The Regrets of Christmas Past
Every summer, my wife and I cull our closets for stuff we and our kids no longer use. This is followed by a yard sale (complete with the obligatory lemonade stand from our kids), and the items that aren’t sold get donated to a local thrift store that uses the proceeds for charity. In the end, we have more closet space, some extra cash, an entrepreneurial opportunity for our kids, and a tax deduction.
And a little bit of regret.
Many of the items that get sold or donated were gifts we purchased for our kids or each other. They were enjoyed for a short time — or, sometimes, not at all — then relegated to the Pile of Misfit Stuff. It’s like that Marla Singer line from the movie Fight Club:
Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam, it’s on the side of the road.
Kinda depressing. And expensive.
I know: It just turned November — do we really need to start talking about the holidays already? Well, if you’d rather not, read the rest of this post with your eyes closed. But my wife and I are already planning, because this year we are trying to avoid spending money on gifts that only provide a onetime squib of joy.
We know that no gift will be enjoyed forever, and that part of the fun of the holidays is letting lose a little bit. Also, we’re a little surprised each year by which presents turn out to be the favorites, so just limiting the number of gifts makes us a little nervous. Maybe we’ll cut out the wrong ones!
Our solution is to make an extra effort to spend less on the presents we give, and to give presents that will survive next summer’s closet-culling. Here are some things we’ve learned through the years:
Give things that provide repeat pleasure
Obvious, I know. But it’s not so obvious when you’re shopping. Two Christmases ago, we bought our son a Spider-Man action figure that climbed on doors. It looked so cool! And it was pretty fun…for about five minutes. Compare that to the Roku box I bought my wife last year. It allows Netflix subscribers instant access to thousands of movies and TV shows (though not necessarily the recent blockbusters). We don’t have cable TV, so NetFlix is our main source of movies. By getting the Roku box, we cut our Netflix subscription down from three DVDs at a time to one, saving $8 a month, which paid for the box in less than a year. And we use it several times a week.
When it comes to kids, we’ve found that gifts with narrow uses get used the least. Conversely, gifts with multiple uses, in all sorts of places, and in all sorts of spaces, get the most action. The classic example is Legos, which my kids play with in their rooms, in the bathtub, in the car, and even use for homework projects. (In fact, the Legos I was given as a kid serve as the foundation of my kids’ Legos collection; that’s a gift that has retained its usefulness!) A slot-car racing set, on the other hand, requires set-up, takes up space, and the cars just go ‘round and ‘round and ‘round.
Get it used
We’ve already started prowling Craigslist for things our friends and family might want. If items on your “To Buy” list are suitable to be given pre-owned, now’s the time keep an eye on the classifieds and (if you have an open-ended “To Buy” list) sites like Freecycle.org.
Buy year-round
This is something my wife does very well. She buys potential presents at all times of the year, when she finds them at excellent prices, and keeps them in the “gift box” in our basement. It’s also handy to have when you’re invited to a birthday party and don’t have time to get a gift.
Give experiences over stuff
This may seem to contradict our goal of buying things that last, but you know what they say about memories and all that. For my mother’s 70th birthday, my sisters and I took her on a trip. It wasn’t exactly cheap, but she valued it more than anything I could have wrapped. Plus, some experiences really can be the gifts that keep on giving, such as art, photography, or cooking classes (complete with providing babysitting services, if required for the recipient to attend the classes).
Buy in bulk
Sierra Black recently wrote about the pitfalls of buying in bulk, and I agree. But if there’s ever a time to save by buying a lot of stuff, it’s the holidays. It works for gifts, and for food if you’ll be entertaining or hosting relatives. As an experiment a couple of years ago, I looked at how much I’d save by shopping at Costco compared with my regular grocery store. I bought nearly identical items at both places and spent 37% less at Costco.
Underwear!
One holiday season, I bought pairs of white underwear in bulk, decorated them in ways not appropriate to discuss on a family blog, and gave them to my friends. I assume they were gifts that got multiple uses, though I didn’t perform any random spot-checks. The point, of course, is that homemade gifts really can be the most memorable…and least-expensive.
Be honest about what you don’t want
I have a very spotty record when it comes to buying things for my wife. In the past, she was too nice to tell me when she didn’t really like something I bought her. So it stayed in our closet until the next summer, and then…well, you know. Now, I keep all receipts, and she’s much more comfortable returning items that I gave her. (And I’ve been better about getting her friend’s help at holiday time.)
J.D.’s note: Robert may be worried that it’s too early to write about Christmas, but if Google traffic to this site is any indication, the Christmas season started weeks ago. Last year’s article on homemade Christmas gifts has been on fire!
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There are 79 comments to "The Regrets of Christmas Past".
I’m a big fan of giving and receiving experiences as presents rather than items. Experiences are memorable and don’t fill up closets. Nothing like going out to a nice dinner or seeing your favorite sports team play live.
The waste associated with Christmas has indeed become depressing.
I am tough on a lot of issues. But I have a hard time being tough on this one.
We will be careful about how much we get for the boys. But we won’t be careful enough. Going by past experience, we will not draw the line boldly enough to solve the problem. I feel that this is one re which I pretty much have been overcome.
Rob
We actually use a site called Christmas Wish List to set up personal lists. We then do a Secret Santa exchange among siblings or within the family. Everyone gets things that they were really wanting, but the fun is in not knowing who will give your gift!
I’m a big fan of cutting back on the number of gifts given and received. I don’t think you have to worry about cutting out the wrong ones. Somehow when there is a significantly smaller number, the gifts are more appreciated. Maybe it’s like a collectible — the rarest ones are enjoyed much more than the ones that are a dime a dozen — even though they may inherently be very similar to each other.
Its not too early to start talking about Chirstmas but it is TOO EARLY for Christmas decorations and music in the stores.
For us, we have been slowly weaning the adults in our lives off of Christmas, come on guys you don’t need any more stuff and we don’t need any more stuff let’s come to an agreement on no more stuff exchanges. In my family, we have an agreement no gifts for adults (except for Gram and Grandpa they get a gift) at Christmas, we do give gifts during the year if we see something that is a must give for someone in our family. I’m a big fan of handing out birthday and holiday gifts all during the year.
Mr. Sam’s family, his Mom in particular, requires gift giving so we get her a gift but we ask her not to get us anything.
For our friends and neighbors we give gifts of hand made cookies, wine, etc.
For the kids in our families (two teenagers and two younger kids) we put money in their 529 plans and we give the two teenagers cash gifts and the two younger kids little fun gifts.
Mr. Sam and I don’t generally exchange gifts either, instead we put what we would spend on gifts into our travel/vacation fund.
We send holiday cards to everyone, our holiday budget (along with gifts for the dog sitter, my secretary, bosses, decorations, etc.) runs about $1200, we save $50 every pay period so when Christmas comes around we have $1200 saved up.
I’m a big fan of edible gifts, preferably home made. But the steak gift certificates, and gourmet food delivery are also pretty fun. People enjoy the experience of eating something that they may not indulge in themselves very often, then there is no clutter laying around 6 months on.
A favorite gift I give are the home-made truffles (recipe from Alton Brown) which I learned about on this very site!
I also like to keep my ears and eyes peeled when at a friend or relative’s house. Sometimes people mention some small thing they are constantly annoyed that they don’t have (like a tire pressure guage, or a soup ladle) but its something that isn’t on their mind when they’re at Walmart so they continue not to have it.
These types of gifts make great stocking stuffers, or for something like a soup ladle, you can get it hand made and local and its an extra special and useful present that gets used again and again.
Many people frown at the idea of re-gifting or giving used items…
But what if everyone is giving used items? Everyone would have to think of items they no longer use and that someone else would want and enjoy. It’s cheesy, I know, but you wouldn’t have to spend a dime. And if everyone else is doing it for you (planned in advanced, obviously), then it will be “okay”.
Very thought-provoking post…this is something that’s been on my mind as well.
It’s frustrating to put time and effort into picking out a gift you think someone will like, only to have it languish unused in his or her closet for a year and then be tossed out or given away. Just recently I was at my parents’ house and saw the remote-control helicopter I thought my mom would get a kick out of a few years ago–it was still in its packaging in the garage!
Makes me lean toward experiences or homemade gifts, although I still have trouble figuring out what people will like (in fact, I’m one of the readers who went back to find this site’s DIY Christmas gifts article in the last week or so!).
My wife and I try to never buy things as gifts. If we do, we always go practical (i.e.: Clothing). Usually, we make gifts. It gets a lot harder to do that because of the time it takes to make something and because a lot more thought has to go into it. Usually, I do things in the woodshop but my wife also sews things. It works out and we end up giving something that becomes an heirloom rather than a garage sale trinket.
~DB
Several years ago, we started to jump off the Christmas bandwagon, so to speak. We realized that there was a lot of excess and a lot of angst associated with getting that perfect gift. Now, my wife and I get each other a token gift and our immediate family has followed suit. The exception to this is the kids, although they are growing up and starting to level out in their wants (if that is possible).
Two years ago, we sort of “adopted” a single mother and her two sons. She is an immigrant from South America who came to the US to have a better life. She works very hard at my wife’s place of employment and has recently been promoted and just passed her citizenship test. Support from her ex is practically non-existant. Every Christmas, we make sure that her and her boys are taken care of with presents and a few gift cards to help out when things are tight. She is devoted to her sons and to giving them a good life.
This experience of helping someone who could really use it has really made me a better person. I look forward to the season now and budget specifically for helping this family out. Plus, it’s kinda fun to go to Toys-R-Us again.
Experiences are always a great gift idea. For the last two Christmases, My mother-in-law has purchased my husband and I gift certificates to the theater. We get to pick and choose about two performances throughout the year, and we really enjoy the gift.
I have also purchased Omaha Steaks as a gift for our families in the past. Yes, it won’t last until next summer (ewww, yuck!), but the whole family can enjoy the variety of the gift package.
And I agree with Sam #5, it’s too early for the holiday decorations and music in stores. We just finished Halloween!
My family is pretty straight forward about what we want – like circling it in the catalog or providing a direct link to the product via an email. This way you get and give exactly what you want. My friends and I just tend to go out to eat together as a gift. We even go dutch – sometimes these are friends I don’t see too often – so it is a nice present.
We don’t have kids, but my friends who do said to not buy them gifts. They get so much from grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc that it isn’t worth it to buy your kids anything at Christmas or their birthday.
We have been favoring experiences over toys and it has worked pretty well. Our son recently turned seven. His big birthday present from us was a trip to a water park, and we encouraged relatives to get him acting lessons which he really loved and basketball lessons. He still got plenty of toys from the kids at his party. Who knows, maybe one of these lessons will help him find a career later in life.
-Rick Francis
This year, my family decided that we’d all contribute to a fund to take a vacation together. We put money in for birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Days, etc, instead of scrambling to come up with a gift idea every couple months. Once the fund is sufficiently robust, we’ll use to to rent a cabin (or something–we haven’t gotten that far yet) and spend time together. The best gift of all!
Note that this doesn’t count for the kids, although typically I fund their 529s and give them something small (usually books, because I’m a librarian and can’t help myself).
I am also going the food route this year for a bunch of people. There are some local companies in Columbus making really good things, stuff I know my parents wouldn’t buy themselves, like cashew butter (YUM!) and real maple syrup, so I am getting them that kind of present. A nice little package of an assortment of goodies. I know they will get eaten and be liked.
I agree buying things year round for Christmas giving is a good way to go if you need to get several gifts.
I think my only splurge this year will be on nice (paper) wrapping paper for our son. It helps make Christmas morning really exciting for him and pretty and gives us really fun photos and memories.
The whole thing is more constructed out of a sense of guilt, obligation and social pressure, rather than a true spirit of “giving” anymore. It’s become a sad, expensive joke.
Giving is one of the most wonderful things we can do — but not out of obligation or feeling pressured at a certain time of year. Isn’t is silly and sad that we budget so we can buy people a bunch of crap they don’t really want? (And that they feel compelled to buy us crap we don’t want, even though most of us here seem like we’d be perfectly OK without it.)
Some people above mentioned that their families “expect” gifts. Some of my immediate family members are the same way. It’s fun to look for something you think a family member might really love — but the whole way of crunching all this “giving” into one day in December is pretty stupid, and negates the true meaning of giving, IMO.
My family absolutely cannot understand why I can’t come up with a list of things I want for Christmas each year.
Honestly, I could come up with something, but I just don’t want to. Christmas is supposed to be about sharing love for one another and I’m not the type of person that feels loved by receiving presents.
All I really care about is the togetherness. My girlfriend and I have almost entirely done away with physical gifts and moved to shared experiential ones and we couldn’t be happier.
Gift giving is a 2-way street, though, and I understand that much of my family get a lot joy out of buying a gift for me even when I don’t get the same joy in receiving it, so I try to be patient and understanding and of course, very thankful.
I’m a firm believer in gift receipts. I also have a very modest gift giving budget. But part of Christmas is the surprise factor, or buying something for someone they wouldn’t buy for themselves, or vica versa. Some of my favorite items are things that were too useless or extravagant for me to buy myself (kitchen tools, ipod & accessories, etc). But they always come with receipts and the understanding that there is no insult if they’re used.
We continue to give gifts, even among the adults, but we don’t have huge extended family either (one married sibling on each side, four kids between us, and one parent each). But we try to maintain the Xmas spirit. You know, keep it about the food :P.
Christmas is my downfall! I think last year I spent over a grand on my family alone. I pay for everything for my sisters, and then I still get everyone expensive gifts ($200 worth of cosmetics, $250 jeans…). I can’t seem to stop myself!
My extended family has done “White Elephant” for Christmas for almost ten years now. Every year, it’s a huge success! People get to get rid of stuff, some people receive a great gift, and the actual “exchange” itself is very fun. Lots of laughter, no money spent, and best of all, no extra clutter for anyone!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_elephant_gift_exchange
My rule of giving is that if it can collect dust, I don’t buy it. I like gifts you can “use up” or are intended for daily use.
P.S. Underwear???! I would find it quite bizarre for a friend to buy me underwear (and if you bought in bulk I’m guessing one out of every 6 may have actually fit the recipient). Kind of weird unless it’s a gag gift–and if so, not very practical, thus breaking the gift giving rules anyway. Just my 2 cents.
I don’t have kids so I don’t worry too much about going way overboard, but I think it helps to define a budget. My mom and sis and I are really close, and we usually agree on a set amount (at least me and my sis do). When I was still in university, I’d go all out with the gifts and try to impress my family, but in the end they knew it was just contributing to my debt. Sad, really!
So the last couple years I’ve toned down the spending. I think having a good meal and a few well though out gifts are the best ideas. I usually ask for a list and buy one or two items from it, and then maybe throw in a surprise or two. I usually don’t buy gifts for my friends, either – I guess we just never got in the habit!
In some ways i’m lucky not to have a really tight knit huge extended family, but usually those types of families do the secret santa type present exchange anyway, so you don’t have to buy for everyone.
This year I’m doing handcrafted gifts. I knit (check out the blog!) so close friends/family are getting hats, socks, &/or mittens. I’ve also already made soap and will be making some bath salts.
I may try making these….http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2007/06/cinammon_rolls_/
Also, will probably do some sort of coupon/experience books for the hubby & a couple close friends/family.
one last….I might make a webpage for my brother….he hosts kid’s parties, hikes, etc.
I don’t think well under the pressure of last minute shopping – regardless of the occasion. Like Robert’s wife, I either shop year round or I keep an envelope in the back of my calendar that has pages torn from magazines, pictures from websites, ideas jotted down on the back of receipts with the name of the store.
In addition to Christmas and Thanksgiving, we celebrate 8 birthdays within my immediate family between Nov. 2 and Jan. 4. If I didn’t plan ahead I would blow my budget and the family wouldn’t eat for a few months.
As of today I’ve already purchased or ordered about half of the Christmas and Birthday gifts I have to purchase. Three more will be done at the end of the week (handmade sort of gifts). I’ve scheduled ordering and purchasing the rest based on pay schedules. No credit cards here. I have ideas for all but three of the gifts I have left and though I’ve come up with ideas they have been shot down by my husband. The three are for his brother, his sister and her husband.
Planning ahead for all aspects of the holiday season makes it so much more enjoyable. I’ve already started planning for what entertaining will be done at my house, what meals I will have to cook and contribute to, and if I will be giving any baked goods as gifts. Many of the staple products can be purchased now which helps keep the grocery budget in check. We don’t travel during the holidays, but I have already started to think about who will be staying at my house and what I will need in the way of snacks and drinks (again to be picked up now and not at the last minute) as well as sheets, soap, and entertaining activities. I’ve gone through and figured what I need as far as wrapping paper, mailing boxes, and cards. Those are on the list for errand day this week.
It only takes a few minutes a day to be able to entirely enjoy the holiday season without totally undoing all of the financial good that we have been doing all year. I’ve worked too hard for the last 10 months to undo it all in the next 2. But I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays and wouldn’t want to forgo anything about them.
nickyt
We solve the kids gifts problem by giving “family” gifts — which, as several others have mentioned, are often food focused. Last year, we did an olive theme — Olive oil, olive themed kitchen linens/potholders etc, olive chocolate (!Vosges, I’m not sure if anyone was crazy about it but it was interesting!) and even books with “olive” in the title. We’ve done popcorn themes (with a hot-air popper), icecream (with a maker and dishes etc) and honey, and this year we’re doing a potato theme… Whenever possible, we include a jigsaw puzzle, and we can adjust up or down depending on the size of the family, how close we are to them and so on…
I have the opposite problem – my new MIL loves to give us tons of stuff we don’t need, and have no room for in a 2BR condo. Lately she’s been unloading all of her crappy knick-knacks on us. Husband feels guilty about giving/throwing it away, so into the closet it goes! We have hinted that we don’t want anything, anything at all, for Xmas; we’ll see how that goes!
First off, I love the title to this article.
We’ve been doing food presents sent to family and friends that we won’t actually get to see on the holiday for a long time now. It has become our tradition. Another tradition that I picked up from my mom is to make gifts. I just learned to knit and have been making scarves out of funky yarns for all the gals.
We always try to get/make something for everyone even if its just tiny and even if they don’t get us anything. It’s our favorite holiday but we never spend more than $500 during the holiday inlcuding gifts for our daughter. Many times we do what others do by buying early or I use craft supplies I already have. We never expect gifts from others although they usually get something for our daughter. One thing our daughter likes is we give her $60 to spend as one of her gifts and she gets to choose to go shopping to several different stores, add it to other money she receives to get a bigger gift, or use it to go downtown Chicago to do different activities.
haha, Legos were my first thought when I started reading this. Now that my son is old enough for Lego (he’s 4) we got the old legos out of the attic, and this will be the first Christmas we can put Lego on the list. Also, we usually don’t get him gifts (he has enough grandparents that he’s generally covered). But I ran into a Lego sale this week so I bought him one.
Then we have to see if people actually buy off the list. My family doesn’t always do gifts – we do “if you see something you know the person will like, feel free to get it if you want” but no expectation of gift giving. My partner’s family has the expectation that everyone gets everyone else a gift, and that you will send out a list – no later than Thanksgiving.
I have the hardest time making the list and then I don’t get what I asked for and it makes me resentful and angry, and then my partner is mad at me for being mad at them…the longer this goes on, the more I hate Christmas. This year I’m trying to just let go of any feelings about it.
I am vulnerable to overspending for Christmas, especially on my family and my children. In the past it was the one time of the year I kind of “let go” and would often get obsessed trying to find the perfect gift for everyone because I wanted to make them happy and feel uniquely “loved” (sound familiar?)
My solution (a work in progress for both myself and my loved-ones). During the holidays emphasize activities over materialistic things. Secondly for my immediate family, during the year if I see something they particularly want or need, to go ahead at that time and give it to them (I recently bought my mom a winter coat). Then at Christmas give framed photos of the kids, food gifts, or money/gift certificates that don’t involve so much shopping. These gifts are also appreciated, but involve much less going into stores on my part, and take the burden off me to find (in 60 days or less) the perfect gift for everyone I know. It is a work in progress because of my past behavior I do get long lists from my family what they want, so the scaling down of expectations doesn’t happen overnight.
Great Article! I’ve already started to shop for Christmas and know exactly what you mean….I’m going to suggest to relatives to stop doing gifts for adults. There are just too many things I get that’s pretty much end up in donation pile lke you. For adults like teachers and mail man and such…I’m creating a sphagetti kit as present…total cost for each gift is about $1.
With no small children and both sets of our parents dead, present buying is actually a little easier for us. Birthdays result in eating out and a movie from the two grown children who live in town. The others tend to send money and say for us to eat out or do something fun.
Christmas is mainly fun stuff-action figures from The various Dr. Who series, zombie books, candy, but nothing very expensive.
We also have several birthdays in November and December which may be the reason we ended up downplaying Christmas giving. We mad Thanksgiving the big holiday. That’s when we have the fancy dinner. Christmas is homemade pizza-husband started that as a family tradition when the kids were little.
I am considering making some of next year’s presents, probably afghans, so that will be a start very early project.
I just wanted to say that I love the photo of J.D. and his friend holding those odd Dutch child statues.
Elsie@#30 – Great idea with the spaghetti kits. This would be nice for those friends & family members who are out of work. I think we’ll have to add this in with our sweet treats to them. I also love getting these inexpensive thoughtful gifts.
I just don’t do Christmas and I have a husband and 8 month yr old son. I emphasize birthdays more than holidays but son/SO get experiences over meaningless things for the most part.
My husband just asked me the other night what do I want for XMAS and I said an experience like the ballet, symphony or write me a personal letter or read a poem to me that you like or keep a journal! I said if you feel the need to buy me something gold or silver long dangling earrings is the only thing I want. I have enough stuff so I want time and love not things.
For my parents who live in another state they will be getting black and white photos of me framed so they can see me since I don’t do pictures/cameras for the most part.
If anyone plans on making changes to long established giving traditions, you may need to start planting the seeds for next year now. Many people buy throughout the year and may not take well to sudden changes. And children may need to have time to change their expectation of what they will get and give.
This year my son approached my with the idea that of giving my husband a combined cash gift from the kids for his birthday and Christmas this year with the same for me next year. Both of our birthdays are in November. Hubby thought it was a great plan and the sisters went along with it. Once hubby will get cash for computer equipment he is always buying. Probably more terabyte hard drives. His comic book collection is now scanned and we keep multiple backups so that we won’t lose the collection. We also backupped up our dvd collection and watch from hard drive instead of the original dvds. So it’s hard for us to have too many hard drives.
The underwear idea made me laugh! Reminds me of a story I heard about my mom’s university days. One year, she knit tiny little hats and scarves in the school colors for her male friends as a gag gift. The materials cost her very little — it was the labor and the unique idea that made the impact.
My family broke the gift giving tradition with the “Give experiences over stuff” mentality.
We’re not anti-consumerism or anything but a few years ago as we were having a Christmas meal together and reminiscing about Christmas past. Every fond memory we had as children were the places we went and nights out we enjoyed, we could hardly remember what gifts we received. As the kids got to be about 16 we had jobs and just bought what we wanted with our own money, ever since then Christmas gifts were less important.
Since that night we decided to use 90% of out Christmas budget on dinners at fancy restaurants, Christmas shows, winter vacations, or nights out as a family. Right now none of us kids have children of our own so all of us are 25 years or older. If anybody else is in a situation where you’re buying gifts for others in the 20 or over bracket try it out.
Even with friends, agree beforehand to pool each-others gift money into a cheap ski weekend rather than giving each other a DVD box set. In 3 years you’ll still be talking about the wild weekend at the resort rather than the third season of Lost.
The added benefit is the stress of Christmas shopping is gone. I still like to go to downtown and wander the shops, but I’m the guy relaxed guy with the bemused smile watching others fight over the last Tickle-Me-Elmo.
DH and I have done mostly “experiences” for years, although we’re guilty of stuffing stockings. 🙂 Sometimes the gifts work out great, sometimes not (like the Neat Receipts scanner I got him … never used; or the ipod he got me … never used). The experiences are ALWAYS a winner. Like tickets to a fancy dinner dance with floor show, or a weekend getaway to wine country.
My parents say they don’t want Anything. But I know that Nothing would make my mom sad, so I am making them a photo book on Blurb using pictures I’ve taken on our excursions.
My sister & her girlfriend don’t ever want Stuff, but can always use supplies for their backyard habitat, so I’m sending them a bunch of those birdfeeder tree ornaments.
DH & I have only four kids in our orbit – one nephew, and the children of two close friend couples. DH likes to pick up little things on our trips, and then throw in an inexpensive garment since kids are always growing out of their clothes!
I love the idea of giving “lessons” to kids. Wish the nephew was interested in something besides video games. Maybe we can get the other three into dancing or martial arts or Something!
Nope, definitely not too early to be thinking about this stuff!
One thing I’ve regretted not giving is pictures to my relatives. I’m planning to fix that this year.
I’ve essentially stopped giving gifts altogether. I’ll probably give two this year. One to my wife, and one to my parents. I don’t have any kids yet, though, so that may change again in the future.
In my family we talk about Christmas gifts at this time of year (in fact, we did it on Sunday). We decide the dollar limit on gifts for the adults (generally $50-100 each depending on the economy)and for extended family we usually do Secret Santa or we say no gifts. We do send cards.
But it works well; none of my generation really needs much, the grandparents definitely don’t need stuff in their downsized-homes. The kids have no limit, but everyone generally buys them one item each that’s anywhere from $10-75.
My entire gift budget for Christmas is about $350 or so.
I have been reading for awhile but haven’t posted. This is something I am struggling with this year and appreciate your posting about it now. We are trying to tackle our debt this year and aren’t sure how to handle this with family. Our kids are young so they won’t care and my husband and I are on the same page. It is our parents and siblings and a couple of closer friends we are most concerned about. Anyone have suggestions for helping ease the transition now b/c it is kinda late in the year (when I know some buy throughout the year)? I like the ideas of experiences! and homemade gifts – some of which we have done and will continue to do but then we buy gifts on top of that. Thanks! Love this blog and all of the good info and ideas put forth here.
My entire immediate family is pretty comfortable. We’re not rich, but we’ve been smart with our money, and don’t “need” for anything. This makes getting gifts for them very difficult, since all of us can afford to buy just about anything we feel we need or want.
I have recently been toying with the idea of giving money to charity in the names of family members, and giving them the receipt, letters-of-thanks, etc. as a gift showing they contributed $200 to Meals-On-Wheels (or whatever their favorite charity or cause is). They also get to take the tax deduction, since it is in their name.
Best stocking stuffers for 2009?
Silver dollars. When inflation returns in double digits, recipients will be amazed at your thoughtfulness – and they never spoil.
Or Biscoff cookies, individually wrapped, which also don’t spoil quickly.
Both are treasures that can be enjoyed at any age!!!
🙂
Our family is tossing the gift-giving thing out the window this year and saving the money for a trip to Disney World in the summer of ’10. I’ve always hated giving and receiving gifts, so I thought this was a fabulous idea!
Kevin @45. Please don’t let people who enjoy giving you gifts know how much you hate receiving them. They may look forward to this time of year to show you how they feel. And, as someone else mentioned, it may be too late to suggest they don’t give you their traditional gift. My sister did this once a month before Christmas and I had been making her something special all year. I was tempted to throw it in the trash.
Love the Christmas Wish List site – I sent it to my family.
My parents are huge gift-givers – it’s not xmas without heaps of things under the tree. My husband also. Cutting back is not a viable option for me. But I make donations for people who are out of town, or put together small unique food baskets or something. I hope the wish list site will help my parents get us stuff we can use as opposed to just stuff. 😉
My families (wife’s and my own) have cut back our gift purchasing quite a bit from just a few years ago. I struggle to even put together a ‘list’ since I usually buy myself anything I really want. Even still, we probably buy a dozen gifts for nieces/nephews, parents, and grandparents. We’ve been making calendars with photos of our kids for our grandparents the past couple years, with great appreciation. I’m going to try to channel my creative side and make more gifts this season.
I work for a company that repairs and re-circulates thousands of video games, books, DVDs, and CDs a week. I know it seems cheesy to buy used, but it IS a great way of saving money and it helps keep the recycle system alive. I know that our company has personally saved over 55 tons of used CDs and DVDs from the landfill by allowing people to trade them in for cash. Your helping the environment, cleaning out your closet, and getting cash all at the same time. It doesn’t get much better than that!
Hey Robert,
The best gifts not only give repeat value, but are SIMPLE and EASY to use.
Why are Legos a timeless gift? The type of toy that people of all ages play with endlessly, then pass down to others who keep on using them? Because not only do Legos give repeat value through endless building combinations and opportunities, but they’re EASY to start playing with.
You don’t need a manual to figure it out. You dump out the blocks and start stacking. Simple and easy. Sure, you can use instructions to build the pre-planned structures, and there are pieces that are more complex, but the point is that it’s easy to just start.
And when something’s easy to pick up and use, it will be used OFTEN. Maximum repeated value.
Great reminder to avoid one-time crap and focus on maximizing gifts (and stuff in general). Minimum things with maximum value.
Best,
Oleg
Our son gave used movies and dvds for a couple of years when he had next to no money. Nobody was upset. They were just pleased to be thought of. I steer him toward inexpensive things for me-last year a used hardback copy of Asimov’s Foundation trilogy. His only income comes from workstudy at college and really does not go very far.One of my favorite birthday presents from my husband was a never emptying box of chocolate cherries. That lasted over a month of his sneaking in new boxes as I was finishing the old one.
J.D., that picture is hilarious!
Gift giving is really a pain, actually. My older brother lives in a group home (so needs nothing), my younger brother is in Afghanistan (so needs nothing), my sister works hard and makes money and spends it on herself as needed (so needs nothing), my dad is about to retire but doesn’t have hobbies (so needs nothing) and my mom is super picky and doesn’t want Stuff.
I try to give meaningful things, but it sure is hard. I make a calendar out of my photos every year, and that’s the full extent of my ideas so far. We have some nice activity-based traditions (my siblings and I cook an elaborate Christmas Eve meal) but we don’t live near each other, so it’s hard to do the experience-based gifts. Stupid holidays.
Christmas has only turned into a ploy for retailers to make more money. It’s a consumer holiday. I think maybe the best Christmas would be for everyone to ride out to a tree farm and chop down a tree. All come home and decorate it together while listening to classic Christmas songs with the fire going, all while the best cooks are making delectable dishes and treats in the kitchen. Everyone can secretly pick a name from a hat for gift giving, and they have to get a simple gift that shares a bond between the giver and receiver.
A simple, inexpensive Christmas that revolves around the joys of family and friends.. perfect.
I’m also huge on giving “experiences” over material things.
For this year and all the years after, I have decided that the only thing that I will be putting on my wishlist is that people make a loan through a site like Kiva.org. It will be the gift that keeps on giving. Since people will most likely get their loans back, they will probably re-loan that and will be able to help another person.
Everyone wins! They will get the joy in giving to someone who is really in need, and I get the satisfaction in facilitating that experience. And hopefully they join my Kiva team as well. 🙂
I can’t wait for this Christmas! Especially since, I have been correcting my financial wrongs and have been budgeting for Christmas expenses this entire year. So I won’t have to resort to credit cards as I’ve done in the past. To say the least, communities like this one have played a major role in my financial turnaround. So thanks J.D. and everyone on here!
One thing I didn’t see mentioned are gift certificates for services at local shops. Body massages, lawn mowing, local bakery, etc. It keeps your money in the local economy, they’re enjoyed, and they don’t take up space and create regret in the back of a closet. Plus, they’re eco-friendly.
I think Christmas should be about giving, but only if you want to. If you’re a scrooge I don’t care. Feel free to not get me a present, OK? Just keep your scrooginess to yourself so I can enjoy giving gifts to everyone else!
People who ask for specific things are really annoying. If you need/want it that badly, you should buy it for yourself. I’m not your Mom and I’m not going to buy you underwear!
The ideal gift IMO is something the person would like but probably wouldn’t locate/buy for themselves.
I like to give gourmet foods, tickets to events like plays or concerts, cool ethnic jewelry/clothes/art that may be inexpensive but are likely hard to find everywhere.
Don’t try to buy someone something if it’s a kind of thing you don’t usually buy/don’t know anything about. For example, don’t try to surprise a techie with a gadget (it will be the wrong one), don’t try to buy something a fashionista would like if you aren’t one (she’ll hate it), and don’t try to buy literature as a present unless you actually read books and have similar tastes (please, no more copies of the “DaVinci Code”!).
And please don’t make home made gifts for people unless you are a professional artist/musician/etc. Food is the exception here.
Finally, giving home-made decorated underwear as a gift? triple ugh ugh ugh!!!!!! I can’t imagine anyone would actually want/like/wear that. I’d throw it away the second I could, and I’d avoid you in the future. Major creepy fail!
Chopping down trees is another Christmas tradition we need to lose! It’s bad for the earth just like all the excess crapola under it puts a burden of waste on the earth.
I encourage everybody to celebrate with live decorations — something that can live on for months or be replanted.
@42 Jo: I think we get caught up on the PRICE of the gift. There have been years where the value of the gifts we exchanged with friends was dramatically different, but that was because of our individual financial situations at the time. It wasn’t awkward and it didn’t matter. We were friends and it was the thought put into the gifts that counted.
I think we have become TOO focused on the monetary value of the gifts we give rather than the meaning behind them. I haven’t spent more than $20 on my dad in years. My dad needs nothing and it has become our joke as to what kind of crazy-off-the-wall tool I can find to give him. Last year I spent $3.95 and it was his favorite so far. My cousin and I used to have a game as to who could find the most off the wall socks to give my grandfather. Again, only a few dollars and he loved how much we would try to out do each other. And he wore them all the time to show off to his buddies his crazy granddaughters. Now that he has passed, I miss the adventure of finding the socks.
It is the gifts we give with the thought behind them that are the best. If we give something we think someone is going to love and they don’t, then they are the one who missed out. Not us.
A few things–first, with retailers the way they are these days, I doubt it is EVER too early to start writing about Christmas.
Second, I usually just go the route of gift cards, unless its for a “new” gift in my life. My family members are just fine with it–that way THEY can buy what they want–and take advantage of after Christmas sales in january. Also, its a month where nobody has any money anyways. I think it works out great all around.
When I was a kid we had next-door neighbors with two sons. Each Christmas their sons received three gifts, because Jesus Christ received three gifts from the Wise Men. If He didn’t need any more, then their sons didn’t need any more. I thought that their logic made a lot of sense, and we are going to try it with our two children this year. I’m hoping it will help us stay focused on the true meaning of Christmas and keep our gift-giving from getting out of control.
Also, I come from a family with five children and three of us are married. We’ve picked names in the past, but this year we are trying something new. We are all giving gifts to each other (including my parents), but the gifts must be gifts of service or self-improvement. Now, we don’t do the service or self-improvement for the individual but in honor of the individual.
For example, my grandmother lives close to me and my husband, but very far away from all of her children. So, as our gift to my mom, my husband and I make Sunday dinner each week, bring it over to her house and eat and visit with her. My mom doesn’t know about the gift yet, but on Christmas morning, she will have a letter under the tree explaining it and then a little note about what we love about her.
Luckily, everyone in the family was on board with this idea. I’m interested to see how it will turn out. I’ve got to say, I’ve really loved coming up with ideas and doing things in honor of those I love. I’m hoping it will end up being really special for all of us.
My middle daughter was able to get the best presents for her grandfather in his last years. She picked out the loudest tackiest shirts she could find. He loved them!
She actually has excellent taste. She just looked for shirts that would amuse him.
After reading some of the posts, since I posted (#5) I’ll let you know that 10 years ago I bought holiday gifts for my Mom, Dad, Brother, his Wife, their kids, my Best Friends (4 of them), Gram and Grandpa, Aunt/Uncle, and particpated in a holiday gift exchange with my sorority sisters etc., etc., etc.
Getting down to just a few gifts and/or gifts just for kids was a slow process. It started with my brother and his wife, then with my parents, etc. We got to the point that the adults realized that gift giving at Christmas was becoming an obligation of exchanging stuff adn that was not what the holidays were about. My husband and I used to give each other lots of holiday gifts too, but them we came to the conclusion that (1) we hate debt and (2) we’d rather put that money into travel/vacation. I even got my sorotity sister to give up the $100 limit gift exchange in favor of a $20 limit yankee swap that we have way more fun with.
I still love to give gifts, but now I limit myself to the perfect gift, meaning if I see something that I know would be PERFECT for a family member or friend I’ll buy it and give it, most of the time I just give at the time of purchase but sometimes I’ll save it for birthday or holiday time.
And most important to us, we set a budget, we enjoy our holidays and we don’t go into debt or use credit to fund Christmas.
I just love yardsales where the seller still has unopened toys with pieces of Christmas wrapping paper still attached.
Or items that still have wedding cards tucked inside the box.
Just thinking about Christmas stresses me out! This is the time of year I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off. This year I am trying to be more prepared. The girls and I already made fig and peach jams to give; and we make salted chocolate pecan toffee to give to all the various teachers, but that and other fresh gifts have to be made at the delivery time. It can be fun, but it’s also a lot of work and prep.
My mother is totally into gift giving — I mean way over the top. Last year I was sick just looking at all the gift wrap waste after hours of opening. I really do not care about receiving gifts very much. I would rather spend time with people or even better have some of my family help out (don’t hold my breath) or do a little something with the girls as a gift — but that is not their way. I mean take up with my mom and sister (who I think would appreciate less gift stress) that maybe we could approach this year a little differently.
Last year I had the girls each choose an affordable gift donation from the Heifer catalog — they each chose chicks and we received a printed card explaining the donation and then I had the girls make little chick ornaments from felt to go along with the donation card; I think my mother was surprised but she didn’t say anything negative.
Our biggest Christmas mistake is Santa; as a daughter of my mother I unwittingly approached Santa the same way she did — My advice to those who do not have children yet, but may, is to think very carefully how you want to approach this because you are going to have to follow through for years to come or ‘fess up (of course, you could be straight about Santa from the beginning — which my husband would never allow, I think he is still hoping Santa is real.) We have been reading the “Little House on the Prairie” series and Santa sure has upgraded since giving a stick of candy and some mittens, let me tell you.
For Jo #42 — you just got to be straight with your family about budget constraints — don’t need to go into details and do not feel bad — one year we were struggling so much (I shudder to look back) that I had absolutely no money for gifts — Two days before Christmas I used leftover material I had to sew little makeup bags for my mom and sister, and a glasses case for my mother’s significant other. I remember feeling ashamed at the time, but I really shouldn’t have because I did the best I could.
My parents always did all there Christmas shopping by November. Of course, that means we had to make lists early on. But that also meant we didn’t order “cool stuff” from catalogs or commercials that we never actually used (like the Spiderman figure mentionned in the article).
I always try to make gifts myself, be it for Christmas or birthdays. If I can’t, I try to give something that has significance. For instance, I found a children’s book that was one of my husband’s favourite as a kid and gave it to him. He was thrilled!
In both cases (do-it-yourself and presents with a meaning), the gifts are more personal. Which means they typically have more value for a similar price (although gifts with a meaning can be the most expensive too if they’re collector’s items).
Of course, it means you have to know the person. You can’t just get them a gift certificate or money and let them chose themselves. But I find it is really rewarding for both parties.
I don’t like being suprised and then have to pretend that I like the gift. I buy a gift for me, wrap it and say it is from my wife. Also, some gifts come early. My dad’s computer broke so I bought him a new one and said that it was a gift from all four of his kids for christmas, even though two are out of work and not expected to chip in on it.
As far as the decorated underwear hope it was a gig gift. I gave a great gag gift.Perhaps JD should give tp to his fellow financial bloggers this year. I gave my sister the dvd “Bound” wrapped in a pair of tighty whities (new) because she and her girlfriend were always assumed to be a couple since they hung out so much with each other.
Usually I sell things on ebay and buy other things to keep the cash flow down to a minimum. Sold a seiko moon phase watch and only had to fork out 14 bucks more for a citizen eco drive, hopefully the last watch I will buy because of the solar recharging battery.
Reading some of these comments puts me in mind of Sister Bertha-better-than-you. Where is Ray Stevens when you need him?
busymom – a long time ago, I had a boss with 3 kids who told me “I don’t want my kids to believe in Santa because if I’m not able to get them gifts some year, I don’t want them to think it’s because they were bad.” That has really stuck with me.
So we don’t do the Santa thing, and my son’s cousins don’t do the Santa thing because their mom feels it’s not Christ-centered enough. We carefully explained the reasoning to Grandma from our two different perspectives and…
She bought the kids books about Santa, labeled presents as from Santa, showed the kids Santa tracking on the Weather Channel. In other words, she completely ignored our wishes.
We don’t want to have the kid who spoils Santa for everybody else so we haven’t flat out told him the truth. I think it’s really unfair that she feels she can indoctrinate him and we can’t really fight back while respecting other people’s parenting, but there you are.
Rosa – I think some people just love creating magic — my husband is totally into the Santa thing (even though I do all the shopping – go figure) because he loves the magic of it– to be fair to him though, our seven year old is asking for S’mores (the plush horse kids can sit on); normally I would completely redirect her choice to a more affordable direction, but my husband searched on Craigslist and found one that was at a much better price — and I would have vetoed that, but it is really important to him to create that magical feeling which is only during a short period of a kids life. That may be what is driving Grandma — her desire to create a little magic. It’s a bummer it’s against your wishes, though — such is the complexity of family life!
I don’t think you ever have to tell your kid the truth about Santa; they’ll figure it out for themselves. For the last several years my eleven year old has been all over me about whether Santa is real. She has friends who are Jewish and they told her that Santa isn’t real; I asked her what she thought. She has to decide for herself based what she thinks and sees. She still wants to believe in Santa, though, even as she suspects that it’s mom and dad. My husband acts with the kids as if Santa is totally real ( I usually crack a little when she questions me) — they’ll just think he’s wacky when they get older.
My husband and I have announced to our siblings/parents that only children will be getting presents this year–and our teenage daughters don’t count. (the girls happen to agree, as they know they will be getting stuff from us)
That said, we will send our families, at the last minute, gift certificates so they can all eat out together.
I tend to go overboard on small presents. We celebrate St. Nick’s day at the beginning of the month and we also celebrate Santa Claus (I wasn’t allowed to celebrate growing up…it’s something I wanted once I grew up. It’s not the stuff as much as the idea so be careful what you’re taking away from your child when you announce NO SANTA. Most kids get the concept.)
One year I made sure there was a small present every day before Christmas (sometimes just something we needed, like hair accessories, but it was the idea of having a present)
What I want, I buy. I’m really hard to get a present for. Your company, a good meal with friends, that is what I want from others.
Last year my siblings and I decided not to do adult gifts any longer and to only purchase children’s gifts for our godchildren. That meant that instead of two couples and 7 children, I now only do 2 gifts. When I first brought up the idea to my family, I was worried that they would be disappointed. Instead everyone heaved a huge sigh of relief.
My husband and I don’t have children. For ourselves, we spend more on decorations and food because we can enjoy that for several weeks leading up to the holiday. And we host a holiday party with a white elephant gift exchange for friends that is a big hit every year. We probably spend about $300 on the party. We do stockings and spend about $100 on each of those. We try to make those really fun to open. The only gift under the tree is something home-made. It’s more effort to make but so much more of a treasure to open up.
Advice for Jo #42:
1. Forward the link to this post! lol
2. After explaining your perspective, if you don’t think you’ll hurt people’s feelings, ask if they have receipts and offer to return the gifts that they have purchased for you.
3. If they still want to exchange, make banana-nut bread, cookies, pies, fudge, candy, something diff. for each and present it in an inexpensive tin or basket. These are the gifts I wish for each year and NEVER receive!
4. Another idea, suggest a gift-per-person polyanna where all are involved including grandparents, aunts, uncles, grandchildren. Have each person list three things they would like under $30 (or whatever amount); they can be as specific or as general as they like w/the list. Buy one of those things on your polyanna’s list.
5. Lastly, you might be surprised by how many of your family members jump at the chance to do a kids-only gift exchange (try to remind gift givers to limit the gift expense to $15 or something reasonable. That forces the giver to get creative and /or personal).
Materialism isn’t what we’re meant to celebrate at Christmas. There’s so much to be thankful for that doesn’t come w/a price tag.
Holly (72), we’re doing a form of your suggestions 4 & 5 in my extended family. We’re all buying gifts for the kids in the family, but we’re going with a one to one gift exchange for each of the adults. You’ll get one gift, you’ll give one gift. That saves hundreds of dollars, especially with the family growing with the newly marrieds. Buying a gift for everyone is prohibitive.
Christmas is as joyous as ever, but we’re spending less. (That helps with the joy as well–Christmas shouldn’t be all about gifts and money)
Tsh over at Simple Mom (www.simplemom.net) had a great idea for Christmas gifts the other day: Wear, Read, Want, Need. Four gifts for each person (or less if you’d like) one in each category. I think it is a fantastic idea, especially with kids.
Kevin (# 73)…Sounds like a great plan; My husband’s family is so large that we skip the adult gifts (except grandparents) and all of the kids (there are 23 grandkids on just his side) do a give-one, get-one polyanna w/their cousins. Works out very well.
I liked the idea someone mentioned (sorry, I forget who; if it was the writer, Robert, I apologize): 3 gifts for each of my children since 3 is the # of gifts brought to the baby Jesus; now I have to decide if I would rather do the wear, read, want, need (zarg, #74) idea…great idea! I know my girls will want wear, wear, wear, and wear! lol
This year my fiance and I are trying to cut back as well on what we spend come Christmas- we know that it is about a gift for someone to use, and have decided to do a homemade food basket for most everyone on our list of 20 (immediate family, friends, and coworker/clients ). There are a certain few that are ‘closer’ to us than others that we are planning on getting something else for, but for the most part, giving something you know they will appreciate and use is the most important part for us, esp. if someone we know is going through a tough time or is pressed financially, we can try to help them with food-based gifts like the such, which is always a welcome thing to see, instead of something that might just be a ‘gadget’ for ‘to give them a gift’, instead of really ‘GIVING someone a gift you know they will appreciate/treasure/enjoy,etc.’
I mean, my fiance and I do not have a lot of money by far, but we do what we can to those who we feel we should.
Good to read that others do and feel the same or similarly.
Are you taking bids on those statues? Because I so want to buy them for my shopaholic sister! And we’re Dutch!
In all the gift articles I’ve ever read and posted on my blog, I’ve never once read Robert’s tip that the item be able to be used in multiple spaces eg Lego. So obvious, but true. Women tend to prefer gifts that say something about their relationship, but men like items that “do” something – even if it’s to please their wife. A survey I’ve just done found 78% of people will spend over $75 on each gift for each child this year so if it’s not a keeper, eeek, it could go on that yard sale table!
Jewelry should grow not only in monetary terms, but aesthetic appeal too. Buying faux jewelry is just a waste of money. You should consider buying 925 silver if gold is too expensive. Fusion jewellery not only looks good, but its value grows over time.