Stop Being the Person You Think You Are
How’s your life going? Do dark nights of the soul outweigh the good days? Have you spent more time than you care to acknowledge wishing for something — anything — other than what you have?
Get over it.
It’s not that simple, obviously. But in order to move in the direction you desire, you need to stop being stuck in the place where you are right now. Specifically, you need to stop being the person you think you are.
That may be the person you were told to be, or the person you were told you should be but could never quite achieve. We fixate on being what our parents want, what our partners want, what society wants. Never mind whether it’s what we want.
A particularly disturbing example is each year’s crop of new grads. I’m betting a whole bunch of them took out tens of thousands in student loans because they were told — directly or indirectly — that college is What One Does.
As soon as they hit high school the adults in their lives — parents, teachers, guidance counselors — told them to view all choices (classes, clubs, volunteer work) in terms of how those decisions would affect their college portfolios.
They didn’t go to college because they knew what they wanted to study, or because they had specific plans on the kinds of work they wanted to do. They went because they were expected to go.
Understand: I’m not anti-college. I’m anti-blind-behavior.
Afraid to speak up
How many of those students would have been better served by a “gap year,” or a stint in trade school or the military? Or a year of full-time work with an eye toward banking every dime for that eventual college or trade school, or a shot at entrepreneurship?
How many new moms secretly want to go back to work but are afraid to say so? There’s a lot of pressure to stay home, especially if you’re considered to be someone who doesn’t “have” to work. Conversely, how many working women wish they could be home but worry about giving up their positions even for a little while, lest they derail the careers they love (and potentially jeopardize their retirements)?
How many people realize they’re in the wrong careers but are too scared to change? A high-school classmate who was great at math (but who loved writing more) became an engineer because her father and teachers thought she should.
After a few years she quit and went back to study journalism. Great: Two sets of student loans! If she’d been encouraged to have a say in her own education, she might have opted for j-school at the beginning.
Yes, I know that’s a dying industry. But it wasn’t always. She could have had a great couple of decades (just as I did) and then reinvented herself (ditto).
What’s expected of us
Having spent more years than I’d like to admit on autopilot, I’m frustrated when I see people stuck in what they think is expected of them. Or, worse, stuck in what they think are their only options. For far too long I felt stymied by what I felt I had to do vs. what I wanted to do.
A lot of what I thought I had to do was for other people. It’s what I call the Curse of the Mom. We spend so much time taking care of everyone else’s needs that we think we’re not allowed to have any of our own.
There’s probably a corresponding Curse of the Dad, or more specifically the Curse of the Man. You guys face conflicting messages, too: Be strong, but be sensitive. Be there for your kids, but earn a lot of money in case your wife wants to stay home. (And if you want to stay home, prepare damned well for that particular uphill battle.) While I still believe that the world is a male-dominated playground, plenty of guys would love to jump off the “real man” merry-go-round.
How to get started?
How can any of us stop circling on someone else’s idea of what we should be? Preparing for change will look different to everyone, but could include one or more of the following:
- Career counseling
- Life coach
- Vision mapping
- Continuing education
- Hiring a Certified Financial Planner (to see if what you want is even remotely possible)
It sounds a bit glib to say, “If your life isn’t working, change it.” I know from personal experience that it’s not that simple, and that it may take several tries — and several years — to see much progress.
But to paraphrase J.D., nobody cares about your life more than you do. In fact, some of the people in your life have a vested interest in your not changing:
- The supervisor who’s relied on (and maybe even exploited) you will not be thrilled if you ask for a different career path within the company.
- The spouse who’s accustomed to you being at home to take care of everything might drag his or her heels when you suggest a return to the workplace.
- The parents who pushed you to go to college might react fairly viscerally if you bring up the possibility of HVAC training.
It’s tough to go against all that conditioning. Ultimately, you have to decide how much of your life will be defined by other people’s expectations.
Change is growth
Note: I am not suggesting drastic, self-centered measures. Other people may have skin in the game, especially if your actions directly affect them. But saying, “This isn’t what I want, and I would like your help in exploring possibilities” is not the same as announcing, “Guess what, honey, I quit my job and bought a boat so we can sail around the world and home-school the kids!”
You might very well decide to postpone major changes. For example, if one more year at home would mean all your kids are in full-time school you might stick it out another 12 months. If another two years in a dull job would set you up financially, you might decide to put your head down and soldier on.
But while you fulfill these obligations you can also take steps to realize your eventual dreams. Take classes. Apply for small-business loans. Price equipment. Network within your chosen profession. Research the best ways to set your plans in motion.
Change is hard. Change can hurt. But change is growth, and change is necessary.
Prepare as best as you can for the inevitable resistance. But keep this thought in the forefront: Other people’s ideas of who you are have kept you where you don’t want to be. Only you can decide how much of your life will be given up to someone else’s expectations.
Become A Money Boss And Join 15,000 Others
Subscribe to the GRS Insider (FREE) and we’ll give you a copy of the Money Boss Manifesto (also FREE)
There are 100 comments to "Stop Being the Person You Think You Are".
Throughout childhood and student days it is easy to be ambitious and keep an open mind. I have been working fulltime a year and already find myself going towards autopilot. Personally I use goals and ‘vision maps’ to avoid becoming board and stale. That and my side project/hustle – savvyscot
Ooooh… I like the sound of “vision maps”.
This comment really resonated with me… I have the job I want.I enjoy it, but like you say it all feels a little stale.
Wow. This article really speaks to how I’m feeling these days — the conflict between continuing my unstimulating job (for the sake of a solid paycheck) and changing course to pursue something I’m actually passionate about. Thanks, Donna!
I agree with this in part, but the idea that a career, a job, a life is always going to match up with your dream is, in my mind, naive.
But, I do agree that if your career is not going the way you want or thought it would, it does make sense to see if you can find satisfaction on the side (without giving up your paycheck and employer sponsored insurance and retirement plan) or get guidance from a life or career coach. I had a friend who really wasn’t happy in her profession (the same profession I am in) and she tried a variety of tricks, downsizing size of company she worked for, jumping ship all together, before she tried career counseling and she is now happy in a new but related profession (meaning all those years of school and experience were not tossed out the window).
I agree. Sometimes it is obvious that a career isn’t the proper fit for someone. But you might need to make sure that you aren’t searching for an ideal that doesn’t exist. Job satisfaction can be similar to materialism…always looking for something new when you get bored with what you have. Perhaps there are occasions when you need to teach yourself to be content and stay put.
Thank you Donna;
Great post, well said!
It’s good to question whether we live the life we live for ourselves or for others’ expectations.
But sometimes it’s not as bad as it may seem. Imperfect though it may be, the life we have might just be better than that of 99% of the world’s population.
A lot of it has to do with not knowing how a particular job, career, home city, major, or life interest will turn out. The longer you’re in it, the more expensive (in money and other terms) it is to make a change.
I used to be gung ho in my younger days to chase dreams for no other reason than “it could be the best thing ever.” Some of those were a bit like a dog chasing a bus: did I really like it once I caught it?
Looking back, not all of those changes were better. Sometimes putting up with a few imperfections in the status quo is not the end of the world. Saying that doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s true. Sometimes a “good life” has ebbs and flows of excitement. And responsibilities. Sometimes happily ever after is but a quiet night home. Sometimes we take for granted the good things we have. Sometimes our happiness depends more on how we view things than the things themselves. Sometimes.
Here’s the problem: how do you know the next change will work out better than the last one? (It’s the same decision maker.) There is no guarantee. And so it boils down to: how bad is this life I have?
Yes, there’s value in taking stock every now and then, and talking out the dreams, the what-ifs and the castles in the air with any and all significant others. New Years is a great time for that.
But… unless the status quo is hell, staying put with a tweak or two can be as rewarding that “that next new thing.” At much less cost.
While it’s good to challenge our own thinking, it’s important to not overlook the good things in the status quo we so easily take for granted…
I very much agree with William. There are some good points in this blog, but some people never settle, they chasedreams all their lives and defend it in the name of the pursuit of happiness.
Donna’s friend who spent decades in engineering before turning to journalism shouldn’t be pitied. It was obviously where she wanted to be at that time. Her happiness and Donna’s happiness are two different things. I think Donna’s insinuation that those were wasted decades is way off course. Perhaps the woman was raising a family at that time and liked the benefits/pay she received during those years.
I also really wonder about anyone thinking society is putting some huge pressure on us to conform to anything. This is 2012. Have you looked out the window? There seem to be absolutely no limits, whatsoever, in our ability as a society to be totally self indulgent.
I certainly think we should have goals and plans, but I don’t think “society” is stopping us.
I’m afraid you mis-read the piece. She spent several years — not decades — in the engineering field before quitting. (She did not marry or have kids, either.)
I’m glad that you don’t feel constrained personally, but “society” still DOES have an impact on many people. Here’s one example: Check out an at-home-mom message board sometime and read the flamin’ flames sent out toward women who don’t “have” to work and how utterly selfish they are are being by not staying home 24-7. Then imagine versions of those comments from one’s own spouse, family, friends and co-workers. That’s a whole lotta negativity to stand up against.
Or imagine being a guy who wants to be home with his kids, or to quit his prestigious job and start a small business. His masculinity, responsibility and sanity will be questioned and derided, fairly ruthlessly.
How nice if all of us could just brush off that sort of pressure and hold true to our own inner compasses. But not all of us can. (Ask me how I know.)
I’m sorry but this really sounds as if anybody who is unhappy in their life choices, or whose choices are not validated, gets to blame it on pressure from someone else.
And your high school friend is your age, and it sounds like she just now turned to journalism. That indicated to me that she had spent decades in engineering.
“Or imagine being a guy who wants to be home with his kids…. His masculinity, responsibility and sanity will be questioned and derided, fairly ruthlessly.”
Ooh, ooh, that’s me! I was “called out” for taking advantage of my wife on a travel nurse forum (I posted there because I dealt with the agencies, setting up contracts, etc.), though a few emailed me privately asking for pointers so their husbands could do the same thing. Wife’s side of the family thinks I’m a freeloader. My dad…well we don’t talk anymore, partly due to him saying I should “man up and get a job.” Now, if I were the one working, and my wife was taking care of the house and kids…I don’t think people would have the same reaction. I bet our son’s teacher wouldn’t ask my wife if she was currently looking for a job when she said she was a stay at home mom (side-note…his teacher is really awesome…it was just a bit unexpected to be asked that).
At this point in time, this is what works for us, societal pressures be darned! If we lived our lives the way everyone keeps telling us we should…well there’d be nothing wrong with that life per-se, but it just wouldn’t be the right life for US.
“(Ask me how I know.)”
Ok…how do you know?
I understand your point, but I’m not sure there is a “society.” Use of the term in quotes makes it sound like “society” is talking with one voice, pointing people in one direction. To me, what I see is such an increase in vitriol to anybody who makes a different decision than the commentor made. Women who go to work are told they are not “raising their children.” Women who stay at home I’m sure have seen negative things against them, including statements criticizing their decision to stay home in case their dh leaves them. I haven’t seen many subjects where people can just accept that others have a different POV: to nurse or bottle feed; to co-sleep or CIO; to work or stay home. It would be wonderful if we could all just get along and listen to other POVs without all the negativity . . .
@Josetann: One way I know is that I spent far too many years in a bad marriage, afraid to stick up for myself, in part because of social pressure.
Ultimately I got out. Not everyone does.
Even if you disagree that there are uniform messages coming from all of “society,” I would think you could at least recognize that individuals experience pressures from smaller communities they are a part of (e.g., family, high school friends, counselors). Maybe people in your neighborhood pressure kids to join gangs. Or maybe it seems everyone in school is getting married and having kids right away. Or maybe your family is all of a bunch of doctors, so there’s pressure to join in. It’s not that everyone perpetuates or succumbs to these frameworks, but just that we need to recognize the assumptions under which we operate and make sure our directions in life are a result of conscious decision-making and not just whatever is easiest/most obvious.
Yes. That.
This is in response to your second comment, which included the phrase “…it sounds like she just now turned to journalism.” Again, you mis-read the post, which says that after a few years in engineering she quit.
Some people who are not happy DO blame pressure from others, and there’s some validity in that. What I’m suggesting is that you take that awareness to the next level: How much more of your life is going to be dictated by other people’s expectations of how you should be living it?
“How much more of your life is going to be dictated by other people’s expectations of how you should be living it?”
I’d say the number is 0.1%, outside of our core family (i.e. myself, spouse, and kids).
Let’s say I was truly 50/50 on a major decision, such as whether to stay put at our home in Tennessee or go off to Australia for a bit. I’m completely on the fence. Certain family members tell us that we should not, under any circumstances, go to Australia. Ok, then we’ll stay home. But if our desire to go vs stay is so much as 51% vs 49%…then we’re gonna go, and our (extended) family will just have to deal with it.
I know I know…but what about obligations, family members in failing health, kids won’t get to see grandparents as much, etc. That was already factored into our decision. I’m saying that the huge guilt-trip that’s laid on us is worth, at most, 0.1%.
I have a brother much like your friend. He was good in math and our parents thought engineering would be a good career for him. So he got a BS in Mechanical Engineering and an MS in Industrial Engineering. He worked for the Army Corps of Engineers for maybe six or eight years until he couldn’t take it anymore and quit. Since then he has done many different jobs, none of which required a college degree. He will be 64 in November and seems very happy with his choices. He is not very communicative, but I suspect he has saved and invested well and is set up to enjoy retirement in another year, or maybe he will choose to keep working, but I don’t think he will have to keep working like so many other boomers.
I always love Donna’s articles, and this one is no exception. But it’s the first time she made me cry! I am SO stuck in my life that it seems there is no way out. With five kids, I long to stay home with them and be a full-time mom, but it’s impossibly out of reach with a husband who has been refusing even to look for a job for more than six years now. : ( He knows how unhappy I am (because I can also tick the “chose the absolutely wrong career” box on Donna’s list as well), but it makes no difference. I tried asking if I could do it even for a year or two (not forever!) but no dice.
Thank you for letting me vent, Strangers on the Internet. : ) And now it’s back to work.
How can a husband refuse to look for a job, if one needs to put food on the table? I do not understand this.
how can a husband refuse to look for a job, and expect to stay married? what are you teaching your kids???
no judgement, no advice, just sympathy. You’ll get there, just keep going.
In the traditional sense, the man works and the woman stays home. In today’s reality, that has shifted. I know of a few families where Mom goes to work and Dad stays home with the kids. They are making that conscious decision and everyone is happy. Honestly, my opinion is that if it works for that family, then so be it.
“nobody cares about your life more than you do”
Not sure I entirely agree with this statement. When you find the right person to share your life with, they may care more about your happiness than you do.
I was miserable for a long time following a path that parents, teachers, academic advisors, etc wanted for me. I went a long way down that path before Mr. PoP helped me realize that I was allowed to say no and do what I wanted. I didn’t have to get a PhD if I didn’t want to become an academic and it wouldn’t help me along another career path. I have an amazing ability to suck it up and be miserable for the sake of other people’s happiness, but Mr. PoP encourages me to put myself higher on the list – so I do think there are definitely many times when he cares more about my life than I do!
I did what I wanted…always. I didn’t listen to a think my parents told me, my family, or my guidance counselor. I joined a gang, I got expelled from 2 different highschools, I spent some time in jail (which was deserved), and I got a girl pregnant. I did what I wanted to do. I agree that a lot of people get pushed around and end up in things that they don’t like or want because they think it’s right or are convinced so…but there should be a balance there. You should listen to other people sometimes. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have been in so much legal trouble or kicked out of schools, etc.
A great way to start my Monday morning. Thank you, Donna.
I’ve been rebelling against the status quo since…hrm…probably as long as I can remember. I do occasionally try to fit in, but it seems I always end up sabotaging those efforts.
I agree 100% with today’s article. Don’t do something just because everyone else is. Put some thought into it first. If you decide to go with the flow…at least make sure it’s YOUR decision. This carries over into many other parts of your life.
Don’t buy a new car because your friends are doing it…put some real thought into it. Do you really need a car? If no…just how badly do you want it, more than an earlier retirement (or whatever else is important to you)? If yes…then go for it! If no, then hold off.
Don’t buy a bigger house because everyone else says you have to.
Don’t buy the newest gadget just because it’s been hyped up for the past week.
Etc. etc.
And please, please don’t go to college “just because.” I cringe whenever I hear someone is in college and doesn’t know what they’re majoring in. Common wisdom is to just go to college, whether you know what you want to major in or not…just get the prerequisite classes taken care of in the first two years, then really focus on what you’ll major in. Um…no. What if you want to be an electrician, or plumber? Or what if you wanted to be a nurse and an associate’s degree at a community college would have been sufficient? Hey, how about getting that two year degree for pennies on the dollar (compared to a “traditional” university), entering the workplace with little/no student loan debt and having two years’ income saved up by the time the 4yr degree people start showing up? What’s that, your company has a tuition reimbursement program that you can use to complete your bachelor’s? Triple score!
Yeah…put thought into what you’re doing and why. Even if you don’t change a single thing, at least you know you’re doing the right thing for yourself at this point in time.
An associate’s degree will get you nowhere in nursing. You now must have a bachelor’s in nursing.
“An associate’s degree will get you nowhere in nursing. You now must have a bachelor’s in nursing.”
Define “nowhere”. Ok, it may take you to the middle of nowhere, if you like Alaska (twelve months in Fairbanks, five in Anchorage). Is Australia also nowhere, because they recognized my wife’s US nursing credentials (side-note…they may now require a bachelor’s degree, I have no idea…but they didn’t two years ago). There’s still Associate’s Degree programs for RNs, so it’s got to be an option for SOMEBODY out there.
True, some hospitals are now requiring a bachelor’s degree, and even more require a certain percentage of nurses to have a bachelor’s degree or higher (so an associate’s is still the minimum to get in, but if they are already near the limit…). But still, my point was to research your options. If you want to be a nurse at a certain hospital, then call and see what the requirements are. If an associate’s degree is good enough, then that is an option. Knock out your two-year degree for mere thousands and get a two year head-start on your career. Later find out you need/want a bachelor’s? Well, hopefully you already checked this out, but if the local four-year university gives you credit for the classes you already took, then you only have two years of expensive university to attend (which you can more easily afford, since you’re already working as a nurse, right?).
I’m not saying it’s a bad idea to get a bachelor’s degree to be a nurse. Just saying it may not be the only path, and you need to do some research before you just jump right in.
Let me clarify. If you ever want to earn significant money, have any kind of responsibility, any kind of control over your work life, and any kind of professional respect, you need to have at least a Bachelor’s degree in nursing. The profession is ratcheting up the requirements for licensing, and so are the hiring institutions. You can enter the profession, sort of, without a higher degree. For now. Some places, and usually not the desirable places to work.
However, it is unlikely that you can stay in it long-term unless you stay in school — at least through a BS.N. If you want to go anywhere further professionally, you’ll need higher degrees.
If you don’t know if you will like it, start with a Certified Nursing Assistant certification, and then head up if you do. That is about a 6-week program. But don’t count on a real satisfying career if you don’t continue your education.
It is not possible to be a Registered Nurse with just an associate’s degree. Period.
Ugh, I don’t know why I’m allowing myself to get drug into this, but….
“It is not possible to be a Registered Nurse with just an associate’s degree. Period.”
Go to http://www.google.com. Type in “registered nurse associate’s degree” without the quotes. Spend some time on the results, and come back and tell me it’s not possible to be a Registered Nurse with just an associate’s degree.
“Let me clarify. If you ever want to earn significant money,”
How’s $50/hr plus $1,000 every three months for travel expenses, plus $1,000/mo car rental reimbursement, plus housing, plus all utilities? No, it’s not always that high…but so far we’ve not seen a significant (if any) difference in income due to my wife only having an Associate’s Degree. The most important thing is that she has the appropriate nursing license to work in that state…type of degree is secondary (or not even an issue…I’d say that her references were secondary, and degree was toward the bottom).
“have any kind of responsibility,”
She’s able, in fact expected, to perform as well as any other RN on her unit, regardless of degree. If you mean responsibility as far as supervisory…then she has been a Charge Nurse as well.
“any kind of control over your work life,”
We choose when and where we go. We chose to go to Australia this year, her nursing credentials were recognized. Yes, she’s studying to be a midwife, but that was not technically required for her to be a nurse here (but as there’s no such thing as an L&D nurse in Australia, she had to become a midwife to continue working in L&D).
“and any kind of professional respect,”
She has a huge stack of references from managers and coworkers praising her abilities as a nurse. I guess that takes care of professional respect.
“you need to have at least a Bachelor’s degree in nursing.”
Nope. Yes, it might make it a bit easier, and yes some hospitals may really want you to have a Bachelor’s Degree, but you shouldn’t just jump straight into a 4yr degree if you want to be a nurse. Research your options. If the hospital you want to work in absolutely requires a 4yr degree, so be it (though I’d still look into taking as many classes at a community college as would transfer over to the 4yr university).
Again, I’m not stating that a 2yr degree is the one and only way to be a nurse (or any profession). I’m just saying that you should examine your options thoroughly and take the best course of action for yourself. If you want to be a registered nurse, and can work as a registered nurse after a cheaper 2yr community college degree…I think you should absolutely consider that.
It is not always easy to balance responsibilities and needs with what you want, and you have to carefully consider all the variables before jumping in head first and making a rash decision. I work a full-time job that I don’t hate, but it isn’t the most fulfilling way to spend my days either. I spend much of my evening and weekends writing and building up my blog as a secondary source of income.
I would love to quit the day job and have the freedom to work from home and spend more time with my wife and kids, but that wouldn’t be the financially responsible thing to do. So for now I keep blogging on the side until I can build up the income to the point where we can live off it. So in terms of being who you think you are…I know what I want to do and have a plan to get there, but in the meantime I have a family to support and so the final goal is delayed a bit.
Agreed. That’s why I specifically said that I wasn’t suggesting drastic, self-centered measures. Although I don’t think people should completely ignore their own needs, current responsibilities must obviously be factored in.
Good luck with your writing.
hm… I like who and where I am
Does that mean I followed this advice already or that I’m not yet ready for it?
Amen. I wish I had read this and bought it at 17. I attended a military school I hated, in a program that wasn’t what I wanted to do. After a year, I found the nerve to walk away and spend some time working blue collar jobs before finishing an engineering degree and doing what *I* wanted to do, not my guidance counselor or my parents.
With college expenses where they are, and the salaries available to some certificate and 2-year program graduates, it makes no sense to blindly march into a 4-year college and major in what your Mom says is profitable.
I have a relative that paid cash for his trade training at the local tech school and loves his work in manufacturing automation–that he started 18 months after high school graduation. And he’s bringing home nearly double what I am as an engineer for the government and carrying student loans for my two degrees. I’m not upset, my bills are paid, and my wife and I have a wonderful home and enjoy the time that our jobs allow us to spend together. I am just pointing out that there are OPTIONS…great ones, if we can move beyond the stigma that anything other than 4-year college is a failure.
Last year a friend’s son went to college, reluctantly, for all of two weeks before getting up the courage to tell his parents, “I was never good in high school, either, and I don’t want to be here. Can you still get your money back?”
His parents, who both have college degrees, stipulated that he could still live at home if he kept working (he had a job at a pizza joint) and investigated other career options.
The young man is now in a training program with the plumbers and pipefitters union. Currently he makes more than his parents even though he’s still training, and is being counseled by the union guys to SAVE THAT MONEY vs. buying a truck or other toys. In fact, the kid is fairly frugal and is talking about buying a duplex: live in one half, rent out the other half.
Happy ending in this case, as with your relative’s. College is NOT for everyone. All I ask is that people get the best information they can and think, “Given everything I know, what is the smartest move I can make right now?”
Sometimes, the answer is not to move at all — to keep looking. College will still be there even if you start 6 to 12 months later than your peers.
Good for him and good for his parents that the kid felt he could say this is not right after those 2 weeks.
This article is very timely for me, and that first paragraph is kind of a slap to the face. The rest of the article not so much since I love my job and am in a fairly good spot financially. My problems may not involve personal finance, but I can’t just sit on my ass and expect them to resolve themselves. Nor will daydreaming about a better life work. Time to get my life in gear and on track!
The problem isn’t as much that we’re listening to what others think we should do–the problem is that few jobs, if any, have the ability for one to “try on” a job before we do it. We’re not born with a sense of what would really make us happy, career-wise or otherwise. Careers are like shoes–you need to try them on to see if they really fit. I can’t tell you how many people think they should be teachers because of summers off, etc, only to graduate with the education, get out there, do it for 3-4 years and realize they hate it. (My husband was a teacher and used to mentor new teachers) Could I be a teacher? Who knows? I’d have to try to see.
I graduated from business, anxious to get out there and put all these great ideas into practice. I LOVED my schooling. But once doing it, I realized a person who loves to shop should NOT be in retail. I spent all my money buying things I didn’t need because I was exposed to great deals all day long. There is no way I’d know that unless I tried it. I also didn’t like that most weekends and every holiday, I’d be working “overtime” (not overtime in terms of pay since I was salaried, but overtime in terms of hours). I did most of the plan resets, since it was a job done at night and I was the newest manager and was without a family. And with each promotion, I was moved to a new city, to begin the process of making friends all over again–but friends could not be those that I oversaw since I was the boss. But the biggest problem for me was the fact that for me, I felt I was encouraging people just to spend more on junk–I wasn’t contributing in a positive way to the world. My goal was to increase their spending–and it made me feel empty inside. I thought I was smart in my choices. I even interviewed tons of people in retail before I went into the field. They didn’t tell me those things–their biggest complaint was boss-related.
After the retail thing, I went into law, which I love! But there’s still lots of drawbacks. I sit all day and research and write. The hours can be long. I feel like I make a difference and help make the world a better place, but my specific field is narrow with low pay in comparison to the industry and no way to advance. Although I adore what I do, would a different field in the law be better? There is no way to find out without leaving this behind–and it is a job that I love.
I have friends that did that “gap” year–and it hurt them. They start moving into an adult world and gathering adult responsibilities–spouses, children, debt (esp a new car), etc. Then, they can’t so easily so back to school with such responsibilities hanging over their heads. And the “gap” year? It doesn’t serve to try various internships at various places to see what they want to do. It ended up where they took a job they could easily get, and got stuck in it. We need to have more opportunities those between 16-19 to try on careers, but we don’t.
Even if you choose a job you love at first, you change; your life changes. When kids come into the picture, your desire may completely alter.
“the problem is that few jobs, if any, have the ability for one to “try on” a job before we do it”
This times a million.
When I was in high school, I thought I wanted to be a doctor. Thankfully, my high school was near a hospital, and had a program set up where students could shadow doctors in a variety of fields. I got paired up with a doctor in an area of expertise that I wanted to pursue, and wound up hating it once I saw what a “real” day was like. I hated it, and I am so grateful my school had that program – it literally saved me years and $$$ in the long-run.
I think more schools should offer a shadowing/mentoring program to give students a taste for what to expect in a certain field. As a parent, I’d consider it a cost-saving plan!
Interesting that you call it “the Curse of the Mom” and then go on to say “Curse of the Dad” and “Curse of the Man,” but make no mention of “the Curse of the Woman.” Since I’m not a mom, I can’t speak about the pressure parents feel to work or stay at home, but I can speak about the pressure many women feel to have children (a decision which SERIOUSLY affects finances). It comes from all directions (family, friends, society), and I find it odd that PF bloggers rarely address this pressure.
Good point. I suppose that I think of the Curse of the Mom as interchangeable with the Curse of the Woman, given the fierce pressure for women either to procreate or to justify their reasons for not doing so.
As though the decision to have kids were anybody else’s business.
And yes, having kids DOES affect a woman’s financial security — whether or not she continues to work. Books have been written about that subject. You notice, however, that none of them ever solve the problem. 🙁
You made some great points. I think part of the problem is that true clarity is hard to come by and that no one knows for certain how a decision will turn out. The people who give us advice are trying to give us their understanding of what decisions might be best. We would be wise to listen to the voices of others and yet actively listen to our own inner voice. Yes, blind behavior is not the best but the reality is that we all operate to some degree blindly with regard to our decisions. A decision-making paradigm is probably the best way to proceed. It allows one to thoughtfully consider the major decisions in a way that keeps all the internal and external voices in the rightful place.
Love this article… How many people (myself included) go through life and don’t achieve certain dreams because of this fear.
It certainly is an emotion, one has to purposely push aside and choose not to entertain, as it is usually irrational and not based on facts or truth. Conquering this fear is the first step to personal greatness, IMO.
The last statement “Other people’s ideas of who you are have kept you where you don’t want to be.” is very spot on, but sometimes it is our own ideas that keep us from what we can be. We can achieve more than we think, but we must push ahead and make a resilient attempt.
Most people unknowingly dress themselves up in social conventions and speak from the voice of ego or of other people.
Growing up in a place where “the American Dream” is primarily based upon the idea that “more is better” makes authenticity difficult to achieve.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Paradoxically, what keeps the so-called consumer society going is the fact that trying to find yourself through things doesn’t work: The ego satisfaction is short-lived and so you keep looking for more, keep buying, keep consuming.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
#Real Talk this is the MOSTEST BESTEST article on this website…ever (so far)! Exactly what I needed will and hang at work. A great kick in the pants!
Best. Post. Ever.
Probably not, but thanks for your kind comment.
College is nothing more than an opportunity. If your mommy and daddy told you to go to college in the first place, and told you the major to take, then suck it up and recognize that that was YOUR DECISION!
No, you do not get to shove that decision off! You do not get to lie to yourself that you didn’t know there were other paths you ignored. You do not get to lay blame on your parents or society by claiming you were too lazy, fearful, confused, desperate, naive, or whatever victim label you want to put on your inability to pick a different path or major.
Your choice to go to college could have been based a lot of things. But in the end college never did, and still doesn’t, provide a guarantee for anything no matter what any salesman or pitch man (read guidance and recruiting staff) tells you. All it can provide is a path among many to an opportunity.
But guess what, who ever told you there were any guarantees in life if they weren’t trying to sell you something?
In the end you are responsible for your decisions which includes all those where you loped along on someone elses leash because you could not decide or didn’t want to put in the energy involved in an alternative. Those decisions have put you where you are now, right now. The only thing you have, is the choice on what you are going to do going forward. In that arena I agree with the advice in the article.
Couldn’t agree more.
George Elliot said “Its never too late to be who you might have been”. Follows your thoughts and makes it clear that we should not accept who we are when we can be who we would like to be. It is a matter of taking the first step and then the second, etc. It is not always easy but boy is it worth it in the end! Enjoy the journey.
Very nice article. Thanks for the quality.
One of these days I’m going to write and submit a reader story on when having a gap year between high school and college fails.
How do you find a good career counseler or life coach? I feel like all of these people look like schisters and anyone can call themselves a life coach? Is there a certification to look for? Look on yelp?
If I was looking for a career counselor, I would first read one of Nicholas Lore’s several books on careers. Pathfinder was very good but his latest was even better. He also runs or has someone run an assessment service.
First, THANK YOU for letting the world know that you don’t have to go to college. No job is less important than another, whether you have a BS, graduated from a trade school or fell into the family business.
Second, I won’t comment on my own life, because I fully acknowledge that I am a hamster on a never-ending wheel and I could get off any time I wanted. But there’s always just one more dollar to be made, one more file to finish.
I just wanted to inject what I know about a high school sophomore. The kid is “brilliant” and HAS to be in all of the advance placement classes. She needs to be on a sports team for her college applications. Her summers are spent reading, writing and researching extra schoolwork or going to athletic camps. She gets 4 – 5 hours of sleep a night because of her homework load and/or sporting events. I’ve overhead the word “medical school” numerous times. I understand this is not unusual for a lot of teenagers. And I feel sorry for them.
From someone who always did what she wanted…hmmm…like anything else, there’s an upside and a downside. And, at 65+ years old, I worked during a time of lots of opportunities, big money and now, what….so the upshot of it was for me that I had a lot of fun, didn’t suffer having to find myself, but now I’m like many other seniors, not enough retirement and an uncertain future, short as it may be compared to younger people. And why is that? Well, I think it’s because I didn’t suck it up, get a decent job in a big corporation with the pension plan, etc. Those peers of mine who did that all have more of a cushion than I do even if it didn’t end up as great as they thought it would. So, yes, if you’re pressured to do math when you really want to be a social worker, then by all means, do something about that, but if it just some vague dissatisfaction, well, that could be another form of societal pressure which these days thinks people should be “happy” about everything. Maybe that’s in place of being respected and valued at work which is sorely missing these days, but that’s a whole other subject.
What a timely article! My 2012 high school graduate daughter left, just this week, to be a nanny in Australia. Initially I struggled so much with her not going directly to college. But I’ve come to realize this is the perfect way for her to spend the next year, learning about herself and the world around her. Thanks for the affirmation.
I did the gap year abroad as well (not as a nanny though) and have to say it was the best thing I could have done at that time in my life. I was able to come back with a better appreciation of the place I had left as well as for the world around me. I was much more poised and “ready” to focus on college. You should make sure to encourage your daughter to get some time off from her duties in order to travel around and explore. She might think it is too expensive to do now, but encourage her to do it because she might not be back there for a very long time.
Reminds me of my college career: Engineering, then Actuarial Science. Only discovering now that what the labour market wants is not necessarily what will make you happy or you are good at…
Just because you can do something does not necessarily mean you should!
Donna, you are such an inspiration to me! Another great post!!! I forward your posts to people all the time because of the great-and relevant-content. I met a woman just this weekend, single with grandkids and only a few years older than me, who is selling her house and everything in it to move to Spain in January. She said she’s scared to death but more excited than she’s ever been. Realized it was time for her to do with her life what she wanted, not what every one else wanted for her.
Thanks for your kind comment. Buena suerte to your friend.
My own move isn’t quite that drastic, but…In two weeks I am loading a U-Haul and moving back up to Alaska. After 11 years away, it should be, uh, an interesting readjustment. My blood has done got thin down here in the tropics.
Even though we didn’t do anything as drastic as our friend-or you!-we moved 1000 miles in May, from Wyoming to Phoenix! Am proud to say we survived the hottest summer either of us have had to endure.
It’s true that the first step is always the hardest.
Loved this article. Back in the 70’s when I got out of high school, I absolutely bought into the idea that I had to go to college. Never mind that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to major in. I went into college thinking it was a type of job training—it turned out to be more like life training. Leaving home for the first time, and exposed to a wide range of people and experiences, left me a much better, open-minded, and well-rounded person, with greatly expanded horizons.
I never worked in the field I studied, but having a degree opened work opportunities for me. And fortunately I didn’t incur any student loans in the process.So in the end, college wasn’t a total waste for me.
I often think of that saying “Youth is wasted on the young.” In some cases, it would be “College is wasted on the young”.
While I believe we’re each worthy of finding happiness and balance in our lives, I also think we often have an inaccurate set of assumptions about what will help us find those things. I like the idea of encouraging someone to work with a career counselor or life coach, because often what we think is our dream job or life turns out to be a false start, and coaches can help us sort through these experiences. I also know people for whom working with a therapist is helpful. Sometimes, what’s needed isn’t a drastic change but a different thinking pattern. And sometimes what we need isn’t a career shift, but simply to make small changes in the life we’re already leading.
For example, I just came from a “StrengthsFinder” workshop this morning, which was all about helping my team at work learn our own and one another’s strengths and determine how to best use and strengthen those talents every day. Those kinds of personality tests can lead us to self-understanding and personal growth. I was happy to see that I’m able to use some of my top talents at my day job, but I think in some areas I’ve been feeling a little stifled. I like to learn new things and have been at my job for a few years, so I realize I need to push myself harder to find ways to exercise my talent for learning about new subjects.
A good and thought-provoking post. Thanks, Donna. I’ve read some of the comments and it definitely seems to be resonating!
In the words of Don Draper, “What is happiness? It’s the moment right before we want more happiness.”
While I agree with some of this article, I know far too many people who avoid hard work in the name of “following their dream.”
Part of the problem is that many people do not know what career they’d like to be in at the time they have to make the decision. Engineering from the inside looks very different than engineering as viewed from school. Ditto any other profession.
If you get into a high paying profession via inexpensive education (eg. engineering via a state school) you’ll be in a good position to move if/when you discover you don’t love it. If you get into a low paying profession via expensive education (eg. Harvard psych degree) then you’re in for trouble. Sometimes it’s OK to guess when you don’t know. Just bias towards something that pays.
Good article. Sometimes I look around and think “how did I get here?” Not that I don’t enjoy my life by any means, but how did I go from a ‘student’ to a full time engineer with a mortgage and a baby on the way in 4 short weeks? But, then I remember how I did get here – the decisions I, my husband, or the both of us together made. We made the best decisions we could with the information currently in front of us. That’s how we’ll keep going in the future, hopefully with the points in this article in mind.
A quote that I have on my cube wall at work is popular, but really helped switch my way of thinking as I transitioned from ‘student’ to ‘adult’, wondering what was going to happen next and ‘waiting’ for it.
“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.” -Alfred d’Souza
Love the quote. Thanks!
Another thing we don’t seem to talk about as a society is that it’s okay to have a job that’s just a job, not a grand passion. We’re always told “do what you love and never work again!” and other sorts of stuff that’s just completely unrealistic.
Sometimes I think to myself, hmmm, if I really followed my passion to the point of turning it into a career, that would end up with me in a huge amount of student loan debt, for a master’s degree that would net me not very much money. So it’s better to just stay in the job that’s just a job, and use my hobbies as my passionate outlets.
And you know what? That’s okay! I’m not passionate about my job and I plan to stick with it. There, I said it.
I could not agree more Waverly!
I don’t know very many people who are truly able to marry their passion with their career.
If you’re not lucky to be one of those people – it is OK.
Waverly, you nailed it with this comment!
I agree not everyone’s passions are going to be fruitful as a career. I’m working hard at a decent paying, but un-inspiring job in a phase of my life I refer to as “paying the dues”. Once I save enough from those dues, then I can focus on my passions without having to rely on them necessarily supporting me.
Let’s just say there’s definitely a thoughtful way of pursuing your passions as a career and a less thoughtful way. People who skip forward without a backup plan are taking big risks.
I would be very sad if I told myself I’m okay with doing the job I am currently doing, for the rest of my life. And I’d also be lying to myself. There’s nothing wrong with having a job that only pays the bills, but though I try not to be judgemental, I do feel sorry for people who are “okay” with that for the long haul.
With all of the time and life energy that’s expected out of us in our work (whether it is paper-pushing, or toilet-brushing) I desire my output to go towards something that in the end I can support and that I could leave a mark on. I mean, if I’m working on a project, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 30+ years…there’s gotta be an outstanding, fantastic, BAM kind of outcome right???
sadly, not usually with many American companies today being more profit-driven than quality-driven. It’s getting more and more difficult to find a job you respect (let alone one you’re passionate about).
A line from a TV film:
“I’m a mailman. That’s not what I *am* — it’s what I *do*.”
I agree that we are more than just our professions.
For quite a while, I wished I had taken a year off of school and discovered a little more about myself before heading to college. I would have loved to travel and eventual write travel articles. I was angry for a while that the path was too “free” for others to support…and seemingly too difficult with some medical issues to consider.
But now, looking back, I’m happy with every stepping stone I crossed to get where I am. I think it’s possible to take a journey of self-discovery even while living life. Now I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It can be hard to see that when you’re in the thick of things:
https://www.getrichslowly.org/straying-off-the-path-or-changing-direction/
Would I be wrong if I said to never, ever see education expenses as a financial investment? It leads to so many evils.
I’m one of those parents who will encourage her kids to go to college and am already contributing a little bit to their college funds. Growing up, college was just what you do, but not for the reasons mentioned. College to me and my family has always been an opportunity to continue learning; it’s not a job-training experience. It didn’t matter to me what I majored in or whether it made a ton of money. All that mattered was that I was exposed to this love for knowledge, surrounded by academia, new experiences and learning to be on my own.
I’m much changed because of college. My world views have widened tremendously from my very shallow high school days. My best friends are all from college. And I learned so much about myself, and have ignited a passion to learn, to read and keep trying. Who knows; maybe it was the way I grew up and the way I was raised that I have this desire to learn. But the college environment was right for me, and I was glad that it was something that wasn’t so farfetched in my family.
That said, I do still agree with the general premise of the article in that one shouldn’t be stuck in their roles. If you’re miserable and there’s little point to your misery, find a way to get out of your routine and expectations.
I think that you are missing the point – that a lot of people who ‘go to college to go to college’ do so under the mistaken belief that no it’s not a learning experience, it’s a gauruntee to be able to find a job that will pay off the student loans in a few years.
Yea, college is a great cultural experience – but is it one that you are willing to LOAN upwards of 100K for?
Incidentally, there is a Dear Abby post today that is in praise of people who work in the trades and discussing the labor shortage in those fields. Apparently, September 21st is “National Tradesmen Day.” http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/
There’s an old Spanish proverb that comes to mind:
“Take what you want and pay for it” says God.
I think we forget that pretty much everything we want has a price and it must be paid for and sometimes that price is the judgment of other people. Seems like a fairly small price to pay in the big scheme of things.
I like Randy Pausch’s take on it in The Last Lecture:
“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”
I wish more people embraced trade schools. I think it is a great opportunity for non-school folks. Chances are they will be way more successful with some education/guidance there than a 4-year college drop out.
One thing I found very hard to deal with as a teacher was the attitude that only kids who did well on tests and exams are “smart”. Everyone has different talents and learning styles, and many students are most successful in hands-on classes — and in hands-on careers.
Students are smart in many ways that they — and their parents! — don’t even realize.
This article is timely for me. Some great reminders. My favorite is “Other people’s ideas of who you are have kept you where you don’t want to be.”
This article could not have come at a better time. I like some of the suggestions such as having a life coach, but how does one find one? I guess Google is my friend.
I’ve been juggling with going back to school for years, but my priority was always my adult financial responsibilities. I never figured out how as an adult with adult responsibilities going to pay for it when I’m now not physically able to work full-time.
I’m so very glad that I learned early how to say “I don’t give a flying fig”.
I’ve learned to trust my gut, and that I am the type of person to make good and prudent decisions. They may seem rash to some because they can be extreme, but there is not a major decision that I’ve made without it bubbling and boiling over in my head for some time, and I always have a plan to back it up.
It seems people are reluctant to accept your way until they can see that it’s working out for you. My family only started relaxing even though I’ve been supporting my self since graduating 5 years ago, and haven’t looked back.
Though I did see them visibly clench again when I told them of my plan to accumulate mad investment properties and semi-retire in 7 years at 35 (and by “retire” I mean quitting my well-paying job to work for min wage at a non-profit I adore and am currently also working at part-time).
Even though I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life until after I got the degree, and so far have done nothing with that degree, and my near-future plans don’t require that degree, I am so very thankful and happy that I have it. I know things I wouldn’t have known or sought out to know, and I notice that people take me more seriously…and I need all the proof I can get that I’m not a crazy lady 🙂
My favorite high school graduation present is the book “Shop Class as Soulcraft” – it is such a powerful book, and such a great counter-message for someone thinking about college.
I agree that people can take different paths for their careers and as long as they are heading in a direction and are not stagnant, No matter what your age, young or old, it’s amazing what doors can be opened.
Over the years that I have met with our CPA firm clients, the common theme for successful people seems to be those that are happy with what they do for a living. They may not have the highest taxable income, but their postiive outlook on life is evident in our conversations. That is how I would define success.
There are a lot of things I wish I learned when I was younger, but one of the things I really wished I had done was door to door salesman.
I know it may sound strange, but I think about how much easier it would have been for me to get my business up and running if I wasn’t so afraid of being rejected. I believe if I was forced into a sales position as a youth where my income was based on a commission would have served me well now.
Ah well, you live and learn. And I had to learn how to sell the hard way by forcing myself to get over my irrational fears. Better late than never, as they say.
I’ve enjoyed reading this article and all the responses. I think it comes down to teaching young people to be grounded and to follow their gut feeling.
Sometimes an intuitive action or decision doesn’t seem to make sense at the time, and other people may try to talk us out of it. But we’re the ones who have to live with the consequences if we choose not to follow our inner compass.
Still, mistakes are part of life, including career mistakes. If we’re willing to learn from our mistakes, they can teach us how to trust ourselves next time.
hey Donna,
interesting & thought-provoking post.
When we really look into it, we are often our own worst enemy. through our life experience we build up all kinds of limiting beliefs including our own views about ourselves.
More and more these days the path to ‘success’ is not the traditional one, as changes in the economy and advances in technology and the online world open up new possibilities.
Living life on your own terms is really important – for your health as well as anything else – easier said than done perhaps but the least you can do, as you rightly say is not to live a life stuck trying to satisfy others expectations of you.
A while back I worked through some of the exercises in What Color Is Your Parachute? about figuring our your talents and gifts and where you could use them, and what I got out of it is that I should be right where I am now.
Awesome piece. I don’t think I’ve ever read an article and yelled “HELL YEAH” out loud before. This, along with my morning coffee, is a great motivator for tackling an otherwise auto-pilot kind of day. Thanks, Donna.
Thank YOU, Kristin.
Ditto re Imoot – I too learned early on to say “I don’t give a flying fig” despite te various pressures. My mother spent all her time nagging me to be a doctor, because the neighbor was one and so was his on. She wanted to brag. I hated sciences, and as I told her repeatedly, had no interest in working in anything related to health. I would hate it & be lousy at it. I tried a couple of things, and I always paid my own way – I have been on my own financially since I was 18, & I’m 46. No parental help, no student loans, & 3 college degrees later, I have a senior academic job I love, running a technology division at a college. If I had listened to my parents, I would hate my life. I didn’t believe them on anything – they didn’t like my first boyfriend either, solely because he was black. I also didn’t listen to them on the pressures to have grandchildren. Nor did I hang around in the crummy town I grew up in – I didn’t even stay in the country. Now? I like my life. I have no kids (always knew I didn’t want them), am happily married to a man I love (21 years & counting), have a job I love, in a great city that could never bore me (NYC). The friends I have are good. I didn’t get rich or do anything my mother is proud of. I have a tiny remodelled fishing cottage, & no car. No vacations abroad, no fancy dinners or extravagant stuff – but I go to music and sports events I enjoy. I have enough. I have decent food & adequate housing, a job I enjoy working with people I like very much, and most importantly, a husband and friends and pets whom I love and who love me. What more could I possibly want? What else matters? I consider myself incredibly lucky – & I work hard on keeping all those things good & taking care of them.
Change is hard, but waking up one day in your 60s and 70s saying “I should have tried” is going to be even harder. While I’m not at all near retirement age, I’m working to change where I want to spend the next 40 years of my life…making a switch from one career to another…
While a newspaper reporter in Alaska I interviewed a woman who asked herself that very question: Do I want to look back and wish I’d made the leap?
So she did: left a VERY nicely paid job on the North Slope, sold her condo (right before a real-estate crash, as it turned out), started work on her master’s degree in creative writing and also started writing a book. She lived on as little as possible (renting a room at a friend’s and eventually moving back in with her dad), kept plugging away and right before her money ran out sold a sci-fi novel. But she’s much better known today for her Alaska-themed mysteries.
Her name is Dana Stabenow and you should go read her stuff.
Very inspirational. I love my job, but I don’t know how much I want to continue it much longer. I have a journal I occasionally write in. My next entry will definitely be “what I want to do with my life”. Thanks for the wake up call.
If you decide to make changes, and even if you decide NOT to make changes just yet, your experience could become a Reader’s Story that outlines the process and what kinds of research, etc., that you needed to do.
Hint: It will be mostly written by the time you decide. Just vacuum it out of your journal!