Underachievement and the all-or-nothing mindset
There have been a slew of great articles lately on why resolutions fail, and I agree wholeheartedly with them. I’ve never had much success with resolutions myself — they always fall by the wayside after a few months, and by summer I don’t even remember that I’d set resolutions in the first place.
Nevertheless, I set a lot of goals in 2010 that I reached. For example, last year I accomplished the following goals:
- Learned how to hang out in the pose pictured at right, which gave me a lot of confidence on and off the yoga mat
- Completed yoga teacher training
- Quit my job to freelance full-time
- Started learning to play piano (again, but with some dedication this time)
- Traveled to New York City at Christmastime
- Began to explore cooking French cuisine, starting with crème brulée
- Saved up a decent sum of money to start building our house
These weren’t New Year’s resolutions. They were goals I’d had for anywhere from six months (headstand) to 10 years (piano). I decided to achieve them and made small changes that would get me closer to reaching them, such as adding a 15-minute appointment to my calendar to practice piano. Sometimes I slacked off and ignored my small-step to-dos, but most of the time I stuck with it.
The difference was that in the past, slacking off a bit usually meant I’d drop the whole thing. If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all. That was my attitude, and it stopped me from getting back on the proverbial horse too many times to count.
All-or-Nothing
If you have perfectionist tendencies, you probably identify with what I’ve described. The all-or-nothing mindset is one of five characteristics of perfectionists that contribute to underachievement, according to research published Gifted Child Today. (The other four are procrastination, fear of failure, paralyzed perfectionism, and workaholism.)
Sometimes perfectionism is cast in a positive light. After all, being the valedictorian, the Olympic gold medalist, or even the parent who bakes the best chocolate chip cookies feels pretty good. It impresses others, earns us pats on the back, and besides, does anyone even remember the name of the second runner up?
But I think perfectionism is harmful, and it sucks the fun out of life. The all-or-nothing mentality paralyzes you. I quit playing piano a few times because I slacked off on practice and didn’t want to go to my lesson unless I had made enough progress. But if I had started playing 10 years ago and kept going to my lessons every week, even when I didn’t think I’d practiced enough, imagine how much farther along I’d be right now. My teacher isn’t expecting perfection from me, and I’m not looking to become a concert pianist, so the only thing my all-or-nothing mentality has done is hold me back from something I enjoy.
The Shades of Gray
Seeing goals as all-or-nothing is like seeing the world in black and white. But most would agree that’s a limiting view. Is the silver medalist a failure because she didn’t win gold? Hardly! She’s still one of the top athletes in the world, and it’s a tremendous accomplishment. Even if she never wins gold, it was still worth the effort.
Another trait of the all-or-nothing mindset is a fixation on the goal. I will be X when I have accomplished Y. That’s one reason why perfectionism sucks the fun out of life. What about the moments in between X and Y? Instead of focusing on playing Moonlight Sonata without making a single mistake, why not enjoy the rainy afternoons when I play for longer than I had intended, simply because it’s fun? Or the times I’m struggling with a measure of music and have a breakthrough during my lesson?
Perfectionism and Personal Finance
It’s the time of year when most people think about goals of some sort (even if they resolve to reject resolutions). If one of your goals is to take control of your finances in 2011, watch out for the all-or-nothing attitude. It was part of the reason it took me so long to get a clear picture of how much I owed on my credit cards. Doing the math meant coming to terms with the fact that when it came to my finances, I was far from perfect. It was easier to pay extra on my cards and not look at the whole picture, like an ostrich with its head in the sand. (I just found out that an ostrich doesn’t bury its head in the sand when in danger, it flops to the ground and remains still — which is still an accurate description of how I was handling my finances.)
When I finally got a plan to become debt-free, so many times I wished the slate could be wiped clean — that I could just start over with my new, responsible habits. But of course that’s not how it works. I had to do it one payment at a time. Even then, I was so fixated on paying off every debt that I never congratulated myself along the way on how far I’d come. I couldn’t be satisfied during the moments in between, knowing that I’d made big changes and I was on the right track. I wasn’t going to be good until I was debt-free.
This year, I’m setting goals, but I’m going to loosen my grip even more on the all-or-nothing way of thinking. (I’ve also decided to stop calling myself a perfectionist. Instead, I’m a person working to overcome perfectionist tendencies. Perfectionism doesn’t define me.) No matter what goals you set, either as New Year’s resolutions or just because you’re ready for a change, don’t let the all-or-nothing mentality stop you in your tracks. And if you’re like me and struggle with that mindset, try to remember to enjoy the here and now. Being hard on yourself robs you of living in the present.
Finally, I’d like to end with a quote by Anaïs Nin that I read often because it’s particularly relevant for people who struggle with perfectionism: “You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right, too.”
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There are 67 comments to "Underachievement and the all-or-nothing mindset".
Much like yourself, I have had a goal to learn the piano for years, but have not yet done so. My wife and I are still bouncing from location to location, so I am waiting until we are settled. But, once we are, I fully intend to get those piano lessons!
As for our debts, we are both perfectionists, but we are beginning to understand that life happens and we may not always meet our goals 100% of the time. Sometimes the car will have an issue and we’ll fall $300 short of our aggressive debt payment. We’ll just have to learn to say, “Oh well”, and hit it hard again the next month!
Good information April. On enacting change, (especially changing from negative behaviors) I recently read that it takes a crisis of sorts to initiate change in most people’s lives. We have to see or vividly sense that our actions will lead to extreme negative consequences before most people are willing to truly change. I’ve watched family members vow to quit smoking year after year, stop for a few months, then pick it up again when the urge becomes too great. The ones that have actually quit did so when we lost three people in a two year time span in our family to cancer. When I finally got out of debt it was because our income was drastically reduced and I thought we were going to lose our house and felt everything around me was collapsing.
In addition to not being a perfectionist, I would add seeing or fully realizing the consequences of your negative behaviors. And, if need be, mentally create a little anxiety to help you *feel* the need to change course if life hasn’t created the circumstances for you already.
You’re right. Perfectionism sucks. I should stop claiming that perfectionism is part of what makes me good at my job, for example, and name it for what it is – a very special form of hell. Good luck with your goals for 2011.
Great post April, I know what it’s like to struggle with perfectionism (and end up alienating people in the process)… I suppose it is like the great philosopher has said, the journey is not the destination…Life is pretty much like that. It is not a destination but a series of learning experiences.
Thanks for this post.
This article was written directly at me! I have been prone to giving up at the first hint of failure before. I am slowly learning though, as I have given myself some wiggle room in my goals to allow for a little lapse here and there.
In the last couple years, I am have just started to have some gray in my life, whereas before, everything was very black or white. I see this tendency in 2/3rds of my kids too, and I worry for them. Perfectionism has it’s positives I guess in that it can lead to success, but it is a hard thing to live with too.
Great post, and congrats on a great 2010.
Goals are all about taking baby steps.
If you just keep doing a little at a time to achieve the big goal, it’ll be easier than if you go all in.
When going after goals, I figure a little is better than nothing, and I try to keep chugging like a choo-choo train. Sometimes you just can’t make it up that hill, but when you look back you’ve gone a lot further than if you never started.
Wow. The universe truly delivers. I have only *just* clued in that I am That Person – the one that must do it absolutely right and right now bingo done, over with…only life isn’t that way.
When I saw this post in my feed reader this a.m., I nearly jumped for joy, recognizing myself in your words. I was that valedictorian. I am that competitive woman that must be perfect and put on the face of polish and achievement to the world.
Thanks for your insight!
May all us perfectionists learn to take it one day at a time and one payment at a time.
Love this post! I’ve been battling the same problem for a while now. This year I’ve made a change – I’m tackling things little by little. Each day I have a minimum of two tasks and a max of five (written down). Most of them are small, but I’m already seeing a huge difference in how I get things done.
The past few months I’ve seen my spending get out of control and despite efforts to get back on track I fell behind due to some unforseen circumstances. After each of those times I gave up because it wasn’t perfect. This month is shaping up to not be perfect either, but knowing that going in is already helping. And even with that, I’m feeling hugely optimistic this year.
To those who are really identifying with this–one of my other favorite quotes is, “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” Now that was obviously written by a perfectionist! 🙂
Hey, get out of my head! This post resonated with me because I know I’m far too hard on myself and I don’t let myself enjoy the glow of achieving a goal, let alone the steps it took to get there. Thank you for the reminder to stop being so hard on myself!
So true, April.
January 1 is not a magic date to set goals or resolutions. Friends tell me they are going to start doing x, or quit doing y on the first. And, guess what? They keep their old habits and don’t pursue their goals.
I think it is much easier to create your goals any time during the year and break them down into smaller steps to keep you going toward the big goal.
Congrats on achieving all you did in 2010!
Another great article this week, April. You’re on fire!
I’ve been reading a lot about perfectionism too… we’re trying to head it off in our preschooler. (Our blog post on “preschool perfectionism” is only partly written though… someday I’ll get around to finishing it…) We’re doing a lot of talking about practicing and having practice goals and not giving up just because something doesn’t come easy. The difficult things are often the most rewarding.
While I know you mean good, I don’t agree with this article. You SHOULD be hard on yourself for not doing what you set out to do. IMHO, you come up with something you want to do, you set out a realistic and detailed game plan for how you go about doing it, and you follow that plan to a T. you don’t get milk and cookies for not following through, and on a subconscious level know you aren’t doing what you set out to do.
I’m 27 years old, and I am what you would describe not a perfectionist, god no, but I do push myself quite hard, but I would not have it any other way. At 27, I’ve started not one, but two businesses, already sold one, and make a comfortable income off the other, I play the piano and violin, I am in better shape than probably 98% of the countries population, well under 10% body fat, I’m a decent cook, I speak Italian and I can sign, I can go on and on. I look around and I see guys twice my age, that have not accomplished half of what I have, patting themselves on the back becuase they aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect either. I used to get down on myself when I don’t accomplish what I set out to do. I had to learn that I am going to make mistakes, when I don’t do something I look at why I didn’t get it done, fix the problem and move on, I don’t beat myself up over it, and I think that, not holding yourself to high standards, is the key. You should always hold yourself to high standards, anything else is selling yourself short.
PS- Your pretty cute lol
This is me too. I am an artist, and when I was in school I always felt like I needed to compete with everyone. If my painting/drawing/whatever wasn’t the “best” (which is impossible to judge with art anyway, since everyone’s opinion is different) I would not be happy at all. For a long time I let it stop me from doing any more art. When I quit competing I was able to enjoy it so much more.
I do see this in my kids too. If they aren’t perfect at something, they want to stop doing it. I have to keep telling them that if they want to succeed at something, they are going to fail at first and learn from that how to succeed….
I set my first list of goals this year. Rather than diving in head first and giving myself an unimaginable amount to accomplish, I have two categories with 3 goals in each. Each goal has a specific date associated with it as well.
What will really keep me focused though is that I have them in plain view on the top of my site. Seeing the link reminds me to stay focused on what I’m ultimately trying to accomplish 🙂
I’ve made two New Year’s resolutions this year (http://suziebee.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-new-years-resolutions.html) and really had to whittle it down to things I knew I’d be able to carry on even when I fell off the wagon. Of course I want to speak Italian perfectly, and it’s frustrating that I can’t, but I just have to practice every day and think where I could be in six months time if I do.
April – I haven’t made any resolutions, yet, but can really take this one to heart. Perfectionism & fear of failure is totally paralyzing and th main source of my procrastination. I am going back to work N-O-W!
I have been an avid reader of Get Rich Slowly for about 2 years, but have not been consistent for the past few months for reasons too numerous to mention here. Suffice it to say, they are primarily due to exactly what you address in this post.
Thank you for putting into words what I really needed to read today!
I’m more of an 80/20 gal myself.
I’m thankful that I learned during my career that it’s better to try and fail than not try at all. Sales and Inventing Stuff require a lot of failure and trial and error.
Some ideas are utterly idiotic, but then there are moments of brilliance too. If you operate in the ‘safe’ zone all the time, you will just continue to be ordinary. Sometimes it’s hard to know if an idea is idiotic or genius, but letting go of the fear of failure is more than 1/2 the battle.
I think writing and creativity are much the same. Great article.
Thanks for this encouraging article, April. I have to remind myself constantly — and will continue to do so in 2011 — that things don’t need to be perfect. It’s amazing how much more I accomplish when I remember this!
Thanks for this one. I need this sort of reminder right now as I deal with major frustration about where I stand vs where I want to be.I should copy and paste the paragraph that begins “When I finally got a plan to become debt-free, so many times I wished the slate could be wiped clean…” print it and put it where I can see it.
This post completely conflates perfectionism with something else entirely. It uses the word “perfectionism” about a dozen times, but none of the concepts described are actually perfectionism.
Take the silver medalist example — I guarantee she’s a perfectionist, just like the gold medalist, the bronze medalist, and everyone else who even made it to the olympics. The only way anyone can get to that high of a level in any endeavor is by being a perfectionist. They spend all day, every day trying to improve their performance. When they make mistakes, they analyze them, they dwell on them all night, and they go back out the next day and try to do better.
If there’s a single characteristic that should be associated with perfectionism, it’s obsessiveness. That’s what differentiates a recreational cyclist from a competitive one — the recreational guy rides to the top of a mountain and says “hey, I did pretty good, I made it all the way to the top!” where the competitive guy makes it to the top and thinks ‘well, that was ok, but I know I could do it faster next time.”
Meanwhile the guy you’re describing — the guy who goes 5% of the way, sees that he’s not way out in front of everyone, and turns around and goes home — he’s not a “perfectionist”, he’s a quitter. He’s the guy that gave up because it was too hard. That’s not “perfectionism”, it’s more like the opposite. The only reason we’re calling that “perfectionism” in this article is because it’s a positive-sounding word and so when we’re describing ourselves we feel better than saying “quitter”.
If you’re a habitual quitter, you could do with *more* obsessiveness, not less. A dose of perfectionism might actually do you some good.
From Wikipedia:
Hamachek describes two types of perfectionism. Normal perfectionists “derive a very real sense of pleasure from the labours of a painstaking effort” while neurotic perfectionists are “unable to feel satisfaction because in their own eyes they never seem to do things [well] enough to warrant that feeling of satisfaction”. Burns defines perfectionists as “people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment”.
In other words: perfectionists are the exact opposite of people who give up on things.
First time commenter long time reader…I must say, fantastic post and great timing April! I was just struggling with this concept. Half of me was thinking about not contributing to an IRA because I can’t make it work to get to $5,000 – the other half is telling me that it would be silly not to contribute everything I had even though it is not the “perfect” contribution. Dare I say, perfect timing!
I love this article, it really put in my head what I need to think about today.
It also seems that when perfectionism has a hold on me I get really critical of others, especially familly members who generally exhibit traits that reflect parts of myself I’d rather not admit to.
@Brandon, I like your comments, too. There are times I can push myself hard and work towards a goal (like getting straight A’s in grad school) and other places where perfection paralysis sets in. I guess it’s all about knowing ourselves and what we need to do to move toward our best selves.
April, nice post on your view on life and progression. I am also taking things one step at a time now and don’t pay much attention to how long it takes. I guess I’m taking the “slowly” part to heart. 🙂
@Tyler (#22)
You are wrong.
I’ve done a lot of reading on this subject, and I’ve lived it too. Perfectionists do give up on things — all the time. I have a long, ongoing discussion with another perfectionist friend about “fear of failure” vs. “fear of success”. We’ve decided they’re the same thing, and it all stems from perfectionism.
I haven’t read April’s article yet (I trust her writing so much that sometimes I don’t even look at her posts before letting them through!), but I’ve read your comment. And your comment flies in the face of all the research I’ve done on this subject.
More later. Right now I have to make my first-ever foray to traffic court. But rest assured, you are wrong.
Nice quote 🙂
Have you ever tried purposefully making a mistake to help overcome perfectionism? I know I hate making mistakes, but that’s one of the things that helped me to become more comfortable with it.
@22, 25 Tyler, JD
One of the gifted books I recently read actually separated perfectionism into what Tyler is talking about and what April is talking about. Perfectionism can be used as a force for good or a force for freezing and never starting or never finishing anything. Obsession is just a part of the umbrella of perfectionism. A perfectionist can achieve or never start.
If I’m wrong, then so is Wikipedia. Sure, that’s possible, but it leaves me skeptical. It seems just as likely that J.D. and April are wrong.
No offense J.D., but “rest assured, you are wrong” is probably the world’s least-convincing argument.
@28 Tyler K:
Wikipedia under the psychology of perfectionism (not the philosophy) says:
“Perfectionism, in psychology, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. In its pathological form, perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable. At such levels, this is considered an unhealthy belief, and psychologists typically refer to such individuals as maladaptive perfectionists.”
April is talking about the unhealthy version: maladaptive, pathological perfectionism.
So, no, I don’t think JD, April, or Wikipedia are wrong. They’re saying the same thing. April’s just focusing on the bad kind.
I agree with JD & April, Tyler, you are wrong. (Wikipedia has also been known to be wrong.) In your example of gymnastics, it’s not necessarily the gymnastics that would be in question as the “perfected activity”. It is more when a perfectionist tries something new (or related) that the traits are displayed.
I can really identify with this article and the all-or-nothing mentality. I’m a CPA, which requires a bit of perfectionism, but when I set out to do something new (even within my main specialty of taxation) I sometimes feel those 5 characteristics come over me – especially fear of failure and procrastination. It’s like I’ve “proven” myself as a tax guy, so I don’t wait to fail at some other aspect of life which may somehow affect how others perceive me as a tax guy.
Nicole, that’s orthogonal. The fact that it’s viewed as unhealthy has no bearing on whether it implies “obsesses too much” versus “gives up too soon”. Either could be viewed as unhealthy, and that particular excerpt from the article makes no argument for either interpretation.
If you look at the “definition” section of the article, it talks mostly about how perfectionism is associated with doing a lot of work, rather then less.
There is a section on “negative aspects” that lists procrastination as a problem with perfectionists, and yeah, that could apply to some of the stuff in the article, but there’s also a big section on “positive aspects” and a general connotation of “perfectionists will keep trying until they get it perfect”. To ignore all this (and not even mention it at all) seems at least as disingenuous as anything else.
This cuts a little to close to the bone for comfort here. I definitely find myself exemplifying the five traits listed. It is nice to see it laid out and related to PF. It’s nice to be reminded failure is ok.
One of the things I realized towards the end of last year is that it’s possible to take on too much at once. Breaking things down into smaller chunks and working in smaller bits made it much easier to accomplish some of the things I wanted to do last year.
This post talks about the other thing I realized: I’m not perfect, and I won’t be perfect. I’m starting to let go of the “all or nothing” attitude as well, and I must say…I really dig it! It’s also less stressful AND makes it more enjoyable to do more things when I’m not worried about everything being perfect.
-j
Recovering perfectionist is the term I’ve used for myself a few years now.
I don’t think I’ll ever be completely over it, but I try to tell my self “good enough” as I go about life.
I’ll concede that that perfectionism could manifest as a paralyzing fear of failure (as J.D., April, and Kevin suggest), but it could also manifest as an obsessive desire to continually do better (as suggested by myself, wikipedia, and Nicole’s first comment), which most commenters seem to disagree with.
There’s no indication as to which of the two is the more common manifestation — it may be that my initial reaction was largely right, and that perfectionism is more often than not manifested as obsessiveness rather than fear. It’s also not clear if maybe there are other causes for procrastination or a fear of failure besides simply labeling it as “perfectionism” that might be worth investigating.
Maybe this post specifically wanted to focus on the negative aspects of perfectionism, but by not even mentioning the more positive aspects, or at the very least, the notion that it often is associated with an obsessive desire to keep doing better, seems at least incomplete, and to me, came across as a sort of sugar-coating of a less positive-sounding personality trait than “perfectionism”.
Great article! I definitely relate, and one of my resolutions this year is to enjoy the moment more and not stress myself out (somehow I am good at making resolutions that I enjoy following through on, but push myself to stress on a daily basis with other goals… maybe because I’m more mindful with my resolutions).
It’s awesome to see an article on this, and one this fun to read! Thanks 🙂
“obsesses too much” is a process
“gives up too soon” is an outcome
They’re not substitutes for each other. You can have both. People who obsess too much can be paralyzed and give up too soon too. Or they can give up too soon for other reasons. And I also disagree that the wikipedia article’s definition section is only talking about doing a lot of work instead of less… some of them use that definition, others use different definitions. Article is right here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfectionism_%28psychology%29
I have been reading a lot of psychology research books on giftedness recently, and they ALL address perfectionism. Giving up and not starting (and, since they’re kids, refusing) are covered in detail. The majority of the time in these books is spent on the negative rather than the positive aspects of perfectionism. Why? Because the positive aspects don’t need any help.
That April is only addressing the negative aspects of perfectionism and not the positive aspects is not disingenuous. She’s writing a public finance article aimed at helping people achieve their goals, not a research article describing perfectionism as a subfield of psychology. She’s also under no obligation to use psychology jargon or lingo.
Adding to that, even the wikipedia article discusses a few of the many different ways of conceptualizing perfectionism, some from psychologists, some from self-help books. A handbook chapter on perfectionism would list even more arguments about exactly what the definition of perfectionism is, because there isn’t just one that everyone agrees on; there are several.
And I do want to say, as a side-note, in the subfield in which I am an expert, Wikipedia is not 100% accurate, does not get all the nuances, includes unrelated research etc. (The article on my sub-field used to be perfect, but other people have added to it since then. 😉 ) The length of the wikipedia article devoted to different aspect of the issues has no relation to their importance in the academic field. (Specifically, the longest portion of the article now is how my research area works out in Hollywood… I mean, seriously?) The researcher in the field who takes the most space has more free time on his or her hands to work on unpaid uncredited encyclopedia articles than those who take less space.
Man, what a waste of a lunch break. I shouldn’t let myself get into these kinds of arguments.
Man, after all that and you came around to my way of thinking anyway. Bah.
Yes, it is true that perfectionism can be a force for good too. It’s important to not let it be a force for bad.
Great post, but the perfectionist in me wants you to fix the spelling: “Achievement.”
I have pretty much obtained all the things I ever wanted to do. This year it’s more of learning a new language and to visit Panama
IU learned not to obsess over goals but just achieve close to it month by month
After shooting down a lot of goals to start the year with because of a feeling of inevitable failure, I think I found one:
Defeat perfectionism.
@37: I wondered how many comments before that was mentioned…
JD – I’m a big fan of GRS, but I don’t think it’s productive to say things like “you are wrong” regardless of who is actually right, even if you were an authority on the subject, which I can’t tell that you are. You should lay out your views and knowledge and explain your perspective and how it diverges from that person’s. Perhaps someone else will learn from what you know or even contribute information that alters and redefines your own understanding. Prefacing with such statements only turns people off to your point of view and sounds childish.
Besides, there are many facets to “perfectionism” and it can manifest differently in each person and each situation.
@LC (#42)
You are right. 🙂
Seriously, you are right. Tyler’s comment got my dander up is all, and I was in a hurry. So, I dashed that comment off without taking time to mitigate my self-righteousness. But I figured Tyler could take it, too, because he often adopts a similar attitude.
Tyler, for a great survey of the research into perfectionism, see Tal Ben-Shahar’s book The Pursuit of Perfect, from which I’ve pulled this quote:
This summarizes my own experience with perfectionism, and the experience of the other perfectionists I know. One of my good friends is an outstanding distance runner, one of the top ultramarathoners in the country. But for a long time, she’s avoided setting her sights too high. Why? Because if she misses her target, she’ll consider that a failure. This year, she’s vowed to set big goals, and to find a way to deal with failure. She’s trying to overcome her perfectionism.
Ben-Shahar calls this attitude Optimalism: “For the Optimalist, failure is an inevitable part of the journey, of getting from where she is to where she wants to be. She views the optimal journey not as a straight line but as something more like an irregular upward spiral — while the general direction is toward her objective, she knows that there will be numerous deviations along the way.”
Psychologist Asher Pacht echoes what April has written in this post: Perfectionists exhibit all-or-nothing thinking. There is only success or failure. There’s no in-between: “For Perfectionists, only the extremes of the continuum exist — they are unable to recognize that there is a middle ground.”
Perfectionism can manifest itself in many ways, not just all-or-nothing thinking. People become obsessed with the goal rather than the journey. They become defensive. They criticize others (or themselves) that fail to live up to their lofty expectations. They’re rigid in their beliefs and harsh in their judgments. Most of all, Perfectionists have low self-esteem.
Ben-Shahar: “Because the life of a Perfectionist is an endless rat race, his enjoyment of success is short lived. He is far more likely to dwell on his failures than on his successes, because when he succeeds in achieving a goal, he immediately starts worrying about the next goal and what will happen when he fails to achieve it.”
If you want to know more about this (including studies to back up these statements), pick up a copy of Ben-Shahar’s The Pursuit of Perfect.
Not everyone is a perfectionist, but I think all of us have a little it in us. One of my favorite examples of how perfectionism is actually a fear of failure is the Paradox of Choice, which we’ve discussed at GRS before. What is the Paradox of Choice? It’s a fear of failure. When people are given more options, they’re less able to make a choice, and they’re less confident about the choices they do make. Why? Because they’re afraid that the choice they make is not the best one. When there are fewer options, people are happier — there’s less of a chance they’ve made the “wrong” choice.
So, in short: I’m sorry to have snipped at Tyler, even though I do think he’s wrong. There’s copious documentation out there about perfectionism and the fear of failure. I’ve read a lot of it. More than that, I’ve lived it. I am so much happier now that I’ve surrendered and learned that sometimes I’ll just goof up. My post about the power of yes? All about overcoming perfectionism. My post about building confidence and destroying fear? All about overcoming perfectionism.
Finally, one last example: Later today, I’m giving an interview for Marketplace Money. This is a show I listen to on NPR all the time. It scares the living daylights out of me to do this because I want the interview to go perfectly. I’m afraid of failing. But I’ve learned to force myself to ignore these fears and do things anyhow. So, I’m going to do the interview — even though it may well and truly suck.
@JD
They have VERY good sound editors at Marketplace radio. So even if you’re a nervous wreck (which you won’t be), you totally won’t be able to tell once you’re on air. They’ll edit out the parts in which you’re not perfect.
Very exciting!
Great article.
I homeschool a bright child, and this is a subject we discuss a lot. She’s nine and used to quit things quite quickly if she didn’t immediately get the results she wanted.
But for the past year I’ve been praising her for persistence and effort, rather than clever results, and it’s worked wonders. She’s much more patient with herself now and much more realistic when assessing her own progress. I’m so proud of her.
Like many of the other readers of this blog, I’ve struggled with the all-or-nothing mindset myself, and it’s no fun.
At least I can help my daughter avoid that trap.
By the way, a great book on the subject is “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck.
What a great article…thanks for the important reminder of what is, well, important.
I just came across this quote which is now taped to my desk: The yoga is in the process of trying. That makes everything yoga and yoga on the mat practice for everything in life.
I love the top photo! Reminds me of a mediocre half moon pose I did on a glacier a couple years ago (not perfect, but I tried and now I can say I did yoga on a glacier!)
I’ll have to dig into some of these resources I see mentioned here and try to understand my own brain. I have no academic expertise, just my own experience. I usually set goals waaaay too high, then maybe achieve 50% to 75%, (which would be respectable under normal circumstances), but beat myself up for not getting to 100%. It’s intentional (but not always conscious) sabotage. Fun stuff.
Cognitive behavior therapy (or RBT, REBT…) – anything by Ellis, Beck, Burns – is the best tool I know of to help anyone who struggles with the downside of perfectionism.
So a little off topic, but still apropos – I haven’t trusted anything on Wikipedia once I found out that my 9 year old nephew was posting/updating information there.
I have been a perfectionist in certain parts of my life for a long time and I am starting to see how much it can hinder progress on a lot of things. Sometimes you just have to do something from start to finish and move on the the next thing instead of just being stuck trying to perfect one thing.
Thank you, this really speaks to me and my own actions. I very much have an all or nothing mindset and I also procrastinate. It’s simple, but you can’t make changes until you fully realize the facets of the problem. Very well written, thanks again.
To be clear, I was not angered nor offended by J.D.s assertion that I was wrong, I was merely unconvinced by it.
Apparently myself and an anonymous writer on wikipedia are the only two people who share my take on perfectionism, which seems to be the same thing J.D. is calling ‘optimalism’.
I think part of what prompted my initial strong reaction to the article wasn’t just the (in my not-widely-shared opinion) misuse of the term ‘perfectionism’, but also because it seemed to be saying “I fail because I’m a perfectionist” which came across to me similarly to saying: “You know how Einstein did poorly in school because he was such a genius that he was bored by all his classes? Yeah, I’m like that.”
Which prompts me to think “Really? are you sure that’s the reason you’re failing? Are you sure you’re not just looking at your failure through rose-colored glasses to show yourself in the most positive light that still allows for failure? What other possible reasons did you consider before you came to this conclusion?
If you, like me (and apparently few others), were viewing perfectionism largely as a virtue instead of a shortcoming, then you can see why someone would prefer to blame their failures on that, because at least it makes them look virtuous in one aspect. If you think of ‘perfectionism’ as entirely negative, which is how I’ll assume it’s used on GRS from now on, then this doesn’t really apply.
I’m not sure I really have anything further to say on the topic.
I agree, a lot of us think “success” means achieving everything perfectly, or reaching every goal. My goal this year as a fairly new real estate agent was a dollar mount. I didn’t quite hit my mark. But I’m still successful. Just being able to stay in this business 1) in the downturn of economy and 2) being new at it is a success to me! I worked hard and did well, just not quite as well as I’d like to have done, but hey, I’m still building my business. It takes time.
Happy 2011!
@54 TK:
Rejoice that the negative side to perfectionism is not a problem you have ever experienced!
Per April’s article:
“When I finally got a plan to become debt-free, so many times I wished the slate could be wiped clean – that I could just start over with my new, responsible habits.”
It seems to me that you did do that though – through your actions, the results just hadn’t caught up yet. That’s where I believe very strongly in having outcome goals sure, but really focusing on the process to get there on a daily / weekly / monthly / yearly basis. Nobody would say something like “I wish I could not be 100 pounds overweight and just weigh 120 and maintain that weight.”
Re. Tyler’s argument over the benefits of perfectionism, I’m with him as well, being a perfectionist in some ways is awesome.
http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2008/07/athletes-benefit-from-being.html
The Einstein info. is a myth though, he actually did very well in school.
For those who can relate to this perfectionism, I have to say that I have totally been (and still am, to some extent) there. What really helped me was making a “failure list.” Basically, if I wanted to do something but I realized that I wasn’t doing primarily because I wasn’t sure it would turn out perfect, I put it on my “failure list” and I’d have to do it. I figured that maybe, if I failed at stuff enough times, I might eventually become OK with it. I have to say, it was really hard. But it has honestly helped me. I started a second income project to fund my Roth IRA and it’s gone well – I was too scared to write anything forever because I didn’t know if I would make it. So sometimes, just getting out there and doing it really does do the trick.
I will also say this: one of the most freeing experiences I ever had was a few months ago, when I moved to a new city and a few students in my program organized a fun run. I wasn’t completely sure I could run the distance, but once I realized that I didn’t sign up because I was scared I’d poop out, I forced myself to put my name down. Guess what? I did poop out. I…made the group stop. (I’m blushing writing this now. I’m still embarrassed.) But here’s the powerful thing I learned: the group stopped. They were nice. They did not point and laugh. We had a nice conversation for the last mile back. I stopped the group. I publicly failed. I was publicly worse at something than other people. And, to my surprise, the sky didn’t fall.
Baby steps.
I have to say I’m with Ethan…I had to come to the understanding that I was avoiding things because I didn’t think I would do them ‘well enough’ rather than not being able to do them at all. Accepting failure as a possibility has been so freeing…April…I love your post and I thank you for sharing it. P.S. I can’t believe you can do that hand-stand thingy! That is so cool!
Once I lived life long enough 😉 I started to appreciate how unpredictable it was. Some of my success came from dumb luck (right place, right time). Some great things I achieved didn’t make much of a difference, again due to random circumstances. Being a perfectionist was agony.
Once I gained significant experience investing in the stock market (and in real estate) I came to appreciate how many random things there are in life. Trying to, perfectly, plan out how everything will go in life just started to seem too silly based upon life experiences.
So my suggestions for anyone who is not making the progress they desire:
1. Set goals – I set them with a range of objectives (I use a goal and then a stretch goal). Out of about 10 goals I set each year, about a third are carry-overs from the previous year. It is OK not to hit them all – in fact I don’t expect to hit them all – and I’m always surprised by which ones I achieve and which ones I don’t.
2. On a smaller scale, I have to-do lists each day that align with my yearly goals. I don’t expect to get them all done, but I know if I have a list I’ll get more done (towards my goals) than if I don’t have a list.
3. Set goals that are meaningful. Money and titles never motivated me (and that bothered me). When I set those kind of goals, they were always hollow and even when I achieved them, it never felt quite right. Instead, I liked to fix things (organizations, project, software, etc.) that were not working. I liked being healthy. I liked being knowledgeable in my field. I liked being financially independent.
I figured these kind of things out by regularly asking myself a few questions: 1) What do I really want to do right now (this moment), and 2) What do I enthusiastically spend time on each day. These helped set natural goals for me, things I was inclined towards. I had to learn to ignore all the other noise (seek money, promotions, possessions, rewards, recognition, etc.) and pay attention to my inner motivation.
I also didn’t have to do it perfectly (though it can still bother me a lot). Life became fun again when I focused in this way.
Wow the comments are probably more exciting than the post and I thought the post was great!
JD, your explanation in comment 45 was excellent and I’d love to hear more (either here or your personal blog) about how you’ve dealt with this trait since I exhibit it also. I’m going to put Ben-Shahar’s book on my to read list.
Great post! I definitely identify with perfectionist tendencies.
This year I have set a few simple daily goals as my resolutions. I’m practicing yoga for at least 15 minutes a day (it’s short, but manageable and often I end up going longer anyway), flossing my teeth, and not drinking soda. It’s been really helpful so far to take these resolutions one day at a time. It’s not about achieving absolute perfection in any of them (although that would be nice), it’s about doing things that contribute to my health and that I enjoy. I think it’s very manageable to just approach each day by itself, and soon I’ll find that a month has passed where I’ve done yoga every day!
I regularly fall into the “if I can’t do it perfectly I won’t do it at all” logical flaw, the all-or-nothing trap. My usual method is to let the frustration build for a while and then erupt with a list of new demands I set for myself…all of which I fail to live up to 100%, and so the cycle begins again. This is a great post, and I hope it helps me realign my expectations of myself. Thanks!
When I was about 10 my perfectionist tendencies were becoming clearer to my parents. My creative stepfather came up with a plan to pay me for what he called good failures. Good failures were ones in which I’d really wanted and tried hard for the goal, yet failed. I must say the $ took some of the sting away from the failures, but the fact that he supported my taking risks and then supported me when I failed, truly helped me move away from an all-or-nothing mindset.
I enjoyed your post and appreciated your honesty about your perfectionistic tendencies. I’ve been thinking about how to wean my kids away from these tendencies and thus began to think more about my stepfather’s plan with me. I just wrote a longer piece on what he did with me last month on my blog.
This is such a life long pursuit, like staying on top of one’s finances! I too find a yoga mindset is helpful with all these issues. Thanks for your post!
perfection or nothing
its so true—i wanted to clear serious debt in 3 years.
as ive never been out of debt for 25 years my 3 year plan to clear debt quickly was too perfectionist and i was getting depressed falling behind,and was going to give up.
ive looked at the bigger picture—im lowering my debt monthly–not increasing and in a 5 year term i will be debt free for first time in my life.