Several months ago I mentioned in passing that my wife and I keep separate finances. I promised to eventually explain why, and to discuss the pros and cons of doing so.
Our story
When I was a boy, my parents fought about money often. And loudly. They had joint finances, but it didn’t seem to matter. Each accused the other of being financially irresponsible. (Both were right.) Their example left me disenchanted with the notion of mutual money management.
During the years Kris and I dated, we had our own accounts. From the beginning, I was a spendthrift and Kris was a saver. She always made smart financial decisions. Because my money was my money, and her money was her money, my poor choices did not drain her savings.
When we were married in 1993, it didn’t occur to us to combine our finances. I can’t recall that we even discussed the issue. It seemed natural to maintain the status quo. Some people find this strange; they feel that it fundamentally undermines the nature of marriage. But it’s one of the best things we’ve ever done. This system works for us because:
- We have no children,
- Our salaries have always been roughly equivalent, and
- We’ve found a way to split household bills evenly.
This system also works because we trust each other to take care of financial obligations. (Even when I was a spendthrift, bills and household expenses always came first.) Now that I’m making smart choices, we do have one joint account for use solely as an emergency fund.
Pros and cons
Which is better: joint or separate finances? Both sides offer strong arguments. Good reasons to combine finances include:
- Religious beliefs. Some religions encourage joint finances.
- Pragmatism. Some people believe that joint finances make a marriage work more efficiently.
- Convenience. It’s easier for some couples to have a central pool of money from which all expenses are paid.
- One partner is better at handling money. I know a couple in which the husband has no concept of money. He deposits his paycheck, and buys the things he wants, but he has no idea how to budget or how to keep track of bills. His wife is the just the opposite. For them, joint finances are a must.
- One partner’s income is higher than the other. Nickel recently wrote in the forums: “My wife stays at home and I’m the one that earns the money. However, I wouldn’t be able to do what I do without her doing what she does… Keeping separate accounts under such circumstances would just be [wrong.]“
- It costs less. When a couple has fewer accounts, they pay fewer fees. Also, they can sometimes obtain better interest rates.
- You want to combine finances.
On the other hand, there are also good reasons to keep your finances separate:
- Religious beliefs. Some religions encourage separate finances.
- Pragmatism. Nobody enters a marriage believing it will be one of the 50% that ends in divorce, but some people feel that they should play it safe just in case.
- Convenience. It’s easier for some couples to have separate pools of money.
- Both partners are capable of handling money. If either partner lacks financial discipline, joint accounts are best.
- Both partners have about the same income. If one person is the primary breadwinner, joint finances are best.
- You want to keep separate finances.
I don’t believe there’s one right answer to this question. The best choice is the one that works for you and your partner. This is something that you need to decide. Don’t let anyone — not your church, not your parents, not your friends, not some personal finance guru — tell you that there’s only one right way. Each relationship is different.
The bottom line
I love my wife, and believe that maintaining separate finances has strengthened our relationship, not weakened it. But that might not be true for you and your situation. If you and your spouse are happier with joint finances, if joint finances strengthen your marriage, then use joint finances. But don’t combine finances just because you think it has to be done that way. It doesn’t..
What’s most important is honesty and communication. Any system in which the partners are open about their money habits is a good one. Ultimately, it comes down to this: Do what works for you.
You can find more excellent discussions and advice about this subject at these sites:
- Marginal Revolution: Should couples keep separate finances?.
- 11D: Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind — The comments are the highlight here, not the blog entry.
- The Weight of Money: Avoiding the ‘I’ in joint finances — This is a great real-life example of the issues involved with merging finances.
- Getting Finances Done: 3 keys to making your personal finances work as a couple
Your turn
Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate? How has this arrangement worked for you? How long have you been together? How equitable is your income distribution? Who pays the bills? How often do you fight about money? What else can you tell us about the way you handle your finances?
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As a former member of the Banking industry, I can say that no single item caused more financial difficulties than a joint account.
Many couples enter a joint account situation without thinking through the ramifications that sharing finances has (Including myself in a former marriage that died due to financial issues). The diligence required to maintain joint finances when you are starting your “real life” on relatively low incomes can be overwhelming.
Working in a customer service center for a top three bank (flame on), I took hundreds of calls from account holders in which a small discrepancy led to massive overdrafts and negative balances, sometimes to a heartbreaking degree. There is also the legal ramifications in which any one of the account holders can empty the account and the other holder(s) have almost no recourse against them.
My girlfriend of 5 years and i have decided never to combine our finances, even as we look to planning a wedding. We realize that our individual finances contribute to the whole of the relationship and talk about large purchases, but there is an inherent freedom from worry as far as the money tracking issues go.
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My husband and I (married 2 years) make similar salaries. We have separate accounts so that we don’t have to keep track of each other’s spending (we’re both lazy about that).
We do share our funds a lot, though. We have a joint account, and transfer money into it to pay bills.
Originally the idea was that keeping separate accounts would let him pay off his CC debt without affecting me; but I ended up helping him pay off the cards so that he could get rid of that debt faster. For a few months, instead of him paying $X/month to the card, and my paying $Y/month to savings, we both paid toward the card, and finished that sucker off pretty quickly. When the balance got low enough, we just paid off the rest in a lump sum – no point in dragging it out just to pay more interest. Now, he pays his $X/month straight into savings.
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my wife put it very nicely.
my money is her money.
her money is her money.
our money is her money.
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Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
We have a joint account for mutual bills and seperate accounts for our own bills.
How has this arrangement worked for you?
It has been pretty easy so far.
How long have you been together?
We dated for 2 years and have been married 7 months.
How equitable is your income distribution?
I work parttime and still go to school, so right now he makes 2x what I make. The deposits based on that. (He contributes 65% of his income and I put in 35%.)
Who pays the bills?
We pretty much automated everything. I check to make sure the dates and amounts are correct.
How often do you fight about money?
No ‘fights’ so far. We discuss goals and update each other on the accounts on an as needed basis.
What else can you tell us about the way you handle your finances?
We use Quicken to keep track of our spending. Right now we’re trying to cut down on some eating out and we’re saving up for a down payment on a house.
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I just found this thread, so no one may read this so late, but my girlfriend and I (12 years together) keep our money separate and have an easy system for household expenses: we keep an Excel spreadsheet that has running totals of what each of us has spent on the house and joint expenses. We keep a vague eye on it so that when it’s time to pay or buy something, whoever has the lowest total pays. If one person falls really far behind, she usually makes up for it by buying someone personal the other wants. (I was really far ahead, so she bought me my new computer.)
About couples with unequal incomes: it depends on why they’re unequal. We have each had periods when we made less than the other, because of choosing to work part-time. If I’m choosing to work full-time and she’s choosing to work part-time (or vice-versa), we feel that bills should be split evenly. If we’re both working full-time and one of us is just lower paid because of the nature of the work, then we would use a proportional system.
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I disagree that it is best to have a joint account when one partner is irresponsible with finances. This can end up causing a lot of stress and arguments and seriously undermining trust in the relationship.
Up until very recently, my husband and I did keep a joint account. However, we have decided to set it up so that we each have a personal account and we also have a joint account. The joint account will be used only for bills, and they will all be set up for automatic payments. We will figure out how much we need to contribute from each paycheck, and since he makes more than me, we will figure out each of our percentages contributing to our total income and contribute that percentage to the fund from each paycheck to make it even. We will have this amount automatically transferred.
I know, it sounds really complicated and confusing, but we absolutely must have everything automatic and we absolutely must not have any access to the money for our bills. We are both extremely irresponsible with money, neither one of us understands finances or how to budget/plan, and neither one of us will pay the bills if left to our own devices. We also have no time to think about such things since we are both college students, parents, and work full time. My husband actually works more than full time, 60 hrs/week. We are constantly paying late/reconnection fees. And we have three babies, so the small emergency expenses drain our account fast.
We haven’t set up the joint account yet because we are so much in the hole that our paychecks are gone as soon as we get them. We barely have enough left over to eat and get gas so we can go to work. And I keep getting advice on cutting expenses, but none of it relates to us. We already are at a bare minimum, we eat ramen noodles, we don’t have cable, we never buy clothes. We just don’t get it. We need to have a month’s worth of bill money to put in the account to start with to make sure that the automatic withdrawals won’t end up bouncing while we contribute from our paychecks throughout the month for the next month’s round of bills. And we need to end up with quite a bit extra in there for the periodic bills (such as quarterly insurance and doctor’s bills).
SO I don’t know how well it’s going to work yet, but I think it will work pretty well once it’s established.
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[...] Which Should You Choose: Joint or Separate Finances?The Best of Get Rich Slowly: April 2007 EditionSurvey: Money and MarriageDaily Roundup: Paperless PF, Adult Allowances, and Home-Made ToysUse Purpose-Driven Investing to Achieve Your Goals [...]
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[...] Get Rich Slowly- He and his wife keep separate finances. [...]
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A joint account can work even if the couple’s salaries are different – just divide the expense in proportion to the incomes. If one spouse makes 90% of the income, and the other 10%, the one making more pays 90% of the expenses. In essence, they’re paying an additional 40% of expenses to acknowledge the non-money contributions the other spouse is making. But you’ve got to keep it one person, one vote, as it should be a partnership, not a power struggle. (PS = It even works if one person makes 100% – remember your budget should have a “mad money” or “hobby” stipend for each person.)
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My wife and I (27 yrs married) have joint and separate accounts.
I pay all the bills, do all the maneuvering of savings accounts, etc. Years went by where, altho we both made similar salaries, she would always surprise me with a “want” or a “need” that all my planning had not prepared me for. The frustration of my having to readjust the budget, after she justified why the expense was appropriate, left us both less than thrilled with the entire ordeal.
It finally dawned on me that if it was a “fixed” bill, I’d be happy as the budget wouldn’t be upset. So, we decided to transfer some dollars each month into separate savings accounts for each of us. Now, it is just a bill to me, and we each can spend from our account for personal wants, gifts for each other, and just plain frivolity. We find that we are not spending anywhere near our monthly “allowances”. I never get a surprise and she doesn’t ever have to ask/justify a want. We generally use credit cards or checks and, when the 1st rolls around, I pay our individual credit card bills and see what personal checks have been written. Those are subtracted from the “allowances” and the extra transferred to the individual savings accounts.
I wish I had thought of this simple financial solution years ago. Money or spending is not an issue with us now, ever. We’ve been doing this for 5 years now and the savings leftovers have grown nicely as we are still frugal with our individual savings pots. We’ll probably re-pool some and take a cruise!
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My husband and I have seperate accounts, and that’s the only way I could imagine doing it. We would have gotten in so many fights about his list of “needs” including cigarettes and liquor, even on our most-broke weeks, and I can’t imagine asking him to take on my debt, which is coming down, but is still more than what I make in about 18 months. And I’m the one making more money. *sigh*
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[...] the right things with money. I did all the wrong things. (This is one of the reasons we maintained separate finances.) Eventually, I came around. Not everybody [...]
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When my parents got married, my dad requested for my mum to stop work to take care of the home. Since then, he gives my mum an allowance for household expenses which she will have to account for weekly.
Meanwhile, he manages the rest of the money, portioning out some for savings and some for investments.
Even though he is wise financially, my mum feels terribly insecure because if for any reason he chooses to leave her, she will be left with nothing. Not even a dollar for lawyer’s fees. Or if there is a medical emergency where she will need money, she won’t be able to withdraw it.
I feel my dad is unneccessarily cruel.
Meanwhile, my bf’s parents have joint accounts but it is working out for them badly. Even though they are 60, they have zero savings because his dad is a spender who likes to show his friends his latest plasma TV.
His mum is extremely frugal, she is well known as the biggest tightwad in her community, but even though she is the type who gets terribly upset when the utility bill is higher by 70 cents, she still have zero savings thanks to her spender husband.
My advice is, know who you are marrying.
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We maintain separate AND joint accounts.
Every year we go over what expenses come out of the joint account (bills such as mortgage, student loans, groceries, dining out together, joint savings), how close to the budget we were the previous year and adjust what we need in each ‘pile’.
He makes more than I do, but is working on his MBA (paying out of pocket). We subtracted his college spending (tuition/books) from his take-home and went by that number in what percentage of our joint expenses each would pay.
We direct deposit to the joint account our portion of the joint expenses and the rest goes to our personal accounts.
We also meet monthly to see how we are doing regarding the budget and what other expenses (generally house related) and projects need to get done.
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My husband & I (4 years) have separate finances and I hate it. I’m the primary bread winner, and he is partially disabled so he only works part time. We work opposite shifts so that we don’t have to pay daycare costs. Generally our money runs smoothly, but I’m constantly getting angry that he doesn’t contribute more to the household, that he spends all “his” money on himself, that my money is “our” money. We are now moving to a fixer-upper out of town, and will be losing the rental income we have besides increasing our mortgage payment and commuter costs (until closer jobs can be found). I think we really should switch to joint finances, especially since he sucks with money. But I’m not sure how to get him to do it without feeling like I’m taking “his” freedom.
In the begining I made enough to cover most if not all our expenses. As time passed he made more money so he took over some of his bills (health insure, child support). It’s always been a point of contention that he has more to spend any way he wants, and I always have a tight budget.
Can you say inequality. I don’t want to damage his fragile male ego, but I can’t keep doing it all on my own.
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Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
Separate
How has this arrangement worked for you?
Better than joint did. He would withdraw money, not tell me, not deduct it from the checkbook and then scream at me that I was a wasteful (bleep) who “stole his money”! Now it’s his problem.
How long have you been together?
Married 15 years. Separate accounts for 5.
How equitable is your income distribution?
Right now, I outearn him by about 20%. His income has varied, what with taking demotions/salary cuts for his health. I’ve been the steady earner throughout.
Who pays the bills?
He pays the mortgage, his gasoline, his own credit cards and for some of the food.
I pay for health insurance, car insurance, life insurance, umbrella insurance, all supplies for the kids (including any extracurriculars or dental/doctor visits–I also do all the driving), any childcare, all veterinary care for the pets, the trash service (I’m also responsible for taking the trash out), Terminix, my gas, and any credit cards that I use and I very, very resentfully find myself paying the church for HIS tithe. This irritates me because I already donate money to charities through payroll deduction, and he neither consulted me about the amount, nor has he followed through on his commitment. It’s also aggravating because he’s the one who professes faith in God, I don’t. But I’m the one attending and ponying up the cash. The small consolation is that it’s tax-deductible.
I also use fund the flexible spending account and do my darndest to fully fund my retirement account. I know I’ve used every pre-tax deductible I can find.
How often do you fight about money?
We don’t. Sometimes he whines about how poor he is, but I see that I come home with 53% of my income, he comes home with 76% of his and that means his net is higher than mine. So I sympathize with him, as he really does feel poor. But I know that I make my money go farther. I mean, I’m coming home with the same amount of money I earned in 2004 for crying out loud, and I’m not share that information with him.
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My fiance and I are getting married in December, and have already decided to keep our seperate accounts and have a joint account. I budget my money and created a budget for him last year that he has been following pretty well. We’ve decided to pool our paychecks in the joint account and pay all of our bills from there. Then from that we each get a monthly “allowance” of the same amount. That “allowance” can go towards whatever we want it to, so no fighting if I want a new shirt or if he “needs” an xbox game.
Then when our allowance is up, it’s up! I make more money, but I do not think that it will matter who contributes more if we each have our own spending money that we control.
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Yup…just as I suggested last December in message #60. That “joint finances but separate spending accounts” concept has worked very well for us. Removes a lot of hassle and stress.
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Brad, my husband and I do something similar to you and your wife. We have separate accounts but pay the bills jointly. It works well for us as I’m a spendthrift and he’s a saver. The only actual part of my check I see is my spending cash!
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Suze Orman, for all her faults, has what I’ve found to be a great way of dealing with dual finances, especially when the couple is not married. In Young, Fabulous, and Broke, she suggests that couples add up their salaries and figure out what % of the total each makes. Say my partner and I make $100,000 total, and I bring in $70,000, or 70%. We would then add up all of our joint bills (rent, utilities, etc.) and create a joint account from which to pay those bills. I’d put in enough to cover 70% of the bills and my partner would put in enough to cover 30%. The rest of our salaries would go into separate accounts, to be spent or saved as we each see fit.
This may seem a little clinical, but I think it’s especially good for non-married couples who don’t have the legal protections offered from divorce proceedings. My partner and I both feel totally protected knowing that if we had to walk away from the relationship tomorrow we would each have had a “fair” financial stake in the relationship.
(This is similar to many of the other posts, of course, but with a little extra math.)
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*Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
- A mix actually. We each have a separate checking and savings account. We also have a joint checking and savings account – and a “household” credit card for eating out. We each put in the same amount each month into the joint account.
* How has this arrangement worked for you?
- Great. We only fight when she wants to buy me something and I don’t want her to.
* How long have you been together?
- 10 years.
* How equitable is your income distribution?
- She earns significantly more than I do. We offset this by each contributing the same amount (what I can afford) into the joint account – with her handling overages, if any.
* Who pays the bills?
- Joint account pays all budgeted bills.
* How often do you fight about money?
- Maybe 3 times ever? 2 of those were because she wanted to buy me a plane ticket for a trip and I wanted to buy it myself. We spend MUCH more time planning than fighting.
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I don’t really understand the concept of separate bank accounts for married couples. Not only is it horribly inefficient, but marriage is supposed to be a union. If two people can’t even join their bank accounts, there are probably issues that need to be worked out before marriage.
Now I understand that a couple may already be married. My question to these people is: what are you holding back from your relationship? Why did you agree on your wedding day that two would be joined as one and still feel the need to exclude finances from the agreement? Perhaps it’s a sense of independence, lack of trust, or doubt about the future of your relationship. It may even be something smaller such as bank preference, but whatever it is, whether you are willing to admit it or not, you are in fact holding something back.
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[...] blamed combining checking accounts on not being able to pay a bill on time, and a post at http://getrichslowly.org suggested that combining finances is not for everyone. I strongly disagree with both of them, and [...]
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Not everyone has a sensible partner; my Dad ran through $50,000 of my Mom’s 401K in just over a year (money meant to fix up the house)because he had access to their joint savings account. If she had kept the money in a separate account, the house would be done. I feel sick when I think about the money they wasted over the years on eating out, fine wines & books while ignoring important things like house repairs and college tuition.
This is a man who complains about never having enough money, but spends every dime he has & then borrows to keep wasting money.
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Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
We have separate accounts, and will continue to do so.
How long have you been together?
Six years of this arrangment has led to zero squabbles about finances.
How equitable is your income distribution?
I make more than he by about 50%. However, we live well below our means and split bills appropriately, 50/50. I am also responsible for my student loans. This represents the only debt, other than mortgages, that we deal with every month.
Who pays the bills?
Both of us have our respective ‘assignments’. I generally pay the utilities, he pays the mortgage. We split our cell bill since we have a Family Plan.
How often do you fight about money?
We do not fight about money, we have reasonable conversations.
What else can you tell us about the way you handle your finances?
Our names are on each other’s accounts for ease of access in case of emergency, but that is the extent of our involvement in one another’s accounts.
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My wife and I have been married to 4 years and all earnings are deposited into our joint bank accounts. I make more than double what my wife makes and all expenses come out of our primary bank account (our other account is strictly for savings).
We also have our respective bill paying assignments. Given that most of our bills (student loans, cell phone, etc.) are automatically withdrawn, there aren’t a lot of bills to be physically paid when it’s all said and done. For the most part, we each pay our own credit card bills and a couple others, all of which come out of our primary account.
We have not had one fight to date regarding finances. My wife and I dated for over 5 years before getting married. I’m not saying this is for everyone, but it did wonders for learning about each other. We know each other inside and out and both have complete faith that the other will be a good steward of our money. In my personal opinion, I believe this level of scrutiny is often found to be inconvenient for most people. As a result, issues such as spending habits do not come out until after the honeymoon. (Again, I’m not saying this necessarily takes 5 years.)
The only accounts that we don’t share are our credit cards. This is primarily because we both had our credit cards prior to getting married. Each of us has two cards. Neither of us wants our name on more credit cards and we don’t want to throw away good credit history by canceling any of them. That said, this is all irrelevant considering we both believe in using credit cards as if they are debit cards. All credit card bills are paid in full each month and all money comes from our joint account. In all honesty, credit cards would be virtually useless to us if they didn’t come with rewards.
While we do not believe in carrying large amounts of bad debt, we do carry a small amount of student debt. We have more than enough in savings to pay off this debt, but have no reason to do so because our interest rate is hovering around 2% (below inflation in most years). As a result, we pay off our student debt with “weaker” dollars.
We do not have a mortgage payment as I was fortunate enough to see the real estate downturn and subsequent credit collapse coming as far back as 2004. In general, it is my opinion that residential real estate makes for a fairly poor investment over the long haul with an average annual return of approximately 3%. Not to mention that my rent is about 1/2 of what I would pay to buy the same home and includes taxes, maintenance, and insurance costs that we would have to pay on top of a mortgage. (I am referring to general insurance, not PMI. I do not believe in putting down less than 20%.) I have a list of other reasons why strapping yourself to a mortgage is a poor decision in most cases, but in fear of making this entry even longer, I will resist.
Shelly-
I hope this gives you some more insight into our financial situation and general philosophies. Now I have a couple questions for you.
Why do you have separate accounts? I’m happy to hear that you aren’t fighting about money., but simply saying that you haven’t had a fight about money doesn’t really address the underlying reason of why one or both of you feel the union of marriage does not include finances.
Please forgive me if I sound rude in any way. I am genuinely trying to understand the rationale for separate accounts. The only reason I see is that one or both parties haven’t fully committed to the relationship. Otherwise, there would be no need for separate accounts. It’s just more time spent administering finances.
Why, in a marriage, should I have more than two times as much in my bank account than by wife has in hers?
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Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
We have his, hers, and our accounts. We each have our own savings, checking, and credit cards and a shared checking account for bills.
How has this arrangement worked for you?
So far it’s gone well. Have only had the shared account for about 6 months since we moved in together.
How long have you been together?
We have been dating for about six years only because we started dating in highschool.
How equitable is your income distribution?
We are both full time students, only he has loans out and we both work only parttime, so we both make about the same which is not much.
Who pays the bills?
I pay the bills, because I feel that I have a lot better money habits. I just tell him when I need money transfered to our joint account to pay the bills. I am pretty controlling when it comes to money, it was a big reason that both of our parents are divorced. Because of my parent’s divoce I am tight about it, he is not.
How often do you fight about money?
A lot. Probably close to everytime I tell him to transfer money into our joint account for bills. It may not sound like this situation is working out, but it has to be that way or instead of him being the one without the money to pay it would be both of us.
What else can you tell us about the way you handle your finances?
I am pretty controlling when it comes to money, it was a big reason that both of our parents are divorced. Because of my parent’s divoce I am tight about it, he is not. I watched my mother struggle to support us after the divorce, before which she was a stay-at-home mom. When I was in highschool with no bills to pay, checks minus about $40 cash went straight into savings. Now that I have rent and bills to pay, it works the other way around. I put at least 10% into a high yield savings account, just started profit sharing through my job, and try to keep a decent balance in my checking account. I have never paid a credit card bill late and try to pay it off every statement and paid off my car which I bought at 18 in a year and a half instead of three.
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Brandon Smith mentioned that he uses a web application of some sort that has “envelopes” for budgeting. If anyone knows this website. I would love to know it.
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I assume Brandon is referring to Mvelopes.
http://www.mvelopes.com
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Any women here married to a man with kids who has joint finances? We are supporting his 18- and 19-year-old sons who I feel should be pulling more of their own weight. My husband is constantly bailing out the 18-year-old, and I’m really tired of my money supporting a kid who is capable of working. I am becoming resentful of his kids. I am leaning toward splitting our finances.
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DH and I kept our original accounts after marriage for simplicity. We would simply take turns paying bills as they came in and whoever had the most money would pay the bigger bills. (DH used to make double my salary so I would pay little bills.)
About 2 years after we married, we moved across the country and had to find a new bank. It was simpler to begin joint accounts. We still have two checkbooks and accounts but are both owners of them. All accounts are viewable online for an easy snapshot view of our basic finances. Like Glenn, we discuss purchases over $100 (non-bills). My parents always had separate accounts and lots of secrets between them. This led to lots of problems for them. Our finances are always on the table and we both have all passwords for all retirement, savings, and other accounts. I maintain an account with my hometown bank simply to assist my family members in giving monetary gifts without sending checks in the mail. That is our only account that isn’t joint. It has worked very well for us and we’ve been together for 10 years.
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It makes sense for the person on the lower tax rate (i.e. with the lowest income) to have the investment accounts in their name. This, of course, will depend on how your tax system works.
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Why are some people so judgemental about separate finances? Why do you think that your way is the only way? that my marriage is somehow “less than?” What happened to live and let live?
jeez. I may be married but I’m still a person, and so is he. We do what works for us. May you do the same.
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JD, I’m so glad you have this post up here. I’m going to keep it in my back pocket for future reference.
Some time back, I mentioned in a social setting that I enjoyed the fact that my husband and I keep separate accounts. Upon hearing this, a SAH acquaintance whose husband is the breadwinner was absolutely aghast. She berated us for not trusting each other, and held up her and her spouse’s joint account as the only workable solution in a marriage.
I was rather shocked at the venom in her reaction. Separate accounts simply work best for us; we are both responsible with our own money, and I find it much simpler to keep track of things when I only have to remember the checks one person wrote against a single paycheck.
My spouse and I each have our own obligations in bills and monthly savings, and contribute money towards the other as appropriate (he helped me pay off my car early; now I’m helping pay off his, etc). Far from ‘not trusting each other with money’, this approach requires a good deal of it. Each of us must trust the other to spend wisely and maintain their own end of the deal, even though we do not have day-to-day access to the others’ transaction history.
I can completely see how a single set of joint accounts could work better for a couple, and I hope in future people will realize that there are other valid solutions as well.
Next time someone espresses outrage at our arrangement, however, I’ll point them right here!
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Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
1 Joint (household), 1 Savings (both), Separate (me-just within the last 5 months). We have always had one joint checking and a joint savings of course, including separate retirement accounts and college funds (one for each of our 2 children)
How has this arrangement worked for you? ok
How long have you been together? married 16 years
How equitable is your income distribution? we both earn just about the same amount, give or take a 200. a month…
Who pays the bills? my husband
How often do you fight about money? rarely
What else can you tell us about the way you handle your finances?
My husband is the one who pays the bills and we both make just about the same amount. I would of course deposit my paycheck into our joint account and he usually transfers money over to his side to pay bills, savings, retirement, etc. He also, deposits his entire paychecks into the same acct. My husband keeps track of every penny. Which is a good thing; I trust him and know he will make the right decisions on investing and helping our money to grow. He keeps up so that he can tell you approximately what I have left in my register. After a transfer, I usually get left with about $125 for spending money to last for 2 weeks. Well ladies…..one trip to the local Target or Wal-Mart for a household of 2 kids, etc., can go quickly. Also, try getting your pedicure once every other month and hair done on that…LOL. You can forget shoes! He does do all the grocery shopping since his schedule is more flexible (self-employed) and I work full-time. Sometimes, I have to write checks for the kids (shoes, clothes, sports related and school related stuff). I do consider myself to be pretty conservative when it comes to spending money….I don’t buy expensive things and don’t shop a lot for myself. My husband is the same way and I do believe we share the same goals for our financial future. We do sit down together and go our our finances so that we both know where all the money is going. Recently however, I was a bit annoyed when I went to get a burrito and coffee for breakfast and when I got to work, he called and said “by the way, where’s my burrito?” Also, another day I went to buy a pair of shoes at Payless and he called that day and made comment about that. It’s like he goes online everyday to see my transactions (if any). And this is someone (me) who goes out to lunch about once every other week. I don’t ever go through his register to see what he’s spening because I trust him and if he did spend on going out to eat, which he usually has to since his job requires him to be out, then so what. He works hard too. I never check or ask him about any purchases. In the past, when it would come time to do my checkbook, I would usually end up being about 150. negative and he’d have to transfer money back, but I hate having to ask….and almost all, if not most, was spent on our kids…not me. He did make a comment, that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea that I had my own separate account….so, recently there was a bank offer: open a free checking account (I don’t pay fees) and get a $50 gift card. I did and of course added him to the account, after all, this is OUR money. I got a small raise and I have continued to deposit the same amount to our joint account and am using the rest for saving/spending on expenses, such as before. My plan is to make sure that I transfer when it starts to increase to a significant amount to our joint savings. After reading previous posts, I do need to add him to the account for emergency purposes; excellent idea. I did make sure that he was listed as the benificiary when I opened it, but that would not help in an emergeny.
After figuring the % of my deposit, I am depositing 80% of my check into our joint account. I want to make sure I am being fair. Should it be 90%? How do I know what % I should contribute? Should it be more? Needless to say, I am no longer “negative on my side!” I can breath now! And if I want to go get a burrito in the am, I can….but haven’t yet! While a single joint account worked for a long time, especially when we didn’t have kids, circumstances change and you must with them. To each his own….
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Me and my wife get an “allowance” weekly for personal items, liking lunches out, entertainment, clothes, etc. Everything else is in one account. It actually makes date night more fun since you use your fun money to treat the other person.
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We keep joint accounts. I’m a SAHP. He’s in the military, grosses app. $40k/year. I manage our finances–I love doing it, and he could care less, as long as he gets his allowance (we each get one.) I’m about to start sitting down with him every pay period to work out a budget from scratch. I think we’re ready to take it to that level–it’ll be good for both of us. He currently contributes to a TSP, but I’ve been doing the research and am finding that a Roth IRA might be the best retirement vehicle for us. He agrees, so we’ll be working on that together. Since he’ll be the SAHP in a few years (finishing up his degree, just like I’m doing now), I’d like to talk to him about him at least matching any Roth IRA contributions I make from my allowance–I will gladly fund his while he’s in school. I feel weird, like I’m asking for a handout or something. But I also know that I really cannot afford to put off investing in retirement any longer. I’m 29 and I need to start now, for my own peace of mind. And I love him, but I think it’s important to be “pragmatic,” to use JD’s term and acknowledge that things can happen and that we need to be prepared.
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Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
- We each keep our own checking accounts and have a joint account from which household expenses are paid. We each contribute the same amount into the joint account and if more is needed we then contribute that amount.
* How has this arrangement worked for you?
- I am very happy with it and he has not expressed any complaints.
* How long have you been together?
- 1.5 years.
* How equitable is your income distribution?
- I earn around $20k more than he does.
* Who pays the bills?
- He pays the bills out of the joint account. He also makes all joint investment decisions.
* How often do you fight about money?
- We don’t fight, per se, but sometimes he comments to me that he thinks that we’re paying too much for this or that, or that we’re not taking adequate advantage of something to warrant its expense (e.g., Netflix). If I disagree with him, my response is usually “Don’t worry about it, I’ll pay for it.” This ends the discussion and prevents a fight that I believe would likely otherwise occur if we had joint finances. I like the idea expressed on here about discussing expenditures if they are over a certain amount, but I’m not sure I would take it well if I had to ask his permission to buy a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes and he told me no, it would be ridiculous so pay so much for a pair of shoes. I work too hard for my money for that sort of thing and my finances can easily absorb a periodic expediture of that variety.
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Thank you! I am tired of people telling me I don’t have faith in my marriage because we haven’t combined finances. Thank you thank you thank you. I am NOT holding back, lol. A lot of you here are relatively young and married at young ages when you had no assets. All your assets were acquired together. I, however, married after accumulating considerable assets. It works for us great.
MY parents, both born during the Depression, also always kept seperate finances and were lovebird their entire 50 years of marriage until my Dad’s death. They never held back, had trust problems, or inefficiency over bills. Their and my marriage work regardless of if some random person on the internet “gets” our life or not.
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Do you and your partner keep joint accounts or separate?
– Everything is joint.
How has this arrangement worked for you?
– Great.
How long have you been together?
– 13 years, 9 married.
How equitable is your income distribution?
– I am the primary breadwinner. He occasionally makes a little but is generally a student and stay-at-home dad.
Who pays the bills?
– He pays most of them. I pay my Macy’s and AmEx bills, and the cell phone bill.
How often do you fight about money?
– Never. There are always discussions about large purchases though.
What else can you tell us about the way you handle your finances?
– Because it’s “our” money, neither of us feel we have to “ask permission” to spend it. I couldn’t be out making my salary if I didn’t have him at home – he’s earning it too. And neither of us has problems being a spendthrift, because we’re spending the other person’s money too.
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