Should you give money to your adult children?
This week’s reader question is an example of why I love the “ask the readers” feature here at Get Rich Slowly. I get to write about situations that otherwise would never occur to me!
Karen writes because she’s having trouble with two of her kids:
I keep getting sucked into helping two of our children who can’t seem to get it together. I don’t want to see them on the street but they keep making dumb mistakes. What do you do when faced with a kid going to prison for lack of funds to pay fines? What about a different kid who is at risk of becoming homeless? This is tough to watch. (I really prefer dogs!) When does helping a family member financially become enabling? Or is it always enabling?
I find this situation fascinating because there’s a disconnect between my general advice about giving money to adult children and my specific advice for Karen.
Why You Shouldn’t Give Money to Adult Children
My standard advice is: Don’t help your kids financially. Doing so harms both you and your kids. A decade of reading about money and hundreds of conversations with parents have brought me to this conclusion: Giving adult children financial support is, generally speaking, a bad idea.
Some people don’t want to hear this, especially coming from me. (I have no children, so that disqualifies my advice in the eyes of some folks…as if it’s impossible to recognize that a person has a broken bone if you’ve never had one yourself!)
But it’s not just my opinion. In The Millionaire Next Door [my review], authors Thomas Stanley and William Danko devote two entire chapters — 69 pages! — to “economic outpatient care“, the substantial financial gifts some parents give their adult children (and grandchildren). Their research indicates that “the more dollars adult children receive, the fewer they accumulate, while those who are given fewer dollars accumulate more”.
The authors note that some forms of economic outpatient care, including subsidizing an education and funding business ventures, have a strong positive influence on the recipients. (They teach the children “how to fish”.) But most financial assistance simply creates a cycle of dependence:
What is the effect of cash gifts that are knowingly ear-marked for consumption and the propping up of a certain lifestyle? We find that the giving of such gifts is the single most significant factor that explains lack of productivity among the adult children of the affluent.
Stanley and Danko write about four specific ways in which cash gifts to adult children create problems:
- Giving encourages more consumption than saving and investing. In particular, Stanley and Danko warn about gifts of house down payments.
- Gift receivers in general never fully distinguish between their wealth and the wealth of their gift-giving parents. They believe they are entitled to the things their parents have, and feel resentment if the wealth is given to somebody else.
- Gift receivers are significantly more dependent on credit than are non-receivers. They use credit in order to sustain their lifestyle of consumption between gifts.
- Receivers of gifts invest much less money than do non-receivers. The authors claim that gift receivers are “hyperconsumers”, only thinking of now. They have come to expect that their financial needs will be met by their parents, so they don’t plan for the future.
I’ve known people who received financial assistance from their parents or grandparents. Most of these people have struggled with money in some way. They spent too much. They didn’t feel the need to take a job. They put off making financial decisions because there was no need to do so. One time, for instance, I had an affluent friend who received a $25,000 gift from his grandparents. Rather than invest the money, he bought himself a new car. (There was nothing wrong with his old car.)
Obviously, not everyone who receives financial assistance from their parents will fall into this trap. But accepting such gifts often leads to trouble.
Note: There’s another downside too. When parents give money to an adult child, they’re compromising their own financial health. They’re sacrificing saving for retirement (or other goals), which means they’re hurting themselves as well as their kids! In my own life right now, I’m watching as two different sets of parents struggle to make ends meet because they’re giving up money they need for themselves in order to help children who are perfectly capable of providing for themselves — except they were never encouraged to leave the nest.
What If Your Kid Will End Up Homeless?
Now, having said all this, what about Karen’s situation? She has one child who is at risk of going to prison because she (or he) hasn’t paid some fines. The other is at risk of ending up homeless. Should Karen simply sit back and allow her children to suffer?
I’ve had two weeks to think about this question. Some days, I feel as if there’s no way Karen should let her kids go to jail or end up homeless. Other days, I feel like she should absolutely let them experience the consequences of their actions. Most of the time, however, I feel like this is a tough call and not something a stranger can decide.
So, I tried to practice some financial empathy. I ask myself what I would do if I were in Karen’s shoes. What if I did have kids? What if they made some stupid-ass choices? (That’s how Karen described her kids when she wrote to me, which cracks me up.)
Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do. I have no clue what the right decision is in this situation.
What do you think? Is it always a parent’s duty to protect their children, even when they’re adults? If you ended up in jail because you did something dumb with money, would you expect your parents to bail you out? If you were at risk of becoming homeless, would it be your mom and dad’s responsibility to help you? What’s the right choice here? Is there one?
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There are 126 comments to "Should you give money to your adult children?".
I think she should let them suffer the natural consequences of their actions. If you keep rescuing them, they won’t learn.
I say this as the mom of three teenage boys who have been rescued by their dad out of various situations where the life lesson would have really benefitted them.
I absolutely agree with Heartless. My late husband was an enabler and he gave money to his son throughout his adult life. His son spent more money than he made, period! After multiple times of giving money, I told my husband he was enabling his son to be irresponsible and that his son would continue to accumulate debt because he knows you will bail him out. My husband just could not let his son “suffer.” My husband passed from cancer in 2016, and I never heard a word from my stepson (40 now) until he texted 1.5 months ago asking for money. He wasn’t asking for the usual few thousand dollars but $175,000 which he stated would set him up for life. He felt that he deserved this money as his inheritance (his father left everything to me, as is typical of married couples). More absurd that the amount requested was that he stated he needed the money for current debt as well as potential future expenses, such as car maintenance, vet bills, educational classes, down payment on a house, etc. He was basically saying that he had no plan nor intention of better managing his finances and expected to be in debt throughout his future. I ruminated on this absurd request and consulted with family members, all of whom said don’t give him a dime, as well as my therapist who thought the request was ridiculous, before I responded via email. I told him that while his father was an enabler, I am not. And that each time his father gave him money, he was treating him like an irresponsible child. And that had his father refused to give him money, then he would have been treating him like an adult and forcing him to become fiscally responsible. I further told him that it is not my nor his father’s role to “set him up for life,” and if his father had forced him to become fiscally responsible, then maybe he would already be set for life. I did tell him that I would help with his root canals, as that is a health issue, and his father had that as well. But, I told him that he must forward to me the paperwork from the insurance company showing what they paid and what he owes, and I will then write a check to the dentist office. I did also tell him that it is long past time for him to grow up and this is how he grows up: (1) Stop spending more money than you make. (2) If you find yourself in debt, work overtime or get a second job. Your life, your debt, your responsibility. (I did not tell him the following, but in my early twenties I had unexpected extraordinary expenses. I did not call my dad for money. My job did not afford overtime, so I took a part-time job to pay off the debt and rebuild my savings.) ENABLING (out of misguided love) IS THE WORST THING A PARENT CAN DO TO A CHILD. ENABLING DISABLES THE CHILD/ADULT.
You’re his stepmother so most people aren’t surprised you aren’t giving him his inheritance.
This is absurd, his inheritance? I believe he got “his” inheritance all this adult life. I bet you were one of these dead beat kids that expected to be “set up for life” as well right?
Sounds like he has been “given” plenty. She’s not obligated to give that 40-year old entitled man-child squat.
You are defending him, so most people here aren’t surprised that you’re probably a bitter spoiled man with entitlement issues whose parents stopped financially enabling you at, oh…40-ish?
His inheritance? His father didn’t leave him an inheritance. Had his father wanted to leave him an inheritance he would have. No one owes this deadbeat loser son anything. It’s ridiculous that he thinks he has something coming. He didn’t earn it.
if she wants to give him an inheritance, the appropriate time would be at her passing That’s usually the way it goes for our children and inheritance.
It’s not “his” inheritance. People get to decide to whom they leave their hard-earned money and in most cases, all marital assets are left to the surviving spouse. Which is as it should be.
you wouldn’t dare speak to your own mother in such a way. Had your father passed you would never question her finances or expect to inherit it. A step mother is still a woman mourning her husband. She is his half. The half that is alive still. Until the whole parent has passed the parent still owns the parents own money. Two halves make a whole. I’m sorry your parents didn’t explain that to you.
Sharon, you are telling my story. All his life, my 45-year-old son has hit us up for money. He has a college degree, an excellent personality, had great success in sales early on–until he decided every boss is an ignorant asshole who has no idea how to run a business. Consequently, of course, he is chronically unemployed. His wife left him with their children several years ago but continues to pay all the expenses at their home. His dad always gave him money. I was the hard liner; dad was the soft touch. I’m talking many, many thousands to finance business ventures, pay off debts, etc. It’s always the SOLUTION to all his problems! The SURE THING for future financial security! Well, dad passed two months ago. He was asking me for money AT THE HOSPITAL while his dad lay dying in the ICU. He doesn’t know how much money his dad left, but he knows it’s substantial, and he will not let up on me. He has this “dream” opportunity–never mind he has no business plan, no infrastructure, no anything–and has obligated himself to a $10K a month office space, plus utilities, plus phone and internet, plus insurance, plus equipment, and so forth. And yesterday told me he has not a dollar to his name. His car is out of insurance, he has outstanding traffic tickets, his power is about to be cut off (in the $700,000 house his wife pays for), a litany of woes, like he’s never known how living expenses work. I gave him $700 to buy food and gas. I told him there will be NO MORE MONEY. He knows what his dad’s social security check will be each month, and my retirement, and that my health insurance is over $800 a month out of that. I’ve met with both our financial advisor and our accountant so I know I won’t really run out of money (unless the economy tanks and I lose my investments) but dammit, his dad and I worked our asses off for over 40 years to plan for a comfortable retirement. My son is mentally ill, I’m convinced, but there again, won’t get help for that. Last year we told him we would give him $10,000 if he would stay in therapy for six months. He had a miraculous healing and didn’t need help any more! (His report.) There are two other children involved and I’m willing to help them because they actually help themselves. But not for somebody who thinks he’s too good, too smart, too special, to go out and work for a living like everybody else. I’m venting, but it is wearing me down. I had such an anxiety attack yesterday that I had to just get him off the phone. I have never been an anxious person, but this coming on the heels of losing my husband so abruptly and cruelly is like hell. I feel cracks in my resolve about every hour, but I cannot let him do this to me.
No means no. Be empowered and make your own decisions!
This could be my story. We are a blended family and my husband’s son is the problem. We have bailed out his failing business several times, given money to keep him out of jail, and he is in trouble again. He has been given thousands of dollars and now needs 20000 more to avoid jail. This is causing trouble in my marriage. My husband is 73 and I am 62. I don’t want to work forever just to keep bailing him out and still have money to retire. Oh yeh, my husband has dementia too. I also have two sons that are being left out.
OMG Linda, omg omg omg. I’m giving my daughter 1/3 of my pension right now and all I have asked is for a little appreciation from her and her partner. Instead I am sitting here feeling so foolish so unloved so unappreciated. Background, I became a single parent when my kids were 4 and 2 approx. Their father was a selfemployed engineer deadbeat dad including lacking in visitations even when the kids visited they fessed later. I hve always put my kids first, making up for the fact that I was the one who initiated the divorce. Today, now through my daughter’s actions I am realizing I have been a sucker, not meaning to be their martyr, absolver of all their wrongs even though its only been of late financially I am now her enabler. She, my baby, found a lump and it went from being diagnosed as breast cancer to Stage 4 metacasized with a very short life expectancy so she has been fighting holistically for the past year. I’m allowed no input as to her health care options. Holistic iss not cheap, so I began helping as she cannot work. But we go from great 4 hour phone conversations and visits to phone calls leaving me feeling high anxiety over her telling me how unsupportive as a mother I am! I find her choice of words confuxing and very hurtful. Then I get to deal with her partner’s obnoxious condescending attitude. 40 years old their mistakes are theirs but they know it all but expect me to offset their financial woes. My dilemna is her diagnosis has me over a barrel. I don’t want her to not be able to get better but then again, I also want to be treated with some appreciation. That seems to be asking too much. I hate life right now!, and I do not look forward to doing what I know I must do.
We have a 30-something daughter that has actually lied about having serious illnesses to get money over the years. She had 3 (elective) surgeries (she didn’t say they were elective of course) and we were worried and covered her rent for months. Starting at 18 and in college (which she never finished) up to 32 I guesstimate we’ve given her 25k (that is probably lowballing it). She has never had her own place, finds roommates which she eventually leaves financially ruined. We did not raise her spoiled, she saw us working hard and saving, etc. When she got to college she had an affluent roommate with a no-limit credit card from her parents and I think that’s when things went south for our daughter. Now she’s in crisis again, 2500 miles across country, and wants to come home “temporarily.” We’re in our 60’s, stress-related health issues and once again, I am battling sleepless nights.
So, what if they admit something is mentally wrong with them and they are on the brink of suicide?
Sharon, kudos to you for having the backbone to not be an enabler. Give a man a fish he eats for a day. Teach him to fish he eats for life. If his dad had wanted to leave him an inheritance, it would have been in his will. I myself am struggling with a relationship of my 26 year old step son. He has been battling drug issues and is not financially responsible. I haven’t heard from him in over a year after I had a family meeting and told everyone to not help him with money. He now states he is clean but is again asking for money because he is homeless.
I have mentioned in the past to get another job as I had done out of college to make ends meet. His response, I’m not you, I’m not going to do that. Well then sir you suffer at your own choices. What makes things worse is my ex wife claims I am a horrible father, but in my opinion she is at fault as she is still enabling him along with her mother. If you don’t end the cycle they will never live on their own.
Very clear he has a spending issue and maybe a gambling addiction (a disease) by the sounds of it. What if you wait Until he commits suicide due to the lack of financial stability? That’s a very real possibility. Many people would pick death over being homeless. Tell me, what is the correct answer if it comes down to life vs death?
No one is responsible for someone else’s decision to commit suicide. To threaten suicide when one doesn’t get their way is nothing but childish, manipulative emotional blackmail. This is a grown adult who is making his own, irresponsible decisions and who is not entitled to perpetual support. Based on what Sharon posted, he is an awful, entitled person and he is lucky she is willing to even help pay for his dental bills.
Every kid is different tho so while some may look at it as a mistake & jus want a free bail out & some look at it as a close call & lesson learned & may not need or deserve to suffer thru the consequences..
I don’t think parents should support their child or give handouts once they reach 18 or 21. We never asked our parents for a single penny. We knew they had hardships. Kids now think they are entitled, not realizing that parents shouldn’t work till they die. Just to give their money to their kids.
Weren’t houses like $100k tho? and college was a tenth of the price it is now stfu lol
Yeah, and minimum wage back then was 2.35 an hour. We also didn’t have the scholarship programs that kids have today or the internet to breeze through school. We had to share one phone because no one had cell phones back then or computers, so we had to go to the library and hope that the book we wanted to check out for our term paper wasn’t already being borrowed. I know how rough you kids have it now!!!! Our life was a breeze!!
Oh, and being old, I forgot about the part where if you couldn’t afford college back then, you couldn’t go. No enabling parents to give us money every month because we were spoiled rotten, selfish, entitled little assholes. They told us to suck it up and get a job.
The last time minimum wage was 2.35 an hour in USA was in ’77. The inflation rate since then is 347% making that 2.35 worth about $9 today. The cost of cars/homes/education/fresh groceries has increased exponentially, well outpacing today’s federal minimum wage of $7.25. People today make less and are forced to spend more on the same necessities. Don’t complain about heaven to the damned.
I actually have accounts for each of my children. Any mistakes, crimes etc they cause will come out if these accounts. When they are each 25 and I can legally hand over the accounts to them, I will give them whatever balance remains. How they chose to use that money will determine weather they got their inheritance up front or if there will be more when their mother and I pass. We aren’t even in the teens yet and they don’t know they have something coming yet. Ill tell them about it maybe when they turn 15ish.
I have a friend who has been financially subsidized by her parents, her entire life. She is now almost 60 and her father worked until he was 82 years old. Just to help her out financially. Her parents are not at all rich people. In fact lower middle class. Every month they give her large sums of money to pay for her groceries, mortgage, etc. Yet every year she goes on extravagant vacations. I can understand if she went on a local vacation. Like camping. The beach or a amusement park. Instead she goes on trips to Europe etc. Always traveling first class.
This is a tough one. Academically, you shouldn’t enable your children, but I wouldn’t be able to follow that in real life. I would do what I can to keep my kid out of jail or going homeless.
However, she’ll have to cut it off at some point if this is a chronic thing. It’s hard. Hopefully, this is not due to drugs because the stories seem to keep going downhill.
Hopefully, our kid will learn to keep himself out of trouble…
I like your response. My adult son every week is needing money. I have managed to get the amount down some but it’s every week. His wife does not work. Won’t get a job. She says he don’t want her to work . My husband who is not his father gets mad at me for giving in. I think he is being unfair to me.
Why is your ‘ adult ‘ son who has a wife obtain get or receive money from a parent on a regular basis. This is not acceptable!
Is it your husband or your son who is being unfair to you? I appreciate this is a difficult issue emotionally, it can be gut wrenching, but please do consider that you may be, no, ARE crippling your son and keeping both he and his wife from wrestling with reality. Is it his “pride” as the husband that doesn’t want his wife to work? If that is so, where is his “pride” when it comes to asking his mother for a weekly allowance as an adult and married man?
As an adult child who has been on the other end of this cycle of dependence, I can say that my father did me no favors by trying to “help” me financially. I would have been better off going to public aid services where they have programs to put one on a track to self-sufficiency. It was my “pride” (and knowing his disapproval of such things) that kept me from taking this more constructive route to my future. Indeed, it kept me from constructing my own future.
Perhaps you can help your son “bite the bullet” by giving him (if you can afford it) a month or 6 weeks of “allowances” in one sum, making it quite clear that this is the last monies you will be giving him and that he and his wife will now need to plan accordingly – whether it’s food stamps, public assistance, job fairs, 12-step Debtors Anon programs or Underachievers Anon. It may not be easy, it may be gut wrenching for you as well as him, fur and panic may fly, but in the end I believe at some point he will thank you, in his heart if not to your face, for allowing him to get his feet solidly under him. I fear otherwise you are enabling him to court his own disaster.
All I can say is OMG. Stop that insanity. You are enabling.
I used to know this wealthy, tough old business owner back in the early 90’s who had two f-up adult kids. We were discussing them one day, and he said, “They will either grow up or die on the streets.” Well, I watched them both grow up and become really responsible people. On the other hand, there have been two other adults I’ve observed over the years who have received large hand-outs from parents every year — one doesn’t even bother to work or get a job, though does pretty well in life otherwise. The other one doesn’t have a job either but is a raging alcoholic who is in and out of jail all the time for drunk driving.
Play baseball! 3 strikes you’re out. My parents helped me 3 times and that was it. Had to stand on my own 2 feet. Hated my parents, hated my sibs, hated myself, hated my job, hated my friends etcetcetc
But I did it. Have wife, 2 college educated kids, home with 10 left on mortgage and money in 501c3 account. I work for a non-profit. This is 30 years later and looking back.
I agree mostly. However, I do not want my son to start his life with a huge debt. I will contribute towards his college, though I will not pay the entire sum. He should have enough motivation to finish, and do well.
If we both (or atleast one of us) live as much as the life expectancy, he will not be too young to get whatever we leave behind. In the best case scenario, he would be financially independent by then. We will probably leave most of the money to charity.
It is the in between case that is difficult. I don’t think I will have any peace of mind if he is starving, and I am not. I don’t want to ruin his chances of succeeding at life by handing out money as well.
I’m in my 30s and my parents give us large sums of money on a regular basis. It’s never asked for an it’s never expected. We received a five figure sum to help move an adoption process along, we received a small four figure sum to help with the testing that wasn’t covered by insurance that determined we wouldn’t be able to have biological kids, we received another amount of money to contribute towards the purchase of a house. We’ve probably received well over 100,000 from my family over our adult lives and that doesn’t include the cars (we get their old ones when they buy new ones), family trips they’ve paid for us to go on, and so on.
But here’s the deal:
My parents are not going into debt for these things, they are financially sound with a high net worth. They taught us the value of work and how to plan with money – my spouse and I have never been unemployed or carried debt since we left college and we are on our way to being high net worth individuals.
Also, the things that we’ve done have aligned with their values (buy a home, have kids sooner than later, we continue to practice the religion we were both raised in and hold the same core financial values as well) and they are not “bank of mom and dad” to us – they give when they see we could use a boost. Since I left high school, I have never approached them for money, it has always just been offered.
For example, when we were walking through the adoption process and saving up for the final payment we needed my parents came over with a check and said “This is a gift for you – you can use it any way you want but we hope you’ll use this for the adoption process because we really want to support what you’re doing and are looking forward to grandkids! It’s a win/win for you and for us if you’ll use it for that!” I asked my mom about it later and she said she could think of no better way to spend that money and the emotional return on investment was completely worth it and she is happy she did it every time she looks at our kids. Also, it was a small percentage of their net worth comparatively… it would have been a huge percentage of ours at the time.
And…the kicker? They never hold any of this over our heads or use this as a guilt trip. We could never take the money if it came with emotional strings attached.
We are in a similar situation. My parents paid for college for me and bought me my first car, and then I went out, got a job, and took care of myself going forward (I’m in my late 30s now). I never dreamed of mooching off them, I couldn’t wait to be independent. In my 20s my grandparents, before they passed away, regularly gifted me (and the other grandchildren) with $12k at a time (part of their estate planning). I don’t know what the others did with their gifts, but I have always been extremely careful with money so I saved/invested the money, ultimately using it on a downpayment on my first home purchase (which was reasonably-priced and sized).
There have been other gifts from my parents here and there along the way to help with certain important things (like contributions toward my young children’s 529 plans), but these gifts have not been expected/asked for. When my parents give, it is always with love, not guilt, and these gifts are much appreciated by my husband and me and used for their intended purpose.
Interestingly, the biggest gift that my parents give me on a regular basis is their time. The older child is in public school and the younger is in full-time daycare. But, my parents almost always meet the bus in the afternoon and pick up the younger child at daycare, then spend that 4-6 p.m. timeslot playing with the kids. It is the BIGGEST possible gift. Yes, the older child is old enough to come home and entertain herself at this point, and we could leave the little one in daycare for a longer day, but there is nothing like regular time with grandparents. When I look ahead, I want very much to put my kids through college debt-free, and to provide at least a certain amount of childcare for them (assuming that either or both have kids).
The key to all of this is that we all have a healthy relationship first with each other, and then with money, so I want to chime in with the previous commenter that, while perhaps rare, this situation IS possible.
Ellie,
my parents are also a lot like yours. They even offer us their old cars every time they buy new ones – (we even took them up on it once and insisted on paying them whatever we got for the car that we sold and we’ve been driving our “discount corolla” for the last decade 🙂
I think a big thing is that we never ask, and we often don’t take the money when they offer it. It has made me feel better the couple of times I accepted the money – and we only accepted when it really came in handy (a few K to put towards daycare when my husband was finishing his PhD).
There can also be mitigating circumstances when it is about our parents’ piece of mind. My younger brother has severe depression and OCD and while he has maintained employment for several years, his 20s were really shaky until he got the right combination of meds figured out. My parents paid off my brothers’ mortgage on a small, sensible house and it made them feel better knowing that he would always have a place to live. It improved their quality of life to pay off his mortgage.
But as with you and others – my parents aren’t going into debt to do this.
Thank you for this! We too are in a similar situation and it irks me to no end that people think it can’t be done. My parents have loaned both me and my brother money (they hold our mortgages) and it is an official loan with interest and reported to the IRS. They earn more interest than a bank would give them. We pay less interest than we would on a traditional loan. They don’t hold it over us and they don’t want us paying it off early as it benefits them.
They have also gifted money at times for things they want us to have (more in the college savings accounts for the grandkids) and they also give the gift of time by spending it with the grandkids once a week after school. None of this negatively affects their net worth (they actually “make” more money than they can spend at this point with RMDs and we know that much of their wealth is going to charity when they are gone) and it makes them happy to spend as much as they can while they are living doing things that help the family as a whole.
It is not always “economic outpatient care” when parents give money to an adult child. Sometimes it is what makes the most sense business wise and family wise.
Having said all of that, wow. Karen is in a tough position. I was raised knowing that if I made such stupid choices, my parents would NOT bail me out of jail. And they probably would have let me go homeless. Boundaries have always existed for good reason. I think Karen might need to practice some tough love knowing that it will help them grow up.
Wow this totally makes sense.. I understand each and every child
( I need to learn this) needs to learn from themselves and have consequences for their own actions as resulting in losing everything if the fall pick them up, later let them pick themselves up. They’ve got to learn it is their own responsibility to make sure all is ok . Some parents don’t( can’t ) have the ability to teach their children what needs to be taught.. Children learn what they live whether or not they forgo the responsibility to carry on.. I believe this, ,, but very hard to practice what I preach with this instance cause you don’t what to see your kids fail, buttt if we continue to enable them , they will continue to fall!! Proof shown
Eek, what a tough question.
On one hand I don’t think Karen should help. It’s her kids that got themselves into that spot, and helping may just mean that both Karen AND her kids are in a tough spot down the road. At some point you’ve got to let people make their own mistakes.
On the other, it’s her kids…and anyone being homeless or going to prison for something like that would be something I can imagine any parent would want to prevent.
I don’t know what I’d do…
Not really tricky for me…
Parents should support their children while they´re growing up. And (if possible) during their first education to get a job.
After that they have to stand on their own feet – with all consequences.
Without taking the consequences of their actions they won´t learn anything…
Parents have to have a kind of self-loving-feeling – they are not responsible for the lives of their adult children.
Can be tough, but thats my feeling.
I’ve done prison ministry. I think there are more folks out there who were not bailed out financially by parents and left to serve their time (or live a while in a homeless shelter) who would say they learned valuable life lessons and are better for the experience than there are folks who can say their parents’ constantly bailing them out financially made them better/more responsible people!
Is this a “first time offense”? If this is NOT the first time (for either of them), then no way would I bail them out. If it is a first time thing, I would bail them out, but they would have to agree to pay me back, they would have to agree to some “life” classes and/or therapy (something that can help prevent this in the future) and it would be very clear that I would not be bailing them out again.
Me again, I guess I should also add, I have no kids as well, so there is that. And to add to J.D.’s last set of questions:
“If you ended up in jail because you did something dumb with money, would you expect your parents to bail you out?”: Nope. I would be too ashamed to even tell them!
“If you were at risk of becoming homeless, would it be your mom and dad’s responsibility to help you?”: Depends on the circumstances: if it was because i was a reject with money, no way. If it was because both my husband and I were completely incapacitated and all accounts & insurance drained, then maybe?
I agree. We just loaned our son money for a lawyer b/c he got a dui, license suspended, and may have to face some jail time. He has made several destructive choices over the past few years, but never needs $$ or a lawyer. We said only this once will we help. we set up a draft on his bank account to pay us back over his next 4 paychecks. His license is suspended for 6 mo. So he said he is selling his car because he won’t be able to afford his car insurance. We said we will loan $$ this time, but will not and cannot throw our hard earned money after his destructive actions. He says he is ready to is turn his life around. Time will tell.
My brother put my parents in similar situation. They bailed him out many times, and they did not bail him out many times, neither worked. But what I would say, depending on the record the child would end up with, I would bail him out once. A felony can irreparably harm a persons future, a misdemeanor not so much. If this is drugs, good luck.
Do you think it would make a difference if our children appreciated our efforts? I have made the last two car payments and helped my daughter with car repairs. She owes me about $2,000. I have tried to give her sound advice on budgeting and saving money but she isn’t really grasping on to the concept as of yet. I am on the car loan with her, another bad idea. I have given her two weeks to either come up with the money she owes for the last car payment I made or I will have to take the car. She acts like I owe it to her and seems bitter about her situation, as if it’s my fault. I do not want to continue this pattern and I want to enforce the decision and arrangement I have made.
Depends on what you’re helping with. Education, downpayment on a home, fine, as long as they’re responsible people. Bail for not paying traffic tickets? Tough. Other kid has no job? Too bad.
She needs to talk to each kid separately, adult to adult. I’d be more inclined to provide non-money help, like letting the almost-homeless kid move back home. But it wouldn’t be free. Nominal rent would be charged and a chore schedule would be worked out. If I could afford it, I would save the nominal rent and let him use it as a security deposit on an apartment. He/she would also know this is a one-shot, limited-time offer. Take it or leave it.
In the other situation, I’d try to sit down with the kid, again adult to adult, and find out why these fines weren’t paid. If I had to put out money, I’d expect to be paid back, and there’d be a budget and payment plan in place before the check was written. And I’d probably write the check directly to the agency that leveled the fines. The bank of mom and dad would behave like a bank. Again, this is a one-time offer.
Disclosure: My young adult son is currently living at home and pays most of his bills on his own. He doesn’t pay rent (not a burden, really) and we pay for his phone.
My husband has always been overly generous to his two now adult daughters, 57 and 60, He was a widower when I met him , we have been married 19 years. He has sold part of the farm he grew up on and gave them 60,000.00 each, which we paid the taxes on. They received it as a “gift” so they paid no tax on it.
Now he is terminally ill, they visit and go out and get food for him once or twice a week. He even wants me to give them money to replace what they spend on his favorite snacks and burgers,etc.
This man worked two jobs while his children were in school. They both have bachelor’s degrees and one has a Masters in education. One holds down a job the barely pays her bills, the other stopped teaching full time years ago and now does artsy craftsy stuff to sell.
The older underemployed one calls her Father and says things like she needs new tires or a new battery for her car knowing he will send her a check. They are very hostile toward me because they realize i’m not a soft touch like their Father. Now I’m holding the purse strings, they are livid.
I have been there in both situations with my kids. The one I said she could come live with me but only under the condition she is enrolled in college or tech school to further her education. Otherwise I would have left her lose her appt She knew i would do it too.
My son, got a DUI – I left him in Jail. He needed to wait to get out cover all of his costs – It set him back quite a ways but what do you teach them if you do it all for them?
I agree with the comments above. The only thing I’ll add is that kids (and people in general) like to know what to expect in the future. If she does decide to bail them out, it’d be a relatively easy decision to tell them that she loves them and that this is the last time. They are on their own afterward.
At that point, they know what to expect, and can plan (or not plan) accordingly. Tough place to be in. I wish her the best
I am someone with chronic medical conditions: Chronic Lyme disease, chronic gastritis, and Type II diabetes that has killed my pancreas. Watching my diet and exercising has not helped me avoid being on insulin.
I work full time, work a part-time job, do overtime when I can, though it causes a bad pain flareup that I have to push through, and some days, can not.
I have $10000 in medical debt from surgeries, going to multiple doctors to rule out MS and Lupus, I have symptoms of both, until diagnosed with Chronic Lyme that mimics autoimmune diseases.
I’ve completely changed my diet to lessen bad days, and go to chiropractor and acupuncture clinic to stop muscle tremors and relieve nerve pain.
Unfortunately, my expenses out outweigh my expenses in. I have taken out loans to help pay off credit card debt that I used to pay my deductibles with to have surgery that was unavoidable.
My parents have helped me out with $1000 pmt one time. I have debated on filing bankruptcy to get a ‘start over’ for medical debt, but my parents chose to ‘bail me out’ with 10K instead, let me know what it cost them to do so, and that it was the last time. I have worked with a consumer counseling agency to budget my funds, will take classes as needed, and curb what I can with spending. I am very grateful to my parents, appreciate their help, but not expecting it. I know now what a hardship it is on them, and want to pay them back, but so far, they don’t want me to, just want me to be financially sound on my own. I don’t know what the future holds for me health-wise, hopefully, I will be around long enough to see retirement. I have no children, only a dog, and she is sick, too. I have decided, after she’s gone, to be pet free for several years so I can curb further expenses.
I went through some medical issues and my husband lost his job at the same time. This depleted our savings pretty quickly. My parents loaned me a few grand so I wouldn’t have to borrow from my retirement accounts. My father has a strong pension after working for the state and my mother is currently working. Their finances are healthy. I’ll pay them back and it’s no big deal. I think it’s very situational.
Would help SOME with college. Would help once or maybe twice with the other situations. That’s it. Other family members and I used to help an irresponsible relative. After a few years we stopped. It took him a few painful years, but he became responsible once he realized the free ride was over .
Don’t give money to adults (they’re NOT kids and thinking of them as kids is part of the problem).
If they are to the point of homelessness or jail then there is no way for her to help. That’s pathological behavior and a cash infusion isn’t what they need. It’s buying bandaids for a cutter, someone who injurs themselves. I have seen this play out in my husband’s family with both his mom and his sister. We know as soon as the money runs out from his grandfather’s inheritance they will be turning to us. And we have discussed what we’re obligated and what we’re willing to do. On the other end, we already talk to our kids about the change in lifestyle they will experience when they become adults. It’s also part of the reason we don’t have a higher lifestyle than we otherwise could.
Both the prospect of jail and homelessness is emotional blackmail. My sister in law used to threaten her mom with those, plus that she would prostitute herself without a cash infusion (and she eventually did anyway). She also used her kids for blackmail when she had them (“my kids will be homeless too!”). It’s horrible and painful and I don’t take it lightly. Fees that send you to jail are criminal in nature and there are a lot of steps before homelessness. They likely both have substance abuse problems and/or mental illness. But while that’s heart breaking i still don’t think giving your kids money is good in most situations (unsolicited gifts, even large ones are usually okay once they settle into adulthood). You are allowing them to drag out their illnesses without getting the real help they need. You’re treating symptoms and at the risk of your own financial (and emotional) health.
There are 2 things I would pay for: food and therapy. And those are paid directly. No “cash for” and trusting them. After they have turned things around, likely at least a year later, I would consider a small directed cash or property gift as a boost if I could afford it. Something like a grocery gift card or even a small item of transportation (depending on the situation) such as a bike or even old beater. But the spirit is of a boost to someone already climbing from nothing, not support for someone who keeps jumping off a ladder.
Give them what they need, not what they ask for.
This is a good one and I agree. I have a step daughter and daughter that have been in this boat. Always asking for money. If it is for food, ok, but not to help you out of a bind or what ever you did to get fired. One has been in jail for not appearing in court, the other in rehab. We paid for rehab, but not bail. Warned her to show up to court several times and she ignored it, hoping it would just go away. Well we are taking care of her son right now, while she lives with guy to guy and in her car. She is an alcoholic and pathological liar. Gets drunk and calls telling us how much she cares and loves us for taking care of her son, but never calls her son to talk. Bottom line, we help if it is truly helpful only. The other daughter tries to get money for rent, car, bills etc all the time, but we say no and she still gets by.
You speak from a very narrow, “sheltered” viewpoint, ( like many do, whom have never really lived, or known the other side of things from which you grew up ) I have known many homeless, and/or convicted criminal types, as I have been on the street, ( however I have never been arrested, or even had so much as a misdemeanor ) I come from a VERY professional family background, many of those on the street have serious drug/alcohol/mental issues, but many DO NOT , what got them there, or keeps them there are sometimes very tragic, or unfortunate personal situations, many people are actually quite blind to how much help, and support they have received throughout their lives from family, or spouses, etc, they truly take for granted enormous amounts of help. ( I am speaking from having personally known, and seen friends in these situations, and of course most claim to have earned the things they have from blood, sweat , and tears, and backbreaking labor, when in reality they have worked very little, to none, and have things that some work their entire life , and can still not afford.
I lost my mother when I was 18, she had been seriously ill for 3 years, causing much upheaval in the family, and although I had been working since I was 16 , I was still in the carefree, crazy teen years, not thinking about serious “adult” things like career, and money, etc. A few months after she passed away my father moved his new girlfriend ( soon to be wife ) into our home, she had no children, and was jealous, and did not care for me, nor my sister, so we were kicked out of house, so at 18 , with very little money, and no where to go, and not a clue as to how to make enough to live on, ended up in my car, I learned to become self sustaining, and how to get by, but not having family around, or a spouse to help out , I yo’yo’d up , and down, sometimes doing fairly well, other times hitting bottom, and have never turned to alcohol, drugs, or crime, but have hit bottom, and lived homeless, or in a vehicle, I have lived by the “you make your bed, you lye in it” rule , but I often have wondered what life would have been like if things had not happened the way they did when i was younger, of course i also realize a lot have it way worse than I have, but the smug attitudes of ppl like you, that dismiss anyone that ends up homeless, or in jail, as having “pathological” problems makes me sick, especially considering you probably had quite a bit of support from a spouse, or family during your lifetime.
So I have strong feelings about this topic as both gift giver to my son and recipient from my parents. First my son. My 23 year old son, while definitely not as frugal as I or having any semblance of budgeting that myself can figure out (MBA in finance), has never been in serious debt, and worked a job constantly since he was 16. He currently is a college grad, lives with me to keep money costs down, but I make him pay rent ($200 a month, just as a token item so it is not free). I have provided some gifts for him over the years, and he has never “expected” them from me, and they are gifts as I want to set him up for the rest of his life. When I worked for Microsoft, I got a signing bonus in MSFT stock. I executed that and put that in a UGMA/UTMA account when Lil-D was 7, and that became his college fund. Through going to a state college, and some good FAFSA years, he still has about $30k of it. Good for him. I bought a car for him to use (my parents 4 year old Saturn Aura for $7k) when he started college as he was going to a local commuter college for 3 semesters (again – lower costs) before spending 5 on campus. When he graduated college, I gave the car to him (it was worth about $3k) as a birthday present. I also have given him Roth IRA contributions, for 5 years, which I just put in his account. Basically if he does nothing, and leaves it alone, he will have $1m when he retires. That is all I have done. I don’t give him a Jackson for gas, money for him to go out of town with friends, etc. He is responsible for his day-to-day living. He will find his way soon enough, and once he gets a regular paycheck (one of his jobs is insurance sales, which is 100% commission), he will probably get better at budgets, etc.
As for me, my parents have done similar things for me over the years. When I was 3 (one of my earliest memories was going to EF Hutten to sign documents) my parents created a UGMA/UTMA account for me. They put some money (and bonds which family members gave us, thus the signing) into a mutual fund (which I still own part of it, 40 years later). That account paid for my college (outside of what I paid from my working while in school and summer internships) and still had $50k left over in 2000 when I graduated with my MS degree. That mutual fund is worth a little over $110k 17 years later. My parents have given us gifts over the years. They are retired now and always joke that they could never spend how much they have saved. Due our congress critters screwing with the inheritance tax (Death tax), they give gifts to each my brother, sister, and I to make sure we are under the limits. My dad has a spreadsheet of all the gifts he has given over the years to make sure no kid gets more than another. I never expect a gift, and typically take a few grand for myself (like go on vacation) and invest the rest. My parents know all three of us don’t NEED the money but definitely can USE the money for something. They gifted me that $7k Saturn I gave my son to drive when he was in college. I had my check book at the car dealer ready to write the check (and put $5k on my credit card for the 2% reward, and pay it off in full at the end of the month like I always do) when my dad pulled one of his famous contracts out and said it was a gift. Again – unexpected gift. Annually I save about 20-50% of my income and invest that (or gift some of it to my son), so it is not like I am relying on them to fund my retirement. I know when both my parents die, that I am going to have a tidy sum coming but really don’t care, i’d rather have them. I am looking to be FIRE here in the next couple years, by the time I am 45 on my own, and knowing down the road, I am getting a significant infusion from my parents estate to add to what I already have.
However I know others who have been living paycheck to paycheck and mooching off their parents since they were 16. How can you, with a straight face, ask for a $20 for gas money from your parents, when you have 2 kids who have graduated high school. They missed thanksgiving last year because they did not have enough gas money to get to their parents house as they refused to give them money for gas. They took a payday loan against their 2017 tax refund and have already spent it (all $8k of it) within 2 weeks.
I personally feel it is all about how to phrase, and give the money to the person. If you give them an item, they have to use that item based on what that item is. If you give someone $5k in a check written to “Fidelity for the benefit of Lil-D”, then they have to put that in that account they have with Fidelity. If you give someone a $5k check written to them, they can put it in their regular account and now it is not going to help them long term. Just like my example above of giving money for gas. If they had taken that money they have given them over the years for gas, that person would be really setup for life with a decent retirement.
I read this as “I feel, strongly, that parents should give money to their kids.” Correct? Your, not so little, D is living with you at a time he could be going out and making it on his own….something to think about. Were not those early struggles valuable lessons on how to stand on our own? We are not our children. The drive we had is often not inherited. Just some thoughts.
Jan – I completely understand where you’re coming from, but I think drive doesn’t necessarily have to come from struggle. If you’ll note in my reply below, I was very fortunate to have funding similar, or even more generous, then Big-D noted above. I completely recognize how fortunate I am to have been set up so well in life, partially because it allowed me to focus my drive and effort on things other than money. I graduated college after 3 years at 20 years old with a 3.99 GPA, top of my class, while playing a Division 1 sport. If I had to focus on money, I would have never been able to accomplish these once in a lifetime achievements. Being set up as financially stable and knowing my parents have my back (and always having an emergency house key) has allowed me to take risk in my career – moving to 4 different places in two years – which enabled me to achieve a 6 figure salary at 23. Knowing my worst case scenario was moving home, made me feel confident in moving in with my then boyfriend now husband after 9 months of dating. I’ve been successful in my health (still love sports and being active!), career, relationships, financials and so many other aspects of my life because I did not have to struggle with money. So yes, I feel very strongly that parents should set their children up for success if they have the means, and their kids show the initiative to bettering their life – which based on Big-D’s description of their son – hard working since 16, state college, choosing to live at home to save money, pursuing a 100% sales job (not an easy gig!), I see no problem with that. If I was forced to ‘stand on my own’ straight at 18 or before, while I don’t doubt I could have survived- I wouldn’t have been able to focus my drive on other pursuits, and have no doubt that my life and achievements would have amounted to far less at this point.
Holly- You, actually, prove my point exactly. You chose to go out and make a living in four different places at age 20. Those were struggles- just made in a financially secure way.
The parent’s house is where you land if you are in school or something tragic happens. JMHO.
I used to believe this too. Mostly because I’m driven, and I struggled to become a successful business owner before I met my husband. I owned a home and had my financial ducks in a row. I was really proud of that.
When my in-laws gave us 100k towards our first house as a couple I felt insulted. I felt that it meant they didn’t trust us to make it on our own. Looking back I was so resistant that I actually feel embarrassed now. I was so sure there would be a catch that I was even hostile about it to the point that my reaction to their generousity did cause some tension. But it was from the belief shared here- not because there was any expectation from my in-laws. Years later things have changed for me.
One: I know as many children of wealthy people that are driven as I know people like me who struggled. I no longer believe the two correlate. Some of the most driven people in our world came from money. We start where we start. How driven we are or aren’t is related to something else. In some cases I feel like driven kids from wealth take on extra pressure to perform that might also be unhealthy.
Two: Because of the head start our parents gave us, we have had the privilege of building what we want out of life. We have also done very well for ourselves and saved well. Now we have the means to give our own children the same head start. I used to believe I’d never “ruin” my kids with the same kind of giving, but I no longer see it like that. My kids have watched us work hard. We discuss money and debt. We talk about taxes and savings. They do chores and they have part time jobs that they get both money and satisfaction from. It seems completely pointless to make them start from where I did “just so they can struggle”. I believe they will continue upstream from where we have left off.
Three: I came from lower middle class. I never felt poor growing up, but when I “married up” I was in shock. None of what I learned about money was relevant anymore. (Except the parts about credit card interest.) I was a fish out of water trying to make sense of the land. While the money rules changed some things stayed completely the same; love, communication, and sense can be absent or present no many how many “cents”.
That said, this feels like a case by case basis. This Mom needs to decide if this is a case where good kids just need a boost, or if giving money is just making it take longer for rock bottom. And whatever she decides, the rest of us need to trust her to (and she possibly needs to trust herself) make a truly loving choice that works for her.
Love to you all.
Sounds like D is going to be a millionaire some day because of his parents good financial planning for him.
What is wrong with trying to secure a successful future for your bloodline?
Rich families like the Trumps and the Hilton’s do this for their kids all the time and they are considered financial geniuses.
Did it ever occur to you these same parents may some day be taken care of themselves by the kids they helped?
Who wants to go to a nursing home when you can stay with your family?
A investment in your kid is a investment in your future
I think Karen should talk to a therapist. In my experience often parents, especually moms, are vulnerable to highly emotionally charged situations partially due to their own guilt or other issues. A good psychologist could also help bring things into perspective and offer advice on HOW to stop giving money if that’s what she decides. Because it will be ugly and the kids will likely lash out and she’s got to be ready. Working through whatever those grenades are beforehand and owning whatever part she has in the mess will be important to fixing it.
Yes! Good point about therapy.
Best advice in this thread.
Every situation is different and Karen could use some support from someone who can learns the dynamics and specifics at work.
As a parent I know it would be terribly difficult to let one of my children go homeless or prison. I am their parent and will always love them, no matter what. I don’t think the answer is as simple as do you write a check or not.
Obviously they need help, but I think the short term need (prison or homelessness) is a symptom of other problems in their lives being manifest if a fiscal way. Time should be taken to listen to them and find out what has taken them to this point, and what they plan to do to change. If they have a problem with drugs, alcohol, or gambling that is something we can work on together, but I wouldn’t contribute money to their cause especially if it is going to enable them to continue destroying their lives. How could I love them and enable such behavior.
We all make mistakes, and a day or two in jail or on the street may be the wakeup call they need, or it may not. They may need to come and sleep on my couch (living by my rules). Either way I would make it a requirement that they open up to me about their finances. I would need to see every bill, fine, credit card etc. that they have, we would make a budget, we would work on finding better work. If I am going to give my hard earned money to them they need to be willing to let me intrude on their life. If they are not up for that task than they don’t need the money that much.
I don’t envy that situation, and wish her luck on a tough decision.
It 100% depends on the adult “child” and their parents. Someone up above mentioned that their parents helped them out with goals that aligned with the values they were raised in…and I think that’s an important key.
If the adult is still on a journey to self-sufficiency, and past actions show that they are truly working towards that goal, the. I don’t think giving them a leg up will corrupt them. However, if they have a pattern of being irresponsible, then yes, it would.
If my family gave me $10,000 today, as a gift, I would invest it immediately.
I’d have to get a million+, all at once I think, to change who I am and to drastically alter the path I have already set for myself.
If a lesson needs to learned, then by all means do what needs to be done. But it’s a little silly to fear helping an adult who is doing pretty well, but could benefit from having an easier go of it. It’s a bit self-important thinking that whatever amount you give, could affect such change in someone’s goals and values. If they have goals, they are liklely to apply gifts towards that goal.
If they don’t have goals, then you’d help them more, by assisting in setting some.
Thumbs up
Speaking from my own life & what my brother went through about 10 years ago, I think it’s fair to help out an adult child when there is a genuine (not self-inflicted) crisis. My brother was hit by the triple whammy of losing his job in the recession, an acrimonious (and expensive) divorce, and a mental health crisis.
There should be a family discussion about how to make things fair (there was), and there should be a timeline and an action plan (with consequences) to insure progression (ex: if X doesn’t happen by Y date, Z happens.). Any allowance of money should be for neccessities of life, not luxuries.
The “bank of dad” closed the day my brother completed his A.S. degree (with honors!!!). I’m proud to say that my brother has a job and is doing well. (I just hope he can find a good person to share his life with!)
There is a lot of wisdom here, and also the sentiment that this is a very touchy and emotional topic. The p/maternal instinct to shelter and care for your children comes into violent conflict with the rational notion that they need to learn financial independence.
J.D. cited The Millionaire Next Door and its extensive section on how to raise a fiscally healthy child….I recommend this too! It bears reading and re-reading.
In my own extended family is an only child of wealthy, now deceased parents who were still paying her credit card bills when she was in her thirties and married. Only when she divorced and married someone unacceptable to them did they threaten to cut her off (making clear that the money was always just a means of control). She inherited many millions and is burning through it at an alarming rate. Her three children, who have never worked at any paying jobs, will have a tough time, as there will be nothing to inherit. The whole thing makes me enormously sad.
My parents paid for my college education in full. I will forever be grateful. To graduate with no debt and a great GPA was awesome. They also bought me a cheap car when I was in college.
They’ve supported all of their children with college education, shelter, and transporation.
However, these days they continue to enable one of my siblings who is nearly 30 and jobless, degree-less, and aimless. It is simultaneously frustrating and heart-breaking.
I don’t have kids of my own, but based on my experience with my family and based on my beliefs in regarding Christians taking care of their own families and faith communities/local congregations, I would be inclined to say that Karen should seriously consider helping her family.
However, if there is not effort on her kids’ part to get help or improve their situation (Saint Paul’s injunction about those not working not eating comes to mind), I think “tough love” would be in order.
Karen could look into different ways to help. Can she pay the lawyer for the child facing prison? Can she help the child facing homelessness find a shelter? Can she fund sessions with a lawyer, life coach, therapist, financial planner, physican, or whatever professional is needed? Can she drive them to job help seminars?
I don’t think Karen should force conditions on the money. She can decide what she is willing to do and communicate that clearly. She could determine a maximum dollar amount that she can afford and offer no more than that.
Good luck, Karen. This is a super tough situation.
Ouch. I suddenly realized that Karen is my mother’s name. Now I’m worried that things are more dire with my siblings than I was aware. o_O
We haven’t helped our grown millennial kids in any significant way with the exception of giving them the college money we saved for them since they all earned free rides to college and then when I received an inheritance I passed an tiny part ($10,000 each) to the three of them since they had all been good grandkids to my parents. However as long as they are sticking close to the values we taught we would consider helping them if they needed it. Kind of doubt any of them would ever ask though.
We would give what we could when we could do it in a way that didn’t hurt us. We gifted money for an inexpensive car in a crunch to one daughter and plucked another daughter off a park bench with a plane ticket home when she ran out of money while on walkabout in England.
Then we reformated our finances using the infinite banking model. We have a pool of money available as cash value in our life insurance policies that may be accessed as a loan for any reason with a phone call. The interest charged is 4.4% by the insurance company. If I borrow money for something from that pool I charge myself 20% to cover the basic cost plus a profit to the “family bank”. If it is good enough for me then it is good enough for the kids.
We still gift small amounts of money to all the (remaining) children. Larger amounts are a loan. Full stop.The child or grandchild is allowed to have one outstanding loan at a time. The size of the loan would be capped by our confidence in their willingness and ability to repay, but could potentially be large enough to cover a downpayment on a house if the child had proven trustworthy with smaller loans.
This policy has caused the loss of relationship with two of our five children due to their sense of entitlement. The other three are fiercely independent and we are proud of them.
I will take it one step further- no child should enter the parent’s business either.
My father took my brothers into the family business. They did not have the same skills- or work ethic (you know it always looks easier from the child side). Dad sold out and brothers ran it into the ground. Of course it was dad’s fault.They are still dependent (not destitute) on my mother–for anything they can get from her. It was a tough set up. And forget the counseling—they have burned through a good sum doing that…..
I contend that by bringing the sons into the family business they lost incentive to “make it happen” on their own. Since the government no longer requires military service, they never had the opportunity to make that “stand on your own” break.
At 60 I am very relieved to see that our break, however painfully it was made at the time, turned out to be the correct move.
Now, you need to address what to do with your money when you die/ or you inherit. My 30 yr old sil’s 53 yr old father just passed with no spouse and no will and a large farm===WHAT a life changing mess!
My half-brother milked my mother till the day she died at 82 monthly for money. He didn’t even show up at her funeral and none of us girls have heard from him since. He held it over my mother’s head all those years by saying she hadn’t provided him with the opportunities that others had when he was young. Ugh!
In the mid-80s, I worked for the FDIC in Omaha. Warren Buffet purchased a farm from us for his son. His son has done remarkable things to benefit and teach those in poor countries with his knowledge of farming. (Another good bet by Mr. Buffett.)
It really is a crap shoot.
I think most of these answers are useless unless the writer has been in a situation like that. It’s always easy to say “I would do this or that” in a certain situation, but when you’re really in that situation it might look completely different. My adult son needed $600 for rehab and I decided to pay for it and I’m so glad I did. He has been clean for 2 1/2 years and has turned his life around. Two of the people he hung out with during his abuse time, are dead now and I’m so glad that I prevented him from hitting rock bottom and dying. And unless you see your adult child suffering like that you cannot say what your decision would be unless you really have a heart of stone and would let your child die without regret.
That’s a valid point but I disagree. While a lot of people spout off about what they don’t have experience with it is also very hard to get perspective when you’re too close to a situation. I find it important in my own life to run scenarios to determine what my principles are before being faced with a situation then try to stick to those principles when it’s in front of me. If you’re already in deep then getting perspective from outside can help you pick a direction based on principles rather than being overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment.
I think rehab is an acceptable thing to pay for to help out your child when he needs it, assuming it’s a choice he has made and just needs help to pay for. I don’t think it’s outside the other advice given as it pertains to giving money to grown children. However I know a number of addicts that have gone in and out of rehab just because it was a condition to get more money out of their parents or other loved ones so you have to be careful to know if it’s an actual request for help to change or a manipulation tactic.
I think it is very situational for the helping adult children out. I think like many said what Karen is dealing with is on another level and she should probably be giving less financial and more advise.
For general kids, I think helping them get to the point they can stand on their own two feet is important. There is just so many ways that essentially are win-wins with 529 plans in such you can earn money tax-free. Also, I think doing so can help them immensely. My parents let me live with them after I couldnt find a job after undergrad and decided to do Americorps. Because they allowed me to live there for free I was able to save enough money to get to grad school which is why I am able to have the great job I have now. They also helped me pay for debts so I didn’t have to take out 100+k in loans or take ones out with above 7%. This allows me to be in a position where I am not reliant on them and if something bad happened I could help them out. Also, it helps me out which then increase my savings which then I hope to pass to future generations making my kids better off than I was.
I am not a parent. However I think this is the general concept of parenthood. Help your child with education and moral support. The hope is they will be financially able to take care of themselves and maybe help you at some point.
I would also like to express my personal experience. I always had some type of job since age 15. I had a protracted illness during my prime earning years (40-50). I ended up spending my life’s savings and then some for medical insurance and bills, all the while not being fully employed. In the current economic climate, it is a lot more difficult for older workers to re enter the job market, at least where I live.
I received little to no support from either parent after age 18. When I was hospitalized (in my 40’s) they said “come see us when you are better”. Somehow I made my way through. There is no black and white blueprint for how your child or family life will work out.
You never know in what individual circumstances people might find themselves. I have tried to help all my family members in whatever way they needed and I was able to do so.
Otherwise – why have the kids? Just be childless and you can think only of yourself. Oh right – you might have to think about your old parents – or grandparents.
By the way I am never married and childless. Not particularly by choice, but those are my circumstances.
It’s a good idea to help your children as they need it and you are able. Then when you need help when you are old they will be more inclined and able to help you.
There is a very old saying “as ye sow so shall ye reap”.
I think it depends on the kid and whether there are expectations and consequences tied to the money. I received a lot of financial assistant from my parents as an ‘adult’, but then again I was fulfilling my end of the bargain. Ie. I was told I had $x amount for college, and could take loans if I wanted (I didn’t), but I had to graduate in 4 years with a degree. I graduated in 3 years top of my class. I have a car my parents got me, but it’s ‘my dads car’ – so I can’t sell it, I have to give it back to him if I no longer want it. He got me a car that would last me until I was 30 – at which point I better be able to buy a car – but I’m not allowed to be silly and trade it in for a car payment on a benz. I’m making that thing last until I’m 35 by biking everywhere. My dad would give me deals such as: If I funded 2/3rds of my Roth IRA, my dad would fund the final 1/3. There are always strings attached to the money, and they are all structured in a way that TEACH responsibility. Ie. Don’t go out and get loans and take 6 years to graduate, don’t get a car payment or a fancy car, fund your IRA’s! I am very thankful my dad set me up for success, and I don’t think in any way it has hindered my ability to function as an adult. 25yo, $250k NW, 6 figure salary, 70%+ SR.
I think you should re-post this on the threat asking how you teach your kids about money. These are excellent examples of ways your parents encouraged good behavior.
Thread! On the thread! Stupid autocorrect. It hates me.
I have never been in this situation – but my sister was for years and years. The outcome was nothing but tragic – she handed out money every time she was afraid her children would go to jail or be out on the street. It started when they were young all the way into their thirties – one died at 30 from a heroin overdose – eleven months later her son – 34 – was hit and killed in a hit and run accident – he had alcohol and cocaine in his system – was crossing a street at 5:30 AM on a foggy rainy morning after a night of drugging and drinking. It’s sad to say but we all could see it coming years ago. Privileged lives with no responsibilities – I will forever be sad for the loss of these two beautiful young people – It’s our duty to bring our kids up to be independent – hard times build character. Mary Ellen
Is my experience problems escalate if you don’t learn from them. If you don’t think you can handle your kid learning a $1000 mistake or a night in jail you’re really going to hate the next one if you protect them from it.
My husband and I will pay for many of the undergraduate expenses for our kids, so long as they are doing well at their studies… and possibly a portion of advanced studies, provided wehabe the means. We consider helping with college to be paying our kuds their inheritance up front.
But, no, I wouldn’t pay money to prevent adult children from suffering the consequences of their own actions. If my child racked up unpaid tickets, I wouldn’t pay them off. If my child couldn’t/wouldn’t work to earn money for housing, that’s on them.
Our kids are still teens, so I can only talk about this from the POV of a child and sibling with relative affluence.
DH and I worked hard, made personal sacrifices, and were very, very lucky in what we have gotten financially. Our sibs started with similar advantages, but have generally not done as well, for various reasons. Early on, we discussed our financial “boundaries” for helping out family members. Unforeseeable crises and mistakes — yes, as a gift we can afford. Repeated habits, foreseeable problems, and commitment to not changing anything — no. “Throwing good money after bad,” etc. Neither of us want to get into a situation where we have to wonder about everyone else’s finances.
I’d like to think we will use similar logic to decide to help out our kids, or not. My parents helped out with college (me) and down payment on a house (in California), which we offered repeatedly to pay back. We have been open with the children about how we decide to spend our time and money, so hopefully that will help us work through tough situations where some money might help. We’ll see.
Karen probably has some tough conversations coming up with her children.
I’ve lived by the following when raising my kids: I will bail them out – one time. When my daughter was late for the school bus, I took her to school, one time. After that, she had to be on time, or find a way to get there herself. It was a very cold January in Michigan, that she had to walk to school. She learned a great lesson. If they get into financial trouble and need help, I will do it – one time. If the second time means they will go to jail if I don’t help, I will visit them in jail. The limits need to be stated and followed up on. It’s harder to set the limits later in their lives when you have allowed very little in the way of limits. We love our children, but we have to love them and ourselves enough to set rules.
I have received a lot of financial help from family over the years and at times I feel guilty for it. But it has helped me to form a solid financial foundation for the rest of my life and I will always be grateful for it. I would hope that I could help my own kids in the same way if they needed help or were in trouble, within reason. I would pay the fines as jail can have a devastating effect on future prospects, but have a repayment schedule in place. I don’t think I would give money outright, but help get the other kid in touch with available resources in the area.
Early on my parents got in the habit of matching my own savings for big ticket items, like the $600 couch I had to have for my first apartment. Yes, craigslist is cheaper… but I still have it 8 years later. Knowing that they would match what I saved motivated me to save more/faster. When I finished college and bought my first new car ($14.5k Nissan Versa), for my graduation present they matched the $3k downpayment I had saved! I paid that 4-year car loan off 18 months early.
I was also very grateful to stay on my parents health insurance until 26 (Thanks Obama!), and car insurance until 23. I then lived at home rent-free for 3.5 years while finishing grad school part-time. This allowed me to work seasonal jobs and internships in my field while going to school and boost my resume, without worrying about having to make more money to pay for an apartment. When I was in college we would also have a yardsale every summer and use the funds to help pay for textbooks.
Can you tell by now I was an only child? It was nice, but now as an adult (32) it has gotten increasingly frustrating to hear “Oh, we only had one child so we could give it everything” or “Our money, your money – what does it matter? It’ll all be yours one day.” My parents have some retirement investments but are relying more on the eventual sale of the paid-off house and cash savings to keep them going in retirement. I think I worry more about it than they do! I feel like I had to claw them away in order to get financial independence, to feel like an adult. And yet, I’m the hypocrite who’s still on the cell phone family plan for free ($35/month). Oy.
“Karen” here. Thank you for some very insightful comments. Since so many mentioned drugs or alcohol, I wanted to say that substance abuse (nor any kind of violent crime) is not an issue. Also, we’re retired, and we have plenty of money for our needs and wants.
If this truly is carelessness that makes the situation worde in some ways. But i think it also makes it safer. Jail is extremely unpleasant, but should be physically safe. And “homelessness” doesnt necessarily mean desperate amd what you should do depends on the specific situation. Either way I’d let the “home” go. Then work with him/her on options. What those options are depends on work situation, social network, and if you’d trust him/her in your home for a short period (NOT indefinitely!).
As others have said, if these are repeat mistakes then they’ve had chances and havent learned so it’s time to try something different. It’s tough love, which is tough. But it IS love.
My family had two generations of parents who gave money to their children any time the children wanted it. My grandfather supported my parents and my dad gave money to my brothers without expecting anything in return. Result? None of them ever learned how to manage money. (My dad offered me money from time to time but I never asked him for it and didn’t often accept it.)
My husband and I stood on our own two feet from Day One and figured out our own financial problems. We never asked anyone for one red cent. As a result, my husband and I are comfortable financially (not rich, but comfortable) and all my brothers are forever teetering on the brink. One is at real risk of ending up homeless.
Both my kids moved back in with us after college. We had no problem with that. They both paid us rent and contributed to household expenses. Once they were ready they both went out on their own and have been standing on their own two feet ever since. We would have helped them with unforseen expenses (and they knew that) but they’ve never needed help.
The adult children in the story didn’t get into that kind of financial sinkhole overnight. Bailing them out will do them no good, since they will keep up the “fiddle de dee” attitude as long as they know they won’t have to take responsibility for their actions.
My sister’s in-laws are like this as well. My sister and brother-in-law do not receive help and are comfortable. His sisters are teetering on the brink, and this is now being passed down to the next generation.
I read your story, then read all the comments, then went back and read what you wrote to J.D again. What jumped out at me the second time were these 2 phrases: “keeping getting” and “keep making.” These are not first-time mistakes your kids are making, they keep making them which leads me to the conclusion that helping further (and helping them thus far) is enabling. They haven’t learned from their prior mistakes, and it’s probably because they haven’t yet suffered the full consequences of any of them. It’s time to let them grow up.
sorry *keep getting*
I keep going back to the point that the two children “keep making dumb mistakes”. It is beyond me to think someone would have so many fines that they would end up in prison or whatever the other child is doing to end up homeless. That screams to me two young adults that have never learned that all actions come with results. Good and bad, all actions end up with results. There is the hint of addiction in this and it would be wise not to enable the two adult children to their death or the parent’s death from the stress of the issue.
My best advice to the parent would be to say “It is going to be interesting to see how you handle this and how it all works out”. Walk away and let your adult children learn how to be adults.
Like everyone else has said, that’s a very tough question and place for a parent to be.
On the one hand, I wouldn’t want my kids to go to jail or be homeless. On the other, I want them to be responsible – which means take responsibility and accept the consequences for their actions.
So I guess I could answer that I’d bail them out – once – and expect them to pay me back. Or I’d let them live with me to avoid being homeless, but I’d want them to pay rent or somehow show that they can be self-sufficient.
Of course, this is all easy to say when I’m not actually facing the situation in real life.
Although I don’t know the particulars, I would likely pay fines if they were for something which wasn’t serious. Sell some of their old stuff in an online facebook market and use those funds to pay the fines. However, since they are facing jail time, I imagine they did something serious and they should likely face the consequences. I say this as a former dumbass, but I never went to jail or was even arrested. There must be layers of dumbass. Jail time could impact future career possibilities so I would help my kid out if it were their first time or non-drug, theft, or assault related.
Homeless dumbass should probably open their books to mom before she wants to decide if she should help. If it were my kid and they had a job or recently lost theirs, they could crash at my place. I wouldn’t give them money though.
How old are these “kids”? How many times has she already bailed them out? These are key questions to me.
A 18-20 year old who foolishly thought tickets would disappear if s/he ignored them? I’d probably LOAN them the money. A 28-30 year old who I had bailed out 5 times before? NO.
With a soon to be homeless child the question would be “why”? Escaping from an abusive relationship? Sure, but only once. Spent rent money elsewhere, AGAIN. No.
My rule is that if I loan money once and it’s not paid back then never again.
I suspect that since Karen has two adult children with serious money problems (at least as described by them) at the same time that this is a recurring theme and no where close to the first time.
The long-term goal in raising children is happy, healthy, independent adults. So just like it can take scraped knees to learn how to ride a bike, short-term that can mean letting them feel some pain. Would I pay for their apartment? No. The American fixation on separate housing is purely cultural; I personally would be quite willing to let a room to responsible adult children who had a string of bad luck, wanted to save for a house, were disabled, etc. But if they were going to be homeless due mainly to their own stupid choices then, until & unless there was some serious repentance & commitment to change, all they would get is an offer to store their most valuable possessions and a couch to sleep on (or a ride to the homeless shelter if addiction/theft was a possibility). After a week we’d assess whether they had learned anything; sometimes help is best received after you’ve had a chance to realize just how badly you need it.
I’m sure there are family arrangements that work, but I see this playing out in real-time with my in-laws and it’s worrisome. Just before my MIL retired my husband’s mom and step-dad sold their townhouse to buy a huge, million+ house for my SIL. They built a pricey in-law property in back and have dumped a lot of money into refurbishing the original structure (and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future). We assume they took on/are continuing to take on a lot of debt to do this, on top of the mortgage for the original structure and land, and it’s all made possible by my FIL. This isn’t in itself a bad thing, however we have serious reservations that my FIL will be able to keep the money flowing to support both households. His health is poor, his stress is high, his debt is huge, and he says cryptic things about how he’ll “never be able to retire” as he approaches his 60th birthday. My SIL and BIL have kids and live on one income (BIL’s), but they seem to spend as if they have my FIL’s income. In a way, they do. The four points at the end of this article about how giving can encourage consumption over saving and investing and dependency on credit are eerily applicable to what I think I see happening. My in-laws constantly tell their kids they have to go to college, but they just bought an $80k car for my SIL to drive. Can they send two kids to college on one income? If my FIL’s ability to work and earn the high salary he does is compromised, we worry that the whole house of cards will fall. My MIL is only 65, will probably live well into her 90’s, and seems in danger of running out of money when she’ll be much older and more vulnerable. I don’t know how my BIL would handle paying the mortgage, utilities, and taxes on a house he could never afford to finance with his own income. Of course… I don’t know for sure if this is case. They hid their plans from us before buying this property and we haven’t asked my husband’s parents about their retirement, long-term care plans, or estate planning because it’s clear that we aren’t a part of it (which is fine). But, we see troubling signs and we really worry that disaster is one illness away.
It’s wonderful if parents can help their adult children, but I echo the sentiments of others who commented before me: helping children at the expense of the parent’s financial well-being is not a good idea. I’ve had to gently remind my mother of this. Occasionally, she’ll feel the urge to give me or my brother chunks of money that we don’t really need, and we have to remind her that her money is for her care when she needs – whatever’s leftover after she’s gone, if anything, will be ours to sort out, but not a minute sooner.
I’m fascinated to notice that you placed money gifts like random $25,000 or a down payment on a house on the same level as bail and rent. The former are things most of us function without just fine, the latter are things that the lack thereof can have profound financial, social and health consequences.
I’m an adult child of parents who are wealthy, yet that down payment contribution is very likely to wait until they are dead and I’ve inherited. But they have given a car (their own newish one) to my brother when his broke down because where he lives a lack of a vehicle would start a terrible spiral into unemployment and homelessness.
So also I feel with these stories in the comments about addiction and other terrible tragedies. Who would not wish to shelter their children from the awfulness of the world? The question is absolutely not should you or should you not give money to adults (your children or any other connection), but rather how can you support someone in a difficult place? No one is guaranteed a happy ending, nor does bankrupting yourself help someone else, but there is a deep cruelty in this “live with the consequences” with no regard for the difference between renting until you are 50 and losing one’s job and housing because unpaid traffic tickets lands you in jail.
Offering or taking repeated handouts risks creating a dynamic where adult dependence is OK, and perhaps expected.
I want my children to have the opportunity as young adults to earn confidence by providing for themselves.
I don’t plan on spoiling that opportunity.
Sorry but I had to write a whole post to respond to this question:
If you are providing financial life support to an adult child, I just have one thing to say: You’re not doing them any favors.
My brother in law, Danny, has had a spotty work record for the 31 years I’ve been in the picture. After he was fired, the story was that the boss was some variation of ogre.
It was really that Danny had problems being told what to do. He was always smarter than his bosses. He may have been smarter–he tested quite high in IQ. But if he didn’t respect all aspects of his boss 100% of the time, he couldn’t work for them. I’ve been a boss. I’m sure my staff didn’t respect all aspects of me 100% of the time–it’s an impossible standard.
In the early years, he bounced from housing provided by his mother to housing provided by his father. The parents no longer spoke so they didn’t know he was bouncing, they assumed he was occasionally supporting himself. They felt sorry for him, they divorced at such a terrible age. Mr. Ms. Liz said “You’re not doing him any favors”.
Then he met a woman with a young son and he looked after the son while the woman worked. That was satisfactory for awhile. Then they split up. But his Mother had died and left him a small inheritance. So he lived on that for awhile.
Then he was living in a spare bedroom in his Dad’s home. Working occasionally but mainly smoking all day in his Dad’s home, with his Dad’s money. Mr. Ms. Liz said “You’re not doing him any favors”.
Then he was living in a motor home in his Dad’s back yard. His Dad gave him money for food and cigarettes, he paid his utilities. Mr. Ms. Liz said “You’re not doing him any favors”.
Fast forward to today, this kid is pushing 60. Living in a home owned by his father–apparently that motor home became uninhabitable. I hear it’s quite a nice home as he had very specific requirements for what would be acceptable. He hasn’t taken care of the yard, he sits inside and smokes all day. He’s in poor health. Everyone is out to get him. Life isn’t fair. He’s now unemployable, he’s obese and can barely walk.
He should be on public assistance, but he’s too proud for that. He won’t sign up for Medicaid though I’m sure he’s eligible.
His Dad gives him money each week for food and cigarettes, he pays the mortgage and utilities each month. He covers his medical bills.
So now his Dad is working on his estate planning. Danny tells his Dad, that if he receives his home with a paid off mortgage that would be acceptable to him. But that’s more than his fair share of the estate. And his Dad is all about keeping things fair among the kids. Though things haven’t been fair for decades.
So it’s very likely that Danny would need to get a mortgage if his Dad dies. As you now know, that would be impossible. So he’ll be homeless and will have to swallow his pride and get on public assistance. He will lose his Dad, his source of income and his pride all at once. Though it’s very likely his Dad will outlive him. He no longer speaks to either of his siblings. The financial life support will not continue to another generation.
But here’s the part of this story that makes me crazy, makes me want to cry. My father in law is pushing 90. He worked really hard his whole life. He’d like to spend winters in the desert, not far from us. But he can’t afford it. He figures he’s spent about half a million dollars supporting his adult son. Who he was not doing any favors.
What do I wish had happened? I wish his parents had provided some mental health counseling; anti-depressants might have helped. I wish they had paid for job training. Financial support should have decreased over a year or 18 months until he was completely on his own. I wish they hadn’t given him enough money to buy cigarettes.
We’ll never know what he could have become. A bird can’t fly when it is tethered to the nest.
If your child is facing jail time you have a bigger problem then worrying about the impact of gifts on his or her character. Further essentially bailing someone out of jail isnt really what I’d call a gift. A gift is ‘no strings’ and not asked for.
Im afraid Id be inclined to let them do the time and hope it shocks their system. Of course I hope I never have to face such a situation.
No two kids are alike..
Ive got a daughter that finished college a year and half ago and with great joy the Mrs and I footed the entire bill. She worked hard and graduated cum laude. We then bought her a 2 year old car. She continues to work hard is half way through her masters (Straight As) and has great job in technology – this time the cost is on the company and her. I am also helping her with a home down payment/wedding. She too is a saver. She isnt entitled, spoiled and knows she extremely lucky.
My son, a sophomore in college is doing fine but he is easy going and simply isnt as focused as his sister. He knows the deal we don’t pay for Cs. I’ve explained that Ill make his life easier if he continues to do well. There will be gifts but based on acceptable behavior.
The Mrs and I wont live forever- The help we’ve provided early in their lives just like saving early will have the greater impact then an inheritance at 45.
I funded college for myself and came from a family struggled financially. The big question is does struggling strengthen the character? Again I believe it depends on the person. I know improving my lot in life pushed me through 2 masters at night. It also pushed me to live simply. Ive met people who had their parents fund their college and they are doing just fine.
So in the end I believe you can generalize and say all gifts are bad for the character. Naah thats silly.
We have an adult son that feels he’s too smart and too good to work for anyone else. Hence, he can’t/won’t keep a job. He’s borderline autism spectrum and has anxiety and depression so I do feel for him but how much do we help? He won’t come back to the area we live in, he lives in a very expensive area of the US because he “loves” it out there. We have given him money in the past but now we are done. He has no money. None. We keep getting notices that his car will be impounded if he doesn’t pay his tickets, that if he does get a pay check, the money will be remanded to the county to pay for the car tickets/notices. Help. How do we help a child that won’t help himself?
You would die for your child right? So what’s money worth? How much money is your child worth to you. Let’s put more value on human life. How good are you? That’s how much your worth. Go ahead parents let your kids know their monetary value based on how you feel they are doing in their lives.
Like yeah let’s help the ones doing good in life and not bad??????
Makes no sense. Help everyone equally. We aren’t perfect. Love will solve all these problems. Look past the actions. Your looking at a human being that will die, just like you.
How would you want to be treated?
Wrong advice.
I would be more inclined to assist an adult son who has shown he is gainfully employed and is trying to live within his means. Otherwise, he needs to get with the program.
This doesn’t sound like it’s really about a car.
You said your son has two mental illnesses and is also autistic too. Why don’t you offer to bring him home and help him get on medication for his mental illness?
Or visit him and help him get stabilized on meds. If he can’t stabilize help him sign up for social security so he has ongoing income.
Create a plan for your son with your son so he will be okay for years to come.
If your child has two mental illnesses and autism too why don’t you help him with that.
If you are against helping him financially go visit him and check out his situation.
Maybe he needs meds.
Well, this is a VERY difficult subject in our home.
We are not exactly rolling in the dough my husband is a disabled veteran and receives social security. His adult children are from a previous marriage. I just read an article where the step wife comes last and the adult step children are financial priority in marriages.
I am an internet marketer that hasn’t seen a profit of yet it takes quite a bit of work and patience for this type of business to see any income generated.
The question is should adult children aged 22, 23, 24 be given money continuously? Two work all the time as well as their spouses because we (mostly I) have given them no choice its expected. It is very small amounts of money requested $6, $10, $40 on a regular basis. The problem is we support their mother to the tune of $800 per month for the next 6 years.
My husband leaves the door open for more asking for money and I want that door shut. I do not want to give any money whatsoever. I do not feel at this age we should be getting requests when one daughter is out of sanitary items and in some sort of female emergency she should be asking her father when she has a working husband? I starting working at 16 and these scenarios are really hard for me to fathom.
The youngest daughter (22) receives $1224 stipend from the VA for going to school full time and has never held a job for more than a month. She is expecting a child any day now and living with the child’s husband for 3-4 years now.
They did not plan well for this child because she prefers not to work but get her school stipend and education. Her husband chooses low paying jobs. The jobs are not plentiful where they live but the boyfriend cannot leave his parents or friends to move to a location with a better job market and get a job that pays better.
She cannot take any time whatsoever off school for maternity leave since they are not financially prepared for this child. I am feeling guilty as all get out because she loves to talk about conservatives that are against abortion but not willing to pitch in financially. I raised my own child, my parents helped at times but I never felt entitled to any money I was horrified to ask but got myself in many bind. I should have been told no. My mother has no boundaries whatsoever around this and has helped my older sister so much so she cannot function on her own even with a Masters degree at 54.
I do not feel I should have to help during this maternity leave when we struggle financially ourselves. I resent the entitlement and that we are always put in the guilty position of having to say no over and over and divulge our private financial situation.
I resent that since I did work all the time to support myself and daughter why should she not have to work and support herself? Why should this burden be on us instead of her boyfriend who chooses to not move because he cannot bear to leave his parents or friends?
There is also a son that drinks heavily and asks for $20-$40 regularly. Sometimes if we have it I agree to to give because I know my husband wants to. This leads to several more requests which then sets me off.
My husband admitted to me that if not for me he would never say no. This hurts because I feel alone in trying to manage this chaos and also because I know that I do not have a partner that can stand as a united front with me on this.
The article I read today just really sent me reeling. In essence, as a new wife I have no value. No say in this and am just some sort of bystander. This isn’t what the bishop of our congregation advised us. He stated we are to be a united front for these adult children and set boundaries together but really I am completly alone in this.
I raised my own now 29 yr old daughter that you do not borrow money and you work for what you want or sell something to get out of a bind. You never easily ask for money. The last time she asked for money was 10 yrs ago at 19.
I am a firm believer in self sufficiency. I raised my daughter alone. Always worked. My parents gave me $16k for the down payment on my home. I am a realtor and can give my entire commission to any of my adult children as a down pymt gift.
I am happy to do this but don’t see any of them in a position to buy for many years if ever. My parents probably gave me a total of about 3-5k the past 18 yrs. They gave my sister and her husband 100-200k and they are still at it asking for money. I did this as a last resort and will pay them back. Thats a goal of mine.
I prefer not to give adult children any money at all. I want that door closed and have seen the damage it creates. My husband wants (is literally desperate) to cater to every request we get.
It’s a lonely place to be in a marriage. An angry one too.
Any advice anyone?
From all these comments it should be clear that some kids who receive financial gifts become responsible with money and some don’t. Similarly, some kids who are forced to struggle become responsible and some don’t. Kids don’t always learn what their parents teach and model for them. And most of us make or have made stupid mistakes. I think the answer is a balance. Help them enough to keep them out of dangerous situations and situations that can throw them into hopelessness, despair, and bad decisions. And help them in ways that will allow them to pull themselves up, do better, and try harder. On the other hand, try not to help them with things they could and should do for themselves. Give careful consideration and do what seems best at the time to minimize regrets later.
I married a lovely lady over 1 1/2 years ago. Everything was great except she has a 30 year old son who refuses to stay employed an dwants to get a education but only wants to take 1 class a semeister. He goes to school 1 day a week for 2 hours. This is his excuse not to work. (schools to hard for him to keep up his grades and pass his classes if he has to work.) He cries and threatens suicide if he doesn’t get his way or we don’t pay his bills. ( You don’t love me. or I want him to be homeless). Well it finally got to much to handle so my lovely wife has been taken hostage by her lazy self-entitle 30 year old baby. I told her she should think about her future and let him try to figure out things on his own. But he has just taken her paycheck and used it to enter game contest out of state. $1,250.00 he took and off he went to Califofnia, leaving his mother with about 4 slices of bread and 2 pieces of cheese in the house for the next 5-6 days. Now I know it’s a parents wish not to see their children suffers but this is to much. I am in a place to intervene but I’m afraid if I do he will again play the poor me pity card and it will be back to sqaure 1.
I would say, putting your fear aside, if you are in a place to intervene then it is very important for you to do so, for the sake of your new wife and yourself. Perhaps seeking out a family counselor would be a good step at this juncture, for the sake of the mother of this adult child and yourself in order to get input, perspective and ideas on handling the situation. With this approach it might be quite difficult to go back to square 1 and you might not be so vulnerable to the pity card threat.
The menu of the next 5-6 days is a bit confusing. Aren’t you there to share food and meals with your wife? Maybe with this description you are expressing the thoughtlessness of her son’s actions , but it does carry a sentiment of the helplessness you are feeling also.
I do not know the state of his mental health, but, by your description, his emotional state is certainly troubled. I am of the firm belief that it is better to allow someone find their way when they are young and resilient, frightening and difficult as it may be for them, then to coddle them into an age where they will indeed be unable to really pull themselves up or not have the will to do so. Then it becomes a tragedy for everyone involved, not the least for the son himself.
I think it is OK for parents to give their adult child money for some special cases. My parents gave me money in exchange for taking care of their home while they are away. The money they gave is for the upkeep of their property. I am a financially responsible millennial. I used the allowance they gave in maintaining their house, and I deposited the remaining funds to my bank account. My parents are pleased to have a financially responsible daughter.
You spend 18+ years raising your children, adapting them to a certain lifestyle and type of social environment.
Rich but lazy parents sadly do not understand the real cost of whatever level of education, neighborhood and overall lifestyle they choose. The real cost is that anything above what an average salary can afford, YOU will need to supplement/guarantee your children access to for the rest of your life.
Why? Because you had 18+ years to teach your children how to survive in a version of the world. If you taught them the mindset and skills for surviving among the rich, then there is 0.000…% chance they will be able to survive among the
middle- or working-class. Even little things, such as “motivation” makes it wholly impossible to live among those groups.
What motivates and bonds working-class people? Big uneconomical cars, mortgages and 2+ children.
What motivates and bonds middle-class people? Academic certificates of achievement, job titles and an overall sleek lifestyle.
What motivates rich people? Exclusiveness, special achievements, access to abundant resources.
Even progressing from working to rich class, is a fundamentally disorienting experience and evidently produces some of the most disturbed individuals. We look at those people for advice, as role-models to our society. But really, they are broken as heck and have the hardest time maintaining a positive outlook.
Forget “money”. It’s not about money at all. It’s about the fact that whatever class you grew up in, instilled you with a system of beliefs and when that system tells you that „buying expensive big HP cars“ is stupid, then you will have extreme difficulties succeeding socially among people who think otherwise
A rich class raised kid cannot effectively communicate with a working class kid and vice versa.
TLDR;
A) Raise your children in an environment that they can reasonably transition into without your help
or
B) Don’t cry when you realize that your kid has grown to rely on an expensive lifestyle as feeding ground for its success and YOU need to pay for it for the rest of your life.
Greets, Dudel!
My mother’s been gone 20 years; my dad just passed last year. My parents scrimped their whole lives, all our college was paid for and they only took a couple nice vacations in the later years, before my mom died. My dad left all 4 of us kids equal sums of money (about $100k) and also left smaller amounts to the grandkids. 3 of us siblings worked our whole lives, through various hardships/divorces, etc. but my parents only gave us money when there was a true “emergency” (i.e., for health reasons). My one brother, who had more charisma than any of us on the surface, was a lazy bum who my dad supported ’til he passed last year. The reason my brother “couldn’t” hold a job? Without fail, it was always someone else’s fault every time he got fired and when he got laid off, he always thought he was too good to work a temp job in between getting a job that came up to his standards. Long story short….guess who my little brother is hitting up for money now??? That’s right – me! My other sibs avoid him. There is NOTHING WRONG with my brother; he’s just lazy and thanks to my parents enabling him, he never learned how to support himself. Thank God he never had any children. Am I supporting my brother now? Hell NO. I told him that he will always have a roof over his head (he’s over 60 y/o now) because my husband is a nice guy and said my brother can live with us so he’s not living on the street. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to give him $$ for cigarettes or booze, he can get a damn job. Bastard.
This is all quite straight forward.
Jail: Pay the money so that the kid doesn’t go to jail. This happens once only. If the situation recurs, they will go to jail without bail out.
Homeless: This is not true. Tell them there is always a bed at home, and food, but you will not be paying additional housing as you already have your own house.
I see many posts here from enabled adult children defending their own situations. They don’t realize that by continually taking this money their parents continue to hold sway on them in ways they shouldn’t. You don’t think you and your parents in law see one another differently if they just cut you a check for $10k?
For years, my son was independent and never asked for money. And then suddenly he got over his head financially, was making poor decisions. He has a good job, but he seems to have difficulty budgeting his money. A few months ago, he needed money to tide him over, and my husband and I gave it to him. Ever since, he has hit us up for money. We gave him $300.00 to help pay for his rent last month, bought him groceries, and gas. And he keeps wanting more. He just wrote to me tonight and said he needs money for gas. There goes another $35.00. My husband and I aren’t rich, and we just had a major vehicle repair. With that, extra Christmas expenses, and my son constantly wanting money, I’m feeling very depressed and angry this holiday season. I’m going through my grocery list and seeing what I can trim.
When I graduated from college, financed partly by loans and partly by my parents, I asked my dad for spending money to tide me over until I could find a job. He gave me $10 for bus fare and said that was all I could expect. Consequently, I took the first job I could find, kept it for a while and moved on to another job and a successful career. I married a guy whose parents were middle class but nearing retirement. We knew that we were completely on our own financially. We paid for our own modest wedding and the money we received as gifts went into an emergency fund. We lived in a cheap apartment for years, getting most of our furniture from the curb, and saving half of our income until we had a substantial down payment. We paid off our house in 9 years, paid cash for our kids’ college, and have managed to take a nice vacation every year. We continue to live below our means, avoid debt, and invest regularly. Now we have an adult child who has a good job and is in good health, but is heavily in debt and making no effort to pay it off. If it were a medical need, we would help, but we have no plans to interfere with the legal consequences this adult child is experiencing in the hope that it will be a lesson learned.
What if the adult child has a disability like mental illness? If they are able to maintain a healthy environment for themselves and budget their money well, seeking support and working towards stability. Do you leave them to keep struggling on their own?
I would never allow my children to be homeless, but I will not pay for their accommodation. They can live with me like when they were 5 years old, so much so that they yearn to make a living and leave !!! I have a son in that situation now and he absolutely hates living with me and is earnestly looking for a job.
I have suggested my bachelor son live with me for a year in order to get back on track, especially with his mental health, but he won’t take up my offer. Now in his 50s, he has three different degrees but has been chasing business ventures that have failed with $14,000 being money I have given him. He is currently employed as a support worker, a job that provides unreliable work hours but needs a reliable car and he has requested money from me for a replacement vehicle, (this after not speaking to me for several years). He used to tap his wealthy father for money until with some sort of financial collapse, during Covid that source dried up completely, so he doesn’t talk to him now. He identifies me as the “moneybags”, (I am a retired, ex typist work-three-jobs type of person). I am digging my heels in and saying no to a “loan” – but the offer of accommodation still stands, (although he would have to move from another country, but rents a room so has few possessions). Perhaps I should suggest he live with his father and stepmother in his home town – now there is an idea!! Thanks for your help!!