A new study out of the U.K. confirms what many of us have already learned: Money only makes you happy if you have more than those around you. According to the London Telegraph:
Despite the vast improvements in general standards of living in the past 40 years across Britain, ‘keeping up with the Joneses' is still our biggest aspiration, the findings suggest.
Researchers have found that owning a fast car, a large home and having a good job may only make you happy if those around you are less well off. The pursuit of wealth is leading more people to work longer hours as they seek to pay their mortgages and climb the social ladder. Dr Chris Boyce, of University of Warwick's psychology department, said Britons were victims of chronic dissatisfaction.
Americans are victims of this same chronic dissatisfaction. It's too easy to compare ourselves with those around us. (And television gives us a chance to make false comparisons: We see what “normal” people have in commercials and in various programs, and we subconsciously begin to want these things too.)
But even if you know that you oughtn't compare your life with others, it can be tough to exercise self-control. It's easy to get swept up by materialism, especially if all of your friends are into it. (If they all have iPhones, you want an iPhone. If they all wear expensive clothes, you want expensive clothes.)
If you want to wave good-bye to the proverbial Joneses — the ones you're always trying to keep up with — you have to quit paying attention to them. You have to make a conscious effort to not care about what they own and do. Instead, focus on your goals and your needs. What you want or need to own shouldn't be defined by what other people have; it should be based on what you want to do in life, and what brings you intrinsic happiness.
Ask yourself at what point you'll have Enough:
- If you have five more DVDs, will that be Enough?
- If you complete your collection of Patrick O'Brian novels, will that be Enough?
- If you buy three more sweaters, will that be Enough?
How much is Enough?
Only you can answer that question — and the answer may change with time. But until you spend some time contemplating Enough, you'll always be tempted to buy what your neighbor buys — to keep up with the Joneses.
The great thing about deciding you have Enough in your life right now is that this also helps you have Enough in the future. If you don't need to spend your money to buy things (because you don't want things), you can use your cash for saving and investing. That money will then be there to assure you have Enough when you're older, too.
Nearing Enough
Kris came to me yesterday afternoon. “Your birthday's tomorrow,” she said, “but I didn't get you anything.” (Today I am 41.)
“That's fine,” I said. “I don't need anything. Just be sweet.”
“I'm always sweet,” she said. Then she added, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I'm sure,” I said. “What more could I possibly want? I have everything I need. We're having friends over this weekend [for a bacon-themed party]. A birthday present would just be more Stuff, you know?”
Kris thought for a moment. “How about I go to work late so we can go out to breakfast together?” I really like going out to breakfast, but it's just not Kris's thing.
“Perfect,” I said. “That sounds like a great birthday present.”
I don't want to pretend I've licked all of my wants. I still want things. (I just ordered an iPad, for goodness sake!) But I've reached a point in my life where I really do have Enough, and I know it. The only thing I really need more of is time, and there's no way to buy that!
Author: J.D. Roth
In 2006, J.D. founded Get Rich Slowly to document his quest to get out of debt. Over time, he learned how to save and how to invest. Today, he's managed to reach early retirement! He wants to help you master your money — and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you reach your goals.
Happy Birthday, JD!!
I really like this point of this article. I agree 100%, I think we look at our friends and relatives and that competition comes out and we want to have more “stuff” than them.
At the end of the day, the vast majority have more than they need. If you go outside the USA this is very evident.
Very timely, thanks.
Happy Birthday!
It is the eyes of others and not our own eyes which ruin us. If the whole world were blind except myself I should not care for fine clothes or furniture.
-Ben Franklin
Too many people allow their net worth measure their self-worth. Contentment and “enoughness” are essential to making the most of life.
Happy birthday, JD!
Happy Birthday. :)
Have you ever read John Bogle’s book Enough?
Happy 41st! Comparing myself to others has put me further behind financially than I care to think about. I am currently in “keeping up” remission now (reading your post for 2 years has been a huge factor) but the reminder today was appreciated! It is too easy to slip back into old patterns. Thanks again for GRS and the huge impact it has had on my life.
First of all “Happy BDay!” My husband and I don’t exchange gifts anymore as we feel that that we really don’t have any needs/wants at our age (we’re in our 50’s), but every year we go on a nice trip to the Carribean and we count that as our “gift.” Occasionally, we might do a night out in NYC, a concert or some other special event where we can spend time together doing something we enjoy.
Totally agree!
I have learnt that the more you compare yourself with others materially, the more likely you are to be resentful at them if you fail to acquire what they have.
And yes! it is a self control decision.
Happy Birthday!
What a great article.
If money only makes you happy when you have more than those around you, it sounds like even more of a reason to buy less stuff and save the money!!
I live in a neighborhood where the housing costs are quite below what someone I make would typically live in. It’s nice having an average car and fitting in. It’s nice not having an HOA. It’s entertaining and amusing to see some of the character of my neighbors. Driving through my neighborhood is nothing like the sameness of some old cookie cutter suburb!
My little old home is more than Enough for me. Sure, I visit friends in fancy houses and they visit my house and call it “quaint”, but hey, my house is paid off and that sure leads to greater happiness and security in my opinion.
Happy Birthday, JD!!
I totally agree, and I wish it was easy to convince others.
My family doesn’t understand why I don’t want things for my birthday, and why my SO and I don’t really do gifts and such for birthdays and holidays (only if there is something we really know the other would like). They just think of it like, “But, but you just have to get somebody something for their birthday!”
Have a happy birthday.
Happy Birthday!
Last year, both my husband and I turned 40. Instead of giving each other gifts, we planned for several years leading up to our birthdays and saved up for a trip we have always wanted to take. Our 15th anniversary was last year too so we used the birthdays and anniversary as an excuse to go to Hawaii. I will remember that trip (and the fact that I finally learned to surf – something on my life list) way longer than I would remember any physical gift I received.
I refuse to be a sheep!
I think another variation of ‘keepin up with the Joneses’ is the unsolicited advice you get from friends and family in the area of personal finance. For Star Trek Next Generation fans (hopefully, I’m not the only one *smile*), I feel like the Borg is constantly chasing me with the ultimate goal being forced assimilation. Friend, family, and professional colleagues constantly try to compel conformity through their commentary. Hubby and I have transitioned to a pay-as-you-go phone just for emergencies and to coordinate pick-ups – we had to train everyone that the phone is not intended for a deluge of text messages and voicemails. I’m in graduate school, so for now I feel more comfortable renting – we get so many questions about buying a house, the tax credit, etc. As if we did not know houses exist. Lastly, my husband admitted that he’s not sure he wants to have children, yet throughout our marriage he had been pressuring me for them. Sometimes, I think people expect you to go through life according to this cookie-cutter template, any deviation is considered abnormal. Sometimes we mindlessly make decisions for our own life because of this template. I recall Dave Ramsey saying once – “don’t take money advice from broke people.” I think the word broke in that phrase could readily be replaced with the word “unhappy”. Have you ever noticed that the people that try to influence your decisions are some of the most unhappy unfulfilled controlling overbearing people you ever want to meet? It’s ridiculous. It’s so important to forge your own path and if you are going to seek counsel, get it from somewhere who’s in a place where you are striving to be. The noise on the sidelines is just that noise, background chatter – it needs to be ignored.
The most important point is to just forget about what other people have and focus on your own happiness. If we are constantly comparing ourselves to others based on material possessions, we will find ourselves perpetually dissatisfied with our lives. There is always more and better out there, no matter what you already have.
Focus on your goals and priorities and ignore the world around you. Let them play the game. Let them be the hamster. Let them be the donkey chasing after the carrot. Get off the treadmill and start living in pursuit of your ambitions.
Buying more Stuff isn’t going to bring lasting happiness and satisfaction to your life. Once we realize this, we can forget about the Joneses and really begin to live a meaningful life.
Happy Birthday!!
For me, it was as simple as that I stopped paying attention to what other people around me had. Well, at least it helped A LOT!
Happy Birthday JD!
This results of this study aren’t too surprising, however I think this mindset is slowly coming to an end. During the credit build up it was “whoever dies with the most toys wins” mentality. Today, as we come out of the financial meltdown, the theme is “what matters to me most” I see a return to personal values and people ultimately spending time on things that really matter to them versus chasing the Jonses or status quo.
Mike
My take is a little different. It seems that most people have this preference for a high relative consumption level. Rather than fight it by trying to talk myself out of it (albeit with very logical arguments), I just try to change my reference group. Not by changing friends or co-workers, but by reminding myself of the conditions faced by the average person on the planet. I haven’t solved the problem that others have to have less to make me feel better, but it makes me happy. Trying to change the human condition requires too much effort that I could use bettering myself in other ways.
It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Happy birthday; I’d say satisfaction would be the greatest present of all.
Happy Birthday, JD. I still have my wants and will pursue them, but no matter where I am, I don’t want 3 cars, the million dollar home or anything like that. In that sense, I don’t care to keep up with anyone.
Hope you don’t get the birthday blues!
Happy B’Day JD :) I hope you have a wonderful year to come and the great blog and new book take you places :)
It’s only been in the last few years that I really haven’t wanted anything for my birthday or Christmas, either. It’s a good feeling. We could always use more money, I guess, but buying Stuff is certainly the opposite of gaining more of that.
I hope it’s a great birthday, J.D. I also hope that breakfast included lots of bacon!
It is true that we measure ourselves against others. I often find my perception about my body image is influenced by those around me. I am an average weight and normal BMI, but like many women in their mid-thirties, would ideally like to be ten pounds thinner. When I am with my friends who are also average size I feel fine. When I am with the women in my family (all tiny little waifs), I feel HUGE.
Its a headspace that we automatically compare ourselves to those around us. I wish it was something that I could control, but it just happens.
Another example of this was a few years ago, I found out what the guy (a slacker) sitting next to me made. The day before I was completely content with my salary. Finding out that he made more than we suddenly made me dissatisfied.
JD, First, happy birthday. I love the website, it has put me on a path to financial solvency and sustainability, and your blog is part of the reason.
Second, if you havent heard of the “Bacon Explosion”, it’s basically a must for any bacon themed birthday (which is the best theme ever, btw)
Jeff
Great Post and Happy Birthday JD! Enjoy the bacon bacchanal this weekend!
Happy Birthday!
I’ve gotten to the point where I just delay certain purchases until it’s time for gift exchanges. Then I put things on my list like knife sharpener, running pants, and glove liners. I’m thrilled to have them and nobody has to guess what to get me anymore. It seems weird to my wife’s family that I’m not getting anything “fun” but I love cooking, running, and not having my hands frozen off.
Oh my god, I just learned I’m the Jones’s.
I sadly learned that one of my neighbors has to move out of their home because they can’t afford it anymore.
We bought at the same time, both were dual income families, both had the same # of kids, and both bought affordable fixer uppers.
What I didn’t realize until recently is that they financed all of their repairs over the last decade and we paid cash. So now they’re mortgage is almost double what it was..but ours recently got paid off.
Just goes to show how important it is to live in a neighborhood that’s well within your reach financially. This article is SO TRUE.
Happy Birthday! I’m really enjoying your book, especially the part about having Enough, which I’m on right now.
It’s not about having what others have, it’s about having what’s important to you! I get more happiness out of learning to sew my own clothes and curtains, and I don’t have a smart phone or an iPad or a big house or a new car, but I sure would like an MS Courier and perhaps a hot tub!
Happy Birthday! Kris knows you very well — in and of herself, she’s the best birthday present you could ever have.
And enjoy that bacon. :)
KAD (about to turn 41 next Wednesday)
Happy Birthday! My 41st birthday is Sunday. I didn’t know we were so close to the same age. I presumed you were a few years younger, not a few days older. I don’t know why. Cool!
Who are the Joneses? ;-)
LOL at “bacon-themed party,” try bacon wrapped chicken, battered and deep fried :-P
and happy birthday!
One thing is for certain – no amount of Patrick O’Brian novels will ever be enough!
Happy birthday! Thanks for the great blog!
Happy Birthday, JD! I hope you had a great breakfast… what a good gift idea!
“We see what “normal” people have in commercials” — I love this one. The one ad type that makes my blood boil is when they put a car in a driveway with a bow as a gift. (Here! Have painful car payments for years to come! Enjoy!)
I have certainly struggled with the Jones — they’re my sisters! With one orthopedic surgeon in Manhattan married to a former hedge fund manager (and now entrepeneur) and the other sister a preschool teacher (ok, she doesn’t make much) married to a vascular surgeon (but he can moonlight on the weekend and make 3-6k), their earnings far outstrip ours. We don’t aspire to own all the things they do, but it makes gifts to our children and theirs a complicated process.
I definitely agree with @DreamChaser57 – people who are not in a good financial position are always trying to chime in with their advice and telling you what you should get and have. Why is it that people in debt think they should be telling others what to purchase?
Just the other day – some friends of ours were poking fun at us because we do not have a huge flat screen TV yet. Our TV is perfectly fine. It’s a 36″ tube TV and all the channels come in clear. I personally don’t even watch TV. My wife does more than I do..but we agreed that there is no NEED for a new TV. We can afford to buy one if we wanted, but we prefer to use that money towards our savings, vacations, retirement or paying off our mortgage.
What we found really funny, was that they were all in debt – and we were the only couple amongst them that isn’t. Our cars are paid for and there’s about 5 yrs left on our mortgage(we’re in our 30’s)
Then – come to find out, one of our friends wants to sell their flat screen now because they need the money. Isn’t that ironic.
We definitely do not try to keep up with those around us. We have our own goals and we are working towards them. We don’t let the decisions of others influence our financial decisions. We both do not like to be in debt, and avoid it at all costs. We have all the gadgets/clothes etc..that we need and don’t feel the necessity to buy more “stuff”.
Whenever we get the urge – we bring ourselves back to reality by asking ourselves “Is this something we NEED or something we WANT?”
If it’s a need – we purchase it. If it’s a want, we wait 24hrs and think about it to see if we can afford it at the time and does it make sense right now? Maybe we can find it online or somewhere else cheaper?
The key is to be content with what you have. Live within your means and set your own goals. Don’t let what someone else has become what you must get. A lot of our friends have gotten themselves in debt by making purchases just because someone else made a similar purchase. It’s ridiculous!
I wonder who will be laughing when our mortgage is paid off and we purchase our flat screen cash.
Happy Birthday!
You have to become satisfied with what you have. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to appreciate what I have and, more importantly, the peace I have in my life. That peace comes from being happy with my “stuff” as you say. I have a nice home in a safe neighborhood. I have a nice 9-yr old car that works just fine. I have a great husband and wonderful dog (no children yet). That’s more than most people have, and I’m grateful. Most the people on my street have bigger homes and nicer cars, but they are also older than we are. I realize that age has a lot to do with what they can afford. If those people were my age I would suspect they have a lot of debt.
But you have to be satisfied with what you have – someone will always have a nicer (car, phone, home, clothes, golf clubs, etc) than you. But you may have the pleasure of peace of mind and knowing you can sleep at night without bill collectors and without the burden of insatiably wanting more and more.
Happy Birthday!
I think that the key to happiness is both being satisfied with what you have and spending money in places that would make you happy rather than affect the way others look at you. Around here, we don’t want any more “stuff” either.
Happy Birthday! Great post. Makes me think what’s “enough” for me?
JD
This morning I started reading the article. At first I did not pay attention if it was a guest post or written by you, I thought it would be a guest post too, since there have been guest posts everyday for the past few days. Any how I started reading it and felt something fresh, new ideas, really interesting. Then I thought, wait a minute this could not be a guest article, this could only be written by JD. Then there it was, saw that it was in fact written by you.
You bring that freshness by your articles. Keep it up. I would like to read more of articles written by you please….
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOOD FRIEND.
Happy Birthday, JD!
Great, reflective post, as usual.
I also love the Ben Franklin quote from Chett (#4). I want to argue with it, because I do like pretty things, but I think it’s mostly true.
I agree with other commenters that say that picking your reference group is important. I don’t think we can choose not not care about the “Joneses” — I think it’s just the way humans are wired — but we can consciously choose which Joneses we watch. That applies to any social norm, whether it’s money or weight (as Alexandra @24 pointed out) or whether thank you notes are necessary.
Happy Birthday!
It’s funny that I had thought about one of my favorite British TV show this morning: Keeping Up Appearances (aired on PBS I think). It’s about a social-climb snob woman names Hyacinth Bucket – pronounced ‘bou-quet’ – whose aim in life is to impress neighbors, friends and important people. The show is annoyed as hell sometimes ’cause I hate dramas, however it always reminds me of how miserable someone might be when trying to be someone else and how hard it is to live with someone like Mrs ‘Bou-quet’.
Happy birthday when it comes J.D.
It’s also my birthday next week and while I’ll not be having a bacon party {jealous much} I will be making a pork pie with minced pork belly, home cured bacon and home made salted duck eggs :) Gotta love the pork products…
I tried to get out of presents this year, but my GF says that 27 is too young to stop getting gifts!
Maybe you can ask for the bacon mug as seen at http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com
We had to kiss off the Jones’ about three years ago and we’ve never looked back. Three years ago, I was making six figures a year at a job that evaporated when the ‘financial crisis’ hit. My entire income was eaten up with shopping expeditions and maintaining a McMansion in the ‘best’ part of town. The people on my ex-street with the toys, boats, RVs, etc were constantly having to refinance their homes in order to come up with the money to live on. We did the same. It was all a ridiculous mirage. When we were in the Jones’ mindset, more than enough was never enough. It wasn’t until we had to truck it all out when we moved that I realized just how dumb I’d been with our income. Three years later, my best friends are at the waking-up point that we were at three years ago, with a beautiful house stuffed with things bought on credit and stacks of bills.
Happy Birthday JD. I remember your blog being one of the first I found when I was at the end of my financial rope. It was like a voice of reason in the void! I love your blog and wish you all the best.
Happy Birthday! and I hope you enjoy that bacon…yummmm.
My question is – when did it become the rule to only give gifts that satisfied the recipient’s wants? When did it become so bad to give them something they needed? Gifts don’t always have to be flashy and fun, they can be simple and useful. Maybe you have needed a new kitchen stool for a really long time but just haven’t gone out and picked one up. Not a glamorous gift – but if you sit on the creaky, old stool every day – you will definitely enjoy and always remember the new stool was a gift every day afterward.
Happy Birthday, JD!
I agree with enough. Especially regarding presents. I want the time, so on Mother’s Day (for example) my husband & girls make me breakfast and then we go to the nursery to pick out some flowers/plants and we spend the afternoon making up the planters on our deck. Then we have a barbeque and enjoy the the beautiful flowers and arrangements we made. All the money in the world could not buy me a better present than that time spent with my family.
I don’t know, it might just be my personality but I haven’t tried to keep up with the Joneses since I was in middle/high school. I’m not a very social person to begin with so I don’t care about impressing other people. It’s pretty sad that people let it consume their lives. People need to do what makes THEM happy, not what they think will make others happy.
Happy birthday. Your conversation with your wife reminds me of how my husband and I do birthdays and special events. We either go out to dinner or I ask my husband (if it’s my day!) to make me my favorite meal. We don’t really see a need for gifts just because it’s a birthday or whatever. Sometimes we will give each other gifts if we find something we KNOW the other will love, but there’s no pressure either way. If it’s not something the other person would like, it’s a waste.
happy b-day JD! I set aside my blow money to buy your new book. :)
I agree that people need to find satisfaction and contentment with their own lives rather then thinking more stuff will make them happy. Being debt free is really important to me, but I struggle with wanting nice clothes. Old jeans sweat pants and sweat shirts look so raggedy i keep promising myself a huge shopping spree when we are debt free!
Great post! Happy birthday!
One of the things we did recently to tighten our belts a bit due to unemployment was cancel cable TV.
The unexpected result of that was that we don’t really miss cable (we do still stream Netflix so we have TV, just not advertising). And we don’t seem to notice all the nifty new gadgets any more. To there’s a lot less desire to even notice what the Joneses are buying these days, and really no desire to “keep up” with anyone at all.
Oh, and not having the news blaring at you all the time is really uplifting! LOL Since the news media chooses to focus 99% of their effort on negative stories, it used to be a real downer. I still check the news online from time to time, but for the most part I’m finding that, at least in this case, ignorance really can be bliss! If I want uplifting stories, I go to http://www.KarmaTube.org
My husband’s been unemployed for over a year and I haven’t been this happy/content in a long time. He’s even a lot happier. He didn’t hate his old job/boss, and he only lost his job because the whole company went out of business, so it’s not relief from getting out of an awful job. Go figure!
Our house is going on the market soon (because we’ve decided to downsize/move out to the country) and I told him I want to sell a lot of our “stuff” (including furniture) and move with as little as possible so a smaller house won’t feel cluttered. “Stuff” can really weigh you down. More to worry about, more to store, more to clean. Who needs it?!
Happy B Day JD.
Love your blog.
Hi JD:
Happy Birthday! This post really hit home. I recently replaced carpet with wood laminate (it was a need, truly), but my baseboards still aren’t installed since funds ran out. I won’t use credit to finish, it CAN wait. However, I haven’t had anyone over since then because I’m embarrased. I know it’s ridiculous. No one will really “judge” me poorly because my floor isn’t finished. I guess it’s something I still need to work on personally. Maybe I’ll schedule a playdate for my son next week, baseboards not withstanding. GREAT POST!
I also agree with Dave Ramsey’s comment about not taking advise from broke people. I was talking to my FIL about getting cheaper net service (we only pay $55 per month, but still..) and his advice? Spend $300 to get a phone with web capabilities (currently we use prepaid) then the monthly bill will be about $40. ‘Spend $ to save $’ he told me, yet again. The kicker? They are in the process of fileing bankrupsy for being $230K in credit card debt.
A Bacon-themed party?!?! You’ve given a lot of great advice over the years, but this is by far the best! Now I have to wait until November for my birthday. Are Easter Bacon parties allowed?
Happy birthday
I too thoroughly enjoy bacon (much to the chagrin of my Jewish friends)! though I have yet to chance making a bacon explosion (http://www.bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion/)
Happy birthday, JD. Thanks for the article.
I face this when I come back to the states after being in Poland. In Poland I have plenty–I’m probably on the “richer” side…at least I probably could afford to have most of what I want here–even if I don’t buy it. But when we return to the states for a visit, we are definitely NOT the richest people we know. We are surrounded by people with lots and lots of toys and expensive ones.
That isn’t to say that people here don’t have iPhones, etc, but when you have others who can’t buy groceries asking for help, it kind of keeps the materialism in check.
Happy birthday!
My husband and I have traditions where we make each other cakes for our birthday. I had a pear cake this year.
I got some stuff for my birthday– my sister got me a fabulous looking book off my Amazon wish list called “Your money: the missing manual”… also the new Flavia de luce.
Happy B-day!
In my DH’s family they do try to keep up with the Joneses only because they are the Joneses but a far cry from the image that name implies. His maternal grandparents were farmers in Indiana, had their own huge garden from which they canned their own food and made all their own meals. His parents live a very middle-working-class lifestyle who live in the same ranch house that he grew up in where he shared one bedroom with 2 brothers and only have one car. The ironic thing is, he had cousins who thought his parents had tons of money and to this day say that my husband and his brothers always had the best toys. Those cousins today are the ones trying to keep up with the Joneses living in bigger houses with nicer cars while my DH and siblings seem to be quite content with life.
First, Happy Birthday!
I’ve never had a much of a problem keeping up with the Jonse’s. I think I got it during my punk rock days in high school. I thought the most punk rock thing was to not care about stuff and consumerism. While my music tastes have changed that ethos has thankfully stayed with me.
One problem both my wife and I have is we don’t know what we want. Our income is increasing and we have more discretionary income, but we don’t know what to spend it on. We don’t know how to enjoy the fruit of our labors. Anybody else have that problem?
Happy birthday :) We usually invite the other out for dinner instead of birthday presents.
You can buy more time. I belie you already did that when you hired a cleaning lady. If time is what you really want, then just start outsourcing more boring tasks.
Happy B’day JD!
To paraphrase Dave Ramsey, the Joneses may look good, but they’re broke! I couldn’t agree more with this post – way to go, JD!
My husband and I haven’t given each other holiday gifts (birthdays and yes, even Christmas) since the first year of our marriage. We celebrate those days in other meaningful ways, buy what we need when we need it and enjoy living comfortably/debt-free, so gifts for their own sake just create more Stuff to clutter our home. (Being a clutter-purger by nature, lack of Stuff actually makes me happier than receiving a gift, anyway).
The “activity” gift is definitely the way to go. I’d rather have 100 new photos from a fun trip or event with my family (that take up only a wee bit of memory to store on my teeny-tiny jump drive) than a new Thing I’ll want to purge in a few weeks or months.
To me, breakfast with my spouse and a bacon party sound divine!
Happy birthday!
(P.S. You share a birthday with my dog, which probably sounds silly to some people but is pretty special to me!)
I used to think I wanted lots of stuff. I would spend the weekends buying stuff. It turned out that the next week I always wanted new stuff! What I had bought the week before wasn’t good enough anymore.
I learned that it wasn’t stuff I craved,but the thrill of getting something new. I have since decided to spend my time and money on experiences, not things.
Happy B-day !!
Wanting things just prove that you are human. You are forgetting the 20% wants.
They say, when you stop wanting you stop living
Happy birthday!
While I have no problem to not keep up with anybody or ever had, I do have tiny sharp pains when my son asks me when will we ever buy a house – and my response is “not for at least another 2 years”. We rented 11 years, then owned 5 years – and now, after a divorce, rent again. I have no pain in renting, but for a teenager who’s friends all live in big houses it’s hard. And it’s not even money per se that stop me/us – it’s the principal at this point. I want to be where I think our family should be before I get into another mortgage – and that “another one” has to be paid at least 1/2 at signing.
Sometimes you can get to the point where you enjoy others playing with their toys and not feel you have to have one yourself. Heck, part of why I didn’t get an android recently is that most of my friends DO. There’s always someone who can google something if need be, and I get to stick with a flip phone that I don’t have to remember to lock. ;)
Happy birthday, JD
Happy Birthday JD!!!! I hope its a good one.
Although, I’m not sure how the “bacon themed party” fits with your resolution to lose 40lbs this year…! Atkin’s diet perhaps!
Have a healthy and happy 41! I turned 42 a few months back, and I do have to say that 41 was my best year ever!
-Katy
I wonder – could a “keeping up the Joneses” mentality work if the Jones’ were all about frugality?
Since making frugality a goal that I talk about to those in my life, I’ve found that other people get excited too. All of my friends breath a sigh of relief when we plan a book club night, movie night at home or potluck dinner instead of another meal out at a restaurant. And when I read blogs like this or magazines that focus on DIY, I feel like I want to make/grow/do it myself.
Wouldn’t it be cool if we could divert that aim of “keeping up” to one of “needing less” and have that be a mark of distinction?
Happy bday JD! :) Thank you for the awesome blog
Happy birthday, JD!
Happy Birthday! Bacon themed… I wish you’d elaborated on that!
Your wife taking you out to breakfast sure is sweet. As many, including you, have written before it experiences that often bring us the most enjoyment. Sometimes the best gifts ever have to do with giving someone else our time.
My favorite Christmas gift was when my then girlfriend (now wife) flew half way across the country to my family’s house on Christmas day to surprise me. Completely priceless!
Happy birthday!
And I’m with Jennifer @ #19 – we are never going to live near the Joneses who have more stuff than us, and we mostly don’t watch them on TV. Then we don’t have to reign in all those ridiculous wants all the time.
Hey JD and Readers. Don’t know if I enjoy the post more or the comments. Man, this blog is a lot of fun.
JD, I’m looking to buy the Ipad too. I’ll probably get it the day it comes out, but I’m actually thinking of waiting for the next generation. I understand this one will come with no camera or USB port.
Even though I believe it’s going to be a big hit, I can’t believe I’m actually willing to put off this purchase.
(It’s kind of like my notebooks–I’ve probably got around 5 of them, and I don’t want that to happen with the Ipad:-)
Anyway JD, I’m a vegan, but I think I’ll splurge and have some bacon. And thanks to your commenters, I love your ideas too.
Have noticed this with friends who have joined the country club. Not only do you pay heavily for the club, but you are surrounded by more “high-rollers”, who often suggest going away for the weekend or eating in the most expensive restaurants.
Wish you a very happy birthday J.D.
What an excellent post! Keeping up with the Joneses is exactly the reason why many people are unhappy in spite of having almost everything they would ever need in life.
@Poster #20 (Uncertain Algorithm) Thanks for the Emerson quote – profound, on point, and priceless!
A few years ago I gave up cable. I still watch hulu but don’t watch the ads.
Magazines used to be my guilty pleasure. But over the past two years, I’ve found them more and more unsatisfying — too many ads! And I realized that many of the articles featuring product X or Y were nothing but glorified advertisements. After reading a magazine I always found myself wanting to buy X or Y.
Since I’ve stopped TV and magazines (well, I read them at the nail salon but now I see through them…), my desire to purchase has dropped significantly. Instead of looking outside to find out what I want to buy, I look around my condo and in my own closets and think about what (if anything) I really need.
Don’t get me wrong, I still shop for clothes, etc. But it is much more mindful now. It’s amazing how advertising really creeps in, even if you think “I’m immune to that.”
Happy Birthday!
I didn’t want anything for my birthday either, so my husband took me to feed the ducks near our house and then we went to a great little Italian restaurant down the street. I thought this was fantastic since feeding the ducks is definitely more of a “me” activity and he doesn’t even like Italian much but it’s my favorite. Most importantly, he seemed to have a great time too, so I didn’t have to feel guilty. Yay!
This is something my husband and I still struggle with occasionally. Setting a big goal – and a separate ING account to save for it – has helped curb the urge to buy Stuff, somewhat. Lately I’ve found myself repeating a statement I’ve read here before: I can have ANYthing I want, just not EVERYthing I want, as a way to both curb the shopping impulse and reaffirm the permission to buy what’s important to us (I’m in the miser stage of the overspender-miser complex).
Our gift exchange depends on our current wants/needs. Either we’ll get something small, like a new book from a favorite author, or we’ll use it as an excuse to buy something expensive that we’ve been putting off. For his birthday next month I’ll be purchasing a pricey nail gun that my husband has been drooling over for a year, just in time for him to start our kitchen remodel :)
Happy Birthday and thank you for your years of pursuing your writing and financial passions, which have benefited us all!
P.S. http://www.bbspot.com/News/2010/03/should-i-buy-an-ipad.html
Happy Birthday, JD! Here’s to another great year ahead!
Happy B-Day JD!
As someone who studies and works in this area, it is wonderful to see coverage of this little known (although now more known) fact about the human condition.
There are two additional points that I would like to make that your readers may find useful, both of which are supported by considerable scientific research.
1) Materialism in and of itself (regardless of the impacts of material comparisons with others) is a very serious condition that can lead to a lifetime of dissatifaction and depression.
2) “Keeping up with the Jonese” is a process through which people are extrinsically motivated. Our modern society breeds this type of motivation. Intrinsic motivation is the opposite as it relates to an action as the end itself, rather than the means to an end. For example, earning a paycheck to buy nice things where the work itself is unenjoyable is extrinsic motivation. Doing work because you love it, and the money is strictly an unintended outcome, is intrinsic motivation.
The point I want to make, again supported by research, is that the more a person becomes extrinsically motivated, the more likely that they will be psychically disconnected to those actitivies they find to be the most rewarding. Over time, they lose the ability to do something just for the love of doing it. Extrinsic motivation takes over, and they are headed for a crash. This is a common cause of mid-life crises.
Great stuff. Keeping it going JD.
Happy Birthday J.D.
What the Jones family doesn’t tell you is that they have trouble sleeping at night because of the massive amount of debt that they took on in order to finance their purchases. I’d love to see a commercial where a couple drives by in a modest car and sees big houses and luxury cars and then above every one of them they saw the amount of debt (and interest) each of them cost the “Joneses”.
People need to do what we say in Rule #5 and <a href=”Happy Birthday J.D.
What the Jones family doesn’t tell you is that they have trouble sleeping at night because of the massive amount of debt that they took on in order to finance their purchases. I’d love to see a commercial where a couple drives by in a modest car and sees big houses and luxury cars and then above every one of them they saw the amount of debt (and interest) each of them cost the “Joneses”.
People need to do what we say in Rule #5 and Get Some Cheap Self Confidence and not worry about the Jones family as JD says.
#59– Brett– We went through a small period like that making big city salaries in a small town after making small town salaries in a big city. But then we realized we didn’t HAVE to spend it… and I’m glad we didn’t. It’s ok just to spend on “enough” and put the money away for later when you know what you want. (Possibly you could up your donations to charity– we did do that.)
This year we’re taking a sabbatical in a big city from our regular jobs, living off savings, DH is working on a start-up and is the only member not stressed out about money, DH and DS can accompany me on business trips, we can spend more on rent than we’re getting in rent, eat what we want without worrying about budgeting… it’s like a year-long vacation and exploration. We could not have done this if we hadn’t saved during those years when we didn’t know what to spend it all on.
If you haven’t yet, read Your Money or Your Life with your spouse. It’ll promote wonderful discussions.
A huge amount of savings (and investment income) buys freedom, the ability to say yes, to do things that you wouldn’t have thought of doing otherwise. It allows you to think bigger (not in terms of stuff necessarily, but in terms of what you can do)… to take time off, to travel, to make a difference, or to do something completely different. You can take risks without risk.
I’ve never really wanted birthday presents or Christmas presents. When I want things I go buy them. I’m not patient so it’s unlikely I’ll want to wait for Christmas if I can afford it now.
I don’t keep up with the Joneses, but I probably spend more than the Joneses. They all have iPhones when I have a 2 year old slider phone that I intend to keep for another 2 years. They all eat out for lunch every day but I bring my own food. They have nice cars when I bought a used car.
At the same time, I care about different things. I want an LV purse. Whether they have it or not I will want it. I want diamond earrings, so I got that as soon as I could afford it. I want nice clothes and shoes so I buy the best of the best for these too.
People wonder how I can afford name brand shoes and coats and clothes. The secret is I know what I want and how many will satisfy me. I buy quality, not quantity. That one pair of 400 dollar shoes is going to last me 5 years or more. The 1000 dollar coat has been with me for 3 years already and it’s doing well. An LV purse that’s well taken care of is known to last 20 years.
I’m willing to spend a lot of money on things but I have very few of them.
this post came at the perfect time! the past few days, i have been struggling with wanting an iphone! but, something inside me was making me hesitate…i really don’t need an iphone to complete my life! after reading this post, i feel free! fantastic! thank you — and happy birthday!
Funny thing I have noticed about not trying to keep up is that the longer I delay a want – the better the options become.
I still have an old CRT television. All my friends have these 5 squillion inch plasmatic crystal display televisions. I just heard today that they are releasing 3D television! So I wait another year and possibly get a 3D tv. I will have basically skipped the entire Plasma/LCD rage and saved myself a good $1K.
Delayed gratification can yield some great things.
Happy Birthday JD! I want to know more about this bacon-themed party, it sounds like something my husband (and I, truthfully) would love!! :D
Great article. My family members are all better off than us – engineers and computer scientists with large paychecks and no spending problems. It’s a bit awkward at times to listen to them talk about their fabulous houses, the fancy restaurants they visit and trips they take, knowing that we cannot afford to do the same. So I remind myself that while they all got the rich ones (jobs, partners), I got the fun ones! My DH and our little home and furry family are worth ever so much more than money. :)
Let’s just hang on a minute. If you like having a nice four or five bedroom home, a boat, a camper, motorcycles, a pool, exotic vacations and you can afford these things while meeting your other financial goals without racking up debt and want them, what’s the problem? Isn’t a big part of being frugal spending money on things you find value in? The “Jones’s” are doing just fine and happily living their lives. It’s those of us who try to emulate them and can’t afford to that are screwing ourselves over. Leave the poor Jones’s alone, they didn’t tell us to look like them :-)
Happy birthday, JD, and do let us know how that bacon party went. Perhaps a post on that is in order.
Happy Birthday JD. Enjoy your breakfast. I find that experiences mean more than things any day.
America’s got a wicked bad case of affluenza. Don’t catch it!
Happy Birthday!
I think it makes a lot of sense to “focus” on what you already have and be happy with it. When you look at what you have and are able to enjoy it your perspective changes. You don’t fall into that want, want, want more like you’re talking about. I have to give credit to my dad for this! Thanks and Happy Birthday!
Great post!
Have a wonderful birthday today!
Happy Birthday!
I agree–it’s better to be content than to have stuff.
On the other hand, there are many situations in life where a person will benefit by having their home or clothing look “up to standard”.
For example, if you are trying to get an executive level job, you will be more successful at landing the job if you spend the money to dress well and get a good quality haircut and shoes. Not fair, but true.
In another example, my ex accused me in a custody hearing of not taking good enough care of our children–and he specifically mentioned my older home in a poorer neighborhood (compared to his McMansion). Believe me, when a social worker comes to inspect your home to determine if you get to keep your kids or not, you better make sure your home doesn’t have any unfinished remodeling projects (they are safety issues), old or non-functioning appliances (more safety issues–even functioning old appliances may no longer meet safety standards), or cosmetic issues such as a yard full of dandelions or holes in your interior drywall.
Also, it is really nice to have your neighbors like you instead of constantly grumping about your lawn/siding.
I also worry about the impact that the maintenance and how our home looks has on my kids’ social lives. Kids are conservative–my own (elementary school age) kids are very clear that they think a living room needs a sofa, a TV, and a coffee table to look “normal”. I’ve heard the neighborhood kids gossip about their classmate who lives in a trailer. And I want other parents to feel comfortable about their kids coming over to play and not avoid us because of our sketchy neighborhood.
So, while I applaud your “who cares”? attitude, there are clear benefits to you and your family if you keep up with the Jones’ at least a little and at least in some ways. It’s possible to do it strategically, though.
@ Lisa B #52, when we moved into our apartment, DH installed parquet floors. Six years later, the trimwork still isn’t done. Nobody notices. Schedule the play date!
J.D. feliz cumpleanos and enjoy that bacon party. Still snickering about that.
btw papaya and pineapple are great high-enzyme fruits to include when eating fatty meat.
happy birthday JD!!
I am amused by the comments above suggesting ‘bacon stuff’ for your party while agreeing with you that less stuff is a good thing :) we can’t change that quickly can we…
Happy Birthday, may this be your best year yet! I agree with your stance on Stuff, my husband and I are trying to get rid of things we don’t use regularly. For his birthday Saturday, he is getting a party, cake, and an educational video (through iTunes so it doesn’t collect dust). We rent by choice and we have a plan to eliminate our debt in 2011.
It’s actually our richest friend who has the least stuff. He’s divorced, lives in a one bedroom apartment and has no car. When he wants to take a trip or have a fun local experience, he knows he has the money.
I think I need to bookmark this post and come back to it on my pity-party “why me?” depressed days. I wish I knew people in real life that think like the people that read this blog!
PS Happy Birthday! :)
I am currently struggling with a dilemma on spending. Weather I should keep my golf club membership. The last day to resign is 4/30. Our income is down about 50k to around, but at 56 we have 1 mil in retirement accounts and our only debt is 86k on our mortgage. We can swing the membership, but that leaves us with no savings to add to our retirement accounts. My gut says to leave. It costs me with everything about 5k a year.
12-step programs call this “compare and despair” — the quest to find a yardstick for achievement and then use it to beat ourselves. I can certainly identify with the expression.
I attended high school with friends who formed a grammy-winning band. I became an actor; though I had quite a bit of artistic success and even occasionally joined the 2% of actors who actually make a living at it, I didn’t have any major awards, so in my mind, I sucked. It wasn’t envy exactly, I felt good for my friends — I just thought I sucked by comparison.
To say the least, “compare and despair” robbed me of much of the enjoyment I might have had from my acting career. It was also definitely a factor in my taking a huge number of personal development courses, my involvement in a number of silly quick-rich schemes and most perniciously, gobs of credit card debt.
Finally it dawned on me that if I was going to beat myself up with my friends well-earned success, I might as well also compare myself to Clint Eastwood, Ghandi, Bill Clinton, Mike Tyson, Batman, Spiderman, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide. There was no end to it. That began to let the air out of it.
I’m still letting go of that tendency to some extent, but honestly, if I died tomorrow, I would die fairly satisfied. I realize that my to-do list will never be “to-done” and that there will always be more to want. The trick is to live fully, and “stuff” is only an imperfect means to that end. Luckily, I married a beautiful woman who shares my values. We would like to have kids and raise them the best we can, inculcate a love of learning in them and expose them to beauty, culture and others who share our values. The dream is to do some budget travelling at some point.
We got rid of our TV years ago and now watch DVDs on a used video projector. It’s like having our own movie theater at home and we love it. It also shields us from commercials designed to create anxiety that can be lulled only through acquisition.
First though, we mean to pay down those cards — step one was cutting them up, step 2 takes a few years. I can’t wait. After that, a modest house somewhere nice will do me fine. I will wake up every morning and bless my freedom from the Joneses. I am a trained Life Coach now, helping others realize their dreams and avoid some of the traps I fell into. One big one: “compare and despair”.
Happy Birthday!
What kind of cake are you planning for a bacon themed birthday?
Ironically, our next door neighbors are the Jones! Fortunately neither of our families is very competitive on stuff.
-Rick Francis
Happy Birthday! This has cropped up recently about the invidious comparisions. We want to go to the beach for a couple days and will most probably book at a Myrtle beach resort with many amenities because I can book it for the same price (actually a little less) than our usual places. However I worry if I do that this summer, will my kids then be disappointed with the more “rustic” places we normally go on vacation? I don’t think so, but I worry about rising expectations.
gypsy– What kids want in a vacation adventure isn’t necessarily what we’ve been conditioned to want as adults. I’m reminded of this wonderful story I heard on NPR a couple of years ago:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=92933203
Happy Birthday! BTW, an iPod isn’t a “want,” it’s a necessity of life. As soon as you get one you think to yourself, “How did I ever live without one?” ;)
Congrats on your birthday, JD and this is a good reminder to everyone about what might drive our insatiable wants.
But, dude, an iPad? I didn’t think you’d ignore the Early Adopter Premium, especially when it comes to technology, where that premium is particularly pronounced.
Yes, you have the cash to afford it, and yes, there will be a constant stream of updates and newer models in the years to come. But a 1st gen/1st revision tech product is generally where you get to pay more to be the final stage of Quality Assurance.
My strategy for deciding whether or not to purchase a new shiny toy actually depends on those people who must keep up with the Joneses. I borrow their shiny toy and ask them what they like and hate about it.
Happy Birthday!
@ Poster 83 (DC Portland) – I’m not sure if extrinsic and intrinsic motivations are always mutually exclusive? However, I think it is incredibly important to value your work for its own sake, because you’re passionate about it and feel you are making a difference. Joy is less fleeting that way. If just work for the reward or recognition every time you’re overlooked for a raise or promotion – a depression and accompanying feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy can ensue.
@Poster 96 (Karen) – I’ve encountered so many different executives in a variety of industries. Executives run the gamut. Some are snazzy dressers and some are not. I knew this one guy who had two suits, one or two ties, and maybe three dress shirts – he kept everything crisp and fresh but he interchanged everything and wore the same tie three times a week. His corner office looked just as good as the next guy’s. I used to administratively support another Executive and while I was preparing his expense report, I noticed a Payday Loan receipt, he had inadvertently included it with his other business expense receipts – I gasped aloud because I’m sure this guy made tens of thousands more than me and I have never stepped foot in such a place, and buy the Grace of God I never will. I’ve also seen executives that looked kind of frumpy and polo shirts and dockers were the order of the day until they had a big meeting, or a client lunch. The skill set more than the clothes are what have to be beyond reproach for the executive job – and even if you secure a high paying job, if someone is fiscally challenged or irresponsible enough, any income can be overleveraged.
Hubby and I are not parents yet, but I have to say I am not going to move into a neighborhood that I cannot afford just for appearance sake, so my children can have play dates with other children whose parents may be leery of my neighborhood. Sometimes, financial stability or wealth is just a mirage built on a stack of wobbly cards on a windy day, like debt. I once heard Warren Buffet say when the tide goes out you can tell who was skinny dipping. I might not have got that verbatim (LOL) – I think the point is still compelling in this recessionary season so many households appeared to be on a solid financial footing but were not, their financial houses did not have a foundation. I also think an incredibly important lesson for children to learn is that human beings have intrinsic worth and value beyond their material accoutrements. Making friends based on such things like where they live or assuming your children’s lives will be enriched by associating with people who do make decisions based on such things is a morally slippery slope, to use the eloquent phrasings of another GRS poster, I can’t recall who.
Sorry for the long post- I’m just passionate about this subject.
Great post and Happy Birthday!
Maybe a good question to ask is “How can I afford that something you want (an iPad)? Rather than think, you can’t afford it. Open your mind to create the possibility to afford the iPad and move to create income to buy it. And not because you want to keep up with the Joneses, but because you truly want it.
@109 (DreamChaser57) – Intrinsic and extrinsic motivations are not mutually exclusive in the sense that ALL of us are functioning in both realms at the same time. It is important to point out, however, that intrinsic and extrinsic motivations are not opposites of the same continuum. There is some really interesting work being done in psychology (namely, positive psychology), showing that each of us has the capacity to function simultaneously in somewhat mutually exclusive ways. For instance, depression is not the opposite of happiness. You can decrease depression through therapy, drugs, etc., but that does not necessarily make you happier. Likewise, people can be made happier, but that does not necessarily mean they will become less depressed. These findings likely support the notion that finding your way too far down the extrinsic motivation pathway can separate you from what you value most in life.
@110 (Kristine) – No offense, but the process you describe is just the trap that people find themselves in that creates a strongly negative influence on their sense of well-being. Working to create income to buy what you truly want is an artifact of materialism. This path will lead nowhere in terms of your happiness and financial security. The iPad becomes the BMW, and then you’re in a world of hurt.
Nicole, aw. I still remember visiting my great grandfather in St. Louis and getting to eat at a restaurant where we got our own tray and got to pick out our own food and dessert! (yes, a cafeteria). I don’t know why, it was WOW to us. Same visit we got to eat at a Chinese restaurant with I’m sure tacky decor but but to us it was so cool. We fought over who got to keep the adult’s fortunes from the fortune cookies.
I think the generation called the “millenials” know that work and money aren’t as important as experiences and time with friends and family. Unfortunately we get labeled as lazy because of this by the older generations.
Hi JD,
Many many happy returns of the day. I am a regular read of your website , and I wish to meet you sometime if possible. I live in Beaverton , Oregon.
Thanks,
Nishanth
People should just get used to the fact that it’s a part of human nature to “keep up with the Joneses” or another word for that, “competition”.
per wikipedia:
“Competition between members of a species (“intraspecific”) is the driving force behind evolution and natural selection; the competition for resources such as food, water, territory, and sunlight results in the ultimate survival and dominance of the variant of the species best suited for survival. Thus, each of the species competes with the others to gain access to the resources. As a result, species less suited to compete for the resources must either adapt or die out. According to evolutionary theory, this competition within and between species for resources plays a critical role in natural selection.”
Without human’s inherent “dissatisfaction” we would not be striving and all be “lotus-eaters” and die out as a species.
I also believe that the inherent competitive nature is huge when it comes to something as important like mate selection. Does keeping up with the Joneses (mate competition) include salary, education, grooming? Nice car? Nice house? I know tons of both sexes believing that it does and I know it’s harsh but if you’re not competitive you have a chance to be out of the gene pool.
Now, I understand that being over-competitive and flashy is also a flaw since you will be (mostly unconsciously) putting in way too many resources for little benefit in a lot instances (do you REALLY need 4 armani suits when 1 will impress “the ladies/men” just as well?), but saying that all competition is “bad” etc, is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
You guys always surprise me.
Sometimes I wish there were a behind-the-scenes feature show that I could show how certain blog entries are produced. With this one, for example, you’d see me sitting down late last night without a thing to post this morning. Kris and I had that conversation earlier in the day, but I felt it was too weak to be a post on its own. yet, I liked how it tied into my birthday. Plus, it seemed to tie into the “Joneses” article, so I spent 90 minutes massaging this into shape.
I wasn’t satisfied when I was finished, but it was 1am, and I knew that I was getting up early to go to breakfast with Kris (yay!), so I just said enough and went to bed.
I didn’t expect it to resonate with folks, but I’m glad it did. But I think it’s a credit to *you* guys, who are always able to turn a lump of coal into a diamond.
Thank you, and thank you for the birthday greetings.
Happy 41st Birthday JD…and may you have many more to come.
Thanks for gr8 newsletters…
My brother-in-law is always talking about “so and so has this much money, xyz is doing this, abc has that”.
The reality though is no matter how much you have, there’s always somebody doing better (unless you are Carlos Sims for this year) and somebody doing worse. Comparisons are pointless.
Happy birthday, JD! Have a wonderful day and year. Thank you for a lovely column.
Wow! I knew that I enjoyed your blog before, but a bacon-themed party? You’re my hero!!!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday J.D. – Enjoy your day!
Kris sounds like a wonderful woman to do breakfast with you, even though “it’s just not Kris’s thing.”
I guess my wife and I are lucky we don’t watch TV, since it appears that in doing so, we are not influenced by the advertising that insists we must keep up with the Joneses.
Happy Birthday! I’m turning 44 next month and for the first time in my life I’m actually nearly debt free. It’s a good feeling and you’ve helped me get there. Love your blog!
Happy Birthday, JD!
A bacon-themed party? That’s the best idea I ever heard!
I learned many years ago that what other people think is pointless to my life. Do they like my car, home or anything else? It doesn’t matter because they don’t walk in my shoes. And I don’t care how anyone else lives either. Who am I to judge?? My son’s friend came over one time for a play date and after he left, my son was obviously upset. When I asked him why he was upset, he said that his “friend” told him that he would never come over to our home again because it was “too small.” I told my son that we pay the bills here and this is what we can afford. His “friend” will figure that out when he gets his own place and a job and let’s see how big his place is!! Besides, if he doesn’t like our home, I don’t want him here anymore than he wants to be here. Let him stay in his own home! He has never been back. GOOD. Why should we care what a 9 year old thinks?? For me to worry about how other people live and to try to look like I own as much as they do is very shallow. I feel that as long as I take care of myself and my own, that’s what really matters.
Happy Birthday JD!
My birthday is Tuesday 30th and it is good to see so many Aries on the blog!
My mother asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanted to receive a birthday card in the post…
I am currently saving to buy my second house, I already have an investment property about two hours away from where I live and work, and am saving to buy a place to live in to stop paying rent, so every cent counts.
I used to be so bad. When I was 18 and just starting full time work I earned $11,000 a year, so the bank in their wisdom gave me an $8000- credit card limit. I thought it was great, I bought Stuff like you wouldn’t believe. I was so lucky to win some money and be able to pay that off quickly. Never again…
Well fast forward to almost 38 and my family consider me the biggest tight a**e they have ever known. I proudly presented my yearly spend to my parents and they couldn’t believe it, $500 last year on clothes (most of that at specialty camping stores getting reading for my trip to Everest last year)$200 on shoes ($150- of that on hiking boots) and $100- on books (previously that was my monthly spend).
I have managed to save enough to buy my investment property and will have that paid off in six years, and also will have enough to buy a lovely one bedroom flat in Sydney, if I can ever find anywhere I like…but that’s a different story.
By the way, the banks THREW money at me for my new loan, one person, one average income, they wanted to give me over half a millon dollars. I refused and the loan officer said that no-one had ever refused the higher amount before.
Sassy
I agree. Often, when I find myself complaining about this or that I stop myself and say “you have so much more than so many other people, and really have no right to complain about anything.” And it’s true and it always makes me look at that particular situation in a different light.
Happy Birthday, JD!! I hope you have a wonderful year and many more ahead!
Kelleigh2- right there with you. My siblings are definitely Joneses and my mother supplements their Jonesness. I left the race about 20 years ago. Sometimes I look back- but then I look at my students and think what you say.
Happy B day JD- you were inspired.
Master’s of Marketing student here.
Considering that I spend every day learning how to convince consumers to buy products, let me stress the importance of:
a – developing good spending patterns.
b – drawing the line where you say “I have enough.”
Figure out what makes you happy as far as material goods are concerned and once you reach that level (or before, it’s not black and white) switch into lifestyle building.
The alternative is dooming yourself to a never ending cycle of grasping for goods that don’t matter and won’t make you any happier.
And trust me, the marketers will always be there to sell you more of the pointless stuff. In fact, we’re getting scarily good at it.
Happy Birthday JD!
I will never have enough DVDs. But I also don’t subscribe to cable.
Happy birthday, J.D. ! I hope you enjoy your breakfast.
I’ve been reading this blog for some time now without ever commenting, but I felt compelled to share something today.
Growing up, my family was the Joneses. Whenever my friends visited my house, they’d always comment on how big our home was or how nice our things were. What my friends didn’t know was how hard my parents worked for everything they had.
As newlyweds, my parents shared a two bedroom apartment with my father’s cousin. This year will be their 32nd anniversary. They’ve been together through so many ups and downs, it is impossible for me to count.
About fifteen years ago, our family experienced what so many people are feeling today. Home foreclosure, unemployment, loss of insurance, one breadwinner, and even homelessness (although for relatively short periods of time). Through it all, my parents supported each other and kept the family together, even when others said they should call it quits. It took them over a decade before they were able to buy a home again. Other than their mortgage and a car loan, my parents live on a pay-as-you-go system. If they don’t have the cash, they don’t buy it.
Even as an adult, nothing can convince my friends that I am not “Little Miss Jones.” You’d be surprised how shocked they are to find out that I pay my own expenses or that I was able to graduate debt-free from college without financial help from my parents.
As a “Jones” (not my label, but everyone else’s for me), I can say that there is nothing I have that is worth anyone keeping up with. If you find yourself comparing your personal possessions to your neighbor’s, stop right now! You don’t know the Joneses. You don’t know that the Joneses almost divorced, that the Joneses’ kids spent years on reduced lunch, or that Daddy Jones gave plasma to supplement his family’s income.
The only thing I have that I wish I could share with the world is a loving family that sticks together when times are good, and, inevitably, when times are bad.
Happy birthday JD!
My birthday was on the weekend and rather than buying me a gift I asked my husband to drive me up the coast to my favourite beach. It is about an hour away so we rarely go and it was a real treat for me. My parents, 4 sisters and in-laws all insist on giving me gifts so I asked them to all give me money to buy a new watch. I decided to buy a (for me) quite expensive watch but chose one in a very classic non-flasy style that is Swiss-made and will last me foreve.
For our wedding anniversary my husband I decided to have breakfast together (my favourite meal to eat out) and then we went to our local bookstore together and chose eachother one book to read- it was really special as we spent the time together browsing the bookstore aisles.
Great comments
My partner for many years did not believe me when I insisted on no gifts (or No Stuff). None of the women in his life had ever asked this of him, so it took some serious convincing that I was serious about this (These same partners were of the mindset that men were “walking wallets” and the trade off of being a couple was that the man in the relationship paid for _everything_ … it was a struggle for him when I insisted we go “Dutch” for the first year we dated… but I digress…)
When pushed, I would agree to “a gift that we both could share: An experience.” Sometimes that was dance classes, a weekend away, a dinner out, a hot tub rental, a night @ the symphony, walk on the beach, a picnic – what ever it was – we both shared the experience. Now it’s the norm for us for all birthdays, holidays, anniversaries…
It’s funny as he is _much_ more frugal then I, as we found out we are ultimately both minimalists in our home … but the cultural expectations around gifts took a _long_ time to separate out from the expression that they intend to represent…
Thanks for yet another great article about what’s important in life – being content. And Happy Birthday!
This is very similar to another recent study on happiness (in the U.S.) where the researchers learned that people with very little (not enough for basic needs) were unhappy, as they earned more, they became happier, until they reach a state where they can meet most of life’s basic needs. Then as they have more beyond that, they worry and become unhappy again. They also concluded that folks in the States work a lot more than rest of the developed world, regardless of where they are on the social economic scale.
In my career I’ve had the opportunity to help many consumers plan to achieve their financial life goals. The curious thing is that most people have been trained by Madison Ave to want more then they need, so they live beyond their means, work really hard, and are not very happy.
For those who are curious, we have a simple online tool that allows families to list their goals big and small, and within a few minutes figure out how long it will take them to achieve all those things and stop working. This number usually scares them. People are also shocked when they find out that by spending a couple hundred dollars less per month may allow them to stop working a couple years earlier.
http://www.cloudfi.com/app/home/index.gsp?cId=g9e8t7r4i9ch
It’s still in early beta so might be a bit rough.
I never knew the Joneses, never cared to..heard a lot about them, sounds like a fairly snooty bunch to me.
Having enough needs to be a concept that you define within your own mind. It should not be determined by what others think is enough for you.
A key point in your article was the way television impacts our understanding of what “normal” is. I don’t watch a lot of tv (and I don’t have cable), but I definitely notice how people’s lives are portrayed on sit coms and soap operas and in commercials.
I LOVE looking at home decor books, magazines, and blogs — I was just leafing through some old issues of one of my favorite mags (it went out of business a few years ago) and was looking at the prices of some of the things featured — astronomical! But the images portray things for sale that are “aspirational” — We the readers (or tv viewers) see these images and think “that’s attractive, that’s how people live, that’s how I want to live”. But a little critical perspective makes that advertising ploy quite apparent.
I have a lot more peace in my life when I’m not looking at the virtual Joneses on tv and in magazines.
Hmmm…bacon!
Btw, I got 30 on 25/3…finally some celebrity that has the same day birthday as I do. ;) And I also had a very hard time deciding what to wish.
I’d like to reply to my fellow “Karen” (comment 96)that very often in a divorce, the lower earner has to downsize their lifestyle in order to provide the basic necessities of life for themselves and their children. However, I have not heard of any case where the placement of the children was judged on who could provide the nicest atmosphere. As a child of divorce and someone who had my husband leave me for another woman, I know all too well the sacrifices and setbacks of having to provide on your own. I also know how difficult it was for me as a child to always be told that “we can’t afford that,” so not having what others have became a way of life for me that today I can embrace. My young adult children, who turned out just fine in spite of not having the designer sneakers and the shiny new car when they turned 17, have a greater respect for money and are making it on their own when so many of their peers are still living at home with their parents. There is nothing worse than a custody “battle” over the kids (my current husband went through and lost). I wish you the best.
Hey, J.D.! Happy Birthday! Today’s MY birthday (I’m 58) and I feel the exact same way. I’ve started on major debt zapping initiative, and it’s somehow helped to reduce my wants. My kids asked me what I want, and I really, really, only want us to be together, if possible.
That’s it.
Happy Birthday JD! I hope you had a truly wonderful breakfast.
It is unfortunate that so many of us are focused on what we want now and what others have now that we fail to think about what we are trying to achieve with our lives.
We have become too short sighted. We need to try and hold an image of what it is we want to accomplish in our lifetime and support that dream with our actions… and purchases.
This is what has helped me curb my “stuff-it” syndrome. (I would always by things and stuff-it in the garage!)
Thanks again for the post!
@ Claudia….when I was reading your post I was sure you were describing me!
I also had a very similar experience to Claudia growing up. In high school my family were the “Joneses”. They had worked hard in their early years of marriage, saved and were at a point where they could easily afford the nice things they had.
Because of this constant labeling of me by my peers, I chose to attend college a few hours away. I wanted to escape the comments and the stereotypes that I had growing up.
I met my (now) husband at school, we graduated, got entry level jobs and bought a modest house in the same town as our college. We drive used cars. Everything we have is because we paid for it. (We are getting better with our $$ thanks to reading blogs like GRS!) It wasn’t until our wedding that our circle of friends knew about my family’s financial situation.
My parents being “well off” has made me self conscience most of my adult life as well. Now that people are aware of my parents situation, they treat us differently. “Oh, well why don’t you ask your parents for some money for your home repairs”. (Uh, because it is their money and not ours). “Well life is easier when you have money”. (Yes I agree, hence why we have jobs and try to be responsible with it.) My husband has had many a “friend” ask him if my parents bought our house or cars, ect., or if they give us a stipend to live on. His personal favorite….”must be nice to have married a trust fund baby.” (No I do not have a trust fund and never will, my parents have made it clear that their estate wll be given to the charities they support) I am not sure if I my feelings are hurt by these questions or if I am just bewildered.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that is constanly amazes us how fascinated people are when it comes to how much other people make, how big their house is and how much other people have. I am not sure I understand this.
My husband and I do our best to not look at life this way. We are content to spend our time with each and our dogs (we haven’t got to the kid stage quite yet!). We are content with what we have at this point. Would I love to have more…of course it is great to dream!
Thanks for listening to my little rant. I have been reading this blog for a long time and this is my first post!
Happy birthday JD! mmmmmm…Bacon :)
Just wanted to say, enjoy your bacon-themed party this weekend. And I am so stealing this idea for my husband’s birthday next year, so don’t go copy righting the bacon party or anything. :P
I love getting birthday presents from my husband and kids. To me a birthday is about blowing out the candles, and opening the little packages the kids have excitedly wrapped up.
However, I don’t like clutter or excess stuff. My solution? To request consumables that I would have bought eventually anyway – eg a face cream or some chocolate, or to receive the cute little gifts (drawings, pastings) the kids make.
This way the birthday person has a fun day, the kids learn birthdays for parents are special too (and require effort on their behalf), and no excess stuff is purchased.
:-)
Happy birthday, old man.
I’m trying a bacon cheesecake brownie recipe for a get-together tomorrow. Long live bacon!
@ Kevin….
If the recipe is a success, would you consider sharing it?
Happy birthday! The bacon-themed party sounds great, but why would you get an iPad when you could get a netbook that does more and costs much less?
It was my 10th wedding anniversary yesterday and my husband bought me a “nice” bottle of wine and an orchid plant. While it “felt” good to receive these gifts, I realized later that a gift he had given me a year ago was still sitting in my closet with the price tag attached. What is “enough”? What really makes us happy? It’s not stuff that’s for sure.
I’ve tried for the last two years to convince my parents and other family members that I want a donation in my name to the charity of thier choice for my Birthday/Christmas present.
So far ONE of them has gone for it, and the other family members made that one feel like they had done something wrong :(
I can buy anything that I need or want. And things I don’t need or want have no place in my life.
I keep trying to explain that I want time with my loved ones and mutual experiences, not things!
But hey, really, who DOESN’T need a full set of black towels with green cat’s eyes embroidered in them to go in thier ivory bathroom???!!
I was off the buying binge for 2 years…. felt great!
then i replaced my 4 year old car with a new one..
same make…same model…same mistake!
..when will i ever learn?
@Andy V – it’s not my recipe, I found it on instrucables.com. It’s pretty easy. I tried a piece this morning and it was good, I probably should have used more bacon though, the cheesecake flavor was too dominant.
(Recipe called for a 1/4 cup bacon bits, I used a half a 3 oz packet of the pre-cooked bacon bits you can buy in the salad dressing aisle.)
Happy Birthday JD!
Classic Post. Thanks again!
I just turned 30, and it was the first birthday for which I could not think of a single thing to ask for. Maybe that’s a present on its own!
I asked my husband and my parents instead to contribute their skills to projects I have planned for the next year. They were skeptical, but agreed.
The concept of Enough reminds me of this excellent and concise post about deciding how much digital content is Enough:
http://www.43folders.com/2009/12/14/enough
I feel the same kind of way about digital Stuff. A lot of times it seems we only follow websites because everyone else follows them, or we only read things that our online-idols read.
Fantastic article! A few months ago, we decided we’d had enough of keeping up with the Joneses, so we sold just about everything we owned, and moved to Costa Rica for a while. We’re trying to focus more on doing what we love and being together as a family.
And although I try not to pay attention to it, I can’t help but notice that even without a lot of “stuff”, we still have more than most of the people here. I have only seen one other person with an iPhone and no one else with a Macbook Pro. The house we’re renting is very nice as well, so, relatively I guess we just made ourselves the rich Joneses. But people don’t seem to care as much about “keeping up” here, which is great.
We don’t do much for birthdays either. Maybe we’ll go out to dinner – but who needs another $30 or even $100 toy?