Wedding registries: A love-hate relationship
Pros and Cons
The pros of a gift registry are:
- Efficiency. You can order the gift and you’re done. The store ships it and you don’t have to wrap it, schlep it, or even buy a card.
- The couple picks what they want, and you know your gift is to their taste, which is especially helpful if you hate shopping or don’t know the couple well enough to key in to their life style. Easy. Done.
From my point of view, the negative list is more extensive:
- It’s impersonal. No way to write a note to go with your gift, except electronically.
- The choices are not prioritized. Recently, after scrolling through scores of chosen items, I finally decided to just purchase a gift certificate from the registry and let the couple decide. Wrapping and shipping would have been an extra $20, which seems mostly wasted.
- The options are overly directed. The attitude expressed, even if it’s not intentional, is DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GIVING US SOMETHING NOT ON OUR LIST! I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer. This is often the case because the couple is using a store registry, which is a fixed template without options to comment or personalize any aspect of the choices. They come off sounding very dictatorial.
- I don’t like being limited to chain stores and/or mass produced items. Some of my favorite wedding gifts are pottery and other handmade crafts, which cannot be purchased from a registry. It’s also nice to give a family heirloom or something more personal.
- I still might very well decide to give them a place setting of something they’ve chosen, or whatever, but as a sport PSAWSWLD [J.D.’s note: Yeah, I had to click that link, too.], I could probably find it cheaper elsewhere online, and/or perhaps using Amazon Prime’s free shipping, thereby giving them a more valuable gift.
- I am often turned off by the actual items chosen since they are way pricier and extravagant than anything I have ever owned. (And I’ve lived a perfectly abundant life!) I like to feel simpatico with the gift I’m giving, since it’s an expression of my values.
- I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived, since brides and grooms (or bride + bride and groom + groom) are often really terrible about writing thank-yous. My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry — the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple. They haven’t added return receipts for the giver, so far as I know, so if you never receive an acknowledgment, you don’t know if it’s just another inconsiderate bride and groom screwing up, or if your gift didn’t arrive, and they think you are a creep.
- The old-fashioned side of me feels uncomfortable with the couple knowing precisely, down to the dime, what I spent on their gift. It feels so calculated. I mean, why don’t they just send a bill?!
Other Options
A few brides and grooms I know have worked to transcend the tax-assessment feel of store registries. While they feel obliged to include conventional stores on their wedding sites (because that’s what lots of their guests do prefer), they expand their suggestions, including favorite charities and causes. One couple said they would love gift certificates to local bookstores and garden shops and described their garden, giving their guests a sense of their values and passions. A few years ago we gave a giant composter to this couple, since they had included it on a wishlist, and it really spoke to me; I totally enjoyed sending it to them. The fancy china comes out maybe once a year, but that composter is used every day!
Another way some couples counteract the gimmes is to ask for non-material gifts. Recently all the invitees to a wedding we attended were asked by the bride’s friend to submit a favorite recipe, which they made into a cookbook for the bride and groom. Another woman I know did something similar for her future daughter-in-law, collecting recipes from all the immediate family, including copies of recipes written by grandmothers no longer alive. (She made copies for all the contributors, and I’m sure they are treasured!)
A nice custom in the Jewish community is to send close friends and family fabric squares to decorate, which are then sent back and stitched together to create the wedding canopy. None of these touches are instead of a material gift, but they serve to make guests feel like they are more than ATMs.
Some couples create an online donation registry in lieu of gifts, but the site notifies the couple of the amount of each contribution, something which makes some people (like me, for example!) uncomfortable. I recently received a link to New American Dream’s registry where the celebrants (brides and grooms, new parents, etc) can set up a registry asking for whatever they like, mixing purchased and guest-created items. Their sample asks for recipes, food for potluck weddings, advice, and fair-traded household things. Very nice idea for a small, simple event, but for a conventional, fancy wedding, I think it would freak people out. (It would be a nice additional alternative to a conventional registry, though; a couple could do both, and explain their thinking on their wedding website, the new de rigeur system for communicating wedding plans.)
And what about the most obvious wedding gift? Cold cash, of course. It’s nice to receive, but I can tell you, 33 years later, it’s the beautiful, thoughtful items which I enjoy, the cash long ago having been plowed into aggregate savings. Many of the brides and grooms I know are mature and earn more than I do, so in those cases money feels like a weird gift. (If the couple is a pair of starving students, money is still a great idea, perhaps along with a smaller material item.)
Let’s hear what you all think about wedding registries, pro or con, and from both givers and receivers’ points of view. Are they a necessary evil, a godsend, or something in between?
Teutsch previously told GRS readers about the pros and cons of working at home and discussed how to get a grip on consumerism.
Become A Money Boss And Join 15,000 Others
Subscribe to the GRS Insider (FREE) and we’ll give you a copy of the Money Boss Manifesto (also FREE)
There are 151 comments to "Wedding registries: A love-hate relationship".
Yeah, 13 years later it’s the items I didn’t register for and couldn’t find a return place and cannot sell that I still resent. The gift and the giver. The modern registry system exists because the whole thing is broken. Just give money or otherwise, by all means, buy what they’re asking for. I’m forced as I move to give away stuff that people spent good money on, intending me to have. I don’t think that was productive.
Don’t assume you know what they need. I got married whilst in college and people bought us the dumbest, most impractical things from all sorts of gift shops. Unfortuantely, we got married just before the wave of modern registering ease.
And a lot of the presents, let’s face it, weren’t given out of love. Most people gift for things like weddings because they feel like they have to. I know the love gifts. I remember them. The rest is of little consequence to me. I would’ve been happier had I just gotten gifts from my closest friends and family, or generous others who did so from good intention
“I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer.”
I find this comment ridiculous AND arrogant – why would someone know what I need in my life just because they are older? Give me a break! That would explain why the older people in my life give me presents at Christmas that I have no use for…
I’m a big fan of the wedding registry both as a guest and a recent bride (10/06).
As a guest, many times I don’t know the bride or the groom well enough to pick out a personal gift so I’m happy to give them something they want or need.
As a bride, I loved the wedding registry because Pottery Barn kept track of who gave me what on its handy thank you list tool. Folks who sent me a gift got an e-mail from Pottery Barn letting them know their gift arrived so they didn’t worry. We got married out of town and left for our honey moon instead of returning home. As a result, managing those gifts that were brought to the wedding was a chore.
We also posted links to our favorite charities on our wedding web site and some people made donations instead of giving us gifts (which was wonderful and appreciated).
Cash was also appreciated as we used it on our honeymoon, checks were deposited before we left which was helpful to cover those last minute wedding bills.
Some guests gave us gifts not on our registry that were also wonderful and appreciated.
Some guests just came to our wedding – which was the best gift anyone could give us.
Great list! A few of your “cons” can be worked around, though. You can always go to a registry store in person and pick up your gift yourself (to wrap and give to the bride and groom later).
I tend to buy a small item from the registry, then personalize the gift by adding some extra related items. For example, if the couple registered for a decanter, add a few bottles of a wine that you know they like and a gift certificate to a cheese shop. If they registered for a casserole dish, include a few of your favorite recipes in a hand-bound book.
I don’t think it’s arrogant for a couple to feel like they know their own tastes and needs in putting together a registry, though. Each situation is different, and they are giving you some insight into where they feel their life is headed. Many couples live together before marriage and might already have some of the “starter” items that others think are crucial. I think it’s important to remember that the gift should be something the couple will appreciate and value, not a lesson in what you think they need.
I’ve established by looking through the various registries of friends getting married, that most of them don’t quite share my tastes. This means that I’m more cautious than ever of getting something off-registry – I wouldn’t want them to inflict their dubious tastes on me, so why should I do the reverse.
I personally dislike giving money, so I prefer to buy from the registry, rather than write a cheque. I’m also wary of charity donations – I don’t really want to give to a charity that I don’t support, even if the bride/groom want me to.
Given that I will want to get the happy couple a gift (not money), registries are a godsend. Without, my standard gift is a bottle of champagne if appropriate, and gourmet chocolates if not.
Not so long ago people simply contacted the parents of the bride and groom and directly or in a nuanced way discovered what the engaged couple might like. The buyer then exercised creativity and discretion.
Shops like registries because they capture more sales. Many guests like them because it reduces the guesswork.
I personally find them impersonal and tacky, but be prepared for people to directly ask you where you are registered if you host a birthday gathering or any such event. The marketers have firmly established that celebrations and commercial transactions go hand in hand.
While I agree with a lot of what the guest poster says, I feel like I must be missing something. A lot of her “cons” for gift registeries have to do with ordering online (not being able to write a card, not knowing if the gift arrived, etc). Unless something has happened with gift registries in the last 6 months, don’t most stores allow you to come to the brick and mortar store and purchase items from the gift registry? This solves many of the author’s “cons” and allows those of us who love gift registries the benefit of using them.
Part of the problem is the bride & groom inviting people who don’t know them well enough to have any idea whatsoever what they might want. Sometimes that’s a result of family pressure to turn the event into a gift/money gathering or impress friends & distant relations. That calls for some way to learn what the B&G might need and/or want. When I’ve used a registry, I have it shipped to me and then wrap & take it with me. You’re right about the thank you cards–is it too much to ask to receive an acknowledgement? The nicest thank you note I received from a newly married couple (a friend) included a small photo of them on their wedding day.
When I got married 4 years ago, my husband and I had been living together for 4 years before in our own home so we had nearly everything a new couple needs. We couldn’t find anything to register for in the typical sense as we were fully stocked in the kitchen and most of the rest of the house. We had planned a honeymoon to Japan so we made an Amazon registry for guidebooks, luggage, a portable tripod and other travel necessities. We ended up with the entire set of luggage (which we love and has been so handy) plus had all the books and whatnot for not 1 but 2 trips to Japan now. The monetary gifts we got all went into an account we used for that first trip, and the memories we have are much better than any kitchen implement or knick-knack.
When my best friend got married several years ago, her mother in law gave her a set of casserole dishes that she bought from a traveling salesman the year her son was born. She said she just KNEW that she would hold onto them for her son’s bride. He was about 26 when they were married so you can imagine how lovely ’70s brown and orange those bad boys were. Original in the faded box, never opened. My friend really wished she would have gotten the modern dishes she had wanted from the registry instead. Now she has the guilt associated with these, she can’t get rid of them lest she hurt the mother-in-law’s feelings.
I’m glad we ended up with cherished memories and not ugly dishes.
I definitely agree with a lot of what the guest poster says. My wife and I did something a little different and “registered” for activities our honeymoon. This worked well because we were going to take a nice trip, and we had most of the traditional household items (and as my wife put on the site – “we prefer flight patterns to china patterns”.
There are websites that will set honeymoon registries up for you, but some charge as much as 9% of the gifted amount. I already had web hosting, and I am a little bit savvy, so I setup our own registry and made everything available through paypal. For everyone that gave us gifts, we made sure to attribute them to an activity or to a “memory”, and while we’re only about 2/3 of the way through thank-you cards (been married now for just over a month), we’re including a photo of us doing the activity, so hopefully it will not just seem like they gave us cash.
You’re description of the registry process is a lot different from what I’ve experienced on both ends of it (giver and receiver). I’ve never seen a registry system that forced you to send the gift directly to the recipient. For us, people bought things off the registry from the store, took it home and wrapped it and brought it to the wedding or shower. I don’t think its a bad idea for a couple to point their guests in the right direction. At the same time, we didn’t mind getting some things that weren’t on the registry. We also tried to register for items all across the price spectrum. As a buyer, I appreciated having a clue as to what the couple wanted or already had, so they don’t end up with 12 toasters and no silverware.
My sister is getting married and had pretty much these exact thoughts about gift registries, so she got me to create her own online gift registry, where she can make suggestions from ‘this specific thing’ for people who like a lot of direction through to ‘nice art’ for people who like making their own choices. Guests can also add their own items, and so on. It doesn’t have quite the same convenience as an online store registry (no ‘click to have this gift sent to the couple’, it’s just a list for them to look at and then come back and tick if they bought something off it so others know) but I think that the personalisation outweighs that.
I’m thinking along the same lines with Jennifer. My fiancee and I are getting married this October, but we’re on our second house and have been living together for almost four years now. Thus, registries for us will help, because we are already farther along the line. Our registries will let us choose gifts to fill in the gaps in our current setup, without suddenly having to deal with a lot of extra gifts that we may already have.
As previously mentioned, this can cause feelings of obligation and guilt, and nobody wants that after their wedding.
I have two examples where neither registries nor gifts were emphasized and where I think things will still work out nicely.
1) I’m attending a wedding this summer of a couple who are coming out of grad school. They do not know where they are going to live (which includes the city) and the bride is currently staying with her mother. If they had a registry, then it would send too many packages to the bride’s cramped apartment, and then add to their moving costs when they move to their new home. Thus, the bridge and groom had requested cold, hard cash or gift cards which they will use once they’ve moved. Makes sense to me
2) Another young couple, recently graduated from college, had lived their lives with one mission in mind: to help the poor. While they had registries online, they buried the links further down on the page and first touted three charity links. At the wedding reception, a card was placed on each table stating that the guests had provided something like 2 cows, 5 sheep, and 3 pigs for enterprising families in poor countries to support themselves. Of course, I’m sure that guests also picked up things on the registry, but the knowledge that this wedding also helped others added even more joy to the wedding – for those attending and those getting married.
What are the opinions on home downpayment registries (cash donations which the couple puts toward the downpayment on their home)? It seems like a great idea to me.
I just got married three weeks ago, and I struggled with registries. There are a lot of ways around the “cons” listed in the article.
1. You can have gifts shipped to you so you can include a card and wrap it as you choose. Many of my guests who shopped from the registry did this.
2. The choices aren’t prioritized, but the couple can always exchange it if, say, they really need a blender more than the lovely napkin rings you bought.
3. The options are overly directed and dictorial? I guess I didn’t feel I was dictating anything. We received gifts from the registry and not from the registry. Any gift is appreciated.
4. As far as being arrogant to think we know more about what we will need than our elders…I don’t presume to know everything, but I do know what I have in my household, and I do know what my partner and I could really use in our kitchen. If it isn’t going to get tons of use, we aren’t going to keep it.
5. The most special gift I received was an unexpected gift of a family heirloom. Again, no one if forcing oyu to buy from a registry.
6. If you can find something cheaper elsewhere, let the bride know that you purchased something for them from another store and you noticed it was on a registry. She can remove it, or if she receives two, she can take the other back. I received a mixer from a different store at my shower, and it wasn’t a problem.
7. If you are turned off by the items on the registry, think of a wonderful, personal gift for the couple. They can’t force you to buy from the registry.
8. EVERYONE SHOULD WRITE THEIR THANK-YOU NOTES. I know they don’t, but it is so horribly rude. If you don’t know if it was received, you can always ask. There are polite ways to do so without directly pointing out the rudeness of the couple. 9. If your preference is to bring a gift to the wedding, have it shipped to you or pick it up in the store and do so. We appreciated that some shipped it ahead of time because it was less work at the wedding, when everyone already has a million things to remember.
10. If you don’t want them to know what you spent, don’t buy from the registry.
Usually I buy something from a couple’s registry, plus something I pick out on my own. A couple of people did this for our wedding, and I got some cute things I wouldn’t have put on a registry.
Also, I like to buy from them because I don’t want to spend money on something they might donate to Goodwill in a week. I hate clutter, and sadly, that where some of the gifts ended up. If there wasn’t a gift recipt and we already had a toaster oven, out it went. I have no storage room. But the king gift-giver STILL GOT A THANK YOU NOTE!!! (That’s one of my biggest pet peeves.)
I think this post accurately describes the worst aspects of modern wedding registries. Macy’s and theweddingchannel.com have done an excellent job of perverting the registry tradition to serve their own interests. For instance – couples are now “coached” to include 3x as many items on their registry as they have guests. (“To give them options!”)
But the quality of a gift registry is ultimately a reflection of the personalities involved. As long as the couple keeps in mind that it is for the convenience of the guests (who will, inevitably, want to buy them something, and hope that they cherish it forever) and not for the purpose of dictating their purchases, the wedding registry is still as effective as it ever was.
Argh. My computer had a glitch, and I didn’t get to edit my last comment before it posted.
Wanted to add that I personally am not a fan of the “fund” gifts, such as setting up a honeymoon fund, and requesting cash isn’t really kosher, even if it is practical. People will give you cash if that’s what they would like to do. We could have used cash more than anything else since we live in a small space and have little room, but every etiquette guide I read said that there is no polite way to do so. Registries are already a stretch to most authorities on etiquette, but you’ll get so many requests from guests about registry info that it’s easier to give in and register…but do it discreetly and let your immediate family get the word out.
The point is that you should never seem like you are expecting a gift. Maybe the rules are dated, but then look at how many people are annoyed when they don’t receive a thank-you note…social etiquette rules exist to let you know how to not end up being the offending party.
It’s nice hearing your views on wedding registries! With a friend of mine due to be married soon, he’s in the process now of setting something like this up. I’ll link him to your article and maybe he’ll put a bit more thought into it than just setting up an online ‘wishlist’ so to speak.
The comment about how years later, its the actual gifts you enjoy the most, rather than the cash, is a good point. I may have to rethink my own envelope giving!
I’m in the same boat as Adam and Jennifer. I’m getting married in Aug. My fiance and I have both been living on our own for several years and are already well equipped to handle every day life.
I feel the exact opposite from the way J.D. does about his third point. In my opinion the wedding gift system is far too formalized as it is. In the case of my fiance and I we have no need for numerous small kitchen gadgets yet we are forced to put them on our registry anyways in order to cater to those who have less to give.
We have neither the desire, the use, nor the space for fine china, but already I have had several relatives chastise me for not including it on the registry.
What we are in dire need of is new furniture, as what we have is leftovers from our college days that is essentially falling apart. Yet such an item is too expensive to expect one person to buy and etiquette dictates that we cannot ask for money to pool towards such a useful gift.
J.D. thinks it impolite for young couple to have the gall to think that they know what they need most for their own lives and their own lifestyles. I think it’s ridiculous that others think that they know what’s best for us just because they needed it.
Furthermore, J.D. of all people should realize that there is a time value to everything. If I need fine china 10 years from now, there is no need to purchase it for me now. I’m perfectly capable of buying it for myself if I need it.
As the saying goes, it’s the thought that counts. But more often than not, it feels like the thought behind these gifts is not a genuine desire to give the couple something they will want or need, but rather simple nostalgia for what the gift giver wanted at their own wedding so many years ago.
Note: This is a guest post. Though I’m not a fan of gift registries, I can see their utility. In nearly every case, however, I am not allowed to choose wedding gifts. That responsibility falls to another member of the household. 🙂
I agree with other commenters that most of the problems listed are due to buying online rather than in person. It’s easier, but then you don’t get to walk in to the reception with a bag of dog food the couple registered for partly as a joke.
I sometimes think a Christmas gift registry would be good. My family– people who actually know me– are not good at picking out things I actually want. I think I’m too specific and too book-oriented. How could I expect a friend from college who sees me annually, if that, to know that I still miss dorm waffles and would love a waffle iron?
I’ve only attended one wedding and I found the whole ordeal to be rather unpleasant. If I can get away with it I won’t attend another unless it’s immediate family and I can’t possibly get out of it. The tackyness of the registry process is one small part of my general dislike of the whole wedding game.
I got married 2 years ago, and I felt the registry system was great to guide people on what types of gifts we could use. Many people did not buy off the registry, some items were great and useful, some were recently given to Goodwill, the last supper lace table cloth and the 24k carat gold plated crystal stemware I’m looking at you. I feel the best gift is cash, we paid for a good part of our wedding and it was nice to restore that savings after the fact. Plus it came in handy on the honeymoon.
My personal view of gift giving is to give the person what they want (or cash or nothing), not what you want them to have. Otherwise they might just be accumulating more junk they don’t use.
What is more wasteful than buying a gift a person never wanted?
This spoke volumes to me. I feel passionately about many of your points and am insulted by the people who talk about a gift as something they “resent”.Why would you invite someone to your wedding that you could ever resent regardless of what they brought – IT’S A GIFT!!! I guess that comes from people who invite people to their wedding they don’t love. To me that is the big down fall of weddings, people invite people to their wedding they don’t love and then they “resent” their gifts because after all the couple spent a million dollars on the party and expect gifts that they feel are worthwhile. When I married my husband he was a professional musician and knew thousands of people and so where do you draw the line? We decided that we would only invite people that we could say “I love you” to. So some aunts were invited and some not. Friends were only our truest of friends. We did not register. I think people who did not love us were relieved that they did not need to buy us a gift and attend an event all day and night because they “had to” and those that were there cared so much for us that wild horses couldn’t have stopped them from being there. We chose not to register because we wanted the gifts from the heart. We were somewhat “starving” at the time as my husband had been chasing this music career, spending more than what he earned in recording etc. but we cared more about people thinking about giving us a loving gift than furnishing our house. All our gifts were special, and we received money from some relatives who were not invited but had invited my parents to their children’s wedding and had received cash gifts. We received everything from a snuggle basket (beautiful basket full of warm blankets and comfy slippers and robes), to beach packages with a beach blanket and picnic plates etc to special towels that we still use 20 years later that an older and wiser relative knew about but “young me” would have registered for the pretty but poor quality ones. Anyway, my point was is that the people who came to our wedding loved us and put thought into our gifts, had we registered the creativity and love that went into the snuggle baskets and beach packs would never have happened. Those types of items fit Jeff and I to a tee. Yes, we got a tacky candy dish from his great grandma but it still sits in my china cabinet like a prize because when I see it I think of sweet precious Grandma T. I would not change my wedding, gifts or my husband for all the “best” gifts in the world.
I’m getting married in three weeks, and while my fiance and I are registered at a big box store we do appreciate the more thoughtful gifts off of the registry. We decided to register because, as adults with two households, we were pretty sure that no one would have guessed what our actual needs are. That we could have come this far in life without a full set of dishes between us, for example, or that his blender belongs to his roommate and mine is broken. I’m sure if we’d both had all of the things we needed then we would have preferred to go with a donation-type gift option instead.
We certainly don’t have the brain power to talk to each person individually who asks us what we want or need. The registry is an easy way to show them what our tastes and needs are, and hopefully there will be some people who decide to go with a more creative approach.
Now I guess I better get working on some more thank you notes!
I’m not a big fan of “obligatory giving” whatever the occasion….weddings, Christmas, etc. Don’t get me wrong; I love giving gifts, I just like it to be because I want to and not because a certain date on the calendar rolls around. That being said, I still participate–begrudgingly at times– in our cultural “traditions” regarding gifts, including using registries.
In ’96 when I got married, I didn’t want to register, but my future MIL told me that many of her friends (whom she had invited to our wedding) wanted to know where I was registered. I ended up having a registry at a big box store as well as a local gift store that had more personal, one-of-a-kind items. I hated registering, feeling very pretentious and snobbish as I did so.
I feel frustrated when I receive a bridal shower or wedding invitation and out falls 5 or 6 little mini-flyers from the various stores the couple is registered. THAT, to me, makes it feel like this is about material gain on the couple’s part. At least give me the benefit of the doubt that I’ll be smart enough to check with a few registries to find you. To send those enclosures is akin, in my mind, to requesting a certain dollar amount at the church door: tacky and inappropriate.
I think the mindset of a wedding —-and most major events like graduations and births—-these days is to “get stuff”. Just this weekend I saw my niece who is graduating from college in 2 weeks and getting married in August. Several times during the weekend she and her mother talked about getting invitations sent (to just about anyone they’ve ever met…) so people could make sure to send them stuff. Also mentioned was “making out like a bandit” from 2 major events happening so close together. I was planning to make her a quilt for a gift, but now I’ll just buy something cheap off her registry and call it good since apparently, my gift is more important that my presence.
This was a great post—-I related to most of it. Nice to know I’m no alone.
Something doesn’t add up here:
“Registries are nothing new, of course. We registered for gifts in 1973…”
Followed further down by:
“And what about the most obvious wedding gift? Cold cash, of course. It’s nice to receive, but I can tell you, 33 years later…”
Either two years have gone missing or I’m missing something here. I know my wife and I didn’t setup a wedding list until a few months before we got married.
Onto a serious point, having a wedding list prevented any duplication of presents from guests at our wedding. It may be that we didn’t have as much life experience then, but for me the two worst things that you can do when buying a gift are 1) Buying someone something they have no need for, and 2) Buying something which they’ve already got. Both create awkward situations, for both guest and recipient.
I go back and forth on whether or not registries are good things. I think it depends on the people and what’s on the registry. When I was just out of college, I loved it. My friends were like me – they didn’t have much of anything, so I was happy to buy them a nice set of wine glasses. They were registering for the basics, nothing extravagant. But now, as we get older, the items are getting bigger.
I have one friend who did the charity thing on her list, and it sort of feels forced, to be honest. That’s the route a few of us are taking, but I do feel uncomfortable about it.
I have another set of friends who are both grad students. They had a list, but I opted to write them a check. They’re broke, and if they want to use the money to buy something from their registry they didn’t get or go out to dinner or splurge on wine I don’t care. They can use the money.
My favorite were friends who did a big list at Target with all sorts of “party” items – board games and such – and they invite people over all the time to play the games. Inexpensive and fun.
I think I do have a love-hate relationship with them. People are going to buy gifts for couples who get married, so it makes sense to put together a list of things to buy. But on the other hand, when the list is filled with pricey items, things I can’t even imagine buying for myself, I feel a little pressured. And that’s when I just end up with cash or a giftcard.
I’m getting married in July and I had a really hard time with the gift registries. The Knot & the wedding channel both really stressed me out, saying that i HAD to register for at least 50 more gifts than guests. Even though we don’t have many possessions since we’re moving back to the states from overseas, we definitely don’t need that much stuff!
There are certain relatives & friends who have talents in particular areas (gardening, sewing & cooking). I’d like to ask them to use their talents for a home-made gift (maybe a starter set of seeds that are easy to grow & a list of instructions), but then that would be rude too.
One friend told me that my list was “low class” for registering at target. But the big department stores didn’t have the types of things we needed (trash can, tupperware & etc) or were so much more expensive that I felt silly asking for $300 pitchers…
Excuse me, I’ve worked myself up into a registry panic again.
I’m getting married in August, and while we’d prefer cash (we’re working on buying a home), we registered because some of the family would rather buy items.
1. As someone else said, how does someone who is two generations older know what we need? My fiancee and I have been living together for a year, and we have most of the standard things. What we want is a little bit different, and so we registered.
2. How do you avoid duplicates?
3. How does someone two generations older really know our style?
4. How does buying something yourself guarantee that you get a thank you note?
5. Why judge what people have on their registry? If the ice cream scoop is overpriced, buy something else. Maybe having one really nice thing than 10 cheap things means more to someone.
6. Do you really think anyone tallies up how much was spent on the gifts you gave, and then figured out the dollar amount of your love?
Why would you ever feel confined to the registry? Seems like a loss of your imagination. Seriously, if I had a better idea for someone than something on their registry, I’d buy it. Just because you feel confined by the registry doesn’t mean the rest of the world does.
One wedding I am attending this year has three registries; They live in an apartment, I don’t know where they are even planning on keeping the three sets of dishes and the kitchen aid mixer. I guess just like weddings, registries have gone over the top. I think they are a wonderful idea that has just been taken over by marketing.
I like to buy $20-$30 of the cheapest items on the registry, that way I show up to the wedding with a big box full of stuff. Sure it’s selfish to buy all the cheap stuff but it’s fun.
Registries are really only problematic in my mind when either the couple or the guests interpret the registry list as placing an order for gifts, and that nothing not on the list is acceptable.
I’ve probably bought gifts off registries 2/3 of the time I’ve bought wedding gifts. In most cases it’s not because I barely know the couple and don’t know what they’d like, either. It’s because of any combination of the following reasons:
* I don’t want to duplicate another gift (the stereotypical 7 toasters situation)
* I live on the other side of the country, and while I keep up well with what is going on in my friends’ lives, I haven’t had the opportunity to spend much time in their home
* I’d like to buy them something like a place setting of china or silverware — the reason to register for patterns for these isn’t just so the couple can pick something they like when they’ll be using it for decades to come, but so the place settings all match. (I think registering a china pattern was the original form of the wedding registry.)
Aside from the registry piece, I have to comment on this part:
“My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry – the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple. They haven’t added return receipts for the giver, so far as I know, so if you never receive an acknowledgment, you don’t know if it’s just another inconsiderate bride and groom screwing up, or if your gift didn’t arrive, and they think you are a creep.”
I strongly prefer to send gifts than to bring them to the wedding. It gives the couple more time to handle thank you notes, rather than dealing with one massive batch. I’ve also always felt the “gift table” at events looked a little tacky, though I know MMV greatly on that and that others think it is a nice symbol of sharing the celebration. Mostly, though, I remember from times as a bridesmaid trying in vain to keep the gift table in order, cards falling off, ink blurring as we lugged the gifts to my car in the rain, etc. I had the fun task as MOH in that last case of calling a few people on the guest list asking if they’d given X, because we had unidentified presents and wanted to make sure thank you notes went out. But I hated that as I was so worried I’d be calling a guest who hadn’t brought a present yet and sound like I was hitting them up for one. I’m still not sure we handled that the best way possible.
And please, please consider having the gift shipped to the couple’s home instead of bringing it to the wedding if the wedding is not in the town they live in. A good friend of mine got married in her hometown 3000 miles away from their residence, and while it was lovely to see the very nice gifts her friends and family brought to the wedding, it was an expensive PITA for us to repack all the fragile stuff for shipping (the couple being on their honeymoon when this all needed to take place).
I’m with commenter 23 (Mr. E). I have an extreme dislike for many modern wedding “traditions”.
When the gift-giving tradition started, couples were young and just moving out of their parents’ homes. These days, as other commenters have admitted to, many couples are older, have a household already, and are well-set in life.
This was the case for my husband and I. We got married last year and each owned a home already. We specifically stated on our invites that we did NOT WANT ANY GIFTS, just the joy of our guest’s presense. We did get many gifts of cash, which we sent thank-you’s for, but many others listened to our request and just showed up!
I think the expectation (it IS expected) of gifts is really annoying in today’s culture. I avoid attending weddings whenever I can!
I’m getting married in June. I’m a few weeks shy of twenty-eight. My fiance is thirty-four. He bought a house shortly before we got together.
I have most of the kitchen supplies I’d ever need. My parents bought me a kitchenaid mixer as a graduation present when I finished my MS. There are a few exceptions (like the microwave that’s technically our housemate’s), but, by and large we’ve each acquired things over the years.
I used a registry for two reasons. First of all, I didn’t want people to waste their money on things we couldn’t use. Secondly, I looked for places where we could upgrade. We each have had stuff that goes back to our poor college student days still. (Mostly linens, some dishes.) Dishes that aren’t quite a full set anymore (makes it difficult to have a dinner party), or, linens that were cheap when we got them & need replacing. I picked things out that I knew I’d love and use.
That said, I put our registries on our website (never in the invitation, though the website was with our directions). On that page, I encouraged people to be as creative as they wanted — the registries were there for people who wanted to get us something but wanted some direction. Our housemate is making most of the wine for the wedding. One of my friends is weaving me a shawl in case it gets cool that evening (we’re outside). A friend of my fiance’s will be our DJ. My aunt called to talk to me about some ideas she had for a shower gift because she wanted it to be more personal.
I think you can find a balance between the registries for people who aren’t as creative when it comes to gifts, and, giving people free reign to get you whatever they want to get you.
i’m with those who don’t quite understand the modern wedding — someone ends up spending often very large amounts of money to put it on, and then the gifts seem like one is “paying” for the dinner, drinks and entertainment.
For the 28 years dear Dan and I weren’t married (before I met him I had already vowed not to accept heterosexual privelege and so not to marry until everyone could get married) we often joked about what we didn’t have because we didn’t get to register. By the time we did get married, we didn’t do a “wedding,” just had a judge we know marry us privately and told people as we saw them. So, no gifts, but lots of good will. which worked for us.
# Saro Says:
There are certain relatives & friends who have talents in particular areas (gardening, sewing & cooking). I’d like to ask them to use their talents for a home-made gift (maybe a starter set of seeds that are easy to grow & a list of instructions), but then that would be rude too.
Excuse me, I’ve worked myself up into a registry panic again.
Saro — we registered at Macy*s and Target. Macy*s just did not have some basic things, and, we picked out a few decor items and tupperware from Target. I’d advise two registries — register somewhere you can get the stuff that will last you as well as Target. (That said, if you need everyday plates, nothing beats Corelle. They last forever… and I believe they’re carried by Target and NOT Macy*s because they’re not highbrow enough. Don’t let the prices fool you into thinking that JUST because it’s expensive, it will hold up better.)
However, we put together a wedding website. One of the pages covered Registries, and, we encouraged people to be creative and to talk to us if they had any questions. This can be as simple as a “Creative gifts like a box of your favorite recipes, or, a gardening starter kit would be very welcome” line.
Beyond that, spread the word to your family & bridesmaids. They have the ability to be more blunt about what you want and need.
Although my husband and I were 35 when we got married (and both of us had owned our own homes and lived on our own for years) both of us were still using hand me down flatwear, odds and ends cook wear (including some from the 50s that my grandmother gave me for my first apartment), etc.
Putting a registry together was a great way for us to receive complete sets so that when we host a dinner party we actually have enough forks for everyone. We had Mr. Sam’s family over for a dinner party recently and I got such a kick out of setting the table because I actually had enough forks to go around.
I think you need to do what works for you based on age, where you are in your life and the type of guests.
I had a dear friend come to my wedding (someone who I grew up with) and the best gift was that she came to our wedding.
Have to add that no mention of gifts belongs on an invitation, even if it’s to say that you don’t want any at all. I’m with Miss Manners on that one.
Also, as to this:
“I feel frustrated when I receive a bridal shower or wedding invitation and out falls 5 or 6 little mini-flyers from the various stores the couple is registered. THAT, to me, makes it feel like this is about material gain on the couple’s part.”
Brides do not send out their own shower invitations. The person hosting the shower handles that. I would not have wanted my registry put in the shower invites, but at both showers (one thrown by coworkers, another thrown by bridesmaids), that is what they did. The bride shouldn’t have any hand in a shower thrown in her honor.
I think people should think for themselves when it comes to gift-giving and not feel like a registry means they HAVE to do anything. It’s really not a big deal if it’s done tastefully and if the couple behaves graciously when they receive all gifts given. People who are angry, frustrated, or get bad feelings from registries should relax, find something more important to worry about, and give whatever they want to give.
I didn’t read all the comments, but I have to go on being in the pro registry crowd from both a guest and attender.
I like that I know I am getting the person what they want or need (conversely, I am getting those things). I also like that I know that I am not getting something that someone else has already given.
Furthermore, I was kind of lost on the whole comments about not getting to give the gift in person where the author said “My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry – the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple.”. I don’t know about all registries, but that was far from true in the case of ours (Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Target). Someone could order the gift online and have it sent to us or they could just as easily go to the store, buy a gift, have it marked off the registry, and bring it to the wedding. I would say that most people who attended the wedding did that rather than having it shipped (though this led to some humorous occurrences when some other items in one person’s order that were not on our registry at all were marked as bought for the registry).
I don’t know exactly how we felt about people going “off registry” because this led to some cool and interesting gifts, but also to some really mediocre (though still appreciated) gifts. Therefore, I would constrain myself to the registry unless I was certain that I could come up with something great they would not have thought up. By the way, for those who want to hunt deals, by all means, go ahead and buy it somewhere else. Our registrants had great return policies for the items that were bought from the registry so they could return a copy for cash if they got one.
I will say that I think the following criticisms were valid and could be improved on by those who run registries:
* The choices are not prioritized. It would be a good idea if a registry offered a way to indicate this.
* I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived. Registries should send you some sort of delivery confirmation.
I agree with Becky and Melissa, originally the point of wedding gifts was to start a young couple usually moving out of their parents homes for the first time. Now with most couples living together, or at least living away from home it has become more about upgrading all their stuff to the most expensive version.
I used to work in a cook store and frequently had to trail a couple round helping with their registries and almost always they just began to list any random items they could find, after picking the upgrades of the items they already owned.
My husband and I eloped and then threw a casual party for our friends. We said “no gifts” but a few people broke the rule. My two favorites: a beautiful hand blown glass vase that the individual had for a long time and wanted to pass on to us (we still have it and is perfect for flowers from our garden), and a large pyrex bowl with snap on lid. We got it 15 years ago and we use it almost every day; for salads, as a mixing bowl, for refrigerating dough, you name it. I think we got alot of winner gifts because people were free to give what they thought was appropriate and was a reflection of their personality (and we have good taste in friends).
As a groom-to-be going through the registry and shower portion of the engagement, I’d like to address some of your complaints from the other side of the registry.
It’s impersonal – Go to the store, buy the item, attach card, bring to wedding. I’m curious as to what sort of registries you are dealing with (or what sort of area you live in) that you can’t go to the store in person.
The choices are not prioritized – Totally agree, the first store that offers a priority system wins my heart. I hate that I can’t tell my guests what I really want and what is a whim (or what someone told us we need to have on the registry).
The options are overly directed – Because I don’t want 35 corn-dog irons, I’m telling you what I would like and what others have already bought me. If you want to pass down your wisdom on kitchen gadgets, shoot me an email with some suggestions. I’ll be very happy to read your thoughts on melon-ballers.
I don’t like being limited to chain stores and/or mass produced items – Fair enough, buy me whatever unique item you want to. You don’t have to use my registry if you don’t want to. Just don’t expect it to sit in a place of honor in my house for the next decade (like my family does).
I still might very well decide to give them a place setting, but I could probably find it cheaper elsewhere – This is the cost of knowing exactly what a couple wants and if anyone else has already bought it for them. It gets passed to you and the store benefits from locking us in. That’s not fair, but it’s the way of the world. To avoid this, buy us that unique item you want to buy us.
I am often turned off by the actual items chosen since they are way pricier and extravagant than anything I have ever owned – This is a wishlist, some items are going to be expensive. Don’t forget this registry has to work for every guest, from my student friends to my oil-baron uncle. Okay, so I don’t really have an oil-baron in my family, but we are inviting some quite wealthy people.
I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived – Like I said, buy it at the store, bring it to the wedding and there is no question. Or go with that unique item.
I’m uncomfortable with the couple knowing what I spent on their gift – I already know how much a skillet costs. But yeah, it is a weird feeling knowing to the cent how much you love us (kidding!).
This post is on time with my frustration with the whole process right now. I registered 10 years ago for my wedding with more exuberance than brains. Now when I look at a young couples registry (one that DOES need everything) I cringe at how easily they pick things that look nice but have no value. (How hard is it to read the reviews on Amazon or Consumer Reports to find out that the pretty $100 Chrome toaster they’ve registered for is an expensive paperweight??) It insults me that if I get a better one that isn’t on the registry, it will be duplicated, and mine -the one they are not familiar with, would be the one to go back.
From the other side of it, I’m trying to put together a registry for my first baby and it’s been a long painful process since I’ve researched EVERYTHING so that I chose the best item/price/quality combo. I feel that I NEED a registry, because while my friends know me as I am, they have no clue about my parenting ideals – and they don’t fit into the standard Big Box Stores. It doesn’t help that I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl and I don’t want Green or Yellow as my “genderless” colors. It makes me cringe to think that my time researching this stuff may be wasted though. I’ll know when I get a 12 pack of bottles and a pack of pink onesies.
So, I’ve registered at an online registry where I can go to multiple stores, online sites and even just enter an item randomly that I need. That way my friends aren’t held to purchasing from a specific store (or purchasing it at all, if they just have one laying around that I can have) and it allows them to see what I hope to be as a parent with my choices, so maybe they will get to know me better.
I just wish there were more options out there for good online registries. With the way the internet is now, I can’t believe there are so few. 🙁
I think EVERYONE who has faced the idea of creating a registry in recent years has the same anxiety. To register, or not to register?
But this guest poster had nothing original to say on the topic. In fact I think she inspired MORE registry anxiety, rather than inspiring those of us who follow this blog to instill GRS values somehow into a registry, or into our gift-giving. She also doesn’t even seem to understand how registries work.
Look, If we’re already reading J.D.’s blog and we’re engaged, we’re all in the same boat: we don’t NEED anything, we’re trying not to be materialistic, and yet we’re faced with the dilemma of asking for LOTS of expensive things…
…. when what most of us could use is the cash.
So many of “alternative” wedding registries focus on non-material items (like cookbooks and quilts), as if those of us who don’t want $6 wine glasses and $40 can openers are also Amish and would prefer a barn-raising to a $50 Target giftcard or a check.
Like it or not, get engaged and you’re almost forced to register at a big-box, if not for yourself, as a courtesy to those guests who, no matter how you package it, will not UNDERSTAND your alternative registry or un-registered gift wishes. Even though you’re frugal and non-materialistic, once you get engaged you realize it’s almost easier to be a Bridezilla whose tastes entirely match the Crate&Barrel catalog than to have non-trad gift desires.
No matter how traditional or alternative your wedding or registry, the thing to remember is that you’re going to get stuff you don’t want, and not get stuff you do, and that’s just the way it goes. It’s less about designing the perfect list as it is about being at peace with the process and letting it play out.
I agree that wedding registries are very useful, particularly when one doesn’t know the bride & groom well. My husband and I are often invited to the weddings of out-of-state friends and cousins. We know the parents, but we don’t know the tastes of the bride and groom. A wedding registry helps us know that they need towels, for instance, but they’re good on stemware, or whatever; and I appreciate that.
What I dislike about the registry process, though, is how crass is seems. It implies that instead of an invitation to a celebration, we’re really being solicited to support their desired lifestyle. Honeymoon registries and down payment registries look even more greedy.
A bride and groom should be inviting people to share in the joy of their celebration, rather than expecting gifts. In essence, the bride and groom are GIVING the gift of a celebration to their guests. Sure, guests generally give gifts, but to EXPECT gifts perverts the point of the wedding. And to complain about the quality of the gift, or to fail to write thank you notes, makes the bad worse.
Like other posters, I disagree with the whole concept that you should list 50 extra items so that people have choices. To me, a 300-item registry looks greedy. If the young couple could use help setting up a new household, I’m glad to buy something off the list. But the lists I’ve seen lately include manicure sets, scrapbooking supplies — just stuff that’s not about a shared life together. I don’t like it.
I still buy the gifts, though.
For anyone keeping track at home, I have the love/hate relationship with registries. I think they are materialistic and tacky but also useful and efficient. I used JustGive’s charitable registry for my wedding, this allows you to select multiple charities so that you make sure you’re giving people options that they don’t object to (though how many charities do people really object to, I’ve always wondered, given that most of them do things like helping the poor, feeding the hungry, healing the sick?)
Finally for those who want the registry to be prioritized, Amazon offers an option where you can put “really want” or “sort of want” and things like that next to each item (though you have to wonder about people who are putting lots of items they don’t really want on their list). Which is nice, plus they have just about everything in the world.
My final comment is for people saying “I hate registries, but I made one because my relatives/friends pressured me into it”. Don’t do ANY stuff for your wedding (inviting people, making registries, or anything else) because someone pressured you into it. I hate seeing people stress over something that’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable. When people said to me “why don’t you have a registry? You really ought to have one” I said – “because receiving lots of unnecessary gifts doesn’t make me happy. Donations to charity make me happy, and people attending to my wedding without feeling like they have to pay for it makes me happy. If you want to give something, give a donation, otherwise, your presence is my present. This is my party that I’m sharing with you. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy it, not worry about what I should or shouldn’t do with it.”
I am not married, but I’ve attended numerous weddings of friends and/or relatives. I like the idea of registries – that a couple can put down things they like. I tend to look at them more as a guideline. Sometimes I buy off of them, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I buy a better quality item than they asked for.
As far as listing items on a registry, if you don’t want china, don’t register for it! No one is forcing you to register for it.
A friend of mine registered at Macy’s and Crate & Barrel and very few items were under $50. Her tastes were way more than I was willing to spend. My suggestion is to put a variety of prices down so guests have options based on what they want to spend. As a result, I didn’t buy something from her registry.
If I ever get married, the first place I will register is a home improvement store like Home Depot. Why? I own my own townhouse and have had to buy a lot of kitchen items myself so my kitchen is well-stocked. I got my grandmother’s china so I don’t need that either. What I don’t have is tools – shovels, garden hose, sprinkler, etc.
My suggestion for couples is to think outside the box and think of activities you like to do together. If you like camping, register for camping supplies! What about lawn chairs? Grilling accessories? It doesn’t have to be all kitchen-related items. Board games are great, too. I’ve seen a lot of people register for movies, but I’m too practical to ever buy a movie for a wedding present.
I am not fond of giving activities to do during the honeymoon. A friend of mine registered for those and I thought it was too impersonal. I like to add my own touch to a gift and have something they can open and enjoy.
We had a small wedding (60 invited guests) near our families, so about 2000 miles away from where we lived. We had been living together 8 months by the time we got married, and we had each been living on our own for several years. It was DH’s second marriage, so we didn’t need much in the way of household goods. We’re not into sets of things.
So, we didn’t register anywhere. Most people gave us money or unique decorative objects that we still treasure. We spent the money on our honeymoon.
I don’t object to registries, although when I know the couple is broke, it seems silly to buy them a few pieces of china. I tend to go for the most practical stuff on the list — usually towels and bedding.
I give resturant gift certificates. I don’t always get a thank you note, but every couple has thanked me for that night they didn’t have to cook after a day of doing this or that. What I spend depends on how well I know the couple. I almost aways get the gift certificates from restuants.com. The couples who are not fimilar with it also thank me for letting them know about a way to save money eating out. In fact, this is my main gift for most events these days, including up coming graduations. College kids like to be able to eat out and often don’t have the money.
i am very confused. what do you mean, you can not bring a gift from a registry with you??
Maybe it’s the Utah culture, but here registries are suggestions only, and you usually bring the gift to the reception.
Another couple pros about registries though:
If you want to get the couple a silverware (or china, or whatever) set, you can find out the pattern and make sure they don’t end up with several disparate sets. You can usually also see what other people have bought.
The two most useless but kind of funny gifts we got for our wedding (4 years ago):
1) A silver engraved cake cutting knife from tiffanys — still in the box
2) Fancy silver ice tongs
I personally think that registries are great.
1) I almost never know what to get as a gift, and the registry tells me exactly what they want.
2) It’s not mandatory to buy off the registry. You always have the option to give cash or your own gift.
3) Many stores offer a registry completion discount (10% off anything left on your registry).
As a relatively recent bride, and a guest at numerous weddings, I strongly support using the registry for several reasons:
1. You can ship the gifts. At my wedding, we received several large gifts, which then meant recruiting people to help us drive them back to our apartment. Imagine what would have happened if we’d gotten married 2-3 hours away from where we lived? Shipping the gift makes it easier on the couple, who are exhausted and have other things on their minds the morning after the wedding.
If you buy online, you know exactly when it was delivered, because the store emails you the shipping info and tracking number. It’s really not that hard to track it online.
2. Less duplication/hassle for the couple. We already had a set of pots and pans, but there were one or two others we needed. If we hadn’t registered for the ones we wanted, we would have had to deal with exchanging/returning stuff we didn’t need. Buying from the list avoids this.
3. Fewer useless gifts. We registered for the glasses we liked. We didn’t want either of the two multi-glass sets we received. One of them didn’t even include a receipt, which forced us to track down the store where it had been purchased in order to return it. The store wasn’t in our area, and the gift turned out to have been marked down 50% the day before. We also received items that were clearly pulled out of the closet.
If you don’t want to deal with shipping, and don’t want to stick to the registry because you feel you know better, please give cash or a gift card. Don’t inflict your issues on the couple.
Maybe they’d send thank you notes faster if they weren’t figuring out what to do with the stuff they didn’t ask for.
I have a lot of weddings coming up, and I’m using the method I watched my parents use when I was growing up:
Start with the registry. Figure out your price range (take tax and shipping into account). See what’s on there that fits.
Watch for sales at that store (see: Target). Watch for coupons (see: Bed Bath and Beyond). Check other stores.
And see what goes with what. One couple registered for the Mickey Mouse kitchen line at Macys — my parents got them a Mickey Mouse teapot from Pennys that they loved. My cousin got a beautiful set of candlesticks that complimented the china she’s picked out. Another cousin was doing her kitchen in red and black, so I got her a huge box of red and black kitchen towels.
The registry is a starting place, not an ending place. I just make sure I always include a gift receipt, just in case (my parents don’t).
Just a note on etiquette — it is considered bad manners to bring a gift TO the wedding/reception. Gifts should be sent prior to or after the wedding. Registries are helpful in this regard, since the shipping can be taken care of (and the place the gifts are going may not be the same as the return address on the wedding invitation).
Can I second this? At my wedding, many people brought gifts to the reception. My parents and sister had to carry them all to the cars and unload them at my parents’ house. Unfortunately, a lot of the cards were separated from the gifts.
At last one occasion to actually get presents I need and like, even from the tasteless old aunt, and I should give it up? 🙂
Another option: if you don’t need any more kitchenware, forniture and such (my situation since bf and I already live together and have everything we need) let your guests pay your honeymoon at the travel agency.
This post made me think of the I Do Foundation (http://www.idofoundation.org/), which helps people set up registries that will make charitable contributions as well. That might help alleviate some of the cons. (Full disclosure: This is run in part by a friend of mine, though I am not involved.)
Seconding Cara (#53). DO NOT BRING A GIFT TO THE WEDDING! Send it or drop it off before or even after.
Remember, the bride and groom may very well have bags packed for the honeymoon and be planning to catch a plane/train/boat/whatever after the reception. Who is going to manage your package? (If they’ve hired a wedding consultant, the consultant probably will. But if not, who?)
We had a small wedding (<30 people), did NOT register, told everyone who asked that gifts were NOT necessary, honeymooned at the hotel where we had the reception, and we STILL had to recruit friends to take gifts home for us because *we didn’t have room for all the packages in our car!*
It sounds like the author has more of a problem with rude brides and grooms than with the registry process itself.
It was a strange paradox as a bride (2 years ago) – I didn’t expect any gifts from my guests, but I was expecting gifts. I mean, these people have been giving me gifts all my life for all kinds of occasions, and some of my family members are very traditional types that wouldn’t show up at a wedding without gift in hand. Hence, the registry was created. There were some fancy things like crystal for the traditional types, there was kitchen upgrades to replace our old mismatched college stuff, and there were even some fun things that reflected our hobbies. I didn’t tell anyone about it that didn’t ask me first, and I didn’t mention it in the invitation (though my MOH did mention it in the shower invitation). Not mentioning it in the invitation meant that we received lots of cash, and some very fun gifts from our friends that did not know our parents, so they went off-registry and we ended up with some very unique and fun items like a Dali clock, gourmet coffee, and a handle of Crown Royal (yay!).
Plenty of my guests didn’t bring gifts, but I was SO glad to have them there. When I think about what one couple went through to make it (travel 1000 miles and find sitters for their 3 kids), I feel very blessed.
And I did listen to my elders about the things I would “need” – my mom said she never used her food processor, but they were all the rage when she got married in the ’70s, so I didn’t register for one. We got one eventually on our own and we love it and use it all the time, so there goes that argument.
I think the problem that the poster is having with registries is that she’s assuming a lot about what registering couples are thinking and will want (and might want someday in the distant future). We registered for gifts at the request of many, many friends and family members, but it didn’t matter whether we got a gift from the registry, a gift that the giver dreamed up, or no gift. Whatever.
We made some poor decisions (who could have guessed we would move overseas?), some givers made some terrible choices (the cheap knives with hot pink handles come to mind), and some of our friends in graduate school shared their company and nothing more. From our perspective, no gifts was the best outcome; people who know us know that we are minimalists. Unfortunately, this was a very difficult message to communicate to anyone over the age of about 50, who assumed that they knew what we wanted better than we ever could and that despite the passage of time, our lives would look a lot like theirs; namely, that we would immediately buy a house with lots of room to store decorative gee gaws and start having kids. They were wrong, but we love them anyway.
All that said, even though we got married locally, we were incredibly grateful when people mailed gifts to us instead of bringing them to the wedding. We ended up with far more boxes than would fit in our car, and were desperately conscripting people to bring gifts back with them until the end of the reception. It was not fun.
I view registries as an attempt by the wedding couple to be thoughtful; an effort to make things easier for people who want to give a gift but don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about it or to go to a store. That’s certainly how we thought of ours. But if someone had wanted to perceive us as gift-grubbing greedy yuppies, I suppose our having a registry could have been perceived that way. I encourage everyone who feels that way to skip the wedding; everyone will be happier in the end.
I hate to hear gift givers and recipients so at odds with each other. I registered at three places that might be convenient to different friends and family members, but I hope that none of those who chose to buy us gifts off the registry resented giving the gift.
We did feel like registering was best in our situation. My mother keeps in touch well with hundreds of dear friends and extended family from other states, all of whom she wanted to honor with an invitation — there was absolutely no intent to show off or gift-grub; she just loves these friends and wanted to share our special day with them. With that many people, you really need something to help your guests to coordinate, so you don’t get the dreaded 18 toasters. Also, even though these friends know my mom very well, they didn’t know us as well, so those who wanted to would have had no idea what to send. A registry gave them ideas.
My husband and I love to cook, but had absolutely no cookware (we had four plates each, and that was about it). Telling our friends what cookware pieces we wanted, and especially having the ability to ask for pieces that didn’t have a nonstick coating (we’ve chosen to avoid Teflon for health reasons) means that we really do use everything we were given. We did lots of research and asked for individual pieces rather than sets, so I believe we will be enjoying these things 20 years from now and thinking of the generous friends who sent them.
I appreciated that I could change the mailing address for gifts a month before the wedding without bothering our guests — I moved several states away to start setting up house, and it was nice not to have to worry about moving gifts after the moving truck had left!
We did receive several lovely gifts that were not on the registry. These will be cherished no less than — and in certain cases, even more than — the ones we asked for specifically.
A wedding is not a time for bitterness and judging; it’s a time for celebrating. Give what you’re inspired to give (if anything), and receive what you’re given graciously (thank you cards are not optional!), but don’t bring a resentful attitude, whether you’re a bride or a guest.
Wow, just wow.
I think the attitude of the article is a bit over the top. I’m a groom-to-be (26 days!) and have been told over and over a couple things about the registry.
First, instead of being impersonal by buying online and shipping it wherever, go to the store, buy the item wrap it yourself and bring it to the wedding with a card if you like.
Second, everyone knows that we are novices on the homemaking front, but we are more experienced than couples of yesteryear because more and more of us live out on our own a lot longer than they did.
Third, I fully expect to get homemade items and stuff not our our list from people. The list is for that person that never knows what to buy. Also, it’s good to note that anything not purchased from your registry can later be bought by the B&G at a discount at many stores.
Lastly, if you want to know the gift arrived, bring it yourself or ship with a signature required (upgraded shipping from the store site).
There’s a site called Alternative Gift Registry that allows people to register for personal, handmade gifts and contributions as well as store-bought goods. I don’t know anyone who’s tried it, but it seems like a stellar idea.
Greetings from Baghdad, Iraq! My fiance & I are over here together, and have been for the past 14 months. We are getting married in August, and have planned almost everything over email and the internet. Like some of the posters here, we have registered for a honeymoon. Why? We’ve been together almost 6 years, we have all the casserole dishes we need, and we want to visit a nice place that doesn’t blow up all of the time! ha! Courtesy of our friends and family, who want us to be safe – it’s the nicest wedding gift I can think of. Best wishes to all…
Our real gift will be to simply have guests; the wedding is going to be here in Los Angeles, but our families and friends are scattered across the country (and some around the world).
But we’ll probably have 2 registries: one for a down payment on a house, and the other for stuff. The Target registry (or Pottery Barn, or whatever — we don’t know yet) is mainly family members who are going to want to buy us a new toaster or something, though we have a lot of the basics from living together for years. We may as well get the toaster we want (and only one of them).
Wow, JD, I’m surprised this guest post made it onto your site. In addition to all of the “con” accusations being patently false, the implication of the article is rife with bad financial advise. Ignoring the requests of the couple only to give something they don’t want is simply wasteful spending.
Let’s say I’m getting married, and I put a toaster on my registry because I like toast and would like the ability to make it for myself. When Betsy sees this on my list, she determines that I’m being “arrogant” to think that I want a toaster. Based on her “generation or two” of experience, she decides to get me something else. Since she knows what’s best for me, and her “favorite wedding gifts are pottery and other handmade crafts,” she makes me a handmade pot. Unfortunately I have no use for a handmade pot and it just sits in my closet or I give it away sometime. Meanwhile I have to purchase my own toaster to make my toast. So Betsy has incurred the cost to make the pot, and I have had to buy my own toaster. From a pure personal finance perspective, Betsy just buying me the toaster in the first place is much less wasteful.
On weddings in general, no one should feel the need to buy a gift. Your presence at the couple’s celebration is the real gift. However, if you want to give something to help the couple start their life together, I cannot fathom a reason to ignore what the couple wants and substitute something you like better. To me, that is really “arrogant.”
I find it interesting that your registry of china and silver was perfectly ok, but today’s brides and grooms are just bossy greedy hacks. China and silver are expensive, seldom used items like you said, yet you registered for them.
It is polite to make registries, and completely pointless to waste your time doing it unless you put what you actually need or want on them. Brides and grooms understand that they won’t get everything they want and of course some people will think they know us better than we do and get us an ugly blender that we’ll be stuck with anyway. Those are just the breaks.
The charity thing really gets me. You must have some rich friends if you expect couples just starting out to be so well off they can ask people to give to charity. I love charities, but some couples, like me and my fiance need things and can only afford to donate time to charities at this point in our lives.
I’ve always written thank you notes, as do most people I know. Perhaps the problem is with the people you associate with.
Sabina (Comment #2) — well said…
The “personalized gift” situation happens mostly among close friends and family. My most treasured wedding gift was a quilt made by my best friend. Only she would have known our taste in decor well enough to make something so perfect for us. A registry is for guests who don’t know the couple extremely well–extended relatives, coworkers, and so on–and appreciate the guidance.
Another purpose not mentioned: sometimes couples register for items with no intention of anyone buying them, just to get the list completion discount to buy things themselves. This is common practice in my circle.
A few points and clarifications. I live far, far away from any of the stores where people register, and often the weddings are out of town. I just presumed that if the registry is online, the idea is to shop online, and that in itself makes the gift giving impersonal. If I lived near the store and could pick the gift up and drop it off at the bride/groom’s home, that would be so much nicer and more personal, but I can’t think of a single time when this has been the case.
Re: relative hostility to older people possibly knowing anything a young couple might need or enjoy in the future – tastes change, guys. Life style changes over the years. I would never have guessed I would enjoy some of the beautiful serving pieces that were “off registry” but I use them all the time. It’s true that such gifts are much more hit-and-miss, but it’s also true that some gift GIVERS like to put some of their heart and soul into at least some gifts.
Also, I am relieved to learn that the hugely long lists on big box registries are forced on people by the store system. I agree with the poster that says these endless lists (3 x the number of guests!) look really, really greedy.
Lastly – if a couple has a wedding website and puts out a message of appreciation for any gifts, and then says “if you’d like to check out our registry, here’s the link”, I’m fine with that. It just seems like a lot of recent couples were much more directed, simply including the link along with info about the time and place, so one got the impression the registry serves as guest marching orders, not one option among many.
Bottom line – I think the tone the couple sets around a registry is key.
As are thank you notes! Emailed notes are fine by me.
Wedding registries are great, i think, because it is a good way to keep the kitchen items coordinate, and to receive things you don’t already have (or need to replace). As someone who has received some of the most hideous things from relatives in the past, it seems practical to tell them what you like!
However, I find it EXTREMELY tacky to have the locations of the registries on the wedding invitations.
They turn the invitations into a begging opportunity, which cheapens the occasion.
I understand that you want people to be aware of where you are registered, a task that is difficult to do without some notice. To me, the best compromise is to set up a wedding website with information about the location of the wedding, maybe a cute story about the proposal, how the couple met, etc., and then a section with info on the registries/needs of the couple. Put the web address in with the invitations (either printed on the card, or on a separate card) and call it a day!
Wedding registries are meant for conveniences; as are things like directions to the reception, church, etc. As much as you want to help out your guests, you wouldn’t print out a list of nearby hotels for your guest, and include it with the invitations, so why would you include the registry info?
I agree with a lot of what has been written so far. To me the biggest thing is expectations. I often get the impression that I’m expected to buy something off the registry or that I have to give a gift “to cover the cost of the meal and the reception hall”. This has been repeated to me by others as giving a gift is not an option but a requirement. Which is why I dread weddings and getting an invite to me is like receiving a bill in the mail.
In Germany it’s customary to include a little rhyme or other lightly worded phrase with the wedding invitation that asks the guest to please give cash if they want to offer a gift. Usually it also states what the cash is going to be used for, eg honeymoon, downpayment on house, etc. It’s interesting to see how different those customs are and how what is absolutely normal for some people is the rudest thing imaginable for others.
I got married a month ago, so this is fresh in my mind. We got very few presents from our registries. We both had several household items before we got married, and we didn’t need duplicates of those. That’s why we set up a registry, (in 3 different places to get a good and different selection) to fill out what we didn’t have yet. After the wedding, we went out and bought everything we did not get from our registry. Most of the wedding gifts we received were not that useful, or we got so many duplicates that we can’t use any of them.
We are “starving students,” so the money gifts were very appreciated.
A registry is great. You can pick out what you want and not get duplicates, which is such a hassle that we have not dealt with them yet.
Those are my two cents.
We were told by all our families and friends that we had to register somewhere. We didn’t want tons of kitchen stuff since my husband and I had been living on our own and then with each other for nearly a decade.
So we registered with Amazon.com. It gives the people the option of buying things anonymously and sending a personalized note, plus we made sure it was clear to friends and family that the stuff on there was only recommendations of what we might like. We still got some kitchen stuff like a nice bowl and a couple serving trays, but it seems most people loved having the amazon guidelines via wishlist.
Also, as a young couple, the cold hard cash was really really appreciated. It’s allowed us to start our lives together completely financially stable with a good base of investments. The next wedding I attend, if they’re our age, I’m thinking I’ll do cash or a gift certificate. We really appreciated them, and I’d love to pass that on.
(By the way, my siblings didn’t give us anything for the wedding besides helping to set stuff up and take things down. And that was a great gift too because weddings are bloody crazy busy, even simple ones).
A pet peeve we have had so far is guests writing checks out to both of us, with my new married name. I don’t know what we would do if I was not changing my name. We have hundreds of dollars in checks waiting to be cashed because my name is not changed at the bank yet (and will not be for several more weeks). If you are going to do that, I’d recommend, “Groom OR Bride Last Name” instead of the “and”. That way, the groom can cash it.
I wince whenever I see someone say something contemptuous about a gift. I just find it incredibly tacky.
The purpose of giving gifts is not to obtain exactly what you want by the most efficient method. The purpose of giving gifts is to strengthen the connections between people. And while it happens that people give bad gifts out of passive-aggressive malice, a bad gift for any other reason is an act of kindness and affection, it is not something you are entitled to, and it should be received that way even if you really don’t want or need the thing.
I’m not against registries; I get that sometimes you invite your best friend from elementary school and her parents to the wedding, and she can’t be expected to have the faintest idea what to give you. But I AM against the idea that the people getting married are entitled to dictate what they’re going to get.
This is not a financial issue; this is a relationship issue. Relationships aren’t about efficiency.
Michelle (#79) – When I wrote a check to two friends for their wedding, I addressed it to Groom or Bride (using her maiden name). Another friend noticed me writing out the check that way and mocked me for implying that the wedding wouldn’t last and that one of them could run off with the money! But I knew from experience that it would make things so much easier on them.
I find it amusing that the writer of this piece doesn’t realize that registries have become a necessary evil because of gift givers like her.
The most successful gifts are those that will be used and loved by the receiver. It’s not about what you like (handmade pottery), but what the receiver would like (personally, I think handmade pottery is ugly). How hard is that to understand?
Also, to repeat what someone else has already said: ettiquette dictates that gifts should not be brought to a reception, but shipped ahead of time. This way no one has to lug the stuff around at or after the wedding.
Lastly, I appreciate the “experience” of my elders, but how does one determine that just because they’re older, they’re more qualified to decide whether or not I need a blender? Silly at best, condescending at worst.
I’m currently planning my own wedding, and I have to say that I really hate reading stuff like this. So judgemental about other people’s choices!
“Re: relative hostility to older people possibly knowing anything a young couple might need or enjoy in the future – tastes change, guys. Life style changes over the years. I would never have guessed I would enjoy some of the beautiful serving pieces that were “off registry” but I use them all the time. ”
This is the whole part of this discussion that’s really flooring me.
Look — I happen to think registries are a great thing in that it allows me to buy something I know the couple actually wants. I’d much rather do that, than take a stab in the dark. I do have a few issues with registries. (There are usually too few choices in my desired price range, which is $20-30 for just about anybody.) If there is no suitable option on their registry or no registry, my stock-in-trade gift is a nice silver frame.
However, I’m just not comfortable at all with the assertions that people who are older are somehow better able to predict what the couple are going to want, even though they don’t know it yet.
Sorry. Maybe that was true in a different time, given that the general life flow of a couple was that they would be setting up a home and moving much less frequently. And likely closer to the community (hence lifestyle lifecycle) of the older generations.
However, over the past few generations we’ve really broken down that model. People are simply living differently now.
Speaking for myself, I’m unmarried but I’m pushing 40. When I was young, part of my mother’s high school graduation present to me was 5 pieces of fine crystal serving dishes that she really scrimped to buy. She bought them for me as a symbol of the beautiful life she envisioned for me — one filled with a house, husband and throwing parties. It was very touching and for a long time I treasured that crystal.
Now, 28 years later, I’ve come to realize that this crystal is a problem. That lifestyle she envisioned has certainly never materialized — no house, no husband despite two different hopeful prospects that didn’t pan out, and no lavish, crystal-worthy entertaining. In fact, that style of entertaining really isn’t ME. I drag a piece of it out once every few years for some manufactured reason, and every time I do I resent the gift more.
And now that I’m working on emigrating to a different country, I have a really hard choice whether to drag the crystal along with me or hurt my mother by openly acknowledging that the crystal should go.
To me, my example is the same thing as buying wedding presents for a couple based on how you think their life will be based on your own experiences. You just can’t assume you know what lifestyles will be like anymore.
And given our cultural trends toward minimalistic, de-cluttered living and highly mobile lifestyles, it’s really dangerous to assume you know better than the couple themselves. I know speaking for myself, I’m just about at the point where I don’t even want Christmas or birthday presents introducing more stuff into my life. As it is, I’ve been coaching people to give consumable items like food and toiletries rather than stuff just so nobody has to deal with undesired clutter.
1. Registries are VERY helpful. As many said, the average guest doesn’t know what items are already owned by the couple. While the guest might be dying to give them a bundt pan or a set of candlesticks, the couple may already have a favorite candlestick and two bundt pans. Also, what you pick may clash with their decor and tastes. I am VERY wary of trying to discern someone’s taste unless I am close to them and am familiar with their tastes.
2. Couples should not expect gifts.
3. On our wedding webpage, which people LOVED, we said “many have been asking where we are registered, so we thought we’d list them here”.
4. I love knowing that what I’m getting them from their registry is something they will like and either need or want.
5. The failure to send thank you notes has nothing to do with registering or not registering. It’s the fault of the couple.
6. Proper etiquette recommends that guests send the gift and not take it to the wedding. I have adopted this for myself and choose to incur the cost of mailing a gift.
7. I have preferences, especially with cooking equipment, for brands and type. Cooking is a hobby for me, and I was grateful to be able to pick the brand, size, style, etc of kitchen equipment that I desired to use for hospitality and entertaining. There are items on which I read reviews and chose a brand for a particular reason. I’m not the only one like that.
8. I think couples should register for higher quality, long-lasting items. If they don’t receive them, that’s fine. They can put wedding money toward it. Those items will last a long time. I get a little frustrated when I see friends registering for cheap quality things when they could do much better. I think they’d feel guilty if they registered for more “expensive” things (ie $25 vs $12). I could be wrong though, they may truly like the items or are used to buying lower quality things and replacing them more often. This is just my opinion.
9. I agree that people can be greedy in their lists.
If it’s a shower invite, registry cards SHOULD be included! I mean, it’s a shower!
I know I am in the minority but I am happy to get wedding invitations with registry cards included (though I still would think it tacky if registry info was ON the invite itself). I do not often know the bride/groom’s parents to ask them, and don’t want to play telephone to do the ‘formal etiquette ask discreetly’ thing. Just tell me if you want gifts or not, and if so, from where.
Just because a registry is online doesn’t mean you have to order online – many stores will print out registry lists for you for the couple and you can buy from the store itself.
Oh and often, whatever is not bought from the registry by the wedding date can be bought by the bride/groom after the wedding, for a discount. BedBath&Beyond does this, for example. So even if we didn’t expect someone to pay $150 for something (again, for example), we’d include it on our registry to get 20% off of it afterward.
Im getting married in September and we are contemplating setting up an optional gift registry. We feel that some people might find it easier to shop for us if they know what we are looking for. But this is only optional.
Okay GRS readers, let’s make a pact: the next wedding gift we give a couple will be a one-hour session with a financial planner in their hometown. That’s something every couple can use, the information will (hopefully) be useful for years to come, and it might do more than any other gift in terms of making sure the marriage lasts! 🙂
It used to be that inviting folks to celebrate your big day with you was the gift of the happy couple to their friends. The gift of your presence made their celebration more meaningful to them.
It also used to be that the close friends and family(out of the goodness of their hearts) usually got together and ‘showered’ the newly married couple with gifts that would help them get started in their new life together. These gifts were usually practical, useful things that were related to setting up housekeeping together for the first time.
With prosperity and other societal changes, however, many couples tend to be financially better off than their parents generations were, often already owning all they need to set up housekeeping. For this reason, there has been a big shift in the types of gifts given.
Sadly, along with increasing prosperity has come a surge of greed and entitlement on the part of the soon-to-be-married couples. We’ve known couples in recent years that feel they deserve (and even expect) only gifts of their own choosing.
It’s just not as enjoyable ‘giving’ a gift to an over-indulged, spoiled child who whines, “That’s all?” after opening twenty gifts, or complains, “This wasn’t what I asked for!”…as it is to give something special to a person that you know will appreciate (if nothing else) the thought behind the gift, or acts as if you’ve inconvenienced them by giving them something they didn’t want. That really colors my opinion of a person, as it shows poor breeding and a total lack of tact and social graces.
These past few years, I’ve revamped my gift-giving. In selecting gifts for other people, I try to make the best possible selection for the person(s) I am giving the gift to. Is it something they will love? Is it something they truly need? Will it be a hassle if they wish to return it?
It’s nice to be able to consult a registry or ask a parent for ideas, but my rule of thumb is to give only useful, practical things, or to offer ‘services’ as their gift (photography (for a graduate’s senior pictures), videography (for weddings) or make a custom cake for the wedding, etc. always with GREAT success).
When in doubt, I just get a Gift Certificate to their favorite restaurant or store, or include a gift receipt attached to a purchased item for easy returnability.
Ultimately, I feel it should be left to the giver to give what they wish to give (doing their research to find something that would be useful and appreciated by the couple).
Gift recipients should always express their gratitude for the thoughtfulness of the gifts given them, even if they weren’t particularly thrilled with the gift they received. To do anything less shows a lack of tact and good breeding.
We eloped and avoided all of this.
My only real qualm about registries is that the gifts often seem to start at, say $100 and go up from there. That’s too much unless we’re blood relatives or buddies since the third grade.
Phew–looks like the writer touched a nerve with this one! For me, registries are 100 percent appropriate, since even though it feels really greedy to make one, it is a convenience for most guests.
But lay off the top-of-the-line Calvin Klein 105,000 thread count sheets, please. As a very general rule of thumb, if your parents don’t have something that nice, you probably shouldn’t be registering for it.
And how about some practical advice? Vet the return policies of wherever you register. For instance, Target is ridiculously strict and limiting in their returns, while Bed Bath & Beyond takes things with no receipts that don’t even come from their stores. Not trying to plug, just help–it helped us a lot.
Wow with so many problems in the world, I am amazed that this is really of such concern to so many people. Buy whatever you want. Who really cares? But consider – the couple put a lot of thought and effort into planning an event that everyone can cherish and enjoy. Is it really so hard to get over yourself and buy a gift they’ve already indicated they could use? Seriously, you aren’t as knowledgeable about other people’s tastes as you think you are (everyone else is just too polite to tell you otherwise). Suck it up and buy the gift off the registry, and show up at the wedding and smile.
As for not being sure whether the couple received the gift – hello, package tracking, anyone? What century is this writer from?
Here is how it was done in 1973. I grew up in a small city. Brides & grooms registered at one nice store. The store put out a place setting of your chosen patterns on a lovely table, with your wedding date. There was no list beyond your silverware/china/crystal; the store recommended things which matched it, and of course you could easily exchange things there. They delivered gifts to your home every few days, all wrapped beautifully. In those days, brides and grooms were much younger, so the gift givers were mostly the age of our parents, not much peer to peer.
Our peers gave us all kinds of funky gifts, none from a registry. One of my favorites was classical music albums, but of course no one forsaw that a generation later albums would be obsolete.
Now brides and grooms are generally much older, the registries are electronic and much less personal, and people are much more mobile. Peers are older as well, and more affluent. Registries are certainly efficient for transferring wealth from guest to bride/groom, no question about that.
It’s just that they don’t do much, as was pointed out, for nurturing relationships.
I’m getting married Saturday, and I only did the registry thing because people kept asking me where I was registered.
I agree that it seems greedy to basically say, “Here’s what you should get me, I don’t trust your judgment.” I would rather someone put some thought into the gift and get me something unique and special rather than just checking something off a register. Unfortunately, tons of people wanted to use a register so I succumbed to it.
And really, it’s not about the gift, I just want people to celebrate with us on our special day.
Please don’t make assumptions about the bride (and perceived greediness) when you find out she’s registered somewhere. For many of us, it was only because people kept requesting it and expecting it.
I’m surprised by the insistence of many of you that it is bad etiquette to bring the gift to the wedding rather than ship it. I’ve never heard of such a rule. Certainly if I am going to an out of town wedding, I ship the gift, but I’m not going to mail it to someone in town, nor should you necessarily expect someone to drop it by the house ahead of time. This expectation is part and parcel of the disturbing sentiment (at least to me!) of many who have commented on here, namely that gifts are often an unwanted inconvenience for the receiver that leads more to resentment than joy. How terrible that you might have more gifts than can fit into your car after the reception! How inconsiderate that people decided to give you gifts! My sarcasm here is only to underscore how thankless and ungrateful such a perspective sounds. Also, count me in the camp that thinks asking for cash is tacky unless you have a very practical reason for doing so (you’re moving abroad, etc). I agree with those of you who insist that gifts should be about relationships, and people want to give you actual things that you will use in the future and hopefully think of them. Cash is so impersonal compared to that.
Registries are smart. So much gets wasted these days. Why not at least have the gift have half a chance of being wanted. I think they should do registries for birthdays and all holidays where gifts are involved as well. You pick out 10 things you want, knowing you’ll only end up with three of them-then there’s still an element of surprise involved!
Lisa
Jane (#93)– not bringing gifts to the wedding is a very long-standing rule of etiquette. I’m not surprised you (and others) might not have heard of it but it was (and is) simply an act of courtesy. Particularly since many brides and grooms used to go directly from the reception to the honeymoon; the parents were the ones left to carry and store the gifts. I think there was also a sense (when this rule originated) that it was uncouth or garish to “show off” gifts at the event itself.
My first reaction was the same as the #2 comment from Sabina. I think its arrogant to assume you know more about what someone else wants/needs simply because you are older. And its not hostility towards the elderly to think so either.
Personally I think the general idea of a wedding registry is just fine. Its practical.
Jim
I’ve only used a gift registry once, as a guest, and I didn’t find it to be bad at all. I’m not sure why you say that the only choice is for the gift to be shipped – the 3 stores I used all had the option of shopping in store, online, or simply marking it as having been purchased. I bought in-store and brought it with me to the wedding (and it actually would have been nicer to just ship it – the wedding was out of state), and I enjoyed having a list of things I knew the couple would enjoy.
“It’s impersonal. No way to write a note to go with your gift, except electronically.”
What does that even mean? I always include a card with all of my wedding presents that are bought from the registry.
From my wedding, almost everything that wasn’t on the registry got returned because it either didn’t match (read: was ugly), or we got 5 of them. We don’t need 5 blenders. That is why registries exist.
I agree! When my husband and I got married last year, we didn’t do a wedding registry (mostly because we live in a one-bedroom condo and we don’t have much room for extra stuff). Some of the best gifts were not extravagantly priced (I think…). We received a picnic backpack which we love to bring during camping trips and road trips. We also received lots of thoughtful hand-made cards (we saved all of them, yes all!)
The one thing that I can’t stand when receiving wedding invitation is the registry card that comes with them. Etiquette wise, this is not to be included in the invitation (we vowed not to mention gifts at all prior to our wedding, answering only if people insist knowing what we want). I don’t like seeing people my age (20s) listing the extravagant, extremely pricey, and in my opinion unnecessary, items they put on wedding registries. I mean, is a $300 Kitchen Aid mixer from Bloomingdales really that much better than a $20 hand mixer from Target? If you bake everyday, that might be worth it but I personally don’t know anyone who does that much baking (unless of course, they own a bakery!)
Thank you for a much needed post 🙂
* Note: We come from Chinese families so tradition calls for red envelopes, which contains money. We were able to buy my husband a car with the cash (his dream, a Miata) as his old one broke down. The rest remains in a CD 🙂
I hate gift registries. It seems like there is never anything within my budget and/or if I do find something within my budget, it is out of stock or already given. So for my close friends, I illustrate a custom poem that I make for them and frame it. I make it personal for each couple and it is something nice they can hang on their wall. For people I’m not that close to, I just give them a gift card to whereever they are registered with a little note “Here’s a little something to finish off your registry”. No fuss, no muss. 🙂
Well, actually I’d french kiss a frog in order to have a $300 Kitchen Aid mixer rather than my $20 hand mixer from Target. It’s really a pretty elite tool. Alas, my budget doesn’t allow it.
Then again, I wouldn’t put it on a bridal registry because I’d be appalled to suggest somebody spend $300 on my gift.
One thing I am realizing reading these posts is that many weddings are much more multicultural these days, as people move around, and marry people from different places and ethnicities. Just because something is proper etiquette in one culture/community doesn’t mean that it’s so in another.
I still think a personal thank you is essential. (to the reader who asked me what century I’m from, the answer is the 20th. Checking a UPS package tracker to see that someone signed off on the gift I went to the trouble and expense to send is not a replacement for a personal thank you.)
But even that is culturally based. israelis don’t write thank you notes, for example.
We put a page on our wedding site essentially saying “First and foremost, we want you to come. If you’d like to give us a gift, we’ll appreciate anything. If you don’t know what to give us, here are some things we’d like.”
So some people bought us things from the registry (woot for matching lamps and a matching china set). And other people bought us lovely gifts like…actually, we received 3 different decorative dishes from Italy, Denmark, and Palestine. Or a hand-crocheted blanket (excellent quality). Or shares of a llama. Or just showing up.
On the giving end, I really appreciate them if I don’t know the bride and groom too well. In the last year I was so close to one bride that I made her wedding dress. And I knew so little about one that I gave her a lettuce cooler because it was on the registry and seemed useful for preserving produce.
Nice writeup.
My fiance and I have struggled with the concept of the registry this year as we plan our wedding for this August. Our primary problem is we live minimalist life and are leaving the country 6 months after the wedding to travel and work abroad for a few years. The last thing we want is to have a bunch of gifts to store as we will only be able to store some key items in my parents crawl space.
In all honesty, we would just prefer a cash gift if people feel like they would like give us a gift. However, when asked by an aunt about a gift registry I told her our concerns with it and I got a fairly negative response to the idea of cash gifts.
We aren’t sure what to do, as many people feel obligated to give a gift (although we dont’ feel anyone has give us a gift, we’re just glad they can come to the wedding. On one hand, the wedding is relatively small with close friends and family– people that know our life plan for the next 5 years. On the other hand, I know poeple don’t like giving cash or something you can place a numerical value on.
Wow, lots of emotion elicited here, on both sides of the fence.
One thing that my neighborhood has been doing for years with both bridal and baby showers, is the option of a group gift, coordinated by whoever is hosting the shower (usually a close friend of the family.) People can give however much money they feel comfortable with, and then the coordinator (who usually has coordinated with the bride and groom to find out what they really need) buys a large ticket item that they’ll really appreciate. For my baby shower, I was given a baby swing which was a high-price item for my neighborhood (and has saved my sanity on more than one occasion!)I wrote a thank-you note to everyone who participated letting them know how much I appreciated the gift, and the givers knew they had given me something that was really, truly needed and wanted.
Such emotion over such a simple thing- I agree that registries can be tacky or a blessing depending on the couple and how it is handled-
I have a list of items I prefer to give as wedding gifts and a price range I stay in- that said I use my BRAIN when choosing gifts
The most recent wedding I attended was for some friends from church. I am very close to them in some ways, in others, not so much. Wineglasses are something that’s on my personal gift list, but pilsners were on theirs. That’s a compromise I can work with.
And my cousin still thanks me for the target gift card when they got married a week before moving to a new town to start grad school- It turns out I bought them toilet paper and Comet at the new place.
As a hopefully last comment! We registered on Amazon.com, and they have a priority system. “nice to have, love to have” and something in between. They also had a spot for comments. It was great! But that’s the only one I have seen like that.
In case anyone is reading down this far…I like registries and plan to register when I get married. I agree with other posters who state that registries help us choose a gift for the couple that they need and want. Whenever I give a gift now, I give a gift receipt with it because I would not be offended if it was traded.
I have attended several occasions (baby showers, weddings, etc) where I’ve bought a gift off the registry and others when I bought a gift that was not on the registry.
I traveled out of state to attend a wedding of a friend. My finances were ‘tight’ at the time and I could not afford a gift from their registry (I couldn’t afford a full place setting and didn’t feel comfortable wrapping one plate 🙁 Anyway, I found a great gift at a ridiculous discount. It turns out the gift did not align with their taste but I was not prepared negative way it was received.
A few years later, I had an unsettling conversation with the bride. In our converstation, she mentioned her dissastifaction with gifts they received that were not on their registry. She also mentioned that the proper thing to do was to give a gift that was equal to the price per plate of the reception… ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! What was my response…nothing, I was speechless. It made me upset because I remember how LONG it took me to find a gift I was comfortable giving that I could afford and still be able to attend the wedding.
I understand that at times we may end up with gifts we don’t want or need but I don’t think we should ever be ungrateful for the time, money, and thought someone puts into giving us a gift.
This was really interesting to read…..someone had mentioned above that the frustration is really not about the registry per se, but rather the perceived greediness. I think I’m in that camp…..I dislike the entitlement mentality that does often seem to come with these big occasions–weddings, babies, etc….
AND I have to say, I’m seeing the benefit and practicality of a registry that I didn’t see before.
I actually did what libraripagan suggested (#37) and noted on the registry page of our website “creative gifts…). I’d already written a note about how gift are not expected. I feel much better about the situation.
Megan (81) That’s awful! But good for you on doing it that way. It makes it so much easier!
I couldn’t disagree more with this post. Money is the only gift worth giving. Odd for a personal finance blog to advocate buying useless crap. The average age couples marry is roughly 27 for men and 25 for women. You have plenty of crap by then, no need for others to buy any more for you. If they actually care how much you give, then you need new friends.
It’s also odd for a personal finance blog to advocate the whole Wedding Industrial Complex.
I am so happy to see this – I really don’t like registries either. The only thing tackier is ASKING FOR CASH. That’s just gross. You are inviting people to celebrate your new family – and now you are charging admission? YUCK. And if you use a registry, I am BEGGING you, don’t include the info in the invite. If people want to know, they will call the couple’s parents or bridal party and ask.
I will say, when my young cousins (23) get married, I am more than happy to buy off their registry – for them, it makes total sense.
When my friends over 30 (many of them making six-figure salaries) register for china, I am forced to ask…what the heck are you eating off of now? Do you really need a crystal fruit bowl? It is just gross over-consumption. BLECH.
I always give the most personal gift of all, cash. Seriously, it is what I needed most when I got married. I put together a card, some warm wishes, and a check.
I’m surprised to hear people comment on pricey items on a registry as being tacky. In my area, larger items are included in case a group wants to go in together on a joint gift. They don’t expect one single person to buy a $200 gadget.
If you’ll agree that Miss Manners is the authority on etiquette, then these are the rules:
1. Ship or drop off the gifts ahead of time. Why are you even going to the wedding if your wants and needs are more important than making the day after the wedding a little easier? It gives them time to write the thank-you notes early, and to ensure that they know who the gift is from. We had two gifts with no clue as to who gave them.
2. Do not EVER mention gifts in any form or fashion. Do not direct guests to give cash. Do not tell guests to not buy a gift. NOTHING. No matter what the motive, good or bad, there is no proper way to direct gift-giving. If you have a registry, make it a subtle part of a wedding site, or let your wedding party get the word out.
You can reason until the cows come home that cash is more practical. I would have preferred it, too, but I was more concerned with not offending the people who had come to celebrate our wedding, so that won out.
Most of the negatives don’t seem to be “anti-registry” so much as being strangely angered by the gall of a young couple having preferences, and the audacity to share those preferences with people who might wish to know.
A case in point is the quote, “I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer.” Truly? You find it arrogant that individuals know more about their own needs and desires than someone else who just happens to be older? A few paragraphs down, you then say “Many of the brides and grooms I know are mature and earn more than I do, so in those cases money feels like a weird gift.” Soo…they are mature, financially independent, and yet too young and selfish to decide what they would like in their own home? A guest who feels that they are able to choose a gift of value and wisdom off-registry should feel free to do so – but I think it’s very strange to fault the couple for sharing their own ideas with interested guests.
“Not an option with a registry – the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple.” Shipping or hand-delivering gifts before the wedding actually is the correct thing to do, etiquette-wise. Moreover, all online stores will give the sender feedback regarding tracking and shipping, so I’m confused as to the point here. Registries don’t really have anything to do with brides and grooms lacking the basic manners to write thank-you notes.
I understand that in some situations, and with some couples, the registry comes off as a “gimme” list. But registries can also be truly helpful guides to guests who are interested in choosing gifts the couple is sure to enjoy. I certainly don’t see what’s wrong with having it available for guests to use if they desire.
Call me crazy but It’s the bride and grooms wedding – Wherever they prefer I purchase them a gift from, that is where I’ll purchase a gift from. Its not about my comfort level or preferences but about what they want on that day. I have yet to attend any wedding where the bridge and groom didn’t have at least a few affordable options on their registry.
Also for those of you who haven’t planned a wedding, or who had a really low key wedding, just a reminder – If people have a traditional wedding, chances are they are paying somewhere between 50-100 dollars a head – so don’t forget to be generous.
@Cara (#96) – I actually investigated further the issue of whether or not it’s bad etiquette to bring a gift to a reception or drop it off ahead of time, and there appears to be regional differences. In certain areas (like where I live in the Midwest), gift tables are standard and entirely acceptable; elsewhere, not so much.
as someone who spent 20 months planning and saving the money to pay for my recent wedding, with 117 of our loved ones from 18 states, what seems lost to me in all of this is the poster’s gratitude for the couples, many of whom just want to put on a great celebration for all. we spent 85% of our budget on food/wine/rentals.
if your opinion of the couple is that they’re greedy, then your attendance at the wedding is pretty two-faced.
@Stacey(#121): I could not agree more. Our wedding is doubling as a family reunion of sorts. I don’t mind working an extra job for a year to pay for it, because in the end I know I’ll at least break even (and get a sweet toaster).
Look, I didn’t have this attitude until I had to plan my own wedding. Now I fully realize the cost. If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.”
Sure it’s crass, but current wedding etiquette dictates that we abide by this “even exchange” rule, yet remain polite enough to pretend it doesn’t exist.
@Jane
I am 39 years old and live in Oregon. I’ve been to many weddings in my life. All of them have had a gift table. I’ve never heard the “it’s bad etiquette to bring gifts” thing until this thread, which leads me to believe maybe it’s an East Coast thing…
Well, heck. I guess I had the ultimate frugal wedding- with no gifts. My wedding cost about 400 bucks. We had no gift registry and we received no gifts. Wait, maybe the in-laws sent some flowers or something. I like the trade-off.
I actually paid more to be in someone else’s wedding. The free drinks were nice but certainly didn’t offset my expenses- not that it should since it was my choice to be there. And yes I gave a gift off their registry. The item seems lame but was obviously something my buddy’s wife wanted. I don’t know what I was supposed to do with the gift, but I actually had it shipped to their house from the retailer. I received it there and left it.
I found this an interesting article, especially since I am newly engaged. I think there are pros and cons to the wedding registry system, though I think you have understated the pros and overstated the cons. I am wavering on the registry idea but I like your suggestions about how people can feel involved beyond ATMS, such as the fabric decoration or recipe collection.
I do think things have changed. When my friend got married about four years ago she was opposed to the idea of a wedding registry on principle – but she and her fiance got so much pressure from guests that they caved in and got one. I think if people are paying a reasonable sum of money on a gift they want to know that it will be appreciated and that they are not doubling up. It doesn’t mean people can’t buy off the registry or from other shops (though there’s a risk) and it certainly doesn’t mean that personal gifts such as pottery would not be appreciated.
I agree that most brides and grooms are bad at writing thank you letters and this is bad form. The answer is NOT to bring the gift to the wedding! It simply creates an added logistical burden on the wedding day and since the couple is likely to leave for the honeymoon immediately afterwards, it increases the likelihood that they won’t write a thank you note. The traditional thing to do is to send (or deliver) the gift before the wedding as this is when the bride and groom are focused on administration. There’s a reason for tradition – it makes it easier for everyone.
@Char, wow you actually invited some aunts and not others? That’s hardcore. I could never do that. And saying that it’s because you’re only inviting the aunts you love makes it even worse (actually I love all my aunts). Both my fiance and I have large families so this is going to blow our wedding guest numbers through the roof but c’est la vie.
@others, I can’t believe anyone would send a registry flyer with a wedding invitation. That’s unbelievably tacky! If I go down the registry route, I will probably just register a few things I really want and then let my mother and mother-in-law-to-be know so that they have the information when asked.
We are having the wedding in Australia where we are both from, and where the majority of our family and friends live. But we are currently living in the UK, so it might be handy to have a registry here. Any gifts in Australia will have to be shipped or stored for our return.
I don’t feel any sense of entitlement when it comes to gifts but I know people are going to give them.
All weddings have gift tables because brides know that people will still bring gifts to the wedding, and they’ll need to go somewhere. It’s not like you can send a memo telling guests that they need to ship their gift.
Any Emily Post or Miss Manners book will tell you to ship or drop off your gift for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with which coast you live on. It’s easier on the bride and groom, although one person who posted above thinks that shouldn’t be her concern.
I haven’t always done this because I didn’t know I should until pouring through etiquette
guides for my own wedding and then seeing my poor parents try to figure out how to arrange for enough cars to bring the bigger items home since my husband and I had left on the honeymoon. I also got thank-you notes out the door more quickly for gifts sent ahead.
@JD, the notion that you shouldn’t bring gifts to the wedding is not an ‘East Coast’ thing. It’s not even just a US thing – I’m Australian, I live in the UK, and I’ve been to two weddings in the US. (You have an international blog, doncha know?)
It’s actually what all the etiquette books tell you, though I agree it’s not always practised. Inevitably people _will_ bring gifts to the wedding, and I’ve done it myself on occasion. It’s just that it’s against official etiquette and there are practical reasons for discouraging the practice.
@ Katherine
“If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.””
I really don’t get this argument, either the couple likes me enough to spend $50-100 without expectation and therefore will be grateful for any gift. Or they only like me enough to exchange $50-100 of food and entertainment for $50-100 worth of shiny new household goods of their choosing.
At Chinese weddings, guests never bring gifts and are never expected to bring gifts. However they will bring a red envelope that contains cash to bless the new couple.
As for family members, the new bride and groom must offer a cup of tea to the in-laws one by one. If they welcome him/her, they will accept the tea and drink it and adorn him/her with gold jewelry gifts.
My boyfriend and I are in the process of getting engaged. We have a ton of debt we’re both going to be 30 and we can’t afford to have our own place or buy a house for a few years. We cannot get a townhouse for #300,000 where we live. I don’t want to register as we would appreciate cash gifts since we can’t afford the wedding in the first place. The cheapest wedding where we live is $25,000 I’ve looked into everything and that is the lowest amount we can spend..off season, doing everything ourselves etc. So, I don’t want gifts- we have both had our own places in the past so we don’t need anything. I always give cash because I understand how ridiculous it is to spend your downpayment on a wedding.
I was just married about a month ago and we purposefully did not register anywhere. I passed the word around that any gift we receive would be cherished, but that we are moving across the country, so are not looking to add a lot of items to the move. As well, we are hoping to be able to buy a house once we move, so any cash received would be put toward paying down debt and a down-payment savings fund. I looked and looked for a bank that can set up an account specifically for this purpose, where guests could deposit whatever amount they like and receive something from the bank (like a receipt) and the bride + groom would know how gave to send out thank yous. But no one seems to do that. I guess it was popular 20 or 30 years ago, but has gone out of style.
Also, my aunt and uncle believe that the size/value of the gift should match the wedding. I think this is a horrible idea. Why would you give an extravagant gift to a couple who spends $100,000 on a wedding, and obviously can afford those extravagances themselves, and skimp on someone who obviously tightened their belt just to spend $10,000 on a wedding. They obviously need the help more (esp. when you are talking about giving cash).
“Yeah, 13 years later it’s the items I didn’t register for and couldn’t find a return place and cannot sell that I still resent. The gift and the giver.”
I don’t mind gift registries, in fact, I appreciate a heads up on what a couple needs, likes and can use. What I can’t stand, and what has been pointed out already, is the sense of obligation to give a gift, the downright obnoxious and ungracious behavior of some brides and grooms when they receive gifts they feel are sub-par and the belief that GUESTS should foot the bill for a “dream wedding”, as illustrated by the following quote:
“If you get invited to someone’s wedding it means they like you enough to spend $50-100 feeding and entertaining you for an evening. The least you could do is buy them that Oxo Good Grips can opener. Better if you purchase a gift that’s comparably priced, especially if you’re inviting your “plus one.””
As a wedding guest, if I get the sense that a bride and groom are looking for me to pay for the “privilege” of attending their wedding, and I can not graciously decline the invite, I will purposely lowball their gift, picking a cheap registry item or giving a nominal amount well below the “suggested minimum donation” for those seeking cash gifts.
If you can’t afford to host a big wedding, can’t be gracious enough to accept whatever gifts you receive, then elope and forgo the 200 reception. Then you won’t be bothered with the “hassle” of unwanted gifts from guests obnoxious enough to gift what they believe is an affordable and appropriate token to honor your marriage.
I agree with this post — the registry system is fraught with problems and pitfalls. However! Shipping household items directly to the recipient is just practical (unless you’re bringing items to a shower).
It seems that trying to find something vaguely personal or personalizing a registry gift is the right way to go. Even if you don’t know the couple well, it’s not a stretch to assume if someone’s asking for wine glasses or baking equipment that they like to drink wine or bake food. Run with that knowledge.
And this seems mean, but I often decide how much I can spend on a gift based on how far I have to travel for the happy event and what other expenses are involved (i.e. specific dresses or hosting parties if you’re a bridesmaid, etc.) It feels terribe to say it, but you know what? You can’t buy love, or wrap it up in a box.
Hmm…I don’t think registries are perfect, but I don’t like the reasons given here.
It’s only impersonal if you send it direct. You can always bring it to the wedding. That’s what I and my friends all do for each other.
Again, wrapping and shipping are free in store. As far as choices are not prioritized, I don’t understand that. The registry is a help, a guide. You could have said you wish the list would be BETTER with priorities. But I, for one, prefer ANY list to no list at all, even if it is not prioritized.
When we mentioned our registry, we said “if you want to give a gift, and would like some suggestions, here are some possible choices” and listed our registries. The attitude expressed depends on the person and how the registry is presented. I don’t think you should automatically be annoyed at arrogance that may or may not be there.
Again, you don’t HAVE to use their registry. I don’t see why them putting a registry card in your invite gives you all these inhibitions. If you like homemade crafts, you think outside the box. So do that with their wedding. Ignore the registry. It’s not that hard.
And, lastly, you say brides and grooms are horrible at writing thank yous. So this means registries are horrible? I think this means people need to learn to be thankful. That has nothing to do with a registry.
I’ve also never heard the “it’s bad etiquette to bring gifts” thing. I’ve been to many many weddings (all east coast, too, I might say), and 90% of the people bring gifts.
Speaking as an only-guest so far, I almost feel bad not buying off the registry. After all, I’m sure it sucks for people to not get the things they really need.
On the other hand, I recently went to a friend’s bridal shower, and I decided to forego the registry. I printed out a photo of some flowers she had received (from friends to commemorate her grandfather’s life), and I mounted and framed it all pretty-like. I also bought a canvas bag, since we had once had a conversation about how to live more eco-friendly. I’m a crunchy tree-hugger, and she expressed a desire to do more.
I was nervous about whether or not I should have just gone with the registry, but she turned out to love the present. I think a personal touch is the way to go when possible, but the registry is delightful when I care about someone, want to celebrate, but am not quite sure what to do.
An old friend gave me his wedding gift idea – a garden hose from Sears. They come with a lifetime guarantee, are black (fancier looking than the green ones), and come in different links. He never wrapped his, just popped a bow on top and on to the gift table it went. Everyone knew what they were probably going to get in advance, and everyone with a yard or patio loved them! 🙂
Just yesterday I received an invitation to a shower. It included a cutsey little poem that basically said we have all the pots and pans we need, what we really want is money for our honeymoon. I am so totally turned off by this, is it now the norm?
We’re getting married in a month and we did the traditional (pots and pans) and nontraditional registries (honeymoon). Most of the older generation has gotten stuff off the traditional registry, but our generation loves the honeymoon registry. Other newly weds have told us they wished they had set something like that up for themselves. We used Peggy Posts wording on our website to announce where we’re registered, but have otherwise not specifically talked about gifts with guests.
We wanted the guests to feel like it was an easy process to give a gift they knew we’d appreciate. We’ve gotten some fabulous gifts that weren’t on our registry that we love (heirloom pieces and a lemon tree)! However, I also have a big pile to sell on eBay because our small apartment has no extra room for fancy dust catchers (those statues with no faces freak me out!).
I think the registry system isn’t broken. It’s a tool which gift givers can use or choose not to use. It’s a suggestion for types of gifts we would treasure, not a mandate.
We registered…even though I had most of my kitchen stuff already. (Two years before we got married, before I’d even met him, I decided that it was stupid to go thru life with one pot and a few mismatched dishes and such left over from college days…just because I was single). We registered at Walmart, Bed Bath & Beyond, and on Amazon.com and except for the stuff on Amazon (which were random, fun-for-us type things for those people that didn’t want to give run-of-the-mill things) we tried to keep everything we registered for under $50…most was under $20. We got a lot of gift cards, which was nice as it gave us a chance to really see what things we’d actually need and use on a daily basis…and allowed us to combine cards to buy the bigger ticket items that we’d have felt too uncomfortable asking for on a registry without feeling greedy!! I think that registries can be helpful to those people who really can’t figure out your tastes…but I do agree with some commenters that some lists are really “gimme-gimme” when you see someone who you know doesn’t even know how to make gravy asking for a $50 gravy boat!!
I love sending wedding gifts. If the registry taps into a list of your dreams and wishes, from the salt shakers to your dream home, I am delighted. The more personalized, the better. A good registry represents both your needs and your style as a couple.
There are so many choices of places to register or how to register that even the “have to” registering should be fun for couples. We had a great time with ours 8 years ago putting together our wish list from LL Bean (everything from dish towels to canoes). The types of gifts we get now still reflect those personal preferences (people close to us now know how much we love the casual beach cottage style, seaglass, fishing, etc).
I like both the convenience and wish list aspects of most store registries. The mailing address is there, preferences for color and patterns, usually a range of choices and prices, but most importantly, I can do do the whole thing (purchase, wrap, ship) quickly if I need to.
May I also add, how kind it is to tell people that a gift is not expected especially when a person is part of the wedding, or has to travel.
One of things that has been overlooked in this thread is the effect of large weddings.
If the bride’s parents are footing some or all of the wedding costs, it seems reasonable to me that they should have some input on the guest list. Yet, if the parents want to invite their boss or their third cousin Sally who the couple hasn’t seen for 10 years – how are guests like that supposed to know what to give?
It would be one thing if all of the guests lived within a 10 mile radius of the couple and they routinely interact with one another. In such a case, all of the guests would have an excellent idea what the couple may want or need. They would have first-hand experience of the couple’s abode and taste.
At a wedding with 150 people, however, how can there be such an expectation? “I want to invite Jim because Jim invited me to his wedding 5 years ago, but I have only seen Jim and his wife twice over those 5 years.” Or, “my dad is picking up the alcohol tab and inviting his three best friends would really make him happy.”
Jim and his wife, and that father’s three best friends are going to have a hard time personalizing a gift for this thoughtful couple.
Larger weddings, it seems to me, are quite hospitable to wedding registries because one can’t assume that all (or even most!) of the guests are intimately familiar with the couple.
I think this subject is as touchy as politics–everyone has an opinion, and it’s not open to influence.
Most people who like registries, like them because they used them for their weddings. They liked going into the store with one of those wands/guns and selecting whatever their heart’s desire…or going on a favorite store’s website and selecting whatever their heart’s desire. It makes them feel special and it makes their relationship feel abundant.
I personally didn’t have a big wedding and I registered for 5 items that I truly needed – I think it totalled less than $400. I received a lot of cash and checks as gifts from close family who attended my small wedding reception. I received a few items from my registry from cow-workers and friends.
Every bride (or couple) is different though. I just wish that weddings and wedding gift giving were more meaningful. It seems that pretty much everyone follows the same commercial formula when planning their wedding (including registering for gifts at the same major department stores) — and it has become about the expenses involved.
If everyone involved has the money to be planning huge weddings and buying expensive registry gifts – then great! It is nice though to feel like the couple is respectful of varying income levels when they selected the required attire for the wedding party and gifts on their registry.
@cookie-
You can afford to get married. What you cannot afford is a wedding. They are drastically different.
Char (comment #26):
Thank you! Thank you! I stopped reading comments after yours. You captured so much what I believe that I want to cry.
Thank god there are people like you and your husband. It reminds me that I am not alone in my views regarding what a wedding (including gifts) is and should be: Those who love you standing up and support your marriage. All the rest is “gravy”.
I agree with many of your pro’s for a gift registry, the thing is my fiance feels very uncomfortable regarding the whole mentioning of presents at all. I understand people will want to buy gifts, as i do when i am a guest at someone else’s wedding. And i feel a registry is a real help for those wanting to buy something that will be found useful by the couple. So we are cought between not wanting to seem presumptuous and mention presents, gift registery etc. and receiving 50 vases that we wont get the pleasure of using all of them. Thanks for reading and we would be so grateful for any suggestions.
I completely agree but I think you miss the key point. You don’t invite guests to the wedding for the gifts; you invite them to help you celebrate a milestone in your life. Gifts really should not be required. If a couple can not afford their own place settings, perhaps they should work on acting like fiscally responsible adults before undertaking the most important commitment of their lives.
I have never heard anyone so frequently use the word “I” in relation to a gift they are giving someone else. “I WANT”, “I FEEL”, “I DON’T LIKE [insert activity here]”. Me, me, me. You should just give them a picture of yourself and be done with it.
My friends got married but they live in 2 different cities while they finish up school. All they “registered” for was Southwest gift cards. They don’t have room to store extra stuff and they are always flying to see each other. Do what works for you!!