quick. Did we have money? No, would I recommend others do what we did? Well, it was fun, and it was exciting… it sure built our faith in each other…
The only thing to fear in parenting is to think that you know everything about kids… When I first got married, I thought I could write a book about parenting, now 18 years and 7 kids later I am not sure I could write a 2 page pamphlet that would have much value on parenting…
Good luck, take the plunge and hold on to each other.
Touche! Reminds me of the old adage “I had no children and ten theories on raising them. Now I have 10 children and not a single theory!”
Someone told me once that children “cost every dollar you earn. If you earn $10,000 or $1 Million, it doesn’t matter, they still cost every penny.”
And in many ways I find that to be true. Even my own retirement savings is thought about in a “I don’t want to be a burden to my daughter when I am old” kind of way, instead of a “what do I want/need when I am old” way.
When I had my daughter I was a single 21 year old, first year university student. I made $6,000 that year, and rent took up most of that, so she certainly cost me every penny that year!
But now that I am financially stable, life style creap has meant that while I am saving more, I am also spending (a lot) more… and now we take more vacations, see more live theatre, wear nicer clothing, etc. etc. And so she still costs me every dollar I make!
You are absolutely right about the time vs. money thing. We have five kids and a pretty average income for a family with only two. I can tell you that a) kids aren’t nearly as expensive as the “experts” claim they are, if you’re just creative about how you raise them and b) if you wait until you feel like you can afford it, your fertility window might be closing by the time you get there. I say jump in and don’t look back. Enjoy parenthood. Don’t worry about the money. It truly doesn’t matter.
That’s a lovely sentiment. Does it apply to poor people as well?
The only thing I am concerned about with the letter writer is whether she has health insurance or if she could afford health insurance if she has to pay out of pocket.
I totally agree on this. You don’t need a whole lot in terms of material things, but I would be very loath to have a child without reasonably secure health insurance.
Although, one would also need to plan for insurance not to cover everything. Our insurance doesn’t cover a nurse-practitioner in the emergency room. We also paid all our own prenatal and birth costs ($3800) because our insurance doesn’t cover care and birth associated with a planned home birth.
Jenny is absolutely right. People today seem to think you can turn your fertility on and off like a light bulb. The older you get, the less likely you will be able to conceive.
The decision about having children much more about if you want to be a parent than if you can “afford” it. Life is uncertain. You can lose your job or a spouse can die. More commonly, the wife may decide she wants to stay home with the children. You just can’t plan for these things or put them on a spreadsheet.
All people need to be concerned about their finances but really the question becomes; who is the master? Do you work for your money or does your money work for you?
Sue, 41 year-old stay at home mom of 5 who pays for her kids without government help
I agree. i have 3 kids at the age of 28. I work full time as a registered nurse in NYC (great salary) but I became a nurse after I had my kids. The children were my priority. I am married and happy and so are my children. So many people are so caught up on the perfect financial circumstances in order to have children. Finances are important…but so is life. Not only are you at a higher risk of infertility as you get older but research shows that you’re more at risk for complications. If you want kids, have them and enjoy them.
Very true, kids need parents’ time and attention not money. But, JD when the kid starts going to school, there are various parameters come in to play where in you need to spend money on your kid. I know a kid who was getting bullied in school for his hand me down dresses and their parents’ frugal practices. In their world things happen which grown ups can’t imagine.
I have no kid yet but its not waiting for money rather, it just that god is not willing yet.
I’m not surprised HE’S getting bullied at school for wearing hand me down DRESSES 🙂
Kids get bullied for a lot of reasons — like their ears being “too big.” I don’t think waiting until you can afford nice clothes is the best way to solve a very complex issue.
I totally agree! My daughter got bullied for no reason at all. I teach junior high, and it’s a brutal time, no matter who you are or what you look like. My brother has 6 kids and a salary of about $60k a year (though he was making a LOT less 9 years ago when they started having kids). The kids are beautiful, happy, and intelligent. It might get harder as they’re older and want cell phones and such, but there are great clothes available at second-hand and consignments stores (that’s where I do all my shopping, even though I don’t have to!), and with the way kids grow, often hand-me-downs aren’t very ragged. If there’s a will there’s a way!
I was bullied for wearing hand-me-downs, not having Barbies, and reading books. Even if I had millions, I would not want my future kid to have everything his/her peers think he/she is “required” to have.
Apart from the money issue, I think that teaching a kid they can buy their way out or change their way out of bullying is a very bad life lesson.
Parents need to stand up to bullies, too.
I have learned so much from being bullied, the main thing being not to succumb to peer pressure. Which in turn makes me refractory to keeping up with the Joneses. I’ll be eternally grateful that my parents never felt it necessary to protect me from bullying by buying me Stuff that would make me fit in.
All kids get teased for *something* at some point in their lives, which is what I think you guys are discussing. When the teasing causes a child to fear for their safety at school, then I would call it bullying.
Bullying is serious, and I think a distinction needs to be made between it and the general *ribbing* we all go through as kids.
I don’t know about the others, but I’m talking about bullying. Bloody noses, knocked out teeth, bruises everywhere. I was terrified to go to school. It sucked.
Still, I don’t think my parents should have caved and bought me Stuff so that I could fit in.
Kids are a-holes. Sad but true. They’ll bully you for anything. I wouldn’t spend unnecessary money on clothes in the hopes that my kid wouldn’t get bullied.
Plus I got bullied in school because my parents didn’t have a lot of money, and you know what? I think it was good for me. It sucked at the time but it taught me a lot about how to treat people with respect and decency, no matter what they look like or where they come from.
If you wait until the perfect time to have kids, you’ll never have them. Having children is the biggest life-changing event that I’ve had. You must completely change your thinking. It’s no longer about you, it’s about the helpless human being you’ve brought into the world who depends upon you for everything. The definition of parenthood is sacrifice. It is more about this than the money: Are you willing and happy to completely rearrange your lives?
I gave up a successful, time-intensive career as an engineer because my sons were so much more important than any worldly success I could have had. After they were in school, I choose a less-demanding career as a high school mathematics teacher. That may sound like a sacrifice, but what I’ve gained from being their mother is worth so much more than anything I could have gotten as a highly-paid engineer.
I completely agree with you Marsha. Parenthood comes with many trials and tribulations. If you choose to hold off because of money (especially since you are in a pretty good position to start with), you will never have the “right” time. As for the sacrifice of parenthood, I think that comes naturally. The day we brought our first born home from the hospital, my husband and I marveled. We couldn’t even remember what things were like before we had him! It truly is amazing and something you will never regret. Also, I would take into consideration your ages. Getting pregnant required a lot of “practice” for us. Over a year of trying for each of our three kiddos.
I totally agree with you, Marsha! I have 2 teenagers. If you wait until the ‘right time’ to have kids, you will never have them. & it is also true that after you do have them, they come first, period.
That said, kids are expensive even if you aren’t bothering with the designer clothes & toys or even daycare.
Making sure you have access to good health insurance/medical care is an absolute must because a massively expensive and critical health crisis can come up really unexpectedly–you have to be covered.
Another thing I think parents have to remember–you are a parent your whole lives, not just during the first 10 years when your kids are extremely dependent on you. Your family needs you to prepare for your own retirement and if you can als help your kids with college costs they will really come out ahead.
Thus making rash and irrevocable decisions about your family’s future based on the idea that your kids will be young forever is a bad idea. As parents, you can best take care of your kids & family throughout their lives by not ignoring your own health and welfare.
So if you want to stay home with your kids while they’re young that’s great, but your plan has to also include what you’ll do after they grow up. Too often, people only look at present costs: ie they compare current daycare costs vs one parents’ current job income. But daycare is only needed for 10 years or so while you’ll likely need a career and earning ability for the rest of your life.
I have never commented before, and I’m sure that I’m going to get reamed for this, but I completely disagree. Your kids only get one childhood. If you can possibly afford it, stay home with them. You don’t do a whole lot of child rearing in 2 hours between daycare and bedtime.
A lot of parents work and have more than 2 hours a day with their kids; my partner and I worked slightly off-shift of each other when my son was in daycare. Last year I worked when he was in school or sleeping. I’ve worked with parents who worked opposite shifts and had no paid child care at all.
But aside from all that, there’s a lot of parenting in whatever hours you get in, and a lot of SAH parents ignoring their kids to be on the internet or do housework all day.
I completely disagree with you. Making time for your family is important, but I don’t think that having one parent stay home all the time is necessarily the best for all families.
Studies have shown that there is no measurable difference between how kids with a stay-at-home parent feel about their families, and how kids with both parents at work feel about their families. What makes a difference is QUALITY of parenting. Make the most of every second you have with your child.
There’s something to be said about managing your time and money to maximize time with family. But I also think there’s something to be said for showing your kids that work and family can be balanced. I would never stay home, partly because I love my career and want to show that passion to my kids, and partly because I want my future daughter to understand that she doesn’t have to choose between work and family. That’s a lesson that I think many kids with a stay-at-home parent don’t necessarily get.
I hate to say it, but once the kids are in school they’re spending more time with the teacher than they are with parents anyway. If I’m ever blessed with kids, I’m hoping I can work part time when they are really little, then try to keep the same hours they do when they’re in school.
Perhaps that’s a pipe dream, but I’m structuring my career to allow for some flexibility.
Elizabeth said what I wanted to. I was going to ask if all these critics of daycare also homeschool their children?
I can’t remember if it was this blog or another, but I once read a comment that children need their parents most during adolescence. So if you’re serious about “being there” for your them, that would be the best time to be a SAH parent. Makes sense to me.
I would have gone insane if my mom were around all the time. Especially in high school/junior high.
And I mostly wanted as much time outdoors playing with friends before that.
Despite that, my parents were great. If I needed someone to talk to, some support, they were always there for me. And that was and is more important than having someone constantly hovering/around.
My parents stayed home (both of them) while I was a kid, but they both had outside the home jobs until I was about six. I feel like I was reered on both ends of the spectrum, and I don’t think either way is ideal. As a young child, my brother started to call my grandma ‘mom’, and I have very few young memories of my father.
On the other hand, I had no privacy at all once my parents started staying home, and they monopolized my time. “family time” was more important than spending time with friends, so I never really had friends over, because it was always family time.
I love my parent so much, but there was no Right Way. Some things about work/daycare raising suck, and some things about staying home suck. Kids notice what makes their parents happy, so if you want to work, do so, and if you want to stay home do that. To me this debate is a non-issue, quantity of time with your kids is not equal to quality time with them.
I have to completely disagree in working instead of staying home while the kids are young. Growing up my mom was with us all day everyday and I would be more than willing to sacrifice any money she would need now because of the great blessing I got with her being a mom. If your plan is nothing more than daycare, don’t have kids.
I respectfully disagree. I have two kids (6 and 18 months). I work full time and my kids are in school and/or daycare from 7:30-5:00 every day. I am a great mom and they are happy and well-adjusted. I know for myself that I would not be nearly as happy if I was staying home full time with them. I think it’s entirely unfair to make a blanket statement that you shouldn’t have kids if you’re just planning to put them in daycare. Really, more than anything else, this is not something that anyone else can dictate to another family. I don’t work because I need money to buy my kids ‘stuff’, I work because I love my job. That doesn’t mean I don’t also love my kids.
So because my parents both worked, they shouldn’t have had me? Really? This attitude is pretty terrible. My mother actually did something with her life besides just raising her kids, and she was no less a mom than yours was.
I’m sorry, but it’s beyond stupid to believe that you know what is right for every family based on what worked for you.
I could just as easily argue that stay-at-home parents are often resented or taken advantage of by their children. I see that happen quite a bit. Kids know when you rely on them for your self-worth because you have no career or purpose outside of raising them. By that token, it would be much better to have a job outside of your children.
I wouldn’t argue that, however, because that wouldn’t be true for all families. It’s been the case for many of the families I’ve seen, but not all. Some families do great with a stay-at-home parent, and some do great without one. Everyone makes their own situation work. No need to be judgmental because what works for others may not be what works for you.
jess @ 11 November 2011 at 11:57 am
Your comment (“My mother actually did something with her life besides just raising her kids”) deeply offends me, enough so that I’m commenting for the very first time. My mother was raised on a farm. Her father died when she was 11. She dropped out of school to help support her family at the end of 8th grade. Later, she was a stay-at-home mom, raised 4 kids, and other than volunteer work at school, did not have a career. She was one of the most well-read and brilliant women I’ve ever known. I am insulted that you imply “just raising her kids” isn’t enough. I quit my job to take care of my mother during the last year of her life. It was the least I could do even though, you probably think I was “just taking care of my mother.”
“It’s no longer about you, it’s about the helpless human being you’ve brought into the world who depends upon you for everything.”
The fact that it allegedly takes kids to bring about this shift for so many people is one of humanity’s major challenges.
I think you’re totally right JD in that a lot of parents (or potential parents) get caught up in what they think their kids ‘need’. As long as they are well fed and have a roof over their head what they really crave is parents attention.
One thing that my wife and I talked about a lot before we had kids was you can always make excuses for not having kids (friends wedding, job promotion, moving house, not enough money) and if you’re not careful you could keep doing this until its too late. If you’re emotionally ready I would say do it and you will figure out someway to pay for all the stuff the child needs.
As a fellow “early thirties” woman, I say go for it now. The part people always forget is that it takes a long time from start to finish (so to speak) from the time you decide to try for a baby to the time the baby is born. Even if you get pregnant relatively quickly, it can be 3-4 cycles (months) plus the baby will be growing in you for 9 months. That means it could easily be a year or more from now before you child is born. If you are emotionally ready now, you have time to work out all the details long before the birth of a child. We have encountered many fertility obstacles with having a second child (no problems with the first- this seems to be a common problem among my friends) and it makes me wish we had started earlier.
You might not want to fully count on that extra nine months to get ready. Pregnancy affects women’s bodies differently. I spent six months of mine in bed on tube feeding with a home health aid checking in every other day due to “morning” sickness that never let up. I could not possibly have held down a job during that time. On the bright side, I never did have to worry about losing the pregnancy weight that most women complain about.
I agree with Melissa. We delayed having children until we could afford it and now we’re struggling to conceive – and my biological clock is ticking. It probably wouldn’t happen to you, but it does happen to some people.
My husband and I got married in our later 30s. We decided not to have kids right away, since we weren’t “ready”.
If we knew then that we’d be spending thousands of dollars in infertility treatments, and enduring years of disappointments and life “on hold”, we’d have had kids “right away”, or at least not waited.
The main thing is to have good health insurance, and having a flexible work schedule is a plus.
It wouldn’t hurt to have your hormone levels checked out (like FSH) IF you don’t get pregnant within 1 year.
My advice is: don’t wait any longer. 5 years of marriage is perfect. You’ll never be more ready.
Good Luck!
I completly agree w/ Melissa. I’m about to turn 34 and was married at 31. DH & I have been trying for 10 months and I always assumed it wouldn’t take so long. We’ve had the full fertility workup and everything looks great. Plus, I’m a healthy weight, eat 60% organic food, have been on prenatal vits for the last year, chart my temp/CM and use OPKs. And it’s still taking forever. Andi – you may assume you’ll get pregnant right away, but I wouldn’t count on it. The most important thing is that you’re emotionally ready and ready for the time commitment of having a child. You’re in a relatively solid place financially, although you could be a little more stable work-wise. In terms of finances, the most important thing is to be sure you have solid health insurance coverage. Other than that, go for it!
I thought you were going to say ‘from conception to graduation’. LOL. But yes, from deciding to try to giving birth feels long too.
Still… it is worth thinking about how old you’ll be when your child turns 18, or 21, or gets married themselves.
I’ll be 40 when my daughter is 18. I’ll be (she hopes) a grandmother before I’m 55. One of my good friends on the otherhand is pregnant with her first. When she is 55 her child won’t have graduated highschool yet.
I can’t even imagine dealing with that!
A decade ago when I had two teens in HS and a $654 car insurance bill, I would have signed up for retroactive birth control! BUT…
NOW that I am 53 and have two married, self-supporting sons and two grandson, I am glad I had kids in my early twenties, within four years of graduating from college.
And boy howdy do they EVER think that their Dad and I have gone up sixty or so IQ points since they were kids! Nothing like becoming a parent to make you appreciate your own and their sacrifices.
I don’t have kids, but speaking as a former teacher I agree with J.D. that it’s time, attention and love you need to worry about. I’ve worked with kids from all income brackets and once the basic necessities are met, what children from parents, extended family, friends and the community makes a huge difference. Money can’t buy you any of those things.
You don’t have to be able to afford all the latest clothes and toys — in fact, it’s probably better if you can’t.
Also, speaking as someone who may have to worry about adoption costs, I think if you can have kids the usual way, you’re already ahead of the game. It scares me that I may have to wipe out a good portion of my savings just to have a child. I’m not say that for pity — don’t need it — but rather to offer some perspective.
Another non-parent and never-wanting-to-be-one here. Andi and her husband are currently going through a life-changing process already with the new job options. I would suggest to them to wait and see how they like it, before starting with kids.
I am pretty sure that they can wait one more year before starting to have kids. Fertility rates go down with age, but not that much between, for example, age 35 and 34. If you can’t conceive at 35, you probably couldn’t at 34 either. (Infertility rates go up with 1% per year when you’re 30-35 – so there’s 99% chance that waiting one year does not make you infertile).
Also, please consider that you are going to give up on a lot of options by choosing this one. Sure, you always do (choosing one thing often means not choosing the other), but you cannot un-have a child; while you can reverse a lot of other choices, completely or partially. So also use that year to re-evaluate your wishes. And use it to save up some more…
Probably could’ve skipped that last paragraph.
Children come with a no-return policy. What’s wrong with pointing that out?
It’s a valid point. Not that this is the case here because it sounds like a child would be planned for this couple, but I know several mothers who got pregnant, decided to keep the child because they felt bad about the alternatives and now have children that they don’t like.
As a mom of two, I also think it’s a valid point. I’m currently reading a book called Steady Days about being an intentional parent. The author talks about approaching parenthood with the professionalism that you would approach any job. In one section she says, “being a parent is a life long job. You should strive to do your best at it because you can’t hand in your resignation papers”. That part really stood out to me and I think it’s something that people should think about before having children.
Didn’t you keep your recept?!? 😉
Left the receipt in the instruction manual. Can’t find that either.
We had our kids when both of us were in our late 20’s and I strongly believe that parenting is a young person’s game. A baby can mean weeks of sleep deprivation and a 35- or 40-year-old is going to wear down much faster than a 25- or 30-year-old. Then you’ve got the almost-daily high-speed chases when the little darlings start walking and of course all the emotional drama when they hit adolescence many years later.
Having a baby when you’re 35 means you’re 50 when they hit the teen years and in your late 50’s when they finally become adults. That’s quite an age gap.
I guess not everyone got the memo that life ends at 50. *eyeroll*
Speaking as a 58 year old woman who has been going thru a very hard menopause and post menopause time, I would want to kill myself if I had to deal with teens and this at the same time.
There is never a “perfect” time to have kids. You will always feel you don’t have enough savings, enough job security, or enough time. Have them earlier in life and you feel like you aren’t as well off financially. Have them later and you don’t have the energy that you used to to do everything you wanted to. If you want kids, you just have to take a leap of faith, and then you figure out how to make it work.
That said, the career choices you are contemplating seem ill suited for parents. Your husband has a job with low job security and you want to switch to freelance/part-time work. If you live in the US, that means you are at high risk of having no insurance and potentially both of you struggling to find work. The first few years of a child’s life involve a lot of routine doctor visits, and unfortunately also tend to involve a large number of unplanned emergency visits as well for colds, infections & the occasional tumble that ends up requiring stitches.
When my son was born, I realized I needed to leave my field. The industry was not family friendly–it wasn’t even really “human friendly” as it usually required 80-100 hour work weeks. It also rarely offered insurance. My solution was to shift careers into a field that was more accommodating. You may choose to remain in a higher risk field–many people do–bur you will have to weigh whether the satisfaction you get from your work is worth the stress of living with the very real risks. It’s also important to realize that it’s hard to know what challenges you will face. Our son is special needs and requires a ton af doctors visits & therapy, our friends have huge demands on time bc their son is a gifted & promising athlete. And another friend had to unexpectedly move to a new school district after the principal told her that they could not guarantee that her kids would be safe at school. (She could have stayed put & tried to fight within the system, but moving was the only way she could feel secure about them)
But, as cheesy as it sounds, parenting is definitely an amazing experience if you want to take it on. While it is exhausting and costly, the emotional rewards are immense. It’s something that you can’t explain to someone who doesn’t have kids, simply bc there’s a huge mental shift when you go from mostly considering your own needs to suddenly being responsible for the health and happiness of another. If you do choose to have kids, I wish you much luck and happiness!
I don’t think you have to buy them the latest fashions but I hear Pampers add up to a lot, so money is necessary.
Also, I want to be able to provide good food and nutrition, good medical care, safe shelter, and a good education– the problem with a good education is that it’s not always available to all and you have to pay for it yourself, whether you pay for a private school or extra lessons or you quit work to home school them.
Also, the time you spend with them is most important, yes? But if you are struggling with 3 minimum wage jobs or are getting foreclosed and can’t find a job I’m not sure you”re going to have a lot of “quality time” to spare. Financial instability is a huge source of stress; financial instability when you have mouths to feed is a nightmare.
Which is why my wife and I are not having kids just yet: we still struggle and we don’t want to play roulette with a child’s life and we don’t trust the social safety net should something bad happen. We’re working on building a solid base for our future though.
I completely agree! I am a parent of 2 girls now ages 22 and 18 and having been through most of the typical “parenting cycle” (not that it will ever really end 🙂 I can say from experience that you don’t have to be buying them the latest fashions and toys for them to cost money. If they are anything other than the average for your school district you will end up paying for supplemental education – music, sports, tutoring.
Most parents in the US need 2 incomes to survive. If you work full time you will need to pay for childcare. Even if you work from home you will need to pay someone to look after them while you are working – you can’t concentrate on work and take care of kids at the same time. This gets less over time, but then you have to deal with other expenses.
Medical expenses are huge. My youngest was in the hospital for 3 weeks at the age of 2 weeks. Without insurance we would have lost our home – the hospital bill alone (without physicians) came to $300K. My personal opinion is that, in the US, unless you have a situation that provides a reasonable expectation of stable health insurance, having children is probably not a good idea. It is simply not fair to the child. (Of course you could always move to somewhere civilized like Canada where healthcare is a human right – not a fungible commodity – but that’s another conversation 😉
Then there are college costs – another topic discussed at length in other posts on this site. Can you afford to save from day 1 for whatever post-high school training that your child may need? – because they are going to need something, even if it is not a 4 year degree.
El Nerdo is correct when he talks about stability. Stability and security are incredibly important. Of course children have to know that they are loved and respected – but to me, providing a stable and secure environment in which to grow is a sign of that love and respect. I think that’s one of the questions to ask yourselves as you contemplate this life-changing decision: If I bring a new life into this world what sort of life do I want to provide?
Anonymous’s reply is spot-on.
Do not ask yourself if you have enough money to become parents. Ask yourself if you are now responsible enough to become parents.* Can you provide for basic needs? (Basic needs include health care and decent schooling, meaning they’ll be safe from bullying and/or crime.) Can you devote the time and attention children need? Can you accept that your children will be their own people, not carbon copies of their parents and not projections of their parents’ desires? Are you in it for the long haul, because you’ll be a parent for the rest of your life?
If Andi is thinking about whether they’re ready to become parents, that shows responsibility. The worst ones are the people who have kids without a blind thought.
Regarding time, my mom friends and I came to realize that, for a couple raising a child, 60 hours TOTAL work seemed to be the maximum that works. That means one person can work 40 hours and the other 20, or both work 30 hours, or one work 60 and the other none (this last one’s not recommended though). As soon as the combined working hours of both parents went above 60, family life suffered.
* I am NOT implying that people who choose to remain childless are irresponsible; far from it! I am saying that the need to put the welfare of your children first becomes paramount, and that requires a sense of responsibility.
I think you can go a little bit up once the kids are all in school (my husband and I are 45-55/30, so there’s always someone available after school, and it’s fine — minimal commute helps!) but I like the idea of your rule of thumb. Definitely seems right for preschoolers and younger.
Yep. Time costs money, so if you want to have a lot of time with your kids you have to be living below your means to start with.
I would say, if you think you’re ever going to be able to swing it, get to the point where you can meet your most basic needs on one salary, before you have kids.
For me, pregnancy was debilitating – I could barely function the first five months, then I was on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy, then I had a high-needs preemie. If we’d been dependent on my being able to collect my whole salary through that, we would have ended up in the street. When our son was in NICU, we met one family where the mom had a heart attack during labor, leaving her partner working full time, then visiting his wife in ICU, then the baby in NICU late at night, because he couldn’t afford time off.
But even if you don’t hit the worst-case scenario, small shifts in plans in early childhood are expensive. Say a friend is going to keep the baby on the cheap, but then she decides to go get a real job after a few months – infant day care here costs more than our mortgage.
Were you an older mother to begin with?
I guess maybe you’re just curious but this comment was really UNCALLED for! I have plenty of young friends who are in the prime of fitness who have had difficult pregnancies
I thought it was a reasonable question. My wife and are are in our early 30s without kids. It seems like everyone I know loves to preach about how horrible it is to wait for kids and complications from pregnancy are one of the main concerns.
I was 32, but it wasn’t really relevant to the pregnancy complication I had.
Jesse, the answer really is, “mileage varies.” I was 34 when I got pregnant with my first (and only) – DH & I agonized for nearly 2 years about whether it was the right time to do it. I’d heard tons of horror stories about how long it takes to conceive. Time for me to conceive after we made the firm decision: 17 days. I did have some blood sugar problems late in pregnancy (just had to watch my diet, no insulin needed) and a long labor, otherwise no complications.
What makes the most difference, IMHO, is the history of conception and pregnancy in your wife’s family. In mine, the women are either entirely infertile or pop out kid after kid with no ill effects if birth control isn’t used. I spent my 20’s working hard to avoid pregnancy until I wanted children. Thank God for the Pill.
Many many pregnancy complications are caused by an undiagnosed or undermedicated thyroid condition.
My wife and I are a tad different in that we are adopting, which means we are in the process of saving the $20,000+ for an adoption. However, with tax credits, we should get most of this back, and then we can use those funds to support our child. However, it has been difficult making the decision to finally pull the trigger. You are right though, spending money on kids is not nearly important as actually spending quality time and attention on your kids.
Adoption costs vary a lot. If you are willing/able to adopt a child through your state system (that is, get a child who has been in foster care), it costs nothing. In some cases, the state will actually provide you a subsidy.
We adopted our first son at age 6 weeks. The adoption was almost entirely free, because our end of it was “SWAN” (the Statewide Adoption Network). He actually came from a private adoption agency , though, and so we paid a few thousand at their end.
We adopted our second son at age 13. He has mild ADHD, which allowed the agency to classify him as “special needs”, so we get about $700 each month to help out with his care. That’s what we’re using to fund his college savings account.
Adoption CAN cost a lot, but it doesn’t have to.
Do it. You’ll be fine.
There is no one answer to this question. Just like there is no perfect time to have kids. My husband and I planned and saved before having kids. I was 32 when we had our first. We had a happy and stable marriage, stable careers and a nice cushion of savings. Then I was laid off when I was 6 months pregnant (I worked in advertising and the tech bubble burst). I ended up being a stay at home mom for a while which I had in no way planned for or expected to do. Our vision of what our life was going to be like and what ended up happening ended up being radically different and there were major life changes that had to happen to make it work. But you know what…it worked out just fine in the end.
I am not advocating having kids with no plan or with an “it will all just work out” attitude. However, life is crazy sometimes and throws things at you that you simply don’t expect. You can not plan for every single possibility because you honestly can’t even begin to imagine all the wide variety of things that might (or might not) happen to you and your family in your life.
You have a nice financial cushion and you are both on the same page about wanting kids. You have career plans and other options if for some reason those plans don’t work out. Honestly, I am not sure that it is possible to be more prepared than that short of winning the lottery and suddenly becoming independently wealthy. And, really, that would present an entirely new set of unexpected challenges anyway.
Go for it and good luck!
I agree. My husband and I married at age 28 after we have gone through college and established careers. We had our first child a year later, much sooner than we had planned, but it all worked out. We now have four kids ages 9 to 19. It’s not always easy, but our life is never boring. While I know I could have stashed away more in my 401K had I not had kids, I can’t imagine my life without them now.
This was almost exactly my situation — I was three months pregnant with my first when I got laid off.
Luckily, we had my husband’s health insurance — which is the one thing that I also would highly recommend having before planning on adding a baby to your life. Oh, and make sure you have a plan to keep a roof over your head and food on your table.
Otherwise, the commenters who say there is no good time to have children are exactly right.
You’ll be ready for kids financially when this statement reads right to you: Plenty of poor people have lots of kids.
My wife and I are in a similar situation. We have a few student loans left, but we were ready to start a family, so we did. My wife is due today with our first child in fact.
We decided to start because our debt is almost gone (and will be soon), and we didn’t want anything else standing in the way of having children. We will live off of my salary; my wife will be a stay at home mom. That means a lot less money than what we had been living on, but again, it’s what we feel is best. As JD says, you have to do what works for you. We were ready, so we started our family and I could not be happier.
Congratulations!
This is something we’ve been thinking about recently, but from a slightly different angle: we’re hoping to adopt.
We’ve not started the process yet but know that the social workers will want to know about our finances. From reading forums, I’ve heard of people with minimal savings (a couple of thousand) who were halted in their tracks and other people with large debts who got the ok. There is some variation between adoption agencies but the consensus seems to be they’re less bothered about whether you have debts or savings right now, and more interested in your general attitude to money. If you have debts, have you got a manageable plan for paying them off and staying out of debt? If you don’t have savings, how will you come in a money-draining emergency? Someone is usually expected to take a year off work to care for the new adopted child: how would you cope with that with debts/without savings?
I think these types of questions are as applicable to people wanting to spawn their own offspring as people wanting to adopt. It seems less about the figures as the state of mind – as JD says, people on good salaries can sink, people on a pittance can thrive.
We just adopted a newborn, so I have the new parent perspective. I agree with #5. Get settled in your new life for 6-12 months, and then go for it! Check your health insurance policy to find out what expenses you would be responsible for (or how long you need to be in the new job before you become eligible fr health insurance), check with your county for average daycare expenses, make a list of other expenses, and start setting aside money directly for it. You will also see how the decision to have kids really will affect your life, and you will be more prepared if something unexpected happens (medical complications, etc). The dollar amount you come up with may be daunting, but remember that there are tax deductions and credits related to having children that ultimately offset some of the cost. Some people say that personal spending in other areas will automatically go down when you have a child to take care of, but that is not necessarily true.
We adopted because we found out we are not able to have biological children. It would have been far easier and cheaper to go the typical route. But, the only options we had to us were a form of invitro that would have cost $15-20k (not including prenatal and birthing expenses) and only have a 35% chance of working for us. Our adoption will have cost about $13k, but there is currently a $12k tax credit available. Most adoptions cost 2-3 times as much as ours, though.
As far as weekly child-related expenses go, our childcare (at an in-home daycare facility) will be $129/week. Formula is about $25/week. Diapers, $10 week. Our baby is only a month old, and the first month’s child-related expenses was close to $400, which does not include daycare expenses. Much of that was stocking up on diapers and formula, though.
Money is not the only thing to consider. It sounds like you are doing pretty well financially, and you are steps ahead by asking these questions now when you know you will have at least 9 months (if baby goes full-term) to prepare.
Congratulations on your precious new bundle, and finding a way to make your wish of becoming a parent come true!
Re-reading this post this morning, I realize that I was so focused on stressing that money isn’t the only thing that I forgot to mention that it is expensive to have children, and that your financial position absolutely should be a consideration.
Yes, take money into account. And do your best to prepare for the arrival of children, to take care of their needs. But recognize that you cannot buy a happy child. That takes more than money.
You are right – children are expensive and mine is 24 now. She has cost me money. She has cost me time. She has cost me career choices. She has cost me freedom to do whatever I want, when I want, and with whomever I want to do it. I even have to buy hairdye to colour all the grey hair I’ve gotten!
On the flip side, because of her I have built an igloo and slept in it. I have seen places and done things I would never have done before. (Like geo0-caching and orienteering) I’ve learned from her and because of her. She has helped me to grow up and forward in my life.
No one is guaranteed children (I struggled with 7 years of infertility so I know this first hand) but those that we are gifted with are blessings indeed. Worth everything! (And with the right and responsible choices we are learning to make – not that expensive!)
-Never a perfect time
-You’re emotionally ready- time to do it soon!
-You’re not getting any younger- do it soon while you don’t have to pay for conception.
-Our goal was to have $10K set aside in an emergency fund prior to kids. 2 major health issues with kids later, we are still afloat. It all worked out.
Best of luck!
When do you know you know when you have enough money to have kids?
The answer is you don’t know. And you can’t know.
There are so many unexpected things that can happen during pregnancy (you get put on bed rest and can’t work), during childbirth (an unplanned c-section) or afterwards – you have a child with special needs that require surgery or therapies…
And that’s on top of all the normal “kid stuff” like diapers and food and clothing and daycare.
You should never ask if you have enough money to have kids. You should ask if you have enough time and love to give a child.
Because if you have enough time and love to give, you will find a way to make it work financially.
I’m proof. We’re a single-income family, with a child with autism and a set of twins (one which needed speech therapy, the other physical therapy).
Every day is a challenge, emotionally, physically, and financially, but I love my three boys more than life itself and all of the work is worth every minute!
If you want kids, and you’re ready for the emotional side of parenting, then go for it. The fact that you’re asking these types of questions shows me you’re probably ready.
I think that it is all in your expectations on what you will give your kids. If you expect to have them in the cutest outfits, latest gear, save for 100% of their college expenses and in a hundred classes, then you will never have enough money.
However, if you are willing to shop second hand, hang out at the library and live simply then most folks do have enough money for kids. My hubby and I make a good income but still choose to live this way. It is better for the kids and better for our financial future.
My husband and I are in our late twenties and are trying to figure this out, too. Mentally, I know we have more than enough money, since we are currently saving more than 25% of our income. However, there is still that uncertainty, which I think comes from a lack of emotional readiness. Being a DINK is easy, but suddenly everything is different with kids.
Before you have kids, I think you need to be on a path towards being debt free, saving for retirement, and have an emergency fund set up. You don’t need to be rich, but just make sure you don’t go into debt or need to rely on others to take care of you financially.It sounds like you are already there, or pretty close.
The only problem with changing jobs to follow your dreams is health insurance. Plan ahead and look at your health insurance and get a ball park of how much maternity care will cost as well as make sure you will qualify for FMLA at work when the baby’s born. Have an idea for the max you will spend a year for healthcare in a worst case scenario, as a high risk pregnancy or a baby in the NNICU could wipe out your savings.
“However, there is still that uncertainty, which I think comes from a lack of emotional readiness.” – that is extremely perceptive, and kudos to you for knowing it. In my own case, it was definitely true; was totally not emotionally ready in my 20’s, became that way in early 30’s, and had a child then – the right decision for us.
Speaking as the parent of a 9 month old, kids don’t HAVE to be expensive. It’s true that there really isn’t a good time to have kids if you’re waiting on the $ to be flowing freely. However, I can say that there are definitely better times than others.
Given Andi’s information, they should probably wait until their lives are a little bit more settled. Move to the new town, see how the jobs are working out, find a place to live (rent or buy – which ever you feel comfortable with).
My husband and I waited 7 years to have our child. He was in the Reserves and was deployed twice during those 7 years, then he was working on his Masters degree. We made enough to pay off the credit card every month and even save a little but we didn’t feel stable enough to bring a child into the mix. Even though our child is a joy, she definitely through our routine into a tailspin! Being stable in our living arrangements and careers made that tailspin less damaging. And when we found out 2 months before she arrived that we’d need to move because of my husbands job? We were stressed, but not past the point of no return.
The baby years don’t have to cost a lot – you can use store brand formula (or breastfeed) and diapers (or use cloth). You can shop at consignment sales for clothing, toys and baby equipment. Craigslist is a great place to find gently used furniture, strollers, etc. Carseats are about the only thing you should buy new – and even those don’t have to be expensive.
Even daycare doesn’t HAVE to be uber expensive. Can you find a nanny to share? How about an in home provider? If one person is freelancing, can you work from home and watch the baby at the same time? If you don’t need daycare all the time, can you find a reliable babysitter who can step in in a pinch? If all else fails, remember it’s only expensive for a few years (while they are in diapers).
You can always limit activities to those that are offered for a low cost through your local community center. Kids don’t HAVE to take Karate, soccer, music, and dance – pick one and I’m sure the child will be happier anyway (studies show that kids don’t like to be over scheduled any more than parents!).
Be creative and remember that kids are only as expensive as you make them.
As others have said, you are never ready. My daughter is three months old this week, and she wasn’t a surprise but we weren’t really planning to have her either. We certainly were not anywhere near where we wanted to be financially, so my wife is still working. But it has worked out just fine.
Also, she mentioned that they have $40,000 in savings? That is great! My guess is the majority of people that have kids have less than $5,000 in the bank,total.
Kids are expensive, but you can find a lot of stuff used on Craigslist or garage sales. We found the majority of my daughters toys and furniture used. Also we got a lots of clothes as gifts or hand me downs from family. The only major expenses we have right now is diapers, formula, and daycare. Start budgeting for them once you get pregnant. We would buy diapers on sale before she was even born.
Not to derail the conversation, but having spent a good amount of time in infertility medicine- “the right time to have kids” is too often put off for financial reasons when biology will not wait. Fertility peaks at 27 and is on a slow decline for women after this age. “Advanced Maternal Age” is 35 and over and complications after 40 increase significantly. “Advanced Paternal Age” is often forgotten, but a lot of studies indicate 40 is an early cut off and 50 is generally considered higher risk. I am not saying that you should remove financial considerations, but I see too many upper income women put off child bearing because it’s “not the right time” or they’re in the middle of education/the prime years of building their career. It may never be the right time- so if you are sure you want kids (especially multiple kids) don’t wait too long. If you aren’t sure and you are willing to risk having to spend thousands of dollars on infertility treatments often not covered by health insurance, then wait away for that perfect day to come.
So there is a financial risk to waiting, that’s my point.
I had a job that I loved when I got pregnant. We selected a day care and were ready to go. When I had my first son, I realized there was no way I could go back to work while he was a baby. It physically made me a wreck. We sold our house. I think my husband quietly resented me for a solid year because I changed my mind so drastically. Luckily it worked out where I could stay home. You do what you have to do. Personally I wouldn’t trade that year for triple the salary. I’m just saying, it doesn’t hurt to plan for a contingency. Have your baby soon, you’ll never regret it.
Waiting until you’re in a financially stable place makes sense in the ideal world and I can totally understand it.
My wife and I are due to have our first baby at the end of the year and going down to one salary every month will mean we just about break even every month, which is a pretty scary place to be from a financial perspective if some unexpected expense crops up.
Fortunately, we live very frugally and have about 2 years living expenses saved up, so feel pretty secure, so I can definitely see the advantage of building up a bit of a nest egg.
That said, don’t wait too long, as who knows how easy it will be for you to have children. It’s taken my wife and I 4 years to get pregnant and we were only eventually successful thanks to IVF treatment, despite their apparently being nothing wrong with either of us.
So you could spend years tryig to build up a nest egg and feel you’re now in the right place to have a baby, only to then find out that, actually, it’s not going to be quite as straightforward as that.
I became unexpectedly pregnant with twins right after college and have managed to make it work financially so far. The main things to consider when thinking about what kids cost are the medical costs associated with pregnancy and birth, which can be high depending on your insurance, the cost of either paying for childcare or losing the income of one parent, the potential cost of formula for the first year if you can’t/don’t breastfeed, and the cost of medical insurance for your children. Everything beyond that can be worked into your budget in frugal ways. Buy clothes secondhand or on clearance when it’s out of season. Invest a couple hundred dollars in gently used cloth diapers and you’re set for a couple years. Other than formula, kids don’t really eat enough to cost very much for the first few years. Toys are totally optional. My twins are almost 4 now, and I’d say that we’ve spent less than $1000 total on clothing and toys for them during that time, which is about two weeks of daycare or two months of health insurance.
We have two kids (7 & 4). I agree with the time vs money idea. However, time is money. With kids you have less time to devote to your career which will mean potentially earning less. You have less time for yourself period. And kids still a roof over their heads (bigger house), clothes, food, medical care, etc. For example, we have a high deductible medical plan and had nearly $10,000 in medical expenses this year. No matter how frugal you are kids are expensive and you will need to make personal and financial sacrifices.
Is it worth it? In my opinion, yes.
I think if you have a healthy emergency fund and have insurance, it’s fine. If you know for sure you can afford either to be a stay-at-home parent or pay for childcare, that’s probably better. That said… we have two wonderful kids now, and if we’d waited until we were “secure” we might still not have any!
In terms of stuff that goes with kids… they can be as expensive or inexpensive as you make them. There are options like cloth diapering that save a lot of money (and it’s not as hard as some make out!). Consignment sales have everything you might need for clothing and toys (and since kids grow so fast, the clothing is often as good as new!). Family and friends will give you toys and clothes too – most of what our kids have we didn’t buy!
We’ve had to make a lot of changes in our lifestyle (become a 1-car family, cut cable, eat cheaper foods more often, move to mostly-cash spending) – but I love having my kids, and I love that we’ve been able to MAKE it work so my wife can stay home with them. I work with people who make the same amount I do – and have a spouse who works – who still think they “can’t afford” kids. They can’t if they expect to continue in their current lifestyle – but their lifestyles are a LOT different than mine!
We’ve had our share of crises too – my 2nd daughter ended up in the NICU for a month, and as someone else mentioned, without insurance we’d have lost our house (NICU care is insanely expensive!). It’s been tough – it’s still tough – but we’re working through it.
Despite what they tell you in high school, getting pregnant doesn’t always happen the first time. It might take a while… or it might not. We got pregnant right away, but it wasn’t in the right spot and required surgery to remove. Luckily, we were successful again right away, but some couples aren’t so lucky. We could still be trying. What I am saying is that our parts have a shelf life and sometimes, even during our prime the parts can malfunction.
However, I am not advocating to just go for it without some idea of how your finances will be affected. My situation – our first is due in February. We’ve paid off >40% of our debt and we have a small cushion of savings, both retirement and emergency. We’ve paid off everything except student loans and paid off all the medical bills that popped up this year with an emergency surgery and the cost of the birth. I would love to be debt free before having this child, but I also don’t want to wait until I’m 35 to start trying. We chose starting a family over buying a house.
So, I put together a spreadsheet, several actually. If my husband takes on occasional side jobs, we can just about survive on my income and still save money and contribute to retirement accounts every month. I estimate that we’ll be living on about $40K/year in the Northeast. He will be staying home with the baby. At 34, he’s ready for a career change, and this is a nice segue. I guess carpentry is less fun in your mid-30’s than in your mid-20’s.
Put together some actual costs of baby stuff after you decide what you really do need, maternity clothes (professional maternity clothes that don’t cost a ridiculous amount are hard to find), maternity leave (paid or unpaid), what you feel comfortable with having in an emergency fund, how your retirement contributions would be affected, etc. Don’t buy into the hype that babies need a lot of stuff. Your baby needs you, not 20 different cute little outfits or all brand new furniture. Most of what we’ve gotten for our baby is from craigslist.
I would also evaluate why you want to have children. Don’t start a family because it’s time or seems like the thing do to, like getting married right after college because it’s time and you’ve already invested several years together.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I’m no expert on frugal living, and I’m not great with managing my own money. I *am* a nerd though, and what I lack in willpower, I make up for in tracking my spending.
I’m 28, and my wife and I had a daughter in 2008. She had a complex delivery, which required a surgical team to be called in in the middle of the night – all told, our hospital bill was about $42,000. Because we had planned to have a child, our insurance covered all but $2,500 of that. The rest was paid via our FSA, leaving only about $2,000 out of pocket for us.
Over the first year, we averaged an additional $200 per month in child-based expenses. These were mostly doctor visit copays, over-the-counter medications, diapers, and clothes.
Since then, we’ve averaged about $125 / month in additional expenses – almost entirely clothing now. There is some hidden cost for food there, but it’s hard to track because my wife went from working outside the home to working inside the home at the same time – we spend less total on food now than we did before.
Children *do not* need to be expensive. My wife stays home with our daughter, breastfed, and prepares two meals a day for the family. My personal recommendation is to focus much less on the financial aspect of starting a family and more on the time obligation. It is my opinion that one parent should be home with the children until at least age 5, and later if possible. YMMV.
Don’t forget the substantial tax benefits of having children. Your standard deduction is increased for each child, plus there’s the child tax credit, and if your income is below a certain threshold, the Earned Income Credit.
The thing is, kids grow fast, so it’s easy to find almost everything you need for them second-hand. If you breastfeed, cloth diaper, and stay at home to care for the children yourself, the children will cost you next to nothing for the first few years.
The one thing that you can’t cut back on, however, is health care. If your income is really low, you can get free health care (including for mom during the pregnancy) through Medicaid. Otherwise, prepare to shell out big bucks. 🙁
I have more than a few friends who are waiting till everything is “just so” before they attempt to have children, despite being well into their thirties. I hope and pray that they are still able to have children by the time that they decide that everything is finally “just so.”
Minor correction: the standard deduction isn’t affected by having children or not. It’s based only on being an individual, HOH, or married filing jointly. The exemption is what’s increased by having children.
Thanks for the clarification!
I could have almost written this myself, word for word.
For me, my concerns aren’t about the actual cost of having children (food, shelter, education), but the cost of working less, which we would want to do so we can actually, you know, see the kids sometimes, and the effect of that on our careers. We both really want to be around for our kids, and we both love what we do (and put in many years and accrued many tens of thousands of dollars of debt to be able to do it).
I think that ultimately you make your priorities work. Calculate your worst case scenario and see if you can survive on that. Make sure you have an emergency fund that can cover you till your lease runs out and you can always move to a cheaper place (or your folks’) if the worst were to happen.
Certainly, for the very poor or those in bad financial shape, having kids makes things much harder. But most of the people complaining about how their kids are bankrupting them are probably the type who would be complaining about money even if they didn’t have kids. I only say this because I’ve watched many friends have kids and those who managed their money well before were always able to adapt.
Good luck!
J.D. I think your advise is very solid (and I agree) that time spent with your children is better than money spent on them. But I’m afraid you left a pretty gaping hole to actually discussing some costs of having kids.
Let me go ahead and preface that I also don’t have children, so most of this is conjecturing.
Most people want to give birth in hospitals or other medically trained facilities. This has a cost. Most soon-to-be-parents want more ultrasounds than what insurance cover, want to take Lamaze classes, or other special activities while being pregnant.
The couple needs to be aware that there are some very large costs associated with having a baby prematurely. NICU is not the local Best Western. Emergency c-sections are also expensive. If their family members have had experiences like these, building up the emergency fund would be solid advice.
Can the couple modify their insurance plan to help them cover the expenses of birthing a child? Are they on a high deductible plan and can switch to a PPO type plan (there is often only a small window of opportunity the year before to do this type of thing)? Do their employers offer health savings accounts (HSA) or flexible spending accounts (FSA) that they can max out to put aside money before taxes (and then spend after taxes!)? Can the couple look ahead to how much their insurance premiums would increase once having children and if that is something they can fit in their budget?
What about their vehicles? If they only have single cab pickups and motorcycles, they will need to lay down some cash for a vehicle appropriate for carting around that bundle of joy. How much does a child safety seat cost?
An easy trap to fall into is keeping up with the Jones kid-rearing style. Not every piece of clothing has to be brand new. If they are too young to walk, then do they actually need baby shoes? Kids grow incredibly quickly so dropping $50 per outfit that the munchkin will outgrow in just a few months might just be stretching that budget way too far.
Looking further down the road… Andi and her husband should consider education choices for their kids. What level of education do Andi and her husband have? Will they expect that for their children? Do Andi and her husband want to financially help their kids with college/technical school expenses (no is a perfectly acceptable answer)?
Health insurance is the key. With my high-risk pregnancy, emergency C-section birth, and my son’s NICU stay, the final tally was something just under $200,000. My HMO was WONDERFUL – we paid out $200 because one of the neonatologists was out of network. That was it. But we got all the “this is not a bill” statements.
We had friends whose daughter was in NICU for nearly 8 weeks – I don’t even want to know what the final bill was. And most parents whose children need ongoing special care (intubation, skilled nursing, etc) end up on public healthcare assistance or stuck forever in whatever job they had when the baby was born if their insurance is good, because the costs are just staggering.
Wow…not to get political or derail the conversation, but I can not read these comments on health care insurance/costs without being grateful to be Canadian. My son was born 9 weeks prematurely,spent 3 months in NICU and underwent 2 major surgeries (I was a student at the time he was born)…total out of pocket medical costs: $0.
I was able to complete my degree and went on to start my own business (again, without worrying about how to manage health insurance.)
The decision-making process(around when and how many kids to have)certainly is different on this side of the border.
Totally. There are reasons your kids are more likely to be planned than ours are.
When my son was little, some of his health problems made his pediatrician suspect cystic fibrosis, and we seriously looked into transferring to a Canadian office of my partner’s company while we waited for the test results.
I’m not sure people ever feel truly financially ready – I’m in a very fortunate position and am still worried about whether I can “afford” to get pregnant. I think in most cases, when you’re thinking ahead to actually ask this question, you’re probably going to manage just fine.
Having said that, there really is a tremendous amount of change going on in your lives right now. I think it wouldn’t hurt to settle into that for a while, build the best “baby fund” you can, and then dive in!
I was surprised to see the very question we’ve been asking ourselves pop up this morning! My husband and I both have good jobs, we’re very conservative with our money, we have some student loan debt that we’re planning to pay off entirely in the next year or two. We’re not worried about the cost of stuff for the kid, because we’re not into fancy things. We’re hung up on the childcare costs (and my husband is a little hung up on the whole idea of childcare vs. someone staying home like both our moms did). We live in the D.C. area, and all we seem to hear from people with kids is how expensive it is, how long the waitlists are, etc. Essentially everything we put into savings now would go to childcare. Our current plan seems to be to save save save so that we have a large cushion when we do have kids. But I’d love to know more about the range of childcare costs and options.
It was a shock for us in the DC metro; $1000 to $1500 (per child) depending on the provider or center you choose.
My theory is when you’re ready to have kids, have them. Sure you shouldn’t be broke and hope the govt will help you raise them, but I know waaay to many couples who waited until the finances were there and then found themselves in the mid-thirties struggling to conceive because of whatever problem (and sometimes because of age.) Not much is more stressful on a marriage than a biological clock that’s ticking away quickly and an inability to conceive.
With that being said, when you have the first, follow up quickly with any others so they grow up, and leave the house, together. They you’re not spending your whole life with a child in the house because they are expensive! My oldest (7th grade) used to be happy with hand me downs and a stick. Once the peer pressure sets in (for him, it was junior high, for others it’s much, much earlier) it’s hard to make them wear hand me downs all the time. I don’t spoil him, but it’s getting hard to justify the “no cell phone” rule now that he’s in sports and going to away games on the bus which arrives back at the school sometime between 9-11 p.m. and I have to guess the time to pick him up. (Yes, we go to his games but there’s no telling where the bus will stop after each game! McDonald’s and 12 yr old boys is a deadly combination!) And just recently I purchased two shirts for him in a store that only a few years ago I would have shopped in for me.
So as far as how much money do you need – well that’s up to the parents. Every parent makes different spending decisions for their children. But it is an expense that, at first, you’ll absorb by not going out as much, etc. when the child is a baby. When they get older the expenses are more abundant.
I agree. It depends on what type of parent you are. We had our first when we were in our early 20’s about a year after we got married. We were nearly as well off as teh couple in this entry and today, we are in a great financial place 3 kids later. You need enough money to pay for the birth and some cloth diapers (you could diaper a child from birth to potty training for under $250). Plan to breastfeed. Private insurance is high for a baby as well as daycare. These two expenses could run you around $1,000/month but if you stay at home with the baby and don’t need private insurance (see my blog for my current series on living without insurance) then baby will not cost much at all!
My husband and I wrestled with the same questions. For us
-we looked at our budget
-made sure we had enough to contribute to our emergency and retirement funds after estimated child expenses (diapers,clothes, daycare)
-talked to daycares to find out what they cost (it varies widely)
-started trying to have a child
-I was almost 30 and it did NOT happen right away, took over a year in fact
-Um, the second one was a one month baby, so go figure 🙂
My final advice: get ok with uncertainty. Children ARE uncertainty and NOTHING will go exactly as you planned it! They truly are individuals and not just mini versions of you. Prepare the best you can, then get ready to adapt to change. I wouldn’t trade my life with my children for any amount of money!
It was said, but I will say it again. There is never a perfect time to have kids.
The direct expense is one aspect but what I find even harder is the additional concern over about finances. When it is just you and your husband it is easier to adjust if/when you hit a financial rough spot. It’s not so easy to sell your home and move into a small apartment if unemployment hit if you have a couple of kids.
But aside from finances I would also say that age should be considered as far as your health and stamina in raising kids for the next 18+ years as well as retirement. If you think about it, if you have kids in your early twenties they will have moved out and be on their own before you are fifty. That gives you time to really prepare for retirement, travel while you still can, etc. I realize it is too late for that scenario, but the longer you wait the longer you start looking at funding college (assuming you wanted to) and retirement at the same time.
I had my kids in my early thirties and at 40 I am already dealing with loss of memory and loss of energy. It’s not a huge deal but I can see the physical and mental advantages of having kids while you are young. Just another perspective to consider.
I completely agree JD. As a 23-year old my wife and I have discussed when we want to have kids. While we’re not exactly sure, we hope to have the majority of our mortgage gone, and no student debt either by the time we turn 30. This is our tentative date. Our early savings has been greatly aided by our rural lifestyle, so that has been a major factor.
Now is the perfect time. You have 100k in the bank. I would guess most parents have almost no money at all. You’re in the process of changing your life already, why not go ahead and shoot for what you want? You wouldn’t want to spend all that time working on your new careers just to find out it’s not going to work with children. Figure them both out at the same time.
How much do you NEED to have kids? Not a lot. You can afford clothes, baby gear, time off work but you might not be able to save as you should for the future.
And kids absolutely do not need the latest and greatest. It is absolutely true they remember the time they spend with you, not getting an iTouch for their 6th birthday (yes, I’ve seen it). The only things I bought new for my son were a car seat, crib and crib mattress. Everything else came from Craig’s List, garage sales, consignment and thrift stores. To this day, 80% of his wardrobe (he’s 6, so he still gets two new wardrobes a year at this point) is second hand. I do buy socks, underwear and his shoes new. Rain boots, snow boots and jackets are bought used.
Before having kids, I would make sure the questioner’s have:
– Superb medical insurance. Sure, many states have free vaccinations for all children under 18 but that doesn’t cover well baby exams (at least 8 in the first six months alone), sick visits, and possibly emergency room visits/ hospital admissions.
– Fully funded retirement funds
– Secure employment OR enough of an emergency fund so they have a cushion
– Child care. Even if one parent stays home or can work part time from home, they will still need child care for appointments, occasional dates, ect.
– Be able to afford those nasty surprises that always pop up when you own a house (if they choose to buy).
A word about the nursery: some say the nursery is for the parents. and to an extent, it is. Preparing a nursery may help a parent to be mentally and emotionally prepare for the child. The nursery is also giving your child his/her own space. But it doesn’t have to be expensive; it should be a clean, safe and pleasant room. And please give your child his/her own space, even a corner of the living room or the master bedroom. I know a woman who took “the nursery is for the parents” idea too far and keeps her baby in the pack and play jammed between the toilet and the wall in the windowless, second bathroom. Her child is nearly two years old and had never slept in anything other than a pack and play.
“I know a woman who took “the nursery is for the parents” idea too far and keeps her baby in the pack and play jammed between the toilet and the wall in the windowless, second bathroom. Her child is nearly two years old and had never slept in anything other than a pack and play.”
I think I’ve seen that blog- very scary!
That Wife! What a ridiculous example of motherhood.
OK, the toilet is gross. I hope no one uses it. But there’s nothing wrong with sleeping in a pack n’ play. My son has a bedroom with a very lovely crib given to us as a gift. BUT, over the last two years, we’ve used the pack and play for very extended periods of time. I seriously think we could have used it as a full time crib. What’s the difference? It’s just looks.
If I had no money or really wanted to save every penny, I’d get a used a pack n’ play as my crib.
But I think there was some value to having a nice nursery. Nice spaces are soothing to me. I spent a lot of time in the nursery. But I could have easily spent FAR less. And I would not spend money I didn’t have for things like my lovely rocking chair or new dresser.
I would argue that a separate room for a nursery is not a necessity. The risk of SIDS is shown to be reduced when the child sleeps in the same room as the mother. Also, if you’re planning to breastfeed, which is the healthiest and most economical choice for mother and child, it makes much more sense to have your baby in the same room, ideally withing arm’s reach, for middle of the night feedings. With this is mind, new families should be able to buy another year or two of planning and saving before upgrading to a larger apartment or house if there isn’t currently a a spare room available for a nursery.
I was 25 when we had our first child and 27 when we had our second. There are a lot of factors that you should consider. Most importantly giving birth itself. The older you are when you chose to have a child, the higher the chances of there being complications in the pregnancy and problems with the child. Both of my pregnancies were high risk. My first child had to stay in the high risk nicu for a couple weeks after being born. Our medical bills were over 90000. I had/have medical insurance so I only had $2000 out of pocket to pay.
After that, We had to purchase special formula which cost $49 a can after insurance. at 2 cans a week. We did this for 4 months.
My case is an extreme case which also involved extra doctors appointments. (My baby is ok now)
My husband and I both work. We originally planned for me to take a 3 month maternity leave then for our baby to go to daycare. But I had to return to work and with our baby having special needs at the time, my husband ended up taking a paternity leave when I went back to work.
There are a lot of costs involved in actually having children that you should budget for. These include time lost from work, medical bills, new clothing for you… Then there are costs involved in raising the kids which may include child care, more time off work when kids get sick, children’s clothing, diapers, more food, bigger living space.
It may seem like a lot to handle, but there are ways to minimize your costs.
1)We currently have 2 children in daycare. We negotiated our daycare rates Having multiple kids helps in this. Also, businesses are starting to understand that you can always go somewhere else
2) My husband also changed his work schedule so that we only use daycare part time. This cuts our daycare costs in half
3) My family has a system for when new kids are born, we purchase all the diapers needed so the mother and father don’t have to worry about that.
4) We asked for samples of baby products every where we went. For samples that were sent in the mail, we had the samples sent to our house, and to the houses of family members. So for baby number 2, we didn’t have much formula to purchase
5) We connected with one of the formula manufacturers and received a discount on any formula that we purchased through them.
6)We purchased our high chair from a neighbor for $10 and used it for both kids then sold it for $15
These are the baby costs that we have incurred and how we’ve handled them. We still have a long way to go. But I think that having the children far outweighs the cost or the sacrifices. For example, if I didn’t have kids, I’d be driving a Lexus truck right now instead of my Toyota Camry.
I gave up luxury to create memories. Remember that you can always find ways to make more money and buy new things, but you will not always be able to have kids. And the older you are, the less time your kids will have to spend with you.
I say have the kids now and worry about money later. Just make a plan.
I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last 15 months and I agree that if you wait until the perfect time to have kids you won’t have any.
By the time our daughter was born we had a pretty good handle on our finances and were able to put some money in savings every month. What I call our “lost job account” wouldn’t last us a full 6 months (which is our goal) but fertility has a limited window. I’ve seen so many people struggle to get pregnant that I wasn’t willing to wait anymore.
Since I stopped working it seems like we’re better off financially. We’ve paid off the car and my school loans. I think that the pressure of having only one income made us see where we could make changes more clearly.
I’d say get settled in your new place and then start trying!
While it sounds like plenty of people are giving money advice, I would assert that health and maternity benefits might be the limiting factor for you.
If you are doing freelance work, maternity leave is whatever you can afford for your time. But your husband sounds like he would need official paternity leave benefits. Most places require that you work there for a year before being eligible for these types of benefits.
Also, you’ll want to make sure his work or your private insurance will be sufficient for your maternity care and hospital stay, and all the baby’s health needs. You can’t buy a discount doctor’s visit on Craigslist!
Children are wonderful! I have an 11 month old daughter and in her short life, we have already experienced a job change and a big move cross country. What she needs most from us is love an attention; however, it is wise to sit down before you get pregnant and think about a few things. What do you think you will owe as a part of your birthing experience? How much do you want to spend on the nursery (furniture and necessities), how much time will you take off from work and what compensation will you have during that time? Once you know these amounts, save up that money. If you have to, start before you get pregnant. My husband and I try to live economically, but we still ended up spending around $2000 between the medical bills and the things we bought on our own (crib, dresser, breast pump etc…) Buy used if you can, but make sure that the items you buy used are still considered safe and have no recalls. The amount listed above doesn’t include my lost income for the 3 months I took off for maternity leave. I live in a place where I don’t get paid maternity leave and I am not able to get short term disability through my employer so I had no income aside from the vacation time I took. In the end, the money lost and the few expenses we had were more than worth it. Our daughter is a joy and a blessing and we plan to have more…although next time around, I will be setting aside money for medical bills during my pregnancy so I am not blindsided by them when they arrive and I am still exhausted from giving birth and nursing a new baby! Good luck to you!
One more thought…breast feed and cloth diaper if you can. Breastfeeding is FREE and MUCH better for your baby than anything else around. Cloth diapering has an up-front expense, but it will save you tons of money over the long haul if you go with a flexible system…just be prepared to do “loads” of laundry. 🙂
I was at a staff baby shower several years before I had my son and after seeing all the gear my fellow teacher was receiving, I remarked that I would never make enough money to have children. The veteran parents laughed and said no one ever has enough money to have children. You just have them and make do with whatever salary you’re living on.
That has certainly been the case with our family. I quit my job to be a stay-at-home-mom and we have had to scale back on some of our luxuries and plans. But it doesn’t matter. We make do with what he have available to us and I’d have my son again in a heartbeat.
In terms of practical advice for Andi, my husband and I knew that I would want to stay home with our son, so the year before we were ready to start trying, we lived on just my husband’s salary and used mine to pay off a home equity loan and get ahead with savings. Andi could do that for a year to help her feel more comfortable with their money.
My husband I became pregnant unexpectedly and it wasn’t the best time. However, we make it work. Babies and toddlers are surprising inexpensive, even with formula and disposable diapers. I think the key is to have a clear idea of what your health insurance will cover. Health insurance is a must in this situation. I had a very standard, run of the mill pregnancy and the medical bills would have sunk us if not for my excellent health insurance benefits. If the job changes described in the post means health insurance will change or even lapse, it’s important for Andi and her husband to figure out exactly what is covered before getting pregnant.
Young children only need clothing, food, and shelter. As long as all three requirements are met, everything else can be improvised. As many toys as my son has (gifts from family members, mostly), he was still happpiest as an infant with some tupperware and a spoon. They have no concept of “new” versus “used” or money at all.
Andi and her husband are much better off financially than my husband and I were when we became pregnant; I say go for it (once they get their ducks in a row with health insurance.)
I agree with a lot of commenters that there if you wait until you feel financially “ready,” that day might never come or might come too late. My husband and I felt that way and so we just decided to start anyway. We were emotionally ready and we knew we could find a way to make the money work. We have. We live on my husband’s small income (36k per year) in an expensive part of the country (Chicago suburbs). I would be lying if I said it was easy. It’s not. I buy generic diapers (Target brand is great!) and accept any hand-me-downs I can get in terms of clothing. I buy most toys on Craigslist or get things on Freecycle. Seeing as how most kid’s toys are plastic, I wash them down well and bleach them and they look like new. You’ll be surprised how easy it is to find used children’s goods that are still in great shape. And I wouldn’t trade my two sons for all the money we could have saved (especially with me still being at work) or anything else in the world. I’m not saying the way we did things is right for everyone, but it is a viable option depending on your priorities.
I know a fertility specialist who says to time stuff based on how many kids you want- if you want just one you have more time than if you wanted two or three. I wish several of my friends had figured that out before they started their families at 35+ and now can’t have baby #2. Or any baby at all.
So many are saying they should wait a year to have life settle down but being in their 30’s they may not have that year to waste. If they are 33 now, wait until 34 to try then they are at least 35 when #1 is born and who knows if a second baby would be possible.
I had #1 at 33 and #2 23 months later- we didn’t want them quite so close together but I got pregnant again as soon as we began trying figuring the age difference would be between 2-3 years. Watching our friends and knowing we wanted a second child we were willing to have her a little sooner than possibly not at all.
I am a stay-at-home mom for 2 girls – one almost 7 and one almost 2. My advice would be that if you have nothing else, have health insurance. We have lived with AND without, comfortable and poor, and more than anything else, health insurance will help you sleep at night. When you don’t have much, you’ll find a way to make it work, but the saying “you’ll worry yourself sick” is a VERY apt statement when living without health insurance.
To say that your life will be forever changed is an understatement. Rich or poor. And failure is just not an option. Food can be bought or grown/raised. Clothing can be bought or made. Shelter can be on your own or with family/friends. Plan now to have only one of you work and to have health insurance – that way, you’re prepared in case one of you wants to be home, and know that the other person’s income could at least fund childcare if someone DOESN’T stay home.
I don’t have time to read through the many other comments, so I’m sure someone else has brought this up, but women do not have the biological comfort of waiting indefinitely. We started trying at 27 and it took over a year and fertility help as well. There is no guarantee that once YOU are ready, things just magically will happen. Since the OP mentioned their age, I would say to go for it. You can always make more money, you can’t always have a biological child you conceive on your own. Tough, but true.
That being said, OP might not be that well off by GRS standards, but they are WAY better off then billions of people having children on the planet. Literally, billions. They can DEFINITELY afford a kid. Kids cost as much as you want them to. We cloth diaper, breast feed & shop consignment stores. I made my own baby food before my son ate real “people” food. Find a daycare co-op, or move by family (since they are moving around a lot). For the first two years all a baby really needs is boobs and diapers. Everything else is a luxury. 😉
As a mother of 4 kids ranging from 16 yrs to 5 years, here are a few thoughts.
1) they are all correct that there is usually no perfect time to start a family.2) Things change. Jobs, the economy, your needs and desires, the kids’ needs, your helath and ability to work, your kids health etc. Being able to be flexible is crucial. You will be more able to absorb changes and take advantage of opportunities if you are debt free. PAY THE STUDENT LOAN OFF BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT. 3) Either you or your husband (at least one of you) should have regular employment with health insurance. Pre-natal care and delivery, newborn care etc is expensive even if you choose relatively low-tech/natural options and there are no complications. But if there are problems, it could wipe you out financially. 4). I echo the suggestion to spend a year living on just one income, while saving the rest. You will be adjusted to the new budget, and hopefully have that cushion. 5) I believe it’s true that it doesn’t cost as much to raise a child as some “experts” recommend. But I am telling you it gets very expensive. We live fairly frugally, but something is always coming up. That said, your time and attention is the most important thing your child/children will need. 6) It is so easy to just start sacrificing once the kids come along. Just do not skimp on your marriage. A happy union is important for your kids, your financial ife, and you will still have each other long after the kids are grown.
A couple of points:
1. daycare costs vary wildly depending on where in the country you are. In the Seattle area, infant daycare 10 years ago when my daughter was born would have been $1000 per month, more than double the cost another post had mentioned.
2. Yes, almost everything can be bought second hand up to a certain age. I found it difficult to find second hand clothes for my 4-6 year old at that stage – the stage when kids actually start wearing through their clothes before they outgrew them, and shopping the sales at Target, Penny’s etc. was actually cheaper.
3. I haven’t seen anyone else comment on the phrase in the original question “I’m also worried that I’ll have kids, and just freak out about money, and give up on my own personal ambitions in favor of security.”. Yep, that’s one of the big choices about having kids. It’s a really rare couple who have both parents pushing hard for their personal ambitions at the same time they are raising children. Why? Because you have to sacrifice the time you would have given to your job and now give it to your kids. It’s one of those things that until you have kids you don’t really realize just how much you’ll have to sacrifice. But most of those that do it don’t consider it a “sacrifice” because they are happy with the choice. Those that don’t want to sacrifice their career ambitions usually have a spouse that will, or don’t have kids.
Of course there are exceptions to this, but there are only 24 hours in a day, and you really can’t spend the day holed up in an office writing and raise your children (yourself) at the same time. And do you really want to have children just so a nanny can raise them instead?
“It’s a really rare couple who have both parents pushing hard for their personal ambitions at the same time they are raising children. Why? Because you have to sacrifice the time you would have given to your job and now give it to your kids.”
THIS!
That was the line in the question that stuck out to me as well. One or both of you are going to give up something you want for your children, if you choose to have them. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can spend all your time “following your dreams” and still have a lovely, well-adjusted family. That is a recipe for resentment. Accept that you WILL be giving something up for them, and be happy about that trade-off, or don’t have kids. I don’t think money (per se) is going to be the issue here. The issue is that once your child arrives it is going to be them first, you second. Period. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
I’m going to speak on behalf of the rare couple who makes it work – having a nanny/house cleaner is the best money ever spent. It allows both of us to advance in our career and still spend quality time reading to and playing with our baby each day. And we’ll be able to put him through good schools and share with him things we enjoy, like travel and skiing.
Like Heather, my husband and I are also in our late twenties and trying to figure this out.
We are frugal people and don’t believe that our future children need brand new everything, but children are expensive. But having another mouth to feed, body to cloth, etc will cost money. my husband and I will be out of credit card debt by the end of the year (yay!). The next big goal is to put ourselves into the best possible position to afford children.
I’d love to hear what people have to say about what they wished they had done differently when financially preparing to have kids. How much would you recommend before taking the leap and having adding another member to our family.
Yes, it’s different for everyone and no, there’s no perfect answer, but I’d love to hear what other people’s experience was!
Crack whores get pregnant every day, they are usually broke. We had to fight male pattern infertility problems, so our first kid took 5 years, multiple surgeries and IVF, and about $40,000 to get here.
There is no right answer to that question.
My two cents worth- probably influenced by being Catholic. Have children as soon as you can. As has been said before, the #1 thing that they want, you can provide for basically free. They want you to hold them, tickle them, talk to them, read to them. Our society will try to teach them that their close need to be a certain type, and that they “need” to have an iPod, or whatever the latest fad is, but your children do not need those things. They need food and shelter, which you presumably already have, and they need your love, attention and time. Society says that time is money, and it is true, up to a point, but for all intents and purposes you should only need to spend the incremental money for extra food and clothes.
My husband and I were unable to have kids, so I am basing my comments on my friends’ experiences (in my early forties, about half of my friends have children).
Based on that, it is *much* more important to be emotionally ready and to have a strong, healthy marriage than to have a certain amount of money. You sound like you make good financial decisions, and you do have an emergency fund, so I say go for it.
More money makes things easier, but you will not really know how *you* will feel about parenting until you’re a parent. I know women who planned to stay home with the kids, who decided they needed to work for their (and their family’s) well-being once the kids actually arrived. And I know women (and men) who planned to work, who decided once the kids arrived that their priorities had shifted and they found a way to stay home. As long as you trust your judgement, feel you can depend on your spouse, communicate well with them, and have the ability to earn your living, then if you want kids, don’t wait for some “better time.”
And as so many people have already said, waiting can throw you up against the very hard, very expensive wall of fertility treatments or adoption instead of home-grown young’uns.
mmm. i would say my grown children do not have enough money for their two kids. I am stil glad they have them, but they have no savings, live in an icky apt, and both have to work full time. The working full time is the sticky issue for me. If a kid is sick, it’s a major stress about who will take off. Making up a rule on the spot, I would say you have enough money if you can live on 1.5 incomes so one person has the option to work part time. To only see your 1 year old one hour in am and one hour in pm is not great parenting and if a child isnt doing well with a day care provider, you cannot take off to make sure she gets to a place that is right. Its a very time pressured thing which frankly ecourages parents to deny certain realities. So when lack of money translates into lack of time to parent, it is a problem. The “being poor” part is fine if you have one parent at home at least part time- then they have time to cook, make things, help family live cheaply.
Do you have room in your heart for a child? Then have one. Don’t wait. They are not a car that you save up for. My brother had five. They lived in a small house. They survived on one salary. They now has two pharmacists, two nurses and an Air Force pilot. It is way more about the time you spend than the money ( all were gifted and none went to special schools or played tons of sports- so that is a false argument). Yes, they had medical expenses- but isn’t that part of life? And yes, they have retired before sixty because they knew how to manage money.
My daughter had their son when they were 23. Poor as church mice. They are now 27 and her husband makes a ton of money, but a weird infection took her fertility. One can never predict the future.
Have children, live life, if you are smart about money- you will be able to retire and enjoy you children-and, hopefully, their children someday.
I have to say- that thing about being bullied for wearing old clothes- or non designer clothes is… Bugs me. People who live in that circle will probably always be things rich and pocket poor. Not a good place to bring up kids….
Yeah, but growing up I knew a couple at church who had a lot of room in their hearts for children. They each had 2 or 3 from previous marriages and ended up with 22 kids.
The father was a door-to-door meat salesman. Now he works at a convenience store. The family all loves each other as far as I know, but they’ve been on welfare and other support for much or all of their lives. They live in a house that friends were kind enough to let them live in because they were kicked out of their old house. They have never had a reliable vehicle.
I don’t think being poor should stop you from having a kid. There are worse things than growing up poor. But there are different kids of being poor. Somewhere between one kid and 22 you need to consider how well you’re going to be able to take care of your family and what you want to be able to provide for your kids.
Of course- I know single 40 year olds on welfare as well.
I do know a family of 17. The number of doctors that came out of that family is amazing! To go from 2 and 3 to 22 is pretty..unbelievable. Are we talking steps and grands and foster or what?
I have a number of friends with larger families (we only have two). It is all about being money smart- isn’t it?
As long as you don’t make other people responsible for the “room in your heart”. I really resent having to pay for food stamps, health care, housing, and remedial education for kids whose parents should have waited for money in the bank and a steady jobs before starting with kids. I know bad stuff can happen to anyone at any time, and I’m glad we have the societal safety nets in place. But at least in our area, it seems as though this is Plan A for 75% of the people using them …
(I am *not* talking about the OP here!)
We’ve adopted older kids three times, so I’m writing this as someone who is willing and happy to be generous given a choice. I just resent being forced to pick up (via taxes) for other people’s irresponsibility.
And no, I don’t see any way to fix this. Once the kids are conceived/born, society has an obligation to care for them.
And now for a few sweeping generalizations from my life:
For most of my friends who got married and had kids while going to college full timethings have turned out OK even if finances were tight at the time they had their first kid. This includes myself.
Many of my highschool classmates who had kids while not married or who were only enrolled part time in college are still struggling financially and many are no longer with the parent of their child.
I think what I can say generally from my experience is that having a plan (full time college) and someone committed to having a family with you (married) both make financial success with children much more likely.
There’s no great financial time to have kids. They’re expensive and complicate time management, but if you wait till you’re debt free and have your life well organized you’re going to be 90 and in a nursing home.
My wife and I waited until we were debt free including the house before we had kids. At age 30 we had our first and now we’re 32 with a second kid. This definitely is not a necessity but we’re happy with the way things turned out.
Do you have enough money to have kids? The answer is just about always yes.
Do it! We had our daughter when we were 34 and couldn’t be happier! She’s 6 1/2 years old now. It will totally change your world and you will be a different person.
I know there are tons of comments so maybe what I’m adding isn’t really knew but it’s ‘Ask the Readers’. I realize (after the fact) that I was emotionally ready for kids when I quit saying we weren’t financially ready and started running the numbers to prove we were. We were always financially capable of having kids – but until we did – I wasn’t ready to ‘give up’ (which ctually meant slow to less than 50hrs a week – what it took to be ‘competitive’) my career. Yea, money matters, it matters a lot. But in a different way than – we need x$$ to afford kids. It matters that you and your husband are on the same page for what is important to sacrifice. I’d kind of hazard a guess that if one of you is not willing to even consider staying home full time (it’s not about the money – it’s about putting your kids before your career)- you may not be emotionally ready for the sacrifice that having children brings.
There was also a switch for me. I was ready when I was *ready*.
Oh, except I TOTALLY disagree about the needing one person to be willing to sacrifice to stay at home. That’s ridiculous. My son is perfect and could not be more perfect had one of us stayed home instead of worked. My sister and I are pretty awesome and we would not have improved one lick had a parent stayed home with us. We’re PROUD of our working mom who taught us that you can raise well-adjusted kids and have a full-time job, because she showed us that we can do that too.
So wise that Andi and her husband are actually talking about this and seeking input (think how many people just meander into parenthood without giving it any thought, financial or otherwise).
I am a married mom of a 13-year-old and 6-year-old.
Even without indulging kids, they are expensive. Of course, you have obvious things like food, clothing, insurance, which even if you aren’t extravagant, still are needed. The kid’s gotta eat. The kid needs clothes, etc.
A lot of the expenses, though, are things you can’t foresee — everything from small expenses (buying birthday gifts when they get invited to parties) to big expenses that really add up (lunch money, school fees, sports fees, swimming lessons, etc).
But my experience has been that you figure it out. Sure, they do cost money, but they bring a lot of joy, perspective and richness into the picture too. Things that can’t be reduced down to dollars and cents.
We make tons less money than we made when we were first married, but we’ve adjusted. We go without things that really don’t matter. We teach our kids that what matters most is relationship, loyalty, kindness, time together, etc.
And we still manage to buy them an occasional slushie! HA!
I agree that if you base the decision strictly on money there will never be a right time. But you certainly have to take money into consideration because having a child should be a selfless act that is more about their needs than your own. And I think having a child too early when you don’t have enough money is a selfish act. You’re essentially limiting their options. I’m 35 and just had my first child and can say that it was the perfect time because I’m well established in my career and money management. Had I had a child when I was 23 there is no way I would be able to provide her with the life that I can now. Having a child too young doesn’t just impact their future, it impacts your own financial future.
And yes, a child really doesn’t cost that much. At least not the essentials like diapers and formula. But I wanted more for my child than the bare essentials. I wanted to give my child everything I had, not necessarily material possessions but a good education, great family vacations and a financially secure upbringing. That takes a bit of money and planning. I don’t think money should be the only factor but at a very minimum you should be set in your career, have health insurance in place and a few thousand bucks in the bank.
Because you’ll have your kid(s) for such a long time, I don’t think a difference of a couple years in your starting point will make a huge difference in your long-term financial stability — given that the LW already has a decent nest egg. In fact, if you’re planning to be at your lowest income level in the immediate future, that kind of makes it an ideal time to have kids because the cost of taking time off for maternity leave will be greater later.
The two big considerations in terms of “can I afford this right now?” are start-up costs and childcare costs in the first few years.
By start-up costs I mean the cost of actually having the child. The cost of pregnancy and childbirth is something you can calculate. Just call your OBGYN and ask what their global fee for prenatal care and delivery is — it can vary a lot by provider. They don’t charge per visit, but one big fee at the end. In my case, I had a $5k deductible before my insurance paid anything, and then I paid 30% after that. I think it was probably a total of about %7,500. So it was steep, but a knowable sum.
Childcare is a big expense unless you have a family member willing to work for free. In my case, my entry-level writer’s income wasn’t enough to offset the cost of daycare, so I’m spending a couple years at home and freelancing a little bit. But I underscore a little bit because you cannot expect to get much work done with an infant or toddler around. I keep at it mostly to keep my resume fresh so that when I do reenter the workforce, I won’t have a huge loss of earning potential. But I do feel like this is the best possible investment of my TIME right now. I am thoroughly enjoying my daughter, and if we’d waited until I was making more money, I wouldn’t be at home with her. I’m delaying my presumed climb up the income ladder by 3-5 years, depending on when we have a second child, but it seems like less suffering to do it now than later, you know?
I agree that there’s never a “perfect” time to have kids. That said, it’s important to consider the costs (most of which can be minimized as much as you want, except for daycare, which is the big one) and ensure that you can afford to have kids without being in the negative every month (unless you want to live off your savings, which would be a valid personal choice but not one I’d feel comfortable with as eventually they’d run out).
You mention you are in your 30s (I know that this doesn’t necessarily mean fertility will be a problem for you, but it does begin to decline through your 30s) and don’t say you have any family history of fertility problems, but I agree this is also a really important point. We started fertility treatments when I was 26 (I inherited the female fertility problems in my family), not knowing if it would take months or years and wanting to be prepared. I was lucky enough to get pregnant after only 3 months and we now have a 16-month old. Thanks to a couple years of good raises, we’re now in a place where we can comfortably afford two daycare tuitions in our budget and are just now starting to consider when to try for a second.
I don’t really agree that if one doesn’t have kids, then one isn’t necessarily qualified to speak. I agree with that sentiment if it’s regarding very specific rearing or disciplinary scenarios.
But financially, I think those of us without kids still can have a say. You might as well argue one couldn’t criticize a broke relative who leased a sports car because we’ve never leased a sports car, or have no right to criticize a co-worker who complains about money issues–yet eats out every day–until we ourselves decide to eat out every day. Such blanket prohibitions would make it very hard to argue for/against anything.
Also funny how this usually comes out when criticism is involved; I can’t imagine one complimenting someone on their parenting skills and have the parent retort: “oh, be quiet. what do you know about parenting?”
To be sure, I haven’t particularly seen this attitude on this thread, but I do see its effects in JD’s defensiveness in the article (though I can’t blame him).
“I think those of us without kids still can have a say. You might as well argue one couldn’t criticize a broke relative who leased a sports car because we’ve never leased a sports car, or have no right to criticize a co-worker who complains about money issues—yet eats out every day—until we ourselves decide to eat out every day.”
I agree with you that childless people can, and should, still have a say. IMHO, however, there is a seismic shift in a person’s psyche that occurs when s/he becomes a parent that forever changes your thought process, attitudes, and priorities. It isn’t easy to explain; using your analogy about a car above, a MUCH better analogy is trying to explain sex to a virgin. Think of how you thought about sex when you first heard of it but had never experienced it, your observations of how people who had had sex behaved, what you thought should happen, what you thought you should or shouldn’t do when the time came to have sex, and when you thought you might be ready. Someone who’s 18 and hasn’t had a sexual experience will not have the same perspective on sex as someone who’s lost their virginity. The experience changes you, and it can’t easily be explained.
I’m not sure it’s about being “qualified” to speak; it’s more about talking about a life-changing experience one has actually gone through vs. talking about a life-changing experience that one hasn’t had directly, only observed in others.
I agree with you, but the logic goes both ways. My married friends seem to think they’re experts on being single. Yeah, perhaps they were single at one point in their lives but they have about as much idea what it’s like to be over 30 and single as I do being over 30 and married 😉
Still, I welcome all opinions. You never know who you are going to learn from.
Little kids don’t demand money, they demand time.
There are two main ways to free up time:
1) Have one parent quit and stay home. This costs money in the sense of lost income.
2) Outsource the whole thing and send your kid to daycare. This is expensive because you’re paying for someone else’s time.
As much as they might think otherwise beforehand, most new mothers don’t actually want to leave their infants alone with strangers and go back to work. My wife was nervous about leaving our daughter alone with my mother the first time just for an hour, and my wife knows my mother and thinks she’s very good with our daughter.
If you can afford to live on one salary, then there is not that much extra expenditure to take care of a young child.
Meh.
Excuse me? How can you even begin to speak for “most mothers?”
I’m sorry, but why is it so controversial to say that any mother who has bonded properly with her child won’t want to stick the child in a day orphanage/baby farm unless it’s absolutely financially necessary (and – to go back to the content of this article – with a bit of planning, it won’t be)?!
Good grief. You must be a troll, Annelise.
My son and I have bonded properly. We rejoiced at our reunion each day I went to work. He’s amazingly well-adjusted and snuggly on every metric. My mom bonded with my sister and with me.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t also enjoy being mentally stimulated at work, and not having to spend every second worrying about my kid (and the attendant cleaning up messes etc. it isn’t all sunshine and cuddles… it’s also spit-up and explosive poo). Yes, I would have liked maternity leave, but BECAUSE we were bonded well, and because we had excellent childcare that we trusted, it wasn’t the least bit traumatic to leave for work.
Even better, my HUSBAND bonded with my son, which is something one doesn’t always see when only one parent is working and is working long hours while the other stays home.
We both had time with our baby and it was obvious how much he was getting from alternate care providers. Holly (the pediatric nursing student) and Helen (the vet student whose mom was an expert in child development) taught him all sorts of neat tricks we never would have thought of. Mary (with the 6 younger siblings) and Megan (similarly familied) were full of cuddles. In fact, I could say that I feel sorry for all the kids who only have experience with just one adult as babies… except I know that most SAHM actually do get help from relatives and friends. The difference is that money is less likely to change hands.
I could make the same argument that anyone who is a SAHM but isn’t doing Attachment Parenting is also not bonding properly with their kids, but that’s just as stupid an argument as yours, and equally offensive.
Nicole, name-calling isn’t nice – please take that back. I was just expressing my exasperation that whenever anyone on this site suggests that most women would prefer to stay at home and look after their kids, they get all these nasty replies such as yours as if they’ve said something incredibly controversial. I was lucky (or foresighted) enough to be able to take a career break when my child was born (I wouldn’t have had it any other way) but several of my friends went back to work quickly after giving birth because they HAD to and they told me it was the most heartbreaking thing in the world to leave their children with strangers in these impersonal daycare institutions. They also said that in hindsight they would have waited to have kids until their partner’s salary could have allowed them to stay at home, at least for a few years until the children were old enough to go to school. That is surely one of the main discussion points of this article. No need to call me “stupid”. Your original “meh” comment was also unnecessary.
So shall we extrapolate further from your statement that any mother who puts her child into daycare has not bonded properly? I think not. And where are fathers in this equation? Why are mothers always the scapegoats here? Perhaps if a father bonded more with his child by staying home (and staying married), we’d have less juvenile delinquents. (Yes, I’m being sarcastic)
Annelise, honey,
What part of “stick the child in a day orphanage/baby farm unless it’s absolutely financially necessary” is not trollish? Especially since you have used this exact statement before in previous threads and seemed to relish the argument that came from it. That’s the DEFINITION of troll. Now you’re demanding an apology, presumably to increase arguments and divisiveness. Again, definition of troll. Yes, I know I shouldn’t feed the troll, but I also don’t like the way letting comments like yours stand makes working mothers feel guilty when they have NO REASON to feel guilty.
The argument that sending a kid to daycare keeps kids from bonding is stupid, ridiculous, and without any scientific foundation. I strongly suggest you read Our Babies, Ourselves for the research. It’s by an anthropologist and has plenty of stuff on “bonding” and child-rearing. Not that that is going to make a difference, since you’re just a troll.
The argument that ‘In your need to keep your children out of a “day orphanage/baby farm” your children were not able to actually get all the attention that they need. They spent more time sleeping and less time interacting than is needed for proper stimulation and bonding,’ is also a stupid argument, even though it is one that could be made with the same justification.
For less judgmental parents, I say that most parents do what works for their own families. Kids are resilient and flexible. They get a lot out of multiple care providers, they get a lot out of spending time with parents.
Though kids can get kind of nasty things out of spending 100% of their time with judgmental parents, as I witnessed this weekend at my cousin’s wedding– his parents refused to attend or let his sibling attend because he was marrying in the Lutheran church rather than Catholic. He recently got hit by a roadside bomb while serving in Afghanistan too. Somehow he turned out ok, even with the judgmental parents, and we have hope for one of his sisters as well. The mom also gave me a lecture about “baby farming” *at my grandmother’s funeral* a couple of years ago, although my son was obviously much better behaved than her grandkids, and was obviously deeply bonded with his daddy. Also at the funeral one of her teenage daughters kept sneaking outside to smoke weed and cigarettes, but although she seemed to want to be caught, her parents, including her judgmental SAHM, turned a blind eye. The rest of us, with our high-powered professional mothers, who attended daycare etc, seem to have turned out fine without drug, emotional etc. problems. It’s sad, really. I hope you’re not doing that to your kids with your “one way.”
Nicole, I’ve just read your reply and you keep calling me names – please stop it. YOU are being the troll here – you posted a dismissive and provocative response (“Meh”) to Tyler Karaszewski’s comment and you have proceeded to get into an unnecessary debate with me, using personal attacks. Your claim that I’ve made numerous other comments on the issue of daycare is also false (I’ve made only one, on one other article, because I feel strongly about its effect on children and because it has financial repercussions). And the term “day orphanage” is not mine – it is used by childcare experts such as Dr Laura. Please leave me alone.
Since when has Dr. Laura been a child expert? (Her doctorate is in physiology and her dissertation was on rats.)
http://www.nndb.com/people/427/000022361/
Personally I wouldn’t want to follow any of her advice given how well that’s worked out for her… in addition to it being pretty stupid and designed for the main purpose of making money for her, something she does very well. Which is kind of ironic for someone who preaches that women should stay in the home and be submissive to their husbands.
And just because some ideologue uses a ridiculous phrase doesn’t mean you have to keep parroting it. Once you use it in all seriousness you make it yours. Just because you didn’t invent it doesn’t make it any less offensive.
I called you a troll, I didn’t call you stupid. There’s differences between calling someone stupid and saying that their arguments are stupid. It is important to be able to differentiate the two… or you’re just going to spend your life feeling awfully stupid.
But go ahead and play the victim. You’re attempting to hurt people every time you say that daycares are baby farms or day orphanages. If people saying that’s ridiculous makes you into a victim, well, so be it. Feel like a victim. You have my blessing.
Just note that if you stop saying such stupid things, people will stop calling you on them. And the world will be a much better place.
Excuse me? How can you even begin to speak for “most mothers?”
Fine. Most new mothers I (or my wife) have ever talked to.
Even if most “new mothers” you know felt that way, how did they feel after 2 years or 3 years? Still thrilled to stay at home all day watching the kid?
Everyone’s different, and there’re PLENTY of mothers who don’t want to stay at home, even if it would save them money.
Duh. This argument has been argued many, many a time.
One of the biggest secrets about kids is that they don’t have to cost a lot.
Daycare is probably the biggest cost (along with health insurance), so for us, having at least one parent at home with our child was the main goal we were striving for before having children.
As it turns out, we were both able to stay home with our child. This was a goal that helped us stay frugal through our 20s so that we’d have saved enough money to be able to accomplish this. When you weigh the costs of anything to the future cost of being able to be with your child, it becomes a pretty easy choice.
We have a 5-year old and spend very little for this extra person in our house. We used cloth diapers, don’t buy many toys (he gets plenty from family anyway), spend a lot of time outdoors, visit the library, buy used or borrow from other parents, re-sell items when we’re done with them, bike around town, play with stuff around the house (which kids prefer anyway), and give him a lot of our time.
As a result, he’s learned that things are not important and he spends far more time creating than playing with a bunch of plastic toys that end up breaking anyway. Teaching my child about the environment and how our actions impact the Earth is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. As I learn, he learns, and kids understand this stuff intuitively at a deeper level. He teaches me things every day. Kids don’t need expensive toys or lessons. They are natural explorers, creators, and lovers of nature. They thrive on this and giving them too much may actually stifle their imagination and creativity.
Babies and kids are big business. You can buy an infinite number of products for your kids that they apparently “need”. The truth is that they need very little.
So, how much money do you need before having kids? I think the answer is to be able to have at least one parent at home (or close relative) to save on daycare expenses, if possible, and being open minded enough to know that you and your kids don’t need things to be happy. That time with your kids is the greatest gift you can give them.
JD- For a non-parent, you nailed it with this statement!
“I think the time and attention you spend on your children matters a hell of a lot more than the money you spend on them. The money you spend is irrelevant. Your kids don’t give a fig if you’re dressing them in the latest fashions or buying fancy toys or sending them to the best schools. They’d be just as happy wearing hand-me-downs and playing with a ball and a stick. I’m not kidding. What they want most is attention and affirmation from their parents.”
Until they’re about eight. Then all that matters a lot.
It is true – if you wait until you can afford them you never will have kids!!! You make yourself afford them even if that means giving up things for yourself. And what kids want versus what kids need comes from you – what you teach them. Kids don’t NEED new clothes or new cribs or new anything and parents who think their children will be missing out without these things need a serious re-evaluation.
When I was pregnant I bought everything that our son needed secondhand including his crib and mattress. And most of it was next to free as nobody else wanted the barely used items that I happily picked up and lovingly prepared and “made new” for our son. We experienced the same thing when it came time for us to get rid of the baby stuff, nobody wanted it because it wasn’t new. We couldn’t even give it away to anyone who was pregnant and donated it instead.
And if Andi is thinking about staying home and starting a freelance career, what better time to have a child. Think how wonderful it will be to actually be at home and not have to use daycare. That is a HUGE savings.
There’s never a right time to have children. It’s important to remember that your fertility window decreases with age and if you delay too long– you might run into some problems conceiving. Fertility treatments (IUI and IVF) are also not covered by many insurance policies and can cost anywhere from $3500 to $15000 depending on your situation. I know this because we made the mistake of waiting too long to get our financial house in order before trying for children and now have to undergo fertility treatments.
I think more than money, one must consider energy. I had kids when I was 30, 32, and 36; my husband is five years older, so he was 35, 37, and 41. We found that it’s not having babies in your thirties that does you in, it’s having teenagers in your fifties. Also, it’s not fun to be looking at retirement while still contemplating your kids’ student loans — or in our case, one child who is strolling through college.
It’s also important to remember that each child will be an individual and that what one will see as a deprivation another will see as a benefit. For instance, with our oldest, we were very poor, having experienced a loss of one income, a move across country, buying a car, and a 10% income decrease in the employment contract (long story). We could not afford coloring books, so my husband brought home computer printouts for her to draw on the reverse. She became a graphic novelist in her adult life, because she grew up telling stories and illustrating them.
The bottom line is, children will key off your reactions and values. If you are happy, they will be too.
Though I don’t have children of my own, I was a former child at one time so I can speak from that experience. 😉 We never had “fancy” clothes (whatever that means), expensive toys, video games were still a rarity and only “rich kids” had computers; I still typed my school reports on vintage typewriters though high school graduation in 1996. With that said, I remember me and my brother still being fairly expensive growing up.
I had the tendency to get ear infections and strep throat time and again when I started nursery school and beyond. Both my parents worked though registries in the medical field so there was no health insurance at the time. Constant doctor appointments and trips to the pharmacy added up. Not to mention time off work. I had a double hernia repair operation when I was 8 that could have cost over $25K if it wasn’t for doctor offering to “donate” his services to my family and the anesthesiologist giving us a discount because my mother worked at the same hospital I had the surgery in. They still had to pay for the hospital expenses that was still significant.
There were many, many unexpected expenses, both medical and non medical that were urgent and necessary.
I never understood the laissez faire attitude some people have when it comes to raising kids. Its not about the clothes or the toys – life is expensive enough.
Spoken like a true non-parent! I don’t mean to offend, but like anything difficult in life, you don’t know how much an experience is worth till until you go through it. Do your parents regret having you? Do they regret the sacrifices they made for your health? Of course not! Most parents live on “faith and a prayer,” whether they have money or not. Life is scary; things happen. When you’re not exactly sure how life will work out, you just have to have faith that it will. There are some “angels” out there willing to help (like the doctor and anesthesiologist) to get us through difficult times.
So I’m not allowed to express my opinion just because I don’t have *direct* parenting experience? Just as JD wrote the post as a non-parent, I’m allowed to express my opinion too. You can agree or disagree.
Having had a stillbirth, I DO understand when things don’t work out, and for the record, my dad DID regret having me. Thankfully I do have a loving, caring mother.
Tonya’s just being horrid. Ignore her.
I had my first child when my husband had a year of undergrad left to do and my second child when he had half of law school left to complete. I worked full-time after the first and at home part-time after the second until he was finally done with school. By the time the third came around and we finally had money, I couldn’t see any point in buying the fancy layettes and cribs and decorating the nursery like most people did. My first two didn’t care at all what their “nursery” looked like (it doubled as a computer room for the first, and the second shared a room with his sister). You do what you have to, and you guys are in a TON better financial situation than most people having their first kids. Fertility is also an issue; I was able to have two in my mid-20s very easily but had to go through a year of infertility treatment to get my third. But insurance IS a must. You can’t assume that your health will hold out for 9 months so you can work, but for 95% of women, it does. My friend made it to 8 months pregnant with twins while teaching junior high school (then another month into summer), so anything is possible. Make contingency plans, but (just like life), anything can happen. If you’re uncomfortable about the life plans, wait 6 months or a year (keeping in mind that you *should* have 6-9 months of healthy pregnancy added to that time). I’m really impressed at J.D.’s perspective considering they chose not to have kids. Kids need love, not stuff.
Hi, My son is 9 months old, I´m 28 years now. Perhaps this an give me some authority to express my opinion. I think that what matters the most as J.D. expressed in the article is what you do think your kids need. But most important, what you think your kids deserve. It was a real big struggle to get my wife into focusing that buying the most expensive clothes is not a sign that you love him a lot.
In my case, I buy middle priced diapers, second hand strollers and car seats (good condition, and from people I Know) , new clothes from costco and have the discipline to make his own home-made food.
Actual cost? around 30 to 50% less than friends who have small kids. Also, we have invested time and effort so our kid doesn’t get sick.
Perhaps the most important lesson learnt in IMHO is that it is never the right time to have a kid, and you surely get out of your comfort zone, but once you receive a little smile from your son, all of that is just worth it.
Money or earnings is just one of the elements necessary to have kids. My wife and I had children after 5 years of marriage. We were ready to have an addition to the family financially, psychologically and could provide a stable home. My take on being ready to have kids is more than money. I also feel that bringing up kids requires more than money. With marriages breaking up 50% of the time, I think stability is very important.
I really like this comment, although it’s a bit scary to see that a mention of family stability as a key element stated so far down in the comments. Many parents do split up, and at that point the importance of the affordability of diapers and infant daycare and other early childhood costs is absolutely dwarfed by the importance of the net results of all the earning and spending and marriage decisions made by both parents over the years. Taking one household with two parents cooperating to raise the kids and dividing into two households with parents who are less than cooperative can add all kinds of costs. I think it’s particularly important for women to think about this, because they are usually the ones whose earning power takes a big hit after having kids. Having the kids go from middle class neighborhoods and schools to poorer ones all while dealing with the loss of their two parent family adds all sorts of stress for the kids that they may never completely recover from.
So I would add that in addition to thinking about the costs of having kids and how you will meet these, it’s also really important to think through your reasons for having kids, and most especially, talk with your spouse about his reasons. I know folks of both sexes (but mostly men) who had children because their spouse wanted them and it was the thing to do (bio clocks ticking!), who later decided they really didn’t want kids after all. This is devastating for the kids, who start to figure out their unwantedness real quick even if the departing parent doesn’t come right out and tell their kids they don’t want them any more (yes there are really people out there who do this). So I would say that the most important thing to provide for children is a set of loving parents, and if at all possible, a larger community of people who love them who aren’t their parents but who are there for them nonetheless.
A lot of people point to the more obvious set-up costs of a new baby: diapers, food (formula or breastpump purchase/rental, more food for a nursing mother), clothing, nursery, childcare. But there are a lot of other changes to your budget: Life insurance policy to cover both parents, not tied to employment. Groceries once the child eats solid food. Higher utility bills, particularly if one parent is at home with children — you can’t just tell a baby to put on a sweater and suck it up. Our electric bill has more than doubled in the 3 years since we had our twins. Wear and tear on the house, especially appliances (our high-efficiency Kenmore washer only lasted 7 years and we’ve had several repairs to the dryer; the high cotton content of children’s clothing can be brutal on dryers). Copays for all the well-baby checkups in the first year or two, even for healthy children.
There are a lot of small things that add up, too: buying different sippy cups until you find one that works. Laundry and household cleaning supplies. New clothes for the mom if her body shape or shoe size has changed with pregnancy, as very often happens, even if you’ve lost the baby weight. Higher fuel costs for more frequent visits to relatives. Maybe you’ll join a church or synagogue or make a greater effort to be part of a faith-based community — church donations are another item in a family budget.
The books “The Two-Income Trap” by Elizabeth Warren and “The Price of Motherhood” by Ann Crittenden are excellent in their discussion of personal and family finance.
Andi, you sound like a good saver; I think you can afford to have and raise a child. And you seem responsible in other ways. Ambivalence does not preclude excitement. So my main concern is that you may be taking too much on your shoulders by moving to a new city, away from your own family, with your husband’s uncertain employment and probably uncertain health insurance, and planning to supplement your household income with freelance work. I’m a SAHM of twin toddlers and a freelance editor. There are only so many hours in the day, and often you will have more work than you can accomplish while the child is sleeping. You’ll need childcare help. You’ll need a sense of community. Work on building your community while you’re working toward a baby — just not in the same place and time, LOL. Keep your fixed costs low. Don’t buy more house than you can afford. Keep track of your health insurance’s coverage for general obstetrical care as well as worst-case scenarios.
And good luck! : )
This is from my perspective after 31 years of marriage and 29 year old and 25 year old sons:
My husband and I had our boys in our early 20s.We both had good jobs, good health insurance and no debt. We were young enough to keep up with the kids- coach teams, stay up with sick ones all night and then drag into work, help out at the school and chaperone field trips. We didn’t buy all the hottest toys or clothes and swapped clothes with the cousins who lived nearby. We did a LOT of camping vacations! I cooked all the meals- we rarely went out except for pizza with all the neighbors once in a while. ( I love to cook, by the way!) We didn’t do daycare-we both worked shift work for the first 15 years; the grandparents and aunts & uncles helped out when the boys were little, and then when they were older, we had an au pair live with us. By then, we had much better paying jobs and did more travel/camping and skiing vacations. We spent a lot of our income on private school. When the oldest started junior high, I quit my job and worked part time at a local Church in order to be home more with the boys and their friends after school. My husband took a pay cut to work a 4/10 day shift only. We were very involved with the boys activities and interests in high school sports, drama, music and Church.
Our boys are both grown up now- the oldest is married, debt free, owns a home and has a great job…he’s about to graduate with an advanced degree, debt free (his wife has her Masters and is also debt free). The youngest is on his own, has a great job and is debt free after helping to pay for state school by working a couple of jobs. It can be done! I’m glad we had our children young, but we did have good, secure jobs with great benefits and lots of extended family support.
It sounds like you’re doing great with your finances and there are great suggestions here.
I agree with the general train of thought- line up your health insurance and go for it! The timing is never “perfect” but once that little one comes into your lives, you’ll be so thankful that you didn’t wait and wait. I live in a city where people wait a long time for children- late 30s/early 40s is typical- and know many people who have fertility issues as a result. Now THAT’S expensive! Both my husband and I try to be frugal, are both in careers where we don’t have a TON of security (meaning that we are independent contractors with our own businesses), and we decided that a good way to cover the health insurance issue was to join an HMO. I’m on that plan with our baby and my husband is on a different PPO plan. We pay for individual plans- again, since we’re independent contractors, we take care of this ourselves. It’s not cheap but I like the idea of an HMO because I don’t like medical surprises. I want to be covered. When our baby was a late-term preemie, what would have cost us our downpayment fund with hospital bills instead was a total bill of $800 ($200/day). That’s certainly doable for a week in the NICU.
So, before you have the baby, work like crazy and save up as much as you can- but go for it!
Good luck!
Not that the current method was mentioned, but I recommend that until you decide, start using Natural Family Planning as your birth control method. This way you will become very familiar with when you are and are not fertile, and it will allow your body time to recover from any previous birth control method you were using. You can buy a $500* computer/alarm clock (LadyComp) for an effectiveness rating equal to that of the pill, or you can just use the old fashioned method of counting days and observing your body. My husband and I used this for a couple of years and when we decided to get pregnant, my body had been on a natural rhythm for two years and I knew exactly when I was ovulating.
Some ways to cut the cost of raising children are to plan on breastfeeding,** plan on buying clothes and other gear from consignment sales, plan on having a smaller house. People think they need a bedroom for each child, one for themselves, and one for an office or guest room. Well, you don’t! Your kids can share a room. It builds character. 🙂 This can also help you to afford a house or apartment in a good school district, if you are willing to look for something small. And that basically covers all the big costs. Except for health insurance, which many others mentioned. You may want to check now and see if you would qualify for children’s medicare (CHIP program) in the state where you are moving. Also, see if there is a public health clinic where you’re moving. You can get your child’s check-ups and immunization shots there for free or greatly reduced price.
*With a 2-year warranty, this price is comparable to paying $20 a month for the pill for 2 years.
**Even if you find it absolutely impossible to breastfeed, you can bottle-feed your pumped milk and still save a fortune.
Personal anecdote: Growing up, I wanted to wear store-bought clothes, not handmade clothes. I wanted a cabbage patch kid, not a handmade doll. I wanted my own bedroom, not to share one with my sister. But looking back, those are my fondest memories. I had no idea that we had no health insurance, and my parents had no retirement savings. I had a happy childhood.
I have 2 young kids (6 and 2) and I think the most money you will need to spend is in daycare. If you are going to stay home with the baby, there is the concern of surviving on one income, which can be done if the income is sufficient. Otherwise, you have to pay for care and you need to find the best care for the dollar. I live in the Boston area which is not cheap. I paid $1600/mo for my daughter when she was infant to be in M-F 8am-5:30pm care. It gets cheaper as they get older. Right now I pay $2k/month for their care (daycare for my toddler, after school care for my son). In the summer, when my son doesn’t have school, I have to pay $1k month for him just for camp which is essentially daycare for older kids.
Baby equipment is not expensive – you can get used cribs, changing tables, toys, and clothes cheaply on craigslist or resale stores. I buy most of my kids clothing from garage sales, thrift stores, and using Thredup.com.
When it comes down to is, the only real solid cost I would think you need to consider is daycare if you need to work to make ends meet. Can you afford to pay @$1kish a month for this? If not, and if you can’t stay home and live off of one income, then I suggest waiting until you can.
OP,
I have two kids, three and one. I’m the primary breadwinner and my husband runs a sole proprietorship with a cyclical workload. Frankly, I don’t love being a parent but having children was very important to my husband so we structured our family roles accordingly.
We live in a large urban area near family that has been invaluable in providing free/low-cost care to supplement the paid childcare we have in place.
We have health coverage (PPO) via my employer. I paid co-insurance during my pre-natal visits and haven’t seen a single bill from either delivery.
To date, all of the well and sick child visits have been completely covered as well. We are fortunate in that regard.
Now three years into parenthood, here are some of the things we would’ve done differently with respect to expenses:
1. Plan for respite care for the at-home or flexibly scheduled parent.
There were dog-days in winter when my husband and daughter just needed a break from one another.
2. Check out day care options in the locale where you’ll be living.
Most center-based day cares in my locale DO NOT provide care for children less than one year of age. In addition, pre-schools move to a schedule that more closely follows that of elementary schools (8:30 am — 3PM). If both of you are working, you may need to budget for a caregiver to pick up and watch your child until one of you are available to take over.
3. Check out school options in your target locale.
This is where we fell down. We live in a well-regarded neighborhood with many fine public school options. However our zoned school is piss poor in comparison to nearby schools. We’re locked into our current location for family reasons and are now struggling w/ the decision on private vs. public pre-school for our daughter. While there’s no guarantee a strong school will stay strong forever, it has a better chance of attracting families, administrators and teachers willing to invest in the school and its pupils.
4. Add fun money to the budget.
My husband found there were only so many park trips he could stand. So we added funds for museum trips, YMCA membership (they have members-only play times), etc to our budget so he could add some variety to the daily routine.
5. Plan for the time when the at home parent wants to return to full-time work.
My husband trying to ramp up his work schedule and add new clients. This requires care for my youngest while he works. We didn’t budget enough for this and are now cobbling together care and he’s had to delay his plans. That’s a large source of frustration for both of us.
“Frankly, I don’t love being a parent but having children was very important to my husband so we structured our family roles accordingly.”
That comment worries me. Did you have kids just for your husbands sake? Not a good way to start a family partnership…
I thought it was refreshingly honest. You can love your kids and still not love being a parent.
i agree and feel the same way. i love my son, but being a parent is not my favorite job.
My dear Andi – if you and your husband want kids, by all means go for it! I won’t say that the money will work itself out becuase that’s not true, but kids’ expenses are easier to work into the plan if you already have good PF habits. Let me tell you that there is *never* enough money – kids are expensive! But the good news is that there are so many ways to do it frugally and it sounds like you already have frugal habits in place. (good for you!) Preowned stuff is parenting gold! As long as it’s not a safety hazard (check for recalls, etc), you can get most of what you need from rummage sales, resale shops and your friends. Believe me when I tell you that your friends will be THRILLED for their outgrown kids stuff to find a new home. Ebay is a great source for maternity clothes. If you’re pursuing a freelance career, that will give you a great deal of work flexibility and your daycare cost may not be as onerous as you think. If your husband’s job offers a dependent care FSA – do it! And as others have said, don’t wait for the “right time” as it probably doesn’t exist. It would be so heartbreaking to wait 5 years only to discover fertility or health issues and then you’re waiting even longer -if not forever. Bottom line: if you have good money habits now, kids will fit into that plan. Best of luck to you!! 🙂
I’m also reading _The Two-income Trap_, and one thing that’s hitting home right now is the cost of living in a good school district.
We’re moving to a more expensive city, and I’m struggling to find somewhere affordable to live in a decent school district. By “decent” I don’t mean excellent, I mean a safe school where the entire student body isn’t considered “transient” and “at risk”. If I didn’t have a child in school we could easily find a decent, affordable house.
We were $30,000 in consumer/student loan debt when my daughter was born, and paid it off by the time she was 3 1/2. But we were lucky not to have to pay for childcare, and we’re Canadian so no health care costs, year long paid maternity leave, and the government sends $100 a month until the child starts school. I’m not recommending this as a strategy, it’s just what we did.
I’ve known some mothers who have been able to work from home and take care of children at the same time, but I found it impossible with my daughter. It’s a bit hard to concentrate when your baby tends to wrap her arms around the computer screen and scream when you sit down at the computer. Also, she slept a couple hours less than average and tended to nap when we went out for walks or errands instead of at home.
I do find it hard to balance personal ambitions and having a child, mainly because I only have so much emotional energy. However, now that my daughter is older, I find I’m able to focus more on what I want for myself. Not sure if that answers the original poster’s question, just my experience.
If you feel emotionally ready- do it now. Money can always be made- but time cannot be bought. It is easier to concieve now than waiting, and you will have more energy than if you wait. I have 2 kids who are 7 and 9- I had them when I was 35 and 36. Timing was good- but if I could do it again- I would have been closer to 30. There is no perfect time to have kids- and they will not care what they ‘have’ as long as they have you.
After spending years listening to Dave Ramsey, I would suggest that Andi bite the bullet and work at the full time drudge job until they have paid off all their debt and have 6 months expenses saved as an emergency fund. It doesn’t sound like she would have to work too long to achieve these goals and financially, they would be in a great position to step their income down. They would also have a pretty good idea of the stability of her husband’s job by then too.
*Advice offered by someone who is choosing not to have children but has worked extensively with kids (and their parents) for over 20 years.
With a healthy emergency fund, managable mortgage/rent, health and life insurance, you are ready. If you “wait until you could afford them” you will never have them. We were stuck with two mortgages and kept saying “after the other house sells, we’ll have kids.” Then we realized our house might never sell so we went ahead and got pregnant anyway. As long as you are frugal and creative, you will manage. Just make sure to budget TIME above all else.
We are having our 3rd child in one month. I left my very good paying job to stay home when the second was born because we had healthy retirement accounts, a 6 month emergency fund, and my husband’s job was very secure and provided good benefits. Yes, we had to scale back on eating out, vacations, etc. But it has been worth it. Having no debt but a small mortgage ($115K), an emergency fund, and life and health insurance has made it possible for us to live on $75K/year with the 3rd child coming.
Hi Andi,
Others may have mentined this (I didn’t have time to read all comments), but I think going into freelance/pt work is actually a great time to be home during the first few years, from a financial standpoint. Our biggest expense by FAR for our two kids was daycare ($1,600 p/ month in New England). I took a part time position that I could do primarily at home and stayed home just to save money for a year. If you’re planning on doing this anyway, it seems like good timing.
I’ll also echo some other sentiments that there’s no “good time” – you just make it work 🙂
Good luck!
I do not have kids — I am happily childfree by choice — but, of course, most of my friends DO have kids. One couple I know, in particular, have commented, unprompted, on several occasions, that the expenses for their daughter just got absorbed naturally into their budget. Granted, they have healthcare from work, so do not need to buy extra, so that is often a leg up (recent recalculations to how poverty is assessed are giving healthcare costs greater weight in determining how poor or not poor a household is). But, otherwise, this couple are solidly middle class, plan to send their kid to private school and seem to just be letting the finances work themselves out. It still pleasantly surprises me. I think the biggest factor in having kids really rests on how actively the couple reprioritizes their life and finances. With children come changes; if you can’t adapt for the challenge (which is why I’m not having kids, I don’t want to change anything in my life) don’t do it.
If you plan to put the kid in daycare, you’d better have an extra +$1500/month in cash flow. Well, I guess it depends on what part of the country you live in. See how much day care cost. That’s the biggest expense in the first year. After that, I think $200/m is plenty to cover the first year.
One thing to remember about health costs — they can be negotiable. When our oldest was born we were living in a very wealthy area, but were just out of graduate school and living well below our means to pay off student loans, which included not having a car. Our gynecologist was disconcerted by this and waived his fee above the insurance coverage — we didn’t ask him to do so; he just did it on his own. I have never forgotten his kindness.
I read a great book called Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes (http://radicalhomemakers.com/) where she explores the DIY/frugal/homesteading movement and interviews different people living those sorts of lives. While income varied, she found that in general individuals or couples were able to live on $20,000, and anyone (kids) after that added another $10,000 to that. This is if you are living a life where you are replacing many things you would normally buy with things made by you (growing food, sewing clothes, building/fixing your own home), which is why they are able to live on a relatively low salary.
While I think that a lot of people here have a great point in that at some point you have to stop waiting for that perfect time, it might be worth checking out that book.
My husband and I are working on the “dream job” stuff while having children at the same time. It is not easy, my husband works 45 or 50 hours a week, comes home, spends time with the family, and then is up late almost every night working on his startup. I stay at home and steal odd moments here and there as I can to work on my own projects.
But (!!!) becoming parents has really helped us mature, and also to focus intensely on what we really want to do. I’m as productive now, personally, as I was before I had children. I don’t have a predictable work schedule (for example, the baby just woke up…), but I keep bashing away at tasks as I can, and things do get done. My husband now has a lot more motivation to get off his butt and make products out of his ideas. As one author (can’t remember who) put it, it’s not just that the parents raise the baby, but that the baby raises the parents as well.
Someone above pointed out that scaling your lifestyle down to what you can afford on a single income will give you a lot more flexibility in how you manage careers and family. We have always done that, and I’m very grateful now, as we have a family of five living on essentially the same income I had living alone, just before I got married. We’ve worked very hard to increase our frugal-fu, and it is paying off now.
We didn’t have all our student loans paid off before we had kids, and actually my husband had been unemployed for about nine months when we started trying for our first. (He found his current job about a month later.)
I think freelance writing can go very well with having a baby. I wrote an entire book after my second child was born, typing one-handed while I breastfed him. The hard part is that solitude becomes very, very scarce with young children around.
There are always tradeoffs: I gave up my cushy job, we’ve deferred buying a house, everyone around us seems to be so much richer and better-rested.
I don’t agree the popular notion that there’s never a perfect time to have kids. I think it is possible to plan (knowing that things don’t always go as planned). We had our first baby at 30 (he’s 33) after we both finished school, paid off our loans, got a good start on retirement savings, and launched our careers so that we can now afford a nanny and to contribute significantly to our baby’s 529 plan. And because we have a nanny who takes care of house cleaning, we can spend quality time with our baby when we’re not working. So far it is working perfect for us and I believe that other people who plan appropriately for their situations also benefit?
I think it’s a good lesson to get all your ducks in a row young whether you want kids or not. That way when you get baby fever you don’t have to worry about money vs. fertility. We also got rid of our loans and finished our education etc, but not in order to have kids, just because I hate debt and love security. It sure was nice to have all of that and to be able to afford household help etc. when we were ready and able.
First I would like to say every year after you turn thirty your chances of getting pregnant go down significantly. So even if you think you need to be saving more before you have kids you may just end up using that money for fertility treatments if you really do want kids. Second you really don’t need much money to have kids, as long as you have health insurance. It is just pure ignorance to buy a bunch of new “stuff” for babies and toddlers, there is a glutony of clothing, toys and anything else your child could ever need available by borrowing, buying used or checking craigs list. Third, as a daycare provider who makes a living from other parents working I think it is the worst attitude ever to say that “I am a better parent if I am away from my children to work”. You should be raising your own children, not someone else. If you don’t plan on taking care of your own kids all the time what is the point of having them. I know that is harsh but I see first hand how people justify spending so much time away from their children. I think our juvenile detention centers and jails would be empty if a parent stayed home to take care of their kids!
So you’re opposed to sending your kids to school, right? And does this apply to both parents? Who is supposed to support the family if the parents are taking care of the kids? I suspect that you think your parenting rules probably only apply to women.
Also, please show us some data linking working parents and juvenile delinquency. I’m sure everyone would be interested to see it.
Soooooo…you’re enabling all these horrible parents by letting them dump their future criminal children on you all day? I see…
On a related note, I’m surprised how many people have unequivocally touted a parent staying home as a cost savings measure. Even if you allow a generous $2K a month for day care, and a generous 50% for taxes and expenses, you’re still losing more money if the stay-at-home parent was making more than $50K a year (and that’s before you factor in future lowered earnings, retirement and benefits). Make the choice that’s right for you personally, but everything has a cost.
We didn’t wait until we had a certain amount in the bank before we had kids. Kids require both money and energy, and if you wait until you have “enough” money, you’ll just have spent all your energy.
The two things we did do is (a) reduce our spending until we were living on one income so, if need be, one of us could stay home with the kids, and (b) wait until we had a reliable income (which for us included health insurance).
My suggestion for the happy couple is that they read “Two-Income Trap” to get an idea of how wants become needs when you’re trying to provide the best housing/school/tutoring for your kids; and, also, to think about how they’ll structure their household budget, how strongly they’ll rely on the second income, esp when both are seemingly below-maximum or flowing in inconsistently.
Good luck!
I agree with many other posts. Especially about the health insurance. I had a 32 week preemie that would’ve run a $200K bill…we never could have prepared or saved for that.
When I was in my early twenties, I would say that I had to have a net worth of $1M before I had kids. No, we didn’t make it to the goal, but it was a good one to have because we saved my entire paycheck and and a good deal of my spouse’s trying to get there.
If the insurance is lined up, I would say that you need to have a 6 month emergency fund, be able to live on one salary (just in case one of you wants to stay home) and have a way to continue funding your retirements and contribute at least $250 per month per child for college costs from the first day they are born.
Yes, I know this sounds very Malthusian. It’s an ideal and not necessarily a reality for many/most. And our reality was that because we worked toward it for ten years. It makes for a very nice life.
I think the big question is: can you have kids and still be financially stable?
I don’t think kids need most of the “stuff” we bought them. I grew up without a lot of stuff (no cable TV, no internet, crappy car, not a lot of toys, etc). We just couldn’t afford it. I never missed it.
However, I think what bothered me most about having a poor family when I was young was the lack of financial stability. If our car broke down, we wouldn’t necessarily have the money to fix it. If one of us got sick, we wouldn’t always have money for doctor’s visits and medication. That was more stressful than the lack of stuff.
That said, I think there were positive things to be said about even that. I learned to value stability from not having it, which is why I try to save even though my income is teeny. I valued my education in part because it was not guaranteed to me- I had to work for the scholarships to go to college. I have a deep appreciation for health insurance. Without that experience as a kid, I don’t know if I’d appreciate those things as much.
I think in the end, there is no perfect family situation and any family can make their situation work if they try hard enough. But if/when I have kids, I will want the basics for stability: stable health insurance, an emergency fund, decent retirement savings, enough money for a house (even if it’s tiny), and a little college savings (even if it won’t pay for the whole thing). Everything else is nice, but it’s extra.
“However, I think what bothered me most about having a poor family when I was young was the lack of financial stability. If our car broke down, we wouldn’t necessarily have the money to fix it. If one of us got sick, we wouldn’t always have money for doctor’s visits and medication. That was more stressful than the lack of stuff.”
Story of my life.
I’d say wait a year to get a feel for your new jobs, then go for it! There seems to be a general feeling that kids need:
-prenatal, during birth, and post-natal care
-good health coverage
-nutritious food
-a roof over their heads
-good education
-someone to take care of them, whether daycare or family or something else
…with no worries that any of those things aren’t going to be provided. If you have the finances to do that, you’re solid.
One more note about daycare v. stay at home parenting: I worked at various daycares for 4 years or so. Kids that were at daycare starting around 1 year old generally seemed better socialized to me- more able to articulate their needs and wants, more able to take care of themselves, and better able to play well with others. Daycare can teach kids to interact well with other kids and adults. (That said, there are bad ones out there. I would seriously suggest planning to spend a month volunteering at any daycare you want your kids in with no hint that you’re a prospective parent. I wish I were joking.)
What a great question! I can relate in wanting what’s best for your kids and your family’s future. We had our kids close together when my husband and I finished grad school and he got a full time job with health insurance. We had student loan debt and a tiny apartment. It has worked out great. Right now I stay home with our kids and work part time (which is a great break for me from the “mom” job). When my kids are in school full time I will work full time.
The circumstnaces will never be “perfect” but they are often perfect enough (two loving parents, health insurance is a must). My sister works at a fertility clinic and every single day sees stories of people who kept waiting for the perfect circumstances until it was too late.
Children are life’s most rewarding challenges 🙂 They are more than worth some sacrifice.
Obviously this is an important topic to many people based on the response you’ve received. My parents always said that having another kid meant putting another cup of water in the soup. Now that is a bit naive but the simplicity of it makes sense. Their experience was to ensure that they met the needs of their family and needs are very different than wants. As a family of 6 we didn’t get everything we wanted but we got exactly what we needed. It wasn’t often that there were seconds at meal time but we didn’t need seconds. Clothing was on an as needed basis with special occassions getting a new outfit (start of school, religious ceremonies) and eating out/treats were a once in awhile to do. Our family made what we had work. We lived within our means and with that at an early age learned the difference between wants/needs. We all got jobs early to subsidize these wants 🙂 and now in adult life we live on a budget… some of us learned that lesson a harder way than others. You can hear more about that story by reaching out.
Hey that sounds like the story of my childhood. Raised by very frugal parents and when we got the bag of hand me down clothes from relatives it was like Christmas. I grew up on a farm and was working summers, weekends and after school by 6th grade. We were not poor but we learned that money was not be be wasted. And as my Dad was fond of reminding us, “if you like to eat you have to work.” I think one of greatest lessons you can teach children is being able to separate wants from needs.
My only question is, WHAT are your savings being saved FOR?
Is it a security blanket, to support you should either of you lose your jobs?
Is it for a down payment on a house?
Is it for something specific?
It’s a good size savings, and if it’s not for anything above, (some of) it could be used to support your kids.
Also important to note, (and i haven’t read all the comments, so forgive me if it’s been said), regardless of luxuries like expensive toys and clothes kids can live without, kids need to eat. Kids cost a lot to feed.
I must also disclose that I’m young (21), with no kids.
There is never a perfect time to have a child, in my opinion. I have not had kids yet so I am speaking with no experience, but I also believe you can’t predict how much money you will need for a particular child. Some kids will require much more attention than others and costing more money as well. Disabilities can play a big factor.
I think Andi and her husband are in pretty great financial shape; much better than a lot of unfortunate people in this world. Some close ones that I know are in still in thousands of dollars in student loan debt and she is pregnant. There just never is a perfect time to have a child and I can only imagine how enchanting the experience really is.
I think love time and comittment to the children are important but you can’t just eliminate costs either. Babies go through diapers faster than you can say “I love you” 50 times in one day. To care for your children adaquately, I do feel you need to have funds available to do so.
I also think this is a great question. That being said, my wife and I were older when we had our daughter and my wife was a big saver before I met her so she had some money already. So that being said, my wife also spent a lot of time before our daughter was born researching a lot of things, and we spent something along of a 1/3 of what was the “recommended” budget for a new baby (we also bought most stuff new). I think it is more important to spend quality time with your children more than the amount of money you spend on them. That being said, HOW you spend the money, I think, is also more important than how much you spend too.
Hello,
Congratulations on reading this far down the comment list!
My wife and I have a girl 2.8 years and a boy 0.2 years.
We made the commitment before we got married even to have one of us (currently my wife, and although it is unlikely to change could) staying home with the kids. I will not go into the reasons now, but that choice did limit us to one income and we planned accordingly, it is something important to think about. And remember that even if you want to both work, there is a lot of time that the mom needs off at first, not to mention you might change you minds on working or not working. I suggest you be ready to make the transition to one income either way.
We have ~15k in student loans and 5k in retirement, and about a 2k emergency fund. Take home pay is ~2500 a month. We do live in an area with a low cost of living, and this is enough for us, although we are currently cutting it closer than I would like with recent cost increases.
I would suggest you also think about kids in the way that you have obviously done about retirement. For a minute think not about if you want a kid in ~9 months, but do you want a 5 year old in 6 years? 10 in 11…? An article we found helpful was:
http://www.conversiondiary.com/2010/10/my-answer-to-do-you-want-more-children.html
This is the catalyst of why we have a 2 month old, so watch out.
Oh and have fun. Kids are a lot of work, but they are also a lot of fun.
There are people struggling at every income level, regardless of whether they have kids are not. (There are also lots of people on the edge of financial ruin that don’t even know it.)
That said – there is definitely a cost to kids. Either in lost income or in day care. There are few exceptions to that. Maybe one of you has a career that can be done nights – giving you no time together and thus throwing away your marriage. Or maybe you can impose on grandma or another relative to watch the children for free.
As far as housing, food, and all the other costs of a kid – it doesn’t have to be that expensive. Buy everything but the car seat used. Instead of baby food, grind up a little bit of your regular food. And let the toys take over your house for a while – the longer you put off moving to the bigger place you think you “need”, the more you’ll save.
My husband and I spent $10k the year we had our son. This included hospital bills though, and our doctor practiced in probably the most expensive hospital in the city, unfortunately. Insurance covered a majority of it, but we had to pay the max of our deductible.
Other costs included one-time things like crib, car seat, stroller, high-chair, etc. as well as on-going things like diapers.
My husband and I make a lot of money compared to the national averages, but in our high-cost city, we still have to live very frugally. Here are some tips that are saving us a ton:
Our biggest expense by far is child care, and we got lucky in that my wonderful relative is caring for my son, and although we pay her, it’s still pretty low considering he gets one-on-one attention from her. If you can find a relative then that would be great!
Our second biggest expense is college savings. You don’t really even have to save for this, and even for us, it’s not a priority; we just put extra money in there but we don’t pay it first.
Use the library for free books and music.
I breastfed which saved on formula, but I also know how painful it is and what a time-suck it is so no worries if it’s not something that you want to do. I also made my own baby food.
You don’t have to sign up for paid activities. Go to the park, or go to meetup.com and find mom groups there if you really want your kid to socialize.
Buy open-ended toys that will spark imagination, i.e. play dough, crayons, paint, basic stuffed animals etc. instead of fixed toys. The less a toy “does,” the more your kid’s imagination has to work, and therefore the less toys you really need to cycle through. And don’t buy too many toys.
Try to eliminate or limit media exposure to your kids, particularly the ones targeted to kids. The less time your kid watches Yo Gabba Gabba, the less he will beg you for the toys and paraphernalia that Yo Gabba Gabba sells 😉
If your transition is short and you know when it will end, then sure maybe wait. But I think so long as you have the non-negotiable costs taken care of, then you should be okay.
Good luck! I’m glad you’re thinking of this before having kids.
6 weeks after our firstborn arrived, my then husband lost his job. It was devasting and ultiamtely was one of the factors that led to our divorce – he never again pursued the kind of career/money he had when we decided to have kids and we ended up raising our children (a second one was a surprise) in a far different monetary status than I envisioned. If you really are about to change careers, be sure it is what you want and that you will have enough to raise a child as you envision.
Great post!!! We have 3 boys – all 10 and under. We spend about $450/ month of food. I find that many of my single, no-family clients spend about the same! And it’s all boys so we are all carnivorous. I am just saying that there are ways to cut costs. Grandparents are always giving clothes. And we just let ours play 1-2 sports for the year.
On a different level, it seems that parents who feel guilty for not spending much time with the kids are also the ones who BUY ANYTHING THE KIDS WANT. It’s much harder to say no when your dealing with seldom-hang-with-my-kid guilt.
Has no one suggested just having one child? It’s more cost effective, just like having only 1 car and 1 house etc. Everyone I talk to always says “oh we want kidS” or “oh we don’t want kidS”. It’s like people think just having one is half-assed or something!
Children don’t actually need siblings to grow up well adjusted, as long as you make sure they get lots of social exposure with children their own age and raise them well so they understand the value of respecting others.
Just have one if you think you can afford kids but aren’t sure. With 7 billion of us on the planet, it’s not like there’s a people shortage.
Ru, I completely agree, and I’m writing as an only child. Only children have a bad rap. I’ve had far more difficulties with spoiled rotten babies of the family than with only children. While only children are more likely to need alone time, in my opinion, they are more likely to be generous people because they haven’t had to protect their stuff from sibling territory wars. Both statements are based on my experience though.
I agree that one child families are just fine. We were planning on that but one slip up with birth control gave us our second. Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men. My suggestion, get a permanent solution to birth control after the first if your intention is not to have more.
I find it really disturbing, the number of posters who think you can just control your health and the health of your child. That kind of assumption leads to brittle planning.
Things go wrong with humans. You can’t predict it. Babies can be born with disabilities or health issues, children and adults can suffer accidents or disease, adolescents can suddenly manifest serious mental illness that requires dedicated and seriously expensive medical care. If you’re only prepared for a family of completely well and able-bodied members – or worse, if you think you can guarantee that future through some action of your own – you are not emotionally or financially prepared to be responsible for a family.
Totally agree! I have had friends whose children have had cancer and organ transplants–all before the age of five! Even if you have insurance, it gets expensive if you have a child who is ill. My own children have had illnesses that landed them in the hospital. There may be expenses that are beyond your control.
Be careful about waiting too long to start a family. We did wait until our 40s to have kids – not for economic reasons but other good reasons. Although there are so many people having kids later in life, I will tell you it’s very hard. Even if you can successfully get pregnant – many cannot – it is very tough to be an older parent. Not at first, because you are in your 40s. But as the children grow you will be in your 50s , with much less energy than younger parents. you start having health problems. Plus, we very well may be in no shape to help out with/ enjoy any grandchildren who come along. (that being said , the kids are TOTALLY worth it!)
Completely agree, and why I’m still pretty firmly in the “no thanks” camp. There was another response down-thread that said “decide when you want to be done parenting (through college) and work backwards.” Well, life don’t always work out that way. My mom is still caring for my 25-year old brother, who has sever PTSD after coming home from Afghanistan. My sister-in-law was severely and permanently disabled at age 15; my in-laws are still caring for her daily at ages 57 and 62. We have friends who have had children born with disabilities, children who have had cancer.
If I could guarantee everything would work out? Sure, I might do it. But I can’t, and having seen it first hand I’m not willing to roll those dice right now (and maybe not ever).
Don’t have kids myself, but two blogs I like that provide some suggestions on how not to break the bank with kids:
theminimalistmom.com/ (She has a book about baby’s first year)
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/09/09/mrs-money-mustache-what-do-newborn-babies-really-need/
Good luck!
I just want to say, my wife are 36 years old, and we have a net worth of around $400,000, and it’s very largely due to not having kids. In addition, I’d like to say our lives are pretty sweet. We sleep in on the weekends, we go out to dinner when we feel like it, we get to travel, and we have no debt besides our mortgage. We love our lives! By the time we’re 50, we’ll be multi-millionaires. And really, it’s all because we didn’t have kids. I would highly recommend that people don’t have kids.
I’ll pass, thanks. One cannot put a price on the joys of having a child. If its not for you than its not for you.
Advising people not to have a child just so they can have a high networth like you?! Really trully that’s so sad. It may be right for you, but it has to be one of the awfullest thing I’ve heard.
Just because someone doesn’t have a high networth with children doesn’t mean they do not love their lives.
My parents are not rich and did not have a networth of 400,000.00 when they had me. I am eternally gratefull to them for deciding not to abort me. They did not need all that money to give me everything I needed and more.
That comment really gave me a foul distaste in my mouth. Ugh!
Choosing not to have kids doesn’t necessarily mean having an abortion. It’s possible to not get pregnant using birth control, if that’s your concern.
Anyway, I’m sure the poster is just offering another perspective. Not having children is a viable choice. I haven’t decided to have kids or not yet, but I have to agree that not ever having to worry about money is a great perk. I’m not wealthy, but I never worry about paying bills or going out to eat.
The ability to travel is awesome, too. If I want to go on an expensive vacation to Africa, I just do.
I’m going to be honest – I think our parents had it easier than we did. My dad supported a wife and 3 kids off a blue-collar income. He paid his mortgage off in 12 years, and had enough leftover that he took his kids (me) to Disneyworld, among other places. I don’t think that’s possible today.
Basically, I think the Boomer generation prospered in large part by passing the bill on to their children. That’s me. Now that I’m paying for my parents’ indulgences, in addition to trying to pay for my own generations’ social infrastructure, I quite plainly don’t believe there is enough leftover for my wife and I to have kids, too.
I feel that by (wisely) abstaining from having kids, my wife and I are able to have a decent life. We’re funding our retirement, we’re able to travel, and we have a comfortable home. We’re not living extravagently (eg. driving BMW’s), but if we had kids, we’d be much, much worse off.
Quite plainly, I believe that only chumps have kids. I fully recognize and understand that SOMEONE has to have kids, to pay into our pension plan, but I believe my wife and I possess the insight to see that buying into that model condemns people to a substandard level of life. We’ve chosen to abstain from having kids, while encouraging others to do so.
That said, we obviously have no descendants to inherit our wealth once we pass. Thus, I am able to not give anything to charity ever, without feeling guilt, because I know that once we inevitably pass, the entire amount of our wealth will go to charity (My choice will be the SPCA).
Wow! I guess my husband and I are chumps. I’ve never thought of myself as an optimist, but I feel that our lives are TONS better than our parents’ lives. We have more education, more choices, better housing, and less financial worry. I felt that way before we had kids, too.
I’m 45 and my husband is 48. Our net worth is about $900,000. I’m sure we would be worth much more if we didn’t have kids, yet we’re thinking of adopting another.
Our feeling is we have plenty enough to be secure and we even have some left over. Sure, kids can be time, money, and even life sucking, but we personally would feel a giant hole in our lives without kids. I’m not trying to pass any judgement on you – clearly having children is not for everybody and if you’re not going to feel like something’s missing if you don’t have kids it’s probably best if you don’t intentionally become parents.
Kevin, I am 37, I have two kids, and am meeting or exceeding the same financial goals as you. We have traveled all over the US and Europe. My kids don’t exclude anything but sleeping in on weekends, and now that they are elementary school age, we do sleep in a bit. We have a great life. I love our life, too. Kids don’t preclude these goals/joys in life. If you don’t want kids and make that lifestyle choice, more power to you, no judgment whatsoever.
We’re expecting now and will be debt free but not the amount of savings we’d really like to have.
But when I think back to my childhood, it was the feeling of security and happiness that mattered the most – and we didn’t have alot of money at all. Not alot of stuff but not alot of debt either.
Now my parents have more ‘stuff’ and more debt, which freaks me the heck out.
Things just work out, seriously. My husband and I got pregnant when we were in graduate school. It wasn’t planned (I was on the pill and took it faithfully, but wound up pregnant regardless!) We were broke, had student loan debt, and our health insurance was a not-ideal student plan. It all worked out. Being students gave us the flexibility to avoid childcare costs the first couple years when it’s most expensive. Our only real costs the first year were diapers and some pediatrician copays. We received other necessities (car seat, clothing) as gifts. Our daughter slept in our bed in our tiny apartment the first six months. We learned the location of every child consignment shop in town. Over the years, we have finished grad school and started our careers. She’s 13 now, our student loans are paid off, we’re homeowners, and we’re saving for retirement and her college. No, we weren’t able to start saving for retirement and college during grad school, but c’est la vie, we will still be able to retire and help her with college costs. We would have waited a few years if fate (and faulty birth control!) hadn’t intervened, but then we wouldn’t have the amazing girl that we have now.
Andi and her husband sound eminently more situated to start a family than I was, so my tendency is to say, go with your heart, and have a child now if you want one.
My dad was still in school when my parents had me (they were 34 and 30). My little brother came three years later and for a little while the four of us were in a tiny one bedroom apartment over a garage. Then my dad got a job but my mom quit hers.
He likes to say that we were dirt poor but it was the happiest time in their lives.
They’ve built up substantial retirement savings since those days by living within their means (continuing to live on just one salary even after my mom went back to work).
I don’t necessarily agree with the sentiment that things will just work out, but it did in my parents’ case.
A wise wise woman once told me 11 years ago, when we were stressing about the exact same thing, “babies bring their own bread” – in other words with love devotion & hard work you will do anything to provide for your child! Best of luck Andi with your chosen path…I know having my 2 children (not at the best financial period in our lives)was the best decision my husband & I ever made.
I haven’t read the other responses. There’s rarely a perfect time to have kids. We were broke when our first (surprise!) child came along. However, young kids don’t have to cost a fortune.
That said, I also will disagree a little about having the right clothes and toys. That’s true up until about age 8 when sticks for toys and Good Will clothes may no longer suffice. Kids are pricey, no doubt. We’re looking at yet another 6k for a set of braces.
However, It’s important to remember that kids are their own people filled with imperfections and challenges. I think too much emphasis on waiting for the perfect time to have a child places too much pressure on the child to be perfect. Your kids will disappoint you, even if YOU do everything perfectly. Most people can afford one or two kids – so, relax, have a baby or two and stop overthinking things.
I raised 4 kids without giving a thought as to whether or not I could afford them.
We had some tough times, but it wasn’t just because we had kids–as usual, life intervened, and we had to make do, by making sure there was more love than money–always.
Here’s one story that illustrates what it’s like to have more love than money when you have kids:
My son was turning 9 and I had no money at all. I was able to put together exactly $11 for his birthday. I felt so bad–I just wanted to cry, but the picture in my mind of that day is him clutching these stupid little do-dads i bought with $11.00, and all of us sitting around the table for a long time laughing and joking and having him blow out candles on his home-made cake, and then his gift to me was his saying effusely at the end of the day, “Mom and Dad, THANK YOU SO MUCH for my birthday!”
On a practical note, I would second the comments about health insurance. A roof. Basic clothes. Basic food. A lot of love. That’s all you need.
There is NEVER a “good time” to have kids, something will always come up and make you second guess your timing.
If you want them and can offer a stable and loving environment, then just close your eyes and do it 🙂
The meaning of human life:
1. Continue this very life spreading their genes.
2. Find a different meaning than in paragraph 1.
If the target number 1 fails, then you have not completed the most important and most obvious thing you could do in life.
Perhaps the decision not to have children, is the mechanism of natural selection.
Speaking as someone who may not be able to have kids, I have to wonder why the universe lets junkies, child abusers, etc. have children when I can’t. Maybe it’s a good thing my flawed genes won’t get to carry on, but in my opinion choice is a separate thing from natural selection.
I also don’t believe that if I don’t have kids my life will be meaningless, or that I’m selfish or that I should be the subject of pity.
I don’t think that people who choose not to have kids are selfish. I think people who choose to have kids who can’t love them are. Being a parent doesn’t make anyone morally superior to anyone else. Just ask a teacher or social worker.
I do agree that as long as you are able to provide basic needs most material things aren’t what make a difference in a child’s life. I have a seven year old and both of us wear clothing from the Salvation Army. However, where money is very helpful is in education. If you will both be working you would probably rather have your child in high-quality day care rather than someplace where they are not learning. Once they go to school you will probably want them to attend a good school–which usually means a home in a more expensive neighborhood or private school. Unless you are home over the summer you will want her/him to be in nice camps. And, you may want to go on memorable family vacations. So, while I think that the “stuff” isn’t that important and much of it can be had for less, I think that the experiences that help children to become intelligent, happy, capable adults can add up.
Money is fleeting. Family is forever. I say have the kids. You will adjust your finances as needed because your priorities will become crystal clear.
As having five children, I think it is imperative that children are adequately prepared for (small emergency fund, health care, child care provisions etc.) but I don’t think you need to have a set amount of money. The writers of the question should just go with whatever they are comfortable with. For some it may be a set amount in savings and for others it may be one year of living expenses in a savings account.
Wow, lots of great comments and stories! I’m with the camp that says don’t wait until things are “perfect”! When you are pregnant and then become a parent, you adapt and adjust your priorities to do the best you can for your family, no matter what your former path had been. Just by your awareness of financial concerns, and thinking/talking about kids and values beforehand, you are ahead of the game. We waited until out of grad school (age 30), and went into parenthood with the whole thing: student loans, 2 cars, 2 dogs & a cat, new mortgage on an old house, new demanding professional jobs and a catastrophy-only insurance policy that came in handy for the C-section. We struggled with childcare costs and saved little for retirement or emergencies. In the end, divorce wreaked havoc, but the earlier investments in ourselves allowed us to recover. Having kids was the most enriching of all my experiences in life. My 2 boys are now 21 and 23, delightful human beings, and it was worth the struggles of teenage years. I disagree that the only things kids want is your love and attention-they also want to belong to their community at their time in history. Their world will not be what it was when you were their age. In my opinion, you have an obligation to somehow strike a balance between allowing for the latest Gameboy or snowboard or trendy clothing at the same time that you teach them your values. This was important to me because I grew in a backwater town and, for example, I didn’t learn to drive and my family never had a tv, so I felt “different” from all my peers. So we got the tv for our kids and watched selected things with them (even though there were battles about their free tv time) and tried to balance by doing family activities outdoors, reading to them, helping in their classrooms, supporting team activities, etc. My only regret is not having a better understanding of finances-we were pretty frugal overall, but could have saved and budgeted. We were also not on the same page about how to handle money and teach the kids how to self-manage their routines…. Now, my kids are a wonderful blend of their own unique selves and our values, they are independent and on their own, have defined and created their own success, and I look forward to continuing adult relationships with them. Now that I’m approaching retirement and look back, the childrearing years are only one of several major phases that you will adapt to in a conscious and conscientious approach to living… Remember “the perfect is the enemy of the good!” Best of luck to you….
As a relatively new parent, I’d agree that kids aren’t all that expensive, per se. I’d say our average expenses for baby “stuff” are in the neighborhood of $100/month. Childcare, however, can be very expensive. When I was working, we spent about $1800 a month on part time childcare (in a major city)
Prior to having kids I think you need to be in a place where you’re financially stable enough to be flexible and have a clear understanding of your family’s financial picture.
My daughter was born with some special needs and my husband and I quickly realized that a nanny would not be able to give her the level of care that she needed. We decided that I would leave my career to care for her. After a few months of being home, I know this was absolutely the right choice for our family, as she is thriving, as are my husband and I.
We were able to make this choice because we had a very good understanding of our finances and knew how we could make adjustments to live without my full-time income (I still do some “side jobs”).
More than any dollar amount, I am so thankful that we had a very clear understanding of our financial picture before we had children and would recommend that as a pre-baby goal.
I agree that the time and attention is way more important than the money spent. As a parent. Kids do cost a TON of money, but if you wait until you have “enough” you’ll never have kids. Or you’ll be infertile. Sounds like your reader is way ahead of the game, anyways.
[Thinking out loud.] I find it interesting that some people (not here) chastise parents or potential parents for “waiting too long” to start a family. Those people rarely consider that maybe they did not find their life partners until they were well into their 30s, even 40s. Not everyone is married and partnered for life by the time they hit 30.
We had our first child when I was 40. I’ve no doubt I’m a better Dad then if I had had kids in my 20s, regardless of time or money considerations. It is also great motivation to keep in good physical shape.
I’ve no doubt our financial solvency, during these last crazy years, was in large part because we had kids later in life. Remember the time value of money. The sooner we can put some away and the longer we can let it ride, the better off we’ll probably be.
Final thought, I recalled a couple who both had full time professional and demanding jobs. While they were American, their kids had British accents because their nanny was British. They are great kids, but I decided I wanted to be a major factor in raising my kids even if they would come out fine being raised by the community and institutions.
I advise my kids to not rush into either marriage or kids, but to experience adult life for awhile first. I can also say that I never understood what it meant to be an adult, until I had kids.
(I also must add that I came to realize that many managers manage teams based on their experience raising kids, which is not always a good thing!)
I think the best way to decide when to start having kids is to figure out at what age it is that you would like to be done with raising kids (through college) and getting on with your life. Babies and children are expensive as you make them, so how much money you have is really not the best way to decide to start.
We wanted to be done at 50. We started our family at 24 and 27. Both are done with college a few years and we are 52, still healthy and able to do everything we want to do.
It wasn’t easy but to us it was well worth it.
My wife and I have been married for 9 years (10 years in July). We have yet to have kids, however, we both agree that would like to have some in the near future.
We were both raised in households that believed you shouldn’t wait until you had a certain level of financial freedom before you have kids, and as an adult I still agree with that.
However, since we do not have kids yet, now is a great time to prepare for them (live on a budget, get out of debt, and live on less than you make).
I ssay a home, a paid of car, One year’s worth expenses in an energency fund and atlest the same in your retirement fund. Plus and importantly a steady income stream.
This is a question I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I’m turning 28 in a few weeks, not married, and concerned about how soon I’m going to have to start making babies if that’s going to happen in my life.
Then I think about how much money I feel I need to have children, and I pretty much convince myself I shouldn’t have kids. I have $150k between my investments and retirement account (though not a lot of that is liquid, I could feasibly sell stocks fairly quick to have cash on hand if needed.) I feel like I need $500k saved before I think about having kids. That’s just me… I know people do it with a lot less and with debt, and do fine, but I’d like to be able to at least put a sizable downpayment on a 3br house (assuming the house is $1.2M here) and feel comfortable with more liquidity in my accounts at the time.
Since that’s probably not going to happen before I’m 31, when I want to start trying to have kids (and I’m hopefully, knock on wood, married) I know I’m going to have to make sacrifices. I don’t know if I can, or if I’m willing to.
The real sacrifice might be marrying for money, not love. Right now I’m on the road to marrying a guy who I love, but who isn’t exactly financially “hot.” He isn’t in debt, which is very good, but he also doesn’t have a savings or retirement account to speak of, and at the moment works 20-30 hrs a week on contract for $18/hr. It’s not like when I marry I’ll be doubling my savings/networth. Hopefully by that time he will have a stable full time job at least, and we can grow our networth together.
My advice from watching my sister have 2 daughters:
1) Don’t take your kids with you to the store (the grocery store, Target, etc.) Leave the kid at home with the other parent while you run errands. Stores product-place their kid-friendly items at the child’s eye-level.
2) When you kid starts asking for an iPhone or an XBox(it will happen sooner than you think!), work out a plan in which they “earn” the upfront cost of the item and/or they “earn” the ongoing cost of the monthly plan by doing chores around the house.
3) When the kid gets a little older (around 7 or 8), you can also offer them the chance to EITHER spend their chores-money on stuff (like a phone) OR “invest it” in the Mom and Dad Certificate of Deposit which yields them “interest” or “dividends.”
Agreed, raising kids and the interaction you have with them is waaaaay more important than how much money you have. And kids CAN be super cheap. My oldest is almost five and still doesn’t make a dent in our budget, really. I know that when they’re older, they’ll have more expenses, so we are working that into our longer term plan. Anyway, I found this article to be educational: http://www.pennilessparenting.com/2011/11/anticipated-expenses-for-my-new-baby.html#more
We waited 10 years and are having a child in May. Our biggest concerns to get out of the way were:
Being pretty much free of credit card debt
Buying a house and settling in
Having some money put away for retirement
Having our own business up and running so we can work at home and raise our child more easily (this was the biggest one).
I agree that young kids need shelter, clean water, nutritious food, medical care, and lots of love. Anything else is just extras!
Daisy
I do believe that the biggest problem we have with these discussions is the perception that children are an expense. They are an asset and here’s why – how much are you prepared to pay to take away the pain of loneliness in old age? How much are you prepared to pay to feel that same exhilaration of holding a new born baby? How about attending graduations, weddings and other important events in the lives of your children? These emotions are not “free”, they come because we invest in our families, not pay for them!
I don’t think anyone ever has enough money to have children! 😉
And finances alone are not the way to judge whether this is the right time for you to become a family. Bottom line is, if you have children, you make adjustments to your lifestyle in one way or another. If you decide to stay home, you have to learn to live on one income. If you decide that both parents will work, you have to find money for daycare. You will always have to do some fine tuning no matter what your situation.
Andi – Even though your lives are in flux, moving from city to city, job to job, to pursue your dreams, you said yourself that you are both emotionally ready to start a family. And in a nutshell that is the most important thing. You love each other, you know you’re in this for the long haul TOGETHER and you’re ready to devote your time and energy into loving and raising another human being. So it is the right time for you!
While some might say, you don’t have a permanent home, you don’t have permanent jobs, its reckless – I say, its probably a really good time!! You haven’t committed yourself to a mortgage – any change to your income levels could affect the security of that. If you have a family now, while you’re living on less income, building careers, then the only way for your finances to go is up. Eventually.
Yes having children can be expensive – but it doesn’t have to be. It is all about what you want for your children and for your family. If you start out living on less, having less, you will manage. And when your incomes increase, your situations change, you feel the need to provide your children with a permament home while they go to school – you will do so within your means.
Waiting until you feel you can “afford” children could easily mean you wait too long and miss out. Or have only 1 child when maybe you’d really like 4. You will have also grown accustomed to a certain way of life with 2 growing incomes and the adjustment to prioritizing another human being (or more) will be harder felt.
So if you’re ready, do it. You will find a way and your child will have your hearts and your energy (while you are young enough to still have some left – because believe me having kids is EXHAUSTING! I am 38, have a 3yr old, am pregnant again and working parttime and I have never felt more tired). Even if your wallets are empty, your lives will be full.
But you definitely want to have some health insurance. Birthing babies in America is darned expensive! Keeping them, raising them and nurturing them after the big day can be as inexpensive as you choose.
Good luck!
Here, my situation and although I know its low on the comment list, I hope I can get some helpful feedback.
I am 27 and my husband is 29. We have been together 5-years and are in a very strong healthy and committed relationship. We both want kids. Actually, I have wanted kids since we met, but told my ovaries to be patient until I finished law school and my husband finished getting his MBA. Now, degrees in hand, we have approx. $90,000 in student loan debt combined. We have $25,000 in savings and are saving a little over $2,500 a month by living frugally and in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I make $45,000 a year and my husband makes $47,500. We have been forgoing paying down our student loan debt because we want to buy a home. The plan is to buy a home in a good school district so we won’t have to pay for private school later. We also don’t plan on moving at least for 10-15 years. The homes we are looking at are about $250,000-$270,000, which are 3b/2bath homes. We both have excellent credit and qualify for a home purchase in that ball park and we plan on taking out an FHA loan.
My projected budget with the new home is the following:
Mortgage: $2,400
Loans: $900
Utilities: $ 200
Transportation $ 200
Food: $250
Car Ins: $150
Tv and internet: $90
Phones $60
Misc. $200
= $4,450
Take home pay is $5,735 — (this is after our 401k contributions are taken out and health insurance)
If we have a child now, which we really want to do, I will have to keep working and have to pay for day care. (There aren’t any family members who we could rely on for help.)
I want to know from your experiences, if I should wait or pull the trigger and start baby making. lol I love my husband and I know finances hurts marriages and I am scared of that. I feel like I may be wanting too much too soon, but I also feel like I have done everything I have been told to do to be ready and yet, there seems like a never ending list of to-dos and maybe I will never be ready. I waited for the right man, I waited until I was done with school, and I waited to be at my job for at least a year to make sure I had a steady source of income and that I wanted to stay with the firm and have Maternity leave. Ugh! But, I don’t have a lot of savings. Suggestions?
PS: We have two cars paid off and I am selling one, which should net me about 10k. I intend to save this money as an emergency fund. We both work in downtown so we car pool. Additionally, the house price is the absolute cheapest for a good school district. Otherwise, we are talking about worse neighborhoods and longer commutes.
I had a couple thoughts.
1) what is the cost of daycare in your area?
2) school district doesn’t matter until your child is old enough to go to school. I mentioned that my parents lived in a tiny one bedroom garage apartment when my brother and I were babies. If you can maintain a similar or just slightly inflated lifestyle after the birth of your child until it is 5/6 years old you might be able to get an earlier start than what you are currently anticipating while continuing to put away savings for your desired home. My parents didn’t buy their first home until just before I started kindergarten. They’ve now been in that house for ~22 years.
3) are there rentals in/near the neighborhood you are interested (houses, apartments?) If you’re still not quite ready to buy when the kid hits 5/6 years old, this might be another way of getting into the school district you want while continuing to save. My dad has a friend who lived in apartments until the his kids graduated and left, and *then* he finally went and bought himself house (I’m not sure if it was in the same neighborhood). Maybe he was doing #2 and keeping his kids in a good school district within his desired budget and then he got out of there once he no longer needed it.
4) Does your projected home budget include the cost of replacing things that break (pipes, AC, heater, foundations, etc)? I don’t see a child care line (co-pays for well baby, said daycare unless you stay home), buying furniture when you jump from a 1-bedroom apartment to a 3bedroom-2bath house…
I have 3 children – one with special needs and two other “normal” – they’re all teenagers now. My experience is that there is never a right time to have children and you cannot predict the future. If you can “afford” them now, say in your 30’s, it doesn’t mean your financial circumstances will be the same later on. Relationships break, jobs are unsteady and parenting is one of the most difficult tasks in the technological age. Yes, we can give time to our kids and that maybe more important than giving them consumer goods but quality time is measured by your financial position. If I had the chance to live my life over I’d only choose to have one. I am not a traditional “family” person. I find emotional interaction fraught with difficulties and I don’t feel as if I’ll ever get a handle on the this thing called parenting.
I’m a mega-planner and I had it all planned out that we would whip that 15 year mortgage (with 2 incomes) in 5 years and then start having kids with me (mom) staying home to raise them on one income. We were explaining this to the lady in our bank’s mortgage department (we were making an extra payment of course) and she just laughed and exclaimed, “Oh for heaven’s sake, don’t wait til you can AFFORD kids! It’ll never happen!”
How true! We did start 3 years later (yes, the biological clock does have to be taken into consideration), we have been through lay-offs, family health problems, extended family issues, etc. Life happens.
You wanna know how long the mortgage took to be paid off? 15 years. We did pay extra, but would then refinance as the rates came down. We took out extra each time so we could update electric, put more energy efficient windows in, erect a fence for my daycare business (I had to continue to bring in income, but I did feel strongly about raising our own kids…), buy a much needed used car, etc.
The lady at the bank was right. We have never reached a point where we could COMFORTABLY AFFORD kids, but somehow we made ends meet, took cheapo vacations (we talk about our camping trip fiasco much more than the expensive Disney World trip! Camping proved to be a disaster for us, but pretty darned funny in hindsight), became debt-free just in time for the kids to go off to college & got the kids through college (that earned income credit helped us pay our half of the tuition – the kids earned their half and seeing us live frugally, THEY TOO understand the importance of frugality & debt-free living as well).
Just make sure the hubby and wife are one the same page & that they understand that parenthood is a tough but fulfilling undertaking, and present a united front to the kids and things will probably work out. Good luck! 🙂
@ Comment 211 – Pavel: Ever seen the movie Idiocracy? Your comment reminded me of it.
The premise of the film is natural selection is indifferent toward intelligence. People who have limited intelligence out-breed intellectuals and the resulting future society is full of stupid people.
The idea of limited fertility was mentioned many times, so let me chime in with this: there are many children already in existence who do not have the privilege of a loving home. If the time is not right for you but you feel pressured by your biological clock, please remember that birthing a child is not the only option.
Becoming foster parents was the best decision we ever made.