Yesterday I shared a guest post from Leo of Zen Habits. His guide to minimalist money was a sort of overview of good financial skills, useful information for those in the first stage of personal finance. But some long-time GRS readers couldn’t relate to Leo’s post.
Today’s post goes in the opposite direction. It’s a meditation for those in the third stage of personal finance (or beyond), and it’s probably going to seem foreign to those who are still struggling to get debt under control.
The evolution of spending
Before I developed smart money skills, I spent without thinking. I accumulated debt because I had no self-control. I bought what I wanted, even when I couldn’t afford it.
To repay my debt and build wealth, I learned to be frugal. I was never able to completely discard my tendency to spend, but I curbed it sharply. In fact, I became so frugal that I would debate whether to use two spoonfuls of hot chocolate mix or three when making a cup of cocoa. (And this was just a year ago!)
I’m still frugal. In my day-to-day life, I make choices to save money in every way I know how. I clip coupons, buy store brands, borrow from friends, make do with what I have. I am a proponent of thrift.
At the same time, however, I’ve reached a point where it’s possible to save for some very nice things. I saved for my used Mini Cooper. Kris and I are saving for a trip to France next year. And this weekend we’ll receive a shipment of some nice furniture we’ve saved for.
Because I’ve made smart choices in other parts of my life, I’m able to spend well on the things that really matter to me.
The guilt of wealth
There’s no question that I’m happy about my current financial situation. I’m doing well, making smart choices, and enjoying a balance between tomorrow and today. But not everything is perfect. I’ve found that I feel guilty about some of the things I can now afford to purchase. And I’m not the only one.
I had lunch with a close friend yesterday. Though he was raised dirt poor (way below poverty level), he’s worked hard to obtain an education, to build a career, and he now owns a couple of businesses. It was never his aim, but now he finds he’s wealthy. He’s proud of his accomplishments — but he also feels guilty.
“I look at my extended family, and they’re still poor,” my friend told me. “They struggle. And yet I have a nice house a nice car and everything I could possibly want.” A few years ago, my friend purchased an expensive car as a reward to himself for his hard work. He could afford it, but somehow over the past few years, he hasn’t enjoyed it as much as he thought he would. He feels embarrassed to drive it. He worries that his kids will grow up to take for granted those things he views as blessings.
This morning, I walked across the street to pick ripe Concord grapes at my neighbor’s house. He came out to help. We chatted as we plucked the juicy bunches from the vine. My neighbor has been retired for fifteen years, and through patience and smart investing has built an enormous nest egg.
When my neighbor retired, one of the first things he did was buy a boat. He spends his summers cruising from Seattle, Washington to Juneau, Alaska and back. (He’s invited me to spend ten days on his boat with him next year — I can’t wait!) My neighbor told me about the first summer he had his boat. One day he anchored in a little cove. Before long, several other boats had anchored in the same spot. He was embarrassed to see that his was by far the biggest boat. “I was worried about what they thought of me,” he said.
A strange new world
Both my friend and my neighbor are generous. They contribute time and money to their friends, family, and community. They’ve built wealth through hard work, and can afford the indulgences they allow themselves. Yet they both feel some degree of guilt over the things they have.
Believe it or not, I’ve begun to experience some of the same feelings. I know I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, but I’ve also been incredibly fortunate. I have a great job. I’m doing something I love, which also happens to help other people. I work from home, so can set my own hours. (I spent all yesterday hanging out with friends, but here it is Saturday morning and I’m working.) I’ve eliminated my debt and am building wealth. As a result, I can allow myself some of the nice things I’ve always wanted.
So why do I feel guilty? I never felt guilty about the things I had when I was in debt. I felt I deserved them. I don’t feel that anymore. Now that my new furniture is on its way, I don’t feel happy to have it, or proud that Kris and found ways to save so much money on it. I feel ashamed that I’m able to afford this while my little brother and his family are struggling to stave off bankruptcy.
Yes, I know that his situation is largely a result of his choices, as mine is a result of my choices. But I know there are plenty of people in this world who have worked as hard as I have, but who haven’t had the breaks.
Does anyone else experience this? How you handle it? I’ve decided that the best thing I can do is to continue my frugal lifestyle, allowing myself occasional indulgences as I can afford them. At the same, I’ll continue to help as many people as possible improve their financial situation. Maybe if I can help others achieve wealth, I won’t feel guilty about my own.
This article is about Odds and Ends, Psychology, Real-Life
JD, I can completely relate. I was fortunate to have a great job for many years, and, by living frugally, my husband and I paid off most of our debt (except our mortgage) and saved up a comfortable “emergency fund.” We were able to go on vacations, and we were able to purchase what we needed without building up credit card debt. We felt the same guilt about our good fortune as you do – with the result that we donated money and time to a host of philanthropies and our church – and still felt guilty. Now, I have lost my job to downsizing, and our charitable contributions have shrunk considerably (but not stopped) – and I STILL feel guilty.
Maybe this is a good thing. Perhaps guilt is a built in mechanism to make sure we don’t get sucked into feeling proud and superior for accomplishing our financial goals. Maybe it helps us understand the big picture and the challenges that others face – so that we can better appreciate and feel grateful for our own circumstances. Easier to live with those guilt feelings, when you think of it this way. They serve us as a reminder of what could be – and a motivator to take action.
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I wonder if there’s more than guilt going on — maybe there’s also a continuing fear, especially when we look around and see that there are so many people who aren’t in as good a place, and there are disasters etc that aren’t in one’s control.
But I do think that establishing a committment to generosity does go a long way toward assuaging the guilt aspect. My husband has less guilt about spending money on himself than I do, and I think that one reason is that he is extremely generous; he has established several scholarships that are awarded on the basis of need, not “merit” and he donates regularly to a number of organizations he has decided to support (he’s also a regular blood donor). He makes a number of donations right away every January — and having done that, he seems able to not feel guilty about spending on himself and on us later in the year.
On the other hand, it may be that these feelings are a part of what it means to adopt simplicity — you just won’t get the same thrill from consumption anymore…
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I think a lot of people have the same feelings in this economy, especially when it comes to employment. Many of our friends and family are unemployed, and those of us who are still working can’t help but feel a bit guilty.
After all, we’re still making ends meet while those we know are struggling and losing everything around them.
How do we deal with it? Like you said, everything in life is about choices. I’m not saying that people who are losing their jobs have themselves to blame. At the same time, there are things everyone can do to become more indispensable at work, and more diversified in income.
If we plant the seeds, day after day, we are more likely, not less likely, to succeed.
As for your guilt on being able to finally get the things important to you? I would focus on your reasons for spending.
After all, you’re not blowing money on senseless things – these are items that are truly important to you, and stuff that you’ve worked long and hard to save up for. Focus on why those are priorities to you, and believe that your actions are the right thing to do!
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I don’t feel any guilt – though I do feel incredibly fortunate – but I do feel like I want to *help* family members and close friends who haven’t been as fortunate. I have to really hold back from offering financial help as I’ve heard that can really complicate relationships.
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@jdb (#4)
Yes, this is a great point. The basic rule of offering financial help to family and friends is: give, don’t lend. That is, if you’re going to provide help, give the money without expectation of it ever being repaid. You may draft loan paperwork (and in most cases, that’s a good idea), but mentally treat the assistance as a gift. And if you can actually make it a gift (and the situation warrants), then do so.
@elisabeth (#2)
I like the idea of starting need-based scholarships. I’ve mentioned that I want to do more stuff with chairty, but one thing that holds me back is that I want my money to matter.
When I was talking with my friend yesterday, he mentioned that the only reason he was able to get an education is that some anonymous donor provided the money for him to do so. In my case, my college education was fully funded by a combination of need-based and merit-based scholarships. I would love to be able to help some other student make her dreams come true.
One thing I’ve already resolved to do is to quietly provide assistance to my friends’ children on certain things. I don’t want to make things effortless for them, but if Little Johnny wants to attend band camp and his parents can’t afford it, I would love to be able to help him do so. I’m sure that other people do this sort of thing, too. I feel like this is a way I can help people I know in a way that I can see have an impact.
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First/Second stage of PF: DENIAL of wealth. People who racked up more in material riches on credit cards and mortgage notes, than most human beings have seen over a lifetime, but still think they’re broke, and are never satisfied. People who complain about how bad they have it, while they’re filling the gas tank of their family automobile, dragging a couple spoiled rugrats home from soccer practice to their aircon McMansion.
Third stage of PF: GUILTY of wealth. People who write checks to Save The Children foundations, boycott stuff made in sweatshops in Bangladesh, and start charity foundations for single mothers. Result: people in Bangladesh are unemployed and starving, single mothers never learn job skills and stay on the public dole until they bite the dust, and Africa forgets how agriculture is done, while local farmers starve to death because they cannot compete with free food shipped in by rich countries.
Fourth stage of PF: ACCEPTANCE of wealth. The best way to help the world is to put people to work, and increase global standard of living. Invest your wealth in the tools to enable all of our brothers and sisters on the planet to become better off. This will return as much money back to you as it helps individuals across the world, as they enter the global middle class of the 21′st century, and realize their own dreams. People who use their wealth to invest in a better future for the world, by starting new industries, driving innovation to increase wealth worldwide, or by solving bigger picture problems. Examples: Bill Gates, Warren Buffett.
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There used to be a strong American trend of Upward Mobility, it was presumed that it was everyone’s aspiration to ascend through social classes, the lower class strived to become middle class, the middle class aspired to the upper class. But now America has become stratified with less social mobility than ever, the rich keep getting richer, but the middle and lower classes get poorer. Almost all the wealth is concentrated in about 2% of the population.
Well there is a counter to all this, I’ve heard it described as “Downward Nobility.” It can be nobler to live a life away from consumerism and Keeping Up With The Joneses. You don’t need a bigger car, house, boat, etc. and it is important to find a way to live a balanced life, with modesty. There are societies (I hear the French are big on this) where it is considered gauche to flaunt one’s wealth. Particularly in a time of recession, when the conspicuous consumption of frauds like Bernie Madoff, and the excesses of multimillion dollar bonuses for bankers that were bailed out at taxpayer expense, flaunting your wealth is tantamount to saying you live at other peoples’ expense. People are dying of poverty while the rich live in unbelievable luxury. And they don’t feel any guilt about it, they feel is is their right.
So the rich have spoiled it for everyone. Even if you saved your entire life, and your only luxury is a moderately expensive boat, people feel self-conscious and everyone looks at you like you’re Bernie Madoff. This is just another reason to restructure the economy to redistribute the wealth more equitably.
Sorry if this doesn’t address the direct issue of feeling guilty for one’s own modest luxuries. All the money in the world won’t make you as happy as JD was plucking grapes, or the guy who grew them being able to offer the fruits of his labors to a friend. I guess that is the issue, your life is only as valuable as what you can do with it. Money isn’t the primary tool in our lives. We need balance. I wish I could find it myself.
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J.D.,
I think it becomes difficult to justify living in relative luxury when there are so many people struggling in the world. Sure, some are struggling because of their own poor decisions, but many don’t have the opportunities to succeed like we do in America.
The natural tendency of anyone who’s got their finances under control and learned that life isn’t all about them is to wonder how they can help others get to the point where their needs are met and their finances are under control.
I don’t, however, think it’s as cut and dry as Frugal Bachelor (#6) makes it out to be in terms of how we should help those in need. There is a place for immediate relief (the free food shipped in by rich countries) and there’s a place for developing the skills and local economy of those in need. Guilt shouldn’t prompt you to give for either type of cause. Love should be the reason for the gift.
There’s much more to life than wealth and enjoying luxury. Once you learn that truth, it becomes difficult to look at those who are truly poor and justify all the money we spend on our wants. I like the saying, “Live simply, so others can simply live.”
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I’ve always associated money with guilt. When I was 5 years old I started getting $5 a week allowance, and right away I was told that it was sort of a secret because that was a huge amount at the time (1986) and my friends’ families all had less money than my family.
I still feel guilty about money. I was always brought up to be frugal, but I’ve followed that in odd ways sometimes (eating too much food when it’s free, hitchhiking and staying in the cheapest possible youth hostels even though I had the money to go to Europe in the first place.) None of my friends know how much savings I actually have (from my own earnings, no less!) If my parents give me money, I keep it separate from mine because I don’t feel I deserve it.
Incidentally, as a good but not particularly needy student, need-based scholarships always kind of annoyed me. I felt like my parents were being penalized for having saved up and making the right choices, so then they had to pay full price while people whose families had made possibly worse choices got a free ride. Do we really want to reward having questionable finances *over* doing well in school?
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I actually do feel a little bit guilty sometimes, knowing that I’m taking advantage of a society that doesn’t value the work of (for example) Southeast Asian factory workers the same as it does those in America (do the exact same work and you’ll get paid more for it here), when I’m the direct beneficiary of that inequity.
But I also don’t feel like it’s my duty to fix all the injustices in the world. I live with them like anyone else does — some work in my favor, some work against me. Admittedly, for someone in my position, more are working for me than against me, so this probably makes it easier for me to be OK with it.
But the world is not a fair place. It has never been and never will be a fair place. Feeling guilty about my place in in seems a bit like the fastest wildebeest feeling guilty that the slowest wildebeest got eaten by lions instead of him. Maybe he should be thankful for his natural running ability, but that doesn’t mean he needs to go get eaten by lions to make the world more fair. That idea seems absurd to me.
Maybe I don’t feel guilty because I don’t believe that everything should always be fair. Sports and trials? Sure, they should be fair. But I don’t begrudge Prince Charles for being born into the royal family of England. I don’t feel that either he should have to give that position up, or he should have to share it with me, even though maybe that would be “fairer”.
So that’s my perspective, although it offers little advice, because my perspective is different from yours.
And I actually think the increasingly global economy will fix the inequality I mentioned at the top. American wages will come down as “third world” wages rise to meet them. Eventually, with commerce and shipping as easy as they are now and getting even easier, all these things will equalize, and you’ll get paid the same to assemble laptop computers in China as in California. Great news for the Chinese, not so great for Americans.
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I think you should read “The Most Patriotic Thing You Can Do” by Mark Cuban http://blogmaverick.com/2009/08/13/the-most-patriotic-thing-you-can-do/
This is not a competition society. Because you have done well does not mean someone else had to suffer. You should take great pride in what you have and continue to accomplish. Just don’t boast that pride. Show it with the way in which you handle your money. Give back. Right now is a great time to spend money to help the economy get back on it’s feet.
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One more thought: Sites like this are constantly discouraging us from “keeping up with the Jonses” so to speak. At what point do you reach a minimum standard of living, above which, you’re just trying to “keep up with the Jonses”? Even if, in this case, that’s J.D. Jones?
Does your brother really *need* more? Sure, he may not have a mini cooper, but he’s got a warm home, a caring family, and his health, doesn’t he? I have never read you give any advice on this blog that says “you need more than what you are living with right now”, have I? We decry lifestyle inflation and excess material possessions, but when we ourselves are able to achieve those things, we suddenly feel bad for all those who can’t? Seems a little bit contradictory.
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Unless you amassed your wealth by stealing it from others, I do not understand why anyone would feel guilty. Don’t accept guilt you don’t earn. If you value something (like a charity) then give to support it. I am not wealthy (yet), but am certainly doing better than some of my siblings. However, I don’t feel guilty because of that. Why would I? It’s like feeling guilty that you an A on a test because you studied, but your best friend only got a C.
Frugal Bachelor made some very good points, all of which I agree with. I just don’t understand why anyone would feel guilty because they have been able to generate wealth through hard work and planning.
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I very much identify with this article, although I am in an admitedly VERY different place than J.D. right now. Believe it or not, my husband and I are both unemployed right now (him through getting laid off; me through choice), and I feel a weird “wealth” guilt because unlike many other unemployed people in our region (metro Detroit), we are NOT having financial difficulties.
Let me explain a bit more: this summer my husband was laid off from his auto-industry job when I was in the process of switching jobs. We then had to make the difficult (to us) decision of whether I should 1) accept my newly-offered teaching job (I had already resigned from my previous job), which would require a long-term commitment to living in our area, which would probably mean that my husband wouldn’t be able to find a job in his field (again, metro Detroit), or 2) decline my teaching job, which would leave both of us unemployed but would give us the ability to move to anywhere in the country immediately once my husband found a job. I’m sure that many people would’ve have chosen option 1 in a heartbeat, but we actually ended up choosing option 2. Why? First, we aren’t particularly tied to this region and had been discussing moving anyway. Secondly, we are newly-weds who didn’t want to wind up in a long distance relationship, even if only for part of a year. Third, we live frugal lives, and knew that we could rely on our substantial emergency funds that both of us had wisely & independently built up before getting married. Because of these factors, we decided on option #2 — leaving us both unemployed.
We made that decision several months ago, hoping that my husband would be able to find a job relatively quickly. But today, we’re both still unemployed…and we’re actually doing just fine (I feel thankful, but also strangely guilty, to say that!). We’ve found yet more ways to be frugal (only using/insuring one of our cars, meal planning & creating a grocery price book to follow grocery sales, and getting our “entertainment” completely free through bike rides & walks outside or from borrowing books & movies from our library, etc.). And we’ve started selling some of our old stuff on ebay or craislist to make some “extra” money in addition to my husband’s unemployment benefits. Due to all of these decisions, we’ve just barely dipped into our emergency funds — leaving plenty of money left in case we need it!
While I am proud that we had chosen to save for those emergency funds and live frugally, I still feel a pang of guilt that we’re doing fine. I mean, we’re both unemployed; shouldn’t we be poor? Basically, I feel guilty for actually being able to afford unemployment! And there are so many people struggling in the metro Detroit area that I do feel a pang of guilt for being so financially blessed in comparison. Our hearts reach out to those in desparate situations, who aren’t there by choice and who are struggling to cover their expenses and face constraints in their job searches. Many of these people are tied to mortgages or have kids to support; my husband and I do not have these responsibilities and are free to move wherever, whenever.
I think that this experience has made me appreciate so much more the advice that J.D. and others emphasize: build up a substantial emergency fund. In our case, it is allowing us the freedom to actually make choices in such a distressing economy. We will have to face the consequences of our risky decision, but we both have high levels of education and are confident that a good opportunity will come our way sooner or later. Thankfully my husband is seeing an increase in job interviews and we’re hopeful that something will come through soon. In the meantime we’re surveying the job markets, applying to positions, enjoying life as newly-weds, counting our blessings, and trying to not feel too guilty about our “fortunate” situation.
Thanks, J.D., for another intriguing post!!
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Oh my…so many directions to go in this area. I’m constantly afflicted by money/affluence-related guilt. For example:
1. Achieving a high-paying, low-stress, flexible (work-from-home) job without working all that hard. The work would be considered challenging to many but it comes easily to me which I think makes me feel even more guilty. My friends went to the same university, are just as smart as me and struggle quite a bit more. Where’s the fairness in that?
2. Having my dad pass away suddenly while in my mid-20s and inheriting a fairly significant sum of money. If you want to talk about wealth guilt, wait until you inherit some money…particularly at a rather young age where you really feel the difference. The constant knowledge that things you’re buying (a house) or amazing trips you’re taking (6 months in South America) are only possible because someone you loved died is very, very guilt provoking.
3. Or, on the above-mentioned South America trip, you are constantly bombarded with poverty, hardship, trial and tribulations…yet on the other hand you are overjoyed at how cheap travel is in Latin America. Walking outside of a nice restaurant in Peru where a 3 course, wine-included meal set you back an appallingly low US$15 and seeing a woman standing on a corner selling candy with a baby strapped to her back who probably hasn’t earned 15 US dollars all day long. Guilt, guilt and more guilt.
So what to do about it? I don’t know…I try to be generous with my time and my money but, like JD, I sometimes struggle with where to put the money so that it matters. I’ve come to the conclusion over time that I feel far more useful when I can see the fruits of my generosity so have spent much time volunteering with underprivileged kids. I have a few charities that I donate to but find that writing a check just doesn’t have the same feel as actually doing something. I don’t know…it’s a struggle. “Guilty” always seems like the wrong word to me anyway…doesn’t the feeling of guilt imply commitment of some sort of wrong, offense or crime? Certainly we are not that group but it’s very clearly a shared sensation.
What a great topic JD. I look forward to everyone’s responses.
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When I bought my Acura (with cash) a few years back I’m not sure if I felt guilt or felt I was being extravagant. I’m thinking it may be the latter since I knew I could make do with a Honda or Toyota, but I had to have a little extra luxury. Now when I shop for cars (I’m still driving my Acura) I know I have the cash for a Mercedes or BMW, but I can’t bring myself to get it – mainly because I see it as overkill when I know an Acura would do just fine – LOL! I’m by no means wealthy, but I’m doing well. I just find it is easier not to talk about money with others unless I’m sure they are in a similar position to me. I need to make sure I’m the same person I was before I had extra money. If other people perceive me as different and I know I am not I’ll know it is their problem and not mine.
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I know the kind of guilt you are feeling J.D. I woke up to my crap financial habits when I was 27 and have spent the last 10 years paying off more than $52,000 debt ($10,000 credit cards, $21,000 student loans, and $31,000 in cars and a fertility loan from my dad!). Now I am debt free except for my house, and I look around at my friends and see that I have become the most well-off among us, a situation that didn’t seem possible 10 years ago.
I spent some months contemplating how I could share my good fortune with my friends and family (and still maintain my financial goals). Ultimately I have ended up sending some spending money every month to my grandmother who lives in an assisted living home and set up a 529 education savings plan for the new daughter of a friend of mine who is not currently able to save for her child’s education. I’m trying to put my money where my values are – my friends are not my pets to be taken care of, but a well educated population is a gift that everyone benefits from.
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I can’t relate at all, but I loved this post. I’m still working my way out of debt, but hopefully I’ll be prepared for what will come when I finally get to the wealth building stage. It’s amazing how many challenges money introduces into our lives- both positive and negative.
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I applaud you J.D. for mentioning an idea that many dismiss immediately. That idea is hard work alone will NOT automatically grant you success. You admit that there are others who work just as hard as you do, and yet, you’re the one who caught the break.
I grew up watching my parents slave away in the kitchen restaurant to provide the opportunities I have received in life. Without their sacrifices, I could have never made it to where I am today. I graduated from college, got an engineering job, and now work half as hard, and make twice as much as my parents’ salaries combined.
I am blessed with a “gift” to learn and master new material quickly. I had a friend in college with a learning disability who literally studied for 2 weeks for each test. I would help him study and he would always ask high-level questions, the type the professor normally thinks of for exams. Most of the time, I was able to answer it, and if not, I was close. Even the professor was amazed at the level of mastery I had of the material at times. Now, was if fair that I scored one of the top grades and he struggled, for little to no studying after going through the material with him?
The world is full of inequality. Those who have experienced the bottom can fully appreciate the accumulation of wealth after pulling themselves out of debt. However, this goes for everyone, if you forget to appreciate what you have, that there are those who are less fortunate than you, then you put yourself in a position to lose what you do have.
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Great post. Having counseled thousands,the guilt is common. I am not sure why, when we have done all we can do, that we sometimes feel as if it is not enough.
I do think however, this is guilt best kept to yourself. Not showing excitement,and appreciation for the new purchases will definitely be felt by your spouse and hurt feelings and resentment may soon follow.
Keeping a diary and recording the things you do to help others can make those things seem more real. We all try to “help others” but recording how will confirm it.
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Very interesting post, JD. I am struggling with some of the same feelings, also, having recently landed a job with a very good income for the first time in my life, while a dear friend of mine has been unemployed for a year. Wish I had something insightful to say, other than that I appreciate all the previous posters’ comments.
One reply I would like to offer, to Karen@9: I was a recipent of need-based aid in college. My mom was a single parent, having been abandoned by my dad when I was an infant–definitely not a choice she had wanted or foreseen. Neither was the series of illnesses that destroyed her life the decade she was in her 30′s, while I was in junior high and high school. If my family had had to pay for college out of pocket I would not have gone, period. Thanks to the generosity of many, including the federal government (Pell grants) and private donors to my university, I got a great undergraduate education and went on to a PhD in the natural sciences.
Then again, maybe this does circle back to the idea of fairness that many respondants have invoked, or a related notion, luck. Some people may qualify for need-based aid because, as you say, they made worse choices. Or some may because despite their good choices, shit happened. Remember, too, that education is about helping *kids* succeed–and kids in general are not/should not be held responsible for their parents’ shortcomings.
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This is not a very discussed topic – my whole blog (MoneyChangesTHings) started off as a meditation on just this question – what is money for? but I found very few people with money who were open to discussing it; it is said that people are more comfortable discussing their sex life than their checkbooks. There are several books on the challenges of inherited wealth, but you’re talking about simply having a modest surplus, not vast wealth. Where does the guilt come from? To some extent, it is related to acknowledging how incredibly lucky and fortunate we are – born in a country with education, sanitation, sufficient food, infrastructure for electricity/fuel/ etc. two billion people on Planet Earth do not share these privileges. As you point out, they work hard, but so much less productively.
Once you have enough to accumulate a surplus, you can – of course – keep escalating your life style, but there’s evidence that this does not make you any happier, as your friend with the fancy car observes. In his case, it seems to have actually had the reverse effect. So you need to set guidelines for yourself – what is that surplus for? SOme people just keep on investing it, thinking that the point is to generate an even larger surplus, for the proverbial rainy day, and to leave to heirs, or just to have a balance sheet they can admire. I have challenged myself to donate 10% of annual income to charities- some gifts are significant, some are small – but all help others in some way. I also invest 1-2% of my assets in ways that directly improve our world. My favorite is http://www.microplace.org where you get a direct return (2-6%) for investing in microfinance! Now that’s a win-win. I would devote a larger per cent of my assets this way (community investing, for example) if my husband weren’t 10 times more conservative than I am! One thing that I am learning more about – how much farther finances go in alleviating poverty in the third world than in the US. It’s nice to send a kid’s friend to soccer camp – but for the same amount of subsidy, you could feed and educate an orphan in the third world for a whole year and think of the impact on that kid’s whole life!
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This is not a very discussed topic – my whole blog (MoneyChangesTHings) started off as a meditation on just this question – what is money for? Once you have enough to accumulate a surplus, you can – of course – keep escalating your life style, but there’s evidence that this does not make you any happier, as your friend with the fancy car observes. In his case, it seems to have actually had the reverse effect. So you need to set guidelines for yourself – what is that surplus for. SOme people just keep on investing it, thinking that the point is to generate an even larger surplus, for the proverbial rainy day, and to leave to heirs, or just to have a balance sheet they can admire. I have challenged myself to donate 10% of annual income to charities- some gifts are significant, some are small – but all help others in some way. I also invest 1-2% of my assets in ways that directly improve our world. My favorite is http://www.microplace.org where you get a direct return (2-6%) for investing in microfinance! Now that’s a win-win. I would devote a larger per cent of my assets this way (community investing, for example) if my husband weren’t 10 times more conservative than I am!
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Hey Angie (#21),
I was just talking about scholarships- not financial aid. I definitely think financial aid should be need-based, because of all the reasons you mention. Scholarships are different- those were historically given out for specific achievements, but I feel like they have moved away from merit based and toward need based.
Also, in the case that parents pay for college, parents who have saved are actually penalized for having saved. Of course, if the child is responsible for paying, that’s another story– but I think a lot of parents do pay, and I have literally heard people going out and buying new furniture or refrigerators before putting in their aid applications so it would look like they have less money.
Certainly, people are poor either because they had bad luck through absolutely no fault of their own, or made bad choices, or both. But I guess I feel like being rich is more likely to be the result of good choices- if only because if you come into a large sum of money through sheer good luck, and make bad choices, it will soon be gone.
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I guess I can understand feeling guilty if you’re doing better than someone you care about, but I think tossing the word “wealth” around is a bit much. I consider people who make $100,000+ per year consistently, own their house outright, and can basically choose to work or not (or they have a profession like a doctor) to be wealthy. Not people who recently got out of debt and can afford to pay cash for some items.
I don’t know if part of the bad feeling “wealthy” people feel is because they’re also somehow afraid it could all be taken away… or if it’s mostly because they’re buying something they WANT while other people (some close to them) are struggling to survive.
I suppose it’s unavoidable to feel guilty sometimes, but I think that’s a bit silly. It’s not like you’re doing anything wrong, and managing money properly likely has benefits extending past yourself (like more donations to charity etc.). Use the guilt to prompt yourself into action – like donate more to charity, or give the gift of your time if you’re feeling bad. Even help out your poor brother by giving grocery store gift cards, donating your TIME, or doing things like cooking and/or treating dinners out once in a while.
Realistically, JD, you’re at the stage you would have been LONG ago if you had managed your money properly in your 20s and 30s. I think it’s great you have your money situation figured out, and I don’t think you should feel guilty about living not stupidly. That’s all it is. It’s not like you won millions of dollars and are feeling guilty for not giving your poor brother some of it. You earned the money you are making and I think you spend it quite wisely. Enjoy your new furniture for goodness sakes!
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“Live simply, so others may simply live”, is a
platitude, I think. I am well off, and VERY
appreciative, but I don’t think I feel particularly
guilty. I DO often wonder WHY I’ve been so lucky…..
Btw, I like the saying “Reduce, reuse, recycle” a lot
better.
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I can relate. When our 1993 Acura died last year, we were looking for a new car with manuel transmission on short notice. Almost ready to buy a VW Passat when we read that Consumer Reports had very negative reviews re: the electrical system.
A 2005 BMW was the same price, CR car of the year for x-many years. Mint condition. We bought the beemer.
And now, I often feel guily driving around my neighborhood. I feel like I have to retell the car-purchase decision to justify it.
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I’m in a weird situation of having double-ended guilt. After seven years between jobs, I finally have a part-time low-income gig (it’s a start) that’s nowhere near my skill level. I have a Bachelor’s degree in a field that’s a tad dormant at present so jobs have been scarce. I’m blessed to have this job at all.
But because of the layoffs and other complex circumstances, I found myself broke and impoverished for the first time in my life.
Ironically, I also became the owner of three properties without the money to support them: one was my own home, and two were inherited. Thankfully, one has sold; the other will soon be on the market (I only need one, right?) I also inherited a cream-puff Buick luxury car with hardly any miles on it. Totally not my style, but… it’s newer and runs well, so who’s arguing?
But during my three-year period of being house-rich and cash-poor, I felt very strange claiming abject poverty while driving around town in a luxury car, living in a NICE neighborhood, and having all the appearances of being “OK” financially.
I felt guilty asking for assistance, because I had plenty of non-monetary stuff that “real” (perhaps “chronically” is a better word) poor people didn’t have–therefore I didn’t feel I really deserved public assistance, even for a short time (because, of course, my poverty was a temporary visit, not a permanent condition).
OTOH, I felt guilty for having stuff, because I hadn’t worked for it myself, therefore I hadn’t “earned” it. And with a college degree, I don’t feel like I “should” be applying for jobs that might be the only option for those without degrees. Then again, I have to eat, too, and food costs the same at the market whether you’re paying with cash, credit or stamps, right?
I’m not sure how I’m dealing with it, as I’m still working that out! But I’m finally on better ground financially, and I’m aiming to be earning on the same level as I look like I’m living.
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Seriously, what is there to feel guilty about? You’ve done nothing wrong. Instead, you’ve learned from mistakes and done things right. I understand that you may “feel” guilty. But could it be that the guilt is really just a cover for something else?
I would think that when you start acquiring things that you used to see as symbols of overspending, some part of you still worries that you are living beyond your means. Intellectually, you know that you aren’t.
But when you’ve gone for many years without spending on frivolous items, I don’t know how you can change that attitude about it. After all, you wouldn’t be able to afford that Mini Cooper, if you hadn’t altered the way you view that kind of spending beforehand.
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J.D.,
Unless we’re talking about international-level banking, I do not feel that wealth is a zero-sum game. In other words, your financial winning does not automatically mean that someone else like your little brother is doomed to financial losing. That opportunity is still there for him. Perhaps some of the guilt comes from a mistaken underlying view of wealth as zero sum, when on the scale of individual households, I don’t think it is. The suggestion to donate to microfinance charities is interesting because it allows you to use your wealth in a way that gives the opportunity to another household to achieve the same goal. Win-Win, not Win-Lose!
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I mostly think that the taste of the freedom outweighs the guilt of being where you are.
I work for the collection department of the 2nd biggest credit card issuer in the world (To not say whom…) and what you preach is gold. Most clients that I’m talking to are not builders there are simply copying whatever what their parents did, without even creating their own opportunities or personalities. They hardly make any decision, they simply react, which is the difference between achievers and followers.
There is a song I like to hear out when I’m a bit down, I truly think the title speaks for itself ; “Life Is What You Make it” – by Talk Talk. It really applies to a lot of what happens to one’s life.
Your choices paved the way of where you currently are and your future decisions will continue to do the same, positive or negative. So if the person next to you decides to live the way he wants to live, despite your best advices, like John Lennon said, “Let it be”. They should act the same towards your life, but we all know that human beings aren’t made the that way.
If ever the consequences of your act attract some criticism or jealousy from peers and people around you, I always like to refer to Jesus or the Buddha, who even with the message of love that they had, had people wanting to end their lives. So focus on the love and be free!
(Sorry for my many mistakes, I’m a French Canadian)
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I assuage the guilt by donating both time and money to various charities. I help build playgrounds, renovate low-income housing, organize toy drives, etc. Also, since I’m a big proponent of education and helping people help themselves, I do lectures at a local college on personal finance. And when individuals manage to wear me down, I’ll do one-on-one counseling…which can sometimes drive me batty because some people are only interested in get-rich-quick schemes.
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My family is still dirt poor, and it’s a constant struggle to keep from trying to go out and “save” everyone.
I’m a teacher at a district that pays well. Most of my family still works for minimum wage, so comparatively I am considerably wealthy. I can afford vacations, a home, and a few other toys.
Personally, I think I feel a little better when I bring my family along for the ride on nicer experiences which they’d never be able to afford on their own. Obviously I can’t include all of them all the time, but I can alternate who gets to come along.
I also spend quite a bit of time and money on my favorite kind of charity which is dog rescue. There are obviously many wonderful causes out there, and we contribute small amounts of money to about 10 different charities, but my husband and I really focus on working with a specific dog rescue organization so we can see the direct impact that our money and time has on one life at a time.
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My parents immigrated from Europe in 1953 with not too much more than some suit cases of clothes, as many immigrants did at that time. We lived in rural Southern Alberta on a small farm where we grew our own veggies and raised our own livestock. I remember spending summers shelling peas, shucking corn, canning, freezing, baking, etc, etc. We threw very little away and recycled all kinds of things. I don’t know specifics but I’ve got a pretty good idea of what my parents’ net worth is now and I’m seriously amazed. They saved and lived very simply all of their life so they could retire and take it easy.
But… habits, good or bad, are hard to break. My parents still live a very simple life. Even though they’ve amassed this huge next egg, they still don’t even spend the pensions they get each month. They are still saving, without even trying. My mom’s been wanting to spend money more freely but my dad doesn’t. After a lifetime of frugality, he has such a hard time loosening the purse strings. (This has caused more than a few arguments between them.) They are in their 80′s now and their health is good but they will never enjoy retirement as we hoped they would.
I guess my point is that we’re trying hard to form good financial habits and be frugal but you also have to learn to enjoy what you have before it’s too late. I’ll probably get a nice inheritance one day and I could certainly use it but I would much, much rather have seen my parents enjoy their retirement more than they have been. I’m finally figuring things out on my own and I’ve come to understand that it takes awareness and time to manage money wisely and struggling is part of the journey that I can’t skip.
But, I’m still going to enjoy a latte, once in a while. And when I have one, boy, does it ever taste good…
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feelings of guilt are normal and they will always be there as long as there is a gap between the haves and have nots. and i think that there is nothing that anyone can do about it. if one gives to charities and to the less fortunate, then it means that you are a good steward with the resources that were given to you. the guilt of buying things that few people have and may never own is a feeling that i know all too well but i have learnt to live with it. i think that those seemingly uncomfortable feelings keep us grounded and are a measure of our humanity
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Your blog, following it, was actually incredibly helpful to me in climbing out of debt. “I have no words but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks…”
On the other hand, I was recently fortunate enough to be able to offer a room to a friend of my daughter’s whose parents were unable to offer housing due to their own homelessness (I already house and board a college friend of mine who makes less than she spends on transport to and from her work as a server in a diner… thanks, Mr. Pink!) When filling out paperwork for my daughter’s friend to get into the local education system yesterday, I was required to divulge my total assets, and now my kid is furious with me because I am not buying a new winter wardrobe for her friend, citing my indicated preference to work until I drop in the traces and saying she would rather see people clothed adequtely than go to college and isn’t her college fund hers anyhow?
A talk is in order, I think.
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I wanted to say I don’t make too much money in a year. When others commented here about their income being sizeable I’m assuming at least $50,000+ per person. Well I would venture to say I only make say $30,000 pretax.
I none the less feel more fortunate and as a result guilty for my position. I don’t carry any credit card debt. And don’t have student loans at the age of 26 I feel fortunate that I can put sizeable portions of what I do make into savings after rent. I get to live out on my own withot being lavish and at the same time feel financially stable.
To add to that fact I’m a hard worker and nothing was handed to me my family was not rich nor middle income for that matter. But lately I have begun to create a secondary source of income. Yes this means I work on average more than 60 hour weeks as a result and have been able to increase my income possibly by 50% but even though this extra income did not come for free and I work extra hard for it I feel guilty that others don’t have an option to create extra income.
Take for example today I was able to bring my girlfriend shopping because she earned it. I saw an older lady at a clothing store mopping the floor. Yes I know it’s better that she even has a job during these rough times yet I can’t help to feel a little guilt she works so hard herself and yet may earn less than I do.
Also I feel bad when I walked by a few stores in the mall and they appear extra empty. And while I do know the poor reversal of the economy led to less shopping it will also adversely affect these people. I know that my ability to save is keeping money out of these store owners pocket and it must be causing them extra stress too at the end of the month if they don’t make lease and rent bills. I wish I could buy from them sometimes but it would drive me away from my saving habits further yet I feel guilty. I guess this is a personal confession and I am glad I had this medium to express it because other than my girlfriend I don’t feel that my other friends see or relate to my viewpoint.
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Hi J.D.,
I don’t doubt you feel some guilt about the status of others, but as previous commentators have said you probably feel some uncertainty, too.
I wonder if the uncertainty isn’t so much that it could all be taken away from you, but about who you are now you have this money?
More than most, you have identified your personal life with your financial well-being. You have contributed an outstanding blog to the field of personal finance, based on your journey out of debt and into financial security.
In recent posts you have been making the transition to living with wealth. That’s logical and sensible I think — better than going back down the hill to debt again!
But it’s also natural that this transition will make you nervous.
Your blog will surely amplify what are natural feelings anyway.
What will your readers think of this future you? Few, after all, will have come so far while you’ve been posting. Would you tell the truth about bigger, more luxurious purchases in the transparent way you blogged about paring down your cocoa consumption? How much of your new stability is based around the identity of you as J.D. the debt-beating blogger, due to GRS’s success?
I don’t have answers to these questions, and I hope they don’t come across as too pop-psychological.
In short: I think this would be a normal transition for anyone, but you’re going to have to live your transition out in public, which will bring extra pressures.
The history of GRS strongly suggests you’re up to them!
Good luck.
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This post reminds me of a discussion I once had with my best friend over the difference between jealousy and envy. Jealous people see someone in a nice car and think, “Man, I wish I could afford one of those. Maybe one day!”
People green with envy look at the same person and think, “If I can’t afford that car, he shouldn’t get to enjoy it either!” In other words, they don’t admire your success and want to work for it themselves. Rather, they assume you built your wealth on someone else’s back and are flaunting it by driving that nice car.
It’s this envy that is perpetuated by the media, thanks in part to the many corporate scandals recently, that is fueling the guilt amongst those who are successful. What’s lost is that many of the world’s wealthiest people are also the greatest givers.
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Buying yourself something is perfectly fine as long as you see it as a treat for all your hard work. When you identify yourself and your ego is attached to the new object (ex:car) that usually spells trouble. A car is just metal on rubber. In the long run it will not make you a better or happier person.
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I´ve read this blog for a long time and i love this blog! you write in a way that really helps me. For instance, a co-worker told me to never buy a cup of coffee, because it´s so expensive, but instead she puts her money on thing I never would. “Do what works for you”
I live in Europe, and because of that some of your posts are not applicable here. I will soon take debt, because I want to have surgery done that improves my life very much. No one pays for that surgery, but I think it´s so important that it´s worth borrowing money for. I have some savings, but not enough. I want to have that surgery done as fast as possible, that is why I don´t want to wait until I have saved enough money. I am ready to wait and save in advance for everything else, but not this. I will leave a small emergency fund and use all of my other savings for the operation. In addition, I still need to borrow about 3000 euros. what do you think about this, from a financial perspective?
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Like Sherry (#13), I think you no way should feel guilty for what you’ve achieved by hard work and planning.
In fact, I’d argue that this type “false guilt” is at the root of many problems in our society.
So many people these days have no idea of the principle of cause and effect. They think that affluence falls out of the sky and lands randomly on this or that person–they don’t connect the reward to anything they personally do. While it is true that some people work hard and end up poor, it is just not true 99% of the time.
So by all means volunteer, donate, and give back. But please, reject that guilt! You have nothing to feel guilty for.
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I don’t feel guilty about spending money on my own favorite indulgences–such as buying “better” seats to a concert when I already have good ones in hand–if my finances allow me to then be able to turn around and do something wonderful like hand my “good” seats to a random mom & kid who’d only been able to get seats at the very back of the theater. I end up enjoying the experience twice as much bc I have the joy of seeing someone else made happy as well as the pleasure of the concert itself.
This is what I enjoy most about having money–being able to do nice things for the people and organizations that I care most about, or being able to randomly surprise someone with kindness. When I’ve been on a budget, my scale has been limited to picking up the occasional tab or making a small yearly donation to the humane society. But as I get better at saving, and have a better handle on my “luxury” spending, I find that I have more opportunities to share my good fortune with others. If I do treat myself to something non-essential, such as a larger tv or a new car, I don’t feel guilty about enjoying it, b/c I know that I do a lot to help other people out.
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I can totally relate to your post, since I’ve been expert at feeling guilty almost all my life.
Here’s how I’ve conquered my guilt:
1. Ask yourself: if your guilt had an purpose, what would it be?
I’ve learned that we think what we think and feel what we feel because one part of us believes that it is good for us to think/feel that way — that it saves us from something bad or gives us something good.
I used to feel guilty because it made me feel like a better person.
(Just like I used to constantly worry about everything because I believed it would save me from making mistakes.)
2. Ask yourself: if I weren’t feeling guilty, what kind of person would I be?
By feeling guilty I tell myself that I’m not an insensitive and selfish person. Which is of course ridiculous — especially when you’ve done something RIGHT.
Just the fact that you don’t want to live the same kind of miserable life people around you live (because you’ve already experienced it and didn’t like it), doesn’t make you insensitive, greedy, arrogant, selfish or anything bad. It makes you smart — and human.
If you look at the babies, you’ll notice that all they want is to feel good — they’ll cry until they get what they want (food, sleep, cleaned up). And isn’t that what we all want? Wouldn’t it be really stupid to want to feel bad for your whole life? I personally believe it would.
3. Stop saying that you’re lucky or fortunate — no, you’re not.
You didn’t win in a lottery or inherited tons of money. You re-evaluated your life, worked hard on yourself, changed habits and made better choices. You followed your heart and seized the opportunities that were given to you. You made it all happen, not luck.
If you look at REALLY closely to the lives of those “less-fortunate” around you and really evaluate their choices and actions, you’ll notice that they’re not less fortunate than you are. They just weren’t willing to make as good choices as you did.
They might have been offered even better opportunities than you were, yet they never took them. They didn’t take responsibility for their own actions but blamed everything else, including bad luck, for getting the life they created with their poor choices.
Yes, one can always argue that they might have had bad upbringing or were born with a smaller IQ etc. that made it harder for them to see what they’re doing wrong and do something about their lives — BUT you can always find examples of people who had it even worse and still were able to make the best of their talents and resources and are now living a happy and fulfilling life.
And even if it really wasn’t someone’s fault that they’re doing worse than you’re, it’s not your fault either!!!
You can feel guilty even after the cows come home, but it doesn’t make their lives any better — it doesn’t even make them feel better or like you more. Nor does feeling guilty make your life any better — only makes you enjoy it less.
4. Understand that by enjoying the fruits of your labor, you’re actually helping other people.
By being proud of your accomplishments and really enjoying the life you’re now living, thanks to your smart choices, you inspire others to change their lives and get what you’ve got.
Instead of feeling bad about doing what’s right and apologizing that you got what everyone wants, be willing to help others to get where you’re at. Which is exactly what you’re doing with this blog!
So keep up the good work and please motivate and inspire us all even more by showing us how much you enjoy your new life and all the resources that you’ve earned all by yourself!
Thank you so much for all the tips and inspiration you’ve given us so far!
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Thank you commenters. I wanted to make my own comment about “guilt”, but I got so much from your comments, I’d like to write about that.
All of these commenters that have acquired wealth, or some wealth, have done it by their own hard work.
And the desire to give back seems to be what we’re really all about. We now have security, wealth, comfort, how can we now help others. I don’t think we feel guilty because we have this wealth, it’s that we yearn for others to have a better life.
It really is a matter of perspective. My son is in prison. I was surprised to hear him say that each day he gets on his hands and knees and scrubs his cell. (Because of so much disease.) I told him, even in his dire circumstances, to find ways to be thankful everyday.
It seems that it’s all about gratitude.
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Interesting topic, JD. DH and I have been in phase 3 for a while. I have some guilt for being well-off while others aren’t. Different reasons, though, I think:
– I feel guilty when I had advantages others didn’t — I won the birth lottery in most ways that counted. Most causes I support are about disadvantaged people in less-secure parts of the world, and for improving educational opportunities for children.
– I feel lucky when we are equally smart and worked equally hard (or they were smarter and worked harder), and things worked out better for me for reasons no one could reasonably foresee. (20 years in software development, and haven’t been laid off yet.)
– I feel admiration when the others have come from disadvantaged backgrounds, had vision, and worked harder than I could imagine making it to a level of security and comfort. (Two of my SILs from the Philippines.)
– I DON’T feel guilty for anyone who started where I started, didn’t work very hard, didn’t step out of their own comfort zone, and rewarded themselves every stop of the way. Nope. (Thinking about various family members at this point.)
One more thought — because I have no way of knowing where most people came from or how they got to where they are now, I allow myself the twinge of envy looking at someone’s cool toys, and a nudge of gratitude/guilt hearing about a foreclosure or catastrophic illness or job loss. Then, I either try to do something constructive or let it go.
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Oh and three resources that relate to these questions:
Dan Gilbert’s talks on happiness at TED:
- http://www.ted.com/speakers/dan_gilbert.html
Brian Tracy, Luck factor -audio program
- http://www.nightingale.com/prod_detail~product~Luck_Factor.aspx
Paul McKenna, I can make you rich -book
- http://www.amazon.com/Can-Make-You-Rich-Book/dp/0593055373 (US)
- http://www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Make-You-Rich-Book/dp/0593055373 (UK)
—
And I forgot to mention that yes, I understand that if someone is born in the worst ghetto of L.A. or at a refugee camp in Africa, they probably won’t achieve the same amount of money as easily as someone who was born in a dirt-rich western family, but that doesn’t mean that they couldn’t feel wealthy and happy, if they had the right outlook on life and used their resources better.
I’ve met a happier kid in the worst ghetto of Rio de Janeiro than in a rich family here in wealthy Scandinavia, because he enjoyed what he got and didn’t feel bad for what he didn’t have.
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Hey JD,
You can feel less guilty about what you have if you appreciate it and don’t take it for granted.
You don’t see yourself as better because you have bigger stuff. You embrace what you have, and are happy to use it, but you appreciate it. You really appreciate it; not just saying you’re not taking it for granted aloud or to others, but feeling it deep inside. You don’t get used to having it, and continue to work at it to make it better. The same can go for great relationships when you see others around you with unfulfilling ones.
I’m sure it takes longer for some to feel less guilty than others, but that appreciative mindset can help to speed up the process.
It was great to read your personal experience with the guilt of wealth, thanks for sharing,
Oleg
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I’ve not read through all of the comments because I wanted to express my own thoughts.
I feel guilt when I’ve done something wrong.
I feel badly when someone else points out that I should be doing something I don’t want to.
I feel uneasy and badly when presented with someone else’s jealousy over my perceived wealth.
I grew up in a family with money. My father’s parents were quite wealthy – enough so that when grandpa died he donated $50 million to the hospital he worked at so they could open a teaching wing. My mother’s side was middle-class and wanted for very little.
I was taught to not bring attention to myself, to not explain why our family lived as we did. Instead, I was to be generous with the extra dollar I had in my pocket, I was to share the extra I had in my coffers. The extra being that which is left over after taking care of my needs.
Today, as a grown woman, I have very little financially. My husband of 19 years has learned to ‘not spend’ but not to save – so that is up to me. He comes from hard working farm life and is still uncomfortable around money – not as much anymore, but it is still there. So I don’t tell him how much is in savings, just that there is enough to get us throught the next month – that is all he is comfortable having on hand.
I started my own business last year. Had saved the cash for 1 year of business expenses, 1 year of housing expenses should husband not be able to work for some reason.
I shake my head at those who wish I were poor and had come from poor circumstances. I don’t wear the hairshirt well – it itches too much.
Once our needs are met, we give generously to those who are in need. We don’t tell others where or to whom we give. I walk away from people who believe they’re entitled to my money and to someone else’s money.
I’ve been called selfish, unconcerned, lacking compassion, and other not so nice things – because I didn’t give my money to the areas those people believed I should.
Then, once some people realized where we gave our money, time and efforts to, they turn right around and talk nice about us.
Money is a tool for living. It is one of many tools in the toolbox that comes in handy in a variety of ways. I’ve lived on both sides – wealthy and one time we were homeless. I prefer wealthy and that is what I’m working toward. I like it when there is plenty of food, water, clothing, transportation. I put money in the same toolbox – I like it when there is plenty of money.
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I was just thinking about this yesterday. This very topic. Why?
Let me explain. I just took a vacation to Crete. I earned the money teaching English. I looked for the best deal and had saved enough for my two daughters and myself. I went with a lady from our church who has no family and needed someone to travel with since her health doesn’t allow her to travel by herself. I live in Poland so it’s not like it’s as far as from the states and I could do the whole thing (flight, hotel, food) for approx. $600 each. I had saved the money diligently for over a year, often teaching in inconvenient times and ugly weather when I’d rather be at home.
Yesterday I went to see a lady who has 3 children, a husband who is sick and apparently in a lot of pain and recently lost his job. They have a nice flat screened tv, but it’s not all paid for, I found out. Her husband lost his job recently and they are in danger of losing their housing to a worse situation (they are in public housing, but can be moved to worse public housing that doesn’t have running water even though they personally installed the running water and bathroom in this place years ago with their own money). I found out on the 16th they will have some visitors who may come and take their tv in order to pay the unpaid balance of their rent (about as much as one of cost to go to Crete)–about $600.
As I left their house, I felt a bit guilty. Why? I fight it. I fight in my mind…I could pay this lady’s unpaid balance. should I? We don’t even own a flat screen tv. If she had not purchased the flat screened tv, she’d have that money (theoretically, though probably not really) to pay the rent they owe.
I just don’t know what the right thing is. I do feel “lucky” in the sense that I was born an American with English as my native language. I can get paid almost $15-20/hour just for conversing in English so people can practice with a native speaker.
The other question is…what will this help help? If I pay the balance this time, will it just be a matter of 3 months til the next crisis? What is to be done as a more permanent solution? Can the husband, who has developed a severe physical problem, get put on some sort of disability that might help? The wife just had a baby 2 weeks ago and can’t work right now.
I’ve often wished I could help people by providing work. That is what they really need. JOBS so they can pay their own pay. Unfortunately here in Poland jobs for the unskilled seem in short supply.
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