Last year, one of my friends lost her husband. After decades of marriage, they said their final goodbyes. Since I work in a mortuary, I often witness some of the worst days of people's lives. And that day was no different. My friend's husband, the father of her children, was gone. No matter what anyone said or did, nothing could change that unfortunate truth. She was sad, but she had embraced the inevitable. My friend had loved her husband for over fifty years, but she was beginning to accept the fact that he would never come home.
Lessons from my grieving friend
“One day, you'll sit where I sit.” She spoke to me in a shaky voice. And although her words were cryptic, I knew exactly what she meant. She meant that one day I would lose the people I love most. I listened intently to what she was saying.
“One day, you'll sit where I sit and you won't believe how the time flew by.” I knew she was right. I had already begun to notice the quickened pace of life that older folks are always talking about. After all, I have witnessed it firsthand with my own children. It seems like they were just babies a moment ago. In a few months, my oldest daughter will be four.
“One day, you'll look back and have only memories to cherish and hold onto.” I continued to listen to my friend as she spoke. I could tell that she had a message to convey to me that day, and I wanted to take it all in. “I would give anything to have my husband back for just one day. I would trade every dollar I have, my home, and everything I own.” She moved uncomfortably around in her seat, knowing that her wishes would go unanswered. What she truly wanted was impossible. Death is final, and there was nothing she could do to change the fact that he was gone.
“Be careful with your time, young lady. It's precious.” I will remember the words she spoke for the rest of my life.
“One day you'll look back and realize that it's the only thing you really ever had.”
To this day, I have never heard anything truer in my life. Time is so precious. It is everything. We all have a limited amount of it… and once it's gone, there is absolutely nothing we can do to get more. And to make matters worse, none of us knows how much time we have left.
My job in a mortuary
Working in a mortuary has taught me so many things. I have learned that life can change — or end — in an instant. I have learned that a twist of fate can alter the entire course of someone's life. I have learned that life isn't always fair, and many people die far before their time. There are no easy answers, and the families left behind are often never the same again.
Working in a mortuary has also changed me in more ways than I can express. The unique perspective I've gained has made me more conscious about how I spend my time and much more careful with how I spend the money I earn. I have come to realize that money truly is time, whether I choose to like that arrangement or not.
Money can buy time
The fact that we are all going to die is certainly depressing, but we do have choices while we're still here. We can still buy time. Being frugal with the money we earn can mean retiring decades earlier. It can mean turning down overtime and enjoying time with family and friends instead. It can mean not having to take a second job or being able to work part-time. Having money can also allow you to hire people to do the things you don't want to spend time doing yourself. Being frugal can be the path toward freedom and independence and away from struggle and discontent.
I like my job, but I realize now that every dollar I earn is a moment that I will never get back. Every hour I spend working is time away from the things and people I love. I cannot change this fact, but I can choose to be very frugal with the money that I earn. And at this point in my life, each dollar I earn is literally paid for with moments away from my children. Therefore, I am determined to make those dollars count. I pick pennies up off the street. I sell stuff I don't want. I make the most of all that we have, and I always try to remember what that money really means.
So what now?
I am only in my thirties, and I hope to have many decades ahead of me. But nobody knows for sure. If I'm lucky, I'll get to make years of priceless memories with my family and friends. I hope to turn dollars into fortunes by saving and investing all that I can. I want to use my frugal lifestyle to buy time… and I want to enjoy every second of it.
I will never forget the conversation I had with my friend. I will always remember the lesson she taught me. Her words were a precious gift. I know that now, and I am more serious than ever about getting the most out of life that I can.
My friend was right. One day I just may sit where she sits. One day, many years from now, I might be longing for the years I am living right now. When that day comes, I'm sure I will want to trade everything I have for one more day, one more moment, or one more hug. I don't want to have any regrets. I hope to look back and know that I made the most out of every second I had.
Our time is invaluable
Life is a precious gift, and it's moving faster now than ever before. I'm still young, but I'm determined to make the most out of my money and my time. And I am going to enjoy the moments with my family, knowing that one day the memories will be all that's left. Money comes and goes, but time is priceless. I will always treasure the lesson I learned from my friend. “Be careful with your time, young lady. It's precious.”
I too am only in my 30s and have noticed how quickly time flies. This is why I work so hard at trying to live a balanced life. I want to retire as early as possible so that I can spend as much time with loved ones. But I also realize that it is no guarantee that I will be around in 30-40 years so I make time today to be with loved ones because you never know when they or you will go.
Very well said!
Beautiful post…and I’m bawling!
Funny, I just wrote about this in a blog post yesterday and came to very similar conclusions. Ultimately I want time to enjoy my family and early retirement is my best shot at that.
Somber topic, but good to consider before it’s too late.
Thanks for this, Holly. So often it seems like being frugal is equated with being cheap and miserly, but you managed to hit the nail on the head with this one – that my frugality feels like I’m buying time to spend with those I care about doing the things I care most deeply about.
Thank you.
Once I started equating the money I earn with time away from my children, everything changed. Each thing I buy that I don’t need is a wasted moment….and I will never get that moment back. That is the ultimate reason to be frugal, in my opinion. You’re right…it isn’t about being “cheap.” It’s about extracting as much value as possible from the hours we spend working.
Incredibly touching and well-written. It really changes the way you look at money, and how you choose to use it. Thank you for writing this!
Great post. Great perspective. Thanks for sharing and the reminder for all of us to take time to appreciate the important people in our lives.
We all trade time for money, in some way or the othher.
The early retirement community focuses quite a bit on valuing time over money. I certainly don’t blame them. I’ve worked several jobs in the past where I was basically just burning away days of my life for low pay, abuse, and no recognition. Working at a job you hate really drives home the “time is money” reality.
Any tough job or hourly job is a daily reminder of the time/money equation. I’m having a bit of burnout at work right these last few weeks and every time I’m at work the thing that keeps me going is that working now gets me towards certain goals of financial freedom.
Great article. Money cannot buy happiness because if that was the case then why do the rich abuse drugs as well as the poor?
I retired at age 28 from a job that was against everything I believed in even though it payed well. I was lucky that my husband completely supported my decision. We decided that while money was important it was not a top priority for us and we valued quality of life more.
“We can still buy time.”
No, you can’t buy time. You can spend time earning money, but you can’t use that money to buy it back again. You can decide to spend less time earning money, but that time will be spent on something else. You can’t save it.
And not all time is equal. Time spent when you retire may or may not have as much value as the time spent when you are young.
The time spent with your adult children is not the same as time spent with them as children. Time spent with your parents when their health is failing is not the same as time spent with them when they are still active.
It may well be better to spend time (and money) taking your kids to Disney World, than to spend time now earning money so you can take your grandchildren when you retire. You will be able to fully enjoy the experience now and your children will have the memories for the rest of their lives.
In shore, the equation of time=money is a false promise. They are different things. You will be disappointed if you expect to use time in retirement to make up for the time you spent earning money in your youth.
I am not sure you read the article.
Being frugal *now* means working less *now*. Picking up pennies, selling things you don’t want, not buying random junk, all these things free up money *now* that allow you to spend time with family instead of taking extra hours or second jobs or other things you need when you spend too much.
“I am not sure you read the article.”
I am not sure you read the whole article or what I wrote. Its always a good idea to not buy junk and to sell stuff you don’t want and/or don’t use. The hard questions are the things you do want, that aren’t junk and that do improve your life.
BTW, picking up pennies at 1 per second will yield $36 in an hour. You are essentially spending time to get money. I am not sure picking up pennies is worth the time, given there is no other reward.
The real solution is to find a job that is also something you value spending time on. Then you don’t have to consider the two a trade off.
I wouldn’t say I hate my job. It pays an acceptable amount and I feel accomplished when I do well. I’m not exactly racing to retirement.I’m not with my kids while I’m working but hopefully they can learn by my role to constribute to society and do well. I also form relationships with people that I work with. This post sounds like its from somebody that really hates their job.
Ross, I totally agree with you. People who claim they are working really hard now to retire early are fine if that is what they want.
But it’s so true that those hours with your children can not be bought back and won’t be the same when they are grown.
I worked as few hours as I could get away with when my children were in the home. We lived on a blue collar salary but had everything we needed and a ton of what we wanted.
We have a lot more money now but I sure do miss those years with the kids underfoot.
Umm… I think the very point of the article was that every dollar saved now is a dollar she doesn’t have to work for at the end. …You know? Like, if through being frugal Holly is able to retire 10-15 years earlier than the average person, she has indeed bought herself lotsa good free time to spend with loved ones.
It’s “free time” being discussed, not actual “seconds on your death clock time”.
You can’t buy time. Your friend offered everything she had and nobody was selling. You can simply choose how to spend the time you’ve been given, but once it’s spent, you can’t buy it back.
Any conclusion you can come to that makes you value your time, money, and children is a good thing! Having been a stay-at-home mom and a working mom, however, I’ve found that quantity time is not always quality time. I had a difficult time staying home with my kids. The days dragged by, I was restless, and I was underappreciated for my efforts by my (now ex-) husband. I found working part-time to be a good balance to make me appreciate both the time spent with my kids and the money earned from hard work away from my kids. Now that my kid are older, I’m teaching school nearly the same hours that they’re gone, so I don’t have to feel like my work time is time spent away from my kids. Sometimes we can be better mothers when we’re working moms than when we’re stay-at-home moms. It’s all about the quality of the time.
Wow! The topics of the blogs I frequent are really singing to me this week!
I’m young, 27, very young by life standards and yet I’m feeling this way. I moved away from home a couple of years ago and ever since then I’ve felt guilty about working and being away from my family. I’ve made concious efforts to make meaningful memories with my family especially with my father. We had a strange relationship early in my life, but it has evolved into a respectful one now that I am an adult. We went out for brunch on President’s Day and it was fantastic! My father and I could never sit at the same table a few years ago, let alone in public, without going at eachother. Now we discuss man things, life and how short it is.
I never really made the connection that my money = time. It was all so simple: vice-versa. I spent time making money, but never money to make time. I think that I will take this with me and make the best of what time is left. Thanks, Holly.
Holly, this article is SO POWERFUL! Thank you for writing it in a way that really brings home the value of one’s time AND the value of one’s money. I have printed off this article and plan to read parts of it to the Personal Finance class I will teach this summer at the university. Again, thank you!
unlike money we have a finite amount of time. I used to always think about would I rather be in the office or earning less and having more time, I chose the later, life is too short.
Great article.
There is a book about this topic called
Your Money or Your Life
by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin.
I highly recommend it.
This is the same reason why I decided to drop pursuit of an advanced degree I did not care to get. This is why I happily pluck away at a “boring corporate job” with a predictable 45 hour week. This is why I moved from a high cost of living area to a lower cost of living area.
Holly calls it being frugal. I call it being keenly aware that money is not my most precious resource, time is.
Very powerful article but I don’t get the same conclusions.
One is the issue that time spent working is time spent away from family–that’s not true in all cases. I’ve chosen to work in a family business instead of going away to an office. One could say not everyone has that choice, but we all choose.
Two, Holly does tremendously valuable work helping people cope with their grief in their darkest moments. What she does isn’t trivial or pointless, and it’s hard for me to see it as time simply wasted chasing after money. It isn’t.
Three, if what she does isn’t trivial or pointless, then it’s a good example for her kids to have a role model of someone who does something of value for others.
Growing up I never got to visit my father at work or understand what he did, so I resented it when he spent too much time away at work. This in part is why I now work in a family business– work makes sense.
However, it would have helped me tremendously to be able to see what my father did, and how he contributed to the community around him, and what value he added to the world. I’ve come to understand it only in retrospect, but it would have been much more helpful to start during childhood.
The great majority of human history, children learned work from their families, knowledge was passed from one generation to the next, and one connected to the community through work.
It’s only recently that we’ve alienated schooling and work from the rest of our lives, and I think the big challenge ahead is not how to avoid work but how to reintegrate it to the fabric of our lives. Work shouldn’t be something we do just for the money, and it shouldn’t be something that diminishes our lives, but enhances them.
Ironically, I do actually work with my husband. So while I do spend time away from my children, I get to see my husband and best friend off and on all day.
Although the work I do is valuable, it is still “work.” And the worst part about it is that I have to physically be here each day. I can’t work from home. Everything I do requires putting a suit on and driving here every day. I’m glad to have a job and I love what I do, but I look forward to the day when I no longer have to make such a commitment. Working in a mortuary is extremely taxing. We give up weekends, holidays, evenings. I cannot tell you how many birthday parties and family parties we have missed. There are too many to count.
The point is…I work extremely hard and I make the most out of every penny I make so that I can have more choices and more time- now and in the future.
Just saw this after posting below. Yes, that’s a hard work arrangement with two little ones. I work predictable hours from home and still have additional flexibility. I get why you feel that work is stealing from your kids. Not sure how much longer you plan to be working but if it’s another 5-10 years I would consider changing to a different job.
It is hard with two little kids! I don’t know what will happen in the next 5-10 years. I really do love my job and there are some things about it I would miss. Some days I definitely think it’s worth what we give up and others days it isn’t at all. Only time will tell.
Having kids is very hard! And from the sounds of this and past posts you work very hard. It is difficult to find balance with all the demands of domestic/commercial/self-care needs.
I guess the only thing I can say is that it is good that you are paying attention and thinking about these things.
Good Luck!
Hi again Holly,
I couldn’t presume to know all factors that go into your decision, but it seems to me, you’re suffering for not being able to spend enough time with your kids right now.
If that’s the case, then wouldn’t you want to slow down at work NOW, maybe go part-time, and get back to work full-time once the kids are older/more independent, even if that delays your retirement?
I’m only asking because it seems to me you’re trading the present for the future– but as your article makes clear, who knows about the future?
No, actually, I am fully aware of the trade off I’m making. Yes, I could work part time. I could even stay at home and not work at all. I don’t technically have to earn any money for us to do well.
Do you have kids? A lot more goes into the decision than just deciding whether to work or stay home. Of course it would be nice to stay home with my children but I also want to provide for them now and in the future. I want to pay for their college. I also want to save adequately for retirement so that I’m not a financial burden on them when I get old. Many things factor into the equation.
I choose to work. I like to work. I also like the feeling of being able to quit tomorrow if I want to. And living a frugal lifestyle allows me that.
I get what you’re saying, but I don’t get that working harder now will buy you more time in the future– I especially don’t get that from the widow’s story.
If anything, I get that the future is not guaranteed to anyone, and ultimately, the only time we have at our disposal is the now, and we have to make the best of it– even at work.
I’m with you in that good money management gives you more freedom and more options, but it doesn’t follow (to me, anyway) that reasonable/balanced time spent at work has to be a blight.
I never said I’m working *harder* now to buy time in the future. I said that I take the money that I earn *now* very seriously and that is why I live a frugal lifestyle. I don’t want to waste money that I earned by spending time away from my children.
You may not understand my perspective and it’s okay! Every story doesn’t click with every person =)
Ha ha, but Holly, you said this:
“Working in a mortuary is extremely taxing. We give up weekends, holidays, evenings.”
If it’s extremely taxing maybe you could use a moderate break or even a sabbatical now, even if that means delaying retirement is what I’m saying. But I’m not saying you have to do it! I’m just saying that it comes to mind.
I love your article by the way– I do! I just take away something different from the widow’s story. Of course– we’re all different! :)
This exchange between the two of you…was fun. Holly, I am so you!!! It’s about the bottom line, meeting goals, and reaching that climax of finally allowing yourself to let go. Nerdo–this is why I adore you. You are such an Ideologue, of sort—I love that(!) and so wish I could be–I’m jealous. I’m really in understanding with the both of you. I “admire” Holly–because I identify and KNOW that she will push hard for her goals to be in the “achieved” column come hell or high water—and soon! But, I love that Nerdo lives in the moment and is saying—“live now, why wait.” Oh, Nerdo–if we could all be you.
Ha,ha!
Believe me, when someone gives me advice to quit my job I find it very tempting! But that just isn’t me. I’m a workaholic through and through. It’s just who I am.
Excellent perspective. To take this a step further, it’s a reminder to plan for the inevitable — do the final planning to care for the loved ones you leave behind. I was widowed last July when my healthy, strong husband passed away very suddenly. Being relatively young (in our 40s) without children, we had not done any final planning apart from buying life insurance. I too would give everything for one more anything with my husband, and I know he would hate what I am going through with probate in California. Make the choices you want to make to be with your loved ones now, and make the choices you need to make to ensure they are cared for whatever may happen.
I’m so sorry for your loss, elenagraziela.
Exhibit A:
“I would give anything to have my husband back for just one day. I would trade every dollar I have, my home, and everything I own.” … knowing that her wishes would go unanswered. What she truly wanted was impossible.
Exhibit B:
“We can still buy time.”
I don’t really know how articles with gigantic glaring contradictions like this make it through editing.
Tyler,
Don’t take it so literally. We obviously cannot walk into a store and buy time like we buy groceries. That isn’t what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that being frugal with the money I earn means that I can work less now and later. For instance, instead of getting a second job I can just live on less and have more free time.
I know what is going on in your personal life and I just want you to know that I am very, very sorry. There really are no words to express what you are going through.
Well, you can apply money to trade one sort of work for another, and that’s really what this is about. You are given a finite amount of time, and you get to choose where to spend it. Having money gives you more time-spending options, but acquiring money takes away time spending options.
Working fewer hours so that you can spend your time at home creating craigslist ads to sell things and more time arranging and showing things for sale is sort of a tradeoff. You can spend your time on either, but either way it’s spent. The same with anything else, really. You can spend your time at home with your kids or in the office at work, but neither is necessarily going to be better. Yes, lots of times, you’d rather be at home with your kids, but sometimes, you have an incredibly deep conversation with someone wise at work, and some days your kids are tired and spend the whole afternoon sleeping and so you just clean the kitchen anyway.
My point is that time spent is simply used up, and the only way to rank some time as better used than other time is personal, and you never get any of it back.
The best thing we can do is learn to see the good in all the things we do. Work or play, hard or easy, fun or boring. If there is no good in an activity, or so little that it doesn’t justify the time spent, stop doing it, but don’t assume that the value of time spent at work is just the money earned, because that time still contributes to the body of experiences that make you who you are. It all counts.
Time, unlike money, is not fungible, we can’t trade it back and forth because each second is different. We’re obligated to spend 24 hours of our precious time every day, and we get to choose what we spend it on, but once it’s spent, we can’t get it back. There are no refunds or returns or exchanges. At the end of the day, I hope you like what you bought, because you’re stuck with it now.
Money, really, barely factors in. We mostly trade money for comfort, which I guess makes our spent time seem nicer, but we don’t trade it for time. We buy houses and cars and lawn service and dry cleaning and a lot of stuff to make our time feel nicer, but we still spend the time. Paying someone to mow your lawn so you can spend the time with your kids doesn’t buy you time with your kids, it just buys you time with your kids not making them help you do yard work. And stuffing your money in retirement accounts so you can retire at 50 instead of 70 will let you sit at home when your 55 instead of in the office while you hope your grown children call, but they rarely do. You didn’t necessarily buy anything but time in front of the TV instead of the computer screen. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than that, but many people don’t all that money saved and your family still doesn’t come visit.
The focus then, should be on how you spend your time, and you convert just enough into money so you can buy food and housing and whatever you need that will make you enjoy the time you’re spending.
That was pretty rambling.
Love this post! Hits on a ton of our own family values, particularly around how being conscious of how fragile and short life is can be life-affirming and help one make decisions on a daily basis that we’re not going to regret later. This statement really hit home for me though: “…each dollar I earn is literally paid for with moments away from my children.” Because I think that this is a dilemma that a lot of working moms face.
I used to love working but then I had a child and ever since guilt has followed me everywhere. I feel guilty that I don’t get to spend enough time with him, guilty for not being more focused on my job some days, guilty for sometimes enjoying my work, and guilty for the financial impact that reducing my hours or not working would have on our family. So lately I have been trying to relax and look on the bright side. For the record, here is some of it.
-His grandmother watched him for the first two years (he is 3.5 now), and as a result they have an incredible bond.
-He shows a lot of signs of being a mama’s-boy so the time away is a good thing for both of us
-At one point we did a brief stint at a daycare, at the age of 2 he was potty-trained in 2 weeks under the wise instruction of his teacher there (he is ready! she told me)
-We followed the daycare with a personal nanny who was an amazing caregiver, artist, and gardner. We all learned a lot from her, especially me!
-At preschool now he is learning every day and is socializing with other children. This week he has been schooling me about American presidents. Last week you would have thought it was Christmas he was so excited for their Valentine’s day party. Oh yeah, and for the life of me I couldn’t get him to take some medicine on Monday. But at school the other children encouraged him and so for the rest of the week it has been a breeze getting him to take it. A breeze!!!!
-He will likely be an only child and so the burden of caring for two aging parents will fall on him. Having both of us working right now means that we’ll be prepared with funds/insurance/etc so that it won’t hinder him. It also means we’ll be able to give him a good start in life education-wise.
All that said I have some rules. When he is sick, I take care of him. No caregiver (not even Grandma) and I don’t care what’s going on at work that day–he comes first. I have a flexible work arrangement and I am idling my career a bit, and plan to do so for some time, because I don’t want a job that requires significant travel/stress/long-hours while he is young. I don’t aspire to retire early (but I do aspire to be financially independent soon) and am actually looking forward to going for it career-wise later in life. I never stay late. Ever. I can log on after bedtime if needed, but the end of the day (4:30-9pm) belongs to my family. And like you, we’re frugal with our money so that we will have the freedom to work in jobs that we love, and at schedules that suit our family.
I completely understand the motivation of the mantra that your work is stealing from your kids, and have carried it for myself for some time, but again, there are times when being away from your kids is actually a good thing.
Great post. What it all really comes down to is living in the moment and appreciation of what we have. Its a life-long (and often un-) learned lesson but its one we all have to acknowledge. Being frugal and having enough money to not over-work and miss important times is a great thing to strive for.
Eesh, death isn’t the end all of everything. Just because someone dies doesn’t mean they’re gone forever. Death is simply a transition. *You* still exist once your body dies. I have friends who’ve died, and I know I’ll get to see them again. A couple years or decades of waiting to see them again is just a drop in the bucket of eternity.
Great post, it really puts things in perspective.
Buying time… what a great perspective. Thanks, Holly!
What a truly powerful post. Thank you for writing this.
Hugs,
Trish
I traded money for time when I quit my job as an epidemiologist a year and a half ago. I was earning more than half of our family’s income, but I was also miserable.
Now we’ve had a third child and as it turns out, working would cost me more than I’d earn. My husband has more opportunity for advancement in his field than I had.
I now do ghostwriting for a few clients in my “spare” time when I’m not wiping little tushies or baking cookies or taking a kid to school or kissing booboos or cleaning toilets or grocery shopping or going to a garage sale to pick up clothes for the toddler or baby.
We also have more family time since during the day I can run those errands and take care of things like laundry that used to eat up weekend time.
For us, it doesn’t pay to work since we’ve got a newborn, a toddler and a kindergartener. It would cost us $40k per year for childcare at the lowest cost place in town. I’d have to earn about $75k in a paid job just to cover childcare (after taxes, union dues that were taken out, bus pass / parking pass). I didn’t earn that much and due to government wage freezes, would likely never earn that much.
I agree that money can buy time. Having that free time to make moments and remember them with important people in your life…
Holly,
Wow, what a powerful concept! Money is indeed important, but only to a certain point. To someone who has lost a loved one, no amount of money will fully console their loss.
At the same time, it’s true that each dollar we earn is done so by trading bits of our life away. But we don’t have to choose one over the other. If we spend our time wisely now, we can free up the time we would have traded for money later.
For example, you can invest the time now to start your own business instead of simply trading it away for dollars. It’s not going to be easy building up your business for sure. But once it is viable, it could become a source of income for years to come even if you stop working. Compare that to spending the same amount of time working at a job, where you’ll still be trading your time for dollars years into the future.
I believe it’s important that we build something worthwhile during our lifetime. Something that will have value long after we’re gone. Something that improves our little corner of the world. Even if you don’t make much money doing it, you can still look back and say that you spent your time wisely.
And isn’t that what a good life is all about?
Great column. I love the message. Thank you.
Beautiful post! Thanks for the reminder :)
I am planning to take a mid-life sabbatical to enjoy some extra family time with my partner, who is older and already retired, and my dogs, who are in the prime of their young lives. Having been frugal for many years, I can afford to do this now. Being frugal means giving yourself more options, even though sometimes it is hard to keep saying no to myself when I want to buy some shiny new thing. When that happens, I think of my family and how I would much rather have extra free time with them than buy X.
Funny how it is always old people who recognize that time goes by quickly. I am getting older to the point that I am one of them. My life is more than half over. I glad I enjoyed all of it and hopefully will live another 35 years with my true love (my wife). I try to make every day count.
Great article! Even though im young, i do think about this all the time. Prolly because i have a 5 year old and 6 year old. Right now i work part time and before i used to work nights and spend the day with them. I agree with a poster who said we have to spend time with them now and not once they get older then dont even want to spend time with their parents because they will be ready to do their own thing but for now mom can be the number one person in their life.
I never felt guilty for working because i love to work no matter what i doing. When i stay at home for vacations i actually can’t wait to get back to work, i get so restless after a while. I think it works out for mommy and kids. There are times that i wish i could go on field trips with them but i try not to miss any special occasions at school. try to make them feel special and they’ll apperciate it.
I like this quote from LORT, “All we have to do is decide what to do with the time given to us.” We are given our own time and we get to decide what to do with it. We know what is coming and thus we should prepare for it. Looks like you got a good plan there Holly.
I enjoyed both the original article and the insightful comments posted, particularly Tyler’s. In a piece of nice synchronicity, I’d taken a vacation day from work and went with DS (who is on school vacation) to watch Bugs Bunny cartoons at a local theater, shop for comics, and eat pizza. I’ll remind him of this as I make him help shovel snow (again) this weekend. :D
I’m only in my 30’s and I struggle with the concept of time and death. I’ve always had an irrational fear of death (or of being unable to take care of myself). Right now I struggle with earning vs. debt. I want to be debt free so we can live a better life, but I’m wasting life by always working. Trying to find balance is incredibly difficult, but I keep trying. Thanks for the reminder.
Good message. I guess more than anything it emphasizes the need to have balance in life. While it’s important to put money away for the future and plan for a rainy day; you also need to treat yourself occasionally for hard work. I deal with quite a few widows in my line of work. There is nothing sadder to see than a couple who have worked hard all their lives to provide for retirement, only for one of them to be struck down by serious illness within the first few years of retiring. All those plans they’ve made together for how they would spend retirement, can be changed in the blink of an eye.
This all hit me much, much earlier. My closest friend, dearer to me than my biological family, died very young. She developed Hodgkins Disease at age 21, & died, after a few brief remissions, at age 26. She was a talented artist, just beginning to have her own gallery shows, a singer, a kind and beautiful and incredibly interesting person. I was fortunate enough to be with her at the end, & would have given anything to trade places; I loved her dearly and the world is a poorer place without her. Over 20 years later, I still think of her and miss her,though I have a good life of my own. But she was very special. And as I watched her die slowly, over 5 years, with those few almost cruelly teasing remissions, believe me, it really hit home that anyone can be gone, any time, and you need to cherish whatever time you get with those you love. I keep that in mind, always. I do not have children, but I married my soulmate, and after 20 years with him, I am still very conscious, every day, of how precious every minute with him is. He’s considerably older than me, & while that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, I think it makes me even more aware of every minute we get together. I don’t have a large circle of family or friends, but I consider myself very, very fortunate to have, or in some cases have had (I lost another dear friend not long after the first), some very special people in my life, & I don’t take that for granted. Having your closest friend die at age 26 really makes you think hard, and appreciate everything you do have.
Amen.
This article sums up perfectly why I decided to take a year off while I’m in my thirties. Time with my children and my husband who is a stay at a home dad is too precious. We saved and now are enjoying (most of the time ahem) each other’s company before the kids grow up and before we retire. I would love to see a family sabbatical become “culture” in the US.
Dave died in 11/11, after us being together 22 years. That was after his first wife died, after they were together 22 years. Dave tried to prepare me based on what he’d gone through with Cathy but the year we’d been “given” turned out to be far, far less. I wouldn’t give everything to have one more day with Dave. I wouldn’t dishonor his memory by making that wish. He worked hard, I worked hard; we worked hard together to build a life we could keep heads raised high and know we’d done the best we could with what God gave us.
Dave accepted Christ only five days before he died of a sudden, massive heart attack and not the cancer we were told would kill him “in a year”. Dave has made it Home; I would not wish him back with the pain and suffering he knew all too well at the end. We spent our 22 years together, 24/7/365 and made them all count. I will never have that life again and that’s all right; I had it once, with Dave.
This is the best article I’ve read on GRS in a long time.
Perfectly stated Holly, thank you (even if you did make me cry).
I tried to negotiate with my employer to work 20hrs/wk when my son was born almost 5 years ago…we eventually came to a compromise and agreed that I could drop to 30hrs/wk from 40. The way I see it, I am spending 10 more hours away from my children than I want to, so I recently put some of that money to use by hiring a cleaner…now I don’t have to waste half my weekend doing something else that takes me away from my kids, but also manage to live in a clean and tidy house! :) Win, win. If I must work and miss time with them, then I am going to put that money to work for me. We’re not wealthy by any stretch and a cleaner seemed extravagant to me for a long time, but now I’ve done it, I see how precious all those minutes are and it’s worth missing a couple of take-out dinners for!! Being frugal does have its rewards and luxuries!
I could not have expressed these sentiments better myself. Sometimes it is difficult to balance the frugality half of the equation with the enjoy your time with some treats that cost money half. But time and having adequate money are surely the key ingredient to fulfilling dreams.