Beyond Valentine’s Day: Money and relationships
Spoiler alert: Stress ahead!
More than three in four women think about money more than sex, and more than one in four Americans in relationships feel money-related stress affects their desire for sex according to a survey conducted online within the United States by Harris Poll on behalf of Yodlee from December 6 to December 10, 2013. The 2,039 U.S. respondents were adults ages 18 and older, of whom 1,437 indicated being in romantic relationships.
What does this mean as we approach Valentine’s Day next Saturday? More than first meets the eye, that’s what!
While money’s impact on the libido isn’t something I’d given much thought to previously, it makes sense that it would. Being worried (about anything) can have an impact on your desire to … um … get it on. Making DIY plans for an affordable Valentine’s Day may help placate the symptoms of money woes for the time being, but what’s behind the stress anyway?
In some cases, people can trace their financial issues as far back as the attitudes they held when they first started dating. Others may be experiencing stress from a more recent turn of events that is nonetheless just as devastating. Regardless of how long-standing or difficult the circumstance, though, one good thing is that it is possible to help prevent or neutralize that stress to some degree.
Looking back – financial woes and casual dating
For many, if not most of us, casual dating took place mostly in our high school and college years – when we were young and had more dreams than money. If that describes your situation now, take comfort in the fact that just about everyone you know at this time in life is pretty much in the same boat you are. When no one has very much money or expectations of lifelong partnerships, the expectations for expensive dates or fancy gifts are also probably pretty low. Additionally, if you’re at a more casual stage in your romantic life, you can avoid the financial and personal pressures of Valentine’s Day altogether simply by not going on a date that day!
The trouble can come if during this time you aren’t aware how significant the impact of poor decisions can be to your love life for years to come. For example, if you are caught up in living for the moment, as it were, you can easily attract others that have a similar mindset. That could make it harder to find that special someone who is interested in personal finance and would be willing to work toward building wealth and reaching financial independence with you. What if their champagne-taste-on-a-beer-budget mindset makes them feel like they’re being controlled by their parents? Whether this is an accurate representation of their parents or not, that could lead to financial rebellion and a number of poor choices like taking out more student loans than necessary or racking up credit card debt.
It’s important for parents to teach their children about money before they are on their own. But whether you have parents that took the opportunity to explain the reasoning behind their financial decisions or not, you can still avoid developing a dysfunctional relationship with money by taking responsibility for your own financial education – as you’re doing if you’re reading this blog! The end result could be many happy years celebrating Valentine’s Day with the one you love in the future instead of the stress-filled environment you might have created after years of living it up.
Getting serious (about finances and love)
It’s natural to want to settle down, get serious with someone, and maybe start a family, but you may not be able to at this point – at least, not on the timeline or budget you expected – and that could cause a lot of stress too. The Interwebs are full of stories about how Millennials are not reaching adult milestones at the ages we have come to expect. This includes things like:
- Delaying homeownership, often by moving back in with their parents after college or job loss (and staying there, sometimes for years!)
- Getting married in their mid-30s or later (rather than the mid-20s)
- Having children later in life
- Having fewer children overall
While none of these things are necessarily bad or evil on their face, they affect people personally and on a macroeconomic scale as well. Take having children later in life as an example. Having children becomes more difficult and dangerous as women get older. The potential for (expensive) complications may increase, and those complications may affect the long-term health of both mother and child. That may lead directly to having fewer children overall, whether it’s because additional pregnancies are dangerous, the existing child(ren) require more care than anticipated, or the woman can’t or doesn’t want children after a certain age. (After all, wait too long and you’re potentially supporting children during your own retirement! How’s that for stress?)
On the purely financial side, homeownership, weddings, and children are billion-dollar industries that represent huge chunks of economic activity. Delaying or decreasing those things impacts us all in a variety of ways. And because social security pays today’s retirees out of the pockets of today’s workforce, having fewer children (and fewer workers) but more retirees is going to become a more and more difficult equation to balance.
Marriage, money, and divorce
Even if you are able to find love given the financial uncertainty that has become so common, it can be challenging to maintain harmony in your relationship if there is no harmony in your finances. Obviously, it is important to be on the same page when it comes to making financial choices. However, the impact that constant worry can have on both individuals and relationships is real.
Maybe one or both of you suffers from the stress-spending cycle, in which stress (even monetary stress) actually increases the odds that you’ll make additional poor financial decisions. It can be tough to conquer your finances together when you have different priorities or spending habits. And even if you’re on the same page, it can be hard to take a deep breath and let go of financial stress.
Being under constant financial stress can have a more significant and longer-term impact on your relationship than just whether or not you and your spouse knock boots on V-Day. It is widely acknowledged that financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. And ending a marriage is often devastating both personally and financially – which means the stress those individuals are under isn’t going anywhere but up unless they can summon the strength to de-escalate amid all the frustration. And that’s pretty hard to do when you’re considering divorce except, possibly, by realizing that having someone to love in your life is an incredibly valuable thing. Anyone who has lost the love of their life might see it that way, anyway.
Final thoughts
So this article has been about as sexy as a list of high-yield savings accounts or jumbo CD rates. (Come to think of it, maybe GRS readers would find that sexy, actually!) So what’s the takeaway? Simple. No matter what stage of life and love you’re in, the sooner you start taking action to get your finances in order, the sooner you can start reducing your stress level. And the sooner you reduce your stress level, the sooner you can …
Um.
Well, that’s none of my business, really 😉
All kidding aside, has financial stress ever had an impact on your relationships? How did you overcome it? Share in the comments below!
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There are 16 comments to "Beyond Valentine’s Day: Money and relationships".
I find that being on the same financial page as my husband has been absolutely crucial for us. We don’t fight about money because we check-in with each other and discuss our finances regularly.
Money can’t be shunted aside and seen as an unsuitable or boring topic, couples need to dissect their feelings about their finances together. I actually advocate that people go on a finance date, which is to say, a fun date where the primary topic of conversation is… your money!
Most importantly, I think that how we use our money is a reflection of our goals. And so, if both parts of a couple share the same long-term goals and vision, it’ll be much easier to align finances. At the end of the day, we spend money on our priorities, so if your priorities are the same, you’ll be in good shape.
My husband and I came from different money backgrounds. He came from a family that never had experienced any financial roller coasters and when something broke you fixed it, it was a given. I came from a family where all sorts of financial ups and downs happened (layoffs, medical, etc) and when something broke you had to see when and if you had the money to fix it. This was a little bit of a problem the first time we had a dilemma and no money to fix it. This created arguments and, as newlyweds, this morphed into some very uncomfortable discussions that had to do with everything but finances. What finally got us out of this cycle were “Board Meetings”. We would have them at a local diner (because neither one of us likes scenes in public). It forced us to concentrate on the task at hand and kept our emotions in check. It was easier to talk about the issues when we weren’t angry in that moment. We became a great team (financially and otherwise) and after about 5 years we no longer had to have board meetings in a public place we could do it at home. We’ve been married for 26 years and now the finances are one of the easiest topics for us to discuss because we are on the same page. I have friends whose marriages are in shambles because they can’t get on the same page. Find something that works for you and work on the problem together and it is no longer an issue in the romance department.
I agree 100 percent. If you and your spouse are not in financial harmony, it will definitely add stress into your life. I’m very lucky to have found someone (the second time around) who shares my values and who wants to plan for the future. We talk about our finances and are usually in agreement as to where we want to be and how we want to get there.
That’s very much unlike my first relationship. We were always fighting about money. My ex only thought about now and not the future. In fact when we split up, we had to divide up the money in my 401K that I had been tucking away (not nearly as much as I would have liked). When she found out about it the first thing that came out of her mouth was “We could have been using that money!” Enough said! That stress is now history!
You will definitely be much better off in retirement without her around, although it sucks she got half of your retirement account when she didn’t deserve it. She’ll probably blow the money and be living off of Social Security and whining about her fixed income. Karma!
Hahaha, you were right at the top of your article when you said “stress ahead!”
As I was reading, I found myself disagreeing with so many things – for example, wouldn’t having fewer children later in life put in in a better place financially to start with? And isn’t the goal to have enough set up for retirement so you don’t have to depend on social security, since it’s already kind of a joke as it is, aren’t we expecting it to be even less reliable in the future despite how many workers there are?
Either way thought, you’re right about breaking out of causal dating and actually being focused on finance in a longer-term relationship in order for that relationship to have less stress and more, ummm, love. 😉
I don’t think we necessarily disagree. Having fewer children later in life might put you in a better financial position. But HAVING to make that choice as the result of your finances when you had your heart set on having a big family young could be heartbreaking. And smaller families aren’t great for the economy on a macro level (see Japan, where falling birthrates are causing all kinds of problems).
And while we *shouldn’t* rely on SS, many people do! And if your adult children are living at home, what if you can’t afford to contribute to another retirement vehicle?
I think it’s extremely important to discuss money and personal finances before tying the knot. Both people must be on the same page before making vows to spend eternity together.
Being open is key! Although opposites attract, I don’t think I could be with someone who spent their whole paycheck and didn’t save money. Actually I KNOW I couldn’t. While couples will have different interests, it is a much smoother ride if they share the same goals such as retiring early, or funding a child’s education, or saving to take on a more enjoyable lower paying career.
I think , and the studies prove, that a very large percentage of divorces are because of money issues.
I am lucky that my wife and I are on the same page. We are savers. We live nicely today and we put aside enough so we can live comfortably tomorrow as well.
The saying ” happy wife, happy life” applies to money too. So if you are on different money paths….. its not good.
Regarding intimacy and money—there is no question they are closely related.
We’ve been fortunate, and have very little [financial] stress. We’ve always been open with each other about money. We are also aligned, my wife is more frugal than I am, but I fall into an acceptable status with her when it comes to money. We’re aligned in our goals, and we’re open with each other. And We’re lucky we haven’t had to work hard to get there.
I can’t say that financial stresses have affected any of my romantic relationships, primarily because of a lack of romantic relationships. That’s one way to save money on dates, gifts, etc and avoid the stress of dealing with finances.
In a hypothetical scenario, though, I would like to mirror what I’ve seen works for my parents. They are both committed to living below their means, they tally all their spending once a week by collecting their receipts and make sure it squares up with their accounts, have a set schedule of when credit cards are paid off to avoid checking account overdrafts, and they’re just generally very open with each other about money.
I’m admittedly pretty bad when it comes to social interaction, and seeing them act this way probably makes me too trusting that people have financial common sense, but I cannot wrap my head why people let money, of all things, ruin their relationships.
My now-ex spent like a drunken sailor and this caused me constant stress and worry. I’d pinch pennies and make do, and he’d just keep spending. Gah.
Years after my divorce I am in a committed relationship with a man who is as frugal as I am. Thank goodness!
We never fight about money because we have the same ideas about spending: totally worth it for what’s important but totally avoidable for most things.
I wrote about this very topic for Get Rich Slowly:
https://www.getrichslowly.org/voluntarily-slashed-salary/
My spouse and I are on the same page about finances. We got married young and, looking back, I think most of this unity was more understood than expressed. So in some ways I feel like we “lucked out” in this area. But as our financial goals have changed with time and age, we’ve found it helpful to discuss matters during non-stressful and often kid-free moments. So as dorky as it might sound to discuss money a date, we do! Getting on the same page and being proactive is helpful for harmony in this area.
My wife and I are frugal and my wife really understands me in investing for the future. She wasn’t like this before but constant communication really worked.
Cheers!
BeSmartRich
My husband and I have completely different attitudes when it comes to spending and saving. Hubby is frugal, I’m far from it. Fortunately, we have similar long term goals and have learned to compromise on many things which has led to a balance between spending and saving that works for us.
I think I’m really fortunate to have a spouse who is on the same page when it comes to money. He is not one to spend frivolously. In spite of this, early in our relationship we still struggled over the topic of money. I was surprised that he had no concept of shopping for deals (sales, off-season vacations, free mileage accruals etc). And he was annoyed by my tendency to eat out. In spite of this, we’re both good at saving money overall. Since I am extremely price sensitive and obsess over investments and attaining financial independence, I take the lead in making financial decisions. We negotiate on all large purchases(for example, international flights to see my in-laws). I’m very intent on shopping for the best deals and using the “right” cash back credit card for each purchase. Our finances are completely merged so we always know exactly what’s going on.