As the U.S. economy enters its fourth year of turmoil, average folks continue to struggle. At GRS, we’ve shared questions and stories about people who can’t make ends meet, who are losing their homes, and who find themselves out of work. But we’ve never tackled the homeless before.
Today, though, Evan wrote with a tough situation. One of his friends is out on the street, and he feels guilty because of it. Should he help? What’s his responsibility here — financially and otherwise? Here’s Evan’s question:
I’ve read your website for years, but I ‘ve never written for advice until today. Now I could use advice from you and your readers.
I have a childhood friend who’s in trouble. I’ve known him since we were both ten. We went to school together, so I saw first-hand his rocky childhood. He never finished college, but he’s always been able to find a job until recently.
My friend just emailed to say that he’s been homeless for four days in Phoenix. I’m appalled at this. I’m sitting in my luxury condo knowing someone I grew up with is suffering. I could Western Union him some money, and probably will, but I don’t know if this is any sort of long-term help.
I’m trying to decide what I should do to help get him set up again. I can see on Craigslist that there are rooms for rent by the month in places that don’t cost much money. I just want him to have a roof over his head and some stability so he can find another job, retail or otherwise. I don’t know of any addiction problems (other than cigarettes); he never did drugs in his teens or twenties, and he isn’t a huge drinker. He’s meeting with a job counselor at the shelter soon.
Have you ever had an experience like this? With so many people unemployed and so many homeless, what do those of us who are well off do when confronted with someone we know in this position?
Have I ever had an experience like this? Not exactly.
I’ve certainly had childhood friends who ended up in trouble, financial and otherwise. (In fact, it was the death of my best friend from high school that put into motion massive changes in my life three years ago.) It’s always difficult to know how (and how much) to help.
Those from the tough love camp say, “Never lend money to family and friends. Don’t give financial help.” And, of course, they have a point. You don’t want to enable bad behavior, and you don’t want to create rifts in the relationship over a few hundred dollars. There have absolutely been instances where I’ve refused to provide financial help in cases where I thought doing so would create more problems than it would solve.
Having said that, I’m not much of a tough love type of guy. I’m a softie. If I were in a pinch, I’d hope my friends would pitch in to help me out; in turn, I usually do what I can to help those with financial problems. I take a lot of flak around here for not donating much to charity, but I’m pretty free with my money when it comes to people I know. Helping a friend with financial problems makes me feel good, and I hope it helps these friends find their footing.
What can Evan do in this case? What should he do? Only he can make that decision, obviously, because only he knows how much he trusts his friend, and only he knows how much money he can afford to lose. But surely there’s some general advice we can offer. And there are probably some GRS readers who have first-hand experience with this sort of thing.
Have you ever been homeless? Known somebody who was? What helped with the situation? What can the average person do to help a homeless friend? What would you do? Do you have any advice for Evan? Should he give his friend money? Rent him an apartment? Help him find a job? What advice can you offer?
Update!
Evan has been posting more information in the comments below. His are the highlighted comments.
Also, Becky Blanton wrote to share a TED talk she gave about the year she was homeless. Here’s a video of that presentation:
Blanton also pointed to a free e-book she created called Homeless for the Holidays.
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So many good comments already. Just one more:
A couple of years ago I had a request to borrow money from a distant acquaintance, someone I barely knew. I wanted to help her but I didn’t want to be on her regular list of people to call, every time she ran short of cash. And of course although it was a “loan”, I didn’t really expect it to be repaid. I finally decided to give her the $250 she asked for and I said, “I’m happy to loan you the money, and after you repay it, I’ll be happy to loan it to you again, any time you need it.” She took the money, didn’t repay it, but also didn’t ask for more. It seemed to be the right answer for this particular case.
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One of my friends, with whom I graduated college, was homeless before she started going to school. There’s always hope.
Couchsurfing is definitely a real possibility, though it might be tougher for someone who’s just homeless and looking for a place to stay.
I definitely offer to let anyone that needs to to stay with me, whether because they’re struggling to make ends meet, don’t feel safe where they are, or are struggling with depression and need the company. I can’t offer much financially, but I will put a roof over their head and try to put some food in their stomach.
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I am realizing after reading the comments, how important a drivers license can be. It can mean the difference of having some kind of personal living space on wheels and sleeping on the pavement, as well getting to jobs. A needed skill in modern life.
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I grew up in a car society and brought a beloved car with me to the city. I ultimately gave it up in very logical, GRS fashion years ago but ever since….yeah…
there’s a freedom gone. Not a zip-car, rental, solvable type of freedom but it’s a heck of an argument for a beater/fully paid car…
there’s a security in a car; when I was young, i limited my “stuff” no matter what my means…to what I could fit in my car (okay so I drove a truck in my 20s). Unless gas gets to be $25/gallon, it is still cheaper than rent.
Isn’t there some old saying about don’t eat the horses?
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i don’t know about owning a car “just in case”. if you are living “GRS fashion” then you have an emergency cushion to tie you over X number of months. you can always use that cash to buy a beater if that unwanted moment ever arrives. stick to your zipcar and save/invest what you’d pay in registration, taxes, insurance, parking, etc.
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Yeah i know…so says the left brain….
but the right brain still mourns the freedom of being able to grab the keys and go, instead of locating proper cards & paperwork, trekking to the rental counter and playing 20 questions, waiting for the vehicle to arrive, be cleaned, etc. etc….
Every where else I’ve lived, if “the worse happened” (and there’s always a “worse” possibility–if not probability)…there was always the car. The ultimate plan C.
Now, there’s only the electric train.
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Many people here have touched on whether or not mentall illness or addiction may be all or part of the reason this person is homeless–but I haven’t seen too many mention something I feel is KEY in a situation like this–and that is what being down and out and unable to support yourself as an adult DOES to you.
To lose the ability to support yourself is devastating–and depending on what your own physical and mental makeup is, can paralyze you, and make it extremely difficult to do the things you need to do, to get back on your feet.
In other words, this person may WANT to get a job and find a place to live–they may be very motivated to do that–but they could find themselves so weighed down by depression and shame that they are unable to take the steps they need to take–even simple steps.
As many people have mentioned–you’ll need to do two things:
1) determine what you can (and are willing) to give up, for your friend (money, time, a sympathetic ear, etc)
2) take time to understand your friend’s mental state–and just how capable they are of moving foward right now
Once you’ve determined all that, some concrete things you can do are:
1) help your friend make a plan for dealing with their situation – make it as detailed as seems appropriate (ie, if they’re full of determination, then it could be as simple as giving them general lists–get signed up for Food Stamps and whatever free/low cost medical coverage that area offers; make a list of jobs he’s able to apply for, etc; if, on the other hand, your friend is so full of despair and self-loathing right now that they’re running in circles, mentally, then you might need to go online, and find names of agencies for him, make appointments for him, follow up to see if he’s kept the appointments, etc)
2) if your friend appears to be suffering from depression, help them hook up with counseling and possibly get on medication–find out what Phoenix offers, in that department, and give him names and numbers (depression can keep him where he is–even if it’s just situational!)
3) based on what you’ve determined you can contribute, financially, offer to take over one or more of his expenses for a certain number of months–if you can afford to pay for a room for him for three months–great–but other things can be helpful, too–setting him up with a pre-paid cell phone with pre-paid internet, would set you back $150 or so for a phone, and $50 a month for unlimited voice and internet. Maybe he needs an address, to fill out job applications–let him use yours, or pay for a “virtual” address, in that area, for a small amount per month. Think creatively–remember, you’re not under pressure right now, and thus, are more likely to think of creative solutions than he is!
4) Whatever you do–don’t feel sorry for him. Listen to him, when he needs to vent–but keep the tone of conversations matter of fact, and up beat–especially when you’re giving him something. This allows him to keep his dignity–and that’s about the only thing he has to hold on to right now, so it’s doubly precious!
5) Is your friend religious? If so–encourage him to reconnect with a church. Being with non-judgemental people will help him feel normal, and people in a church tend to look out for each other–might be willing to have him stay with them temporarily, maybe in a room at a lower cost–they might have odd jobs they can send his way, and they may be able to help him network. Someone may be able to help him get his driver’s license–and it’s possible they’d even give him and old car they were going to donate to charity! (During a year when I was unemployed, someone in my church–someone I didn’t even know!–wanted to donate their car to the church–and one of the elders knew I needed one, and so they hooked us up…and I got a free car. I had another car at the time that was on it’s last legs…but right after I was given the car, I ran into a visitor at our church who had a job she couldn’t get to, because she didn’t have a car either–and I was able to give her my clunker, and she had a friend who fixed it up for her, for free!)
During that same period of time, a couple of friends just started bringing groceries to my house, everytime they came over. They never asked what I needed–and they always pretended they were just “cleaning out their cupboards”–but thanks to them, I ate decent food, instead of the ramen noodles I would’ve resorted to, otherwise.
The bottom line is–whatever you do, do it with no strings attached–and don’t be concerned about the outcome. There’s no doubt that money will be helpful–but at a time like this, your friendship, and willingness to help your friend with things that may be overwhelming him (like simple decision making!) might be even more valuable–so please don’t overlook that, or discount how meaningful it can be!!
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I have a good friend who has been homeless for a bit more than a year inPhoenix. He is in a home- not his. He has a room in a family member’s home. He is not mentally ill. The jobs…just don’t pay enough. To get an apartment you need first month and security deposit- besides a good credit check.
There is a place called Andre house. It is downtown. It shelters and helps with job location. It is in the 200 block of 11th ave. It is run by Catholics- but you do not have to be Catholic to go there.
He might check it out.
This is a tough time to be unemployed in a city that is actually at about 16% unemployed/ underemployed. Most of my friends have their twenty something kids living with them.
Don’t move to San Diego. Weather is nicer- but housing is way more expensive.
You are a good friend. He is lucky to have you.
If he is under 30- he could still join the military….
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When I was 17, I lived in my car for two weeks. It was the scariest two weeks of my life. Sometimes, people are too proud to ask for help and don’t want to impose/intrude on others for help. I would have slept in a friends yard, patio or garage…anywhere but my car where I felt vulnerable.
Have a conversation with you friend and find out what he needs. Paying rent on a room for a few months may be what he needs to feel secure so he is able to look for work or plan his next move.
Bless you for caring…most people would walk away since it’s “not their problem”.
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Maybe a ticket to North Dakota would help.
http://www.npr.org/2011/09/25/140784004/new-boom-reshapes-oil-world-rocks-north-dakota
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Thank you all for the open discussion about homelessness. Although I don’t have friends or family in this situation, it makes me pause and give thought to all those in my city that are homeless. I use to volunteer at a shelter years ago…I think it’s time for me to start again.
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I think I would send my friend money, as a gift. I’d also try to be sure he’s aware of all the help out there. Here are a few resources, for example:
National food bank locator:
http://feedingamerica.org/default.aspx?show_shov=1#
Service locator:
http://www.servicelocator.org/
Subsidized rental housing:
http://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD?src=/topics/rental_assistance
Many of us are vulnerable to being homeless. If it happened to me, I would be very discouraged to say the least if my friends reacted to my situation with something like “tough love.”
Thanks.
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I think if your friend emailed you he’s admitting he needs help. If it were me he’d contacted, my first move would be to contact him and let him know I wanted to help. You might find that he is not looking for a bailout OR a handout, but a friend to help him brainstorm his way to some way to make the best of a bad situation. Maybe you CAN help him to get a room but doing that without his permission might just hurt his self-esteem even more.
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My hubby’s childhood friend was homeless a couple of years ago. It was frigid winter and the guy had just had a string of bad luck. We gave him a few hundred dollars which we could squeak out and he got himself a room at a hotel by the week. He soon had a factory job and then a few pay checks and a much better job. I think the couple of nights he spent in the cold and the time at the shelter really motivated him because he got things all figured out. The money was never a loan (we made it very clear) but, he did end up paying us back about a year later when it came in very handy. He’s still a good friend. We were all fortunate enough to have a best case scenario but, I think I would have been glad to try even if they hadn’t.
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I would just like to thank Evan on behalf of his friend for caring. Times are rough out there, and I’m sure it means a lot to him that there is at least one person in his life that cares about him. Thank you.
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I take a middle stance on lending money to family members. My rules are:
#1 I only lend money if I can pay all my own bills even if they never pay me back.
#2 I don’t get upset if they don’t pay me back (because I followed rule #1)
#3 After I have loaned them money once, I don’t loan them money again until they have paid back the initial sum in full
It’s worked really well for me by eliminating hard feelings and drama while still maintaining boundaries and being able to help out when I can.
Daisy
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Why does everyone assume that a homeless person has mental health issues, drug addiction, or doesn’t have enough education or skills?
I was homeless for 3 months once (while pregnant with my daughter), luckily I had great friends. I have no crazy mental health issues, no drug addiction, and I had a fantastic job that paid me well. I just couldn’t find a place to live for three months.
My fiance has a college degree and can’t find a job in his field. He was lucky to get a job at Burger King (10 hours per week only) because I knew someone. Four years ago, companies were seeking me out because of my skill set, offering me management jobs that I would love to have now. Now, I can’t even get a job at McDonalds.
We’re getting by, but just barely. Two years ago we were able to provide our daughter with a thousand dollar Christmas. This year we’ll be luck to give her a quarter of that. AND we have another beautiful child this year as well. Times are tough, even for educated, skilled, regular people.
When we went from buying 800 thread count sheets to getting food stamps, we realized that the economy really has gone to shit.
And to those of you wondering what happened to my fantastic job… I was demoted for having a child, and, when I got pregnant with my second, my hours were cut first, I was completely taken off the schedule second, and I was eventually fired. Illegal yes, but that doesn’t help me feed my children.
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‘Tough love’ makes sense on paper and seems the most rational, but it’s hard to follow emotionally and in the real world. I tend to follow a habit my mom passed down that works for me, personally. It’s probably not the smartest plan, nor the most financially sensible, but it works in my life.
I’ve had a couple of friends ask me for help/loans in the last few years. One was a strict cash ‘loan’; that was four years ago and I’ve basically let it go. We still have dinner occasionally. For the most part, I know she’ll pay me back at one point or another, but I’ve basically written it off as a cash ‘gift’. If you’re going to do a cash loan, write it off immediately from your mind. If you’re going to obsess about it, worry about it, then you’re better off not loaning the money in the first place and seeking another avenue to assist.
The second was a strict loan to a friend for a wedding downpayment; I didn’t ask for details – what’s the point? But I did draw up a contract and a concrete pay-by date (I won’t be earning interest on that $2500, but it makes me feel good to help her with her wedding) that she appreciated. She didn’t like the idea of asking a friend in the first place, but due to certain circumstances, had to. I was lucky that I was in the position to help.
The poster will have to ask himself – can he afford to lend money? Will he want that money back soon? Would he rather, as some people suggested, pay for a room rental for a month or two? There’s a lot of options, and really, he’s the only one who can judge his own finances and what he’s *honestly* comfortable with.
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I’d find a way to help him get his driver’s license. Usually you just need to take a class and borrow a car. My husband was a late driver and it caused no end of stress early on for us. Once he got his license it gave him many more options. We still only have 1 car for financial reasons.
Find out what it requires in AZ then make it happen.
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ONCE- SHAME IF YOU IF YOU LOVE THE FRIEND DON’T TRY!
TWICE- SHAME ON HIM IF HE DOESN’T TRY TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT OR PAY U BACK.
THREE TIMES- SHAME ON YOU FOR NOT LEARNING!
FINALLY- SHAME ON HIM FOR ASKING MORE THEN ONCE AND NOT AT LEAST TRYING!? IT HAPPENED TO ME $500 DOLLARS & NOT A CENT BACK! NOT ONE MENTION OF IT EITHER! NOW I’M A YOUNG WIDOW WHO COULD REALLY USE THAT MONEY, BUT U LIVE & LEARN OR LOSE & BURN! A BRIDGE!
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