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<\/p>\nOn February 17th \u2014 in the middle of nine days without power due to an ice storm \u2014 we had the foundation contractor out to re-inspect our house. We experienced some settling last fall, and I was worried that might indicate deeper problems.<\/p>\n
For thirty minutes, the contractor explored the crawlspace while I sat in the living room, fretting. When he finished, he came up to tell me what he’d found.<\/p>\n
“Look,” he said, “my assessment is the same as when you had me out here three years ago. Your foundation is fine. It’s not failing. The house isn’t falling down.”<\/p>\n
I felt a wave of relief wash over me.<\/p>\n
“That said,” he continued, “I do think you’d feel better if you were to reinforce one section of the foundation. It looks to me as if you’re seeing some minor expansion and contraction of the soil, which is what’s causing your settling issues. It’d cost about $9000 to remedy that.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
That evening as Kim and I huddled in our powerless living room, bundled in coats and jackets and using flashlights to read, I made a confession.<\/p>\n
“I want to move,” I said. “I know we both love this house and this yard, but it’s taking a toll on my mental health.”<\/p>\n
“I know,” Kim said. “I know you’ve been struggling. Ever since we moved in, I’ve seen how you’ve grown increasingly depressed and anxious. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy, but I think maybe you should give up on your dream of owning an old house.”<\/p>\n
She’s right. I love old houses but my personality isn’t suited for them. They stress me out. (My ex-wife and I owned an old house too \u2014 she still lives there \u2014 and it caused me endless stress, as well.)<\/p>\n
For the next couple of weeks, Kim and I spent many hours discussing our best course of action. Then, one month ago today, we made a decision: We would sell the house as soon as possible (to take advantage of the crazy Portland real-estate market<\/a>), then rent a place for a while as we made a careful, calculated decision about where to live next. <\/p>\n March was a crazy flurry of activity. From the moment we decided to sell, Kim and I have been working almost non-stop to get the house ready for market.<\/p>\n Honestly, the house looks better now than at any point during which we’ve owned it.<\/p>\n While we prep, we’re torn. We do<\/em> love this house and yard. The yard, especially, is almost perfect for us. But there’s absolutely no doubt that this home, for whatever reason, causes me mental anguish. I can’t live here.<\/p>\n In fact, I spent the entire first half of March in a deep, dark place. I was filled with anxiety as I ruminated over the house. Whenever it was possible to catastrophize, I catastrophized: “What if the house doesn’t sell? What if the contractors we call in find more things wrong? What if we can’t sell it for what we’ve put into it?”<\/p>\n I was a mess. And it was taking a toll on my relationship with Kim.<\/p>\n Fortunately, the past two weeks have been better, and for a variety of reasons.<\/p>\n First, the contractors who’ve come out have not<\/em> found more trouble with the house. In fact, they each say similar things: “Yes, this thing I’m fixing is a problem, but it’s not as bad as you think it is, and I don’t see anything else wrong.”<\/p>\n Second, I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness. As new fears surface, I acknowledge them and move on. “Oh yep, there I am stressing about the gutters again. But we’ve fixed the problem out front and the contractor said there’s nothing else wrong, so I’m just stressing over nothing.”<\/p>\n Related to this, I’ve been asking myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” We bought this place for $442,000. We spent another $150,000 or so on repairs and remodeling. (I’ll have a precise number by the end of today.) Our cost basis for this place is thus about $600,000.<\/p>\n “The land itself is worth $300,000 easy,” I tell myself as I browse Zillow to see what other homes are selling for. “With the house, we should have no problem getting $442,000. And with all of the upgrades we’ve made, it should fetch $500,000. Maybe even $550,000. So, even if I do lose money on the house, I probably won’t lose much.” Basically, I do my best to talk myself out of the catastrophizing.<\/p>\n Finally \u2014 and perhaps most importantly \u2014 just over two weeks ago I began taking my ADHD meds.<\/p>\n When I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2012, my therapist and doctor prescribed Vyvanse, a mild stimulant. I took the stuff briefly, but stopped after a few days because I hated how it made me feel. While there’s no question that it settles my mind, the Vyvanse makes me physically tense<\/em>. My mind calms, but my body coils like a spring for eight hours. So, I’ve only ever used the stuff occasionally, when I know<\/em> I have to get stuff done.<\/p>\n<\/span>Springing into Action<\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/span>Finding Myself Again<\/span><\/h2>\n
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