The joy of being average
When I asked the community whether we have the duty to live up to our potential, many of you balked at the notion of living up to anybody else’s standards but your own. I read every single comment, and the general feeling is that society has unrealistic expectations of what one should do or should be. I agree with the general feedback. Screw society. Do what you want to do and don’t let anybody stop you.
The only caveat I see with not living up to your potential is the feeling of regret. I never want to fail due to a lack of effort, and that’s exactly what I did when I didn’t try out for high school football. I can fail because I’m too stupid, the competition is too good or there was some uncontrollable, exogenous variable that negatively affected my chances. But when I know I’m not doing everything possible to succeed, then regret inevitably creeps in. You don’t want to go through life wondering what could have been if you had tried just a little bit harder.
In this post, I’d like to discuss the joys of being average. Since college, I consistently tried to massacre my mind and body by studying and working like no other. In college, it was imperative to graduate at least magna cum laude to give myself the best chance at getting a good job. When I landed my first job, there was no question of getting in by 5:30 a.m. and leaving after 7:30 p.m. every day for the first two years because I knew nothing — and people who know nothing are easily disposable.
But after 13 short years, I was done. I no longer wanted to kill myself at the age of 35. So I left to make no money as a writer. Instead of getting up at 5:30 a.m., I let myself sleep in until 6:30 a.m. or even 7 a.m. — even though 6:30 a.m. is when the stock markets open on the West Coast. I no longer cared about reading everything possible to get an edge in my investments. I wanted to kick back and smell the pink jasmines that grew all around my deck. Now I spend a couple hours a day writing for various online publications and another hour or so over e-mail connecting with folks. It’s such a far cry from the 14-hour days on The Street. I’m as average as can be, and it feels wonderful!
3 Benefits of Being Average
- Lower expectations.
- More safety.
- More happiness.
How Being Average Works in Your Favor
Let’s look at some examples to demonstrate what I mean.
Education
Imagine going to Harvard for $180,000 in tuition over four years and landing an average $40,000 a year job that anybody from any college could have gotten. What a disappointment when it comes to money, especially if your parents are not rich and you didn’t get any grants. If more people thought about the financial implications of college, there would be less of a student loan crisis.
I feared high expectations, so I decided to attend the College of William & Mary for $2,800 a year vs. $25,000 a year for a comparable private school back in the ’90s. If I landed back in my old job at McDonald’s, I would be disappointed — but at least I could cover all four years of tuition earning minimum wage. Unless you are rich, it’s an inevitability you will be starting your career in a financial deficit.
Physical attributes
Imagine growing up as a beautiful and fit kid. All your life people treat you special because people are shallow that way. Then, one day, you discover the joys of eating. You put on the freshman 15 in college and never lose it.
After you get a job, you realize working out is a luxury you don’t have. You’re now 31 years old and 30 pounds heavier than you once were. The 15-year high school reunion is coming up next year and you are stressed out of your mind! You’re worried about your ex-classmates snickering behind your back for letting yourself go.
Instead, if you were average looking with an average body in school, people wouldn’t care that you gained 30 pounds as a male or a female. Weight gain is an inevitable part of life in America.
Wealth
If you are wealthy in America, you are either idolized (e.g., the Kardashians for some reason) or assailed (e.g., the top 1 percent). Since it’s easier to become wealthy than to become famous and wealthy, let’s focus on the former. Politicians will arbitrarily determine an individual making over a certain amount is wealthy regardless of their educational background, occupation, or geographic location in order to engage in class warfare for votes.
Even though you do make more than average, you feel excluded, which is an uncomfortable feeling any minority will understand. Unless you are an inventor, people will tend to look at you suspiciously regarding how you accumulated your wealth.
If you are of average wealth, there is no need to hide. You don’t have to send your kids to private school, play tennis at a private club, obscure your home address, worry about kidnappers, or fear persecution by the government. The idea of Stealth Wealth makes no sense as you walk freely among the crowd.
Taxes
Paying taxes is fine if you know everybody else is paying a similar amount of taxes. But if you start paying a higher and higher percentage of your income in taxes along with a higher absolute dollar amount in taxes AND you get called greedy and evil, you might feel tremendous frustration. You may start to question why you are such the bad guy if you are paying the majority of this nation’s taxes — even more so than your share of income.
Being average, you are able to fly under the government’s radar by no longer being a target for tax increases. The frustration you have with government inefficiencies starts to dissipate. You’re also more likely to become a beneficiary of tax increases, some of which goes to help fund public education and maintain our national parks. As someone who has spent the past two years out of Corporate America, I admit I feel a heightened appreciation for the government partly because I get to relax in the parks and utilize the library more often now. The return on my tax dollars has increased tremendously.
Sports
In 2012, my 4.5 level league tennis team won the San Francisco City Championship. Glory! We were the favorites to win again in 2013, but we didn’t. We lost 2-3 in the final after our No. 1 singles player was up 4-1 in the third set and blew it. Although it is quite an accomplishment for any team to repeat back-to-back finals, we all felt extremely disappointed. If we were in the middle 4-6 teams out of 10, we’d be ecstatic to have just made the playoffs. Many of us decided to give up tennis for months because we were so depressed.
A very similar situation happens with golf. As a 23 handicapper, golf is pretty fun due to the occasional money shot from 240 yards away that lands within 10 feet of the hole. As a 9 handicapper, every shot counts and if you don’t par a hole you are disappointed. I enjoyed golf much more when I was a hacker.
Work
Most workers are average by definition. Only the bottom 10 percent really are at risk of being let go in any given year if there is no major structural change, e.g., closing down a department or going through a merger. So long as you are in the middle, you can happily go about doing your work and practicing the coveted work-life balance. It’s a great feeling to punch out by 5 p.m. every day, enjoy your weekends, and schedule doctors appointments in the middle of the day. You’ll get your raises and promotions no faster or slower than otherwise expected.
However, if you are in the top 10 percent, there is an expectation from your managers that you will always keep producing outstanding work. You can’t be outstanding forever, and eventually you will revert back to average work. But your average work is much better than the work of your average peers. Unfortunately, in your manager’s eyes, you are failing and will likely be punished as a result. I remember being admonished for going from the No. 2-ranked to No. 3-ranked, when just a year ago I was given high-fives for moving up from No. 10 to No. 8.
Intimacy
Let’s say you are known for being a modern-day Casanova. Everybody knows you go on a different date once a week because women love you for your charm, physique, humor, and financial stability. You’re getting older now and no longer want to play the field. You just want to settle down with one woman.
The woman you fancy knows all about your playboy reputation but gives you a chance. You act on your best behavior, but when it comes time to get intimate, you can’t perform due to extreme anxiety that you won’t be the best she’s ever had. You wish you had a blank slate where she had no expectations. The same type of anxiety and insecurity can be said for women, as the marketing industry so deftly manages to exploit.
Save the Ability to Under-Promise
The first thing a mentor told me when I graduated from college was to “under-promise and over-deliver.” If you are outstanding at everything you do, you don’t leave yourself much upside to over-deliver. Keep some things back a little and slowly roll them out during appropriate times. Eventually, you will hit a wall where you just can’t get better. If expectations are out of whack, you’ll come across as a disappointment no matter how awesome your average is.
One of my biggest fears about leaving my job in 2012 was the raised expectation for writing good content on Financial Samurai. Since I would have 12 hours more a day on average to write, surely my articles would double in humor, double in insight, double in knowledge, and double in page views. The only thing I could control was doubling the length of each article from an average of 750 words to 1,500 words. Everything else was left up to the Internet gods.
Again, should we continuously try to live up to our potential? Thanks to the feedback from my previous post, it looks like the answer is “no.” Even though there are literally millions of people around the world who would give up everything to have the same opportunities we have in America, our potential is for us to decide and for us to waste. After all, the key to happiness is to be satisfied with exactly what we have.
So here’s to being average! If you find any punctuations or spelling mistakes, please be kind. I’m not F. Scott Fitzgerald and this isn’t the New York Times!
Do you enjoy being average? What are your thoughts on ever-increasing expectations? Is it more fun to be average or stellar?
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There are 94 comments to "The joy of being average".
Three cheers for the average man! Hip Hip Hooray!
Congrats on your averageness my man! Cheers to you as well.
I don’t agree, we only get one shot at life and we should aim to reach our full potential. It’s like having a Ferrari car and keeping it under 30km/h to avoid accidents.
But what does it mean to reach one’s “full potential” anyway? People put down the idea of being average, but obsessing with living up to one’s full potential can be a self-centred way to live if taken too far. Expecting everyone else to live up to their full potential too is going to make things very challenging.
I think we really need to look at whose standards we feel we have to live up to and why.
I’ve always wondered what’s up with the Ferraris and Porches who drive at the speed limit on the high way. What a waste.
But I do understand why the same cars drive so slowly off the free way. So everybody can, “LOOK AT ME.”
Why should potential be defined by a Ferrari? Can’t a more practical, more reliable car do better? Should “potential” have to be defined by the flashy and overcompensating?
First of all, I don’t think good writers are “average”. There are a lot more people who think they can write well than people who actually write well.
I think “average” is a state of mind rather than a state of being. We’re all average in some areas but some people are okay with it and others will fight like heck to improve.
Do I care if I’m above average at sports or calculus? Nope. I’m not exceptional in the looks department either, but there’s a limit to how much I’m going to fight to measure up to someone else’s ideals. I’m okay living in an “average neighbourhood” and driving a “below-average” car so I can have an above-average savings rate.
I guess what I’m saying is we have to choose our battles.
Isn’t a good writer by definition, not average?
Yeah, it was way too early in the morning 😉
I just meant that some people consider writing to be an “average” career. Those who do it well are anything but average!
Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
I actually believe that “Anything that’s worth doing is worth doing badly.” Trying anything and giviing it your best shot – even if you fail – or only perform in an “average” way, is far better than never trying at all. Fear of failure holds us back – but it’s better to try and mess up (or find out that you are just not very good at what you thought was going to be your life’s passion) than to live with the “what ifs?”.
I would offer an amendment to this comment to include “… and then trying to get better at it.”
I think of the scene in The Last Samurai where Capt. Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise) was learning to fight with the samurai and, having been beaten, got back up to continue the fight. Time and time again, he gets back up after having been beaten, astonishing his opponents who ultimately learn to respect him.
Whether you’re average or not when you begin, it still takes a certain discipline to keep going back and continually trying to improve. Whether you end up being better than average after that struggle may speak more to your ability to see what you need to change to improve.
I think the same holds true for our finances. We may not be very good at managing them when we begin, but learning from our mistakes, picking ourselves up and continuing to get better is what’s necessary to live up to our financial potential.
Insightful and thematically relevant! Well done Linda! 🙂
I love your perspective 🙂 I can’t remember how my mom used to phrase it, but her philosophy on doing something exceptional was that it’s part genes and part learned. Natural talent will only take you so far — honing your skills and practice are key.
As a teacher, I saw quite a few students worked really hard at something they’re not good at just to be “average”. Their work ethic and determination set them up for success in the areas where they do excel.
Great post, Sam. I also follow your Financial Samurai blog and appreciate your different take on things.
Cheers Rose! Nice to meet dual readers of both sites.
I go back and forth between wanting to be a successful stand out to just wanting to be average. Corporate america is rough and I can’t possibly see myself sticking around till I’m 65.
I’m still trying to figure out what I’m passionate for. You race through school developing the skills you are good at, but forget to figure out what your passionate about.
If you can already see yourself not wanting to, or not being able to stick around to 65, then you MUST be above average by saving like crazy, working like crazy, and doing something different from everyone else.
B/c if you do exactly what everyone else does, then you will receive exactly what everyone gets. Our system is designed to capture the majority of people.
Make the choice!
I have to disagree with your point about physical attributes. First of all, maintaining your health is possibly the most important thing you can do. Secondly, gaining weight is not inevitable, in fact, your physical fitness is one of the few things you have 100% control over (unless you’re one of the very few people who has a thyroid issue or something comparable). Harnessing that control can be incredibly empowering in all aspects of your life.
@Stephanie, you said it better than I could! Weight gain of course is inevitable if you eat crap and never exercise.
You sure about that?
I think you’ll enjoy this post: Proof Your Weight Is Almost Entirely Genetic And Not Your Fault
http://www.financialsamurai.com/proof-your-weight-is-almost-entirely-genetic/
I’m sorry but I don’t buy it. Body types are genetic for sure and there can be a genetic predisposition to obesity (its on both sides of my family) but that doesn’t meant you can’t be a healthy weight and size.
Not everyone is able to eat the Standard American Diet, even what is considered “healthy” by the FDA and remain at a healthy size. Its not even as simple as calories in, calories out.
I’m not going to get too far off topic, but I think the last thing a lot of people need to hear is that they are ‘fine as they are and nothing can change that’ giving them justification to not even try and head to the buffet.
I agree, the author of this article seems to provide as “evidence” only that some guy in prison didn’t lose weight even after 25 years of prison food. Obesity is common in my family….my grandparents and parents are all overweight, as well as several people in my generation. I am not overweight. I also happen to be the only member of my family who counts calories and exercises. I’m thinking that’s not a coincidence.
I’m guessing the people who argue with this post are NOT predisposed to being heavy. I was a plump toddler, a chunky kids, a “big” teenager, and a heavy (OK, obese) adult. I’ve spent literally half my life trying to lose weight. I’ve had some successes, but it’s HUGE amounts of work, and I have doubts I’ll ever get all the weight off. I eat well-balanced meals, attend weekly Weight Watchers meeting, and spend over an hour a day at the gym, but I’m still a good 50 pounds overweight. My sister has *not* stressed about dieting like I have, but we still wear the same size clothing and are very close in weight. There’s gotta be something genetic going on.
I agree that there are people who have a natural tendency to be heavy, whether caused by a slow metabolism or something else. There are also medical conditions that can make it very difficult to lose weight. But I do not think that everyone who has family members who are overweight should just accept it and decide they can’t do anything about it. The guy in jail cited in this article most likely had some kind of medical condition. I just don’t think we have to accept weight gain as “inevitable”.
I am definitely predispositioned to being heavy. I was overweight in my early and mid 20s due to PCOS/insulin resistance. I must say my way of eating is unconventional but was able to keep the weight off for almost 8 years now.
In addition to that, I have a slow thyroid (related to another, more serious chronic illness) that I’m getting taken care of.
If I did nothing and eat what the average person eat, I would be obese now.
Toni – I’ve observed the same thing. Most who don’t think genetics has a majority to do with our weight band have never really struggled with weight.
I do believe there is a combination of genetics and self-activity. I just think genetics is closer to 70% of the reason. There is a reason why my buddy who never works out has a four pack, and only have killing myself during high school could I match him.
There’s a reason why a 400+ lbs man is obese while in prison. To not recognize genetics and a weight band is strange.
I hope to create more empathy in society for those who “do not fit” society’s mold through my post.
Fight on, and never surrender!
I think you should give your best effort in whatever you do. Even if it ends up being average!
You don’t have to be rich to avoid a financial deficit when starting a career. I had a scholarship for undergrad and a fellowship with a stipend for graduate school. I started my career with savings.
You are right. I need to add the word “almost” and inevitability to the sentence, ” Unless you are rich, it’s an inevitability you will be starting your career in a financial deficit.”
Can you share with us how you graduated with savings on your own?
I had good grades and great test scores in high school. I didn’t work during the school year, but did work during the summers after I turned 16. I went to a small, public university that was looking to reward good grades/high test scores with tuition and room/board scholarships. A National Merit scholarship and another outside scholarship covered books, and summer money covered incidentals. My parents didn’t charge me rent during the summer and I didn’t need a car to get to work.
I went to grad school for science. Unlike some fields, many science programs pay your tuition and offer a living stipend. Mine came as a fellowship, so I didn’t have to teach to earn the stipend. I lived frugally and was able to live on the stipend and even save money. I lived with a roommate within walking distance of campus.
Hmm.. I prefer to be the best I can be rather to just get by. That would also be awesome if other people stopped “just being average.” Maybe we’d have more people off government assistance that way.
I think the people you’re griping about are below average, not average. In terms of income, I mean. I know what the average household income is in Canada and I’m fairly certain people on assistance aren’t making anywhere near it.
Ironically, if everyone aims to be above average than the average ends up being higher. If you get a 90 in a course where everyone else is in the 85-95 range, then your class is doing well but you’re not exactly exceptional. I think we make the most gains when we’re distinctive.
First define the potential you are trying to live up to. In a nutshell, for you it’s being the best at everything. It’s not even being best at what you do, that’s not enough. The idea that you could have been best at something you never even did, haunts you. Forget being the best at everything…you’ll never be able to even DO everything, so either way you’re setting yourself up to fail if that is your goal.
Here’s a thought. I don’t think anyone is meant to live up to their potential. What a sad day it would be to be able to declare “Whelp, I’ve reached my potential. Guess I’ll just pack up my bags and go home”. In fact the very definition of ‘potential’ makes “reaching ones potential” an impossibility; by default you will always be a step behind. Most of the definitions pretty much sum ‘potential’ up as “possible, but not currently realized. Capable of becoming”.
I think those with the mentality that maximum potential is something to work towards (with a healthy awareness that it will never be acheived), vs those who think it’s something to be conquered, are probably much happier and satisfied in life. Maybe we should change it to “Raising your potential, but only if you reaallly want to”. Doesn’t have the same ring, but it’ll do.
I assume you didn’t sit back and do nothing in the time which you would have potentially been kicking basketball’s ass, right? So then what would you have been giving up if you did basketball instead? Because you would have had to give something up; until otherwise proven, it’s generally agreed that time cannot occupy two spaces. When we think about going back and changing specific things we tend to forget about the unintended things that would change as well (have we learned nothing from Back to the Future?).
Anyway, ‘potential’ is a vague word popularized by equally vague motivational posters. Chasing potential without defining a goal is like chasing a ghost’s fart. One could strive to reach their potential for being the biggest ass in North America (there’s a contest going on at Fox and Friends). But before you go flying off after potential it’s best to know the motivation behind it first, or else you’ll get stuck in the “what if” loop. What if you would have been an amazing basketball player? Aside for checking some made up list, what benefit would it bring to your life, to others, to our world? I think it’s important for us to think carefully about what we want out of life, then USE our potential to achieve those goals. One way to get started is instead of asking “How can I reach my potential?” ask “How can I reach my potential for….”
I did enjoy being average for a while because I was burnt out from being overachieving and from striving for excellence all the time.
I was always in the top 10 student in school. The country where I grew up, you were ranked based on merit and semester exams, ranked from 1 to last. Students would be streamed into classes ie the top 30 students all belong to 1 classroom, 31-60 in the next etc.
We had national standardized test for ages 12, 15 and 17 (for college entrance), for every test you had the chance to ‘move up’ in the academic excellence ladder. There were schools that only accepted the best of the best. I went to one of those high schools that accepted the best students from the country, I was in a boarding school at 12. It wasn’t brutal competition, it was cooperative competition. We all built leadership skills and following skills, not just academics, morals, debates, sports, languages, we were groomed to become the nations leaders. I was 12.
Like many other students from this school, I won a national scholarship that gave me a free ride to a top University in the US. Harvard, MIT, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford. I went to U of I because it was 2nd to MIT in my major. By senior year I was burned out, I just wanted to get out, get an ordinary job and chillax.
I got out, my classmates went to work for Intel/Apple/Microsoft/Boeing/top consulting firms. I got an ordinary job, where I can fly under the radar, be mediocre,take it easy, watch youtube videos intermittently between 8-5.
6 years later, I became quite unhappy and didn’t know why. I wasn’t satisfied at my job and didn’t feel challenged. I was stuck. I could do so much better, I needed the intensity of the battlefield, the surge of excitement and difficulty and plowing through problems like a BOSS. I was pushing papers in a cubicle. I think my average life was just a phase to rest and recuperate. I’m ready to get back to something more intense.
Your story definitely describes the dangers of always trying to be the best: burnout.
I guess I was like you, and burnout out after 13 years of doing the same thing. Now I’m kinda like a vagabond, doing side jobs here and there, traveling, and wondering “is this it?” At least when I was in the system, every directive was kind of clear.
It does become a struggle to find your own way.
Trying to enjoy being average doesn’t work for me: nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/ambition/‎
Given the career path as “the founder of the Yakezie Network, the largest personal finance blog network on the web,” it doesn’t seem like it works for Financial Samurai either.
Nicole and Maggie– I got a 404 when I tried your link. 🙁
It seems to work for me… maybe you need the http in front? http://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/ambition/
Thanks!
I think that being “average” by society’s standards is totally fine so long as we are continually taking risks and stretching ourselves by our OWN standards. We should measure ourselves by where we used to be rather than by where everybody else is.
Personal growth is satisfying and addictive, whereas trying to meet everybody else’s standards is exhausting and overwhelming.
My husband and I are about to embark on a big risk that some admire and others think is totally crazy (we are moving into a school bus with three kids on our own land), and as someone who is typically of a both-feet-planted-firmly-on-the-ground kind of mindset, it actually feels really freeing and right to be doing this at this point in our lives to achieve our goal of building a house.
I think it’s making sure we are always stretching ourselves in ways that best serve what WE want to be doing rather than letting society set the standard for what is “average” and “excellent”.
Wow! That sounds like a great adventure! I’d love to follow along and see how things go. Good luck!
You are most welcome to 🙂 We move in on Saturday!
This is a double edged sword and I think another commentor got it right. We are below average, average, and above average in a variety of areas throughout our lives and those things can morph all the time.
Do I expect to become a great investor or am I okay with investing in the average of the market with index funds?
Do I become the best at a very defined area at work, or good at being a generalist?
Do I make my vacations the best planned and executed events to be the envy of all others, or do I just go somewhere to unwind and enjoy?
If I take up a sport to go all compentative and dump thousands of dollars in professional training to become ranked, or do I go once or twice a week and enjoy it at a club level?
I guess in the end, you and you alone need to be enjoying your life and deciding if you want to work more on your “potential”, whatever the heck that really is. For some that means finding the biggest wave and surfing it, for others it means downsizing, moving to a new local and enjoying the sunsets.
This is slightly OT but the author of this piece has brought this up twice as being very important to him. HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS. His big regret in life so far is not playing high school football and he’s way past high school now. And he isn’t the only male I have heard regret that.
At my 40th high school reunion there was a small turnout but most of the men who came had played on the sports teams, particularly football. They wanted to relive the times.
I honestly don’t want to sound critical but I just don’t get it. High school is a tiny portion of your life. You went through it, now move on.
Just sayin’.
Anne, haven’t you seen Al Bundy from Married With Children? HS football all the way!
I mention it again in this article as a writing technique to draw from the same beginning regret as the first article, and then move on to discuss different things. So, I think it only counts as one mention 🙂
Just a point. Almost every kid I know who played high school football ended up with a significant to serious injury. Typically, broken hands or feet, torn up knees or shoulders. A number needed surgery. I’m not saying you can’t get injured in other sports, but it seems to be the norm in football and they act like it’s a badge of honor.
So Sam, maybe you’re actually lucky not to have played, because the concussion you may have gotten could have caused your short term memory to mess up and that could have trashed multiple test scores for a month or so, which could have affected your grades, which may have been just enough to have kept from the future you’re currently enjoying.
The brain damage isn’t pretty, and is quite subtle in many cases. I agree that not playing football was a good decision.
One kid gave up football (and he was a really good young player) because, “I only have one brain.”
I would not agree that the College of William and Mary is average…
Agree. In the context of this post, William & Mary is below average for cost of education.
Of course William & Mary is the #1 public university in the country for academics 🙂
I think we are all average in certain areas and outstanding in others. Unfortunately, some of the areas people excel in are not necessarily recognized by society when we talk about “living to our potential”. I think I am above average in my career but not necessarily top tier because I would rather spend my energy being an outstanding mom. I admire people who have cultivated their empathy, who go the extra mile for others, who develop a spirit of kindness, who can get out of their personal bubble, regardless their successes in other parts of their life. That is the potential I am striving for. Besides,isn’t average just a mathematical way of sorting out the company you keep?
I don’t think weight gain is “inevitable” as we get older. You just have to work harder than you did when you were younger to stay fit. I think genetics have more to do with it as well, and your genes dictate how easy or difficult it is to stay in shape.
As for being average or above average, I will say that there is definitely more pressure on me to be successful, but that is because I was voted most likely to succeed. Without sounding like a narcissist, I am definitely more attractive and fit than my fellow peers. As a woman, I think this can either help or hinder me. If you are too attractive, people (especially men) don’t take you seriously. But if you aren’t somewhat attractive, men don’t even consider or notice you. I feel like I offset my attractiveness with my athletic ability to earn respect. When men see me show up in a cute pink golf skirt, they are probably thinking “eye candy” and nothing more. But when they see my golf swing and I beat 95% of the men I play with, I am given a lot more respect and most of my clients I give lessons to are men.
I actually enjoy the pressure and think I would be much more likely to “let myself go” if I hadn’t been attractive and fit growing up. And let’s face it…attractive people have an easier time in this world and according to studies they make more money. Is it fair? NO! Is it reality? Yes.
Staying in shape definitely takes a lot more work as we get older indeed!
Thanks for addressing my point about attraction.
Such shallow people, the world is! 🙂
Let me go do some situps and pushups now.
A good followup to the earlier article.
I think all that self-help stuff has too much hype on that topic of “being the best.” We often hear the stuff “be the best you can be,” “strive for being the best.” But it doesn’t always work that way. We can’t always be “the best.” That saying “be the best you can be,” is actually a warning against mediocrity. I am sure Sam does not promote mediocrity. What he’s promoting is, you can’t always be the best as you want – there’s a place for the average!
We all want to be the best, but often approach it with narcissism. And we often approach it with the misconception that if we don’t win, we don’t actually become the best (as in, winning over others), then we are failures. That is absolutely wrong. We can’t all be the best, because, in the end, we are all average.
There is a need for average people, because they are needed as the benchmark for others to shine. The problem with the self-help hype is that some may condemn accepting just letting others shine. But that’s life – you have to let others shine! Don’t try to hog all the glory for yourself.
So perhaps, part of the discussion is the definition of terms. What do you meant by “potential?” What do you mean by “average?” What do you mean by “the best?” I mean, if we think our job in life is to win a competition against others, that makes life hell. But when we do our best and accept what we have and become content with it, whatever our best brings, that is happiness.
And I agree, we have no duty to “live up to our potential,” because other people may just be feeding us with false ideas about our potential. They may also be filled with misconceptions. We should learn to filter through their talk and take only the things that ring true for us.
I wrestle with this constantly. I’ve always been a bright guy, so I try to live up to the brains God gave me. Also being a tall, white male is playing life on easy mode I hear, so why not take advantage of this and climb the ladder as high as you can?
But does the amount of effort to claw to the 1% (by income I just made it to that last year for the first time, at 37) really bring happiness? I view the pursuit of happiness as my meaning of life for us humans, and I long ago concluded that material wealth is not the way to get there. Giving to the less fortunate, sharing with friends and family, a sense of community, relationships, and the pursuit of attainable goals is what gives me happiness. Okay and music, drinking, and reading.
None of the above requires an above average income. Yet I work for a boss that is monsterous and don’t have most weekends or evenings free because I’m trying to make the most of my potential; and keep up with my over achieving friends and relatives.
Thanks for the post, Sam!
Congrats on making it to the 1%!
Just keep it under wraps. You don’t want to wake up with a lot of people at your doorstep demanding you pay for your sins!
Did someone define the top 1%?
Roughly defined as income over $400,000 a year.
http://www.financialsamurai.com/how-much-money-do-the-top-income-earners-make-percent/
Even if we strive to be proficient in certain aspects of life, there are always going to be some that we’re not so great at. Balancing it all out, we’re essentially all average. I prefer to focus on a few key areas to improve that I know lead to more happiness. I believe in what you described as “stealth wealth” and I’m happy flying under the radar as long as I know I’m improving. I’m fine being “average” in the eyes of the rest of the world.
Oh God, I’ve wrestled with this my whole life. The part about how you can only be outstanding for so long, and then when you become an above-average worker, your boss is disappointed in you? Yeah, that’s my whole life– with the boss being either my parents, a sports coach, or a teacher. Growing up, I never really understood that this was happening, and the pressure and frustration were insane.
So what happened? I became a procrastinator due to fear of failure and never really tried as hard as I could.
I was also stuck in this frustrating limbo where I was never on top, never on bottom, always somewhere above average and no one cared. My friends loved to compete against me because if they could outscore me on a test, then they knew they were smart…and in turn I would look at the top 3-5 students in my classes and feel the need to do better than them, but never could. And who was always recognized for their achievements? My friends and those top several students. Me in the above-average-almost-but-not-quite-extraordinary was not recognized. My parents would lavish my brother with gifts and praise when he got a C on an Algebra test, and if I got a B+ in Advanced Calculus, I’d get a disappointing look and “you could do better.”
I still wrestle with “being average.” I did not live up to my parents’/teachers’/coaches’ dreams or my potential. And I dont want to anymore. I wasnt making them happy and I certainly wasnt happy. But it’s really hard to think of myself in another light when all my life I was told I could do great things. I have this perverse need to make my authority-figures proud. Still working on being proud of myself.
I feel you.
Life can get pretty damn frustrating when we are being compared to others or see others succeed or expect more from us.
I have the same issue w/ my father who always used to say, “Just not good enough.” It still annoys me when he’s overly critical when he hasn’t done anything successful that he’s criticizing me about. But, I just tell him to point out how i can do better and go with it now.
I’m not sure whether not feeling a social “duty” to live up to your 100% complete potential as being superhumanly better than anyone else at one thing equals a life of mediocrity. Does it?
I certainly don’t have any burning desire to be outstanding or average at anything. …I just don’t care enough. No need to put myself on a scale or chart of success. Here’s an idea: have fun with the things you do and don’t regret the things you missed out on. The past is an easy story to tell–it’s already been written and you can read it as many times as you’d like. The future? Hell, there’s gotta be some fun and good times to be had there. Keep an eye out for opportunities.
As I was walking home yesterday a moment of self-realization hit me and I said it out loud, “God, I’m a bloody… dilettante! And I really like it!” While at the same time as being a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, I found incredible amusement in the idea.
Love your writing here and on Samurai, Sam–but you’re a bit of a black-and-whiter. …A classifier of sorts.
Sometimes to see the middle, you must write in black or white.
Sam, I have just started reading some of your writings and this article confuses me a bit.
First, I like your comments on the issue of those who are high earners always needing to feel “guilty” and “hide”. I would love to start a blog for the top earners in America, but they probably wouldn’t have time to read it and I would be fearful of being hunted down and stoned to death by the masses.
I have been in every income spectrum and I would never want to go back to being just average or struggling to make ends meet. When I look back, my struggles were mostly due to poor choices I made in my life.
I am extremely resentful of having to pay such high income taxes on my earnings. The US needs to continually punish those of us who do well.
My daughter, who is in her 20’s, continues to make very poor choices and is always a day away from being homeless. My advice falls on deaf ears. She says she likes her life and her free time. When she runs short of funds, it would never occur to her to get a second job. That would cost her couch time. It is extremely frustrating to me.
Yes, when I do something I do tend to go overboard, but I have learned to temper that over time. For the most part it has served me well.
Being average has it’s place, but I am afraid that average is starting to trot along besides “entitled” in the United States.
Hi Chris,
This article was in response to the majority of people in my first post who said we really don’t have to live up to anybody’s potential. (https://www.getrichslowly.org/do-we-have-a-duty-to-live-up-to-our-potential/)
As a pretty fair-minded fella, I wanted to see the positives of not living up to your potential and being content with average. (This post).
Is it possible that your daughter is being perfectly rational though? She’s happy, so isn’t that the bottom line? She also has you to fall back on in case she gets in a lot of trouble. Again, more rational thinking.
It’s when people grow up with NOTHING and FEAR they will always have nothing, where they tend to rise up and work their butt’s off.
I think almost everyone associates potential with careers. If you’ve applied yourself, moved up the ladder at work, and made a lot of money than you’ve reached your full potential.
But when you are so focused on your career than you may not be reaching your full potential in regards to spending time with family and friends, physical fitness, happiness, etc.
Last year I moved to an easy low-stress job, with stable hours, and feel like I have lost some of my “career potential”. But I now have an extra 1.5 hours per day to do other things that make me happy, like working out and once I have kids, spending more time with them. I think my life potential has grown although my career potential has not.
haha interesting perspective… not for me though, tad bit of an overachiever 😉
While you do make some good points from a different perspective, I think aiming for just average isn’t always good enough for the individual or for society. If we strove for just average we wouldn’t have many of the luxuries and developments we have today.
This bit resonates with me, “I can fail because I’m too stupid, the competition is too good or there was some uncontrollable, exogenous variable that negatively affected my chances. But when I know I’m not doing everything possible to succeed, then regret inevitably creeps in. You don’t want to go through life wondering what could have been if you had tried just a little bit harder.”
The most important thing is to live up to your own expectations rather than the expectations of others whether that be in your career, fitness, health, goals and aspirations. If aiming for average makes you happy, then there’s nothing wrong with that, but neither is striving to be better.
I went to a private college, graduated with $50k+ in school loans (would have cost $120 without scholarships), and couldn’t find a job because of the economic crash. So I enlisted in the military. I make less than $35k a year (admittedly with benefits it’s about $60k) so I guess I would count as a “disappointment” according to your Harvard example, but for the most part I like my job. Do I have moments where I wish I made more money? Do I sometimes wish that I had applied for a commission instead of enlisting? Yes to both, but I do not for one second regret the money I spent for my education. I had wonderful teachers and friends that I am still in touch with to this day. (And after being in for several years, I prefer to be enlisted.)
Well, not quite. Given you spend $50K+loans, it sounds like it’s a worthwhile endeavor since you’re making $60K. That is the formula for how I believe one should value a college education. http://www.financialsamurai.com/how-to-value-a-college-education-to-help-an-abysmal-net-worth/
But if you spent $120,000 on tuition… then I think you would have regret. But maybe not. Just my opinion.
There are a lot of things I’m just average at and that doesn’t bother me. But I do try to be better than average in a variety of things. Even if my results don’t come out the way I hoped if I gave it a solid effort I’ll feel pretty good. “The race is long and in the end it’s only with yourself.”
“class warfare for votes” and claims that you are hurt so much by having to pay taxes.
And me pointing this out (because you don’t think money spent on taxes has more impact on your budget when you have a much smaller income, for reals?) is going to make you feel “assailed” I suppose. Oh well I ought to just roll my eyes at the martyr complex. If there’s class warfare going on, it’s certainly not being perpetuated by us ordinary people.
I think it’s hard to understand if you’ve never been there. It’s kind of like it’s hard to understand what being a minority in America is like if you’re a majority.
But if you are commenting out of experience earning a top 1% income ($400,000+), then I think that’s great you never felt like you were assailed.
Equating suffering racism and suffering the effects of “class warefare” because you are in the top 1% of wage earners is ridiculous. I can tell you stories about racism and its horrible effects. Money is power, and one of those two groups has money/power. Perkins made a similar argument about class warfare and compared it to the attacks against the Jewish people in Nazi Germany.
No, not all within top 1% feel assailed. I have a lot of wealthy friends, but the only ones who make these type comments are all Republicans. Perhaps it’s a coincident, but I personally think that it’s being used because the best defense is a good offense.
I’ve noticed people who are not minorities always discredit how minorities feel, and people who are not in the 1% discredit how the 1% feel. Strange how people can discredit others without ever being in their shoes.
Is there a chance you don’t make a top 1% income and you are not a minority?
The problem with a lot of America is myopia. They don’t speak a second language, have never traveled abroad and simply don’t have perspective.
I’d much rather trust a person who has been poor, middle class, and rich, than someone who has never been rich to tell me how things are like.
Average is OK, but I am hoping for an above average retirement…
I never want to move into my own apartments.
Average in most things but good in others makes sense, though. That’s the theory of multiple intelligences. But still, it doesn’t guarantee that you can be the best in your field of expertise. Just competent. But just build upon your competence. It’s like being the best already.
I want to add that my strategy is to be at least slightly above average in the areas I care most about. But I do not see myself becoming an expert or professional anything because that’s not my style. I tend to get bored before I master something, or I’ll wake up and realize there would be little value in mastering this thing and my time would be of better use doing something else. Not to say it’s all a waste…like someone mentioned, there is much between average and superhuman.
Also I’ve learned not to be fooled by the “average” person. You can’t tell what someone has done, or plans to do by looking at their career, physicality, or the amount of money they appear to have. People sometimes confuse “average” with a lack of uniqueness. Most people will fall outside of average in at least one, or several areas and I don’t think the word “average” should be applied to the person, but rather the subject. It’s much too nondescript of a word to describe something as complex as a human being.
That being said, I do love being underestimated. Not hard to accomplish being a young (who gets mistaken for much younger), black female in America. The author is right about the theme of lower expectations, but I use that to my advantage rather than for a pass to ride the wave. It’s far easier to impress when people don’t expect much out of you anyway.
This article lifts up the importance of tending to the constant tensions of life. I am a mentor for a middle school student and am striving to understand his purpose, goals and ambitions–which are not high. This article helped me see the importance of weighing two important purposes.
Embrace the tensions of life–work to achieve your best, and be grateful for what you have.
Fantastic of you to mentor a middle schooler! I’ve been a mentor before and it is not easy, but very rewarding when you see that your advice has helped.
I strongly agree. Being an average person is totally worth-living.
I disagree about the weight comment but other people have covered with why they disagree. You make other good points though. When I was a little girl I wanted to be wealthy. I wanted a mansion, a car collection, I wanted to own designer clothes and have a maid and a butler. Don’t laugh. I really did want these things.
And then I grew up and I realized the things that people have to do to earn that kind of money. And that they often have to sacrifice family and friends for that. I also didn’t have any passion for the law, or engineering, or health care.
I realized what corporate life is really like. When you’re in high school no one talks about bosses that play favorites, co-workers that gossip and cause unnecessary drama, etc. No one likes to tell the truth about the corporate world and office politics to teens.
I decided that I didn’t want to sacrifice time at work and miss out on my parents, my friends, my bf and my personal hobbies. I love spending time with loved ones. I love to going to the library and checking out books and other media.
I love to travel and going to state parks, hiking, the gym, and visiting museums. I love volunteering in my community. I love to draw and paint. All these things don’t cost a great deal of money well except for traveling. But even then there are many things you can do to travel inexpensively.
I admit I have my toys such as my tablet, a nice TV, a decent computer, etc. I don’t over consume though. I’ve never had a garage sale or had to donate to Goodwill because I use everything I own and I also don’t like to clean. My house is clean but I prefer to not own too many things because I really hate to clean.
I don’t feel that I’m deprived. After my introduction into corporate life I realized that I don’t want to work in the corporate world until I’m 65 and my lifestyle doesn’t cost a lot of money unless I travel. I do travel because I love it. So saving and investing is a path to freedom for me.
If other people do want mansions, car collections, designer clothes, butlers, maids, and yachts then that’s wonderful. I’m happy for them. I’ve met wealthy people and they’re just as diverse as the middle-class and the poor. I just don’t have enough desire within my psyche to work for those things.
So yes to many people I seem “average” but what if the things you like to do are the things that make you a happy, healthy and fulfilled human being even if others consider them “average”?
So in the end I chose to go to a community college and then a state university for my bachelor’s. I didn’t care what college I went to and since I live in the mid-west, a lot of people here don’t make it a big deal, they just care that you have a degree for professional jobs. The attitude here is much different from the East and West coasts.
I chose an “average” middle-class career. My chosen career is programming, but it’s 9-5 with weekends and holidays off, PTO, health care and dental, a 401(k) plan, and I can dress casual on most days.
After your necessities and certain luxuries are taken care of, you realize that time is a very precious commodity. It doesn’t make sense to me to spend more time at the office and be even more subjected to office politics.
This is a fascinating discussion. No matter what your view is on being average or excelling, I would say that BALANCE is what you’re ultimately after. Deciding the correct balance for you is what determines your decision to excel at one area of your life vs. another.
I’m a mom and wife with a FT job and a side gig. If I chose to “excel” at one of these areas, the others will suffer. I’d say my personal scorecard looks like this:
Mom – average: The kids are in daycare, but when they’re home at night and on weekends I spend every moment interacting with them until bedtime.
Wife – average: We have date nights as much as we can, but we have two small children so that’s where our focus goes.
FT job/career – above average: I’m well qualified in my industry after spending 5 years excelling. Now that the hard part is over, I’m working at what I consider above average. Due to my excelling years, I was recently offered a promotion. If I’d accepted the promotion (they come rarely at my level), that would put my career back in excel mode. Since I now have young children, I choose not to spend the extra time/travel/stress required.
Side-gig: below average: This is a craft hobby I do to wind down after the kids are in bed. It brings in some side income. There is potential to grow it, but I can’t afford to spend the time doing that. For now, I am holding par until I decide to retire.
This balance works for me. I enjoyed when my career was in excel mode, but 5 years was enough. I still like my job and now I get to do it from home, making for an easier balance with mom-hood.
I like the balance! And if you feel that you aren’t happy with being below average somewhere, then I’m sure you’d work to improve that situation. Everything is rational!
Thanks FS. Yes, exactly. “Above average” vs. “excel” have and will continue to change at different times in my life. At first, I had a really hard time downshifting my job. I felt I was giving up what I’d worked hard for. But I’m finding my reputation is unchanged and the people I work with consult with me on major changes and let me select projects that continue expand my skill set at a more measured pace.
A few years back, I caught up with someone I knew in college. She sort of indirectly wondered why I wasn’t “living up to my potential,” because I had always been ambitious. She never married and is able to focus full time on her work. I’ll admit, her career is impressive and I do get a twinge of jealousy when I see her achievements pop up in my Linked-In feed.
But I know what I’m doing is right for me. I’d regret not being a mom and I’d regret not spending time with my children. Those are regrets I would not be able to live with.
This is the least inspiring work of literature that I have read this year. I rejct the advice that I should get fat, rest on my laurels, not try at life, accumulate debt for education, and other generally self-defeating comments.
Mr. Money Mustache would say that you suffer from a complainypants disease and that the only good cure is a punch in the face.
Before you punch all the readers and myself in the face, know that I tried to invigorate the first time around with the post (https://www.getrichslowly.org/do-we-have-a-duty-to-live-up-to-our-potential/), but failed. So I figured it might be best to try things a different way.
But I do understand that If I was making as much as MMM every month I might more freely punch people in the face too 🙂
I don’t want to constantly measure success by society’s standards, but neither do I want to be simply average. I want to be me and enjoy a life spent embracing exactly who I am. I want to be exceptional where it matters to me. Football mattered to you. That’s why it feels like failure. I could care less about sports, and feel no regret at all for never participating.
That said, regrets are a part of life. There are always going to be choices, and sometimes choosing one means not choosing the other. The choices that you make all lead up to where and who you are now. If you had played football, maybe you would have become a hot shot football player and lived a totally different life. Maybe it’s better, maybe it’s worse, but you can’t ever know that. The question is, do you like where you ended up? If the answer is yes, I find it’s pretty easy to leave any potential regrets behind. I wouldn’t be here if I had made different choices.
Also, your life sounds less like average and more like Huge Success to me. It all depends on what you want out of life. Figure out what you want your life to look like and then measure success based on whether or not you’re living it.
What a difference it would make if we could place the emphasis on reaching one’s potential to correlate with one’s values. Our culture seems to focus on career/income. Grading myself on that criteria, I’m below average. My qualifications, education, experience line up with an administrator. Instead, I chose to be an under-achiever – a admin assistant in a government agency.
Why? Foremost, it is easy to be very good at my job. I’ve automated every aspect. My supervisors leave me alone as I’m over performing in my job requirements. I have no one to supervise, no travel, and definitely do not take my work home. A flex schedule is available as no one needs me to make decisions.
The difference in income is ~30%.
I like to run the numbers when evaluating options. There are costs involved with higher level positions: Travel (time away from home, kennel fees, stress, prep time for presentations), Supervising (drama, stress, competition, personnel issues), and then there is ‘dress for success’, ongoing training, accountability for decisions and networking. The additional level of work, anxiety and costs did not justify the 30% salary difference. But, my potential has been realized by foregoing the career aspect. My time, health and income are directed at family relationships, hobbies, and 3 trips to Iceland annually.
I’m looking forward to reading the comments on The Joy of Being Average. It is an important conversation for all of us at any age. Knowing there are options is invaluable to our quality of life.
Sheesh, way to capture the reason people “assail” the 1%. Whining about paying a higher absolute dollar amount in taxes when most of your income is probably taxed at the capital gains rate? Having to send your kid to private school in a cab? My heart just bleeds. GMAFB.
This is an excellent response!
It proves why it’s much better to be average than rich.
Thanks for sharing. Down with the rich!
Great article. I love the thought of striving to be average. Most people are right there. This choice is not a moral choice. Nothing good or bad about being average.
I embrace being average. I just hope people who settle for average take a fling or two at their passions. Being average does not mean one does not have passions. Average people are not duds I have met many “average” people who have followed their passions and have become very “above average”by doing this.
The author is young but wise. Thank you for this article.
Let me add, I think the problem is associating “potential” or success with money. For example, some will say, a person who can earn a million dollars a year, but is earning only $50,000 a year, but is satisfied and happy with it, is doing something wrong. This may be what being average is. No, for me, there is nothing wrong. A person knows how to be content in life with the right things, they don’t yearn for more than they need.
It’s also associated with that prosperity gospel hogwash. For example, if you’re rich, you’re doing it right, but if you’re poor, you’re sinful and immoral. This is one of the greatest wrong teachings ever and it causes more harm than good. One’s spiritual state is never related to their physical state.
One friend also shared a good opinion about being “blessed” – what does it mean to blessed? Does it mean being rich, lucky, comfortable, free from problems and all? NO. The friend pointed to the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the poor in spirit…. the meek… those who mourn…” and you know the rest. Basically, God blesses the LOSERs according to this world’s standard. Because the “losers” tend to have the right behavior and principles in life.
Another misconception is the parable of the talents. People believe this parable refers to people’s aptitudes and skills. But NO. It doesn’t. Theologians and experts who study this say that it has nothing to do with personal talents. Can’t fully explain what it really means here, just read up, but I’ll just say it actually has more with spreading good around you.
The joy of being average is in my opinion being able to lead a balanced life and enjoy a little bit of everything that life has to offer. Balanced life again like everything else is subjective as everyone would define it differently. I lead an average life and I am happy. I have almost always been average at slightly above. Time is all there is and there are various avenues in which you can strive to be better than most and while you pursue that, you lose time for other things. You can be good at something and still be average. The balance of having a job that pays well enough to pursue my interests while giving me enough time to to cater to my emotional and physical needs is all I strive for. I totally cherish the joys of being average. Enjoyed your article.